Archive of Our Own

The Batfamily had seen a lot of strange things.

Alien invasions. Clones. Time travel. That one time Damian tried to replace Alfred's tea with something called "a proper English breakfast" and nearly started a civil war.

But this?

This was new.

Dick Grayson stood in the doorway of Bruce's bedroom, absolutely baffled by what he was witnessing. Salix the terrifying Night's End, the man who made Osaka's villains weep, the being who was technically part god and part whatever-the-hell-else was currently a burrito.

Not a metaphorical burrito. An actual blanket burrito.

Specifically, Salix had taken approximately seventeen blankets (Dick had counted, because that's what you do when your best friend's best friend is having a crisis) and wrapped himself so thoroughly that only his mismatched eyes and a few strands of black hair were visible.

"You okay, Salix?" Dick asked carefully, because he was a good older brother and also because he'd seen what happened when people startled Salix. The last person who'd done that had ended up in a flying headscissors takedown. They were still in physical therapy.

Salix's voice emerged from the blanket cocoon like a ghost from a particularly dramatic grave. "Ask your brother."

Dick blinked. "Which brother?"

The blanket shifted slightly. A single mismatched eye appeared through a gap in the fabric.

"The one who's currently flirting with my pet."

Dick turned around.

Oh.

Oh no.

Jason Todd the Red Hood, the former Robin, the walking disaster of a human being was in the hallway, crouched down and making soft pspspsps sounds at Tostada, who was absolutely not having it.

The massive creature, part Great Leonopteryx, part Indominus Rex, all murder, had wedged itself into the corner of the hallway and was giving Jason the most offended look Dick had ever seen on an animal. It had somehow managed to camouflage itself into the wallpaper, leaving only its white head visible.

"I'm just saying," Jason was saying, completely unbothered by the fact that he was trying to romance a creature that could literally eat him, "you could do better than my boyfriend. You're gorgeous. Magnificent. Built for murder. I respect the grind."

Tostada made a sound like a dying car engine, which Dick was pretty sure was the creature's version of fuck off.

"Jay," Dick said, pinching the bridge of his nose, "why are you hitting on Salix's emotional support dragon?"

"It's not a dragon," Jason said, without looking up. "It's a leonopteryx-indominus hybrid. Get your taxonomy right."

"Why is that the part you're correcting?"

"Because I respect my boyfriend's choices even when they're incomprehensible to mortal men."

Roy Harper appeared from seemingly nowhere, having been lurking in the shadows like the chaos gremlin he was. He peered at the blanket burrito.

"He fuck you that hard?" Roy asked with all the subtlety of a freight train.

The smack that followed was immediate and brutal. Dick slapped the back of Roy's head so hard the archer stumbled forward, nearly faceplanting into the wall.

"Roy!" Dick hissed.

"What? It's a valid question! Look at him!"

Dick looked back at Salix.

The blanket burrito was vibrating. Not in a scary way. In a way that suggested Salix was making very small, very determined sounds of distress.

And maybe also trying to phase through the bed through sheer force of embarrassment.

"I hate all of you," Salix's voice came from the blanket. It was muffled but still somehow managed to convey the full weight of a thousand years of god-blooded fury. "I hate this family. I hate the manor. I hate all of you."

"You don't hate Bruce," Jason said, finally abandoning his quest to 'romance' Tostada. He stalked into the bedroom, completely casual, like he hadn't just tried to seduce his boyfriend's pet. "You literally came here to hide in his room."

Salix made a sound that was probably supposed to be a protest but came out as a whimper.

"Where is Bruce anyway?" Dick asked, because someone had to be the responsible one.

"Gotham," Salix said. "Something about... a thing. A villain. A thing villain. I don't know. I wasn't listening when he told me because I was dying inside."

Roy perked up. "Dying inside? Does that mean you're single now?"

The blanket burrito lunged.

Except Salix had wrapped himself so thoroughly that he couldn't actually move, so he just... tilted violently to the side and made a sound like an angry cat.

"Roy!" Dick grabbed his friend by the collar. "Stop asking questions that will get us all killed!"

"My city would never fall to chaos," Salix said, still somehow sounding regal despite being a blanket burrito. "I would simply kill anyone who tried."

"And yet you're hiding in Gotham," Jason pointed out, the bastard.

"Because you broke my everything!"

