Chapter Text
Day ones
Saturday - 2:45 PM
Eren: fuck this school. already
I’m dropping out.
Armin: what possibly could’ve happened to you in the whole 3 hours that we’ve been here to make you want to drop out?
Mikasa: he probably stubbed his toe or something.
it’s the dorm’s fault, so he wants to drop out.
Armin: i believe it
Eren: BOTH OF YOU SUCK
NO I DIDNT STUB MY TOE AND GET MAD IM NOT A LITTLE BITCH
MY ROOMMATE IS THOUGH
Armin: oh, it’s your roommate?
Eren: yes bro
he’s such a douchebag like already
if he’s exhibiting asshole behavior this early there’s actually no hope
Mikasa: if i’m being honest, i don’t fully believe that you didn’t start whatever conflict led to this anger.
Armin: yeah, sorry Eren, but I second that..
Eren: I DIDNR START ANYTHING
”..” fan fiction ass dots
Mikasa: how would you know what fan fiction writing is like?
Eren: anyways next question
Armin: Eren, we all used to role play our warrior cats OCs at recess. i wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you read fan fiction
Eren: I SAID ANYWAYS NEXT QUESTIONNN
MY next question how do i submit a roommate change request form??
Armin: it’s been 3 hours, they’re not gonna let you switch
Mikasa: you also need concrete proof that your roommate is negatively impacting your quality of life.
Eren: he’s on my nerves and it’s raising my blood pressure
boom negatively impacted
how the fuck am i supposed to prove that
Mikasa: go to the doctor and get a note saying your blood pressure is raised.
Armin: if only you had a doctor in the family or somethinggggg
Eren: talk to my bitchass dad or deal with bitchass jean
hmmm decisions decisions
Armin: Jean?
as in the pants?
Eren: yeah but he says it like an asshole
Mikasa: what could that possibly mean.
Eren: it means he’s french and he says it like “john” but he’s a french asshole so he says it in a french way so it’s like “jjjawn”
i don’t even know how to spell it phonetically
Armin: big word for you good job
Eren: i’m determined to be smarter than this french asshole
Mikasa: what’s you issue with French people?
Eren: there was no issue until jean came along
french jean
french douchebag jean
Mikasa: Eren, just give it time.
what’d he even do?
Eren: well he came in after me
my parents had already left but he comes in with his mom
and he’s being an asshole to his mom bro it was so awkward
shes trying to help him and she’s like fixing his hair and trying to make his bed and he’s like “I GOT IT MOM I GOT IT”
major “I DONT WANT A FUCKING QUESADILLA YOU CUNT” vibes
so red flag #1 rude to his mother
Armin: i will admit that would make me weary of someone
Mikasa: me too
Eren: RIGHT RIGHT???
Armin: BUT there’s still time time for you to be irrational
so continue
Eren: okay well he does that and his mom leaves
then i’m like “yo im eren how’re you”
and he’s like “oh im jean, art major”
like okay i really didn’t ask but cool i guess??
then we both start unpacking and he pulls out HELLA art supplies and just starts putting it everywhere
like some on the floor too
and i’m like “can you keep your shit on your side of the room and not all over the floor??”
AND THIS DUDE SCOFFS AT ME
I WASNT EVEN BEING RUDE BUT ITS COMMON FUCKINF SENSE THAT YOU HAVE YOUR SIDE AND I HAVE MINE AND I DONT WANT SHIT EVERYWHERE DAY FUCKING ONE
after he scoffs he goes “well you already have clothes on the floor”
BECAUSE IM UNPACKINF LIKE I WAS GONNNA FOLD THEM
BUT NOW I DONT EVEN WANT TO OUT OF SPITE
Mikasa: are you done?
Eren: YES
Armin: Eren, you are my best friend
i would defend you through thick and thin. i would wrestle a wild gorilla for you
Eren: easy fight but okay
Armin: .
okay anyways
Mikasa: what Armin is saying, is that he can’t defend you. you were in the wrong there.
