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Sasuke is learning to live with one arm and one eye. His rinnegan is still in his skull, thanks to the combined efforts of his team, and he's not sure whether to thank them or scold them. It's a powerful weapon, earned through great bloodshed and granting too much power. He wants to pass it on to someone who wouldn't be a threat to the world. He doesn't want to give it away, because if someone else wants to destroy the world again, he needs the power to protect his loved ones.
But he's been ordered to wear an eyepatch, which only exacerbates his coordination problems - but Sasuke will learn. He's an Uchiha, and his entire life has been dedicated to adapting to new circumstances - so he'll get through it. There are no other options.
Kakashi jokes about how he should get a disability pension, but he sticks to his book when Sasuke asks where his pension is, because the Copy Ninja only used his second eye on the battlefield.
By the time they leave the hospital, Sasuke can run an obstacle course without tripping and juggle three kunais. Naruto can't even with two hands, and he's very annoyed about it.
***
They live together, because of course Naruto would rather bite someone - including Sasuke himself - in the throat than leave a distance between them. Everyone is surprisingly silent about how unhealthy that is. Sakura purses her lips, but doesn't protest either, and Sasuke himself has only few arguments against it, because he wants it, but isn't sure he can handle it - even if he's even less sure about what exactly is wrong.
But Naruto doesn't ask anyone, so they live together in a new apartment that was built after Konoha was rebuilt. It's empty and uninhabited, and it's just another series of lessons that he has to learn.
Sasuke's experience of living with someone is a spectrum between his family and his team - both of his teams - and none of that applies here, so he's learning everything from scratch. Almost - because Naruto remains unchanged, familiar, and stable, and Sasuke recognizes him by the soft footsteps on the floorboards on quiet evenings and the way he sets his handmade mug on the table in the morning. There's something between them, something incomprehensible, unknown, unspoken, barely in clear form, but they're still familiar in a way no one else is. So he'll manage. There's no other option.
***
Unlike Naruto, who is swamped with chores, Sasuke is restricted in his movement, so he learns to live without active movement. It reminds him of his childhood, when his daily worries were limited to his studies at the academy, his training, and his household chores. He learns to cook for just two people, and to cook in a way that Naruto will eat, and it's absurd how someone so unpretentious can be so stubborn about eating vegetables. He remembers his mother's recipes, regrets that her notebooks were lost, and borrows new ones from the library. He's learning to cook her dishes.
He's learning to cry for her again - for the woman who was his first love, who taught him what it was like to love and be loved, how to tie his hair in a high ponytail and trim the tomatoes in the garden. It's been so long since Sasuke has given in to mourning that isn't tainted by anger, to simple, all-consuming grief for what's been lost, that when he finally breaks down and cries for the first time, he sits huddled around the damn recipe book for a couple of hours. The ingredients are scattered around the kitchen, which is as messy as he is, and this is how Naruto finds him in the evening.
And because Naruto is also learning new things, he doesn't try to encourage him, doesn't push him, doesn't say anything. He brings Sasuke a blanket, and Sasuke is truly grateful because his back is freezing, but he can't get up, can't move, as if all the memories he's been avoiding for so long have become an unbearable weight - but when Naruto hands him a blanket, Sasuke can't say thank you, he can only recoil from that palm, hitting the back of his head on the headset.
He hasn't learned to look and to not see blood, think about bruises and internal injuries, or about what if. And right now, he doesn't have the strength or the courage to claim that he can learn anything.
Naruto leaves the kitchen, but Sasuke knows that he's just standing in the hallway, leaning against the wall, hidden from view. He knows that he is there, and it both comforts and hurts him.
But Naruto is learning to be tactful and neat from the lessons Sakura has taught him, and Sasuke is trying to remember his own homework.
He knows Naruto is right there, and he doesn't bother to raise his voice when he starts talking. About how they planted flowers in the early spring, how his mother used to make a special tea for the equinox, how his father first gave him the family katana, and how he used to play hide-and-seek throughout the compound with his nephews. It's a thousand small moments that wouldn't matter to anyone but him and Naruto. Because Naruto cares, about people and emotions and Sasuke, and he knows that Naruto will cherish these stories as much as he does.
And he exhales, leaning against the wood of the locker and closing his eyes, because these people won't be forgotten when he leaves, as long as Naruto remembers them.
"You can stop standing there."
