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Tsukishima Kei wasn’t sure whether he felt intense rage or genuine confusion when he was woken up by familiar ringing. Whatever the time was, it was too early to register emotions properly. He opened his eyes but that didn’t too much since it was dark, which made him realize the time must’ve been something around midnight. Tsukishima blindly reached for his phone and glasses that lay on the desk beside his bed so that he could see who dared calling him at this time. The clock on the blinding screen showed 2:54 in the morning. Oh . He was now pretty sure he felt anger. Just as he swore he would kill the caller, he read the contact name.
Yamaguchi Tadashi.
Accepting the call, Tsukishima let out a tired sigh. “Hello.” He felt he was ready to face whatever Yamaguchi had in store for him. He would make his friend sorry for calling him in the middle of the night. He didn’t bother questioning why Yamaguchi had called as he decided that this was the first and the last time he disturbed his quiet night.
“H-hey,” was Yamaguchi’s shaky response that made some of Tsukishima’s anger dissolve. Only some of, though. There was no reason for Yamaguchi to call him like this, not when he could wait until Monday morning which was just a few hours away. What could have made him so impatient?
Still, Tsukishima waited silently for his friend to explain himself, prepared to spit out some toxic truths if that was needed. He could barely hear Yamaguchi take a few deep breaths in order to calm down. Goddammit, it was so hard to be mad at him longer than a second. He sounded so vulnerable.
“Um, sorry… Tsukki. I just...” Yamaguchi gathered his words for a few seconds. “What do-- do you think-- what, I mean, how cold is the water at this time of the year?”
“What?” he said in a monotone voice, his teeth pressing tight together.
“I mean, how fast do you think a person could die from hypothermia? At that, um...” Yamaguchi explained something but Tsukishima couldn’t hear it anymore as a hint of panic sunk in. It was as if something big was climbing on his back on a way to his neck. He suddenly felt cold. All his irritation was now completely gone as he simply tried reading the situation. Where did this come from? What was Yamaguchi saying? His voice attempted to be carefree and light but in that horrible way that couldn’t hide the fact that Yamaguchi seemed to be not like himself at all. Tsukishima couldn’t remember the last time Yamaguchi had tried something like that.
As Yamaguchi kept babbling nervously with a horrible excuse something about a strange movie, Tsukishima thought about the truth behind his question. Did Yamaguchi really think Tsukishima wouldn’t realize? He guessed that his friend was too much in an unstable condition to care at the moment.
“Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said with a low tone. It immediately silenced Yamaguchi.
“Oh...” It was the only thing Yamaguchi said, and Tsukishima wondered if he finally realized what he was actually talking about. He could almost feel the fear and regret emanating from the phone. “Oh, um, sorry for bothering, Tsukki. I-- you should go to sleep, I should let you sleep, I don’t know what came into me, sorry, I’ll hang up...”
“Wait!” It was Yamaguchi’s distancing ramble of sorrys that couldn’t stop Tsukishima from raising his voice but he couldn’t let Yamaguchi go. He hoped his mother was still asleep. ”Yamaguchi, don’t-- don’t leave.” ‘Me’ he wanted to add but he couldn’t get the word out, his voice just died before that. The other end of the line was silent, waiting. Tsukishima swallowed, suddenly realizing his throat was dry. “Are you… Are you going to...”
Tsukishima couldn’t even finish his sentence but he didn’t need to. He heard a heavy sigh.
“Sorry, Tsukki.” The apology was barely audible. “I’m sorry.”
Even though Yamaguchi made it absolutely clear with that exhausted broken statement, Tsukishima managed to ask: “Are you going to hurt yourself?” The hair on the back of his neck stood up, and he could feel his hands shaking a bit. Him asking the question made this situation feel too real and he didn’t want to believe it. Yamaguchi’s answered with silence. Although it was more like he answered with his ragged breaths. Tsukishima swallowed again. He was terrified.
“I’m… I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Yamaguchi said after a million years, or that’s what it felt like. “Without… And-- and the others as well.” There was some kind of relief in his voice even though it was shaky. Perhaps this was the first time he had said these thoughts aloud.
“No. No no no no, we won’t, I can’t do that Yamaguchi, I--” Tsukishima mouthed words in order to get them together.