Eren: FUCKINF HOWWWW
I JUST WNATED HIM TO PICK HIS SHIT UP
Armin: well that’s the issue
the “keep your shit on your side” part definitely could’ve come off as a little aggressive
and you have problems with your tone
so i can 100% see how something got lost in translation there
Mikasa: not to mention it’s hypocritical of you to scold him for having his stuff on the floor temporarily, but you also had your stuff on the floor.
Eren: bruhhh
why are you guys taking his side
do you hate me
my best friends hate me WOW
Mikasa: quite the opposite, actually. the people who really love you will call you out when necessary.
Armin: true!
Eren just start over with him. say you’re sorry if you came off as aggressive, that’s just your natural tone
Eren: HELL NO
IM NOT APOLOGIZING
Armin: would you rather be miserable all year?
Eren: i’ll make him miserable.
he will feel my wrath
Mikasa: Eren.
Eren: so little said and a chill ran down my spine holy shit
WHATEVER i’ll be civil
but i dare him to piss me off again
like fuck around and find out
horse face ass
Armin: this is not a good step in the civil direction
Eren: HE GENUINELY LOOKS LIKE A HORSE WITH HIS LONG FACE
but whatever
i’ll stop talking about him
for now
are your guys roommates better than mine
i’ll feel significantly better if the answer is no
Mikasa: sorry, mine is actually okay.
Eren: bruh
armin??
Armin: he’s eccentric! but he seems nice
Eren: ughhhhhHHHHHHHH
the universe hates me
Mikasa: mine brought a mini fridge and said i could use it.
she just told me not to touch her food or she’d cry all night and eat all my makeup.
so. there’s that.
Eren: but that’s not even rude it’s just weird
Armin: mine asked if i wanted to feel his bald head
i said no and he seemed kind of disappointed??
but then he asked if i wanted to get pizza with him and his friends later
so like i said, eccentric! but nice
Eren: wait did you say yes to pizza
i want pizza
Armin: i told him maybe, but i can confirm if you want to come
Mikasa?
Mikasa: my roommate invited me for pizza too.
i wonder if it’s the same outing.
i declined, but i’ll go if you two are.
Armin: i’ll tell Connie!
that’s his name by the way
Eren: needed clarification definitely
because i thought you were just telling some random chick named connie yeah sure
girly ass name
Armin: he told me it’s a nickname and he hates his full name
also you’re rude and uninvited.
Eren: NO WAIT IM SORRY IM SORRY NO
THE THIRSTY THREE
Saturday - 3:17 PM
Connie: MY ROOMIE IS COMING TO PIZZA NIGHTTTTT
Sasha: YAYYY THE MORE RHE MERRIER
FRIENDS FRIENDS
my roomie said no :(((
Connie: NNOOOOOOO
jean what’d yours say???
Jean: i didn’t ask him
Sasha: WHAT
Connie: JEANNN THE WHOLE POINT WAS THAT WE WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO ASK
WE’RE TRYINF TI MAKE NEW FRIENDS
Sasha: BAD JEAN
BAD
Jean: WHY’RE YOU SCOLDING ME LIKE A DOG???
ALSO HE’S AN ASSHOLE IM NOT GONNA INVITE AN ASSHOLE TO OUR FIRST HANGOUT IN COLLEGE
HE’LL RUIN THE VIBE
Connie: everybody deserves a second chance
and now you’ve betrayed your friends by breaking the promise you made :(((
Sasha: exactly
im very hurt jean
im crying
im sad and im angry
bad boy
Connie: bad boy ;)
Jean: ew
he came at me so aggressive within the first like 2 hours of meeting him dude
Connie: woah woah
came at you??
Jean: not physically but still
he had a major attitude
idk what the fuck his issue is
and i don’t wanna hangout with him outside of this room
Sasha: sorry to interrupt the shit talking jean’s roommate session
BUT MY ROOMIE CHANGED HER MIND
SHES COMING TO PIZZA NIGHT!!!!!
Connie: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Jean: cool i guess
Sasha: she’s really hot jean be excited
she’s like goth and shit
Jean: nice??
like is that supposed to convince me??
