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Lying on Ralsei felt like sleeping on a cloud.
Susie was fighting back the sleep gathering in her eyes, but Ralsei wasn’t helping with her fingers in Susie’s hair. Noelle and Kris were talking in hushed tones. Their words had stopped sounding like words a while ago.
No one seemed to be in a hurry. Maybe Susie could have a nap after all.
She turned her face more fully into Ralsei’s lap with a grunt, her own fingers coming to play with the fur on Ralsei’s arm, passing back and forth. Ralsei started humming low in her throat. Susie felt it against her stomach, the vibrations soothing.
Everything was still, for a moment.
Susie’s finger passed over something weird and raised.
She shot up straight.
“Ralsei, do you have ticks??”
“What?” Ralsei squeaked indignantly. “No!”
“Can Ralsei even get ticks?” Noelle chuckled.
“I don’t get ticks!” Ralsei huffed. “I’m a Darkner. AND I’m CLEAN!!”
“Dude, no judgement,” Susie shoved at her playfully. “You can be clean and still get ticks.”
“Darkners can’t get ticks,” Kris weighed in.
“Susie, have you had ticks?” Noelle teased.
“That’s not what I’m saying!” she growled. “I felt something in Ralsei’s fur, what was it?” She looked to Ralsei, who was still looking especially grumpy.
“Well, it ISN’T ticks!”
She held her arm out for Susie to look at more thoroughly, and this time Susie slowly ran her fingers across to part the fur, looking at the skin under.
She sucked in a breath.
“Rals…”
Ralsei just looked confused.
“What is it, Susie?”
“You… you’re hurt, you’ve got scars under here.” As she moved across her arm, she found many more of the raised lines stacked on top of each other. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
Susie turned to Noelle and Kris who had sobered up too, looking at Ralsei in concern.
“Say anything…?” Ralsei looked between the three of them, as if searching for something. “Um… I’m sorry, Susie, but… Say something about what? Isn’t this just… normal?”
The other three exchanged worried glances.
Noelle cleared her throat. “Ralsei, how long have you had those?”
“I suppose… some time after I met Kris and Susie? I started doing it then.”
“So you did do it to yourself,” Kris said grimly, mostly to themself.
“Yeah?” she looked to them blankly. “Didn’t you?”
“I –” Kris stammered, eyes wide.
“Kris…” Noelle mumbled.
The mood in the room shifted. Susie and Kris looked to each other having a whole conversation in glances alone but not saying a thing.
“I don’t know what’s happening,” Ralsei broke in carefully. “But maybe I have misunderstood something. I’m sorry if I –”
“No,” Noelle came over to Ralsei then, taking her hand in her own. “It’s not your fault, Ralsei. Please. Tell us how this started. Tell us what you thought?”
“I…” she looked around, hesitant now, knowing she’s missing something big.
Noelle just smiled encouragingly. So Ralsei tried again.
“I had noticed, um… with Kris first, I suppose. When we would be close, I could see they had the scars. And I thought to say something, but then I noticed Susie had them too, just more hidden under the scales. And they never said anything about it so I thought it must be a normal occurrence. Something you just… do. For some reason.”
“That’s why you hurt yourself?” Susie gulped.
She felt queasy. She had no idea Ralsei would do something like that. And now she couldn’t help but feel responsible.
Ralsei was so new to everything – to being a person. It should have been on them to take notice and say something to her. Instead she had followed their lead into something that hurt her.
“I didn’t get why, at first,” Ralsei went on, matter-of-fact. She turned to Noelle again. “Susie had talked about stabbing herself a few times. Like with the bed? That’s when I realised Kris might have also got hurt the same way. So then I tried it too after you both left that day and then I understood, it really worked.”
“Worked…?” Kris prompted. They shifted from side to side like they didn’t actually want to hear more.
“Mhm! It’s to keep yourself in check, isn’t it?”
“Ralsei…” Noelle looked horrified.
“I know we don’t always have to do that, but it makes it easier,” she went on. “I’m getting the feeling now that I was doing it wrong.” She glanced around at them apologetically, still smiling lightly. As if it were just a slip up. “You know, just something to redirect energy to, so it doesn’t distract from what we were doing? How were you both using it?”
“Ralsei, this isn’t… it’s not good for you.”
“For me?”
“For anyone,” Noelle looked towards Kris and Susie too.
