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The last of the party’s diehards were sitting around the fire at Bood’s house after the party had well ended. Most were trying to sober up enough to drive home, meanwhile Shane was on his second beer. Instead of showing up fashionably late, he showed up embarrassingly late, and he was glad he did. He had not yet run out of social battery.
Ilya, on the other hand, was strangely sober. He’d stopped drinking before Shane had even showed up.
It was interesting, seeing the flip side of a party. He never usually stayed this long.
But the goodwill was flowing and the bonding seemed to be running deep. He wasn’t going to mess with that.
Cassie was tucked deep into Boodram’s side, half-falling asleep. Since he had nowhere to drive, he had a bottle of whatever he’d given Shane when he’d shown up, and it was resting on the arm of the chair they were sitting in. They both looked incredibly content.
Haas was sitting by himself on a folding chair with not one, but two bottles of water. Shane wanted to ask if he thought he’d get sober twice as fast that way, but that didn’t seem to be the mood of the ‘room,’ as it were.
He’d been pretty quiet during the tales of first times and strange run-ins with exes. Shane wondered if the discussion was making him uncomfortable.
Harris was sitting in Troy’s lap and they were both working on matching pop cans. Apparently Harris’ first time involved a walk of shame (or victory, depending on how you looked at it) across a porch roof.
Ilya was sitting on a log beside Shane, who was lying on his side on a pulled-over bench. Ilya looked incredibly rugged and he’d probably have to do something about that later.
Lisa and Wyatt were in the grass on a blanket, practically twisted up in each other.
“Ok… So keep in mind, every spare room at my mother’s is filled. And my uncle and aunt are sleeping in the living room. But my mom won’t let Lisa and me share a room because we’re ‘just dating’ and ‘not even engaged.’’’
Lisa scrunched her eyes closed that her husband was even telling this story. Wyatt didn’t notice and just continued. “But it’s been like four days, so I was like… set your phone alarm to vibrate and set it for for 1 a.m. and sneak over to my room.”
Lisa interrupted. “Which was fine. Everything was fine. Except… This dork has a picture of Iron Man above his childhood bed. So the whole time we’re doing it, Iron Man is looking down at me, judging my life choices to date a hockey player with a glow-in-the-dark Star Wars kite hanging from the ceiling above his bed.”
There were a few snickers from the very small crowd. Typical Hayzy for sure.
She continued. “That’s when I realized, fuck me, I was in love with this guy. Because, like, why was I getting up in the middle of the night to bang some guy with such catastrophically bad taste? Anyways, 3.5 seconds before I was going to come, his mom opened the bedroom door and screamed ‘AH HAH!’ Because she knew exactly what the hell we were doing.” She buried her head in her hand. “I haven’t been able to look at that woman in the eye since.”
Shane knew he would have just died. He laughed, maybe a little too loudly. But no one really noticed, because they were likewise amused.
Ilya put down his water beside him. “Absolute worst getting caught story is not even mine. Well, it is mine. But I was doing the catching. Walked in on two ladies, Marley, and this judgmental doberman watching them all. Doberman was apparently guarding them and ran me right out his condo door, down the steps, caught a piece of my jeans, and chased till I was back into my car. I drove right the hell home, my ass bruised from his teeth almost getting hold. Anyway, Marley calls me, pissed that I disturbed the dog!”
Everyone cracked up, but Shane groaned. “That was awful. I didn’t need to know that Marley likes it when dogs watch. Now I can’t look at him seriously anymore.”
“I have to look him in the eye all the time and pretend that I do not know this about him,” Ilya said. “You can too. Oh! A time *I* almost got caught.” He looked over at his husband. “You do not know this.”
“Oh no,” Shane said, sitting up. “How horrifying is this going to be?”
“You will probably die when I tell this.” Ilya paused, waiting for permission.
Shane sighed. “Well, tell it if you’re gonna.”
Ilya grinned. “Ok. So first time we hook up.”
“Oh Jesus Christ,” Shane moans. He knows this is going to be terrible. “How the hell did you almost get caught?”
“I came up a little early. Is polite to be on-time, right?”
“You were two minutes late,” Shane pointed out.
“I came up early. And who do I meet on the elevator? YUNA. She is staring right at me, and I am like… oh shit. She knows. Oh shit… I almost turned around and went back to my room.”
Shane turned red. “Oh goddamn. She’d just come up to check on me.”
Bood raised a large hand, halting the story. “Wait—when was this? Why was your mother checking on you?”
“She’s my manager but it wasn’t really that. She’s my mom and I was teenager and—”
“A TEENAGER?” Troy shouted, moving to stand and almost dumping Harris off of his lap. “WHAT?”
