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𝒪𝓁𝓇𝓊𝑔𝑔𝒾𝑜,
Tonight you said some of the most kindest words any person has ever said. I wanted so desperately to say such things back.
But, how could I? I am not allowed such a luxury that comes anywhere close to the words you spoke to me tonight.
You rediscovered my secret, yet again. You forgave me, Yet again.
How long will it be before you do not forgive me? I believe I have had enough chances already, and it's only been the twice.
I truly hope that this will be the last time.
I am sorry, my heart.
𝒬𝒾𝒻𝓇𝑒𝓎
𝒪𝓁𝓇𝓊𝑔𝑔𝒾𝑜,
I begged you to stop speaking. I did not want to do this again, but you could not hold your tongue.
I am so angry with you - furious, in fact. But, I also have to understand that you were simply letting your heart speak. I can't be sure whether I can even remember the words you said. All I could think about, all I could feel, was the silverwood itching beneath my skin. It wants you. This parasite inside me wants you. It wants you just as much as I do.
The fact this had to happen again makes me fear how many more times we must live through this repetitive cruelty.
Every time you make me promise. Every time you let me take a piece of you. Every time you forgive me.
𝒬𝒾𝒻𝓇𝑒𝓎
𝒪𝓁𝓇𝓊𝑔𝑔𝒾𝑜,
Again. It happened again so soon.
I loathe the idea that you ever met me. You did not ever deserve to suffer this fate alongside myself.
You are the brightest light, one that was designed to be shared with the world. Yet, you focus your light on me. A light so bright it blinds me.
Or, at least... I wish it would blind me. So, I do not have to see it drain from your own eyes whenever I erase you.
I am leaving tonight. It is cowardly, I know. But, it is the only way I can keep our promise and keep you safe.
Please, do not search for me. Let these letters be enough to remind you that I love you so dearly and that leaving you is the only way I can prove that.
You have saved me many times before. Let this be the time I save you.
I will wrap your ribbon around my heart to remind me to keep our promise, even if we must be apart.
Please trust me.
𝒬𝒾𝒻𝓇𝑒𝓎
𝒪𝓁𝓇𝓊𝑔𝑔𝒾𝑜,
I could not make it beyond the mountain ranges before the silverwood threatened to take me. I assume the cause was the relief of leaving this time.
You came to find me too. Even though I had told you not to. I guess, in a way, I am grateful for that. For if you had not have come in time, I would have been transformed and my promise to you would have been broken.
This is why I had to erase your memories of my secret and these letters. I will still keep them for you, I am sure that one day you will have to read them again.
You are asleep as I pen this entry. I will contact Beldaruit this evening regarding the Arklaum apprenticeship. I know I did not exactly consult you about this, but I'm sure you will also forgive me for that.
Perhaps the stress of finally being a Master will help soothe the parasite beneath my skin. Perhaps she will be the key to allowing me to keep you close
It is selfish, I know. I already feel the need to retch at how low I have sunken.
I hope and pray this will help fix us.
I am sorry I am like this.
𝒬𝒾𝒻𝓇𝑒𝓎
𝒪𝓁𝓇𝓊𝑔𝑔𝒾𝑜,
It was my fault this time, I let my love slip from my loose, willowgrape stained lips. I became foolish and complacent, fuelled by too much indulgence. I allowed myself to live a little too freely, without thinking of these repetitive consequences.
Your smile was so lovely though. That crooked, toothy grin that I adore so much lit up my world for but a moment, before I had to ruin it all once again.
How could you forgive me for that? One day, when I give you these letters and I hope that you will not.
𝒬𝒾𝒻𝓇𝑒𝓎
𝒪𝓁𝓇𝓊𝑔𝑔𝒾𝑜,
I love you.
This vile creature loves you. I have little energy this morning to write more than that.
𝒬𝒾𝒻𝓇𝑒𝓎
𝒪𝓁𝓇𝓊𝑔𝑔𝒾𝑜,
Years. We made it years this time.
I spent the last 3 years living with the anxiety that I may need to erase your memories at any moment. But, I wish I could go back now. Back to the last time it happened, so I can allow myself to enjoy these past 3 years together without that anxiety. Perhaps it may keep the silverwood at bay knowing that at the end, I will still be sat here, penning you a letter after erasing you again.