“We didn’t mean to,” Kris said softly, holding Ralsei’s gaze, “but we gave you the wrong idea. All this time, you have been learning from us how to even be a person and…”
“We never talked about it…” Susie bit her lip.
“No one talks about anything in this town!”
Noelle’s outburst startled them all.
She looked furious, her eyes sharp and face getting a little red. Susie hadn’t seen her this angry since she had stood up to Queen all those days ago. And she was looking at both Susie and Kris like that; it made Susie want to make herself small somehow and disappear.
But Noelle wasn’t mad at them, not really. She softened just as quick, brows furrowing. Her voice still had an edge to it when she spoke.
“Kris… Susie… Isn’t this how it has always been? No one talks about what is happening around us, how any of it is affecting us. And so, we don’t talk either! No one talked about Dess after a while…” Ralsei moved to put a hand on Noelle’s shoulder. “Mom… she avoided saying anything at all, and Dad talked about anything but Mom. We always ignore things… What happened with Dess, what happened with Kris’ dad, what goes on in the classroom, no one talks about it!”
Noelle was right.
Susie had been in this town a while. People talked, alright – behind each other’s backs. Everyone talked behind her back about the kind of person she was, how she couldn’t get anything right, all the “issues” she had… but did anyone talk to her about them? Did she talk to anyone about them, even after making friends?
Toriel had asked her, many years ago, and Susie had taken the kindness for a one-time thing. But she never asked for it again and never expected it again.
And Kris… They had been her friend a while now too, but every chance they had to talk about anything real? She always chickened out. Asking about their family, asking about the bunker, asking about everything that bothered them. Even just talking about the way she used to treat them… It never happened.
It’s like they moved on without really passing through any of it at all. They always walked around the parts that were important and assumed it would be understood.
They saw each other’s scars and didn’t say a thing, because… why?
Susie wasn’t ever going to talk about it if she didn’t have to. But she didn’t ask either because she figured Kris would say something if they wanted to tell her. It’s not the kind of thing that you talk about… right? It would be too much to bring up.
But then, to someone who doesn’t know all this, how could it look any different than something that was just… normal? Something that didn’t have to be talked about because it didn’t matter because that’s just how things were?
It was worse. Ralsei didn’t know that’s how things were. She learned from them that this is how things are supposed to be.
“I –” Susie went to say.
“I’m sorry.”
Kris beat her to it. They were wringing their hands, but their eyes were trained on Ralsei.
“Kris…?” Ralsei’s eyes widened.
“Noelle is right, we never talked about anything… Everything you were going through – we were going through – we should have said more instead of letting you assume things.”
“Yeah,” Susie coughed. “We – uh… Look, Ralsei, just because we did that and never talked about it doesn’t mean you were also supposed to. I dunno about Kris but I guess I just – I’ve not had friends before to bring it up with. So, I didn’t know how. I know what I said when you made me that bed with the spikes, but honestly? Since that day I’ve actually thought about it way less.”
“Ah that’s… good?” Ralsei still seemed confused.
“It is,” Kris said firmly, looking at Susie too. “You don’t have to turn any of that inward, you can tell us… how you feel, when you need to stop or be upset.”
“Be angry,” Susie offered, awkwardly. Then blushed when everyone turned to look at her. “I mean… Y’know. If you gotta be angry you should. Sometimes I, uh, get too angry and when there’s no one else it’s easy to…”
“Get angry at yourself?” Noelle suggested gently.
Susie nodded.
“Yeah… Or it’s easy to get angry instead of feeling… anything else. Because I know how to feel angry.”
“Susie, you have come a long way,” Ralsei comforted her, and Susie got the feeling they were doing this backwards. “Whatever it is you feel, you can be yourself with us now.”
“I know that.” Susie tried for a grin, but her voice came out a little thick. “And so can you, so don’t try to keep it inside.”
Ralsei nodded, but she looked conflicted still.
“What is it?” Kris asked gently.
“O-oh, it’s nothing,” she dismissed, but the others were not going to let it go. Ralsei sighed. “I guess I didn’t realise it was such an issue at all. I’m confused… If everything heals in the end, and it helps us feel better and carry on, what’s so bad about it? I…” she looked away, pink dusting her cheeks, “I like how… I feel myself more, when I’m hurt. Is that so bad?”
Her voice had gotten smaller as she talked. She looked like she expected a rebuke, for something she didn’t even really understand. The other three had already been piled on the bed, but Kris came over now too.