He enters quietly, with a keen, watchful gaze, but there is no judgment or pity in it. Naruto does not extend his hand, but simply looks on, waiting. This unusual patience is amusing.
"Help me cook dinner. I'll teach you a new recipe."
And when they happen to touch with their fingers, or thighs, or elbows, when they're fighting, he doesn't think about blood, or sunset, or the end - only about the home that it was once. The home that it might become one day.
***
He learn not only new skills, but information. About what Konoha, its inhabitants, the system and its classmates have become. Even about Naruto himself.
For example, he didn't know that he was really good at growing seedlings.
"No one would sell me spices, so I had to get creative," he scratches his nose, and a second later, sneezes from the dust that gets into it. It's charming and ridiculous, and Sasuke resists the urge to pinch his nose because he's wearing dirty gloves.
A second later, he changes his mind and pulls Naruto's tanned nose, because his indignant mumbling is hilarious.
"You're kidding me", the great hero of Konoha, who looks like a child who has a toy waved in front of his face - perhaps that's what Sasuke stayed for. "You take advantage of the fact that I can't touch you to torture me with impunity."
He sticks his tongue out at Naruto, laughing at his pouty face, because the alternative would be to get emotional about how Uzumaki keeps caring for him day after day, in a way that no one has tried since his family died, and Sasuke isn't ready for that kind of emotion in the light of day.
They go back to transplanting the seedlings into larger pots. And this is another lesson he's learning, and he's enjoying it - the silence around Naruto. It's... it's strangely comforting, being in silence when they've spent their entire lives talking. Or rather, Naruto has been talking, and Sasuke has been pretending most of the time that he has nothing to say in response. But right now, they don't need words, except for the occasional request for a tool or a comment about the process, and that's normal, that's natural.
They struggle to arrange all the pots, boxes, and half-bottles on the balcony, and Naruto complains that they don't have enough space, and Sasuke knows that he doesn't mean it, but he can't stop thinking about how Naruto has never had a home of his own in any sense of the word, and he wants to give it to him.
He's not sure he can, but he'll try. He'll learn. There are no other options.
***
He's still forbidden from using the rinnegan, but they didn't dare take away his other eye, so Sasuke uses the sharingan: to cut vegetables faster, to avoid hitting the nightstand, and to watch Naruto fight their classmates, trying to gain a diverse range of experiences. His style is one-sided and established, and although they are considered the strongest ninja alive, life has taught them that there is always someone stronger, so Naruto learns new tricks.
Sasuke watches from afar, concealing his chakra from any sparring partner who is forced to train their jinchūriki, but leaving a little for his Anbu pursuers. This is also a training session for him, to be stealthy, patient, and attentive, but not in a violent way.
He memorizes and analyzes Naruto's fighting style, the microscopic changes in his tactics and movements, thinking about how he could adapt, how they could fight back-to-back in a way they couldn't before, being on opposite sides. He knows Naruto's fighting style better than anyone, but it's still fascinating to observe from the sidelines.
On good days, he can convince himself that it's all for the greater good and will make them more effective as a team in the future. On other days, Sasuke wants to leave, gouge out his eyes, or even better, stand in front of a mirror and put himself under genjutsu, erasing all this knowledge because he doesn't want to, should not, has no right to know when and how to strike to make Naruto's lungs gurgle with blood.
At one point, he almost does it - he's standing in front of a mirror with his sharingan activated. And his hands are shaking, his lips are trembling, just like his shoulders, and it's a terrible inopportune moment, but he has to do it. But he keeps looking, staring at the three tomoe that don't transition into the intricate pattern of the mangekyou. He sees a ridiculous garland of yellow and purple flowers in the reflection, which they had recently cut out of paper. He sees a sticker on the floor that fell off the refrigerator, which says that they need to buy more soy sauce. He sees his own hair, which is perfectly styled and cut, because he can't go to a barber and can't cut his own hair, but he can easily give the scissors to Naruto.
And he. He can't. He should, but he can't. He should erase this knowledge about Naruto's weaknesses, about how to defeat him, but - what a sick joke of fate - he is their hero's worst weakness. It's obvious and beyond doubt. It's been proven dozens, hundreds of times.
If he does anything to himself, it will kill Naruto in a way that even Sasuke can't kill him. If he erases these memories, who will remember how desperately beautiful the nine-tailed jinchūriki looks when he fights with full determination? Who will cover his back if no one knows when this asshole opens up?
