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When she comes to in a clearing, all her friends gathered in a familiar circle, Pearl knows what’s going on.
Grian speaks up across the circle from her, and his words go right through her. For a few seconds, she’s not sure what she’s going to do. Gem’s standing next to him, none the wiser.
Pearl still doesn't know whether or not she’s going to kill him, even as she’s breaking into a sprint. Not even when she’s halfway across the circle, watching curiosity creep onto both of their faces.
She tackles Gem into a hug. It hurts, hitting the ground, but it also reminds her they’re alive. At least for now.
“Ow, hi Pearl.”
“I’m sorry. I missed you.”
Grian’s eyes are wide, lips parted and paused, as the usual day one joy falls from his face. He knows. He’s always known; the curse of winning first.
“Hey, he didn’t say go,” Bdubs pouts. “We don’t even know the gimmick yet.”
Grian holds a hand up, his gaze fixed on her. Sharp enough to cut. “Why don’t we take a minute.”
The words have barely left his mouth by the time Pearl grabs Gem’s arm. She doesn’t care what the others think, or say. She tunes it all out. Pulling Gem away from the clearing; they run out of the sun and into the shade of a large oak tree, the terrain turning hilly.
“Are you okay?” Gem asks, refusing to let go of her hand. Her eyes are wide, her head cocked.
Pearl sighs. The reality’s starting to sink in. She can’t tell Gem everything she wants to. She can’t have her Gem back. Not yet, at least.
“Bad?”
She nods.
“I don’t want you to remember,” Pearl says, “But I really need you to.”
It should be easier this way, but it isn’t that simple. She has these flashes of feelings; offhand comments of moments she shouldn’t know. Keeping grudges she shouldn’t remember harboring. She’s the only one, and Grian doesn’t know why.
Gem’s looking for something, searching. Pearl’s seen this look on her face before. It’s painful, not being able to help. But Pearl knows how this goes. What the Watchers might do to her if she broke the rules, is anyone’s guess. The way Grian looked at her when she asked… she’s inclined not to find out.
“Promise me you won't leave like that this time?” Gem asks.
“Like what?” Pearl prods. It’s the best she can do.
Her brows furrow. “Early. Sudden? I don’t know. It’s… a lot.”
They’ve been here before. Intense emotions bring on the most jumbled memories; fragments and pieces without context, vivid and lifelike. It's a cycle. Repeat, repeat, over and over. Always the same. Gem had sworn she could feel Scar’s sword in her back once. Pearl doesn’t want to remember that day. Not the first time, or every time she relived it after.
“What do you remember?” she asks.
Gem breathes deep, and Pearl watches as she balls her hands up into fists, rocking back and forth on her feet. Feeling everything around her, so it doesn’t get too overwhelming. One thing she's retained subconsciously from all the games. How to cope. They all have their ways.
Gem's her poison.
After a moment, she sits down against the trunk of the big oak. Pearl waits, and follows only when Gem looks up at her. She doesn’t sit too close, as much as she wants to lean up against her. The bark digs into her back.
Gem’s eyes are glassy as they meet hers. She speaks quietly. “You were there, and then you weren’t.”
Pearl frowns. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Y’know,” Gem chuckles, dryly, “I really thought I would've won one of these by now.”
She’s blunt — “You should’ve.”
“…I know you can’t tell me, but… was I close?” Gem leans closer, slumping toward her.
Pearl reaches over and squeezes her hand, “It should’ve been you. I would've let you.”
And she’s not sure what they would do if she did. But she would. She will, if it comes down to them.
“I just feel so angry. And… I don’t want to be, and it feels like I shouldn’t be. But I am, and I can't stop it.”
“At me?”
“At myself.”
A beat. Pearl tries to process this; desperately looking for something true to say.
Gem should be mad at her. For going off on her own, practically the most reckless thing you can do in these games. For everything that came before that led them here. There’s so much she should be angry for. But never angry at herself.
“It was my own fault,” Pearl says, quietly.
Gem huffs. “I doubt that’s true.”
“Don’t follow me this time,” Pearl suggests, hugging her knees. “I just get reckless and stupid around you.”
