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Just......floating.
That's all I can really feel. The floating of water around me as I drift around in the River. It's not too deep, but still, I can't even see the surface anymore from where I am. I hope this can help someone. Just anyone. Maybe even him. Maybe things won't be so bad for everyone else, when I'm gone? Maybe...
I can't feel anything at all, actually. Just that the water, although it was cold, is now a little bit warm. It's nice. It's very peaceful down here. I can finally think.
Thinking....hm...what do I have to think about? Well...I suppose there's the reason I'm here at all..? Yeah, that'd be nice. To recollect, I suppose. My memory is bad, but I feel like I can remember more in the quiet. I can try, I suppose.
I'll do that.
It was about 6 months ago, I think. Hinata-kun told me he loved me. I didn't believe it at all at first. He told me he had for ages and ages- almost a year, he'd told me. I thought, there's no way. No way in hell someone like him could've ever loved something like me. I'm disgusting, awful, *worthless*- someone as beautiful and kind and....hopeful as him, loving me? Never. I laughed and asked him "Is this some kind of new joke, or prank? You know I don't catch onto those fast enough, Hinata-kun..." but he seemed upset. He told me he would never joke about something like that, not at all, not ever. I was confused. Clearly, so was he. He asked me if I loved him too and I told him "of course I do! How could anybody not...the hope you have is so beautiful- *You're* so beautiful..". As soon as I'd said those words I regretted them- I meant them with every bone in my useless body, but nobody likes when I go on my tangents like that- especially not Hinata-kun.
But he smiled. He smiled at me.
He told me he understood, and that he felt the same way about me, if it made it easier for me to understand. I didn't really know what to do with myself then. How is anybody supposed to react to being told that? I think I started crying, which is bad. I hate crying, especially in front of people. It makes my face get all sticky and gross, and it's so embarrassing. I told him "I'm sorry, you must think I'm so gross now, crying like this over that", but he didn't. He said he didn't think that, and he sat closer to me. He put his hand on my shoulder, and told me it was okay, and that sometimes things like this can be hard to process, and that crying isn't gross at all. He told me it was okay.
I truly felt like the luckiest man alive. Hinata-kun, telling me he loves me, telling me he loves me the same way I love him, telling me I'm not gross. I almost thought it was a dream, but it wasn't.
When I saw him the next day, meeting up with everybody else we're friends with, he smiled at me, he sat next to me. He normally did this, but it felt different. He sat closer than normal, the smile looked...different. warmer. I smiled back at him. He talked to the others for a bit, and I sat there in silence, just like normal. When 2 other people were talking- Kazuichi and Gundham, if i remember correctly, he brushed his shoulder against mine. Why on earth would he do that? I thought. He's quite a touchy person, always has his hand on someone's shoulder, hugging as a greeting, holding hands to lead people places- he always has been, and it's always escaped me why he would ever want to touch me. I'm cold and bony, and my hair is always tangled and greasy. I'm sure it can't be pleasant- but nevertheless, he always did. And with the context behind it then, it felt even more baffling. I didn't move away though.
A few hours later, he caught me alone, walking behind the others. He carefully slipped his hand into mine, and asked me how I was. He'd not done that before- I was startled, but accepted it. I was still confused about quite alot, and I guess he realised that, because he asked me if I really did love him back. I said yes, of course I did. I'm not one to lie too often. He asked me if I'd like to make it "official" between the two of us, because he did. The way he explained everything so clearly- taking into account my tendency to misunderstand, leaving no room for miscommunication or anything- almost made me cry again. He always had such a way with words. I didn't cry though, instead I nodded and squeezed his hand, and the smile on his face afterwards....God...I'll never be able to forget it. Just how happy he looked. But not only that, how happy he looked because of me. It's still a mystery to me how on earth I made him feel that way, but I suppose we can't know all the answers, can we?