He moves the mirror from the bedroom to the hallway for a couple of days and doesn't show up for Naruto's next few sparring sessions, instead spending the time on various household tasks. No one says anything, but it doesn't feel like avoidance. It's waiting, although Sasuke isn't entirely sure what they're waiting for.
***
Living in a shinobi village, in an ancient clan of warriors and protectors, taught him that you can never stop growing, that you must keep moving forward, and if you can't walk, you must crawl. As long as you have the strength to breathe, you have the strength to move.
Since he left the village, Sasuke had been running rather than walking. The world hadn't yet been shattered by the flames of war, but the war within him had been raging for years, fueling his progress. It was a civil war between his head and his heart, between what he had lost and what he had never found, between all the what ifs, between the dreams he barely dared to pursue and the goals he couldn't quite catch up with.
But the war is over, and although there is still no peace in the world, it is on the horizon. The nations are coming together, rallying, stitching themselves back together, just as the Sage once wanted them to be. It is unknown how long this peace will last, who will betray whom at what point, and perhaps a new danger awaits them from nowhere, but for now, everything is calm, and people are slowly moving forward/
Sasuke discovers that not only in the life of a shinobi, but also in the life of a civilian, there are always steps to be achieved.
He feels a little, just a little, guilty, because everyone around him is busy rebuilding the village, and he's the only one sitting around doing nothing. Just a little bit, because they've dismissed him, and because he still feels only a little bit of remorse for what he was going to do. He won't interfere with his former classmates, his former friends, his former enemies, as they rebuild their rotten system, because he knows they'll do a better job than he could.
He understands that now - and he knew it then, but he brushed it off - that he would have been a terrible manager. He would not have been able to rebuild the society that he was about to plunge into the fire of change. In fact, he was not thinking about rebirth - he simply wanted to erase and purify the tainted parts of their ancestors' once-great legacy.
But these people, these children, whom he had never given a thought to for most of his life, they can do it. And they will do it well.
Although he can't help them, he can make their lives a little easier in other ways.
***
It's funny how easy it is to keep an eye on someone in a village full of ninjas. At some point, you get used to being under constant surveillance and stop responding to the whispers of your survival instinct in favor of getting things done efficiently. Sasuke takes advantage of the fact that everyone he knows is busy with work to gather information about their lives.
If the Anbu assigned to him are wondering about his behavior, they don't report it to anyone. Or maybe they do, but Kakashi doesn't care about his little hobby.
He starts small. As with Naruto, Sasuke's first step is to study their eating habits. He keeps a notebook with colorful blocks, filling it with colorful pens - a gift from Suigetsu in the Land of Tea, a reminder that his jerks are still alive - and these actions are so uncharacteristic of him that, at some point, their novelty begins to bring him pleasure.
He leaves small containers of food on the desks in the workrooms, in the locker rooms, and on the windowsills. It's easy for some of his comrades to get into their homes, and he leaves notes for them to update their security systems. Being smart, they don't eat what a stranger has left behind - at least Shikamaru, Sakura, and Hinata don't. The others are tempted by the sudden home-cooked meals in the middle of their workday.
He can't influence their daily routines, although at one point, Sasuke visits the mission-issuing department and cleans up their archives. It's a mess with no system, and he almost wants to wring the neck of the chunin responsible, but Ino manages to stop him.
They spend a surprisingly pleasant evening talking about the Anbu system, jonins, and Root. About corruption. About their interrogation department. He's never had much respect for the Yamanaka, only a slight unease at their abilities, but Ino has grown from a loud-mouthed girl into a strong and intelligent woman who reminds him of one of his many aunts, an officer with two children who was loyal to her village and clan to the core.
And because the point of all this running around was to somehow make these people feel better, he tells it to her face, that she's become strong and worthy of respect.
Ino freezes in surprise, then frowns, and then laughs - sarcastically and with a touch of bitterness. It all happens quickly, but Sasuke doesn't feel lost because he was expecting it.
"Thank you, I guess, but I don't really care about your opinion of me, Sasuke-kun." He tries not to grimace too obviously, but she just smirks even more sarcastically when he fails. "The time when I cared about your interest in me is long gone."
"It's not an interest," Sasuke tries to even out his voice, to mimic Jugo's calm and polite manner of speech so that he doesn't get misunderstood, "but a show of respect. I'm learning to be honest, and it seemed important and needful to say it out loud."
