Archive of Our Own

Sometimes, there are mornings where Jax doesn't get out of bed.

Her bed is concealed by a soft, shimmering red canopy. The fabric is slightly translucent, and lit from the back by the fairy lights in their room, so she can only make out her silhouette behind the curtains. There's something hypnotic about the way she rises every morning, the way she twists her torso and moves her shoulders, balls her hands into loose fists, stretching languidly like a lazy cat.

It's movement almost reminiscent of a Disney princess. It makes Pomni think of Snow White, inexplicably, although that's probably because that was her favorite movie as a kid.

Often Pomni finds herself laid in bed, procrastinating getting up, waiting for the moment Jax does; it's always easier to brave the day when she's ready to. But sometimes, Jax doesn't get up at all.

It always strikes Pomni deep to her core, because she always takes so long to accept what's happening. Eventually she'll always get up alone, and leave to get her food. She'll idly talk with Ragatha, take her time at the café, come back with something sweet in hopes that Jax will already be up by the time she returns, but she never is.

On good days, she wakes at 8:00 sharp. She's tentatively begun to bloom as she's given her life control and structure, and that includes her sleep schedule. Any time after, and it's indicative of it being a bad day. They get rarer and rarer as time goes on, but they still come and go.

It's one of those days today. Its been weeks since they'd struggled through one, and Pomni feels her hands trembling as she places the plate on the nightstand and gently eases the curtains to the side.

"Hi," she says. It's always the first thing she says.

Jax's eyes stare right through her. She's laid out with her scarred right side pressing into the pillows, like she's trying to obscure it. Her shaggy black hair spills across the sheets like ink — it's a new feature of hers, but a very welcome one. She doesn't startle at Pomni's appearance at all, blinking slow.

"I brought food from the café," Pomni tells her. "If you're hungry, y'know. Well, I mean— it'll make you feel better. It's here, it's an option."

Jax doesn't respond. She's blinking, though. At least she's blinking.

Pomni's always careful with her words when it's like this, because she's come to learn that Jax hates her offering questions, even if they're what Pomni thinks she needs. You wanna try and eat something? always upsets her, always makes her feel ashamed. It's hard to get a clear answer as to why, but it's easy to assume it's because it feels infantilizing.

It's an adjustment to speak in certainties, but she always responds better to it. Pomni can say she's going to do something, and Jax can set her boundaries as she goes, and doesn't have to say yes, when she's too scared to admit she wants something. It's made Pomni better at being assertive with herself in the process, so it's not something she dislikes, at least.

"I'll leave it on the nightstand," Pomni says, "and I'll sit for now. Not in the bed, I'm sure you want space."

"Okay," Jax mumbles, lethargically.

Brightening at the answer would be bringing attention to it, so she doesn't. She goes to get a book from their shelf, brings a blanket to huddle in, and then she sits.

If the promise of eternity has given anything to Pomni, it's been the fulfillment of her desire to learn new things. Life had always gotten in the way, ever since she'd left home. Her freedom felt fake, like a gilded cage. She always yearned to go out there and see everything, to learn everything there was to learn. In a way, she can do that now.

She doesn't know how long she'll exist, but maybe she'll get to read everything out there before she stops. She's learned so quickly that there's change to find in stasis, excitement to find in stagnancy, unbelievable beauty even nestled away in the room where she's planted her roots. She just isn't sure Jax knows it yet.

Jax shifts a bit, but doesn't speak. The sheets rustle as she positions herself. Pomni looks back at her from the corner of her eye, watching her pull up her knees to make herself small. There's more focus in her gaze, now, and she's resting it on her.

Pomni turns around to look at her, and keeps herself quiet.

Jax trembles. She reaches out. Pomni gently takes her offered hand.

She's careful not to squeeze too hard, in case she wants to pull away. Her thumb traces over Jax's knuckles, and it makes her relax back into the sheets. She continues to slow-blink at her, like a relaxed cat. Her eyes are half-lidded, and her pupils practically swallow her scleras. Pomni couldn't dream of moving, even if she wanted to.

"I'm here if you wanna talk about it," Pomni reminds her.

Often she wonders if Jax forgets after every time she says it. She always acts like there's no permanence to Pomni's promises. It always makes her brows furrow in bleary-eyed confusion, and today is no different.

"Okay," Jax repeats. It's her second word of the day.

Pomni sets her book to the side—it's Tipping the Velvet—and moves to sit next on the mattress, by Jax's head. Jax gazes up at her in what looks like delirious reverence. She squeezes her hand, and Pomni squeezes back. I'm here, I know.

She brushes back her bangs to look for fever with her free hand, and she's relieved not to find it. It's only happened once after her mental breakdown, but it was nerve-wracking enough that Pomni hasn't forgotten it.

(She'd spent most of the two days Jax had been out panicking. When she was sure she was asleep, she'd cried her lungs empty, burying her face in Kinger's robe, shaking apart in her terror. If Jax was this stressed, would she try to abstract again? Would Pomni not be able to save her this time? Would she go somewhere Pomni couldn't follow?)

Pomni wants to break the silence that's stretching on between them. She doesn't think anything she could say would be good enough to break Jax out of this spell.

Grief is uncontrollable. It's utterly all-encompassing, in a way Pomni struggles to comprehend. She's loved and she's lost (Gummigoo is a wound that will never fully heal), but never in the ways Jax has. Jax has spent every day of her life looking back, and there's nothing Pomni can do to stop her.

"You good?" Jax slurs.

Pomni jerks in surprise. It's not the question she was expecting, and she struggles to come up with an answer. Obviously the answer is no, but she wouldn't feel comfortable just saying that. She has other shoulders to cry on about it.

"Yeah," Pomni says. "I'm okay. You're not good."

Jax tugs her hand away. Pomni lets her.

"I'm not?"

It feels like she's talking to someone that's very sick, or drugged, and the thought makes her shiver. She knows the truth is that she's just dissociating, but it doesn't make it easier. She remembers what's happened to Kinger because of how often he dissociated, and it makes her sick.

For a moment, the thought becomes so viscerally upsetting that she considers pawning Jax off to someone else, but the idea of not being around her right now makes her feel even worse. She just has to deal. She knows how to do that.

"Yeah," Pomni says, her voice wavering. "You're not."

Jax's eyes fall shut. Pomni's almost hoping it means she's falling asleep.

"Stay with me?"

Pomni doesn't hesitate. She crawls forward, and into bed with her. Jax hides away against her chest, completely still. Pomni breathes a little easier, now that she's close to her. It's not a magic salve for the problem, but it's something.

"I miss her," Jax whispers.

Pomni splays a hand out on her back, to feel her shallow breathing.

"That's okay," she whispers back.

Pomni knows this will pass, like every episode before it. It always does. Jax will wake up, likely the morning after this one, as energetic as ever, if not a bit hostile and self-defensive. She'll work her way back up again, and act like it never happened, hiding it all behind an unbothered smile and saccharine words, and Pomni will get better and better at pretending she's okay with that, so long as her patience makes it a little easier over time.

It doesn't make it hurt any less now. She finds herself thinking, in the selfish comfort of her own mind, I miss her too.

Pomni had known what Jax's story meant for a long time. She'd spent two months delicately walking the tightrope, talking around it and only grazing it when they were at their most intimate, before Jax had been able to speak up herself. She'd been unsure of how that conversation would start, and the shape it would take.

It'd eventually come soft in the dead of night, on one of the rare occasions Pomni would curl up under the canopy with her. Jax had been staring at her like her world was only as big as what was nestled between the curtains, like she'd lose it if she looked away. Pomni had met her eyes, unflinching.

And then had come Jax's whispered words, can you keep a secret? And Pomni's gentle response, anything for you.

It's— ugh. It's stupid. I'm being stupid.

It's not stupid.

(She'd known.)

I don't even know how to to— to talk about this, I. Like where I'm even supposed to start, with what you've seen, I'm— I don't know how to tell anyone. I don't know how…

You don't have to if you're not ready.

Do… you know?

If this is what I think you're talking about—

(She'd already known.)

Don't say it. Please. Just… just don't. It was so much easier when I— when I thought about it, when I realized just— I'm being stupid. Sorry.

Don't say that. Not over something like this.

But—

Nobody's gonna hurt you. This doesn't have to change anything.

I think I want it to. (She'd hidden her face in Pomni's chest.) I'm sick of being like this. I keep telling myself, if I had a choice, if I— and I do have a choice, I know that.

Do you plan to… tell them?

I don't know. I just. I'm not ready.

Okay. I… can tell them if you want.

What even is there to say?

I mean, it can go as far as me just. I dunno, correcting them when they slip up. I'm sure they'd get it, really. It doesn't have to big deal.

I don't want it to be a big deal. I don't— I just wish I could've already been— I'm stupid. I'm so—

Hey. Stay with me.

Yeah. I- whatever. Nevermind. Forget I said anything.

Don't do that.

I'm not— it's not on purpose. Just— sorry. Sorry, I.

Seriously, it's okay. You can take all the time you need. We've kinda got forever.

O-okay.

Just breathe.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you… um. Do you have a name?

A… a name?

I'm not saying I'll call you anything different in front of the other guys, not— y'know, unless you want me to. But between us, you know. Do you want me to call you anything different? I promise I'm not gonna judge.

No. No. No. No. I don't.

(It'd been a lie. She'd known.)

You don't have to—

It's stupid. Just— what I've got now works, it's fine. Who cares? Who cares.

If you don't want to tell me—

I don't want to tell you because I don't have one. Conversation's closed. Done.

I'll call you she, okay? Just between us?

Jax hadn't responded. She'd trembled. Her chest had hitched, but she hadn't started crying. Pomni had pulled her closer, pressed her face into the top of her head, cupped the nape of her neck with one hand, and politely let the topic drop.

Pomni's sat out on the shore, placidly watching the lake, when she hears a telltale whisper of cloth. Ragatha elegantly sinks down next to her, straightening the hemline of her dress as she tucks her knees under herself.

"Morning," Pomni greets.

"It's ten," Ragatha chuckles. "At least, I think. I didn't mean to sleep in so late."

"You're good. We haven't been doing much," Pomni says. "We're planning on cooking today, though? Kinger's idea, even though he's sitting this one out. He said something chill but 'intellectually stimulating' would be good for us."

"He's probably right," Ragatha agrees. She looks out towards the lake. "Is that related to… uh, that?"

Pomni follows her gaze out onto the lake, to the sight of Jax and Zooble bickering on a small rickety boat. Jax is sat back with her legs crossed, taking up as much space as she possibly can, waving dismissively as Zooble struggles to hold the fishing rod straight. Gangle and Caine are maybe fifty feet away on another boat, getting along perfectly.

"Who decided to pair those two up?" Ragatha asks.

"Surprisingly, it was Zooble's idea," Pomni says. "I didn't really wanna get in on it, and I think they wanted Caine and Gangle to hang out more. Apparently they've been getting pretty close."

"I've noticed," Ragatha says. "I'm really happy to see them both happy…"

Her smile goes somewhere soft, and then dissolves into what looks like reserved sadness. Pomni reaches out, and then stops herself, but only because the idea of touching her makes her skin crawl at the moment.

"You okay?" she asks, instead.

"Yeah, I'm…" She perks back up, forcing herself to smile. "It's really good to see Gangle doing so much better. I'm just— it's kind of hard not to feel like I was doing something wrong, back then? I wanted to help her, and I… I think I failed."

"It's not really about helping," Pomni says. "I think Gangle really needed a friend to just… hang out with. I guess it's a little different."

"You're probably right. Man, maybe I'm getting jealous," Ragatha laughs, edged with nervousness. "It feels bad saying that. I probably shouldn't. Sorry."

Pomni watches her for a while, seeing how her expression changes back to guarded, hopeful resolve. Ragatha's never really been super emotionally unavailable, not like Jax was (and still is, sometimes), but often it worries her how quick she is to try and force her walls back up, especially once she realizes her emotions are angry or negative. Pomni doesn't always know how to get it through her head that she wouldn't judge her for it.

So instead of trying to talk about the principle of it, of why it should be okay for Ragatha to be a little envious, and why it isn't bad to feel hurt over things that are otherwise harmless, Pomni says, "I get jealous of Jax and Zooble sometimes."

Ragatha blinks. "Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, I know it's a little silly," Pomni sighs, "but I think it's something about how Zooble just… gets through to her. They can push and it just works. Every time I try to do that, I feel like I make it worse."

"Yeah. They're really good at speaking her language," Ragatha agrees. She says that as their bickering turns into a full-on shove fight on the boat, rocking it dangerously. It looks like Jax initiated it, predictably. "I think."

"It sucks that I can't fill every need in her life, is what I mean," Pomni clarifies, watching as Zooble whacks her over the head with the fishing rod. "I can't talk to her about some of the things Zooble can. It's normal to be jealous about that. Or maybe I'm just coping, I don't know."

"No, you're probably right," Ragatha concedes. "It's just hard to remember that it… also applies to me."

Pomni nudges her reassuringly, and delights in the amused smile it brings out.

"They're a really good influence on her," Ragatha says. "I'm glad they're getting along."

"Same," Pomni agrees.

The boat tips over, and Jax and Zooble hit the water with a loud splash. Caine screams, practically jumping out of his skin. Gangle has to shoot out and steady their boat so they don't join them. Pomni snorts.

The water ripples, and then stills. They don't surface.

Ragatha's brows crease in concern. "Should we… make sure they're okay?"

"They're fine," Pomni assures, blithely. "This is just how they bond."

Right as she says it, Jax bursts out of the water in front of them. She drags herself out onto the shore on all fours, hunched over with a live fish squirming in her mouth. Her wet bangs cling to her fur, half-obscuring her face from them. She looks immensely proud of herself.

She howls, "WHO'S HUNGRY?!"

Zooble washes up on the sand next to her in pieces, unbothered. Pomni shrieks with laughter.

Pomni's reasons for not participating in the cooking are simultaneously selfless and selfish. Her selfless reason, and the one she gives, is that she's not a good cook at all, and she will burn this kitchen down if they force her to try, that's not a threat, that's a promise. Her selfish one, and the one she'll keep to her chest, is that she just…

She wants to watch her for a while.

Jax is just something else, when she's in one of her upswings. She flits about the kitchen like she owns the place, talking animatedly with her hands. Her humor has softened, harmlessly snarky and playful instead of bluntly cruel. She's gotten so good at making them all laugh, and when she feels happy and loved and welcome, the room will always orbit her in return.

Pomni's warmth is the respite she always escapes to when she's too exhausted to continue, so sometimes she doesn't like to interrupt her when she socializes. She always acts different when she's conscious of her there.

"I'm just saying," she's snarking at Zooble, "we can do whatever we want now, why are we doing all this frilly froufrou stuff? I just think we should add some bite to it, y'know? I was kind of digging all of Caine's gorefest ideas before you guys turned 'em down."

"Gangle's squeamish," Zooble bites back, with a roll of their eyes, as they finish filling a pot with water. "Caine doesn't like all the noise either."

"They can just sit it out! C'moooon. Wouldn't you love to hang out, just you and me, do some action hero shit together? Get our hands on some guns again?"

"I don't trust you not to shoot me," Zooble says. "Also, you're in the way of the burner. Move it."

Jax moves without mentioning it, leaning against the counter and crossing one leg over the other.

"Excuse you, I am a changed woman," she complains, straightening with dramatized dignity. "Also, I wouldn't shoot you if I had something else to shoot. Probably."

"What are you guys talking about?" Ragatha asks. She's holding a knife in one trembling mitten, and a bag of carrots in the other.

"Zooble's just being a killjoy!" Jax sighs.

"Jax wants to do more stressful horror adventures," Zooble clarifies. "I'm not even saying I'm against them or anything, I just don't think the others would be all that interested."

"I didn't say horror," Jax clarifies. "You're being bad faith! Just some stuff that gets the adrenaline pumping."

Ragatha pulls out the cutting board, smiling softly. "I don't know, Zooble. I think that sounds fun!"

Jax's jaw drops in pure glee, like she's just made her whole day. "You," she gasps. "Really? You're saying that? And meaning it?"

"It's not like I don't like the high stakes stuff," Ragatha laughs. "I just didn't like all the arguing it came with. It's kind of fun when we're all getting along."

Zooble seems pleasantly surprised. "I didn't think you liked that kind of thing."

"We didn't do a ton of them before you came around," Ragatha says. "They used to be pretty chill, actually? I don't know, I grew up being competitive, I like getting into the spirit sometimes! It's just with— and of course, no offense, with Jax—"

"None taken," Jax purrs.

"—they got kind of stressful. He was always keeping me on my toes, I guess. It was just kind of nerve-wracking."

Zooble winces like they've been shouted at. Jax ducks her head nervously. Neither of them speak up, and it takes Ragatha several seconds to realize she's said something wrong.

"Oh my God," she gasps. "I mean she, I swear, I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay," Jax tries, in a scared little whisper.

"—seriously, it, it just gets kind of confusing when I'm talking about you in the past? I'm not doing it on purpose, I swear, I just knew you as— you know, for years, and—"

"Stop," Jax snaps, with a little more aggression than she clearly expects, based on the way her face twists into frustration, and then smooths out into serenity. Ragatha flinches, and it only seems to make her look more miserable. "It's not— you can mess up, I don't care. You don't even have to— you don't have to call me anything you don't want to, if it's hard. I'm not one of those people, you know?"

"Those… people?" Ragatha echoes, not reassured.

Jax sighs, plucking at one of her overall straps. "You don't have to make a big deal out of it. It's— it's whatever."

Ragatha searches her face for a while, like she's looking for ire. Whatever she finds instead makes her face fall, like she's mentally kicking herself. Zooble's eyeing Jax with frustrated suspicion. Pomni debates butting in to prevent an argument, before Jax straightens her posture and changes the topic herself.

"Look, just… you're holding the knife wrong," Jax informs her. "Here."

Ragatha tenses as Jax eases it out of her hands, and untenses when all she does is turn to the cutting board. She makes fluid, effortless work of chopping up the carrots into even slices, twirling the knife in her hands as she steps back.