It's nice to dream, is it not?
You are still sleeping currently on the couch you helped me reupholster last week. Both Tetia and Agott were concerned, but I assured them you have been overworked. Just another lie that slipped so easily from my lips.
They have both fallen asleep beside you, Agott with her wand still in hand. They love you in their own way. A much purer love than I could ever show you.
I'd like to imagine I can sleep just as peacefully by your side one day.
I wonder how many years we will make this time?
𝒬𝒾𝒻𝓇𝑒𝓎
P.S. You just started speaking in your sleep. Something about the summer fruits from the market? I'll make sure breakfast is extra special for you all tomorrow.
𝒪𝓁𝓇𝓊𝑔𝑔𝒾𝑜,
Twelve days. We only had twelve retched days before this had to happen again. I will make you the same breakfast with the fruit jams I preserved. You enjoyed them the last time, even though your tunic still dons the pink stain from when you dropped the pastry down you.
I like that stain whenever you wear it. It reminds me of my sins.
𝒬𝒾𝒻𝓇𝑒𝓎
𝒪𝓁𝓇𝓊𝑔𝑔𝒾𝑜,
Allow me to be a little self-indulgent for a moment, as one day when you read all these, I would like you to look back at this memory with fondness whether you remember or not.
Your skin felt so warm against mine tonight, your hands and lips felt like heaven. The way your voice stroked my very soul with things I had never dared dream of hearing. You surprised me, actually. I knew you had a mouth on you, but I scarcely thought I would hear such ravenous things spilling from your lips.
As selfish as I may sound, it was wonderful seeing you fall to pieces in front of me. I will think about it for many, many years to come.
I hope by writing this down, it will remind me of what you'd liked – so I can gift you this evening all over again, if I am ever to be freed from this curse.
If you choose to forgive me again, that is.
I am so hopelessly in love with you, but from the look on your face this evening… I think I showed you that.
𝒬𝒾𝒻𝓇𝑒𝓎
P.S. I have read this back in the cold light of day and I am mortified by my lust. I promised myself I would never dispose of my letters to you. So, when you get this one, please spare me my embarrassment and do not tease me for it.
You did look lovely though.
𝒪𝓁𝓇𝓊𝑔𝑔𝒾𝑜,
This time was… different. In every instance before, you had offered yourself to me, but tonight? I erased you before you even had a chance to speak.
"What are you–?" That is all you said, I did not even grace you with the opportunity to finish your sentence before I snatched away your consent. I'm sure you would have offered yourself once more, but it was still so retched of me to assume. I have begged the stars each time this happens to us that you will not forgive me. So, perhaps that isn't something I desire either.
I so desperately want your forgiveness, yet I feel terrified that one day you will turn your back and leave me to rot. I am unable to face losing you, but I am unable to face loving you either.
I miss how it used to be when we were boys. The days seemed brighter and full of promise and hope. The evenings felt warm even in the coldest depths of winter. I am certain you miss it and my heart craves hearing you reminisce along with me too.
The silverwood is getting far more aggressive as I grow older and I think tonight is why I took it upon my selfish self to erase you. I was scared. I still am. Every day I am terrified. I feel it, scratching behind both eyes. It weaves itself between my ribs and tangles around my aching heart whenever you look at me with your own tired, devoted eyes.
Please, let this be the final time. For I worry how much each memory erasure affects you. I have not yet explored the true nature of repetitive memory wipes, but it frightens me to the point that I am unable to.
I am and always will be eternally grateful for your kindness, your light and your love. Maybe one day, we can sleep just as you are now, side by side without this darkness within me threatening to ruin our peace.
Thank you for forgiving me.
Thank you for saving me.
Thank you for believing that I can be good, even though I am yet to see proof of that.
I do not think that you wish for me to be the 'same Master Qifrey I have always been'. He has done terrible, violent things to you. Instead, I hope in our future I can gift you a new Qifrey. One who you are safe from and who will never lay another finger on you unless it is through nothing but adoration.
I will find him one day, offer him to you and allow you the option of whether to accept him or not.
He will be able to love you in the ways I have not.
You are so beautiful when you sleep, my love. My darling star. My Olly… and hopefully one day soon, my forever.
𝒬𝒾𝒻𝓇𝑒𝓎