He sees the bitterness fade from her face, replaced by a look of contemplation. This time, her emotions change slowly, cautiously, as if she expects him to say that it's a joke or a test. He waits, observing her as she reflects on his words, his actions, and everything she has seen in the past.
"That's a good trend for you," the blonde taps her finger on her lip, taking one last look at the street outside the cafe. He can feel the moment when she stops being the composed and cautious kunoichi and returns to the bold girl she always was. "But it's quite foolish for a shinobi."
"I'm not going to be open with enemies," Sasuke groans, and she laughs, first in surprise and then in amusement, "only with allies, Ino, don't mock me."
"Oh? So we're allies now, huh?"
"Of course," he shrugs, trying not to let his voice or body betray how much he really feels about all of this, because the Yamanaka are always sensitive to other people's emotions. The girl narrows her eyes, and he looks away, giving in. "You're building a better future for this village, and that makes us allies."
She squints harder, examining him as if trying to see inside. Sasuke deliberately thinks about the quarries in the Land of Stone, the hot evenings in the mines, and the ugly, tired civilians in their battered hard hats, just in case she wants to delve into his thoughts.
"I'll tell Shikamaru that you're not going to set Konoha on fire. It's been bothering him lately."
He doesn't have time to figure out if she's joking, because Ino is already leaving. She doesn't leave any money behind, and although this makes their encounter feel a bit like a date, Sasuke doesn't have a problem with it - he has enough money from his inheritance to pay for the entire restaurant for one evening.
***
"Why are the nurses gossiping about you dating Ino?"
Sakura looks at him with an irritated, tired expression, but she's so exhausted and sleep-deprived that he's not sure how much of it is his fault.
"Because there's no worse gossiper than a shinobi?"
This answer seems to calm her down enough, because she finally stops glaring at him and returns to her lunch. Sakura is the only one who doesn't thank him for the free food, even out of politeness, but it seems fair - he didn't thank her for the small gifts she gave him when they were kids.
It's not that he liked them, but that's another conversation. Here and now, he can't help but think that Sakura looks worse than she did when they were in the middle of a war - like she's holding on for dear life, trying not to fall apart because everyone around her is watching her with admiration and expectation. He knows that feeling. He knows how hard it is to ask for help in a moment like this, and how much she really needs it.
"Hey. Do you think I can help out at the hospital?"
She gives him a strange look, more intense than Ino or Shikamaru's. It's as if she doesn't just suspect him, but knows he's up to something, but doesn't have any proof. Yet.
"I don't have much to do anyway. At least I can contribute."
She chuckles significantly.
***
He's learning patience. Even more patience than he has, because it's one thing to sit in an ambush or listen to hours of chatter from friends, and it's another to explain the same things for the tenth time. He grew up in a family of achievers. All his life, he's been striving for a better version of himself, just like the people around him. Even Naruto, who was considered a dunce and a slowpoke, never stopped trying.
It's even stranger to be surrounded by a group of old people who don't seem to be making any effort at all, just demanding and demanding.
At first, the nurses watch him like hawks, but they eventually calm down. Sasuke won't hurt the elderly, no matter how tired he is.
Though his clan's ancestors could have gone out onto the battlefield and killed even in their old age. He tries not to think about it too much.
Instead, he listens to conversations about how these civilians lived when he wasn't even a part of his parents plans. War after war, trade issues, rogue shinobi, and disagreements within the council. The oppression and mockery by shinobi. The big and small problems of people who don't fight themselves but provide food and clothing for the warriors.
He has plenty of time to think about it, analyze the past, and contemplate the future, in between cleaning up the leftovers from the old people and catching them running around the building naked.
***
"What's the occasion for these gifts, huh?"
Naruto smiles, not wide and bright, but soft and cheerful. Perhaps they've made progress in dealing with the council. Perhaps he saw a cute cat on his way home. Whatever has lifted his spirits, Sasuke is glad that they match.
Recently, he was able to make a child who grew up in the Root smile. Sakura said that he had made good progress in medical jutsu and would be able to treat a serious, albeit non-fatal, wound. The elderly residents of the nursing home finally stopped bothering him about his hair and invited him to play lotto.
These are small, intermittent successes, but they exist. They prove that he is capable of living in peace and not only causing destruction.
"Just feeling good"
He almost shrugs his shoulder on autopilot, but stops himself in time. Feeding someone with one hand is a huge hassle, but it's also an interesting challenge. Naruto grins with his eyes, leaning in close for a moment to bump his forehead against Sasuke's.
