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I can’t forget about that day.
I remember the sting of the thorn ring, the fear and panic that clawed through my chest, the tingling through my fingers—it made me feel so cold, but I was also so powerful. When I casted Snowgrave, I felt horrified—it was something I’d never, ever do, b-but the tone of Kris’ voice made me feel like I had to. It was so much different from anything I’d ever felt, throughout my entire life, where I felt like I never actually felt anything. I’ve always felt like I was just watching things happen to me, not actually feeling them…that’s why deep down I felt…
Excited? I felt excited by it. I knew what I did and it was horrifying at first, but then I realized that…it was different. It wasn’t like Noelle, it was a change. Kris had changed. They were an entirely different person now and…no one else noticed. They-they didn’t want to notice, they IGNORED it! B-But I saw it. And even if every part of me was screaming to run away, I-I couldn’t stop thinking about the thorn ring, the sting, the power of the ice at my fingertips—something about it was so compelling, I-I’d never felt anything like that before—not once in my life. I know it was wrong, and it made me feel so cold, but that’s the thing—I felt numb. It didn’t scare me as much as it should’ve, I didn’t scream, cry, I just…listened.
That feeling, it let me do anything. I felt free—I-I had to do HORRIBLE things to get it, but I finally didn’t feel like I was drowning! God, I didn’t feel like I was just watching “Noelle’s” life anymore, I actually felt ALIVE! I should feel guilty, and I should be horrified, I should run from it but I-I just can’t! It’s exciting, it’s dangerously thrilling, it makes me feel like I can just get up and fly, as long as they say that one word.
Proceed. If they tell me to do it—that I can do it—then I really CAN do it! Then I’m not just Noelle Holiday anymore, I-I’m not the quiet, sweet girl, I’m actually alive, and I have POWER. I-It’s an amazing feeling! I know something must be wrong with me to almost be HAPPY about this but I also just, fahaha, I can’t find it in me to care enough to stop. Even if I try to tell myself it’s wrong, to stop, even if I KNOW Kris will drag me down with them, I can’t deny that I WANT IT TO PROCEED.
I want to keep doing what felt impossible, I-I want to keep being convinced to do things even if I know how horrible they really are—BECAUSE I FINALLY FEEL LIKE IM NOT STUCK IN A CAGE! I FEEL LIKE A PERSON! ITS EXHILARATING—IT—ITS—
HEAVENLY.
I never believed in gods—I didn’t think the idea of someone watching you was real, and so I didn’t believe there was a heaven—a place where I could be free of this empty feeling—even when Dess used to tell me cryptid stories when I was a kid and scare me. I-I was so enthralled by them, even if they scared me, b-but I couldn’t believe them. Now that I’ve felt THIS? I know heaven must be real, a-and Kris has the key! All they have to do is keep convincing me. All day I’ve been waiting to meet them at the lake, t-to look at them and feel the excitement flood my chest when they say the word I’m always waiting to hear. To tell me to proceed. It doesn’t matter how scared I am, if they say it, I-I can do it! I won’t even feel it anymore.
I-I think I can fly away from all of this. This ignorant stupid small town that’s caged me for years. It feels like they can hear my thoughts—I-I can hear a raspy laugh sometimes, and I think that’s enough proof! Isn’t it?! They can FREE ME! Y-You have to understand, right?!
I’m not crazy. I can leave all of this behind. I can leave “Noelle Holiday” behind! It’ll be the best I’ve ever felt!
I won’t just taste heaven, I’ll be in it! I’ve been feeling the bite of this ring for the last few days now, but it’s nothing compared to the anticipation—I can’t even sit still anymore. I can’t pretend. It’s just so terrifying, but so EXCITING!!!
Noelle was left panting, her fingers digging into her seat, he had these wide, feverish, desperate eyes filled with a hysterical excitement. Her words had come too rapid, firing in a sudden and intense way that felt suffocating. It’s drowned out reality, the sound of the festival, the comforting orange light of dusk, the scent of deliciously fresh fair food, the feeling of cheap leather cushions and lukewarm glass that’d been bathing in the sunlight since set up—none of it reached this moment. It was like being trapped in a box no one could see, it was so small and claustrophobic, forcing Noelle’s heavy words to be confronted as her hysterical rant hung in the air like a noose waiting to be tightened.
She was just staring now, no longer at her legs, her hands, or at nothing at all, she was looking right at who was seated across from her—her chest was heaving, and she couldn’t seem to calm herself down. Her eyes were piercing, invasive almost, which contrasted the wide and exhilarated smile on her face, as well as the trembling of her small frame, and the cracking in her feverish and almost delusional voice from just a few moments ago.
She said nothing—only waited for a response.