Jason had the audacity to smirk. It was the smirking that really did it.

"Is that why you're hiding?" Jason asked, his voice dropping to something softer. "Because I broke you?"

The blankets shifted.

Slowly, the fabric parted enough for Salix's face to emerge. His mismatched eyes were watery, his expression a complicated mix of affection and murder.

"You took away my ability to walk," Salix hissed. "I had to crawl to get here. I made Alfred carry me up the stairs. Do you understand what you've done to my reputation?"

"Oh, cry me a river," Jason said, but he was grinning now. "You literally begged for it. You begged, Salix."

Salix's face went through approximately fifteen expressions in three seconds. "I did not—"

"You said 'more, love' like a prayer."

"Your favorite prayer," Salix shot back, which was apparently the wrong thing to say because Jason's smirk somehow got bigger.

"Oh yeah?" Jason leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed. "And whose thighs are covered in bite marks?"

"Dick's."

Dick made a sound like a dying whale. "WHAT?"

"Not you," Salix said quickly. "I meant... I meant not Dick. Not you. I meant... Bruce's."

"Bruce doesn't have bite marks," Jason said flatly. "And you'd better explain why you're talking about his thighs."

"I'm not talking about his thighs! I'm talking about my thighs!"

"Not the defense you think it is, sweetheart."

"Jason."

"Salix."

Roy, who had been absolutely watching this exchange like it was the greatest show on Earth, couldn't help himself. "So... on a scale of one to ten, how badly did he fuck you?"

Salix's eyes went dead.

"I'm going to kill you," Salix said, in the tone of someone who was making a promise. "I'm going to kill you and then I'm going to hide your body where no one will ever find it. And then I'm going to unlive you because that wasn't enough."

Roy held up his hands. "Okay, okay! Valid response!"

"Was it at least good?" This came from the hallway, where Tim Drake had apparently appeared with popcorn. Actual popcorn. In a bowl. With butter.

"Tim," Dick said, horrified. "How long have you been there?"

"Since Jason asked if Salix was dead inside. This is better than the time Damian tried to out-sass Bruce." Tim took a bite of popcorn. "So? Was it good?"

Salix made a sound like a tea kettle.

"I hate this family," he said. "I hate every single one of you. I'm going back to Osaka and starting over. I'll never get a new identity. I'll live in a cave. Tostada will be my only companion."

"Tostada loves me now," Jason said smugly. "We bonded."

"You tried to bond with Tostada," Salix snapped. "Tostada was giving you the 'you have five seconds to run' look."

"She's a creature of taste. She knows good breeding when she sees it."

"You're insufferable."

"And yet you love me."

Salix made a sound like a deflating balloon. "...unfortunately."

Dick pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. "Okay. Can we please focus on the important question here?"

"What's important," Tim said, in the tone of someone who knew exactly where this was going, "is if Salix is going to tell Bruce that he has a boyfriend with a worse impulse control than the Joker."

"Don't compare me to the Joker," Jason and Salix said simultaneously.

"See! Even in this they're synchronized!"

"I'm going to set the manor on fire," Salix announced. "That's it. I'm going to burn it down. They'll write songs about this day. The day Night's End ended Gotham's last bastion of civilization."

"Alfred would never let you burn the manor down," Dick said.

"The man loves you," Roy added.

"Alfred loves me," Salix corrected. "There's a difference."

"Actually," Tim said, scrolling through his phone, "I have a poll running in the family group chat. Damian is vehemently on the side of 'Salix should be allowed to burn the manor down because Jason deserves it,' Duke is taking bets on how long until Bruce walks in on this, and Steph wants to know if Roy can ask more questions because she's trying to win a bet on how many times you'll threaten to kill him."

"I don't want to know how many times that bet is on," Dick muttered.

"Twenty-four. She's got over."

Salix stared at Tim for a long moment.

Then, very carefully, he began the slow process of unburritoing himself. The blankets fell away in stages, revealing a man who looked like he'd been through a war. His hair was a disaster. His neck was covered in hickeys. There were visible bite marks on his collarbone.

And he was wearing Jason's jacket.

"Wait," Roy said, pointing. "Is that—"

"Yes," Jason said, looking immensely satisfied. "It's mine."

"You gave him your jacket?"

"Technically he stole it."

Salix's expression didn't change. "You were unconscious. It was easy."