"Well, I'm glad you're feeling good, because this tiramisu is just amazing."
He smiles, wide-wide, and his eyes turn into crescents. They sit like this, their foreheads touching, breathing the same air - it's an uncomfortable position and a funny sight, but no one cares. When his neck starts to ache, Sasuke moves away to stretch it, but Naruto still looks content.
Recently, Naruto had lost himself and half-hugged his back while they were reading a scroll. Their position became apparent only when Sasuke turned to tell him something and realized how close they were standing. The blonde immediately took a step back, worried, but nothing happened. There was no alarm that would make him think of the nightmares that were happening in reality - only a slight discomfort from the feeling of missing warmth.
When he said that, Naruto almost lit up, almost hugged him again in joy - but they were learning from their mistakes. He shouldn't have approached from the front, especially so abruptly, because Sasuke would probably have shunshined to the other side of Konoha in a panic.
He almost laughed at his own stupidity, because it should have been painfully obvious - there was nothing wrong with trusting Naruto his back. He was never afraid of being vulnerable around him, because Naruto would never stab in the back. It was much more scary when Naruto was vulnerable around him.
Maybe it will change at some point. One day he will learn.
***
The Hokage looks at him with a complicated expression, the paintings on the wall are familiar and gloomy, and the Anbu are hiding under the ceiling. It's all so solemn and bitter that it makes his stomach twist with too many memories.
But the Hokage sighs, taking off his big hat and throwing it somewhere on the couch, wearily running a hand over his face, and now he's not a figure endowed with excessive power, with which he does nothing for the happiness of the people, but just his sensei, who is more tired than they all.
"I'm really sorry, Sasuke," Kakashi says for the third time, and he's already tired of listening. Because words won't change anything. Because he's one of the people who advocate for this new system, and if he has to be a part of it to support this new world, then he will. Because he's starting to feel guilty, seeing his teacher so tired but still worried about him.
"It's okay, Hokage-sama, I understand. Everything will be fine."
It's not a difficult mission, but he knows his luck, and he knows his team's luck: everything will go to hell.
***
Sasuke isn't sure who picked the people on his team, but he's willing to make them a box of sweets. The guys are only slightly younger than him, but they're disciplined and well-trained. As chunin, they don't question his orders, even though he's technically below them in rank because he never passed the exam.
They complete the mission quickly and smoothly, and for a second, Sasuke wonders if Team Seven would have worked this well if they were made up of normal people. Then he dismisses the thought - Team Seven has never been normal, and he is a well-deserved member.
Things are going too well, so he's not surprised when shit happens on the way back. Sasuke almost feels relieved because the anxiety finally subsides when the situation in his head and in reality finally aligns.
A group of nukenins intercepts them near a village. It's an easy fight, but they're cautious because the cargo is fragile, they're surrounded by a forest, and there are people nearby they don't want to involve.
After what happened to Ame, Kakashi started implementing a policy to protect small villages. Sasuke was all for it.
It was an easy fight, and they were almost done, and then the ninja who had run away at the beginning came back, and he had a child in his arms. He had a child in his arms and a kunai, and the child was scared, he was trembling and crying, and all Sasuke could think about was the many children in Orochimaru's laboratories.
The nukеnin manages to start threatening the child's life when Sasuke pulls off his eyepatch, activating his rinnegan. He's still under surveillance, but Kakashi hinted that he can use it if necessary, and he considers saving the child a worthy cause.
He switches places with the child, leaving him safe with his comrades. The nukеnin looks frightened in the few seconds he realizes, and then Sasuke cuts off the hand holding the kunai, and the man screams. It's a piercingly loud sound that he worries might scare the child, so he knocks out the enemy ninja with a precise blow, deciding whether to bandage his hand to prevent him from bleeding to death or leave it to his comrades. At least the ones who are still alive.
He turns around to check on his comrades, who look a little worried but mostly calm. Their cargo is intact, the mission is complete, and when he gets home, he can spend the money he earned on an expensive trinket for Naruto or Sakura. Maybe he should ask for more missions - things don't seem as bad as he feared.
He looks down, and the child he saved looks at him the same way the children in the labs look at him. Frightened and desperate, as if he is the monster they've been locked up with, not Orochimaru, who's going to use them for research materials. As if it's his fault that he can't save them, because if he goes against the Sannin, he'll end up in the tank with them, and he can't until he completes his mission.
