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Intern felt yucky. Really, really bad. It didn't know why.
The day had started normal. Working at the hospital. Doing as it was told. Trying its best to be good. But then things had gone different, bad, different.
Intern wasn't compromised. No one knew it was anomaly, still. It hadn't gotten in any big trouble yet. Dr. Harlow seemed satisfied with the work Intern was doing.
Everything was fine. It was supposed to be, anyway. But it wasn't.
Nurse had invited Intern to the employee groupchat. Intern knew there was such thing, it hadn't been in that basement long enough to be unaware of how society worked, but it'd never expected to be added. It was just the intern, after all. But Nurse had seemed excited to have it there.
Intern never should have joined. And it was too late to leave, it would hurt everyone's feelings. But the groupchat was constant, always pinging back and forth in conversation.
Intern had forgot how bad lots of talk was. There was little to no time for chit-chat at the hospital, and certainly not enough for multiple people at once. The waiting room could get noisy, but Intern ignored it easily since it didn't know anyone there.
But this groupchat? Intern had an obligation to interact, didn't it? And it couldn't stand it. Too full. Too much.
It would've been OK, maybe, if Agent had been there. But xe was off during Intern's shift. That hurt. Every time Intern had to struggle through another lonely shift was another time it thought about breaking down and giving up entirely, going back to Dr. Harlow and receiving the punishment for an unfulfilled mission.
It'd go to Nurse, then, if Agent wasn't there. It'd say a lot less and cling a lot less, but even just talking a little could get the job done. But Nurse's shift had ended soon after Intern's had begun. He was long gone, now.
Well. It could just text her. But the thought was mortifying. Intern didn't want to presume its social standing, it didn't deserve to think texting her when he was probably busy would be OK.
Intern felt gross. Like its own body was rejecting it. It and all the trouble it caused. Its own mind forcing it out for ever daring to be inadequate. Because that's what it was, wasn't it? Opening the groupchat had only revealed a terrible truth to Intern, one it'd already known. That it wasn't special enough for love. And now its mind and body hated it for reality sinking in.
It deserved it. It wasn't good enough.
It stumbled down the hall of medical rooms. The patient in room 2 had dry eyes and low blood sugar. Intern swiped the eyedrops off the shelf, then turned to grab the maple syrup. It was in front of the syrup shelf. When had it gotten here? It was too hard to process such things.
Intern found itself yearning to steal a bottle of maple syrup for itself out of habit. Its stomach churned, suddenly disgusted by the thought. The feeling was new, but Intern understood. It didn't deserve any form of comfort. It wasn't enough.
Tears pushed at the back of its eyes. They didn't fall. Intern wasn't enough.
It moved through the curing process without thinking. Easier to just not think than to think about the hard stuff.
Intern was too much. Too new. Too weird. Too bad. Too much. It wasn't enough. Wasn't experienced. Wasn't fast. Wasn't easy. Wasn't enough.
Intern was back in the hall leading from the waiting room, checking to see if anyone else was coming back.
Security manned the check-in counter, Doc chatting absently as Doc poured a cup of coffee. Intern stepped inside.
It wasn't entirely sure why it went in. Not for coffee, Doc had just taken the last batch and more would have to be brewed. Not to help Security, ve was doing very well on their own. Maybe Intern just wanted attention. Of course. Intern always just wanted attention.
"Hello, Intern," Doc greeted easily, sipping on coffee.
Intern nodded its response. Words were caught in its throat.
"What brings you here?" Security muttered. "Thought you'd be busy."
Intern curled in on itself slightly. Security was right. Intern needed to be out working right now, not bothering anyone. It felt terrible. Yucky.
"Oh, don't be like that," Doc said, "Intern can come in whenever it wants."
Security looked up, brow knit in confusion. "I was merely asking a question? I simply didn't expect to see it here."
Intern felt its breathing as if that wasn't actually its body moving. It was Wrong Wrong Wrong Bad Bad Bad—it shouldn't be here.
It never should have expected friendship. It never deserved friendship. It felt disgusted. Ugly.