"Voila!"

"Woah," Ragatha breathes, genuinely impressed. "I didn't know you could do that."

"I mean, I've got a little experience with knives," Jax says, the energy returning to her voice, "and a little more experience with cartoon magic." She scrapes them all into the bubbling soup with a dramatic flourish.

"'Experience with knives' is a scary thing to hear out of your mouth," Zooble comments playfully.

"Jeez. Whatever you think, it's not that," Jax rolls her eyes, setting the knife down on the cutting board. "I took a home ec class in highschool, I can cook. Kinda. I'm gonna guess Ragatha just had her butlers doing all the work?"

Ragatha laughs, despite the underlying note of bitterness in Jax's voice. "No, my Mom tried to teach me," she admits. "It was just kind of hard when I was scared of knives. And the oven. She'd… probably hate me if she saw me now."

Jax snorts. "Yeah, same." Her face immediately shifts into reserved panic as she catches herself. She turns away. "Make sure the soup doesn't overflow, 'kay?"

Ragatha eyes Jax in interest, but she doesn't ask. Pomni watches Zooble drag her over to where Gangle and Caine are struggling across the room.

"Thought you could use a professional's advice," Zooble jokes.

"Just 'cause I know how to cut carrots—" Jax stops to stare. "Caine, you're holding the can opener upside-down."

Caine whips his head around to Gangle accusatorily. "Why didn't you tell me?!"

Gangle laughs, louder than Pomni's ever heard her.

Pomni snickers from where she's sat across the room. She leans forward, bracing her elbow against the island to cup her chin in her hand.

There's a rustle of fabric, and Pomni turns to see Kinger enter the kitchen. He sits down next to her, on one of the other stools. He's still wearing the bucket, which has become so normal for them all that she doesn't even find it ridiculous anymore. He's been distant from adventures lately, coming in and out as he works on refining the aquarium, and Pomni lights up at the sight of him.

"Hey," she greets.

"You're sitting this one out?" Kinger asks.

"Ohhh, yeah. I'm terrible at cooking." Pomni rubs the back of her neck sheepishly. "Not like, I burn water bad, I mean I burn down the kitchen bad. I'd probably just make it worse."

"Well, it's never too late to learn," Kinger reminds her. "Although I guess the skill isn't all that important now. It might be something to do."

"It's fine." She traces circles into the granite with her free hand. "I'd think I prefer watching anyway, this time."

(Across the room, Ragatha takes a sip from the ladle. Her face twists into that of theatrical disgust.

"Uhh, Jax, the soup tastes wrong!"

"Not a professional!" Jax sing-songs back, even as she goes to taste it herself. Her brow furrows, and she immediately turns to open the spice cabinet, digging through it with surprising focus. Ragatha's smile softens in relief.)

Kinger's watching Pomni's face. "She's doing better," he ends up saying.

Pomni tilts her head, so the side of her face is pressed into her palm.

"Yeah," she says.

Her chest swells with emotion, just at the thought of it. Repeatedly now she's been walking on her tiptoes, worried that anything and everything would push Jax back to the brink. The good days are starting to outnumber the bad ones, at least, and she hasn't been this energetic in months. Not since the in-house adventure with the guns, maybe.

"I'm really proud of her," Kinger admits, watching her laugh at something Gangle's said. "She was a lot like this when she started to settle in here, all those years ago. It's nice to see her so upbeat again."

"I saw a little of that," Pomni says. "Back when I was in her mind. I mean— some of the good parts, how she was. But not a lot of it. Just… flashes. It's like she didn't even want me to see…" She trails off.

Kinger hums thoughtfully. "You've never really talked about what happened in there."

"It's really not my story to tell," Pomni whispers, like she's afraid Jax will hear her bringing it up. "It's all really heavy… and- and personal, I guess. I kinda promised I'd let her talk about it when she was ready."

Kinger nods. "There's a very good chance she's just forgotten a lot of before," he says, "or forgotten what it must have felt like. Grief can do that to you. I guess you already know that, considering I'm saying it."

"Yeah," Pomni sighs.

"I'm remembering a lot more now," Kinger's voice goes soft in the way it always does, when he talks about the past, "the more I stay lucid. I would like to come up with a better solution than this if I could. A lot of it's… hard, but I don't want to run from it anymore."

Pomni pries her eyes away from Jax to glance at him. He's watching the scene, his posture lax and his eyes loving. He's more focused on Ragatha than anyone else, who's still stood by the stove, bickering harmlessly with Jax and Zooble.

"I want to set a good example for her," Kinger murmurs. "And… I think there's some things I don't want to forget."

Pomni's eyes trail back to Jax again. She's gasping in mock offense at something Zooble's said, and she laughs out loud when Ragatha pitches in with a joke, doubling over with a frankly adorkable snort. Zooble and Ragatha discreetly fist bump when they're sure she isn't looking.

"Me neither," Pomni breathes.

She doesn't mention the conversation when the group crowds around the island, talking amongst themselves and indulging in the products of their labor.

Jax sits down next to her with a dramatic sigh, crossing her legs. Pomni's eyes flicker down for a split second, before she can catch herself, but Jax doesn't seem to notice. She slides over a bowl of the soup she's made with a proud grin.

Pomni gives it a try. It's surprisingly fantastic.

"I feel spoiled," she breathes.

"Good to know Ragatha wasn't just trying to protect my feelings," Jax snarks, swirling the spoon around in her own bowl. "I swear I was just eyeballing it. Maybe the digital estrogen's improving my cooking skills."

Pomni snorts, despite herself.

Jax pauses for a long time, contemplative, and then adds, calmly, "since, y'know. Female trait."

"Jax!" she laughs.

Jax blows her a kiss. Zooble bops her harmlessly over the head.

"Hey, hey, I can joke about that now!" she swats at Zooble's hand. They respond by leaning forward and aggressively noogieing her. "This is bullying! You're bullying me! Pomniiii, help me out here!"

Pomni takes a polite sip of her soup and looks away.

"This is actually punishment for finding your hair in my bowl," Zooble says. "Seriously, tie it up next time."

"That can happen?!" Jax looks bewildered, brushing her ruffled bangs out of her eyes. "Caine, it can fall out?"

"It must've been a glitch!" Caine's quick to defend himself, eyes flickering to Zooble nervously. "Look, hair physics are really hard. I've never done a model like this before!"

"Huh," Zooble says. "I kinda thought you did it on purpose. Not you Caine, don't look at me like that. Jax, it, I don't know, feels like it'd be your version of spitting in my food."

"Whatever," Jax sniffs in mock offense, not even denying the claim. "I guess I'll tie it up next time, if I have to be your lunch lady."

She sighs dramatically, leaning over on Pomni and using her as a headrest. Pomni rolls her eyes and allows it, despite the way Jax's dark hair tickles the side of her face.

Both of them are quiet for a while, soaking up the conversation. Pomni glances at Jax in the corner of her eye. She relishes in how calm she seems, how she blinks so slowly. Her pupils are big, but only in the way they are when she's genuinely relaxed, not when she's somewhere else.

She hasn't taken a sip of her soup, however. She keeps glancing at it in discomfort, and eventually she just rights herself and pushes it away towards the center of the table.

"Man, I can't eat this," Jax complains. "Just feels like a whole lot of work. Here, Caine, you can have it."

"Really?" Caine perks up, eyes sparkling. He takes the bowl and stares up at at her excitedly.

"Yeah, noticed you weren't having anything," Jax brushes it off, staring at the table instead of at him. "Actually, I don't— do you even have taste buds?"

"I don't think they'd be called taste buds?" Pomni comments. Jax shrugs back at her.

"No, but this is mine now," Caine puffs his chest out. "You've never given me a gift before."

"Huh." Jax looks surprised. "I haven't. I haven't?"

"I'll keep it in my office!" Caine snaps his fingers, and it disappears in a flash.

It makes Jax laugh, bewildered and obviously a little flattered, and Caine brightens with pride. He elbows Zooble excitedly, and they roll their eyes at him.

Pomni's noticed how they've all started treating each moment of Jax's joy like a little victory, almost competitively sometimes. It reminds her of something she'd seen in her mind, all that time ago.

She wonders if Jax has noticed that they're doing it, and how she'd feel if she did. Every time one of them grazes close to Kaufmo or Ribbit in conversation, she always recedes into herself like she's expecting to be hit or shouted at. She's avoided the part of the tent with the in-progress mural of the abstracted, and dodged engaging in the topic of the aquarium entirely up to now.

"Better than just throwing it out, so I don't care," Jax doesn't seem catch on, at least this time, so she just sounds endeared. "Guess things can't go bad here, huh?"

"If you change your mind, you can have some of mine," Pomni says, speaking up when Caine's attention pivots away. "It's pretty good. I mean, I saw you tasting some of it earlier."

Jax's smile takes on a nervous edge. "Eating kinda sucks, I don't know," she says, quieting her voice. Nobody's paying attention to them, but she seems nervous to be talking about it anyway. "I know it makes me feel better, but it's just…"

Her brows knit together, her smile falling, and Pomni suddenly feels worried that bringing it up has killed her good mood. She mostly just looks focused and not super distressed, at least.

"Ugh, I used to hate it," she admits, after a moment. "I have to keep telling myself, I can't gain weight, I can't gain weight. It doesn't mean anything. But it's like—" she gestures at her scarred side, and at her newly soft fur, "if I'm thinking about it too much, is it gonna happen anyway? I don't know."

"There's nothing wrong with gaining weight," Pomni says, carefully. She's getting the impression that this is a delicate topic, and likely one she won't fully understand. "I mean, if that's possible. It wouldn't hurt anyone."

Jax's eyes dart away, and her face screws up in frustration. Pomni can watch her walls start to clamp up, and she has to force down the urge to panic.

"Why don't you want to?" Pomni asks.

"I hated where the weight… I guess, went," Jax admits, closing her eyes. "Although I guess that could be different now with the— the character model, whatever. I dunno, I don't want wanna think about it right now."

Pomni watches her for a while. She wants to push, but she can tell this is some old baggage it'd be better not to hound her over. If being around Jax has taught her anything, it's that sometimes she has to pick her battles very carefully. She can't undo everything in one fell swoop. It's likely they're going to have this conversation a few times before it sticks.

So she says, "okay," and lets it go. Jax's shoulders slump in relief.

Pomni fingers brush against Jax's hand, the one under the table. Jax obligingly takes it, lacing them together. It makes her feel coy, like they're keeping a secret out in the open, as the others talk around them like it doesn't matter. Although based on the way she's smiling so hard her cheeks hurt, and the way Jax looks flustered, it's probably not a very well-kept one.

Jax leans back on her again, turning her head to prop up her chin. Pomni allows it, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

Casual intimacy's gotten so normal between them that nobody even bats an eye at it. It's a lot like how Zooble and Gangle interact, now that she thinks about it. The idea of them being comparable to them makes her heart flutter in her ribs. She can hear Jax softly chattering her teeth, like she's purring.

Jax's hair is silky and soft in Pomni's fingers. It's easy to smooth out knots with her hands, like she'd just washed and conditioned it. It's strikingly realistic in its texture (although it's been easier to feel grounded in a world she knows she's physically in, now), and she can't help but wonder if it's gotten that way as a result of Jax's passive conjuring, and not just Caine's work on it.

"Brush would be more convenient," Jax mumbles, relaxed back against her.

"I don't wanna go at it too hard," Pomni says.

"Don't think it'd hurt me. Cartoon world, remember?"

"I like doing this," Pomni corrects herself. She reaches up and scritches at Jax's scalp, reveling in the relaxed sigh that escapes her. It feels a little like petting an oversized cat, but she'd never say that out loud. "It's nice."

"Mhm?" Jax judges her with her eyes, but she doesn't say anything rude to get her to stop. It feels like a momentous moment of faith in her, and it makes Pomni's heart flutter. "Stop smiling at me like that, you sappy loser."

"Sorry," Pomni stifles a laugh with her hand. "Lean forward a little bit?"

Jax complies without a word, watching her warily in the corner of her eye. Pomni sits up a little more, and starts to braid it. Jax passively turns and lets her, visibly trying to relax as she works.

Pomni wants to ask, does this make you nervous? But she knows Jax doesn't like questions like that. She can't really think of a good way to rephrase it, especially when she already knows the answer.

"This feels like a dumb way to get it out of my face," Jax snarks. "Don't cooks usually wear, like, those bandannas on their heads or something?"

"It's the nicer looking option," Pomni says with a shrug. "I don't think you'd look bad with one though."

Jax pauses for a long moment. "Eh. Maybe. No."

She falls quiet as Pomni crosses her hair, mostly still except for the occasional twitch of her tail. Pomni can't see her face, so she's unsure of how she feels about it. There's a lurking feeling in the back of her head that she might have done something wrong, but she doesn't want to feed into that paranoia.

"Maybe we could put flowers in it," Pomni comments. "That'd look pretty."

"Criiiiinge," Jax complains. "That's so Tumblr."

"I think I was thinking of like, Rapunzel," Pomni laughs, undeterred. "Tangled came out before you got here, right?"

"Mhm, got here in 2012, I think. Or 2013, maybe? I never saw it, though," Jax says. "I— uh. Not big on Disney princess movies. Anymore."

"Maybe we could watch it here," Pomni hums, half-focused on her work. "I guess Ragatha and Kinger haven't seen it either, that's— weird. Maybe Ragatha wouldn't like it though. Actually maybe not you, either—" She stops herself before continuing that line of thought. "I'm serious about the flowers, though."

"Cringe," Jax repeats.

"Oh yeah," Pomni says, lilting her voice flirtatiously. "Maybe we could even make like, a whole new adventure out of it. We could go pick flowers like we're kids at church—"

"—Nooo—"

"—and frolic around in little Sunday school dresses—"

"—that's embarrassing, I don't have to listen to this, I'm plugging my stupid fluffy ears right now, I'm plugging them—"

"—and I bet you'd look sooo cute—"

Jax whips around and shoves at Pomni's face, to push her away. Pomni squeaks in surprise and rolls backward to kick at her. They grapple and shove at each other, until Pomni notices Jax's braid starting to come undone, and she squirms her way out of her reach.

"Too much?" Pomni asks, worried she's crossed a line. Sometimes it's hard to tell, because even when Jax responds to her jokes playfully, that doesn't always mean Pomni doesn't freak her out or go too far. Especially so when it comes to jokes at her expense.

"No," Jax rushes out, and then amends, shakily, "idiot."

"Okay," Pomni sits on it for a moment, before deciding not to push. "I'm gonna fix your braid, I was almost done. Get back over here."

Jax relaxes, seemingly reassured. She turns back around without hesitation. "Yes ma'am. So demanding."

"You'll deal." Pomni gets situated again, happy to fall back into the routine.

It's quiet for a while, aside from the sound of Jax's shaky, audible breathing. It doesn't sound like she's close to panicking, just a little nervous, so Pomni doesn't pry. She's struggling to braid, with how thick her gloves are and how imprecise her grip is, but she's starting to enjoy the proximity more than the task itself. She can feel Jax's back rising and falling.

"It's… weird," Jax whispers, after a while. She has that soft, fragile voice that Pomni's really only heard in her mind, like she was about to be especially vulnerable about something. "My parents were kinda— they always hated when I— I never got to grow my hair out this long."

"That sucks," Pomni says, carefully. She thinks about Leeroy and how long their hair had been in the photos she'd seen, and finds herself feeling happy for them, too.

"Yeah, I," Jax turns back to look at her, and then her eyes dart away. "Well, I guess it was long when I was like, a really little kid. I hated cutting it. But I always got teased because everyone thought I was a girl. And I guess— well. I mean—"

"You are?"

"Yeah, but—" she sighs. "You know how it is. But after I started, um. Kinda growing into myself, my dad was really demanding about me keeping it short. I had a buzz cut for like, two years. I hated it. And then my mom was even worse. And when I tried to grow it out, she always got mad at me. We had this— this big argument about it. Like, not as big as the—"

She pauses just to breathe, like she's forgotten how.

"Anyway. But she kind of… forced me to cut it. Held me down kind of forced me. And like— I'm thinking about it and realizing, like, I guess that's kinda messed up? I never thought about it that way, but. I don't know. Like, there's a lot of stuff I just didn't really think was weird because I knew I wasn't taking care of myself, like objectively, and she was just trying to help, but that was— Y'know."

Pomni's hands fall to her sides. She's finished the braid a while ago, but she's found herself holding it anyway, just to admire how it looks and feels.

"I'm sorry," she breathes, unsure of what else to say.

"You know how it is," Jax grumbles, and then leans back and shoves her palms into her eyes. "Ugh. Sorry. I feel like I killed the mood. Captain Buzzkill reporting for duty."

Pomni doesn't let it deter her. "Yeah, okay," she snorts. "First Lieutenant Party Pooper got commissioned like a month ago, so it's cool."

Jax turns to glare at her. "Who the heck hired you, Ms. Pooper?"

"You had a say in it. I think that's how it works, I dunno."

"My bad. You're fired. Dishonorable discharge."

"Hey," Pomni laughs.

Jax laughs too, albeit more nervously. She twists to flop back over next to her. Pomni nudges her, and she grumbles and turns to lay back on her stomach, protecting her work.

"My hands are clumsy, and I don't wanna redo it," Pomni huffs, only pretending to be testy about it.

"Yeah, yeah." Jax waves at her dismissively, pillowing her face in her arms, elbows pressed against the floor. Pomni's suddenly grateful for their room's carpet.

Pomni wrings her hands, trying not to watch Jax too noticeably. Her eyes are drooping like she's exhausted, and she shifts a bit to press her side up against Pomni's thigh. Pomni doesn't reach out herself, a little overwhelmed by all the physical contact, but the sensation isn't all that unpleasant. Jax is easy to touch, because touching her doesn't feel like making contact with human skin. It reminds her of cuddling with her old family dog, if anything, although she's significantly less squirmy. Most of the time.

"I like the braid," Pomni says, after a bit. "It looks nice on you."