It's as if he's more terrifying than the death that awaits them.
***
He returns to the village separately from his charges, because the moment his hand begins to spark with lightning, even they begin to look frightened. He leaves - disappears - into the forest, so as not to hurt anyone, not to see anyone, not to feel anything. After half an hour of wandering among the trees, he calms down enough to scribble a crooked note telling them to return, and that he would follow.
They don't look back as they run, carrying their cargo, and Sasuke is grateful, even if they're not doing it for him. He's not sure he could handle another reminder that he's a monster who can only bring fear and death.
It's been a long time since he felt such a strong desire to escape. To escape to a place where no one knows Sasuke Uchiha, or even better, a place where the very concept of a shinobi is nothing more than a rumor. A place where he can hide and escape from all the rot he leaves behind.
He was certain that things had gotten better. That he had gotten better. Yes, he still couldn't return to the Uchiha compound without seeing ghosts in the corners. Yes, he still felt the urge to set something on fire every time he saw the Hokage Tower. But it was slowly fading into the background, and he was beginning to believe that they would change it, fix it. What happened to his clan would not happen again. The children would no longer be soldiers or outcasts. They were building a better future with confident, albeit small, steps.
But maybe there was never a place for him in that future. After all, he had left that village a long time ago, before he really left. He had been let back in, pardoned, and yet he continued to stain the threshold of his former home with dirty blood.
He really wants to run away, but he has plants waiting for him at home. The little succulents that Temari brought Naruto as a gift haven't bloomed yet. He and Ino haven't finished discussing that poetry book. He promised little Hoki to work on kenjutsu with him. Yui-baasan hasn't finished telling him the story about the tanuki.
He thinks about all the good things he's been collecting over the months, while he's smashing training dummies to pieces. His chakra is probably raging throughout the village, but he can't calm down. He feels mad. Dangerous. He wants to leave, not for himself, but for those who would do better than him.
But he promised Naruto that he would stay, and Naruto believed him. He didn't even question it, even though everyone else was skeptical. But recently, he was able to kiss his soulmate on the forehead without panicking. He can't abandon this just like he abandoned his home.
He no longer has the strength to run away.
***
He uses the rinnegan to teleport to the Hokage's office because he doesn't want to walk through the tower with everyone staring at him. He might vomit.
Kakashi isn't here. But there's Shikamaru, who looks up, notices him, and lowers his head. Then he looks up again, his eyes filled with realization, and then he closes them wearily.
"They have already written and submitted the report."
"If you don't mind, I'd like to report on my own. As the head of the group."
Shikamaru gives him a hand sign which could mean go ahead or get lost, but Sasuke chooses the former. He reports slowly and calmly, not allowing his voice to rise. The mission was actually a success, despite expectations to the contrary, which is why he was sent.
He wonders if sending someone else would have been better for the child.
Sasuke notices that Shikamaru is looking at him, and only then does he realize that he has fallen silent.
"There was something else, wasn't there?" Nara puts down the document, rubbing his eyes with his hands - maybe he's really tired, maybe he's hiding his eyes. Sasuke doesn't know. He doesn't want to. "Your report is too surgically precise."
He remembers telling Ino that he had decided to be honest. To be open with others. But that was about what people wanted to hear, not what he wanted to say. And he wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about it. Especially with Shikamaru.
But he couldn't talk to Naruto about it. He'd start worrying. Doubting. Grinding his teeth, oh great hero who had to fix everything and make everyone happy. After promising to stay, Sasuke promised himself not to hurt him again.
Shikamaru will at least be able to assess the situation rationally.
"A child who was taken hostage," he sighs, unsure how to phrase it without revealing too much or too little. In the end, he gives up and lets Nara figure it out for himself. "He reminded me of the children in Orochimaru's laboratories."
He doesn't take his eyes off the small window in the ceiling. The sun is slowly setting, casting an orange glow over the room. Sasuke shivers under his travel cloak, still dirty, feeling like he doesn't deserve to stand under such light.
He promised Naruto that he wouldn't leave. But sometimes it's so hard to think that he deserves anything other than exile. The cold, damp darkness of a prison cell or a basement.
"You know," Shikamaru begins, covering his eyes with his hand. He seems to have aged a couple of years. He reminds Sasuke of his father, but Sasuke won't say it out loud, despite his promise to himself. The wound is still too fresh. "When the immortal duo killed my sensei, I finally understood why you became the person you are."