"I was unconscious because I passed out after we finished."

"That's not the flex you think it is, love."

"Oh, I wasn't trying to flex. I was trying to communicate that you are the reason I needed a nap."

Salix's face went through approximately fifteen expressions again. "I'm not going to win this argument, am I?"

"Not in a million years, my love."

Roy made a gagging sound. "You're both insufferable. Get a room."

"We have one," Jason said pleasantly. "It's called the penthouse. I keep meaning to invite you over, but then I'd have to warn my neighbors about the screaming."

"Jason!"

"What? I'm just telling the truth."

Salix turned to Dick with the expression of a man who had seen too much, been through too much, and was about to start a new life in a monastery. "This is what I have to deal with. Every. Single. Day."

"And yet you keep coming back," Dick said.

"Because he's worth it," Salix said, the words leaving his mouth like a confession. "And because no one else would be able to keep up with this."

He gestured vaguely at Jason, who was currently making kissy faces at Tostada. Even though he's joking around to piss that creature off.

"She loves me," Jason said. "She just won't admit it."

"She's going to eat you one day."

"Worth it."

"You're impossible."

"And yet you love me."

Salix's expression softened, just a fraction. "I do."

There was a moment of silence.

Then Tim threw a piece of popcorn at Jason's head. "Get a room."

"GET OUT OF OUR ROOM!" Salix roared.

And then Bruce walked in.

Bruce had been having a good day.

Well, a fine day. A day where no one had tried to kill him, the Rogues had been quiet, and Alfred had made his favorite tea. He'd even managed to deal with a minor Arkham breakout with minimal fuss.

He'd come home expecting to find his family... existing. Existing in a normal way. Existing in a way that didn't make him question every decision that had led him to this point.

Instead, he walked into his bedroom to find: Salix (half-dressed, covered in hickeys), Jason (looking smug, also half-dressed), Tim (eating popcorn), Dick (looking like he needed a drink), Roy (somehow involved), and Tostada (crammed into a corner, giving everyone the stink eye).

His bedroom. His private bedroom. The one place in the manor that was supposed to be his sanctuary.

"...Explain," Bruce said, in the tone of someone who was going to kill everyone in the room.

"Batsy," Salix said, completely unrepentant, "I'm hiding from your son."

"You're hiding from my eldest son?"

"Your second older son."

Bruce looked at Jason, who shrugged.

"I fucked him so hard he couldn't walk," Jason said cheerfully. "Came here to hide."

"I didn't tell him to say that," Salix muttered.

"You didn't have to. Your face says it all."

"What is wrong with you?"

"Many things, my love. Many, many things."

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. "I should have never let you two meet."

"Too late," Jason said. "We're together now. Stuck like glue. Absolutely inseparable."

Salix's expression said that he was absolutely considering separating.

"Tostada," Salix said, "eat him."

The creature un-camouflaged itself from the wall and made a sound like a contented cat.

"The traitor," Salix muttered.

"She likes me," Jason said smugly. "She has good taste."

"The traitor."

Bruce looked at Dick. "Is this going to be a regular thing?"

"Probably," Dick said. "They're weirdly in love."

"I'm not weirdly in love," Salix protested. "I'm deeply in love. It's the same thing."

"It's not, actually," Tim said helpfully.

"I'm going to set you on fire."

"That's not the defense you think it is, honey," Jason said.

Salix whirled on him. "You don't get to call me honey! Not after what you did!"

"What did I do? You came, you left, you fell down the stairs because you couldn't walk—"

"I didn't fall down the stairs, I tripped!"

"Same thing."

"It is not the same thing!"

"In my book it is."

"What book are you reading?"

"Mine. It's called 'How to be a Menace to Society and Also Your Boyfriend's Sanity'."

Salix looked at Bruce. "Can you kill him? Just a little bit? Just enough to humble him?"

"You have the same issue," Bruce said flatly.

"I don't!"

"You absolutely do. You said 'I'm going to kill everyone in this city' about fifteen times last week."

Salix blinked. "And? That's just... basic villain conversation."

"You're not a villain."

"I'm a vigilante."

"Same thing, different font."

"Oh, that's rich coming from you, Batsy. Tell me, how many times have you threatened to break the Joker's neck?"

"A lot. But that's different."

"How?"

"I'm... contemplative when I say it."