Jax is quiet for a bit, and then she laughs to herself. "Ms. Pooper. Duuude."

"Hey," Pomni calls, tentatively. "Thanks for trusting me."

Jax rolls her eyes, endeared instead of uncomfortable.

Pomni forces herself to look away, to give Jax time to process everything without feeling watched. Despite the undercurrent of tension, and the gravity of what Jax has just told her, Pomni realizes that, next to her, she may be the happiest she's ever been in her life.

The next morning, Jax doesn't get out of bed.

Sometimes, on the rare nights they spend in bed together, Pomni will sit up by her side, and watch her sleep.

Usually she situates herself lower down the bed, like she wants to be small. She'll throw her arm over Pomni's waist and tuck the scarred side of her face against her side, right above her hip. She'll always start out sleeping restlessly, but her face will even out in dreaming.

Pomni will often reach out, to cup the back of her head with her hand, run her fingers through her hair, and stare at her peaceful, unguarded expression — and she'll think, selfishly, just to herself, I wish I knew your name.

It's the dawn of 2018, outside in the real world. It's an active choice they make to celebrate the year passing, to give them something to look forward to, and to process time moving in their isolated pocket of reality. It's more quaint than it would be if Pomni were out there, but she thinks she prefers the quiet this time.

They watch fireworks, and eat themed food, as New Years finally arrives. The tent goes dark as midnight passes. Kinger's off working on something, and Caine finds himself occupied elsewhere (he's been trying out sleep lately, and it's ridiculously cute, when they catch him doing it). Jax is peacefully curled up on her couch, deep in slumber, as Pomni and the others find a way to pass the time.

"I'll go next," Zooble says. They're holding one of the blocks from Pomni's room, having just taken it from Ragatha's hands. "There was this person I knew out there, Maliyah. We hooked up for a few months before I ended up here." They sigh wistfully, staring up at the ceiling. "They were— shit, I miss talking to them a lot, funniest asshole I ever met. We had a bit of a fight before I ended up here, but— I saw them in some of the pictures of my bar. Just have to wonder how we turned out, you know?"

"You think you're a thing out there?" Pomni asks.

"Not really," Zooble says. "It didn't really get that far, we were just good friends that fucked around with each other sometimes. They're aromantic, they weren't really looking for that."

Pomni's caught off guard by the label, but she knows she's heard it before in passing, so she nods thoughtfully.

Ragatha blinks in confusion. "Aromantic? What's that?"

"When you don't fall in love with other people," Gangle says.

"I didn't know there was a label for that." Ragatha sounds surprised. "I guess that makes sense. Sorry, I don't really know all the—"

"It's fine," Zooble shuts her down quickly. "It happens. You wanna go next, Gangle?"

"Oh. Of course." Gangle takes the block, and says immediately, "I miss my cat."

"Oh, man," Ragatha falls back on the couch. "I miss my cats too. And my chickens and horses."

Pomni morosely thinks about her old, grouchy family dog. She'd been so happy to move out and get away from her pushy parents that she hadn't gotten to see him for years. There's a good chance he's not around anymore, and the idea puts a pit in her stomach.

"Yeah I," Gangle winces as she seems to remember something unpleasant. "I remember, um… when I first got here, I cried for hours, because I— I thought, who's gonna feed him? Is he gonna get left there? So I'm… I'm really glad he's okay."

"One benefit to this fucked up situation, I guess," Zooble comments.

Gangle looks at them adoringly. "There's a lot of benefits," she whispers.

Zooble's eyes soften. Pomni clears her throat, trying to be polite while reminding them she's there. Gangle jumps like she's been caught doing something wrong, and tosses the block over to her, demurely putting her ribbon hands in her lap and straightening her posture.

"I'm trying to think of things," Pomni says. She's spent a lot of time trying not to think about what she's lost, now that she knows the full extent of her situation. It's only really served to make her upset. "I— oh. I really liked the smell after rain."

"Petrichor?" Ragatha asks. "I think that's what it's called."

"Sounds right to me, yeah," Pomni laughs, a little surprised by Ragatha's knowledge of the subject. "I miss walking home from work right after it'd stopped raining. I had my license, but I didn't really have a car, so I'd usually just take the bus. I liked that over getting an uber, or something. I didn't really like rain itself, though."

"I liked the rain a lot," Gangle mumbles. "It doesn't really feel the same in here. I guess I just don't really feel the cold."

"God, sitting by my window in the evening and listening to the sound of it," Zooble breathes. "I didn't even realize I missed that. The tent gets so goddamn quiet."

"Me and Jax got a fan for our room," Pomni says. "Its really been helping. You could probably get something like a white noise machine if you wanted."

"I'll see about that," Zooble says. "I'm kind of terrible at conjuring still, so I'll talk to Caine about it. Maybe tomorrow."

Pomni tosses the block to Ragatha. She fumbles with it as she struggles to grab it, and then laughs nervously, just to herself. Zooble bumps her shoulder with theirs reassuringly, and that seems to make her relax.

"Okay, um…" Ragatha grimaces, curling back into herself. "I guess I don't really have… another nice story to tell, if that's okay. Like, I don't want to make anyone feel awkward, or—"

"Hey, of course that's okay," Zooble says, quickly. Ragatha winces at being cut off, and they shrug sympathetically. "Sorry. I- I mean, it kind of feels in the spirit of the game."

"I did just talk about crying over my cat," Gangle assures. "So it's not like it'd be weird."

"It's something I've been worried about, for… a bit, actually," Ragatha laughs, with an edge of hysteria. "Like, I've been asking Caine to check my social media, and it's just— it's not really resolved like you guys'— sorry. Sorry."

"You can talk to us," Pomni speaks up uncertainly. "About anything. You know that."

"Right, yeah." Ragatha stares down at the block, instead of at them. "I… um. I really— I miss my little brother. I guess I've been— thinking about it a lot. He was only nine when i came here. He'd- he'd be eighteen now."

Pomni's stomach twists sympathetically. "I didn't know you had a little brother."

Ragatha shrugs theatrically, like she's trying to mask deeply concealed pain. "This is gonna be— I'm gonna say something really dumb, and selfish," she breathes, "but— I remember, so so clearly, that before I came here, I kind of… I resented him a little? Even though he was so little, my mom was— she was so much better to him than me, when she was- was around him, I guess. It was usually me taking care of him. And I guess I just… I hated it."

She leans over, pressing her face into the object in her hands. Her shoulders shake, and she trembles with the effort to hold back tears.

"He was only nine," she whispers. "I tried so hard not to take it out on him, but I think he could tell. I was so young and- and stupid. I- I am really happy that the other me is away from her, I am, she was— I know she was terrible. But I'm so scared that I left him there."

The fight drains out of her with a great, whooshing sigh. Pomni's lost on what to say, because she didn't really struggle with anything like that. She wasn't close to much of anyone, she'd always remained closed off, even to her family.

Although she has grappled with feeling like she abandoned someone that needed her, the girl she has those feelings about is literally in the room with her right now. She's not sure bringing it up would be helpful, especially with how different her situation is. She's also not sure trying to empathize by bringing up her own baggage would accomplish much.

"There's a lot of reasons he might not be showing up on your profiles," Zooble says, breaking the uncomfortable quiet that'd passed over them. "He's an adult now. He could just be a private person."

Ragatha sniffles. "I guess," she says. "I just… I'm really scared I'll never know, you know?"

"I get it," Zooble assures. Gangle nods, very seriously. "But if it's anything, I wouldn't really hate you for anything you did out there. You're different people."

"Also, um," Gangle pipes up nervously. "If— I don't know how bad it was, but if you didn't really have a choice, you wouldn't have been… doing a bad thing by leaving, I think."

"Yeah," Ragatha calms herself down, sitting up and wiping at her eye. "Maybe. I still was the adult, though? I just hope I did something. I hope I didn't just… run away." She pauses for a long time, before she flushes with embarrassment, seeming to catch herself. "Oh. Sorry, I kind of make things awkward, I didn't mean—"

"Hey, you're good," Pomni butts in. "I'm glad you talked about it."

"Same," Gangle says.

"Ribbit's kind of the only person I told, before," Ragatha mumbles, stumbling over the name like she's worried she's not allowed to say it. "I mean. I guess you guys don't know who that is, except for- for Pomni, maybe, but—"

"I know about them," Pomni says, simply. It's not her place to say anything more.

"Yeah," Ragatha's mouth quirks up into a fond smile. "It's just been hard to… to think about. Back then it was easier when I thought it was just me trapped in here, but knowing I could've, and I might've not—" she squeezes her eyes shut. "I'll stop talking about this now. Here, it's probably your turn, Zooble."

"If that's what you want," Zooble says, sounding sad. They don't take the block from her, watching her face carefully. They look scared to drop it, and Pomni's kind of echoing the sentiment.

Jax shifting on her couch catches her attention. Pomni only eyes her for a moment, thinking she's just moving in her sleep, only to perk up at the small, disgruntled sound she makes. Ragatha breathes a sigh of relief as the attention shifts away from her.

"Mornin', fellas," Jax slurs.

"It's like, two AM," Gangle informs her.

Jax blinks open her eyes, squinting grumpily at them. "Why're you up, then?" she mumbles. "Watching me sleep, you weirdos?"

"Don't be so full of yourself," Zooble snarks back. "We're talking about other stuff. In proximity to you."

"Convenient excuse," Jax says, sitting up. Pomni had thrown a blanket over her earlier, and she pulls it over her shoulders and burrows into it as she leans against the arm of the couch, pouting at them. It's so endearing that Pomni has to hide a smile behind her hand. "What're we talking 'bout?"

"I don't think you'd like it," Ragatha says. Jax narrows her eyes at her. "Oh, uh. That's the worst thing I could've said, isn't it?"

"Suspicious," Jax mumbles.

"Dude," Zooble says. "We're doing an icebreaker game."

Jax's blinks blearily at them. "Why? I've known you guys for like," she pauses to yawn, "years? Well, Ragatha and Gangle, I guess. I don't know when Gangle came here."

"2015," Gangle says. "I think. Well, I dunno why I'm saying I think. I know, but—"

Jax's face goes blank. "2015," she echoes, thoughtfully. "Okay."

"Zooble and Pomni haven't been here that long, to be fair," Ragatha chuckles, rerouting the conversation. "And we're trying to get better about… opening up to each other, in general, about stuff. You can join if you want."

"Yeah," Pomni says. Jax's attention pivots to her immediately, ears perked like she's surprised she's there. "We kinda just did a round, so it's probably the best time. You know. If you want to. It might be… I don't know."

Jax groans. "Ugh, you guys are being all nice," she complains. "What is it?"

"We're just talking about stuff we miss," Ragatha says. "From out in the real world, I mean. Mostly people, but… it kind of could be anything, if you want to go."

Pomni watches Jax's walls clamp up. The side of her mouth twitches, and there's a split second where she looks terrified. Then she eases into that fake, plastic smile she always puts on when she's trying to dodge talking about her feelings.

"Oh, wow, Raggie, you're right," she forces out, her voice tight and strained. "I wouldn't like that. I think I'm just gonna go back to sleep, actually. In Pomni's room. Away from here."

"Hey," Zooble snaps. "Seriously. I've known you for— what, two years now? And I still don't know a single thing about your life before here. If you don't wanna talk about the messy shit, that's fine, but—"

"You saw my other self's Instagram," Jax defends, already getting off the couch. She's already started trembling a little. "Don't lie to me."

"I want to know about you," Zooble insists. "Not her. Because I like you, despite everything."

Jax's pupils constrict. Her gaze darts over to Pomni, like she's looking for permission to leave. Pomni's a little uncertain, because she doesn't think it'd be right to force her into a conversation, especially when they're doing something so mundane and inconsequential; but she also knows that her curiosity has already been fed. She has no reason to push, but the others do.

"Don't look at me like I know," Pomni ends up saying. "It's up to you."

"Man, I hate when it's up to me." Nervousness creeps into her voice. "I don't— I don't even have anything to say, I dunno."

"Can't you just give it a chance?" Ragatha asks.

Jax sits back down. "I don't have anything to say," she repeats.

Zooble's brows knit together. "When you say that," they start, imploringly, "do you mean, like, that you have nothing you want to say, or is it that you can't think of anything? Because I can understand both."

Jax wrings her hands in her lap. "I—" her voice dies, and she gives up. "I feel like saying anything would be—" She looks to Pomni again.

"You don't have to," Pomni reminds her.

"We were passing around a block," Ragatha says, holding it up. "Do you want the block?"

"That sounds stupid…" Jax starts, but Ragatha tosses it over, and she catches it effortlessly. "Why is it wet?"

"Don't worry about it," Zooble says. "Just talk if you want to."

"Nobody's gonna judge you," Gangle pipes up, bashful.

Surprise crosses over Jax's face, and she stares at her in muted shock. She has that look on her face that means she's about to drift somewhere else, and it immediately spurs Pomni to move, despite how uncertain she feels about being pushy.

Pomni stands, and steps over to sit to Jax next on her couch. The cushion dipping startles her out of whatever haze she's in, even though Pomni takes the other end, to give her a degree of distance. Jax takes a deep breath.

"Ugh," she grumbles. "Okay. Fine. But still, it's— it's still dumb and overdramatic. There's like, a reason that I don't… talk about my life, I guess."

She pauses, like she's waiting to be agreed with. The sight of their sympathetic faces just makes her face twist up with frustration.

"It's not dumb and overdramatic," Pomni says. "I know what you're talking about, and it's not."

"You don't know what I'm talking about," Jax says, flatly.

Pomni blinks. "Is there more?" She realizes it's kind of a callous thing to say the moment it comes out of her mouth, and she winces.

"We're not talking about this," Jax snaps. "Just— later. Or never, maybe. I— ugh."

"Take your time," Ragatha says.

"I'm trying—" Jax catches herself the moment she's about to get argumentative, and reels herself back in. "I-I-I— I wasn't being like, difficult on purpose, when I said there wasn't anything. Because there wasn't anything. There wasn't a single thing for me out there that was- was better than here."

Pomni nods sympathetically, even though she knows Jax isn't looking at her. Secretly, she's begun to feel the same; she's overcome with grief for the mundane, small things, like sensory details, and grounding methods that are noticeably absent in this world, but not really for her life, anymore, especially because she knows Abby's still living it. It'd been a miasma of boredom, of dissatisfaction.

At least in the circus, she can do anything she wants with her time, even if she sacrifices her ability to make an impact on the world out there. Now that Caine is better, and happier, she can structure her life as she wants, without the worries of the outside world. There's something and someone to look forward to, every time she wakes up in the morning. She's never felt less alone.

She knows it's not truly the same for Jax, who had lost everything before coming here, but deep down she really, really hopes it's started to feel that way, too, that it's become less of at least it's better than out there, and more of it was bad out there, and here makes me happy.

"I wasn't alive," Jax admits, like it hurts for her to do so. "I can't even remember what the sun felt like. God, okay, like— it's so edgy, but I don't even think I ever felt it. It was— for all my life, all of it was just behind a wall. It wasn't really hunky dory with my family either, but… I'm not gonna talk about that."

"You should tell them how you came here," Pomni says. She'd phrase it as a question, but Jax doesn't like those. It's better received as a suggestion.

Jax's foot thumps against the floor. Pomni can't help but wonder if she knows she's been doing bunny things, considering how insecure she is about her avatar. She's decided she's never going to bring it up, just in case she doesn't.

"I don't know if it'd change anything," Jax says.

"I dunno," Pomni pushes. "It's kind of vital context. To like, everything. I don't mean the— you know. Just how you were."

"Ugh. Fine. But only if everyone promises not to look at me while I do it."

Pomni looks to the other three, shrugging. They do obligingly look away, Ragatha even covering her eye with her mitt, and it makes her laugh. It does wring a surprised chuckle out of Jax as well, which feels like a little victory within itself.

"Thank you," she says. "Okay, uh. I was, um… before I ended up here, I was kind of…" she takes a deep breath, "…you know. Homeless? Um."

Ragatha sucks in a deep breath. She drops her mitt, and Jax glares at her until she apologizes and continues to block her eye.

"You can ask questions if you want," Jax says. "I- I really don't know what to say, or— it's hard to talk about. I didn't even say much to—" she sucks in a sharp breath. "Yeah."

Zooble's staring at the ceiling, their posture casual. "If that's what you want," they say. "Did you have anyone to stay with?"

"I wasn't couch surfing, no," Jax says. "I had some online friends, but they didn't live in the area, so that was a bust. It was my first thought, not gonna lie. I- I know someone helped the other-me, but I don't really know about that. Or who that was. I didn't know anyone."

"Weren't there any… like, outreach programs you could've gone to?" Ragatha asks. "Did you do that?"

"You're talking like I'm still homeless, jeez," Jax laughs. "It's been like five years. But no, I, uh. Didn't want to go to a shelter, or like, anything like that. Like for one, those places suck, but I was kind of avoiding getting, like… caught? I had to ditch my car after a while, too. I was really freaked out about— stuff. Couldn't find a job either, I hadn't worked a day in my life. I didn't have any money, my mom had control of my bank account."

She only seems to notice what she said after it comes out of her mouth, and she looks to Pomni in a panic. Pomni scoots over to sink into her side, and it only makes her minutely relax. The shaking's really picked up, and she can feel it.

"Sorry," Jax says. Her voice is rattling dangerously, like she's on the precipice of a full-blown panic attack. "I don't wanna— you can look at me now. Just don't ask about it."

Zooble tilts their head back down. "I've known a lot of people who had to deal with that," they say. "I'm sorry."

Jax's eyes narrow. "Don't give me that crap," she bites out, clearly uncomfortable. She tosses the block to them, and they catch it and set it to the side. "It's cool. Whatever. You can go back to your game."

"You don't have to brush it off," Pomni says. "It's good that you're telling more people about this."

She expects that to be enough to change her mind on things. Usually with Jax it is, these days. But instead, it seems to only frustrate her more. She pulls away from Pomni and clutches her blanket like a lifeline. Pomni stares up at her, confused.