“—And I guess she was afraid I’d do something stupid all on my own. And she was right. I did do something stupid.” He reached over and gave his husband a pat on the leg.
Ilya cracked up. “Fuck off,” he told Shane. “Anyway, I went up an extra floor and then came down the steps because I was paranoid.”
“Oh man, that’s why you were late?”
“Two minutes is not late.”
“It’s technically late. I spent those two minutes freaking out.”
“If Yuna would have said more to me than she did, I would have freaked out too,” Ilya said truthfully.
“Really? You seemed like you had your shit so completely together.”
Ilya rolled his eyes. “I, too, was a stupid teenager.”
“I think we should back up to you two being teenagers at ALL,” Zane thundered, demanding answers.
Wyatt nodded vigorously. “Yes, back the fuck up, please. We figured you didn’t get together until like 2017.”
“It was waaaaay back when we were young and innocent,” Ilya said dreamily.
“You were never innocent,” Troy told him.
“True,” Ilya said, holding up his water.
Lisa’s brow furrowed. “And you hid that long? That’s so sad. I’m sorry, guys.”
There were a chorus of nods that instantly made both Shane and Ilya uncomfortable.
Having no idea what to do other than press on with the story, Shane folded his legs back onto the bench and laid back on is side. “So… we did this shoot the summer before our rookie year. And that’s why my mom was there, because I was an infant like Haas.”
“I am not an infant!” he protested.
“A tiny child,” Ilya amended. He wasn’t a rookie anymore.
“Like I was saying—a tiny child, and CCM booked the rooms, otherwise I probably wouldn’t have had my own room, even. My mom wasn’t strict, exactly. She was just always up in my shit. Which is only slightly different to now where she’s only seventy percent up in my shit. So a super huge thank you to CCM for making my first hookup possible.”
“We owe them fruit basket,” Ilya murmured, patting Shane’s shoe. “Do you know who apparently has never been caught?” Ilya announced loudly. “Troy! Tell us your secrets, Troy. How have you remained uncaught?”
Troy put his can in the grass beside him. “What about Luca?”
Ilya waved a hand. “He is much smarter than you are. He has never been caught.”
Luca looked incredibly relieved to not have to share with the group.
“Ok. Fine. I got caught in the photocopier room making out with someone. Clothes were coming off, and hands were in pants. Worst part? It was by the teacher whose class I was supposed to be in.”
“Copy room quickie?” Bood asked with a laugh. “So cliche.”
“It gets worse.”
“How can it get worse?” Harris asked, arms around his boyfriend’s neck. “I would be mortified.”
“It was my first time.”
There was a chorus of groans.
“That’s rough, buddy,” Hayes said.
Harris squinted at Wyatt. “Did you just quote Avatar: The Last Airbender at my boyfriend?”
Hayes shrugged, adjusting Lisa in his arms. “Sokka’s girlfriend was the moon and your first time was interrupted by the teacher whose class you were supposed to be in. I completely see the parallels.”
Ilya blinked twice. “I have no idea what you are talking about. I also do not what to know. Knowing will knock out valuable information in my brain. I will forget my address.”
Wyatt held up a finger. “Hey, did you know that’s how Sherlock Holmes believed memory would work. If he’d remember things he didn’t need to know, it would push out something important?”
Ilya stared dead at Wyatt for ten seconds before saying, “I just forgot my phone number.”
Bood laughed loudly until Cassie shushed him. “You’re going to wake the dead,” she said, much quieter. “Speaking of being watched while you’re having sex—this genius took me on a picnic at a graveyard.”
“It had a pond and great architecture!”
“It was creepy!”
“You still fucked me!”
“God help me. Next to a mausoleum guarded by a statue of the Virgin Mary!”
That earned a few chuckles and groans directed at Bood.
“Ahh man, that’s creepy,” Shane complained.
“It was so pretty!”
“It’s SO creepy,” Shane amended. “TOO creepy.”
“He is so fucking lucky I love him,” Cassie continued, pinching his cheek and tugging it back and forth. “SO lucky.”
Bood grinned. “I am. I am!”
Ilya waved a hand suddenly. “Oh! Oh! Tell them about your murder building.”
“It wasn’t a murder building, Ilya.”
“I thought you were going to murder me. Anyway, he buys this building just for fucking.”
“What the fuck?” Hayes asked.
“Holy shit,” Harris muttered then sat up straight, so excited to have still more lore dropped on him. This was more information than they’d gotten in a whole season of them being out and Shane being on the team. “TELL ME MORE RIGHT NOW.”