"THAT'S NOT A DEFENSE!"

"Salix," Bruce said, his voice level, "you're yelling."

"I'm allowed to yell!"

"Get down from the bed."

"I'm not on the bed."

Bruce looked. Salix was, in fact, on the bed. Specifically, he had somehow gotten back into the blanket pile and was pointing an accusatory finger at Bruce.

"I see a lot of things in this room that I'm not okay with," Bruce said.

"We'll start with Jason," Dick suggested.

"HEY!"

"Don't start with Jason," Salix said quickly. "Start with the popcorn."

Tim, who was still eating popcorn, paused. "What? I'm innocent."

"You're an instigator."

"I'm an observer!"

"You're a menace!"

Tim took another bite of popcorn. "And yet I still have more self-control than two-thirds of this room."

"That's not a flex," Roy said.

"It's not not a flex."

"KILL HIM," Salix demanded, pointing at Tim. "I WANT HIM DEAD."

"You can't kill the family," Bruce said. "There are rules."

"There are no rules. This is chaos."

"This is family."

Salix stared at Bruce for a long moment.

Then, very slowly, he started to smile.

"Mi amor," Salix said, his voice dropping to something dangerous. "You do have a family. A beautiful, insane, beautiful family."

"I said that."

"And I'm a part of it now."

"You've been a part of it for years."

"Yes," Salix said, "but now I'm really a part of it."

He was looking at Jason when he said it.

Jason's expression flickered. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I haven't told you yet," Salix said. "But you're right. You're completely right."

"About what?"

Salix's smile widened. "I've been thinking about it."

"About what?"

"About us."

Jason went very, very still.

And then Salix spoke the words that made the entire room go silent.

"Jason," he said, in a voice that was calm and certain, "I want to marry you."

The room erupted into chaos.

Dick started shouting. Roy grabbed his heart. Tim dropped his popcorn. Tostada made a sound of approval.

And Jason?

Jason stared at Salix with an expression that was somewhere between a man who'd just seen God and a man who'd just realized he was the punchline of a cosmic joke.

"You what?" Jason asked.

"I want to marry you."

"You can't do that."

"Can't I? We've been together for years."

"Eight years."

"Eight years. Yes." Salix shrugged. "You broke up with me five times."

"I came back every time."

"And now you're back again. This time, you're staying."

Jason made a sound that was probably supposed to be a laugh but came out as a laugh-cough-sob. "You can't just propose to me in the middle of a fight!"

"I'm not fighting."

"You're hiding in Bruce's room!"

"I'm hiding from you!"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER!"

"It makes it perfect," Salix said, and there was something in his voice that made everyone pause.

Jason looked at him for a long moment.

"You're serious," he said.

"I'm always serious."

"You're never serious."

"This time I am."

"You proposed to me in Bruce's bedroom."

Salix shrugged. "It felt right."

"WHY WOULD THIS FEEL RIGHT?"

"Because you kissed me in this room," Salix said. "I don't remember when it was. But it happened. And this is where you proposed to me."

"You proposed to me!"

"You proposed to me first, love."

Jason opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again. "...I can't remember if I did."

Salix smiled. "You did."

"I DID?"

"Right before you kissed me."

"Kissed you? I don't remember kissing you!"

"That's because you were high."

"I wasn't high!"

"Babs was there. She has a photo."

"Babs has a photo?!"

"It's in her collection," Tim said, completely unhelpful. "She calls it the 'birth of a disaster'."

Jason made a sound like he was going to have an aneurysm.

And then he started laughing.

Not a light laugh. Not a chuckle. A full laugh, the kind that came from somewhere deep in his chest and made his shoulders shake and his head fall back.

"I can't believe this," Jason said, gasping for breath. "I can't believe this. You—you beat me to it. You actually beat me to it."

Salix's expression softened. "I didn't beat you."

"You did! I've been planning this for months!"

"Moths?"

"MONTHS! I HAD A WHOLE SPEECH!"

"You should have used it."

"I'm going to KILL YOU."

"No you won't. I'm the love of your life."

Jason glared at him for a moment. Then, reluctantly, he stepped forward.

"You are such a menace," he said, and there was something in his voice that was warm and content.

"I learned from the best."

"Who?"

"You."

Jason's laugh was soft now.