"Jax," she tries.

"I'm gonna go to bed," Jax says, standing again. "It's early anyway. Gotta keep my precious sleep schedule intact, right?"

Pomni doesn't push. It probably wouldn't be right to, at least not while they're being watched. So she just says, instead of the many things she wants to, "okay."

Watching her leave makes her throat tighten with panic. She doesn't chase after her, relieved to watch her storm off to the hall and towards their room, instead of anywhere else. She can feel everyone else staring at her, and her shoulders slump with a sigh.

"Is she okay?" Gangle asks.

"I don't think anyone said anything wrong," Pomni tries to smooth it over, before anyone starts to get self-conscious about it. "It's just kind of a sore subject." Considering what it'd lead to the last time she'd opened up about it, she doesn't even really blame her (even if it was definitely her fault).

"Yeah, I kinda got that." Zooble sounds frustrated. "I don't know why she thinks we're gonna freak out on her."

"It's not about us," Pomni sighs, turning back to look at them. Jax's couch feels too big and empty without her on it. "It's just… everything."

"She never told me she was homeless," Ragatha breathes. "When she first came here, she was— I guess it makes sense, with what I know, but still."

Gangle stares at the entrance of the hall, where Jax is already long-gone. "Do you… think that's why she pushed the button?"

"It'd make sense," Zooble sounds like they'd already come to that conclusion. "Doesn't make it right, but. Maybe we should've pushed more, after that. I don't know."

Pomni's skin prickles uncomfortably. The topic's starting to get to her, mostly because she wants to elaborate where Jax refused to, but she knows that isn't the right thing to do. She has to swallow down the building dread.

"I'll talk to her, I promise," she says, "but I don't think there's anything we can do right now. Zooble, I think it was your turn?"

"Oh, yeah," they take the block, but they don't look or sound all that content to continue. "I'm realizing, since I guess it's kind of topical, I've never really talked about my weird relationship with my family…"

Loving her is easy. Pomni would never, ever, ever say it isn't. It's not that she doesn't get angry, and impatient, and sorrowful; it's just that it never changes how she feels about her in a broader sense. Even at her angriest, she thinks, I love you, but why? At her most upset, she thinks I love you, but what am I doing wrong?

And it's because Jax makes it the easiest thing in the world. On her good days, she makes Pomni feel seen, and appreciated, and included. On her bad days, she clings to her harder than she would anyone else. She lets Pomni curl around her, instead of the other way around, and it feels fuzzy and pleasant, in ways she's never felt before. Sometimes Pomni grieves being too small to spoon her, although saying something about it would definitely be pushing boundaries between them.

(Everyone Pomni's ever gotten close to has wanted her to hide against them, even when there's never been anything to hide from. Jax is the only person she's ever met who's wanted to hide against her.)

But sometimes— just sometimes.

Jax will wake up from a bad day, angry. Pomni will have sat with her for hours, stressed out of her mind, and she'll have hugged and soothed her the whole time, choking back her own sobs in fear the stress will turn to fever. And Jax will turn to look at Pomni, and bristle, like she doesn't recognize her.

And she'll say, why are you even here?

Pomni will remember the days before, of getting the privilege to be her respite, of watching her laugh in the kitchen, of getting to braid her hair as they bicker pleasantly about nothing, of curling up with her and talking about the future, and she'll be so overwhelmed that she'll talk about none of it. Because how can she say, because of everything?

I love you feels so small, even though it's all she can say. I love you, I love you.

And Jax will laugh, sharp-edged like broken glass, and say, I'm sure you do.

Pomni's heart will crack right down the middle, because what scares isn't the fear of not being believed. What terrifies her is that she can tell that Jax believes her. She doesn't know what to make of that anger.

She'll think about how Jax has never said I love you back, not out loud. And instead of screaming at her for it, she'll say nothing, even if she won't take the disrespect in the moment. Because that's just not the kind of thing she can force.

She has to start to wonder if I love you isn't so all-encompassing because it doesn't capture the hunger. She wants and wants and wants. She doesn't know how to stop. She doesn't want to stop, and that's what's the most terrifying.

Jax will always be able to tell she's hurt, even if she doesn't say anything about it. Pomni will inevitably reach out for her, and she will pull away.

And that is hard.

Pomni expects the next morning to be another bad one. She doesn't expect Jax to not be in their room at all.

She doesn't even notice at first. It's five in the morning when she settles down, and tries to get in a few hours of sleep, just so she doesn't have to feel the time passing. She wakes, and stares longingly into the canopy, like she always does, only to realize that there's no sillhouette curled up there.

Normally, this could just mean Jax got up early (which she usually doesn't do, but there's been exceptions), or she'd been called elsewhere, but considering the tense conversation last night, Pomni's first instinct is to panic. She practically throws herself out of bed and out into the hall, struggling to find her footing against the floor.

Her breath picks up, faster and faster, until she can't draw a steady one in. She feels dizzy, and she stumbles, slamming her palm against the wall to keep herself upright. Her eyes dart around, like she's expecting Jax not to be far, somewhere in her line of sight, but she just isn't there.

A heaving sob breaks free from her chest. She bites down on the next one that threatens to escape, staring at the far distance and shaking apart. If she's already too late, if she made the choice again to give her space, only to let her die, again—

Through the blur of tears, she realizes she's looking at the door to Jax's old room. The photo is gone, just like on Pomni's. She can't remember if that's always been the case, or if that's a new development. But she doesn't really care about that. She's zeroed in on the fact that the door is slightly ajar.

Pomni turns away. She thumps her forehead harmlessly on the wall, next to her hand, and does her best to take a deep, measured breath. In through her invisible nose, out through her mouth. She slumps as she regains control over herself, and manages to wrangle down the terror strangling her ribcage.

"Okay," she whispers, to herself. "It's okay."

Her body still feels exhausted, even though she knows that's something her head is making up, but she has a feeling she knows what's going on here, and she doesn't want to wait to wake up a little more.

She swivels around on her heel, and approaches the door in four long strides. She squares her shoulders, preparing herself to see something awful, and slowly pushes it open. It creaks quietly, announcing her entrance, but she doesn't hear a response.

She's only actually been in Jax's old room once in her life, on the night she'd gone through the wreckage to retrieve all of her photographs. Regardless, she'd seen it as it was once before, briefly, when she'd been in her mind. She's almost expecting to see it intact again, like her abstraction had never happened, but it's not that way at all. It's been picked clean of all its furniture. Every little bit of decorative flair is absent. It's a dark, windowless crypt of four empty walls.

Jax is sat in the corner, her knees pulled up to her chest. Her head is lolled on her shoulder, and her eyes are shut. Her fur is wild and unkempt. Pomni can't tell if she's breathing, but she supposes it'd be more obvious if she wasn't.

The quiet she's met with is an old, familiar friend. Pomni sinks down next to her, unafraid, because she's seen this a million times. She's working overtime not to kick herself for not running after her last night, because she also knows it's good to give her more good faith, even if it sometimes ends like this.

"Jax?" she asks. "You with me?"

Jax's eyes open. Pomni's pretty convinced she hasn't been sleeping at all.

"Never left," she says, flatly.

Pomni's unsure of what to say. It's not really the answer she was expecting. There's no bullshit to really call her out on, even though it's quite likely a lie. Jax never sounds like that when she's in her right mind.

"You shouldn't be in here," Pomni tells her. She's sure she already knows it, but she wants to say it.

"My choice," Jax fires back, staring right through her. "Why do you even care?"

Pomni grinds her teeth. "I don't want to have this conversation with you again," she says, a little desperate. She knows it's selfish, and saying it isn't helpful, but she's tired of it. "You already know why."

Jax responds with a disinterested hum. Pomni tries not to feel too angry with her for it, because she's not fully present right now. It's obvious, no matter what she says.

"I fucked up," Jax says, in a small voice.

"No you didn't," Pomni snaps, immediately. "Nobody's gonna hurt you."

"That's not what I'm scared of."

"So talk to me," Pomni pushes. "Maybe not right now, but- but tell me. You were doing so well, why are you trying to run away?" She presses her palms into her eyes. She's trying really hard not to blow up over nothing. "Did we do something wrong?"

"Doesn't matter," Jax grumbles. Pomni's immediate assumption is that it means yes, she did mess up somehow, and Jax is just too insecure to tell her how she fumbled.

"Then tell me," Pomni pleads. "I need to know."

Jax looks increasingly less bleary-eyed, and increasingly more frustrated. Pomni's trying not to echo her anger, but she doesn't get it, she feels helpless and anxious and it's making her upset.

"Why?" Jax spits.

"I want to fix it," Pomni breathes.

And for some reason, it ends up being the worst thing she possibly could have said. Jax's eyes finally sharpen. She uncurls from her defensive position, and she suddenly just looks angry, in a way Pomni hasn't seen in a long time.

"Why does it always have to be something you did?!" Jax shouts.

Pomni rears back in shock.

"Everyone keeps talking like I'm just— I'm scared of everything and everyone, like I'm some stupid little kid who can't be reasoned with, or like some dementia-ridden vegetable that you have to water and feed like a plant so I just—" Jax's rant is broken up by a hoarse, heaving sob, "—shut up and stop crying, like suddenly because I'm not hitting and laughing at people I'm this- this poor helpless victim that you just need to coddle the hurt out of—!"

"What?!" Pomni shouts back, before she can stop herself. "Why do you— do you seriously think that's what's going on?! Why can't you tell that we care about you?!"

"I don't care if you care about me! You can't fix me!" Jax cries.

"That's not what I meant— it's not what I'm trying to do," Pomni snarls. "I can't undo what you did, I can't make you a better person! All we're trying to do is show you you can choose that, and you're just— you're being stubborn again, after everything—?!"

Jax throws herself to her feet. "I'm never going to get better!" she screams. "Nothing's going to make me better! And it's like— you forget that a little more, every time I tell you I just— I watch you forget what I did," she bares a mouth of sharp teeth, "the people I murdered."

"We've talked about this, you didn't—"

"I am sick," Jax barrels over her, shaking violently as the words tumble out of her, like she can't control them. "And even if I'm not going to kill you, I'm gonna drag you down with me. I'm gonna keep waking up too out of it to get out of bed, and I'm gonna keep telling you more stupid things about my stupid life that make you look like you're going to cry, and you're gonna keep lying that it's not a big deal to make me feel better, to my face, and I'm going to keep doing this."

She gestures at herself, and then the big, empty room around them.

"This! And it's like you want me to do this to Ragatha, to Gangle—" she hyperventilates between her words, anxiously running her hands through her hair, "—and I can't. God, it's like none of you get it, I can't."

The fight drains out of Pomni in an instant. Jax's anger falters at the look that crosses over her face, whatever it is. Her gaze darts down to the floor, her mouth drawn in a line, and she recedes back like she's trying to hug herself. It's a miracle that she hasn't run yet. Pomni knows it's coming.

"Shit," Jax warbles, but she doesn't take it back.

"You're not going to hurt me," Pomni says.

Jax barks out a surprised laugh. It's discordant through her tears. "What's wrong with you?"

"You're not going to hurt me like you think you are," Pomni corrects. "And I know that because I love you. Remember?"

It doesn't get the intended reaction out of her. She just scoffs, her mouth twitching as she tries to smile, and fails. She turns and backs away, shaking her head. It's almost like she's disappointed.

"That's the problem," Jax breathes.

Pomni rises to her feet. Jax is backing towards the door, and Pomni knows she's going to leave as fast as she can. She doesn't know what's going to happen if she leaves. What's worse than the idea of her running off and abstracting now is her closing herself off for good, refusing to be taken care of, and killing herself slow. Being so blind to Pomni's care in her fear of inconvenience that it breaks them both.

Pomni can't stand the idea of it happening. It infuriates her. So she does the stupidest and bravest thing she possibly can in the moment, and she pulls out her Hail Mary.

"If you abstract," she seethes, "I'm doing it with you."

Another laugh bubbles out of Jax's chest. She just sounds terrified.

"You can leave me, you can never talk to me again," with every step Pomni takes towards her, Jax steps back, "and it'll hurt, but I'll live, because you'll still be here. But if you go and die, you're taking me down with you. I'll jump right in like I did before and I won't come out. When I thought it was too late, when I was in your mind, I was gonna. And I don't regret that."

"You're crazy," Jax whimpers.

"I don't, I swear. Not even a little," Pomni snarls. "So if you're doing this so you can go and try again, it's not gonna work. And if you're doing this because you think I'm gonna die and leave you, it's not gonna work. You'll only kill me if you kill yourself."

"Oh my God." She won't stop shaking. "What are you even saying right now?"

"Don't try to brush this off," Pomni doesn't back down. There's no more backing down. She's never been happier to be stupid. "You're the light of my life. I love you, you're the only reason I wake up in the morning half the time. And maybe I'm crazy, maybe, but sometimes I like it when it hurts to love you so much, especially when it's obvious you don't mean to, because at least then I know it's real!"

"Stop it—"

"So hurt me!" Pomni shouts. "Tell me you'll never talk to me again, or tell me what you actually want!"

"No!" Jax screams, in pure anguish. "NO!"

Pomni stares her down, bristling. She doesn't speak another word, because she's made her point, and she'll wait for eternity to get her answer, if she has to. And she'll wait because she already knows what the answer will be, she just needs Jax to say it.

"I- I can't—" Jax wails, shaking her head in disbelief. "I- I— no. No. No!"

Pomni takes one more step forward, her face locked into grim determination. Jax reacts with panic, rocketing backwards until she hits the closed door. She tears it open, violently enough that the wood rattles as it slams against the wall with an echoing CRACK, and she runs.

Pomni doesn't run after her as she hears her footfalls fade. She stares at the empty space she's left behind instead, panting with her teeth bared. It takes all her self-restraint not to break down into a fit of hysterical screaming, because it hurts. The effort she's been making to hold herself back has been hurting her for weeks. There's still so much she's realizing she wants to say.

She's not surprised when the others find her. She knows how loud they were being, she just hadn't really cared. She doesn't answer most of their questions. She pushes away their comfort without a word.

She curls up on Jax's couch, and waits for her to come back like a dog.

She doesn't.

Pomni waits on that couch until nightfall. She ends up sleeping there, unable to go back at her room and stare at her empty bed all night. Jax isn't back by morning, and Pomni does ask pretty much everyone she can. They haven't seen her at all. It's likely she hasn't even entered the tent since she ran.

She wants to give Jax space, but the more time that passes without any sign of her, the more she starts to worry. Jax doesn't act like this when she's trying to do the cold shoulder routine, because the point of it for her has always been to act like she's above her feelings being hurt. Pomni doesn't know what to make of the radio silence.

They were originally meant to do an adventure today; just a small, low stakes one. Pomni feels awful when they unanimously decide against it, too worried to want to leave her side. She's pretty insistent they go without her, but they aren't really listening.

"It's not just about you," Zooble says. "It'd feel wrong to do this without her either."

"Yeah," Gangle agrees. "I wouldn't feel good not knowing where she is. And… it gets quiet without you two."

Zooble snorts. "God. It's gotten so bad there's this— ugh, backing track of Jax quips in my head. Every time something even slightly funny happens to me, I swear I can just hear her needling me about it."

Pomni laughs, because it's been the same for her lately. She knows if she'd had a fight with someone else, Jax would be incessantly bothering her about it, nudging her out of bed and making food for her personally, even though she could just conjure something instead, so Pomni could watch her work (and have an excuse to braid her hair again). She'd go on and on about how it's not worth it to worry this much, c'mon, chin up, you sap. You're making me feel secondhand sad from over here, seriously. They'll come back and you two can go and hug it out like pansies and go, like, suck each other off about it, I don't care, stop looking at me like that—

Her giggle dissolves into a soft sob. She throws her hands over her face, trying to stifle it, but she knows everyone's already heard her.

"Sorry," Pomni warbles. "I just miss her. I'm really worried I pushed too much, I—"

"Hey," Kinger says. "She might just need space for now. You haven't ruined it forever."

"This is new, though," Pomni insists. "She's never, and I've never—" she stammers to a stop.

Her mind stutters on the incident they'd had, back when Jax was still sick and recovering from her abstraction, when she'd tried to run away for good. When Pomni had told her she'd loved her for the time, and when she'd watched her shatter into pieces. It feels like the same thing has happened, except Jax has succeeded in abandoning her, this time. She's deeply scared she'll just never come back. It's not like she has any physical needs to fulfill in here.

That can't be true, though. Jax is extremely extroverted and sociable, far more than Pomni is. She needs love and attention more than she needs the oxygen in her lungs. She melts under the care that terrifies her so much. Pomni will sometimes catch her looking at her like she hung the moon and the stars. There has been progress, even if Jax hasn't noticed it. She's scared of something entirely different now, because she knows she's loved, and that she'll have something to come back to.

"I think I'm kind of catastrophizing, a little bit," Pomni admits.

"Can you tell us what happened?" Ragatha asks. Her voice is trembling, like she's trying not to lose it, and oh— this is probably a bit of a loaded thing for her to witness, isn't it? Pomni feels awful. "What did you tell her?"

Pomni flips over onto her side to curl up on the couch, pulling her knees to her chest. Ragatha's sat on the floor, next to the couch, watching her with furrowed brows. There's genuine fear on her face that she's trying to bury, ineffectively. Pomni doesn't think her phrasing is meant to be accusatory, but she sounds like she's more worried Pomni was rude than Jax. She wonders if that'd terrify Jax, if she knew Ragatha was starting to have so much faith in her.

"It's— I don't even know? I don't even know how I feel," Pomni says. "I was just being honest. She was just really worried that- that she was doing something wrong. She was kind of shitty about it, but… she was trying to protect my feelings. Our feelings."

"Right," Zooble sighs. "This is about the talk we had before that, right?"

Pomni nods, her chin wobbling as she tries to hold back tears. "I didn't realize she wasn't in bed," she says. "She was just— curled up in her old room all night. I should've— maybe I should've followed her when she ran off? I think she just got all in her head about it, which, it happens, but." She takes a deep breath. "She thinks we feel too bad for her."