“Is like twice a year we use it or something. He will not let me see his apartment, he is so paranoid. Makes me come up the fire steps. You know, like a murderous psychopath.”
Shane sat up enough to glare at his husband while taking a long drink from his beer. “Never have I ever murdered you. That could change at any time, you know.”
There were a couple oooohs.
“You would never get away with it,” Ilya said with confidence.
“I grew up here. I know the back roads. The dirt roads. And the little trails off those dirt roads. The animal trails off the little trails. They would never find your body.”
“Dude, what?” Wyatt asked. “That got dark quick.”
Shane shrugged with one shoulder. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know that that’s dark?” Wyatt moved enough that he could look around the fire at Shane.
“Sorry,” Shane said, curling in on himself a little.
Ilya saved him from himself. “Anyways. Murder building just for fucking. You know, as you do, yes?”
Haas snorted. It was good to see him engaged in the conversation again.
“I like to think of it as a ‘fuck palace,’ more than a murder building,” Shane interjected.
Ilya ignored him. “And did I mention he owns whole building? Still makes me come up back way. Uber driver is like… are you sure you want let off here? I am like… stay a minute. If you hear me scream, call police.”
“It was not that bad! It was under renovation!”
“For like five years. He sold it for seed money to start the foundation. Was still under construction when he sold it.”
“Wait,” Haas finally chimed in, holding up a hand. “You were so afraid of being caught you bought a building to hook up in?”
“…Yes?” Shane answered.
Haas went a little pale. “You must have been so scared.” The mood had suddenly changed. No one thought it was funny anymore.
Shane sat up a little. “…Yes? It could have ended both of our careers. Almost ended both of our careers. And not to mention, Ilya still had a Russian passport. It was fucking terrifying.”
Luca’s face fell. “That is so sad. I’m so sorry.”
Everyone shifted uncomfortably.
“Is funny now that I have Canadian passport,” Ilya tried. But no one was smiling anymore. He crumpled a little on his log-stool. “But at the time? Very scary. But I wanted to see his real home so much. Would have done just about anything. Maybe not face Russia. But almost anything to see it,” he said in a fit of honesty. “Really—if you think about it—he was being smart. I was being foolish having him to my place. Anyone could have seen.”
“And, anyway,” Shane concluded, “it all worked out.”
“Jesus Christ,” Bood said quietly. He looked around the fire pit. Everyone else had saucer eyes and were speechless. “Please tell me you are both in therapy.”
It was Shane and Ilya’s turn to shift uncomfortably.
“I’d be fucking traumatized, is all I’m saying. Hiding that long? Knowing you could be disappeared or killed if it came out? Knowing your careers could be over? I wouldn’t have been able to do it with Cass. I love you, hon, but the pressure would have made me crack.”
She smiled up at him, a touch of adoration in her eyes. “I wouldn’t have asked you to. Honestly… I don’t think I’d have been brave enough.”
“Or stupid enough,” Shane said. “We were doing all this for hookups. Because it was hot. Then we caught feelings, and we knew that things would only end in disaster, but we kept going. That’s stupid. I’m glad we did it. I’m glad we’re on the other side. But that was fucking stupid, if you look at it from the outside.”
“Definitely not stupid,” Haas said. “Don’t say that.”
Troy piped up. “Yeah. You decided the other was worth the risk. That’s love.”
Shane sighed, the lowering of the group mood again reaching him deeply.
Ilya put a hand on his ankle. “Like Shane said. It all worked out.”
“I guess now we know why you two are so fucking codependent, though,” Wyatt said.
Ilya squared his shoulders and stared down his nose at his friend. “My therapist says we do not meet the diagnostic criteria for codependency.”
Lisa laughed. “ Well thank God you have a therapist. No. You’re just constantly together. Do you have any separate hobbies, even?”
“Ilya likes to drive his dumb cars in a way totally unsuited to Canadian roads,” Shane pointed out, as if that qualified as an actual hobby. “I won’t ride in those cars with him.”
Ilya smirked. “Shane likes to dabble in real estate like he is playing Monopoly.”
“Oh, so you’re an evil landlord,” Harris said cheerfully.
Shane rolled his eyes. “I got rid of the condo and never looked back at housing. I mostly do high-end retail space and enormous offices for companies of a size that can afford to be renting at my rates.”
“Holy shit,” Troy grumbled. “Hollzy has a real estate empire on the down-low? What the hell else are we going to find out about you two tonight?”