Everything went so well. Too well. Over the months, we would hang out almost every day, or maybe call instead if we couldn't. We would tell each other everything, help each other out with anything. In public he would hold my hand, and maybe kiss my face when nobody was looking. We would sometimes stay over at each other's houses sometimes, just to sleep next to each other. And it was lovely. Being trusted, being in good company, being held. Being loved. He told me that it was my call as to whether people knew or not, as he didn't mind- neither did I- but we both agreed that If that was the case, then we would just wait it out to see if it came up in conversation, or if anybody asked. Inevitably it did, of course, and the others were.....well, just as confused as I was really, but they didn't have any real issues!
As much as I was happy, as much as I was finally feeling safe to exist around another person, there was- of course- that ever-present, nagging feeling I get when anything good happens. It won't last. Nothing ever does. Or at least, something bad is going to happen. And with all this building, and building, and building- I felt it was going to happen anytime. And it did.
Not too long ago, maybe 2 months? I'm unsure...although, the time doesn't really matter. Hinata-kun and I found a dog in the road. It was alive, but shaken up, and a little bloody. Just a few scratches though, the vet said. It was a stray, cute little black labrador, maybe 4 years old. I suggested that we keep it, and Hinata-kun agreed. It lived mostly at his house, as the apartment block I live in doesn't allow pets, but with how often we see each other, it doesn't really matter anyway. We named him Lamp, because when we first got him he would always respond to that for some reason, and it was funny. He was so cute and energetic, always hopping around and biting things and barking, but so affectionate and sweet too. It's such a shame I had to ruin it. The 3 of us were on a walk- Wednesday afternoon 3 weeks ago I think it was, and Hinata insisted that I held the leash for once. I almost never do, because I'm not too strong, and- like I said- Lamp was very, very energetic. But he insisted it would be fine, and that I should try for a moment. I took the leash from him. First mistake.
It was all okay for a minute, I thought we were going to be fine, until Lamp saw something somewhere that he wanted, and started pulling at the leash. I tried my best to keep hold of it, but it slipped out of my hand and he ran off. The both of us tried to keep up, but it was no use. Hinata-kun was devastated, as much as I'd loved Lamp myself, he always much preferred him over me- I suppose it's because he lived at Hinata-kun's house, so it's to be expected, but I hated seeing Him so upset, especially because of me.
Because it was my fault. I'm not stupid, I knew what it was. It was my luck- all the good that'd built and built and built over half a year with almost no payment for it-- all of it'd come round, and now this'd happened. I didn't know what to say, really. Sorry? Or...I didn't mean it? Hinata-kun had heard over and over from me that I didn't think us being so close was a good idea, because I knew something bad would happen, so...I told you so? But...none of that felt right. So I just said nothing. After a while we started walking home, past my house. Normally we would go straight to his, and then I'd get the bus home later, or stay over, but we were going the way that led to my house. I tried to take his hand, but he moved away. I'm sure this meant he knew. So sure. He was regretting ever getting closer to me- maybe reconsidering ever talking to me ever again after this- I mean, I would understand if that was the case, after all. I've never been good at the whole "being in a relationship" thing in the first place, and then after that? Well I would understand if he wanted to smash my head in- I would be glad, in fact. It's what I deserve after all; Causing all this.
He dropped me off at my building, and I went upstairs and inside. I caused all of that. All I could think about, the sadness, the despair on his face after the dog ran off. I caused it. I don't deserve to even ever see him again- I couldn't even imagine what would happen if I was to go see him again.
So I didn't.
I messaged him, and we had phone calls, but since then, I haven't seen him. Good. It feels almost physically painful for me to be away from him for so long, but it's for the better. It isn't like he was reaching out anyways- he was probably just as distant as I was- maybe he would agree! That would make sense. I should stay away. I can't risk anything else bad happening. He could get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. Never.
Today, earlier, he messaged me something about someone finding Lamp- I sort of skimmed over most of the text, but I got out of it that he wasn't in good condition. It's my fault. It all is my fault. If only I hadn't gotten so close- if only I hadn't gotten so *selfish*- none of this would've happened. I never would’ve had to see Hinata-kun so upset. I never want to have to see that again. I never want him to feel so hopeless because of some worthless trash such as myself. He deserves so much better.