"That's dumb," Gangle says, bluntly.

It surprises a tearful laugh out of her, and she sniffles and scrubs at her eyes, trying to get a hold of herself. "Yeah," she says. "Well."

They're all watching her expectantly, waiting for her to continue. Pomni realizes she hasn't really answered Ragatha's question, but she doesn't even fully understand what she's said, still, or how Jax even took it.

"I just… said some really personal stuff," Pomni says, instead of specifics, "that she probably wasn't ready to hear."

Zooble's eyes widen. "Oh." They make the closest approximation they can to an empathetic grimace. "Shit, man. That's— I mean, I guess I was expecting it to happen eventually, but—"

"What?" Pomni asks.

Ragatha and Gangle's faces shift in understanding. Pomni's gaze darts over to Kinger, who's sat down on the other end of the couch. She's hoping he'll look just as confused as she does, but he doesn't look surprised at all. If anything, he's just sympathetic.

"Maybe we made it worse?" Gangle shrinks into herself, looking bashful. "We've kind of been teasing her about it for a while."

"Yeah," Ragatha agrees. "I don't know if we were making her insecure, but we thought—"

"Woah, hey," Pomni snaps, and then winces at the way Ragatha flinches. "I— sorry for cutting you off. I'm, um. I feel like I'm the only one not in the loop here?" She finds herself sitting up and straightening her posture. She's overcome with a sudden wave of dread. "What do you guys think I said?"

Zooble narrows their eyes at her. "I mean. I thought it was obvious you confessed?"

Gangle and Ragatha look away the moment they say it, shrugging and trying to look unassuming, which means they agree.

"Confessed—" Pomni starts, and then stops. She feels a little bit like her brain is blue screening. "Oh my God."

"You, uh… didn't?" Ragatha asks.

Pomni flops back down on the couch. "That's the thing," she says hollowly. "I think I did. Like, not directly, but I—"

She laughs, because it's so comical. It's hilarious. Pomni used to hate getting close to people, back before she came here, because she's always been so sentimental. It made everyone assume it meant she wanted them romantically, even though she didn't. The assumptions they made about her because of her open bisexuality really didn't help. Even Jax had joked about it to her, a lifetime ago, when she still so desperate to push her away. Are you coming onto me? It'd really struck a nerve at the time.

But God, there's no other way to interpret some of what she said, and what she's been saying for months. She feels like she's been toying with Jax's feelings by not addressing it, because she's never addressed it to herself. She always thought she'd been okay with what they were, even if it sometimes hurt; but she can't really know if Jax feels that way at all.

Yeah. It's funny. It's so funny she wants to cry.

"Oh my God," Pomni repeats, her voice wobbling as she tries not to cry again. "I called her the light of my life."

"Dude," Zooble says.

"How else was she supposed to see that?" Pomni's voice rises in frustration. She's mostly mad at herself. "I told her that if she— I'm so stupid. I didn't even think— I shouldn't have brought it up when she was trying to tell me about—"

"Hey," Kinger says. It's the first time he's spoken up in a while. "Pomni, I think you're getting ahead of yourself."

"It sounds like it was kind of relevant," Zooble agrees.

Pomni chokes on a sob. "Fuck," she warbles. "I think I love her more than anything."

"Do you, um, need some space to process this?" Gangle asks. "We could go tell Caine what's going on."

"Oh, man, I just realized," Ragatha chuckles. "We were planning this one together. I should probably let him know we're gonna hold it off for today…?"

"Yeah, I," Pomni's buried her face in her hands again. She's overwhelmed, and she's starting to feel antsy about the way they're all crowding around her. "I can- can go to my room if you wanna take the commons—"

"No, it's fine," Zooble says. "You're out here for a reason. We'll give you some space to breathe."

Pomni sniffles. "Thanks, guys."

She lets them leave without another word, just trying to keep her breathing steady. She only decides to speak up when she feels the weight shift on the couch, as Kinger stands and prepares to follow them.

"Hey, actually," she says, "Kinger, can I— uh, can I talk to you? Just for a sec?"

"Of course," Kinger says, immediately sinking back down.

He waves goodbye to Ragatha as she steps out of sight, waiting patiently for the sound of their chatter to fade. Pomni sits up, still measuring her breaths. Kinger's not watching her, which helps a little with her anxiety around it.

"I'm going to assume this is about the obvious," Kinger says, with warmth.

"Yeah." Pomni swallows. She can't seem to get rid of the lump in her throat. "I know it's kind of— just my business, but I just… I don't know where to start with it."

"Have you not been with people before?" he asks.

Pomni shrugs, and starts to pick at the fabric of her shirt, just to have something to do with her hands. "I mean, I have," she says, "but not like this. It wasn't— I didn't feel like this. I kind of just stopped dating, like, a year after I got my own place. It felt like there were all these— ideas around it that didn't make sense to me. And- and people got weird about it, I guess. But Jax is just— she's different."

Kinger turns to watch her, attentive to the way erratic way she's moving. "I do think you could start by telling her what you want, when you think you're ready to talk about it," he says. "She might do better with you being more specific."

"That's the thing, though," Pomni rasps, desperate to make him understand what she's so scared of. "I didn't even— I knew I wanted something. I thought about us being more, all the time, but I never thought— in my head, it's been Jax's call this whole time. I thought I could stay friends, or, or whatever we were forever, and I'd still be happy, but now… I just don't know. And I don't know if she's ready."

"Sometimes you'll never be," Kinger soothes, "but it's better to say it anyway."

Pomni squeezes her eyes shut, and nods. She does know that. Jax had made it obvious she knew Pomni has been walking on eggshells around her, and it was a big reason for their fight in the first place. She's not sure where the middle ground should be just yet, between caution and honesty, especially when Jax seems so deathly afraid of being considered.

"You know," Kinger says, "I met my wife—my Destiny—when we were… both about Jax's age, actually. I think it was… really similar to how you're describing this, now."

"How so?" Pomni asks.

He shifts on the couch, staring wistfully into the distance. "Well, maybe not exactly," he says, "but it took a long time for her to warm up to me, even when we were just friends. I didn't push it, for longer than I probably should have. She was… a very focused person, back then. She was scared loving me was going to get in the way of her dreams, for a long time. She was so worried it'd ruin the good thing we'd had, even though that's never what I wanted out of it."

"Maybe that is kinda similar," Pomni comments.

"Yeah," Kinger chuckles. "I had to make peace with the fact that I wouldn't always get it, but it never hurt to try. She wasn't a very abrasive person, like Jax can be sometimes, but there was a lot she was scared to tell me. She felt like she was already taking so much by being where she was. In- in a more general sense, I don't mean just with me. She didn't want to take more, even when I wanted her to."

Pomni can feel her heartbeat calming. "How'd you… you know, deal with that?"

Kinger does that squinty-eyed thing he always does, when he's trying to make it obvious he's smiling.

"Well," he says, playfully. "I wooed the shit out of her."

Pomni snorts, surprised to hear him be that crude. It makes Kinger laugh too.

"I'm not kidding, it's—" he's still laughing, "—it's kind of embarrassing, looking back on it. I'd tried to be cautious, but once she realized I meant it, I was— I was meeting her father and calling him sir, and bringing her flowers, and opening doors for her. She hated that last thing, she thought I was just being chivalrous because I could, but. I- I wanted to show her I meant it, I really did. No matter how much anyone judged us, it didn't hurt to love her. She was never hard to love. Not my Destiny."

His face falls, and his shoulders slump as he lets out a sigh. He looks more aware than he's ever been.

"Never," he says. "Not even when she'd abstracted. I think I made her feel that way, and I regret that more than anything. Every time, that's always what I regret. Being scared to say something, to- to even think about things."

Pomni mulls it over. She thinks very hard about what she wants, and everything that comes to mind makes her realize that she doesn't want to keep it to herself anymore. If her caution makes her a liar in Jax's eyes, she can throw it to the wind. Jax knows she's loved, now. She's not scared Pomni's lying about that anymore, so Pomni doesn't have to keep pretending it doesn't go deeper, she only has to prove that Jax's pain will never change that. Pomni thinks she wants to woo the shit out of her.

"Thank you for talking to me about this," Pomni says.

She eases to her feet, squaring her shoulders. She wants to act while she still has the momentum. She can't lay here and wait for her to come back forever. She won't.

"I'm— seriously, thank you," she insists, already rushing towards the exit. "I'm gonna go and find her. I'm going to tell her everything."

She can hear the smile in Kinger's voice. "Go get your girl."

Pomni prowls the grounds like a wolfhound, and when she doesn't find her, she's sure to double-check. She's carried by nothing but grim determination. When she still can't find Jax there, she concedes, and storms her way up to Caine's office instead.

He's given them an actual staircase to it now, so they can enter and leave at will, including when they want to go to different areas from past adventures. The place is much more decorated than it was before, much less pristine. It looks worn and lived in, and it's starting to resemble a bedroom now. The others like to hang out there a lot more than she does, especially Gangle, so she isn't surprised.

Caine isn't there at the moment, but on her way through to get to the globes, a glint of light catches her eye, and she stops in place to look. The bowl of soup Jax had given him is still there, completely untouched. Caine's placed it on one of his shelves, with a bunch of other knickknacks that he's said are especially important to him.

It makes Pomni's throat tighten. She wonders if Jax saw it on her way here, if she came through here to escape. She wonders if Jax knows just how deeply she's beloved now, despite everything. She steels herself and keeps walking.

She only hesitates for a moment, because there's really only one place she can think of Jax going, if she came through here. She remembers how she'd stared at it before, and she remembers what she'd seen.

Pomni stops at the globe that leads to Snowy Summit. It's slightly out of place, like it's been nudged, and she knows what that means.

She reaches out, and brushes it with her fingers.

There's a flash of light. She closes her eyes, and then opens them, to the sight of a landscape bleached white and gold in the break of dawn, bathed in cathedrals of pristine frost.

Her breath billows like steam in front of her. She feels the cold, but it doesn't nip at her skin. It's not supposed to; she hadn't seen anyone in changed attire. Behind her is a building that resembles an old, worn down ski lodge. In front of her is the foot of a mountain, undeniably the one from the visions she'd seen.

There are no footprints in front of her, but Pomni knows she's been here. She has a pretty good idea of where she is. The only way to go is up.

She's not scared to scale the mountain in front of her, even when she finds herself exhausted, even when it feels so real that her calves burn, and even when she feels like she's going to collapse. She persists, regardless of everything. Snowfall clings to her hair and gloves. She doesn't brush it off, carried by nothing but her blind tenacity.

It's maybe a twenty minute walk. Pomni assumes this was the adventure at some point, although presumably with a little more peril involved.

She reaches the peak. It looks exactly like it had in Jax's mind, except for the difference in the time of day. There's a small log house in the distance, smoke rising from the chimney and dispersing in the hazy air. For some reason, that's the detail she remembers most vividly.

Jax sticks out like a sore thumb, visibly different from her old self, mermaid sitting in the place Ribbit had stood before. She barely twitches at the sound of Pomni's shoes crunching in the snow. Her ear twitches in her direction, and then back away again, towards the distance. Snow has collected on her hair, betraying that she's been sat in place for a long time.

She's sitting dangerously close to the edge of the cliff, and for one brief, terrifying moment, Pomni wonders if she's planning to jump. Even if she knows it won't do anything, and won't kill her, it'd still be such a dangerous act of self-harm. She has to shove that fear down, because she knows it comes from a place of distrust.

Confessions press at her throat, so many that she thinks anything that comes out of her mouth now would be incomprehensible. So she swallows them all down, even though she doesn't want to, and lets the fight drain out of her. She knows it'll come back when she needs it, and she probably will.

"What was the adventure here?" Pomni asks.

Jax doesn't turn around to look at her, but she shifts her head to the side. Pomni can't see her face through her long curtain of hair.

"Escort thing," she rasps. "It was like, this dumb cartoon plot. We had to help some NPC who wanted to go skiing, but he was scared to go back to his house. He was this stupid little thing, like a mouse or something. So we had to get him up back here, but he kept messing up and making everything go wrong. Or maybe it was just the mountain that wanted to kill him. I can't remember."

"That sounds awful."

"It wasn't that bad," Jax says. "Just kinda boring. Didn't have any of the oomph most of my favorites did." She fully turns back around, towards the skyline. "Considered just letting that idiot die, but everyone just felt bad for him, I guess, so we kept trucking. Honestly, I don't even know the logic of how he got down in the first place. Caine probably didn't think of it."

There's a light breeze picking up. Pomni feels the fabric of her clothes rustle. It feels more like standing in an early autumn afternoon than being stuck in the tundra, at the highest point of a snow capped mountain.

"It was two years ago," Jax's voice is soft. Her hair flutters in the wind, dislodging the unblemished layer of snow. "Gangle said she came in 2015. I never asked. Isn't that weird? I just never thought to. Time didn't even matter to me anymore. Nothing did. She was gone. It stopped mattering after I ran from home, too. I don't even know how old I was."

"I don't know what coming here even does," Pomni says, bluntly. "I don't know what you think you're going to accomplish by doing this."

Jax doesn't answer her. She stares out into the horizon. The environment looks more real than it had in her mind, more tangible. Pomni would find it beautiful in any other situation, but considering the mood, it doesn't mean much to her.

"Jax," Pomni says.

"You should go back down," Jax says. "It's cold."

"No it's not," Pomni snaps back. "You're only feeling it because you want to."

She doesn't argue with her like she wants. "Guess I am."

Pomni swallows. Her hands curl into fists, and she finds herself missing the sensation of her nails biting into her palms. Frustration coils in her chest, until it's bubbling out through her throat in the form of a small, wounded sound. It makes Jax twitch.

"I don't know why you're doing this," Pomni snarls. "Okay, actually, I-I— I know exactly why you're doing this. But I don't know why you- why you want this. I know you don't like this more than what we had. I just— I can't imagine—"

Her breaths pick up, into big, heaving gasps. She does what she's always wanted, for weeks and weeks, and she lets it all pour out of her.

"When I told you I loved you," her voice goes tense and ragged, "do you think I was lying to you? Do I act like the kind of person who'd lie to you about something like that?! Do you think it meant so little that I'd just— go and give up because you're hurting? Because I'm not like that. There's— you're the only person that I've said this to in here, because that means— it means everything to me. And I know— I know it's hard, I know you're scared. And- and maybe I didn't trust you to take anything from it when I said it the first time, but I meant it, I really did. I didn't even know I could—"

Tears fall before she can stop them. She doesn't care anymore.

"I said it because- because you're the best thing that's ever happened to me," Pomni forces out, through her tears. "There was nothing out there for me. I wasn't close to my friends, I hated trying to date, my family sucked in the most— mundane way they could, my job was so— nothing. I just thought I was gonna live going through the motions until I died. And when I came here— God, I thought it was just gonna be the same. The same thing but worse, because I couldn't control the little I still had. And I'd never be free, never. But then you started talking to me."

Jax's ears begin to droop backwards. She still doesn't turn to face her, and Pomni's anger twists into something uglier, more desperate. Coward, she thinks, before she can stop herself. What could possibly be so terrifying about being strong?

"And with you, there was something. You opened up my whole world. And it finally was just. Something, everything," she insists, curling a hand into the fabric of her shirt, right over where her heart should be.

She's still panting, and she feels dizzy, but she thinks if she doesn't open up about this while she has the momentum, she'll just go and die. She has to, she has to.

"I don't know what kind of person you think you are. I don't even know what kind of person you think I think you are. But you're probably wrong, because you're- you're everything to me. I was so scared to say it because I didn't want to— I didn't want to hurt you. Because I know why you weren't ready, I get it. But I need you, I really, really do. When I said I'd abstract if you did, it wasn't supposed to be a threat. I just know it'd happen. I need you. I need you."

Jax is trembling. Pomni knows it isn't the cold, no matter what she's said.

"I need you," she repeats, weaker, more unsure. "Please."

Jax curls into herself, hanging her head. She still doesn't turn to face her, and Pomni isn't surprised to hear her sob. She doesn't budge, or drop her resolve, because she knows it was an inevitability. She can't swallow her own tears, and she doesn't even try.

When Jax finally responds, and breaks the silence that's come between them, it's in the form of a single, one word question.

"Me?"

Her voice is shredded. The word breaks off into another sob, quickly stifled. Pomni rocks back on her heels, unsure if it's the right time to approach, even though she wants to. Her fists are clenching and unclenching in the effort to restrain herself.

"You," Pomni says, completely faithful, even as her voice wavers. "And I mean that. I'm not gonna take it back. You."

Finally, Jax turns to look at her. There's pure devastation written on her face, disbelief and what almost looks like empathetic sorrow. The idea of Jax not even understanding that Pomni's in love with her is so absurd that she could laugh. After everything they've been through, after everything?

She'd been so sure she'd understood the depths of Jax's issues, that she'd seen it all. But maybe she hasn't even scratched the surface. She's seen through Jax's eyes, but she can't think her thoughts. She'll never know, she can only try to understand.

Jax's chest hitches. She presses her eyes shut, and sniffles.

"I'm not going to abstract," she warbles.

"I'm gonna be honest with you," Pomni claps back, more desperate than angry, "that's not what I want. That's the bare minimum."

"Pom, I—"

"You taught me that, that there's more," Pomni talks right over her, before she can hear any more self-deprecating shit come out of her mouth. "There's more than just— surviving because it's the right thing to do. I don't want you to die, but I-I— I don't want you to be alive and be nothing, either. I want you to- to, I just—"

The look on Jax's face is so defenseless. It's the most unguarded Pomni's ever seen her while she's in her right mind, in all the time she's ever known her. She's scared to feel so powerful in that moment, but she doesn't want to take it back.

There's never been any going back. She doesn't even think that's what pulling Jax out of her abstraction was, all that time ago. Not in all the ways it changed everything, for everyone.

"I want you to be with me," Pomni finally confesses, resolute. "That's what I want."

Jax stares at her for a long time, unable to process her words. Pomni can't tell what she's thinking, but she doesn't think the look on her face is fear or disgust.

