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"Let’s talk after the show."
Right. Well, it’s after the show... and with Gangle dragging a stupid sauced up Zooble back to their room, Kinger wandering back to his fort, and Jax... doing whatever Jax was doing... all that's left of the circus crew are Pomni and Ragatha, standing awkwardly by the tent's main stage after they were all unceremoniously dumped there following The Favorite Character Award show's uncomfortable conclusion. It had been a long day, but Pomni was eager to talk to the ragdoll. And judging from Ragatha’s rigid posture, she was happy to oblige. Ragatha wasn’t sure she’d be able to get a wink of sleep tonight otherwise. She was a bundle of nerves and fiber at the moment, and Pomni could practically feel it.
Sure, Pomni could be cowardly, but she’s a grown woman for god's sake. A grown woman wearing a stupid, gaudy, cartoon character skin, but a grown woman nevertheless. She can handle having a conversation. The sad little jester was finally getting adjusted to the ins and outs of this digital hell. Now that she’s a little more stable she's having to navigate the next big hurdle— dealing with the cast of other cartoon characters and their... interpersonal dynamics. She can do that.
"So," Ragatha hefts her arms, Pomni holds her breath, but nothing else comes.
After a beat the little jester starts up, filling the silence with a dumb "Uhhh," before continuing, "do you maybe wanna... talk in my room?"
“Y-yeah, yeah! Sure,” the ragdoll stiffens despite her cotton insides, pivoting on her heel to follow Pomni to her room.
It wasn't an awkward silence... okay, maybe it was, but it would be fine when they got to the jester's room. They'd talk things out and everything would be a-okay! Oh, Ragatha was going to be sick...
Pomni opened the door, stepping aside for Ragatha, like the good little gentleman that she is. The show of chivalry cheers the ragdoll up, if only for a moment.
"Why, thank you," she gives the jester a quick nod and a curtsy before entering, missing the smile that tugs at the jester's lips as she closes the door behind them.
Ragatha had caught glimpses of Pomni's room on other occasions, but had never been invited in before. It was an odd mix of childish toys and ornate furniture, but she was too preoccupied with her own thoughts to take in the finer details. So, there they sat, on the edge of the Pomni-sized four-poster bed, looking everywhere except at each other.
"So, I—"
"I wanna—"
The two women both start, then stop.
"You go—"
"You can speak first—"
They start and stop again. This feels familiar. A crinkle of a smile rises on Pomni's face.
"Let's... you can start, okay?" Pomni offers after a beat.
Ragatha can't help but wince. This is going just as well as she expected. But she quickly shifts back into her cheerful disposition, her apology at the ready.
"Pomni, I'm, uh, sorry about earlier," she rubs a soft mitt up and down her arm, "for not being on your team."
It seemed silly, saying it out loud. Was that really what she wanted to say? Sorry for not playing the game with her?
"Oh, it's... don't worry about it, Ragatha," Pomni ventures cautiously.
The jester didn't seem to see where exactly this was going. She wouldn't have caught onto this any earlier during her tenure here in the circus, but now that she's managed to step out of her own head, it was clear that something was bothering the always kind and cheerful ragdoll, and she wanted to know what. After another pause, she plucks up the courage. She can handle having a conversation.
"Ragatha, is that... really what you wanted to talk about...?" Pomni practically whispers, trying to coax her. It felt like if she spoke any louder she would spook the poor ragdoll like a wild horse.
Ragatha knew outright asking hey so do you secretly hate me??? wasn't exactly something she wanted to throw onto this very new person in her life that she so desperately did not want to lose. So she takes a trembling breath, trying to focus on what, exactly, had been bothering her.
You need to look out for yourself in all this, too. Kinger's words bounce around in her cotton head. If Pomni wants to know what's eating at her, well, then... she'll try to let her know...
Her mouth feels like it’s full of cotton. She tries to swallow.
"I'm... scared, Pomni," Ragatha pulls herself together, tightening her mitts and bringing them close to her chest. "I'm scared that we're drifting apart, and I— I don't want that," Ragatha’s vision blurs.
No, no no please, no tears...
"You..."
Why is this so hard?
"You left me, you... you shot me..." She can’t meet Pomni’s gaze, but she can feel the jester’s eyes burning into her, intent on hearing her. Even when she cringes at the hurt in the ragdoll's voice, she keeps those big dumb eyes trained on her.
"We can’t die, but," her voice wavers. God. "It still hurts," Ragatha’s shoulders fall, her energy sapped from the weight of her confession.
Pomni had hurt her. Both women weren't entirely sure if she meant physically or emotionally. Probably both? No, definitely both. Pomni hadn't realized that she'd done so, being so wrapped up in her own head, trying to cope with her new reality. Oh, god.
"Ragatha, I..." the pathetic little jester sighs, shoulders dropping, "I’m so, so sorry, I didn't..."