It fled. Ran back down to the medical rooms. Felt like a scared bunny. Hated feeling like that. Felt like Dr. Harlow's experiments. Terrified.
Voice rose from room 2, "I'm hungry…" but Intern didn't hear it. Thoughts too loud in its head. Useless Useless Useless. Just be better. Do better, idiot, what are you thinking? Intern hated messing up. Always messed up.
The door to room 2 swung opened. Intern turned. Too slow.
Hands. Claws. Grabbed grabbed grabbed—Touching It. Bad bad bad. Teeth. Closer, closer, gonna hurt hurt hurt. Scared. It's scared. Didn't want to be Hurt.
Nothing more than a scared bunny, Intern screamed.
Intern's head throbbed. It sobbed, tears flowing freely as it sat on the floor, shaking.
"Oh, dear, oh no," Doc rambled as Doc tried to comfort it (Doc's attempts were terrible, in fact Intern would much prefer if it would Stop Being Touched hurts hurts hurts please don't.)
"Intern?" Security pressed, searching for a response.
Intern couldn't give one. Its body didn't feel real in any capacity. Just a weeping, trembling, sack of a dead person. Intern didn't want to be here anymore. Everything Hurt.
Security stood up. Intern couldn't focus, but their voice drifted down to it.
"I know it's your day off but—OK, let me finish, I think Intern needs you. It was just a skinwalker, I tased it before it did anything! Intern's just like… panicking and I honestly don't have a clue how to fix that and Doc sucks at this so I thought you should know or whatever."
Who was Security talking to? Intern couldn't process it. Doc Kept Touching It. But intern couldn't speak. Couldn't get Doc away.
"Let's take Intern back to check-in at least," Security decided.
"You hear that? C'mon, let's stand up!"
Intern hated Doc, maybe. Its body wouldn't move.
"OK, Doc, this isn't working," Security sighed. "You go away—or, go meet them at the door. I'll handle managing patients."
"Xe's actually coming? Xe needn't worry, I had this covered," Doc said.
Please Please Please Everybody Leave.
Tears tears tears, it couldn't stop crying. It's whole mind was shot. Nothing made sense. Just wanted to be alone.
Was alone, finally. Couldn't think. Couldn't feel. Couldn't do. Was just. Scared Scared Scared, couldn't Get Out.
Was. Long time. Never felt better. Well. Barely started feeling again. Feeling terrible. Wanted to not be here anymore, couldn't stand it.
"Intern!"
Familiar voice. Intern tried to look up. Couldn't tell what was happening.
Something sat down in front of it. Something black.
"Can I touch you? Nod or shake," the voice said breathlessly.
Wait? Intern tried desperately to blink back tears. Agent?
It was them, right in front of it. The person who made Intern feel alive.
Intern nodded as quickly as it could, the attempt shaky.
And then. Hug. Safe? Safe! It was Agent and Intern was safe, finally finally finally. Warm, close, Agent, felt good good good. Really good.
Intern sunk into the feeling. Never wanted to leave.
"Baby, I'm here, I'm here," Agent whispered.
Safe safe safety. Intern hugged back, chest pained with desperate sobs. Agent was here.
"It's OK, honey, it'll be alright. I'm here now. I'm sorry I ever left you alone, baby," Agent continued.
Intern just shoved its face into Agent's shoulder, absorbing the comfort comfort comfort. Felt nice. Really, really nice. Didn't want to leave, ever ever ever.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Their voice was so soft, so sweet.
Intern shook its head, trying to sniffle back its cries. It couldn't talk, felt really really unable, just can't.
"That's OK, honey. I bet you were really scared, though. Being attacked by a skin walker? That's terrifying, I know," Agent said, rocking it gently back and forth.
Intern sniffed, but Agent's words and presence were genuinely comforting. Xe was the best. Xe really, really was.
"You're very strong, though, I'd say. You made it through! Sorry I couldn't save you myself, love, I would've if i could," they continued.
Was it strong? Hard to believe. Agent didn't lie, but… they could just be wrong. Not a happy thought, but more… reasonable.