"I'm gonna sit next to you," Pomni says, because she knows Jax doesn't like questions.

Jax doesn't tell her to stop. The snow crunches under Pomni's shoes, and she sinks down next to her, to watch the scenery that she's seen over and over, in her most unpleasant dreams. It's hard to think about how Jax has probably seen it twice as much, likely in worse ways.

Jax hugs her knees. She hides her face behind her unkempt bangs. She stares back out into the distance, and her shaking finally starts to abate. The shivering always gets so bad when she's upset, and everyone's noticed it. It's usually her greatest tell that's something's wrong, and it's always worried Pomni so much. It's like she's always cold.

"I killed her here," Jax mumbles.

Pomni doesn't try to argue with her. It wouldn't make a difference, even if she disagreed with the idea.

"I guess I— I can't stop thinking about it," she says. "I thought it was over, but it's still… every time I think I'm happy… I remember being here. I remember what I did. And I keep looking at everything, and I just. I keep thinking, I shouldn't be— with any of them, with you. It's like nobody believes me, that I'm- I'm—"

She pauses, frustrated with herself. Pomni watches her, trying to look more wary and concerned than overly intent, even though deep down she kind of hates herself for her morbid curiosity; although it comes from a place of love, a selfish, ravenous desire to know everything.

"It's hard to even— I don't even like the idea that I deserve to be alive," she admits. "I'm not gonna abstract, even if I-I— even if I want to. But living, it's— I feel like time keeps— it keeps passing. I hate waking up every morning. Everyone's moving on and I keep pulling them back. And all I wanted to do was move on before, and I can't now. I'm not— I don't want to be a bad person, I just am— I deserve this, I—"

"Jax," Pomni says, imploringly.

"I don't want to hurt you," she says. For some reason, it feels like a confession, and it makes Pomni perk up. "I don't wanna hurt anyone anymore. I know I don't even— I know I don't have to, that's dumb. I should've known it's dumb. But I think it's just gonna happen anyway. Because there's something wrong with me. I'm gonna make everything worse." She chokes on another sob. "I'm gonna make it worse."

"They love you," Pomni insists, wringing her hands. "Maybe not like I do. But just as much, I think. When you're— when you're not trying to hurt us, the worst thing you do is make us… I don't know, worry. But that's not really your fault."

She's trying to choose her words carefully, unsure if what she's saying is even helpful. There's still a distressed part of her that wants to scream, over and over again, I love you, I love you, I want to spend my whole life with you, don't you get that? But it's probably not going to help the situation at all right now. She can do that later.

"We worried when you hurt us, too," she continues. "But especially now, I think. Even if you think it's dumb, or undeserved, it's not gonna stop us. And it's not gonna hurt us in the way you're scared it will."

Jax's breath rattles with a sob. "I don't want you to stop," she admits. "That's— God. I want shit to change and people to care and then I can't even handle it, I'm—"

She stutters to a stop, unwinding herself from her curled up position and wiping at her eyes. Pomni scoots away to give her space, watching her debate with herself over saying something.

"I, um," Jax starts. "I know I don't talk about it a bunch, but… when I-I— when I came out, to everyone, and I asked for all those changes to my model, you know, I really just thought… like, that this was gonna be it. This was the thing that was gonna make me happy. It was gonna fix everything."

"Are you not happy?" Pomni asks. She winces at the question, but Jax doesn't seem to notice, too lost in her own head.

"It's what I had to do," Jax sighs. "Y'know, no more lying to myself. I'm literally like, in a world where I can do whatever. But I still feel like I am lying to myself, because I feel like— what if nobody believes me, and they're just. What if they're just entertaining this stupid delusion of mine?"

She balls her hands into fists, and then unclenches them. Pomni eases herself back over, sinking into her side, and Jax seems to relax at the contact, even if she doesn't reciprocate.

"When I was— before I ever came here," her voice lowers, "when I realized the first time, it wasn't like. A happy thing for me to realize. 'Cause I know what that meant. And— and when I tried to tell my mom, I, um— that made me realize I was right to be scared the whole time, I guess. It felt like a death sentence. And now that it's just— normal, and I'm actually… I actually feel like myself, it's—" a laugh rises out of her chest, high and nervous. "I think there's just— something else wrong with me!"

"I don't think anything's wrong with you," Pomni says. She places a hand on her scarred forearm, and it makes her jump, but she doesn't flinch away. "I think something's wrong, which is different, but I don't think that means that you have— I don't know. A rotten soul, or something."

Jax stares at her for a while.

"I'm gonna keep hurting you," she says, numbly.

Pomni narrows her eyes. "That's not—"

"Are you gonna keep lying to me about it?"

"I'm not—" Pomni hisses, and then catches herself before she blows up at her again. "Give me a second."

Jax does, without question. It's progress.

"I'm not trying to lie," Pomni ends up saying. "When you tell me these- these really important things about your life, I feel bad because I hate that I can't do anything about it. It's not a problem I can fix, because it's already over. And I don't want to make it about how mad that makes me. I'm not trying to be mean when I say this, but I don't know what you want me to do? It's not about me, I don't wanna make it about me because I love you."

Jax has the decency to look ashamed.

"Sorry," she says, uncharacteristically shy. "I don't know either."

Pomni sighs. "That's okay," she concedes.

Jax leans against her, instead of the other way around. She's fluffy and warm, and it makes Pomni smile against her fur. Daringly, she loops an arm around her waist, and Jax doesn't protest. It feels like a win, even though she's done it a million times before. Which probably wasn't normal from the start, but she's never really cared about those parameters before. She'll try to be a little more conscious about them now, for several reasons.

"Are you in love with me?" Pomni asks.

Jax's trembling stops. She goes still. Her silence says everything she can't. Pomni probably already knew the answer, but she needed the confirmation.

"How long did you know?"

"I dunno," she whispers, her voice held together by a delicate web of shame. "It just happened."

"Yeah," Pomni says. "Same."

Jax nuzzles her hat in lieu of a response. It pulls a giggle out of her.

"I didn't say anything for a long time because I didn't realize," Pomni ends up saying. Even though she isn't being challenged, she feels the need to defend herself. "I'm not gonna act like I didn't think about it, but it was always a- a what-if, and I didn't know how you felt. I didn't even notice that I was. You know?"

Jax shifts her weight a little. The shaking picks up a little again, but it's not as bad as before. It doesn't surprise Pomni how nervous she is, it just sucks in other ways.

"Did you think I didn't love you back?" Pomni asks. It's the impression she's starting to get, at least by the way she's been reacting to every confession she gives.

"Didn't matter to me," Jax mumbles. "Every time I wanted to say something, I felt like a- a weird creep, I guess. I didn't wanna make all the cuddling awkward."

"It wouldn't have been awkward," Pomni says. "Even if I didn't like you like that, I wouldn't have stopped."

Jax snorts. "Right, yeah," she says. "I forgot you're weird."

Pomni decides to take pride in it. "The weirdest."

Jax turns and wraps her arms around her, instead of staying in the awkward side hug they were in before. Pomni's other arm loops around her waist so she can pull her closer. Her face is pressed right into her fluffy chest. It makes Pomni come to some very sudden, startling realizations about her own personal preferences. She has to shelve that away for later, for the sake of her own sanity.

"I seriously thought you hated hugging," Jax mumbles. "I always noticed the way you got weird about it."

"It's easier now that you're soft," Pomni admits. "I wasn't lying about you giving good hugs. I always hated hugging my family, but I'd cuddle with my dog for hours."

"That so, huh. I a glorified dog to you?"

"Noooo," Pomni laughs. She pulls away to meet her eyes, and instantly feels bereft. "I meant, I wouldn't even mind sharing a bed again, like— when I first pulled you out. You know, if you wanted to."

Jax's face reddens. She ducks her head nervously.

"I, um. Maybe later," she stammers.

Pomni's smiling so hard her cheeks hurt. She's gonna woo the shit out of this girl. "No pressure…"

Jax twirls a lock of hair in her finger and tugs on it gently. She seems to realize where she is all at once, and the reserved hope on her face melts back into grief. Pomni's shoulders slump at the unease that settles over them.

"I don't wanna keep talking about this," Jax whispers. "Not here."

"That's okay," Pomni says.

Jax nods sharply. "Can we just go home?"

Pomni feels like her heart is going to burst out of her chest. It's in a good way, this time.

"Yeah," she says. "Of course."

 It's hard to think about how Jax hasn't been in her room for over two days, now. She'd spent last night curled up in the snow, and the night before that in a dark, empty tomb instead of in the comforting cradle of her canopy. She looks exhausted when she finally drops down onto her cushions, stretching while laid down like a lazy cat.

"I don't know how you get your body to make that shape," Pomni comments.

"It's cartoons," Jax yawns, situating herself into a half-sit. "Man, I haven't slept in forever. Can't wait for that."

"Hey, the day's still young," Pomni says, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking back at her. She's still a little unsure about how Jax is handling everything, so she's playing it safe at the moment. "At least hang out for a bit? Everyone was really worried about you. We cancelled today's adventure and everything."

"Just kill me already," is Jax's response, predictably. It's a more acceptable joke than I'm going to kill myself, so Pomni doesn't respond to it with anything more than a roll of her eyes.

"Hey, you're the one who wanted me to tell you how we felt," Pomni keeps her tone lighthearted, scooting a little closer to swing her legs over the mattress.

"Mhm, guess I am," Jax mumbles. "Get over here."

"So we're cuddling now?"

Jax glares at her until she giggles and drops down next to her. She still looks worn down and exhausted, but content. Pomni slings an arm around her shoulders, grateful for how being mostly laid down seems to halve their height difference. She savors the way Jax's eyes soften in carefully forged trust.

"I missed you," Pomni whispers.

"I really wasn't gone that long," Jax's voice drops to match her volume.

"Yeah, but I see you every day," Pomni argues. "Every second of every day. I usually don't get up in the morning until you do."

"Why'sat?"

"My answer's gonna be really gay," Pomni warns her.

"Oh noooo," Jax replies, flatly, not worried at all.

It makes Pomni laugh. She always does.

"I just like watching you wake up," Pomni admits. "I can see your figure through the curtains. You always stretch in this like… really specific way. I dunno, I guess I focused on it."

"Oh, dude," Jax breathes. "That is really gay."

"Yeah, exactly," Pomni laughs. "But we're probably past that point by now."

"Are you saying I'm seducing you? Is that what you're saying?" There's an undertone of hurt in Jax's voice, like she thinks Pomni's lying, and she picks up on it immediately. "With this stupid body?"

Pomni doesn't back down. "Guess I am," she whispers, leaning in a little. She reaches out to cup Jax's face, her scarred side, and she feels a little thrill of excitement when she doesn't pull away. She just watches her with flustered awe.

"Come on," Jax laughs, high and nervous, like she's still struggling to believe her.

"I really don't think you're stupid looking," Pomni says. "I think you're beautiful."

Jax's eyelids flutter. She leans into her touch, never shifting her gaze. Her brows scrunch together, and her hands twitch at her side, but she stays in her palm obediently. Pomni's thumb brushes over her mouth, the touch light and near unnoticeable. It feels like a brave and stupid thing to do, considering how flighty Jax has been lately, but she doesn't dream of pulling away.

Instead of freaking out, Jax snorts. It's not mocking.

"Jeez," she laughs, her shoulders shaking. "This is getting really— you know."

Pomni's face splits into a cheeky smile. She leans forward, close enough that her breath ghosts Jax's face, delighting in the way her expression shifts. "Is it?"

Jax swallows. "I," she starts, and then stops. Her hair brushes over her shoulders as she cranes her neck back.

Her stare flickers down to Pomni's mouth, and then back to her eyes.

"I, uh…"

"Tell me to stop," Pomni says, because she knows Jax doesn't like questions.

Jax trembles, but she doesn't move. She leans forward again, her breath hitching in her chest. Not a word comes out of her mouth, like she's waiting for Pomni to take the lead. Pomni can feel her own heartbeat. She's overcome with a sudden, dizzying wave of confidence.

She trembles with the effort to keep herself patient, as she leans forward, and meets Jax's mouth with her own. It's chaste, mostly because she's not really interested in trying to open her mouth and only feel teeth, but she lingers there patiently.

Jax twitches. A trembling little sound escapes her that has heat coiling in Pomni's stomach. Jax tilts into it so the position isn't awkward, and then opens her mouth first. Pomni pushes closer, breathing hard, unsurprised to feel that her teeth are sharp. She reaches out and laces her arms around Jax's neck to ease her forward.

When Pomni pulls away, she searches Jax's face for any panic, and doesn't find it. There's a fragile look on her face, like any wrong word would send her bolting, but she's breathing slow and careful, staring at her in wonder.

"Good?" Pomni asks.

"Yeah," Jax breathes.

"Okay." Pomni can still feel herself shaking. "I'm gonna do it again."

She cups Jax's face with both hands, and leans forward to kiss her again. Jax slots into it without hesitation, more emboldened as she pulls Pomni against her. Her arms curl around her torso, and her fists curl into the back of her shirt. She's shaking too, in a way that's arguably worse, but it's most likely just nerves.

Pomni pulls away, wiping at her mouth. She's grinning so hard that her cheeks hurt.

Jax's tail is wagging. For some reason, it feels very important to focus on.

"I love you," Pomni says. It's only gotten easier and easier over time.

"Did I…" Jax starts, and then stops. She hunches over to hug herself, dipping her head. Her bangs fall in her face, like she's trying to hide from her. "Did I do that right?"

Pomni blinks. "Have you never done this before?"

Jax's brows furrow. She looks like she's about to consider lying, and then contends with it. She shakes her head, pauses for a moment, and then nods sharply. Her chin wobbles as she does it, like she's holding back the urge to cry.

"Not a," she stops, and then laughs breathily, "not a good memory. Sorry. Shit."

Pomni crawls over to sit next to her instead of in front of her, as Jax wipes her tears away with her palms and sniffles. Her ears flatten as she stares out towards the wall.

"It wasn't that bad," Jax says. "Like— okay. I shouldn't have said it like that. I wasn't— you know. It's not whatever you're probably thinking of, I- I- I— I don't mean it like that."

"I wasn't gonna assume," Pomni says, even though Jax's frantic attempts to downplay whatever it is aren't making her feel reassured. Especially since Jax had admitted that she'd come into the circus so young. "Or push you to talk about it."

"It's like, a non-experience," Jax laughs, rubbing the back of her neck. "Just something dumb that happened in middle school. Like there was this girl, that," she starts to wring her hands on her lap, "I don't think she got that— it's stupid. Like she kind of ambushed me? She didn't go any further than— you know. Like, maybe she thought I'd like it just 'cause she thought I was a boy."

Pomni lays on her side and props herself up with one arm. Jax leans back against the pillows to stare up at the ceiling, like she's subconsciously mimicking her behavior. It seems to relieve some of the tension.

"She told me it was a dare," Jax's voice trembles. "Y'know, because I wasn't— the kinda kid that girls liked. Or anyone. I didn't really… do that. And I- I was so shocked I just. Cried. In front of her. And they all laughed at me."

"I'm sorry," Pomni whispers.

"Ugh." Jax reaches up to cover her face with her hands. "It's embarrassing. But it's not even her, it was like. The way everyone else acted, I guess. I was so freaked out I went to my dad and he treated me like I was being a pussy. And my friends were—" she stops in her tracks, her arms slowly falling back down to her sides. Her pupils shrink and she goes very, very still for a moment.

Dread crawls its way down Pomni's spine. Whatever baggage Jax is trying to talk about, it's uncharted territory for her. She's always been dismissive about her childhood, and even more evasive about the bubble outside of her home life. It's always struck her as odd, considering highschool was pretty much all of her life before everything with her mom, and homelessness, and ending up here.

"Sorry," Jax grinds out. "I don't know why I'm talking about this. I'm just ruining—"

"Hey, it's fine," Pomni cuts off that line of thought before it can fester. "I like learning about you. Just as much as I liked that."

"Feels like that's a lot less romantic," Jax quips, turning to face her.

Pomni isn't even deterred. "I think we've kinda been at that point for a while," she says. She can't even pinpoint the moment where their relationship had become… whatever it is now. Maybe the moment they moved in together. "This feels new, though."

"What, my weird trojan horse of trauma?"

Pomni cups Jax's face again, her unscarred side. She can't help but smile, just at her lighthearted tone, at how unafraid she is to open up to her.

Jax hiccups as she tries to keep her composure. "You're so corny," she warbles.

Pomni leans in to kiss her again, just a quick peck on the mouth to show that she loves her, she doesn't regret it. Jax pushes her face forward to let it linger, grabbing onto her and holding her for dear life. The kiss tastes salty with tears.

Even as they pull away, her arms remain there. Pomni presses their foreheads together, smiling into her hair.

 "Feels like the part where you're supposed to talk about yourself," Jax mumbles.

"What, about school for me?" Pomni asks. "I don't know, it's not like it wasn't interesting, it's just like… none of the interesting stuff really happened to me. I mostly just kind of sat in the back of class and worked."

"Nerd."

"I got mostly Bs," Pomni chuckles. "So not really. It's not like it didn't give me nightmares, but they were all about… missing projects, mostly. Stuff like that."

"Oh my God," Jax snorts. "I never told anyone about this, but for weeks in the circus I'd wake up and forget I wasn't supposed to go to school. I wouldn't remember I wasn't at home until I'd open my eyes."

"That's kind of depressing," Pomni says. She moves to start stroking Jax's hair, relishing in the relaxed sigh that whooshes out of her. It's so easy to make her melt. "But I was kinda the same after I graduated, so I get it."

Jax blinks slowly at her, relaxed. "My friends sucked," she whispers, like it's a horrible admission she's making.

Pomni hums. "Same," she says.

"I-I think— when I said there was more, earlier," her voice is trembling, "I kinda meant this. But I don't think I wanna… talk about all of it yet, I guess. It's— I feel like it'd ruin… this."