Sasha: BUT SHES NOT LIKE THAT FAKE ONLY GOTH MOMMY FOR ONLYFANS VIBE
she’s LEGIT goth
shes got scary posters up that how yk she’s the real deal
she’s so yum
and chill
and kinda scary but mostly chill i think
Jean: i mean she sounds cool
lets hope she IS cool
Connie: MY ROOMMATE JUST ASKED TO BRING HIS FRIEND WITH HIM
AND HE SAID THAT HIS OTHER FRIEND WAS INVITED TO PIZZA BY HER ROOMMATE
Sasha: WAIT WHAT
Connie: SASHA IS UR ROOMMATE’S NAME MIKASA???
Sasha: YES
Connie: OMG OMG OMG
THAT’S ARMIN’S FRIENDDDD
THATS HIS NAME ITS ARMIN
WAIT THIS IS EXCITING
Sasha: I KNOW I KNOW
BESTIES ROOMING WIRH ANOTHER PAIR OF BESTIES
Jean: who’s the friend armin invited??
Connie: uhh i’ll ask
he said his name is aaron but spelled weird
he said it’s pronounced like aaron but spelled like eren
he also says that’s very important to get right because eren hates when people spell it like aaron
Jean: FFFFFFFUCK NO
THATS MY BITCHASS ROOMMATE
CANCEL THE EVENT CANCEL STOP
IM NOT ATTENDING
Sasha: JEANNNNNNNNUHHHHH
Connie: BRUH COME ONNNN
GIVE HIM ANOYHER CHANCE
ARMIN JS REALLT NICE AND HES FRIENDS WIRH EREN SO IM SURE EREN IS NICE TOO
Jean: dudeeeee he’s an asshole
stupid way to spell him name too
eren
just do aaron
fucking idiot
Sasha: of course because he chose to spell it that way
Jean: he’s in college
aka legal adult
aka old enough to change the spelling of his dumbass name
Connie: then change YOUR name to john
how bout them apples??
Jean: because my name isn’t pronounced like john stupid
Connie: sorry i forgot you’re different and french and sexy
Jean: can you just interact with me normally please
Sasha: i’m just honestly kind of surprised that he used the correct you’re
Connie: college connie is different
i know grammar now
Jean: and it ONLY took 18 years
wow
truly an accomplishment
Connie: say something mean again
yk i like that shit ;))))
Jean: eeeeeEEEEWWW
freak
Connie: yesssuhhhhh
boner alert
Jean: i hate you guys
i’ll see you at 6
Sasha: SO UR GONNA COME??
Jean: i guess
Sasha: YAAAAYYYYAYAYAY
Connie: this is ur second time saying i guess
stop trying to be nonchalant
Sasha: 6’2 ig
Connie: french ig
Sasha: sleepy voice ig
Connie: 5 inches ig
Sasha: hey now
Jean: its longer than that you dipshit
Sasha: EWEWEWEW
I DIDNR NEED RO KNOW THAT
Jean: CONNIE STARTED IT???
HE GAVE SPECIFIC MEASUREMENTS???
Sasha: YEAH BUR YOU DIDNT NEED TO CONFORM NOR DENY
Jean: WHEN MISINFORMATION IS SPREAD IT MUST BE DEBUNKED
BECAUSE ITS WAY LONGER
Sasha: LAAAALALALA
I CANR HEAR YOUUUUU
YUCK YUCK YUCK
Jean: YOURE READINF IDIOT
Connie: defensive ig
Sasha: kinda mean ig
Jean: bro
suck my longer than 5 inches dick
both of you
Sasha: EW
EW
EW
EW
EWWWW
Connie: ssssslurp
Connie added +5 to a conversion.
Trio + Trio = AWESOME FRIEND GROUP
Saturday - 10:11 PM
Connie: HI GUYS HI GUYS HIII
Sasha: HI CONNIE HI JEAN HI ARMIN HI MIKASA HI EREN
wait there’s 6 people in here
WHO AM I FORGETTING IM SORRY IM FORGETFUL AND DUMB
Jean: evidently
Connie: big ass word
Armin: you’re the 6th person :)
sasha right? the contact i have says sasha, i hope i didn’t mix anyone up!