So I suppose that’s why I'm here now. Floating around in the gross river at the park. I wonder how long I've been in here for- I mean, I can still think, so maybe not too long, but then again, I can't seem to open my eyes or move at all, so maybe I'm unconscious? I don't really care. All that matters is that I'll be dead soon. Maybe this is a little bit drastic, but it's truly for the best. I can't hurt anybody else if I'm dead, after all! Nothing feels like anything anymore. All I can faintly feel is the water around me moving, and my clothes occasionally brushing my skin.
The sounds of my own thoughts get quieter, and quieter, and quieter, and quieter.......
And suddenly I'm elsewhere. I can feel something pressing against my chest rhythmically, I can faintly hear yelling in the background- and suddenly I can open my eyes. I sit up quickly but before I can even process anything my eyes are forced shut again as I start choking up water- it's actually impressive, just the sheer quantity of it. I didn't even know that was possible. Everything seems blurry- my eyes sting, and I can feel someone grabbing my shoulders. There's 2 voices. Both...familiar? One angrier than the other. Women, definitely.
The world starts coming back a little more into focus, and I see the person in front of me. Red hair...greenish brown eyes...freckles...ah, I do know her. Mahiru. And if Mahiru is here then...yep, there's a very angry, and very soggy-looking Hiyoko over to the side. It looks like she's on the phone with someone.
Mahiru is kneeling in front of me, her hands on my shoulders, also shaking me for some reason?
"Komaeda??? Are you there?? Can you hear me at all!?" She sounds panicked. I didn’t mean to stress her out.
"A-ah, yeah, I can hear you Koizumi-san." My voice is much quieter than normal- my throat feels like sandpaper, which is ironic considering the amount of water I just threw up.
"Oh thank GOD!! Hiyoko- he's conscious." She says.
"About damn time!!! God, I was getting forehead wrinkles just thinking about it. I'm gonna be ugly and it's gonna be HIS FAULT!!" Hiyoko yells over at us before going back to her phone conversation, also informing whoever's on the other end that I'm okay.
"Hiyoko don't be rude!- I'm sorry about that- are you okay? What happened? How did you even end up in the river??" Mahiru asks frantically, now realising how close she was sitting to me and shuffling back just a bit.
"The moron probably tripped and fell- y’know, you're SO lucky I saw you fall and decided to save you. Ruined my evening walk, and made me get my hair wet. You owe me BIG TIME."
"Aah, I'm sorry, really I am- you didn't have to do all that for someone like me...." It's a struggle to put together a cohesive sentence, too many thoughts in my head, but none of them are clear enough. It almost makes me want to jump back into where it was calm, although I can't do that.
"HelLOOOOO??? Are we going to get an explanation anytime soon??? Mahi-chan asked you what happened, so you better start explaining, dumbass." It doesn't sound like her normal angry tone- it's clear she's a little shaken up, too. Maybe she is worried! I'm honored...
"Hiyoko for God's sake!! Stop yelling at him would you!? He just nearly drowned! Cut him some slack. But yes, I would like to know what happened, even if it’s just as simple as you tripped- it'd be helpful to know to tell Mikan when she gets here."
Hiyoko grumbles something about a "stupid pig head...", but Mahiru doesn't bring it up.
"Oh yes, sorry about that. If you really wanted to know, I jumped"
"You WHAT-!?" Hiyoko yelps- a second ago she was pretending not to pay attention, but she's clearly given up on that.
"Sorry, am I being too quiet? I-"
"We heard you the first time, Komaeda- why on earth would you do that!!? Did something happen??? Oh my god. Oh my." She seems incredibly stressed now- I'm inconveniencing people even *more*. This really backfired, didn't it.
"Ah, I'm sorry, I shouldn't've said- I didn't mean to stress you out, Koizumi-san.."
"You- I- that's not what I-" she seems lost for words, damn it. I really fucked up, didn't I? Luckily for her, she doesn't have to scramble for words much longer, as a few more people show up. Mikan, with her first aid kit, Nekomaru, I suppose in case they needed help lifting me? Although I'm not too heavy, I'm unsure why they'd need him. Of course if he's here, then Akane probably is too, which she is, and strangely enough, behind them, is Hajime. I wouldn't've thought he'd want to see me, especially not right now. He looks worried. Funny, I would've expected him to be angry at me- although maybe I just can't see his face properly. That’s probably it.