"I'm going to kiss you," Jason said, "and then I'm going to spend the rest of my life making sure you never forget this moment."

"You'd better have a good speech."

Jason didn't say anything.

He kissed Salix.

"Okay, but we should probably tell Alfred."

"I'll tell Alfred," Bruce said flatly. "When I'm ready to have that conversation."

"I'll tell Alfred," Salix said. "Right now."

"YOU JUST GOT ENGAGED!" Dick shouted.

"Yes," Salix said, getting to his feet. "And I'm going to tell Alfred."

"WHY?"

"Because he's going to find out eventually, and I'd rather it come from me."

Jason let out a breath. "He's going to be insufferable."

"He's going to be happy for us."

"You have a weird definition of happy."

"Alfred likes you."

"Alfred tolerates me."

"Same thing."

"IT IS NOT THE SAME THING!"

But Salix was already heading for the door.

"Wait!" Jason grabbed his arm. "I need to—I need to ask you something."

"What?"

"When you said 'I want to marry you'... did you mean it?"

Salix turned to look at him. His expression was unreadable.

"I don't say things I don't mean, Jay."

"Then why did you say it?"

Salix was quiet for a moment.

"Because I love you," he said. "Because I've loved you for eight years, and I'm tired of pretending I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I didn't ask you to pretend."

"I didn't ask you to propose to me in front of everyone."

"I don't remember proposing to you!"

"YOU DID! BABS HAS A PHOTO!"

"IT WASN'T ME!"

"IT WAS YOU!"

Roy, who had been quietly watching this entire exchange, raised his hand. "I just want to say, this is the best day of my life."

"ROY!" Dick shouted.

"What? It is! I'm getting to see a god-blooded Yōkai and a former Robin get engaged because someone's boyfriend broke his everything and now they're hiding in Bruce's bedroom! This is cinema!"

"You have a weird definition of cinema," Tim said.

"Bite me."

"ENOUGH!" Bruce's voice cut through the chaos like a knife.

The room went quiet.

Bruce looked at Salix. "You're getting married."

"Yes."

"You're marrying my son."

"Jason. Yes."

"You're going to be family."

"I've been family, Batsy."

"You're going to be my family."

"Yes."

Bruce was quiet for a long moment.

Then, very slowly, he smiled.

"Congratulations," he said. "I'm happy for you."

Salix stared at him. "That's it? No speech? No 'I'm going to kill you if you hurt him'?"

"I've seen the bruises on Jason's neck," Bruce said flatly. "I don't think I need to have that conversation."

Salix went red. "THAT'S NOT—"

"He's got a point, love," Jason said, grinning. "You really did a number on me."

"I KNOW WHAT I DID!"

"You did a very good number."

"STOP—"

"I'm going to take you back to the penthouse," Jason said, "and we're going to celebrate."

Salix opened his mouth to protest.

And then Jason kissed him again.

It was a long, deep kiss that left Salix breathless and leaning into Jason for support.

When they pulled apart, Salix's face was flush.

"You're a menace," Salix said.

"A menace who loves you."

"Fine," Salix said, and there was something fond in his voice. "I love you too."

Jason grinned.

"Now get out," Bruce said.

"Fine," Salix said. "But I'm telling Alfred."

"I'm going to tell Alfred," Jason said.

"Don't you dare."

"It's already too late," Tim said, holding up his phone. "I sent him a text. He's making a cake."

The room went silent.

"Tim," Salix said, his voice even, "you're dead."

"I'm going to get the cake," Dick said quickly. "I'm going to get the cake and we're going to have a celebration."

"YOU CANNOT CELEBRATE MY ENGAGEMENT WITHOUT ME!"

"YES WE CAN!" Roy shouted. "IT'S THE BEST ENGAGEMENT PARTY EVER!"

"YOU'RE NOT INVITED!"

"I'M INVITING MYSELF!"

"DAMIAN IS INVITING US!"

"DAMIAN LOVES ME!"

"DAMIAN HATES EVERYONE!"

"I'M NOT EVERYONE!"

"YOU'RE THE WORST!"

"THAT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT!"

The chaos continued for exactly four more minutes.

And then, somewhere in the middle of the arguing, Jason pulled Salix close.

"You know what," Jason said, grinning down at him. "I think this is the best day of my life."

Salix smiled.

And then he kissed him.

And the world, for just a moment, was perfect.