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Merlin glared at the red lines on his left wrist. "You deserve those. You deserve them for EXISTING." Merlin didn't even try to hold back the sob that escaped his throat. WHY?! Why me? Again and again he screamed that, silently and painfully, as he cut his wrist again with the knife.
Make it stop! Just make it stop! No more destiny!
The urge to dig the knife into his wrist and let every ounce of his blood bleed out was beginning to become overwhelming. He quickly flung the knife out of his reach. He needed to stay alive. Just so he could serve others. But when he decides he's become a burden to others... Then he'll end it.
Giuas is out curing some patients so no one would look for him. He was alone. When he's alone he feels everything. The mental stress, the bullying from the other Knights, the cruel banter from Arthur... It hurt. More than the knife cutting open his flesh, more than being thrown against a wall. He hurt, but his emotions always felt numbed when he was in public. He had gotten so used to wearing his "I'm a happy-go-lucky idiot," mask, that he almost forgot the pain. Until he remembered. Then it hurt even more.
A pounding on the door made him quickly stand. Who could that be? No one should be here at this time of the night! Maybe they're sick or injured! Merlin quickly pulled on his jacket, forgetting his wounds and running to the door. He opened it JUST as Arthur banged his fist against it. Merlin yelped as he dodged back.
"What the... Arthur? Are you hurt? Are you sick?" Arthur gave him a weird look, panting from apparently running. "What? Don't be stupid Merlin, why would I go to you?" Merlin groaned internally. He wasn't in the mood for this. "Then what do you need, sire?" His mask slipped slightly and his words came out colder than he wanted them too. If Arthur noticed he didn't say anything. "I'm going on a quest. Pack your bags, I'll need you to come with. We leave at dawn. DON'T be late." He quickly turned and walked back down the hall. Merlin just stood there, in the doorway, blood dripping down his hand from his cut, not quite sure what had just happened.
The next morning at dawn--------
Merlin yawned walking towards the stables, stretching his sore muscles. He'd fallen asleep on the floor, crying. He winced when he felt one of his cuts open. He hissed slightly as he pulled his arm down, jacket cuff scratching against his wounds. "Ah, you're up right on time!" Arthur's cheery voice made him jerk his head up and his his arm behind his back. "Just like you told me to."
he forced a smile but his wrist felt like it was on fire! This is what you deserve! Suck it up! What's the worst that could happen? A little sore wrist?
"... Merlin? Merlin are you even listening to me?" Merlin snapped out of his thoughts when he realized Arthur was ordering him to do something. Stupid, Stupid! "I'm sorry what was that sire? Still a bit sleepy." Merlin grinned his big grin and Arthur glared. "Maybe THIS will wake you up!" That was the only warning Merlin got before a bucket of ice cold water hit his torso. He sputtered and coughed and shook in the cool morning to air.
You deserved that. This is your punishment for being useless.
Merlin grimaced as the water hit his cut in his wrist. "Awake now?" Arthur asked, expecting a cheeky answer. Merlin's wrist was DEFINITELY on fire! Ah, it burned! "Yep, awake now. Where're we going again sire?" His words seemed more clipped than usual, and he clutched his arm to his chest as he turned to put his pack on his saddle.
Arthur tilted his head. "Everything ok Merlin?" Merlin froze, unused to such a question coming from Arthur. "Yeah... I'm fine." He quickly mounted his horse and turned to Arthur. "Shall we go now sire?" Arthur still looked suspicious but mounted his horse anyway. Merlin then realized he had no idea where they were going, or what they were going to do.
"Is the quest top secret again?" Merlin asked hopefully as they trotted their horses out the main gate. Arthur nods and turns to Merlin. " Yes, so TOP secret that you didn't even bother to listen! Merlin I think maybe you should go back and have your ears checked by Giuas!" Merlin closed his eyes briefly then reopened them.
Stupid stupid clot pole!
He forced a smile. "Sorry sire. Are we going on a hunting trip? You brought crossbows." Arthur rolled his eyes. "Yes Merlin. Agrivane is in charge of the castle while I take a MUCH needed break." Merlin groaned inside. He hated hunting! Well this is what you get for being USELESS.
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Merlin was walking behind Arthur, holding a crossbow when something wet slid across his arm. He paused behind Arthur and pulled up his jacket sleeve. His wrist had opened and was bleeding profusely. He knew he should panic but he couldn't feel it. He knew he was losing too much blood but it seemed as if that wasn't important. The sun was so bright today... And he had forgotten to bring a water skin. Arthur wouldn't let him have any of his ether. Why was the sun so bright?
"... Lin? Merlin? MERLIN!" Arthur was calling him. His voice seemed so far away. Maybe if he lay down... The world turned sideways as he fell to the ground.
So tired. Would Arthur consent to a break? Wait, Arthur was above him, he looked scared. Was there a bear? He should protect Arthur...
"Merlin! Stay with me! Do not sleep Merlin!" No... So tired. I need to sleep... Merlins eyes closed and Arthur panicked. He tore off Merlins jacket and exposed his cuts. He didn't waste time looking at them though, some cuts on Merlins wrist were bleeding hard. He ripped his shirt and bound his wrists.
