Chapter Text
Day 1
I decided in 50 days I’m going to kill myself.
Wow it’s really going to happen.
I can’t handle it anymore with how I affect other’s so deeply in the world. I never wanted to be the avatar. Yangchen and Kuruk keep contacting me telling me not to. I can’t even look them in the eyes especially Yangchen, she reminds me too much of what I’ve already lost for just being the Avatar. For just existing. My existence alone brings so many hopelessness. If it wasn’t for me Kelsang and my best friend Yun and so many others would still be here. I wish Kelsang left me to die from starvation, just like my parents did. At least they did something right. Right? But knowing they did still makes me furious. Even if I know in my heart it was the right decision for the long run. Though, how were they supposed to know that? Did I really always come out as incapable? I never had them to go for comfort.
I have that now with Rangi. Spirits, she’s never going to forgive me but, I feel so small when I go to her with my regrets. I just don’t know how to be. Even with having Rangi around willing to wipe my tears, to stop my shaking, to help the exhaustion. I can’t do that to her anymore she shouldn’t have to do it as much as she already does. Even with her reassurance that she would rather do this a thousand times than leave me to handle it alone. Yet even with Rangi, I still feel the weight on my shoulders. That’s just isn’t fair to her. I figured the sorry will never leave.
I was never supposed to even have a chance in life in the first place, is this just my punishment? For simply making it this long? It’s not fair. Just living made Kelsang and Yun pay for it. I miss the days when I was just a servant girl. When I didn’t have such a strong impact in the world.
I miss the day’s Kelsang would tease me, hug me, spirits even just smile at me. It’s all my fault, it’s all my burden. They’re gone. I can’t bring peace no matter how hard I fight for it. Everything I do is always going to kill people. That alone just shows me that my best just simply isn’t enough for what the people need.
I’m so overwhelmed as well as ashamed leaving the curse of Avatar hood to another. This Aching in my heart that I can’t help everyone when everyone depends on me is too much and Rangi can only do so much. I’m hurting her. I’m hurting myself.
I see how she looks at me with a protective posture when I make a decision and, i’ve heard of how everyone thinks of me. I always have to watch my back for the next person. I can’t ever catch a break and wanting a break as the Avatar is so extremely cheap to the world. I’m so disgusted by myself for wanting to take a step back. Truly. Spirits but, I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna let go, and I don’t want to leave Rangi alone with the pain. I know wanting to stay is so rude though because if I stay anymore than I have already have. I will only bring more misery.
Hei-Ran will never forgive me for the pain I’m going to give her daughter soon but, I’m so lost. Leaving would give them both freedom from the burden of having me around. I'm forgetting who I once was, I’m stuck with this title and I will forever be remembered by it. I’m so horrified of having letting go. I don’t want to leave. This is why 50 days of writing will have me prepared. To finally do what is best for this world.
I can’t even glance at myself in the mirror without feeling furious. I feel so raw. I forgot how to even act like me. To be me feels so fake. This wasn’t something I thought of doing overnight, it’s been on my mind. Like a lot. But now I’m finally going to commit myself to it. These journal entries are my last thoughts and my last days here. I feel so guilty. I feel so awful to do this to the world but again I keep reminding myself that staying alive is more selfish than anything I could possibly do. I really was trying hard to find a good reason to stay and fix the world along with the people I love but every failed attempt brings me back to the fact that, I just have to do this. This is my last resort of freeing everyone from the burden of Avatar Kyoshi.
-K