Susie made space for them. She was feeling so utterly out of her depth with it all. But Kris would know what to do... They always did.
"That’s not what’s bad,” they said softly.
“What?!” Susie’s voice was too loud, but Kris didn’t pay her any mind. She couldn’t fathom where they were going with this. Of course it was bad! She tried to pass it as a joke because if she didn’t it would just… make the shame too real. Everyone said it was bad!
“It’s just not fair to you,” Kris went on, stilting. “It’s only easier to do this because you don’t want to bother anyone else. But… doesn’t that just make you see yourself as… disposable? Someone it is okay to hurt, to not inconvenience anyone else? It’s bad because… you start seeing yourself like that.”
“Like you’re less-than,” Noelle mused.
“And you’re not!” Susie butted in eagerly. “So just… tell us instead, okay? If you feel bad, or if you don’t feel like yourself. As much as you need to. Damnit, we should have said something.”
“No, it’s okay, Susie, you didn’t know,” Ralsei assured her. She looked between them guiltily. “Kris, Susie, I – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make light of this.” Her voice turned to a mumble. “I keep messing up, I fear. Taking things the wrong way. I didn’t think it could be hurting you both so much…”
Kris only hesitated a second before leaning forward to wrap her in their arms.
“It’s not on you.” The words were muffled against her.
Noelle nudged Susie. “Since when is Kris so open with hugs?” she whispered.
Susie rolled her eyes. “I dunno, dude, those two have always been like that with each other.”
Kris was mumbling something right into Ralsei’s ear which they couldn’t hear. When they pulled away, Ralsei nodded at them, her eyes a little wet.
“Thank you, Kris.”
“Kris, I…” Noelle trailed off. Susie nudged her. “I – I’m sorry. I should have said something too, tried to talk to you more… I had seen you were hurting and then it felt like you kept getting further away whenever I said anything and I – I was worried I might just make things worse. So, I stopped. But I’ve always hated that. We could always talk, couldn’t we, Kris? I should have asked about it.”
Kris stared at her for a long moment.
Susie knew Kris and Noelle had a long history. But it had become yet another thing she had simply not talked about, more worried about overstepping and pushing the matter. She hated being asked too many questions too. But maybe it was time things changed a little.
“I didn’t say anything either,” Kris admitted, “even though you hurt yourself too.”
“Um, no?” Noelle chuckled nervously. “I didn’t, Kris, what are you talking about? Besides, mom would kill me if she ever caught me doing that faha.” Her laugh tapered off.
“I know. That’s why you didn’t let yourself but… I,” Kris hesitated again, unsure if they should go on. But then they shook their head. “I always noticed. You pull your fur out all the time –”
“That’s just a nervous habit –”
“You held onto hot things with your bare hands too long. I saw the burns.”
Noelle was quiet now.
“You did everything so you could deny it but I knew better.”
“I…” Noelle’s eyes were wide, like she had been caught in the headlights. “I didn’t think… you’d see that.”
“Maybe I’m not the only one who could benefit from some clarity,” Ralsei soothed. She sidled up to Noelle, and reached a hand out to Susie too who took it instinctively, eyes still on Noelle. “Noelle… It sounds to me like none of you have been able to talk freely about this. Thank you for giving us the space to do so today. Maybe no one is as familiar with what that silence can do as you.”
Noelle had a hard time meeting anyone’s eyes.
“I just… It makes me so angry. Everyone knows that nothing is alright and we keep quiet about it. And it hurts people.”
“It hurt all of you,” Ralsei nodded.
“And you,” Susie grumbled. “Stop counting yourself out.”
“And me,” she allowed. “But now that Noelle has brought this up, maybe we can be open with each other in the future?”
“We will,” Susie declared. “We’re friends, right? Who cares if it’s awkward or too much sometimes. If we don’t push each other to talk who will?”
She stood up, met with three pairs of eyes that meant the world to her staring up at her. She grinned back at them.
“And next time, I’d rather it be ticks on Ralsei.”
“HEY!”
Ralsei was back to being furious, hitting Susie with a pillow while the other two told Susie she had it coming.
“Hey, quit that!” Susie laughed, running away from Ralsei’s unrelenting attacks.
“I’m! Literally! CLEAN! I take BATHS! You see this fluffy, maintained fur?? IT’S CLEAN!”