This was clearly not what he had expected to hear. Sasuke wasn't really following Akatsuki's activities at the time, so he didn't know who they were killing, and one of Konoha's jonin senseis was clearly out of his line of interest.
"We all have our own demons, just waiting to be awakened. We grow up in a world of cruelty, and we accept it for what it is, until it happens to us," he said, no longer hiding his eyes as he lowered his hand. They looked out the same window, at the same gentle, warm sun. "All I wanted was revenge, for them to pay for killing a good man, taking him away from me. But I lost my teacher, and you lost your family."
Shikamaru stands up, stretching out tiredly as he chooses to leave the table. His voice is even, as if he has been practicing this speech for some time. Sasuke doesn't know how he feels about this - about the whole situation.
"But we were given the opportunity to take revenge in a sterile environment," Nara says with a bitter smile, reaching out to place a hand on Sasuke's shoulder, but hesitates. Sasuke doesn't move or protest, and he tries not to flinch under the weight of Nara's hand. "We defeated the enemy and restored justice under the full control of adults who prevented us from crossing a line from which we couldn't return. And there were three of us, we still had each other."
Sasuke closes his eyes, and Shikamaru's bitter smile mirrors on his lips.
"I know that no one has ever apologized to you for what you've become. I know that it won't change anything, but I'm sorry, Sasuke. I'm sorry that your family has been made into a sacrificial lamb."
He inhales shallowly and exhales silently, without twitching or responding. He thinks about his father and mother's grave, which had been neglected while he was away. He thinks about Itachi's lonely grave, standing apart from everyone else. He thinks about his great-grandfather Izuna, whom he only knows from old scrolls, who was a great warrior and died from an infection that they couldn't cure because the Uchiha never had the same level of medical expertise as the Senju.
"Naruto believes, always believed, that there's still something good in you, that it can be brought back. I don't really believe in second chances, to be honest. But I know that you're not a threat to us - because there's still love in you."
That's true. But it was love that always caused pain for his family.
***
When Naruto gets home, he doesn't feel like a live wire anymore. Gai's team is a great sparring partner, and he's tired enough that his chakra doesn't howl under his skin, but rather hum nervously.
But it's okay. There's nothing that can't be fixed with meditation and sword cleaning. Even if it's already polished to the point where Sasuke can see his other half's worried expression in it.
"Please don't get close to me today," when Naruto emotions turn from excitement to full-blown anxiety he clicks his tongue in an attempt to hide his own nervousness. "I mean, physically."
Shinobi never liked close tactile contact, as was evident from many of their village's Jonin, but their generation was different even in this regard. They were all close and affectionate, especially towards Naruto, who was terribly hungry for soft touches. Which he could barely provide.
Sasuke loses his rhythm and throws the whetstone aside. It's useless. He'll only ruin a good blade if he continues working in this state. He picks up a cloak from the hanger - a new one, because the old one is drying after washing, along with the entire basket, because he's trying to clear his mind by cleaning, but to no avail - and leaves the keys on the stand, because there's no point in taking them when Naruto's home.
"I'll be back by evening. Probably"
Perhaps he will go hunting. He has not seen his falcons for a long time.
***
Kiba is happy to challenge him, even if Sasuke didn't ask for it. When he loses, he takes them to a bar filled with fellow hunters. Sasuke didn't know there was a club, but he's not surprised to learn that Kakashi's father was once its chairman. The old men tell stories until late at night, which Sasuke listens to just to share them with the elderly residents of the nursing home. Perhaps they have their own stories to share.
During the mission, he forgot that Sasuke Uchiha is no longer an elite shinobi (of Leaf, Sound, Akatsuki - it doesn't matter) or a war criminal, but also a friend, comrade, nurse, doctor, cook, gardener, potter, and much more. His self is no longer limited to killing and revenge. He hopes that his mother and Itachi are proud of his attempts to find himself, even if they are flawed and pathetic.
One day, he will wash his name clean of blood and rot, just like the rest of their village. Until then, he will make amends for his mistakes by helping others every day.
***
He stops by the market to pick up some ingredients for dinner. Naruto probably only ate takeout while he was gone, so Sasuke decides to celebrate his return with something fancy. He also grabs some ice cream for himself and a dango for his worried partner.
When he approaches their apartment, there is no light on in any of the rooms, which alone makes him hurry. The second is the feeling of an oppressive atmosphere around him, which he knows all too well.