“Absolutely nothing,” Ilya said. “Someone else’s turn. Stupidest place you’ve ever had sex? And Haas does not get to answer. He is my smart son who does not have sex in stupid places.”
Bood laughed. “Cemetery, and that’s my final answer.”
“I’m glad you recognize the ridiculousness of your decision on the back end,” Cassie told him.
“Still the copier room,” Troy said. “Or the barn at Harris’ parents.”
Ilya leaned forward. “Say more.”
Harris had the decency to blush. “Ok. So there’s a loft. It’s a glorified attic. There’s an old, OLD TV antenna up there. Like massive. And dad says he’s going to cut it up and sell it for scrap. Only he’s been saying that since I was fourteen and it’s been up in that loft probably since his dad owned the farm.”
Ilya suddenly looked bored. “What does this have to do with fucking?”
Troy rolled his eyes. “So we went up there to see if it, maybe, came apart? Because the thing that’s always put dad off of working on it is his assumption that it needed to be sawed apart. We were up there, and things got… a little hot and heavy.”
Troy laughed. “And that’s how I got that huge slice on my back that one time that everybody asked me about and I wouldn’t say. Just backed right into the damned thing.”
“Please tell me you got a tetanus shot,” Shane begged.
Troy nodded. “I got like three shots because of that thing. It was a train wreck. And no, it didn’t just come apart.”
“I said I was sorry,” Harris said, as if he’d already apologized a thousand times.
Placing a kiss on his boyfriend’s temple, Troy said, “I’m not blaming you. Ever.”
Ilya’s hand trailed up Shane’s leg a bit as the fire continued to lap at the air in front of them. “He’s a good, forgiving boyfriend.”
“Guilty conscience over something, Rozanov?” Shane asked wryly.
“Never. Wyatt—worst place you have had sex, go.” Ilya said with a flick of his wrist.
“My mom walking in on us was really up there, so my childhood bedroom, maybe. But it could also be—wait. Why do we keep skipping over Luca?”
Luca looked down at his flip flops.
“Because Luca is a good boy who never gets into any trouble,” Ilya supplied. “And if he has, I do not wish to hear about it.”
“Oh come on,” Wyatt said. “You’ve got to have SOMETHING embarrassing, right?”
Luca blushed redder than anyone had ever seen him. “No. I have nothing to contribute.”
“My son is sensible and only does sensible things.”
“Like the time he tried to make Riceroni in the microwave. In a styrofoam cup?” Troy asked.
“Like the time he—HAAS,” Ilya said loudly. “Like the time you did WHAT?”
Shane propped his head up on his hand. “That sounds like a fire hazard.”
Wyatt looked over at Haas judgmentally and said, “kitchenette smelled like burnt styrofoam for a WEEK. No amount of air freshener helped.”
Troy nodded. “Just awful.
Ilya waved his hand in front of him. “Well, he is a child. I thought he was my smart child. Maybe he is my dull child. Either way, I refuse to hear his sexual exploits.”
Bood picked up Cassie’s empty cup and threw it at Ilya. “Let the kid speak.”
“No, it’s ok,” Haas said quietly. “Thank you, though. I guess… I do not have anything weird. But I have a nice one. There were the softest sheets and electric candles that turned different colors and a very long talk about the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood, and then we watched the sunset…” He blushed a little at the memory. “It was very nice.”
“Ok, that’s just fucking embarrassing,” Bood said. “I don’t think we’ve been that romantic.” He looked down at his wife for confirmation. “Have we ever been that romantic?”
“The graveyard thing was ok until I realized the Virgin Mother was watching us,” Cassie confirmed.
“Wyatt and I went out on a boat on a lagoon at twilight once. That was pretty romantic,” Lisa confirmed. “Then he ruined it by singing Kiss The Girl.” She laughed. “Before that, it was beautiful. He still got laid, though. God help me.”
“You like it. In fact, you’d like me less if I weren’t like this.”
“Maybe you can try not being like this, and we’ll see if that theory floats,” she teased.
Wyatt feigned shock. “Abuse!”
“Can’t abuse the willing,” Shane pointed out, finishing his bottle. He set it in the grass in front of him, then put his head down on his arms. “Because you know you like it.”
Wyatt thought about it. “Yeah. I do.”
“Troy and Harris… tell us your romantic secrets,” Ilya demanded.
“We went to a bed and breakfast.” Harris explained. “We had an amazing view of this enormous man-made lake and the hills behind it were snow-covered. It looked like a Bob Ross painting. We watched like two and a half sunrises and four sunsets through the enormous windows. We only went downstairs for breakfast. It was amazing.”