"W-we're here-!! What h-happened? Is he ok-kay??" Mikan stutters out, fumbling to open her first-aid kit while still speed-walking over to where we are on the grassy floor of the riverbank.
"Daaamn you look like shit man- I mean I guess almost drowning would do that to ya" Akane states- as blunt as always I guess. Maybe a little too unbothered, but It's fine. Nekomaru starts talking to Akane about something- probably related in some way, but I can't properly hear. I'm too busy watching Hajime make his way over slowly. Not slow like he doesn't care, more like he isn't sure how he's supposed to approach. Now he's closer I can definitely see the concerned expression on his face. I still can't see why. Shouldn't he be upset that I'm still here? Ready to screw things up again? If I were him I would be. He walks over and stands beside Nekomaru and Akane, while Mikan kneels down in front of Mahiru and I.
"S-so, what h-happened? Did he t-trip and fall in-?" Mikan asks cautiously.
"Well, not exac-"
"The stupid bastard said he JUMPED!!" Hiyoko chimes in, clearly oh so very calm. (sarcasm)
That makes everyone pay much more attention- Akane and Nekomaru pause their conversation abruptly, both shocked, and Mikan looks like she's going to faint. Hajime's eyes widen, his expression morphing from concern to horror in a second or 2. If it turned out he wasn't mad before, he definitely was now.
"Oh shit-- for real-!?" Akane coughs out, breaking the silence. I look around, waiting for someone else to chime in, but apparently that wasn't rhetorical, so I nod.
"Yes, that'd be true, Owari-san."
The air was so tense it felt like if someone threw a rock into it, it'd bounce off. It seems nobody really knew what to say to that. Nobody'd really had a run-in with this sort of thing before, so it's expected. Maybe Mikan has, actually, but she looks like she's about to faint on the spot, so I don't expect all too much from her right now.
The next couple minutes are a little bit blurry. They all sort of fade into one another. Mahiru and Hiyoko explained the situation to everyone else, how Hiyoko saw me fall into the river and they ran over to fish me out, how I apparently took a while to wake up, and how they weren't really sure what to do. That last one came up alot. Mikan did her checkup on me to make sure I wasn't hurt at all- besides from a few scratches and bruises I should be fine, apparently, although I should be very very careful, and if anything starts going wrong I need to go to the hospital. Also that I should really head home as soon as I can, since I'm freezing. After that, Mahiru, Hiyoko, Akane, Nekomaru, and her all dissipated slowly, leaving just me, and Hajime. He just..looks at me. He seems absolutely terrified. Almost in disbelief.
I decide to break the silence.
"Um...Hinata-kun..are you...okay?"
Just more staring. Maybe he really is mad at me, and doesn't even want to spare me the words to tell me. I'd understand, of course.
"H-hinata?" I will try again. I'm sort of worried now, what if he's frozen up? I'm not really sure how it works, but I've heard it can happen. Before I can ask again though, he starts walking towards me slowly, but his feet are unsteady, almost cautious. Once he's standing directly in front of me, he grabs me by my shoulders and pulls me to my feet. Ah, so this must be it then- he's realised that I'm just as worthless as I say, and he's going to beat me up or something- honestly I'm a little surprised it's taken this long, I mean surely I can't be that easy to pretend to deal with, so it makes sense. I'm just wondering if he's going to break my legs, or smack me, or throw me back in the river-
And my thoughts get cut off as I feel him wrap his arms around me. Very tightly- I almost can't breathe. So he's going to suffocate me? Not really a conventional approach, but when has Hajime ever been conventional? But then I feel something warm and damp on my shoulder, and it isn't my soaked shirt.
He's crying. Hajime is crying. I've never seen him cry before, it's new. Foreign. I'm really unsure how to react- I seem to not know how to respond to alot recently. I wrap my arms around him too- sort of seems like the right thing for this. He's holding me so tightly I almost can't breathe, but I don't think he's trying to kill me anymore. He almost seems more desperate than angry.