"Come on Merlin! Wake up!" He pulled Merlin into the shelter of a fallen tree and forced him to drink some water.
-1/2 an hour later
Merlin came to pressed up against the wall in a dugout. Arthur was sitting s few inches away, his armor on the ground. Arthur noticed and pressed his hand to Merlin's mouth. He pointed upwards to the dugout ceiling. A small robin was perched there. Looking around, pecking at some leaves. It turned its head sideways and seemed to be inspecting the two boys. Then it chirped once and flew off.
Arthur removed his hand. Merlin rubbed his head. "What happened?" Arthur glared at him. "I was hoping you could tell me. Where'd you get those cuts?" Merlin looked anywhere but Arthur's eyes. "Nowhere. Just cat scratches." He lied, fiddling with the hem of his neckerchief. Arthur's temper snapped and he grabbed Merlins hand and pulled it toward him so they were face to face. "Don't lie to me Merlin." He glanced down at Merlin's wrist which he was holding. Merlin had winced when he grabbed it.
"Sorry. I don't like it when you lie Merlin. I know you. Who did this?" Merlin shook his head, tears forming in his eyes. "Merlin, what did they do to you to make you too scared to say?" Arthur looked slightly sad but mostly angry. "Tell me. Who did this to you?" Merlin started full on crying at this point. Arthur awkwardly pulled Merlin to his chest, and Merlin grabbed his arms and sobbed into his chest. "I-I-I- No one-*sob* I didn't-"
Arthur Shushed Merlin, petting his head. "It's alright Merlin. You're ok now. No one can hurt you."
5 minutes later---------
Merlin had stopped crying and was washing his face in the stream. Arthur was sitting on a rock a few feet away trying to look busy with his crossbow.
"So..." Arthur started, and Merlin looked up. Arthur glanced up from his crossbow. "Do you want to talk about it?" Merlin shook his head. Arthur sighed and got up. He turned to the fire they had started.
"Arthur why are we really here?" Merlin asked as he got up and walked over to Arthur's frozen form. "You have a crossbow but no arrows. A spear but it's blunt." Arthur was now sweating as Merlin walked around to face him. Arthur then sighed. "If I tell you, you will tell me who hurt you." Merlin seemed to consider it. Then he shook his head. "No way. This could be a trick and you'll tell me some sort of bad joke." Arthur but his lip and turned slightly. Merlin watched that lip then looked back up at his face. "Merlin, the reason we came out here is because..." He paused and rubbed the back of his head. "Because I.." He took s breath then started talking super fast.
"IthinkIloveyouandIknowyouprobablydon'tlovemebackbecauseI'mjustapratthatalwaysannnoysyouand-"
Merlin clamped his hand over Arthur's mouth. Arthur's face was turning a beautiful shade of dark pink and Merlins eyes were wide. "You just said... You loved me?" Arthur seemed to realize what he had just said and nodded, mouth still covered by Merlin's hand. Merlin dropped his hand from Arthur's mouth. He stood there, shock written all over his face.
Arthur was still waiting for a reply and when he didn't say anything he started to think Merlin didn't share his feelings. "Oh. I see. Well," Arthur cracked a pained smile. He started to turn around and walk away when Merlin threw himself at Arthur, kissing him. Arthur looked confused then quickly kisses back. Merlin detangled himself a few moments later and panted slightly.
"I love you too. I'm sorry I can't tell you what happened to me though. I don't like to talk about it. Can we keep this between us?" He looked pleadingly at Arthur.
Arthur seemed to consider it but then shook his head. "Merlin please. Who did this to you? If you love me back please tell me." Arthur begged Merlin, eyes full of concern. Merlin sighed and tucked his head to Athurs chest.
"2 years ago I realized something. I really was a stupid, useless servant." He pressed his hand to Arthur's mouth when he started to protest. "Let me finish. I was a servant who loved his King. That was stupid of me. I knew you and Gwen... Used to love each other. I didn't want to get in the way and complicate things. So I... I took a knife and I dug it into my skin." Merlin wouldn't meet Arthur's shocked eyes. Merlin started to step away but Arthur pulled him closer. Merlin buried his face in Arthur's chest, crying slightly.
"I've been doing it ever since. You must be disgusted by me." By then he was full on crying again. Arthur simply picked Merlin up bridal style and carried him over to a large, flat rock. He sat down and put Merlin on his lap.
"No Merlin. I'm not disgusted by you. Look." He pulled up his sleeves to show Merlin his scars. "You're not alone Merlin. Being raised a king is hard. I never seemed to meet my fathers expectations. I felt worthless too. Then I met you. You acted like I wasn't perfect and that was ok. I loved you since the day I met you."
Merlin was examining Arthurs cuts. He had stopped crying and was now kissing Arthur's arms. "You aren't going to do this again. You hear me you prat? You're not hurting yourself again. Not as live as I live." Merlin swore as he held Arthur's hand. Arthur smiled his crooked smile and kissed Merlin. "Just as long as you don't ether." Merlin grinned and kissed him back. "Deal."