The ragdoll’s first instinct is to reach out to her, to save her, to put her comforting cotton filled mitts on her and soothe her— It’s okay, Pomni, it’s fine! Everything’s fine— she so desperately wants to do her song and dance. It pains her to see the jester flounder. But she holds her minky tongue.
"I can’t even, I don’t even..." Pomni continues to flail, trying to sift through all the words and thoughts and colors and feelings that had assaulted her senses since the moment she got here. Maybe she can't handle having a conversation.
"All of this," she gestures vaguely to the room, trying to blink back the tears forming in her big stupid eyes, "has been so," a shaky breath, "difficult, and confusing, and—"
Ragatha can’t help herself now. She reaches out, her hands hovering awkwardly just outside of the jester’s personal space, “No, no I— I know it is, Pomni, and I..." she wants to apologize, not on her behalf, but for this stupid f%$!#ing circus, "and I’m so sorry everything has been so terrible. But I'm—" she gently lowers her hands back to their default position, dutifully folded in her lap, "I'm still here for you, okay?"
Pomni recalls Ragatha saying something similar to her earlier that day. At the time, she wasn't exactly sure what the ragdoll was getting at. Her only response being an awkward smile and a thumbs up. But after this adventure, after her fight with Jax, after everything the circus had thrown at her— that invitation for connection suddenly clicked in her brain. This has been really, really tough on her. And while Kinger seemed to insist that she'd been taking this very hard, very real, pill well, she hadn't noticed that she'd been making it tough on someone who wants to care about her. This very real, and not a cartoon character, person who just wants to be her friend. Pomni chances a glance up at the ragdoll with glassy eyes.
Ragatha can’t help but soften at the jester's expression— the same as the sign on her bedroom door. Except this one has big fat tears threatening to spill over her cheeks.
"Thank you," Pomni croaks pitifully, "for everything."
Great, now they’re both crying. Ragatha wants to pull the smaller woman close, but she restrains herself. Instead, the two awkwardly sit there, tending to themselves, swiping away stray tears and taking in sniffly, hiccuping breaths.
Stupid. She felt so stupid for getting all worked up over this. Now she made Pomni cry. Why did she do that?
She can’t help but chuckle humorlessly.
"What is it?" Pomni hiccups, grateful for the chance to continue the conversation.
Ragatha considers waving it off, but she's come this far, so she might as well continue being honest. "It just feels so selfish— being upset when you’ve just been thrown into... all of this." It's her turn to gesture vaguely to the room.
"No," Pomni suddenly snaps with conviction, scooching herself closer to the other woman, "it’s not. You’re not. You..." she glances away, eyes searching the floor for the right words, "...I haven't been a very good friend to you... and I... I care about you, you know?" Pomni’s voice lilts nervously at the end there. But she continues. "Even though all of this," another gesture to the stupid clown room, "has been difficult, it doesn't excuse the fact that I..." Come on, Pomni, you're almost there. "I'm sorry I abandoned you. I'm sorry for hurting you, I," she takes a deep breath that she didn't actually need to take in this digital hell, "I wanna be a better friend to you, okay?"
Ragatha blanches. Seeing the jester wear her heart on her puffy sleeve like this was a rare occurrence. Somehow she had gotten an answer to her initial question without even having to ask. Pomni doesn't hate her. Pomni wants to be her friend. Pomni cares about her. Something deep in Ragatha’s stuffing filled gut stirs, and she couldn't hold herself together any longer. Sucking in a sharp breath, her head falls into her hands, sobbing. Pomni unleashes a flurry of surprised sounds, unsure of what exactly she did to warrant this kind of reaction and how to... react to said reaction.
"Ragatha—I, uh— are you oh...kay...?" she hovers closer, tilting her big dumb head to get a better look at the ragdoll’s face. The bells at the ends of her stupid hat jingle with the motion.
"Sorry, I’m sorry," she manages through her big cotton mitts, "I just... thank you, Pomni." She glances shyly up from behind her cover.
Pomni pulls away as if she’d been burned.
"Oh! I, uh, yeah. Sure." The jester offers her a dopey grin, a complete reversal from her previous waxing poetic.
She's still not sure what she did wrong— or right, maybe? But it was true, she does care about Ragatha. She wants to be a good friend to Ragatha. And, more than anything, she hated seeing tears in the ragdoll’s eye... but that shy smile she had offered her— it made her rubber hose stomach flip. What was that about...?
After a few more tears and a few more words, Ragatha reluctantly picked herself up to see herself out. Pomni followed close behind, opening the door for her like the little gentleman that she is.
"Thank you," Ragatha sighs like she's just had a cartoony ten ton weight lifted from her shoulders, "for talking with me, Pomni. I feel a lot better now." She lets the words tumble out of her with an airy laugh. She feels so light now.
"Y-yeah," Pomni sways on the balls of her feet, pulling the door back and forth with her, "I feel better, too."