Troy nodded in agreement. “The old couple that ran the place would just laugh every morning when we came down. It was only a little embarrassing when they explained they’d ended up buying the B&B where they had their honeymooon, and THEY didn’t come down except for one meal a day too.”
“So sweet I puked,” Ilya teased.
Shane thought for a moment. “I think our honeymoon was pretty great. But I think the most romantic ‘date,’ if you can call it that… was at All Stars in Tampa. When we were sitting on the beach and you put your thumb around my finger. For like two minutes we were outside and not in a dark hotel room, and we were touching and it was just so nice.”
Again, Shane realized everyone was looking at him in stunned silence.
He sat up a little. “I guess you had to have been there?”
“Please tell me YOU are in therapy too?” Bood begged.
“It was just… no one was hiding. And no one knew we were touching and…”
“That’s horrifying, bud,” Wyatt said. “Listen to what you’re saying. That’s HORRIFYING.”
Shane sighed. “What do you want? We were doing our best.”
“We aren’t judging you,” Harris told him. “We just want you to know this stuff isn’t normal. It’s… upsetting. And traumatic that you had to hide like that and go through that.”
“I thought it was sweet and cute,” Shane said quietly.
“It’s… it’s really sad,” Haas said, sullen.
Ilya sat up straight suddenly, breaking the mood. “Well, I tell him to go to therapy, but he does not. He needs someone to call him on his bullshit.”
“I don’t need that, Ilya. I have you.”
Troy let out a groan. “Ugh. You understand how dysfunctional that sounds, right?”
Shane looked around to the group. No one was disagreeing. “…No?”
“It’s super dysfunctional, dude,” Troy informed him. “
“I mean, he’s got a built-in bullshit detector. He gives me enough shit, and look, I’m fine.”
“You are not fine, Friend.” Lisa told him. “The fact that you think this stuff is fine shows just how un-fine you are.”
It was Shane’s turn to sit quietly for a moment. “Look,” he said quietly. “I’m not saying it was normal. Or ok. Or anything. But it’s what we had. And we did the best with what we had. A lot of stolen moments. A lot of unintended drama, and a public outing, and finally a happy-ever-after.”
“Like we said, we’re not judging you,” Troy said. “God knows, I was hella closeted. But what you went through is especially traumatic. I see a therapist now to talk things through. I think you should to. You need some perspective.”
There was a quiet chorus of agreement from everyone. “You don’t have to,” Cassie told him. But it sounds like you’d benefit.”
“I’m not going to fucking therapy,” he said petulently. Then looked at Ilya. “I mean—You have real problems. You need it.”
“Listen to your friends,” Ilya said quietly. “According to them, you have real problems too. I talked to Galina for a long time about how hard the hiding was. On both of us. Remember when you started eating… not good?”
“I’m over it,” Shane promised.
“Except when you get stressed,” Ilya reminded him. “That is definitely not over it.”
Putting his arms over his chest, Shane put his head back on the bench. “I’ll think about it,” he mumbled.
“I guess that’s fair enough,” Lisa said. “No one can make you do it. Think about it. But if you were one of my patients’ parents, and told me all this, my professional advice would be to see someone.”
Shane didn’t reply. He was mulling things over. “I just don’t want to tell a stranger things. Telling you all is hard enough.”
“Sometimes, telling a stranger is easier,” Troy said. “Especially someone who wasn’t there for all the drama. We watched a good part of it unfold. We are not impartial outsiders.”
“I’ll really, REALLY think about it?”
Everyone grew a little somber and quiet for a while.
“Time for a real happy story,” Ilya ventured at last, trying to end the evening on a happier note. “We did fuck in the Canadian embassy in Spain.”
“Holy shit. Classic Hollanov,” Troy said.
Shane groaned, but didn’t say anything. He hated that nickname.
“So we got held up and they took Shane’s passport,” Ilya said with a laugh. “And they took his passport…”
Luca rubbed a hand over his face. “You realize this ISN’T a happy story either, right?”
“No, but it had a happy ending,” Ilya volunteered.
“Mostly because we SOMEHOW did not get caught.”
“Can we also recommend couples therapy? You two desperately need some perspective,” Wyatt recommended.
“Alright, fine,” Ilya said. “The time Ryan Price caught us kissing. That is super-innocent.”
“Or the time he caught us almost getting ready to fuck,” Shane offered.
Luca shook his head. “Now that’s just traumatic for Ryan.”
“And not at all innocent,” Harris said. “But proceed.”
Shane sat up completely, glad for once in his life to have the ‘room.’ “Ok, so we were making out pretty heavy. And…”
THE END.