Susie, on the other hand, couldn’t move. Her large and intimidating form was frozen, slightly leaned over Noelle’s smaller one. Her hand was slightly outstretched, barely shaking, but unmoving aside from that. Despite being the larger one of the two, Noelle felt like the one who was boxing the two in—Susie was forced to acknowledge Noelle’s delusional, looking back at her with wide eyes frozen in shock. Not just shock, really, a myriad of things; hurt, fear, anger, denial, many unpleasant emotions swirled in her eyes as she processed what Noelle had just said—looking at the girl she’d grown closer too as she completely lost her composure, unable to contain her thoughts, who stared back at her with an unnerving intensity that almost made Susie want to flee. Whenever Susie had felt overwhelming emotions like this, her first instinct had always been to lash out and push the source away, but at this moment she couldn’t do anything. She could only think of the few odd moments she’d had with Kris, or the odd ways Noelle had been fidgeting, or the things Kris would avoid talking about—every little oddity that she had ignored that now made sense when it seemed inconsequential before.
This twisted reality that Noelle had exposed in her inability to contain herself had left Susie shattered.
And in that moment, the moment that was them in the Ferris wheel, the last two people on for the day before the festival came to a halt, time just froze.
Susie barely registered that Noelle had relinquished her grip on their shared seat, instead suddenly lunging forward and grabbing her shoulders. Susie didn’t even flinch as she felt Noelle’s fingers digging, numb to the slight sting she should’ve felt as she tried to wrap her mind around the fact that this newly found friend group and happiness she had was actively crumbling in front of her—she should’ve been more hurt, but really in her chest she felt anger, anger at herself for believing it could be better. Despite her detachment in that moment, she wished she could grab Noelle and shake her, force her to say it was all a joke even if she felt dread settling in the bottom of her stomach.
Noelle still stared up at Susie’s eyes, the softness Susie had grown fond of undeniably absent—it made her blood run cold.
She could barely manage a whisper, but still tried a weak attempt at her usual smirk, as well as a raspy laugh.
“C’mon Noelle, this isn’t funny. First with Kris not getting up today, and now this? You guys…you must be pulling some elaborate prank, right?”
There was a flash of anger in Noelle’s eyes—she was annoyed, her cynical idea that no one else in this town wanted to acknowledge the change of Kris and even her, fueled by Susie’s seemingly ignorant response. Noelle didn’t seem fully aware of just how insane she sounded, even to someone who’d seen the Dark Worlds and knew the prophecy.
But Susie’s denial was a defense; she didn’t want to believe it.
“No. No! Susie, you have to understand, right? You must understand it! You have to know I-I’m not crazy!”
Susie’s face visibly fell at Noelle’s insistent tone, pushing and shoving her in a reality she didn’t want to acknowledge. It scared her. She would never admit it, she’d never let herself be that vulnerable, but Susie was scared.
Noelle shook her a little bit when her eyes drifted to the seat, her hands now gripping the leather instead. She felt anger, that building urge to snap, deep in her bones. But she still felt too unsettled to do much, powerless to do anything but watch as Noelle unraveled before her.
She looked almost obsessed—completely unlike her, against everything Susie had grown comfortable with. It only made that anger more prominent in her chest.
“I-I’m not crazy. Freedom is heaven, isn’t it?”
There was something deep in Noelle’s eyes beyond feverish desperation, something much more sad—regretful, even. She’d never lost her composure like this , not ever. Susie’s face hurt, but she couldn’t find it in her to care as much as she should.
“No more watching my life pass by—instead, I can fly.”
She released Susie, laughing hysterically to herself for just a moment, then gesturing at herself.
“This person? Noelle? I-It’s not me. She’s never felt like me.”
“Kris…Kris showed me that. Starting with Berdly.”
Susie only felt angrier.
When they got off the Ferris Wheel a few moments later, then had to slip out while it was close to the ground, as the ride attendee was nowhere to be found. The festival had gone eerily silent.
And as they walked side by side, Susie felt that at least one thing Noelle had said was true: she’d changed.
Because right now, Susie didn’t feel as though she recognized the feverish girl that stood beside her, who soon split off to go wait at the lake.
Susie started to walk over to Kris’ house—faster than normal, almost sprinting. But the closer she got, the slower her pace became. As she walked through the quiet town she felt this undeniable dread—though there was this white hot anger in her as well. She kicked a nearby trash can with all her strength, watching as it clattered to the floor and its contents spilled out. The calm autumn breeze blew by, but its coolness wasn’t as comforting as usual—neither was the silence of the town after the sound of the trashcan had faded into nothing. Susie stared at it for many minutes, but then she shook her head and kept walking. When she got to Kris’ house, she didn’t wait for them like she usually would, instead she knocked. She almost banged, but stopped as she remembered Toriel.
Regardless, tonight she’d demand answers.
Because she had to know what Noelle meant.