"How?" Pomni asks. She's pretty sure she's seen the absolute worst of Jax's choices, and it hasn't changed much. Obviously the totality of it has always been upsetting, but she's never seem her as irredemable. Letting her be would have been giving her what she wanted. "If you did something bad—"

Jax closes her eyes. "No," she croaks. "I just… I don't want you to feel scared to touch me."

A cold chill slices through her. Pomni sits up, quickly, dislodging Jax's hold on her.

Jax winces, but she doesn't sit up with her, just stares up at her in reserved shame. Pomni realizes she must look horrified, and she wants to hit herself for having such an intense reaction. She knows that's not the best way to act about this subject, from prior experience.

"It doesn't have to change anything," Pomni's voice wavers. "Not if- if you don't—"

"Ugh, you're overthinking it," Jax grinds out, but she's shaking again. "It's not— it wasn't anything more than just, jokes. I was the one who couldn't take a joke. I'm not saying that anyone— I shouldn't have said anything. Sorry."

Pomni wants to shake her furiously until she opens up about it, but she doesn't. She takes a deep breath, trying to emotionally steady herself. Jax looks apprehensive, and then relieved when Pomni reaches out again, to splay a hand out on her back.

"I straight up think all my friends thought I was gay and in denial," Jax mumbles, inspirited by her comfort. "Which I guess was true? But like, in the opposite direction."

Pomni huffs out a laugh, even though it's not all that funny. It's probably the only time Jax has called herself gay, which does kind of feel like proof of something — the right to openly assert herself as a girl, at the very least.

"Just made it hard to… be around people," she continues. "'Cause all the guys thought I was a weird creep, and being around other girls made me feel like a weird creep. It's just kinda how everyone treated me. So they thought it was okay to. I dunno, be weird. With the- the threats and the poking and— yeah."

"I'm sorry," Pomni breathes. She understands that anxiety very well. It was the kind of fear that always had her keeping her head down at work, and being reluctant to open up to everyone who was friendly to her.

"Eh, it's whatever." Jax's voice doesn't make it sound like it's whatever, but Pomni decides not to say anything about it. She's already pushed so much today. "Honestly the worst thing was that nobody believed me, even when it stressed me the hell out. Used to get so freaked out I'd make myself sick, which was kinda cringe."

"I believe you."

"I mean, yeah. Why would I lie about something as dumb as this?" Jax laughs. "I'm not a kid trying to get out of school anymore. Jeez, Pom, lay back down, you look like you're gonna have an aneurysm. I'm not gonna keep talking about it, I hit my quota."

"Yeah. Okay." She settles back down, snuggling up against her. "Can I kiss you again, or would that be weird? Like, considering the topic."

Jax narrows her eyes at her.

Pomni remembers she doesn't like questions, and rephrases. "I'm gonna kiss you again. Tell me if you don't want it."

"I do," Jax grumbles.

Pomni giggles, and leans back in, locking their mouths together again. She thinks she could get used to this.

Pomni spends days over the moon. She's laughing clearer and brighter. She's more sociable than ever before, energized by everything that's happened. Jax gently pokes fun at how gushy and sappy she's gotten lately, but she can't really help it. This is something she may have wanted for a long time, maybe even before Jax's abstraction. It feels right.

Nobody mentions their fight, or congratulates them on the shift in their relationship, and that's something collectively decided for Jax's sake. They do treat them differently though, in a small, imperceptible way, and always give them space to be together when they can. Pomni appreciates it.

It'd been the same after Jax had first came out, because Jax is pretty clearly terrified of being perceived, even for her more positive traits. Pomni had once pointed out she always smiled when they handed her food, and she'd flinched like she was being made fun of, and then every single time after, she'd watched her visibly fight that reflex back.

She's been getting better about it, though. Despite the change in their relationship, she's not so clingy to Pomni anymore. She's getting better at talking to them without Pomni pushing her to, and that's something she'd been pretty insistent on earlier. It's a step in the right direction. She even catches Zooble leaving her and Pomni's room at one point, and she's never seen Jax invite anyone into her space before.

What shocks her the most, however, is when she learns about a talk she'd had with Ragatha.

It's not even Jax that tells her about it. Ragatha invites her up to the café, completely on her own. She doesn't even say what she wants to talk to Pomni about, but Pomni can tell she wants to open up about something. She lets them lapse into small talk without being pushy, because she's gotten pretty good at that. Either they'll talk about it, or they won't.

Ragatha eventually opens with, "I noticed Jax doesn't come up here, anymore."

Pomni nods. She stares down at the cocoa she's gotten. It's the one she saw Jax with in her mind, and the one she remembered her having the one time they'd been here in a group together. Sometimes she drinks it just to feel a little closer to her, even though it doesn't really make sense.

"Yeah," Pomni says. "I get her food from here all the time, but she's never come with me. I guess it's just… connected to some bad memories."

"I'm really worried about how she's gonna feel about the aquarium," Ragatha mumbles. "I- I know it's just… hard, to be around things that remind her of Ribbit. It's hard for me too, I guess. I mean, I don't know how much you saw, but—"

"Everything that mattered," Pomni says. "I don't know, I don't know how much you know, so I don't— want to risk it, I guess. I'm hoping she'll talk about it when she's ready."

"She's really getting better about it," Ragatha breathes. She stares down at her drink with furrowed brows, wringing her mitts nervously. "Can I be— kind of a bad friend here for a second?"

"To me or to Jax?" Pomni asks.

"To Jax," Ragatha says, running a hand through her hair. "I know she doesn't like it when… when we talk about her. I really try not to, especially when it's more personal stuff… We just— had a talk, a while ago. I didn't even mean to— ugh."

Pomni knows she should probably shut her down, but she's too nosy to really care. She'll keep her mouth shut if it's something especially bad she shouldn't know about, at least. "You can tell me. I can keep a secret."

Ragatha nods sharply. She looks a little like she's about to cry. Pomni guesses it's about the prospect of breaking Jax's delicate trust, more than it is about their discussion itself. But maybe a little cruelly, she does think that Jax's boundaries shouldn't bar something like this, not when it's a necessary component of most relationships. She never would have confessed to her at all, had she not spoken to Kinger about her.

"I guess I'm just… still struggling to process some stuff," Ragatha admits. "I'm— worried about her? And a little angry, I think? Which I know is wrong, I probably shouldn't be angry at her, because I get it, but—"

"Hey," Pomni says. She places one of her hands over Ragatha's, and squeezes reassuringly. "Start from the beginning?"

Ragatha sighs. "Right," she says. "Yeah. Sorry."

She pulls away to take another shaky sip of her drink. Pomni leans back in her chair, waiting patiently as Ragatha thinks things over.

"Do you…" Ragatha's face twists up, like she's thinking about something unpleasant. "Has she… told you about her mom?"

Pomni blinks. "Yeah," she says. "More like I saw it, and then she started talking to me about it, but… she pretty much did."

"H- she's kind of been hinting at it for a while," Ragatha's says, her voice wobbling. "Like, I knew something was up with it. She told us about being homeless, about- not having a good home life, stuff like that. It's always in these little doses, and that was— yeah, I guess it made me mad sometimes, but that was fine! She's been like that for years. But- but now that I know, I—"

Her shoulders slump. She breathes out sharply through her nose, leaning back and trying to reign her anger in. Pomni doesn't understand why Ragatha's so convinced she'd judge her for it. She never has.

"I hate thinking about it," Ragatha sighs. "I hate how much I hated her. I hate thinking about- about everything that's happened to her, and how she just started acting like that and I didn't try—"

"Ragatha, no," Pomni breathes. This is a conversation they've had before, but she's not afraid to go through it again. "You can still, like, feel things about how she was. You tell Gangle that all the time, right? It's the same for you."

"Yeah, I was just… that's how I've been feeling," Ragatha says, "but now I'm kind of mad she never told me, and maybe that's worse. This whole time— I didn't talk about everything for so long, because I just— nobody ever asked, I didn't think anyone would want to hear it, and I thought, maybe it's not that bad, maybe I'm making up how bad it was? When for years she was here, and she just— I don't know why she didn't trust me."

Pomni doesn't know what to say. She sits there and lets Ragatha process it for a while.

"I mean, I guess I do," Ragatha laughs. "She's told me why. It's the same reason I didn't trust her. You know, she doesn't anymore, but she kind of… she acted like my mom, sometimes."

"Ragatha…" Pomni whispers.

"I feel so gross saying that," Ragatha laughs. "Even though she said that to me! It's so messed up."

"I mean— maybe," Pomni starts, and then realizes she's in over her head. There's years of history there she just didn't witness, and it is kind of Ragatha and Jax's baggage, not her's. Maybe it's better to be a listening ear. "I'm not gonna judge you for that."

"I just needed to say it out loud," Ragatha admits, relaxing a little. "Jax— she's never opened up to me about it before. I didn't want to let her know I was kind of pissed off. She was… trying to be funny about it, but I could tell she was really scared."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Pomni says. "You can be mad, you know?"

"I know," Ragatha hugs herself defensively. She doesn't look reassured. "I just can't help but feel like I'm mad for all the wrong reasons? I-I think if she had the choice, she'd want me to really hurt her, and I think it's- it's just worse than if she was angry all the time. I didn't even realize that was… easier."

It infuriated Pomni, personally, but she doesn't think it'd be helpful to bring up. She's always found it easier to deal with Jax when she's shy and unsure, because at least then she's usually receptive. When she was brutal and distrustful, Pomni kind of wanted to rip her apart like a wild animal sometimes. She loves her girl in every mood she's in, but sometimes— God.

"I get it," she says, even though she really doesn't.

"It's just hard," Ragatha mumbles. "I don't really know if I'm asking for your advice or anything, sorry. I mean— you're kind of the Jax whisperer, so you felt like the best person to talk to about it?"

Pomni laughs out loud.

"Oh my God," she cackles, "I'm really not!"

"No, seriously!" Ragatha laughs back. "She acts like a puppy around you, I don't know how you do it!"

"She really doesn't!" Pomni insists.

Ragatha snort-laughs, and leans back and wipes tears out of her eye. "I actually used to be jealous of you guys," she admits, and Pomni's proud to hear her admit it so easily. "And I used to think I was jealous of Jax, but it was kind of both of you, I guess. I did see the real Jax, sometimes, and she was— I just missed her a lot."

"Mhm?" Pomni hides her smile behind the rim of her mug. Ragatha definitely doesn't mean it in the way Pomni immediately thinks she does, but she is very into the idea of cornering the loveliest girl on the market.

"I think you're one of the best things that's ever happened to her," Ragatha says, brushing her hair back, like she's trying to tuck it behind her nonexistent ear.

"I think so too." Pomni doesn't even hesitate when she says it.

"I'm really glad you came here, in a lot of ways," Ragatha's voice gentles. "Thanks for listening to me. Sorry I'm so— yeah. I probably would've talked to Kinger, but this is—"

"I get it," Pomni says, meaning it this time. "It's— I don't really have much good advice. I'm gonna guess talking to Jax is different for me than you guys? Except for maybe with Zooble, actually. They're getting really close, but…"

She takes a moment to think about it, going through their past few months of conversation. Ragatha looks calmer than she did when they'd come here, which is already a victory in Pomni's mind, but she still does want to help in some capacity.

"That argument we had… a bit ago," she says, "a lot of it was about— she didn't think I was being honest, I guess? I really didn't want to make it super obvious she was… upsetting me, when she told me stuff. Because she was, even if she didn't mean to. I care about her a lot, I don't want her to think she's burdening me. I want to be there for her, even if it hurt sometimes."

"Yeah…" Ragatha sounds sad.

"I think she still just registered it as lying," Pomni says. "Because, I guess I was. Sometimes I get mad at her too, that she doesn't trust me enough to tell me stuff about herself—" like her name, "—even if I get it. I don't want to put it on her all the time, because I didn't want to make her feel bad. But when we actually talked about it, I think it was more like… I think she wanted her only option to be not to talk about it at all."

"Oh," Ragatha breathes. "Yeah, I get that."

"I think it's just about being honest." Pomni stares down at her empty mug. "It's kind of hard to find a balance, and I'm still working on it, because I don't even think she knows either. She's just… a really sensitive person."

Ragatha snorts. "You know, if you told me that a few months ago, I wouldn't have believed it."

"She has a lot of reasons to be worried," Pomni chuckles. "But I think it's mostly about the fear of us lying, that's what she's so scared of. I do think you should tell her that you're a little mad, or at least— try to hash it out with her, if it's bad enough. Or, I guess if you think it's not reasonable, you don't have to—? I don't know, is my advice making sense?"

"It's making sense," Ragatha reassures her, rubbing the back of her neck. It's a habit Pomni thinks she's picked up from Kinger, which is really endearing. "I should probably be more honest anyway. I'm getting there, I swear."

"And hey," Pomni says. "I think it's good that you two have stuff to talk about. Maybe— even if you couldn't talk about it before, it's good that you can talk about it now."

"You're- you're right." Ragatha nods, with a tearful smile. "At least there's still time."

Things are generally just better now, in every regard, but their methodology for creating a better experience in the circus has been to tweak things as they go. They can request a bunch of little changes in a circle, and then if it doesn't work out, they can ask to go back on some of them in the next. They're doing one today; Caine's been very enthusiastic to make things better, especially because a lot of their choices have been inherently good for him, too. He's really become a part of the troupe lately.

"I think we should figure out a way to get consistent internet access," Zooble says. They've mostly been the one piloting the discussion today, so far. "I know we usually only check our profiles as an… event, but it'd kinda be nice to be able to do it on my own, sometimes. Might also be nice if we're not just trapped in the circus specifically, but maybe that'd be pushing it."

Caine nods thoughtfully, tapping his head with his pencil. "I'm not really sure about the logistics of that," he admits. "I have to go out into the void to get stuff."

"I mean, could we not do that?" Gangle asks. "Kinger kinda said we could do anything you could. I- I don't really know how it works."

"Maybe?" Caine shrugs, like he doesn't know either.

"There's a lot Kinger could do with just a computer," Pomni pipes up. "So maybe we could conjure something like that? I'm not as good at it as him, but… you know."

"We'll figure it out. I'll do my best," Caine says, visibly proud of himself as he writes it down. "Do any of you have other suggestions?"

Pomni thinks it over. "I mean, I have kind of a weird one? Do you mind me getting weird?"

"No such thing as a weird suggestion, Pomni!" Caine assures. "I think."

"Okay. I- I think it's just kind of been coming, but… we should probably make like, all of our clothes detachable," Pomni says. "It kinda sucks to wait for one of those wardrobes to take most of this off. It's not like it's uncomfortable, it's just… a lot, sometimes. And my gloves make my hands so clumsy."

Caine nods nonjudgementally, turning back down to his clipboard. "Detachable clothes…"

"Yeah, I'm kind of with Pomni on this one. It's really hard to sleep in the dress," Ragatha says, rubbing the back of her neck. "Some of you guys are lucky to be naked. Actually, is that weird to say?"

"No," Gangle says.

"No," Zooble echoes, coyly nudging Gangle as they speak. It makes her muffle a laugh into her ribbon hand. "You're right."

"Peeeerv," Jax singsongs.

They detach one of their legs and bean her with it. Pomni lets out an ugly snort as Jax nearly topples over, having to steady herself on the arm of the couch. She snatches Zooble's leg from where it's fallen in her lap, and her dirty glare immediately melts into a smug grin.

"Jokes on you, I'm keeping this now," Jax says, gesturing pointedly with it. She waits for Zooble to look unamused before tossing it back anyway, crossing her legs and leaning back with a dramatic flair. "Can't wait to wear something that isn't these itchy overalls. I'm gonna take these off and never look back."

"Really?" Pomni asks. "I like the overalls."

"Seriously?" Jax blinks, clearly bewildered. "They're too low down on my chest. Makes me feel naked, and I don't even like the colors much. It's not like they clash, but. Eh."

"I mean, the first thing's true, I guess," Pomni laughs nervously. "Maybe we can compromise with an undershirt. It's kinda distracting when your boobs are sticking out all the time."

"Huuuuh?" Jax tilts her head, brows furrowing, and then she looks down at her chest. Her hands move down to frame it, and she only then seems to notice the shape the fur there has taken. Her jaw practically drops to the floor. "I have tits?!"

"You didn't notice?" Gangle asks.

"You noticed before me?!" Jax shouts, her face reddening. She points at Gangle accusatorily. "How did you notice before me? Were you staring or something?!"

"Hey," Zooble snaps. "Don't yell at her, I'll throw another leg at you."

"Yeah, uh. Not her fault. It was kind of obvious," Ragatha says, politely looking away. Caine shrugs theatrically and pulls his clipboard closer to himself, like he also agrees.

"It's okay," Gangle mumbles. "I was kinda staring. Not in a weird way though. Sorry."

Jax makes a throttled noise and drops her face in her hands.

"I manifested boobs and I didn't even notice," she groans. "My days of being a twink are over."

"Can you be a girl and a twink?" Pomni asks.

"You just don't get it," Jax sighs. "Can someone get me a blanket, I'm getting self-conscious."

Caine snaps one into existence and tosses it over. Jax pulls it around herself and hunkers down, and the embarassment on her face starts to turn less comical and more genuinely worrying. Pomni nudges her bicep with her shoulder, and turning to focus on her seems to help her relax.

"We'll get you an undershirt," Pomni says, patting her arm.

"Maybe I'll just go back to wearing hoodies forever," Jax mumbles, sounding like she really wouldn't be happy with that.

"I guess that wouldn't be so bad," Pomni concedes, quietly, "but seriously, I'd really miss the overalls. I like tugging you down to kiss you."

"Pomniiiii," Jax whines. "You're so gay."

Pomni grabs the edge of Jax's blanket, to keep her chest covered from prying eyes, and then yanks her down by the strap of her overalls. Jax giggles as their mouths brush over each other, and then yelps when Pomni pulls her closer to kiss her.

"Really?" Jax asks, when she pulls away. Her smile is more sheepish than confident. "You could do that with hoodie strings, you know."

"Sounds like a good way to choke you," Pomni jokes.