"U-uhm...Hinata-kun I'm...I'm sorry-" I manage to choke out. It sounds more like a question than a statement, I suppose it is. Am I supposed to be sorry? Surely I am, right? After all, the whole situation is mostly my fault, isn't it? I mean, if it weren't for my luck, none of this would've happened at all. I feel his arms tighten a little more around me, and he shakes his head.
"Don't. Don't say that, you...don't. Please."
I'm not really sure what he means at all, but it probably means I said the wrong thing. Damn it. I almost want to apologise again, but that might've been what upset him in the first place.
We stay like that for a while. Maybe it's been 5 minutes, maybe it's been 10? I'm not really sure, I've always been bad at timings. It's a little awkward, I guess, just standing here. I'm not opposed, but my knees are starting to hurt a little bit, and I really am cold.
"Are you okay, Hinata-kun?" I ask, maybe that's right. He finally lifts his head off my shoulder and looks at me dead in the eyes.
"Am I okay-?? Nagito you...God, Nagito you tried to kill yourself and you're asking me if I'm okay?? Sometimes I truly do wonder if you have your head screwed on straight..." He's trying to make a joke, but he isn't smiling.
"I understand that, but you've just been crying into my shoulder for the last....a good while- you've never done that. It's not the reaction I was expecting."
"Wh- well what reaction were you expecting??"
"Well, truth be told, I thought you'd be angry at me." He looks absolutely baffled.
"What- Nagito, why on earth would I be mad at you?? For what?"
Seems it's my turn to be shocked-- how could he possibly not know?? All of everything that happened was my fault!
"Why would you not be? I messed everything up. You should be."
"But for what!? What do you think you ruined??" I didn't think a person could be so visually confused- it's actually kind of funny.
"Well, it was my fault the dog ran off- I was holding the leash, it was my luck. I knew it would come back to bite me at some point, and you were so upset when it happened. And then he got found hurt as well, I thought you'd be furious! You didn't message me much after either- I assumed you didn't want to talk to me."
"Nagito, is this why you've been so distant? Because you thought I was mad at you about that? Why would I be- it wasn't your fault at all!"
"But it was!! It was my luck, Hinata-kun. I warned you that this would happen. I got too selfish, indulging in all the nice things. Letting you hang around me. My luck was too good, it was going to come back around at some point, and it did." I don't remember when I started raising my voice, but I can hear myself echoing almost in the quiet air.
Hajime looks stunned, probably not expecting the outburst.
"But then...why did you..why did you do this, though. I don't understand- you didn't seriously try to...to do that, because of this, right?" He doesn't even want to say it- I can't understand why. I can explain this easily though- I think it's understandable.
"Because of your message earlier- you said that someone found Lamp, and he was badly hurt- I knew it was probably my luck's fault. Maybe it was...a little drastic of me, I suppose, but it's ultimately for the best, right? I thought that maybe if I wasn't kicking about, then my bad luck wouldn't interfere with him getting better." It's a little awkward to say out loud; the logic made much more sense in my head than it does speaking it aloud.
"You're telling me you....fuck, Nagito-" he hugs me tightly again, "The dog is fine, Nagito. That doesn't matter right now- did you even read the message? I said he was hurt, but apparently he'll recover quickly."
Ah, shit... that makes things even more awkward. I did all this for nothing, then."
"I...skimmed it.." whatever I was planning to say after that faded off. I really tried to kill myself over something that stupid, huh? And I thought I had sense. Guess I really am dense.
"Ah...I guess that was pretty stupid of me. Wasn't it."
"Yes. It was." He squeezes his arms around me for a second. He definitely doesn't seem angry though, instead he sounds more relieved.
"I'm sorry for worrying y-"
"Don't apologise. No more of that. You've done enough apologising."
"Sor-"
"What did I literally just say, Nagito."
"It's a reflex >:/"
He chuckles into my shoulder. It's nice to hear him laugh again after so long. Well, just under 2 weeks, but it felt like so much longer.
"C'mon, let's go home. You're freezing."
I realise I'm shivering quite a bit- like visibly, how did i not notice that?
"Oh yeah, you're right. Okay then."
He takes my hand in his and gives it a quick squeeze, smiling at me before starting to walk.