Sasha: ohh
now i really do feel dumb
but yes! that’s meeee!! the one and onlyyy!!
Armin: you’re not dumb! everyone has their moments lol, it’s okay
Eren definitely does
Eren: why am i already catching strays
and from my best friend
like what is in the air today that everyone hates me
Jean: it’s hard not to so
Eren: you’re my roommate (unfortunately) and i will clean the toilet with your toothbrush
Jean: i fucking dare youuuu
i’ll actually punch that pathetic half man bun out of your hair
Eren: i’ll beat that pathetic little thing i’m sure you insist is a beard off of your ugly horse face
Sasha: BOYS BOYS
PEACE AND LOVEEEEE
YOU GUYS WERENT FIGHTING AT THE RESTAURANT WHAT HAPPENED :((
Eren: it WAS fine
but then we got back and he decided to not hold the door for me
when i had my hands full with my leftovers
and so the door fell on me and that shit is HEAVY
and it hurt
Jean: little bitch it was not that bad
Eren: i’m actually abt to slime you out
Connie: jean that was not very gentleman like
very rude
eren i apologize on his behalf please don’t leave us i like ur half man bun
its cool in like a rocker way
not like a millennial $20 truffle fries appetizers called shareables way
Eren: thanks??
Mikasa: Eren, Jean. why’re you two arguing in this group chat?
you guys are roommates, you can settle this in person.
Jean: eren is in the bathroom
has been for like 15 minutes
Sasha: eren did u fall in
are u communicating from the sewers rn??
Armin: like IT?
Connie: hear me out. pennywise
Eren: ???
okay anyways
no i didn’t fall in what
Connie: are you taking a shit
Eren: NO
i just like the bathroom
it’s where i think the best
well like mainly in the shower
but the toilet suffices sometimes
Sasha: pants down booty to toilet seat and doing some great thinking
Armin: Eren that’s kind of gross
Eren: BRUH
judged left and right
im not digging in my asshole or pissing on my hands and touching my phone or something
its quiet and i wash my hands so what’s the issue
Sasha: as long as your don’t get pink eye!!
and then spread it
i hate being sick :(
Jean: same
so wash your gross hands before you leave
Eren: omg i’m 18 years of age
im gonna wash my hands
hop off
its not abnormal to bring your phone in the bathroom and then spend extra time in there
Sasha: true though
i don’t spend extra time because im thinking though
i just like watching mukbangs
Mikasa: on the toilet?
Sasha: yeah!
as i poop and my old food exits my body i get to look at and think about what im gonna eat next
it’s a perfect routine
Mikasa: huh.
Armin: oh wow
that’s
unique!
Jean: she’s always this odd get used to it
Connie: sometimes i do that but when im peeing
like i’ll pee and think about how i’m gonna drink water again later
and i think about the cycle
drink digest pee
wait do u digest water
Jean: that one too
he wasn’t this weird in middle school
i don’t know what happened
Connie: it’s because i had hair
then i started shaving it and i’ve been flying free ever since
bald head hanging out if you will
i think im significantly less funny when i have a beanie on
wait is that why women wanna free the nipple
do shirts and bras hold you guys back in some way
like is there a limit to how funny you can be??
NOT IN A MISOGYNISTIC WAY
I LOVE WOMEN I THINK THEYRE VERY FUNNY SASHA IS THE FUNNIEST OERSON I KNOW
Sasha: aww thank you!
Connie: yw twin
BUT ANYWAYS IM JUST LIKE IS THERE MORE POTENTIAL
IF WOMEN FREED THE NIPPLE COULD THEY SOMEHOW BE EVEN FUNNIER THAN THEY ARE
WHICH THEY ARE HILARIOUS
BUT COULD THEY SOMEHOW BE FUNNIER??
IS IT POSSIBLE??????
Eren: is this a public meltdown
Mikasa: i believe so.
Connie: sorry guys
i just don’t want the newbies to think im a freak
i mean i can be
Eren: so we’ve seen
Connie: but not in a misogynistic or like racist or like homophobic way
i love everyone
peace and love
Armin: we believe you Connie, it’s okay
Connie: OKAY GOOD
BECAUSW YOU GUYS SEEM SUPER CHILL AND I WANNA BE FRIENDS
Armin: done!
