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The stars were out, and Leo looked up at them in awe. It had been two months past when he was supposed to return. At first he was sick, hoping that they’d come find him, but he wasn’t lucky. Before Leo left, Raph had told him that no one would miss him.
Apparently he had been right.
If his family didn’t miss him, then why would he answer their letters? If he was alone, then who was to judge him for being a gross weird failure? If he was alone what was stopping him from being…
From being…
The thing he’d always dreamed of being, even if he only realized it before he left. He had gotten so bitter, so controlling. Well, he had always been like that, but then it got worse.
It was that night, when she looked at the stars, she knew that nothing would stop him from having a new name. No one was there to stop her… but no one would use it either. Even through that disappointment, she knew that at least this would make her time bearable.
She was determined to be someone worth finding when she came back, and she knew that she would never get there. Thinking of herself as a girl was enough to make her a freak, and because of that she would never not be a failure. A freak of nature in two ways.
At least the trees were there. At least the insects, spiders, and rodents were there.
And the stars… the only consistent thing there.
They were the only ones to hear her whisper a name, unable to be heard by anyone or anything else, even if it weren’t for the racket the insects were making.
“Estrella.”
Like the stars.
Estre—Leo, was back. She was so angry at everyone, and they were angry at her too. She had left. She—no, he, he was a boy again; he was Leo again—had failed. But why didn't they come get me? a voice in her head said. They claim they missed me and are angry I didn't come back, but how can they be angry when I didn’t come back because I was trying to do what's best?
No, she failed.
If they cared why didn't they get me?
It wasn’t fair for her him to be angry
How dare they leave me alone and then be angry at me??
He told the voice in his head to shut its non-existent mouth.
It had been a week and a half since she had come back. She had apologized, and Mikey and Raph had forgiven her. Donnie, meanwhile? He thought that it wasn’t genuine (Maybe it was because Leo didn’t quite forgive him and the others either, and Donnie was the most perceptive to that). Splinter was still on her about training, and Leo tried to tell him that Donnie and Mikey had jobs, and he was trying to get one (Raph said he was, but he was never the most reliable when he didn’t want to do something). Splinter wouldn’t listen. He never did.
Raph still didn’t want to hang out with him that much, but Mikey really wanted too, and who was Leo to reject his baby brother A second time? So when Mikey called Leo over to watch a show he and Splinter both enjoyed, Leo followed without question. It was a stupid romance drama—Leo had always loved cartoons better—but with Mikey snuggled into his side he really couldn’t complain.
When it ended Splinter flicked through the channels and the news came on. Apparently it was discussing gay people and their fight for rights. Mikey tensed slightly, a far cry from his previously relaxed position. Leo felt himself paying more attention. Not on the TV, but on his father.
Splinter glared at the TV. “Honestly, some people.”
“What do you mean?” Mikey asked, and it was his curious but guarded voice. The guardedness was something Leo knew from experience with his younger brother, and if Splinter noticed, he said nothing.
“They think they can just defy nature! Women and men are supposed to be together! This is just ridiculous.” He shook his head. “They are not supposed to do things that way.”
“But don’t we defy nature?” Mikey asked. Leo looked at her younger brother as he curled up closer to her, feigning relaxation.
“We are different. We don’t choose this life, they do.” Este—Leo wanted to argue so badly. It wasn’t a choice! If it was she wouldn’t be like this. She would never choose this!
Leo wanted to scream. “I know.” Leo found himself saying, a million miles away and on the verge of tears. He didn’t show it. “It’s disgusting.” Splinter nodded.
“You may never find a mutant wife, but at least you aren’t delusional.”
Mikey tensed and gripped Leo’s hand. Leo wondered if he knew. The idea made him sick. Though he had already started feeling sick. But he couldn’t get sick! He would die!
But his family was here now, he wouldn’t die. Unless they don’t care. Shut up! They didn’t when you were in the jungle, why would they care now? Seriously, shut up. Raph didn’t even care when you came home, why would he care now? Donnie’s still angry, he'll be happy to be rid of you. Please. And if they found out you wanted to be a girl, then no one would love you. He couldn’t bear this anymore.
“I need to use the bathroom.” Leo said. And Mikey seemed panicked. Leo didn’t want to think much about it, so he didn’t. Once there, Leo looked in the mirror. He didn’t look like a girl. He didn’t sound like a girl. He wished he could just say it, but it wouldn’t ever help. He would be kicked out.
She couldn’t be alone again.
He wasn’t Estrella. He wasn’t a sister. He wasn’t a daughter.
He wasn’t a girl, and would never be.