"You already kiss me like you're trying to," Jax refutes. "Jeez. It's like you're trying to suck my soul out of me."

Pomni snorts, and pulls her closer again, so her breath fans over Jax's mouth. The hollow of Jax's throat bulges as she swallows. She looks like she wants to kiss her again, but she's scared to ask permission. It makes Pomni grin.

Zooble pointedly clears their throat. Pomni immediately rips away and springs back into place, stiffening her posture and forcing her face straight. Jax pulls her blanket over her face with an embarassed squeak.

Gangle's staring at them. Zooble mostly just looks amused, if not a little uncomfortable. Ragatha's shielding her face, and Caine looks like his brain is about to implode. Pomni genuinely feels a little bad for him.

"Not like I'm not happy for you," Zooble says, "but you're in public. And you called me a perv, Jax, Jesus."

"Uuuh," Pomni replies, intelligently. "Yep. Anyway. We were doing suggestions?"

"I second detachable clothes," Gangle says.

Caine thumps his head against his clipboard. Jax makes a sound resembling a dying whale under her blanket. Pomni has to bite her bottom lip so she doesn't laugh out loud, for Jax's sake, at least.

There's been worried whispers behind Jax's back lately, now that the aquarium is finished. It's mostly been, how is she going to take it, if she can't even talk about it? She's been avoiding the subject for weeks leading up to it, in ways that are increasingly more noticeable as it begins to dominate discussion.

Pomni's never pried, even though she probably should have. She knows prying is a net positive most of the time, and Jax doesn't appreciate her reluctance. The problem is that she is just as bad about it as her, and no one's really noticed.

She never knew any of the abstracted. She has no one to think about when she sits there. And there's something about the idea of it that freaks her out, watching glorified corpses swim around like fish behind glass. She understands the mentality behind it, and why it's the least cruel choice for them, and why it's important for everyone's closure, but—

She also can't stop thinking about how Jax would have joined them. She's barely able to look at one of them without thinking of her. They're all identical, and it makes her sick to think about. The jagged black scars on her right side are so hard to even look at sometimes.

Pomni's content to avoid it for her whole time alive, since she has that choice, but eventually it catches up with her. Jax goes on her own, without warning, and Kinger's the one to tell her about it.

"I don't think there's much I can say that's… helpful," he tells her, "but I think she could use a friend."

Pomni laughs, even though she's incredibly nervous. "A friend? Really?"

"Well," he chuckles, "you know what I mean."

She's almost expecting Jax to be out of it when she appears. She wouldn't really blame her, knowing of both her baggage with the subject and her pretty intense trypophobia. She's surprised to see her sat down in front of the tank, visibly calm. She stirs when Pomni approaches, and immediately turns to face her.

The worst she looks is tired. Her ears are down, and she looks somber, but she doesn't seem like she's a second away from a dissociative episode, or a panic attack. Her shoulders slump at the sight of her.

"Oh…"

"Hey," Pomni says. "Kinger told me you were here."

"Thought you were gonna come looking for me anyway," Jax mumbles. Her voice is softer than usual. "I mean, I hoped I'd be outta here by the time you got worried, but…"

Pomni creeps over and sinks down, to Jax's right side. Jax stares a hole into the floor instead of at the tank, wringing her hands. The abstractions light up her face in vibrant, technicolor light.

"You can talk to me about it," Pomni says.

"Hard to know where to start," Jax replies, squeezing her eyes shut. "I guess I'm— I don't know how I'm supposed to. Handle this."

"What do you mean?"

She sighs, staring up at the ceiling as she tries to get her bearings. Pomni stays patient, still avoiding looking at the tank.

"I don't like talking about them," she mutters, "because I don't think I— I don't know. It's weird talking about it. I didn't for a reason, I really— even though you know, and Ragatha knows, and Kinger kinda knows, it's—"

"Hard?"

"Doesn't feel like my place," Jax admits. "I know we talk about it all the time, but I don't want— I spent years just thinking, none of this was my fault, it was her fault she- she— so I never wanted to hear about it, and that's so— I don't wanna hear that from anyone else. I know it's not true."

"It's more complicated than that," Pomni says. "That's kinda what I mean when I try to talk to you about it. I'm not trying to say you didn't do bad things, or weren't— you know."

Jax sighs. She's watching the abstractions swim around in somber silence. She's gotten more and more open and receptive over the past few months. Its gotten so easy to read her, to look at her face and know exactly how she's feeling.

"Sometimes, I think…" she starts, and then stammers to a stop. "I don't know."

"Whatever you're thinking, it's probably not dumb."

"Feels like the only thing I can do is talk about them," Jax admits, "but I also don't think… I deserve that? I'm the one who— I did kinda feel like saying anything would be playing the victim card. It's hard to… to really— articulate it, maybe. I think that's the right word for it."

"Did you show me in your mind on purpose?" Pomni asks. She's surprised to realize she's never asked this, even though Jax had somewhat implied it before.

Jax nods. "I did." She takes a deep breath. "I wanted someone to- to see. I kinda hoped you'd hate me, you'd see everything and just— decide it was too much, but— I guess we talked about that already. It'd be dumb to talk about it again."

"Because you already know that's wrong," Pomni asserts. It's more like a demand, actually.

"I guess."

Pomni sinks into her side. Jax does the same, and Pomni knows she's staring miserably ahead. She wishes she had a way to ease the tension out of her brow, to soothe all of the hurt she's feeling away, but she knows that to an extent, this is something Jax will have to reckon with all on her own.

"I can't even tell them apart," Jax whispers. "They're all the same. I don't know— I'm looking at them in here, and I don't even know where Ribbit is. If I can even see them right now. It feels so- so messed up."

"I was so scared of that happening to you," Pomni admits.

Jax shifts in her spot a little, like she's trying to look down at her. "Sorry."

Pomni cups her hand over hers. "Everyone was really scared you'd flip out when you saw this," she says. "Not in a bad way, they trust you. They just didn't want you to come here and feel worse."

"I don't know if I feel worse."

"I'm just saying, you don't have to be here. You don't have to force yourself."

Jax hunches forward a little. "It's— hard," she says. "'Cause when I'm here, looking at it, talking about it, it's… it hurts. But I don't know if it's supposed to. But I kind of like it sometimes? Not in the way I should, I mean..."

"It's easier?"

"Maybe," Jax sighs. "Don't know if I'm just supremely messed up or not. I don't know what's good for me or not. Just makes it all the more frustrating." She moves to lace her and Pomni's fingers together, and her bravery makes Pomni beam. "Honestly, I miss sleeping on the street sometimes. Least then I knew what I was supposed to worry about."

"I get that," Pomni says.

Jax huffs frustratedly through her nose. It doesn't sound like she's angry at Pomni, just at herself.

Pomni squeezes her hand. I'm here, I know. It makes Jax melt. Every little reminder that Pomni's at her side does. Thinking about it makes her stomach swoop.

"I don't think there's a right way to do it," Pomni whispers, eventually. "Grieve, I mean. Even if you kinda played a part in what happened."

"Oh, there probably is," Jax claps back, sounding more energetic than before. "The right way is going to therapy."

Pomni snorts. "I guess?"

"Not really an option for me," Jax shrugs, jostling her. Pomni makes an annoyed noise. "Sorry. But they'd probably call me delusional for other reasons, anyway."

"You have to get the right therapist, dude," Pomni says. "Okay, well— I'm acting like I've been to therapy, which I kind of haven't. I did as a teen for a bit, I guess. Some group stuff with my parents."

"Is that why you hate them?" Jax asks.

"That and for many other equally stupid reasons," Pomni laughs. "They were just really pushy. They wanted me to become a doctor or the president or something, but they always treated me like a little kid. It was weird."

"Oh," Jax huffs. "Sorry for making you president that one time. Guess that was kinda loaded."

"You were kinda right about me fitting a position of power," Pomni leans in closer to her. "At least in theory. So I'm not that mad."

Jax squeaks out a flustered laugh, turning to cover her eyes. Pomni giggles nervously, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. She's worried that she's gone a little far, considering what they were just talking about. She's relieved when Jax doesn't pull away.

She turns to look at the tank. From down here, it is a little beautiful to watch them move, even if it's difficult to think about. It's nice to think about how they're finally calm, after years and years of being locked in the cellar. She knows why everyone is taking so much comfort in it, even if it unnerves her.

"I'm happy you're alive," Pomni says.

"Gee, thanks," Jax snarks, but her voice wavers nervously. It means Pomni's words were well-timed, and very appreciated.

Pomni almost wants to pull away to kiss her, but it wouldn't feel right, in the same way it didn't feel right to try at the mountain. Pomni doesn't want to override the places and things that remind Jax of Ribbit, because she knows she needs them. She can look up and admire how the light hits her face without doing that, anyway.

"I love you," Jax whispers. "Have I ever said that out loud before?"

Pomni's heart swells. "No," she answers. "But I kinda knew."

"Kinda?" Jax echoes. "Now I feel bad. I should say it more."

"You don't have to do anything," Pomni says. "It really wouldn't bother me if that was the only time you said it in your life. It's not like you don't make it obvious…"

"Ughh, I do, don't I," Jax whines. "What did you do to me?"

"Hey, you did it to yourself, it's not my fault," Pomni elbows her gently. Jax pulls away and blows a raspberry at her, and it makes her laugh. "Take responsibility for being a good person. You'll feel better."

Jax grimaces. "I'm not—" she wheezes, and then slumps with a defeated sigh. "Fiiiine."

Pomni grins. It feels like victory.

"C'mon," she says, getting back to her feet. "I think we were gonna do an adventure in a bit. Kinger's coming along on this one, so it's pretty special."

"Well, if I have to," Jax says, even as her eyes twinkle mischeviously.

Pomni holds out her hand again; Jax takes it, letting herself be helped up. She doesn't look back once as they leave the aquarium, and back into the light, where everyone is waiting for them.

 "You know," her girl says, her voice lilting teasingly, "when we talked about this, I thought you were joking."

Pomni laughs. "Oh no, I was serious," she says. "I thought it'd be relaxing."

"Yeah, relaxing. More like boooring," she whines. She leans back, accidentally displacing Pomni's hands in her hair. The flower flutters back down into Pomni's lap. "Oops."

"I'm trying to loop the stem in, stop squirming," Pomni demands.

"It's not my fault that I'm squirming, it's the stupid grass—"

"You don't have to make excuses, I'm just saying—"

"—I swear it's not like this on the grounds, it's just so itchy—"

"—it's seriously not a big deal if it's not your fault, it's just a little frustrating—"

"—and I know it's meant to add to like, the realism or whatever, but you'd think I'd stop being ticklish in here—"

"—like, I'm not attacking y— wait, you're ticklish?"

"No," she says, way too quickly. "I'll try to stay still if it's sooo important to you, jeez."

"You'd notice a pea under your mattress," Pomni comments, with an endeared roll of her eyes. "I think I'm getting it. I probably should've taken the tutorial with me. Maybe I just picked the stem too short."

"You've got a whole pile right there. Just get a new one."

"But I like the phloxes," Pomni insists. "They're the platonic ideal of a flower."

"That'd probably be daisies," she refutes. "If you told a little kid to draw a flower, I'd bet money on it that they'd draw a daisy."

"What money?"

"Pomni, love, are you making fun of my homelessness?" she gasps theatrically, jerking up to slap a hand to her chest. The motion undoes Pomni's work, again. "You dog!"

"You can't use being homeless five years ago to get out of an argument!"

"You're delusional if you think I was losing it."

"Fine. I'll get the daisies, princess," Pomni snarks, letting it go.

Her girl ducks a little from where she's sat in front of her, like she's trying to hide a blush, and Pomni immediately files that away for later. She plucks a daisy out of the pile.

Pomni gets the hang of it pretty quickly. It's easier now that she isn't forced to wear gloves all the time, so her grip is more precise. She quickly begins to find the routine relaxing.

It's especially quiet out here, in this little pocket of their world they've created. Pomni can feel the sun warm her back so distinctly, compared to on the grounds. The breeze is cool and soothing on her skin.

Her friends are laughing down from the hill they've situated on, mostly chattering amongst themselves and soaking in the atmosphere. Caine's voice is the loudest. He honestly looks happier than they are. He's been laughing like he really means it, lately, like it's not just a performance he's putting on, and it makes Pomni smile.

She takes another daisy from the pile. She starts the routine again.

"Can you keep a secret?"

Pomni's hands still. "Hm?" she hums, before she can process the question, and then she just says, bluntly, "dude."

"Sorry. Dumb question, I guess."

She sounds scared, so Pomni decides to reassure her anyway. "Of course," she reminds her. "Anything for you."

"Provided it isn't stupid or self-destructive, I'm guessing?"

"Is that what you're asking me not to talk about?" Pomni sighs.

She looks back at her. She has that look she always gets when she's nervous, when her brows are scrunched together, and her eyes encompass most of her face, and Pomni can't even see her mouth anymore. She often uses it to get what she wants, but never on purpose.

"No," her girl eventually mumbles, and then turns back around. She's picking at the sleeves of her sweater. "I was just… I know there's limits."

"I'm not lying," Pomni says, continuing her work. "I just know you wouldn't ask me to do something like that. Well, I'd keep a stupid secret. Not a self-destructive one. If I was worried I couldn't do anything on my own, I mean. I won't tell them what's going on in your head, but I'll tell them when you're not okay."

"Okay," she says. "This is probably closer to a stupid one. Stupid that I wanna keep it, not that- that it's like, something super weird about me. Or— maybe it'll, I dunno. Maybe you'll be mad at me?"

"Hit me."

She's quiet for a while.

"Can you, um—" she pauses, to suck in a deep breath. She tilts her head towards the sky, careful not to interrupt Pomni weaving flowers into her hair. "Can you call me Lilly?"

Pomni blinks. "Why would I be mad at you for that?"

"Because I— lied? I don't know," Lilly rasps. "It made more sense in my head. When I first told you, I said I didn't have any names in mind, but like… I did? I kind of did. I had a couple of ideas. That was— it was my favorite."

"I kind of knew you were hiding it. It's- it was fine that you didn't wanna tell me," Pomni says, and then remembers her vow to be fully truthful. "Well— I guess it hurt a little sometimes, but that's only because I knew you had a reason to be worried, with your life and everything, and it just... sucked to think about."

"It's not like I thought you were gonna laugh at me," Lilly stresses. "It just felt dumb. I don't even hate my old— my name. 'Cause I chose it, you know? It's still mine, it's not my mom's. I don't think it'd bother me if they kept callin' me Jax or anything. It's just…"

She breathes out through her nose, struggling to find her words. Pomni finishes weaving in the flower she was on, and pulls back to let stim out the stress, if she needs to.

"It's... it doesn't feel, I- I don't even know," Lilly stammers. "It's not bad as a girl's name, I guess. It's kinda cool, when I think about it. But it's not a name that's… really me. Not always, anyway."

Pomni tilts her head. "Do you want me to use both?" she asks.

"I dunno," Lilly sighs, turning to face her. Her gaze is downturned, but at least Pomni can see the apprehensive look on her face. "Maybe it's stupid, but like… I just like the idea of you calling me that. For now, at least. Only you. Because you know me like that, I guess. That's probably dumb, but. Whatever."

Pomni leans in close to her, grinning salaciously on purpose. "Our secret?"

Lilly squeaks out a flustered laugh. "Are you into this?"

"I don't know," she laughs. "Not like that. I just… think it's romantic."

Lilly's eyes soften. "Guess it is, then." She doesn't look so nervous anymore.

Pomni leans in and pecks her on the mouth. It's intentionally chaste this time, and it makes Lilly sigh wistfully when she pulls away.

"Just can't keep yourself off'a me, huh?" Lilly snorts.

"Tell me to stop if you want me to," Pomni says, another reminder. "Now turn around, I'm not done with your braid."

"This is taking foreverrrr," Lilly moans, even as she obediently turns around.

It's more like posturing than an actual complaint. She does that a lot, slipping in and out of her protective veneer of irony when she's nervous. Pomni's very careful to read her cues, and to make it clear that it's always her call if she wants her to stop, but she very rarely does. She only ever melts under her attention. Even if Lilly would never believe it, Pomni does think it's an incredible show of strength.

"Give me five more minutes," Pomni says, lifting an easter lily out of the pile. She thinks white would look good on her. It surfaces an idea, one of a potential future path for them, and it's one that she thinks she'll be dreaming about every time she goes to bed, now that it's come to her. "I swear I'm almost there."

Although Pomni's room had been their room for a long time, Lilly's personality in it had still been noticeably absent. When Pomni had decided to renovate the place, every detail had been her call. The only input Lilly had given was reluctant acceptance, when Pomni made choices for her side of the room.

There wasn't much she could do to fit it all to Lilly's preferences, not when she wasn't aware of what they'd look like. Her old room had been an amalgam of her greatest fears, but Pomni doesn't know if it was another instance of her fearing what was good for her or not. It hadn't been her place to pry.

Even when the photo on Pomni's door had been peeled off like a sticker, and their room began to feel worn and lived in, Lilly never moved anything out of place, and never made personal changes to it. She'd always leave it exactly like it was, like she couldn't process it was permanent. She'd smooth down her sheets, upright everything she knocked over, and put the books right back where she left them on the shelves. She'd talked like was always theirs, but never hers, even though Pomni sometimes alternated.

Pomni had never pushed, even though she had noticed. She'd simply waited, and waited, and waited for things to change. She'd never let Lilly's uncertainty dash her hopes, even as the days passed on and on with little difference. She knew what she was so afraid of, and she knew that her unrelenting patience would whittle that fear down like dry linden wood.

The sign of that anxiety finally caving in is quiet, and unspoken. Pomni only realizes when she enters their warm, dimly-lit room on her own, to have some time to herself. She flips open an unread book from her shelf—it's Rubyfruit Jungle—and settles down on their bed, sinking into the mattress, only to catch an unexpected splash of color in the corner of her eye.

To her delight, there's something new, placed unassumingly on their nightstand; a small, ornamental vase of violets.