Mikasa: it is important to get along with your roommate.
and you guys seem nice.
Sasha: mikasa is cool with me i’m gonna throw up
ur so cool
im bi if u were wondering
haha okay u didn’t ask sorry
ANYWAYS
Eren: connie and sasha you guys are weird
but lowk funny
and connie you said at the restaurant that you know where to buy
yk?
Connie: SURE DOOOOO
my guy is really chill
i could probably get u a discount ur first couple of times
Eren: done deal im friends with connie
and sasha too
Connie: AYYYYYYY
Sasha: IF I COULD DO I BACKFLIP I WOULD
Eren: jean
fuck you
Jean: you wishhhh
Eren: DISGUSTING
Connie: i don’t know eren u might wanna give him a tryyy
he said he was longer than 5 inches
according to him WAY LONGER
Sasha: CAN WE NOT TALK ABOJT THIS AGAINNNNN
LALALALALALALA NOT LISTENINGGGG
Armin: why were you ever talking about this??
Connie: because why not
Mikasa: i met you three 4 hours ago.
can we please move the conversation away from pee, poop, and dick?
Connie: if you INSIST
Eren: okay well anyways no JEAN i don’t wish
i don’t swing that way
and if did i wouldn’t sleep with you
Connie: eren not gay CONFIRMED
or bi
#ally to all
Sasha: wait are any of you queer?
if ur comfortable sharing!
especially u mikasa.
what who said that
Mikasa: yes, i am. i’m bisexual
goth bi girl, unfortunately i’m not beating the stereotypes anytime soon.
Eren: she has a black cat at home too
Jean: wow
really just textbook huh??
Armin: i’m gay
well, maybe bi. i’m honestly still kind of questioning
but i’m leaning towards gay
Connie: coolio
i’m straight
kind of
i don’t like people like that often but when i do i like women
Mikasa: so like aroace spectrum?
Connie: i don’t know what that means
but you seem smarter than me mikasa so i’m just gonna say sure
Mikasa: research it, you might connect with it.
but labels aren’t necessary.
Connie: i’ll look into the apricot spectrum or whatevs yes yes
Sasha: jeannnnn
reveal yourself
Jean: ???
im bi
Connie: so many bisexuals im stressed
im scared im gonna mix you guys up
Jean: ???
now how could that possibly happen
Connie: because what if someone asks me to set them up with my bisexual friend
and now i have 3 and a half numbers that could be the one that they want
the half being armin
because he’s a maybe
Sahsa: a mayBI
Connie: UR A GENIUS
Jean: as if you didn’t already have 2??
Connie: yeah but that was like it was 50/50
maybe they wanted jean maybe they wanted sasha
better odds than 1/4
or maybe 1/3
maybi 1/3
Jean: great sasha now you’ve got him saying this dumbass shit
Armin: i think it’s kind of creative and funny!
Jean: really?
well maybe if someone smarter than you two thinks it’s funny then it’s not the worst word you’ve ever made up
Sasha: HEY i like the words we make up
they’re always funny and creative
Connie: YEAH you’re just jealous you’ll never reach our level of silly and innovative
Sasha: it doesn’t have to be intellectual if it’s CUTEEE
Connie: woah that was a big word for you sash
Sasha: i know i was scared
Eren: HOLY dumbasses
Mikasa: Eren.
Eren: sorry
im gonna go to sleep now
for no reason at all
Sasha: me too i’m sleepy as a sloth
Armin: yeah, moving in already had me tired, then we went out for pizza
goodnight everyone!
Connie: nighty nighttttt
Mikasa: goodnight.
Eren: goodnight to everyone but jean
Jean: you’re not in the bathroom anymore
you could’ve just said that to me in person
like i’m literally staring at you right now
scared i was gonna punch you??
Eren: you’re so annoying like i actually hate you
i didnt wanna waste my breath saying it out loud
Jean: die
night guys
Connie: toxic yaoi lowk
Jean: YOU SAID GOODNIGHT GO TO SLEEP