We got back to his house pretty fast. We didn't bother going the scenic route we normally walk, as it was getting colder as the sun fully set. I was shivering pretty badly, and Hajime kept mumbling to himself about how he wished he brought a jacket with him. But I'm much warmer now. I just got out of the shower, and Hajime's currently in there. I sort of didn't want to let him, I've spent so much time without him that I don't think I can bear another hour, but it'd be unfair of me to stop him from showering. I can wait a few more minutes. Maybe it's a good thing though, as it gives me more time to think. If I can. I think actually, I'm too tired to think. Nearly drowning would probably do that to you.
I'm pretty comfortable actually, I quite like the sofa at Hajime's house. It's brown, and the fabric looks like it would be scratchy, but it's actually quite soft. It's second hand, it was also only ¥6500 (Google said that's about £30 apparently sorry if that's wrong ????????), but surprisingly for that price it's quite good quality, and was in great condition when it arrived. I also have a blanket, it's my second favourite one, my favourite is at home. It's a sort of forest green, and made out of this fleece material, which used to be much softer, but it’s been washed a few times, so it's a tad worn. My favourite one is red, and is actually less a blanket, and more just a duvet that was- for some odd reason- dyed a dark orange colour? The previous residents of my apartment left it in the airing cupboard, so finders keepers. I practically live in that thing when I'm at home. I could fall asleep right now, but I want to wait for Hajime to come back first. Sounds stupid, but I don't really care. I don't want to spend another evening without him for a while.
As if the thought summoned him, Hajime comes out of his bedroom. His hair is still damp and it still looks all messy from drying it. I think he looks best like this, when he isn't trying so hard to look put-together. His honesty is so pretty.
"Hey" he says, walking over. He sits next to me and lifts the blanket up over his lap too.
"Feeling better?" He puts his head on my shoulder.
"Much better. Thank you." I turn slightly, facing him a bit more. He pulls me a little closer, and I let him. We stay like that for a while in silence, but it's not awkward like earlier. It's comfortable. Warm.
"I'm awfully selfish, aren't I?" I mumble
"Why's that? I don't think so.." he responds, one hand gently trailing up my back to rest on the back of my neck, his fingers curling a lock of my hair around themselves.
"Living so comfortably like this. Blankets, cushions, warm showers and..You. All this will level out again. I know it. It just happened. It will again"
He frowns slightly. "You aren't selfish for enjoying things, Nagito. What makes you think this is just good luck, anyway?"
"Well, I suppose it's because it's...a good thing. That's happening to me. Wouldn't that be good luck?" Of course it's good luck! What else could it be?
"I think of luck as more of an in the moment thing, y'know? Like finding money on the ground, or narrowly catching the bus cuz of a delay. If something lasts this long, is it really just luck? Or is it possible, hear me out here, that good things can happen?" I think the end was sarcasm, although it's not particularly well timed- whatever, I don't mind. But....i've never really thought about luck that way. It's an interesting interpretation.
"That's...that's an odd way of looking at it, Hinata-kun. But I think I see what you mean. That lucky occurrences don't last this long?" He hums, confirming.
"I think that this's been going on for longer than it should've, if it was down to just your good luck."
"..You've got such a way with words, y'know? The way you say things is so...convincing."
He chuckles. "You've said before :)"
I smile and rest my head on his chest. It's incredibly comfortable. Despite the previous conversation, I still can't help but think of how lucky I got to be here. Curled up under a nice, warm blanket on a cold evening with someone as wonderful as Hajime is.
"You really worried me, y'know?" His voice is much quieter than normal. Sincere.
"Ah, yes. I'm really sorry about this eveni-"
"Not just this evening. Since it happened. Please don't just shut me out like that. If you need space, tell me. I'd understand."
That..makes sense, I think.
"Alright. I won't. Sorry for worrying you, Hinata-kun."
"I thought i told you to stop apologising!! >://"
I chuckle, relaxing slightly more. I suddenly feel so much more tired than I did- maybe it's because I'm not as confused about everything. I wrap my arms around Hajime's waist, pulling myself slightly closer to him.
I think, even if I am being selfish, right now, I really don't care. I'll allow myself this for now.
And I drift off to sleep.