Might be the truest thing she’s ever said.
“No,” Gem says, shaking her head and turning to face her. “I… I can’t let you out of my sight. Not again.”
And it’s Pearl’s fault, for making her like this. For going off and doing the stupid thing in the first place, and getting herself killed too many times. For not getting away from her after the first time. It would’ve been for her own good. They wouldn’t be here. She wouldn’t be suffering like this, attached to Pearl like… like she cares.
She does care. Too much. Pearl has to remind herself that it can't be real.
“Don’t go,” Gem says. Desperate, the way she always is. Still breaking Pearl’s heart, because they’ve done this dance before.
And Pearl knows how it ends.
It starts, though, as Gem kisses her for the first time, again.
If Pearl were stronger, she wouldn’t let her. She kisses back, just as feverish and needy.
She needs Gem to win, because she can't keep doing this with her. Every time, she just feels more guilty. It doesn’t seem to stop her though. She can’t resist Gem. Maybe that makes her weak. She doesn’t quite care. Gem’s lips are soft, still unmarred by the game; green and fresh.
“Did you… are we…?” Gem asks, breathless, as she pulls away. “Were we ever?”
Pearl shrugs, refusing to meet her eyes. “Once, maybe. I dunno. But that was a long time ago.”
She doesn’t mention the other times. Gem, grabbing a fistful of her shirt and kissing her roughly, before shoving her to the ground and running. Pearl, chasing after her, sword drawn, because that's what red names do. Then, a quiet moment at the top of the Lighthouse, legs dangling off the sides overlooking the Square Hole. Gem had kissed her soft and slow.
They didn't count. A taunt. One kiss before it all went wrong and she forgot again. Not like the first time; that one whirlwind week where Pearl belonged to her.
“Do I ever remember that?”
She shakes her head. Gem’s asked her several times. It’s only now, with everything that happened, that she doesn't have the willpower to lie to her.
“I feel like… I think I always wanted you,” Gem says, leaning against her shoulder.
As much as Pearl wants her, she can’t do this, not completely. Gem’s going to remember one day, and it feels wrong, like she’s taking advantage of her amnesia. They'd love that, wouldn't they? The drama of it all, for their pleasure.
“It’s not fair to you, Gem. Only knowing half of it. If that,” she says. “Besides. You wouldn’t want me if you knew.”
Gem spit vile hatred at her for weeks the one time she really remembered the Secret Keeper. It’s come back, in smaller ways, but the wound was fresh then, and Pearl knows that’s the closest to how she actually felt.
“That’s not true.”
“You don’t know that,” Pearl darts back, arms crossed.
“I… I think I do,” Gem says, hesitant. But she looks up at Pearl, and she really believes it. “Let me make it up to you.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But… you’re sad.”
It’s so much more complicated than that. She’s upset that none of this is normal, that Gem’s had so much taken from her, and so much of these past few games is Pearl’s fault. Gem shouldn’t want her. She wouldn’t, if she knew everything. But the Watchers — it has to be them — they play this sick game, giving and taking, just enough to keep them in each other’s orbit. And Pearl laps it up; takes whatever she gets.
She’s not a good person.
"I’m…” Pearl sighs. “I'm angry that I’m not the person you think I am.”
“I’d remember if I hated you, Pearl,” she says, frowning as Pearl feels her face scrunch involuntarily. “I would.”
It’s not true. But it’s nice to hear.
Gem takes a deep breath, and cradles Pearl’s jaw in her tiny hand. She braces herself; knows she can’t resist whatever Gem wants to give.
“All I remember is being in love with you. Over and over.”
“Oh,” Pearl says, but it’s empty.
There’s this pit in her stomach, and she’s digging it deeper and deeper herself with every go round.
She can’t.
They’re messing with her, and they’re using Gem for it.
It’s sickening.
Pearl repeats it over and over in her head. It's all a cycle.
“Hey,” Gem says, bringing her back to reality.
She wipes a tear from Pearl’s cheek.
“We’ll do it together this time.”
And hell, Pearl wants to believe it. She has to.
Gem kisses her, and the rest of the world melts away.
All she needs to do is win. Pearl can get her there. She has to.