Tsukishima flinched slightly when he heard Yamaguchi’s short laugh, that disgusting fake laugh that helped him cope with himself and not break down right there that instant. It was terribly unnatural and hoarse. It tried to imply that Tsukishima was just being a little bit silly. “There’s really no need, no need, for me to be here, I… I hate myself. And it’s not like anyone’s world would collapse if I was gone.” That made Tsukishima’s heart sink lower and lower.
“What about,” Tsukishima desperately called out, “what about your mother, your father, and, what about all your friends, volleyball team? That’s--”
“Obviously they would get over it.” His voice was so calm now. This seemed to be easier to say. Had he ever implied something like this before? Tsukishima tried to recall any situation where Yamaguchi had said anything like this, and nothing came to mind. He wondered if that would have made it easier for him to say it… or for Tsukishima to hear it. It wouldn’t.
“I-- I wouldn’t. I… Come on, Yamaguchi, I-- you know I wouldn’t-- I wouldn’t be anywhere without you.” God, how difficult was it to get those words out of your mouth when it actually mattered a whole lot? This is what his dear friend needed to hear right now but Tsukishima barely got the words out. Why was he like this? It was pathetic, he was pathetic. He needs you , he thought. Just be there for him .
Why hadn’t Yamaguchi told him before? Didn’t he trust him? He started feeling… really guilty. It was because Tsukishima was so unapproachable, wasn’t it? Was Yamaguchi afraid that he would belittle him or something? It was him. He couldn’t even call himself Yamaguchi’s friend. So pathetic . What was he even thinking? He thought, he could have sworn Yamaguchi felt needed now and had learned to appreciate himself more. It was stupid of him to think that, like it would be that simple after years of self-doubt.
When he heard nothing, the panic in him started to rise. He shoved his useless thoughts aside: they weren’t needed right now.
“Y-yamaguchi?” His voice was barely a whisper.
“I’m sorry, Tsukki.” He was so relieved to hear Yamaguchi’s voice again, he was still there. He seemed to be crying but he was still there. “I’m so sorry… I hate feeling this way.”
“Shh, it’s okay,” Tsukishima hurried to say. Everyone he’d ever known would have been surprised by how gentle his voice was. He needed to be gentle and calm. Even though he was scared he would lose his friend just by a few wrong words. Yamaguchi was anxious enough. It wouldn’t do any good if Tsukishima started panicking, he could make Yamaguchi feel even worse. He tried thinking up any ways to give Yamaguchi something to look forward to. Something that could give Yamaguchi at least one reason to keep living. “Hey, Yamaguchi, I’ll come over to your house in the morning. I’ll expect you to be there, alright? We can… Go for a walk. Walk to school and join the morning practise if you’re up to it.”
Silence again. He wondered if it wasn’t enough: he knew Yamaguchi loved little casual things like that but he wasn’t sure if that was the case right now. Maybe he was too tired for those. Then he heard shuffling.
“Yeah… Yeah, alright.” Yamaguchi sniffled. “I should… let you sleep now.”
“Are you sure? I can stay on the phone if you want.” He wanted Yamaguchi to sleep but he also was afraid to let go.
“No, I don’t want to keep you awake any longer. I promise I’ll be there when you come in the morning.”
That sounded honest. He trusted his friend. “You try to sleep too, okay?”
“Yeah, I’m... I think I’m too tired to keep my eyes open anymore.” Yamaguchi did sound more tired than before. Maybe this was exactly what Yamaguchi needed. He just needed to tell someone and maybe cry a little? Tsukishima had no idea since he was in no way familiar with such a situation. Maybe they both could just use some sleep now once they had expressed their emotions. “I’m gonna hang up now. I’ll see you… in a few hours.”
“See you,” he whispered softly before Yamaguchi hung up.
Tsukishima held his phone in his hand long after that. He just sat on the edge of his bed, taking it all in. He sighed as he put his phone and glasses back on the desk. Tsukishima could feel tears forming in his eyes so he tried to bury his face in his arms. He couldn’t tell how long he was in that position but once he felt calm enough, Tsukishima laid down on his bed and threw the covers up to his chin. The only thing keeping him from staying up the rest of the night in worry was the guilt that Yamaguchi would feel for calling if he saw how tired Tsukishima looked in the morning. He closed his eyes and tried to convince himself that his friend wouldn't leave him.