Agent's silky paws came up, tapping Intern's cheeks. Xe increased the pressure gently, lightly massaging its temples with xir fingertips. Intern let its eyes slip closed, wanting to relish the comforting closeness.
It was hard to feel anything at all. Intern wanted to feel better. Just felt badbadbad.
"You're OK. You're OK. I'm here, you're safe, you're not being attacked, you're here with me," Agent murmured.
The words were nice. Really, really nice. Intern didn't know how to believe them. It couldn't stop crying, shaking, being annoying, burdensome, useless.
Agent pulled it in even closer, wrapping xir arms completely around it. Melting, melting, warm, soft. Intern didn't feel nice enough to deserve niceness.
"You're safe. You're safe," Agent repeated quietly.
Intern really, really wanted to be safe. It felt numb. Stopped crying, didn't know when. Brain felt gooey. Felt bad, hollow, yucky. But wasn't crying, at least.
How long had it been? Time was long, short, too hard to track. But Agent was still here, so not too long? Hopefully.
"Can you move, darling?" Agent asked softly. "It's OK if you need help."
It wasn't OK, but whatever. Intern slowly, shakily, wiped its eyes. Felt hard. Felt weak.
The tear crust wouldn't leave. Eyes felt all gummy and yucky.
"I'm not going to leave you to finish the shift on your own," Agent began. Intern's breath hitched. Xe continued, "How could I defend you, then?"
Oh, that's true. But Intern didn't want to force Agent to stay when they had a day off just to make it feel better. Intern was too much. How could Agent want to deal with it?
"Ready to stand up?" Agent asked kindly.
No. Intern was bad bad bad. Should listen. Do what Agent wants.
Intern forced itself to nod. It felt like it hurt. It was imagining it, it thought, probably, hopefully. Didn't want to mess up. Always messing up.
"I've got you, darling, don't worry," Agent murmured as they moved xir arms down around its waist.
Xe pulled it with them as Agent stood. The sudden rush was disorientating, confusing, weird. Intern felt tears prick at the back of its eyes as if they wanted to flow again, but it was too dehydrated for that to happen anymore.
Agent's soft paw found its way around Intern's, holding it tightly. Comforting. Nice. Undeserved.
Intern didn't know how to articulate. Didn't know how to do anything but follow Agent as they led them down the hall. Didn't know how to be good.
Agent shouldn't be doing this. Shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't. Should be at home. Killing anomalies or whatever xe did in their freetime. Not watching Intern. Not babying Intern. It didn't matter how much Intern wanted it. Because it didn't want Agent to want it. Agent deserved so much better. Shouldn't be tearing xirself apart just to defend a weakling that deserved it if it got hurt.
They went in rooms. They healed patients. Intern watched its body do this. Watched Agent silently walk it through every step. Couldn't think. Couldn't be there. Couldn't believe it was letting Agent get away with this. Couldn't believe how much it wanted this.
They stopped by the syrup shelves. Agent, going above and beyond, passed an extra bottle to Intern.
Intern liked eating plain maple syrup. Everyone knew this, even if they would never be aware why. Agent shouldn't be doing this. Trying to care so much. Forcing xirself to like Intern.
It pulled itself from xir grasp, stumbling forward to replace the bottle on its shelf.
"Intern?" Agent wondered.
"D—don't bother," Intern whispered.
Talking was hard. So hard. But it had to talk. Had to make Agent understand.
"Hey, we can spare a bit for you, love. Don't worry," they soothed.
"It's not—listen," it pleaded, voice stilted.
Agent's arms hovered awkwardly, like they wanted to hold Intern again but wasn't sure if we could. Xe didn't say anything, so Intern swallowed and tried to continue.
"Don't make yourself… care… about me, or—pretend, or… anything," it said, ears drooping.
"I'm sorry I keep making you think you have to love me," it wanted to add, but the strength was too hard to come by.
"Darling," Agent breathed, eyes suddenly so concerned, (so concerned it hurt how bad Intern wanted to give in.) "I want to help you, I swear I do."
Intern shook its head, no no no. It didn't matter if Agent did want because they shouldn't want! Agent didn't see what it saw—that it Wasn't Worth It.
"What's wrong? I don't understand what's bothering you but I want to help," xe said, nose scrunching in that certain way that meant xe wished we could do better.
But they were already doing more than enough! And they didn't get it. Intern didn't know how to tell xem.
Yucky yucky yucky. Intern wasn't enough. It felt terrible. It opened its mouth, breath speeding as it tried to convey itself.
"I'm not—you shouldn't… not worth a—anything, y'know?" it confessed. "I'm, uh… please stop."
Agent's ears wilted, a clear signal of distress. Intern flinched, hunching its shoulders as it curled into itself.
"No, sorry, I…" xe trailed off.
Intern sniffed. It probably wouldn't start crying again, but it really felt like it. It almost wished it could just start wailing again and just forget everything.
"Baby, you know you're one of the most important people in the world to me, right?" Agent asked, voice edging on desperation.
Intern couldn't nod, because how could that be true? It was impossible.
"Well, you are, OK? I don't run all the way here just for anyone," they continued.
Oh. Oh no, Agent had run all the way here Intern didn't deserve this it didn't.
"And I promise I… I love you, so much, OK?" Agent said, fidgeting xir paws together.
Intern covered its mouth, a dry sob escaping. Agent was wrong, xe had to be, they had to be…
"I'm here for you, I always am."
It sounded really, really appealing. Intern almost wanted to believe it.
"But…" it choked.
"Can I hold your hand?" Agent asked.
Intern couldn't verbalize, just grabbed the paw itself in answer. Agent gripped back, squeezing comfortingly.
"The groupchat," Intern forced its mouth to say.
Agent's ears perked up. "Yes, you were added. I saw. Is there something wrong with it? I can help, darling."
Intern nodded jerkily. "No—I—" it stammered. "It's… me?"
"Oh, honey," xe breathed. "You're not wrong, you're perfect."
Intern grabbed its floppy ear with its freehand, tugging. "You don't get it!" it gasped. "I'm not—good enough. Special."
Agent reached out, curling their fingers around the paw holding its ear, prying it off. "No, no, you are special. So special. What makes you think you're not?"
Intern wasn't enough, it knew that. That had been proven to it time and time again. Agent wouldn't accept the fact, despite everyone else knowing it. Intern squeezed its eyes shut. How many times did it have to say this.
"Hate me," it muttered, hands trembling in xir grasp.
"Of course not!" Agent denied instantly. "If anyone hates you, I swear, I will hunt them down. Love, darling… I could never hate you, no matter what anyone says, I promise."
"I'm… I—but I'm always like this! I'm never how I should be! I'm annoying and hard to deal with and forcing you to like me and—you should give up, you really should, I don't want to hurt you but I'm hurting you so please… leave me to the fate I deserve, OK? Don't force yourself, don't let me force you, please, please, don't let me hurt you." It all burst out, it could barely process what it was saying, didn't know how it was suddenly spilling everything it couldn't say, but it felt like relief.
Surely, surely, Agent would understand now.
"No, baby, can I hug you?" they asked, voice trembling as if they were about to cry.
Intern flung itself into Agent's embrace felt like home, felt like love. "You're not supposed to love me," it cried, hugging as tight as it could.
"I don't care what I'm 'supposed' to do, love, I just want to be with you. You've never truly hurt me and you never will, because I love you and I know you and I know you are amazing and wonderful and… you could never deserve anything bad. No one deserves that, including you," xe responded, squeezing it close. "I know it's hard to believe, I know it's a lot to take in, but I'm here for you, always am, and can swear it's all done out of my freewill. You've never forced me to do anything for you because I want to love you and you've never ever given me a reason not to love you."
Agent was supposed to be wrong. They had to be.
Xe pressed a soothing kiss to its forehead.
It just hugged and hugged and said, "OK," because… maybe it wanted to believe xe was right.
It wanted to believe it was good enough. For Agent. For love.
Wanted to be loved. Felt really, really nice. It wanted to believe it was OK to have this. And Agent wanted it to have it. So, maybe… it was OK.
Maybe Intern could be good enough. At least for today. At least for right now.