The apartment is too quiet, except for the draft from the open balcony door and the soft murmur of the radio. Sasuke leaves the groceries on the table, immediately putting the ice cream in the refrigerator, and taking out his kunai from his pocket as he begins to walk around the apartment.
Naruto looks like he's mourning someone, and it almost makes him drop the knife.
"Naruto?"
The blonde looks up at the sound, but still hides his head in his hands. His gaze is unfocused, empty. He's not here. Sasuke would have thought it was a genjutsu, if it weren't for the obvious fluctuations of Uzumaki's chakra everywhere, which would have broken even a strong illusion.
The light drizzle muffles the sound of his footsteps, so Sasuke deliberately steps louder. Naruto looks down again, reacting more to the sound than to his presence - the instincts of a shinobi can't sleep, even when the mind is lost in a whirlpool of something.
"You're here," Naruto says, more to himself than to Sasuke. It's a dry, brief, quiet statement. It's just a thought out loud. Sasuke's throat constricts.
"Did you think I'd leave?" he wants to add without even saying goodbye? Because yes, he had thoughts of leaving, but he wouldn't run away. He wouldn't hide in the night like a coward, because Naruto deserves better than that.
Sasuke stops in front of the bed, crouching down to look the blond man in the eyes. He notices that Naruto is trembling, slightly, as if he's trying to contain it, but the emotion is too strong and is overwhelming him more than he is it. Sasuke doesn't know what else to do, except to place his hands on Naruto's shoulders - to shake him, or to squeeze him, or to hold him close, he doesn't know. He felt just as lost, because it was Narutowho was always the one who supported, who brought people into the light, who brought him out of the darkness.
And Sasuke couldn't even offer him a hand to help him up without that hand trembling as much as leaves in a strong wind.
He could already feel his hand trembling on Naruto's shoulder, a precursor to full-blown panic if he didn't take a step back. He knew that he would only make things worse if he forced himself to calm down. Naruto wouldn't be able to help him, and he would feel guilty afterward.
But he - he can't. He can't take a step back. Naruto needed him the way he always needed Naruto. Like a silent and confident confirmation of reality, possibilities, and the future. Like a bridge that would stand even in the storm.
He promised Naruto to stay, but it wasn't just about not leaving the village. He promised to stay by his side. To keep up.
"My sun, I promised to stay with you, remember?" Sasuke places hand on his cheek, forcing Naruto to look up. There are unshed tears in blue eyes. "I won't leave, I won't do that to you."
He's thinking about how close his hand is to Naruto's neck. In that state, he wouldn't have had time to defend himself, and it would have been so easy to break him in one fell swoop. Kurama might have been able to save his jinchūriki's life, but the damage would have been done.
Sasuke thinks about how tired he is of this - of the disgusting thoughts, of the even more terrible memories. Of the blood under his nails and the ghosts in the corners. Of the sleepless nights filled with sculpting, knitting, and sewing. Of not being able to just fall asleep next to Naruto like he used to.
He thinks about how the first thing Sakura said to him when they were alone was, "If you leave again after everything, it will break his heart. But if you stay and become a ghost of yourself, it will kill him." These were important words, and they were also too sweet coming from a girl who he had rejected in every possible way throughout their lives. She made him think deeper about his promise for the first time, because the word stay had many meanings. He could have stayed here, or stayed behind, or stayed the way he was – and which of these did Naruto need? After all the blood they’d spilled for, with, against, and because of each other, they deserved a good ending. Naruto deserved it. Even he deserved a semblance of happiness, if fairy tales were to be believed.
"I'm not leaving, silly. You promised me a happy future, remember?"
He takes a slow, deep breath and places his hand on Naruto's neck. Naruto doesn't react, doesn't notice, and his blue eyes remain distant as a few tears roll down his cheeks. The storm outside intensifies, and he should close the balcony and start a kettle, but.
"I promised to always take care of you, and you promised to take care of me."
He drags a sluggishly resisting Naruto onto the bed, wrapping his arms around the back. The Uzumaki is as warm as a furnace, and not even a draft will change that, but Sasuke covers them with a blanket anyway. He can't even comprehend how much he's missed this. The ability to snuggle up to someone close and safe and not have a single thought in his head.
"Sasuke?"
He exhales into Naruto's neck, filled with nervous relief, and laughs softly, slightly hysterically.
"I'm here. And I'll be here when you wake up, I promise, so sleep. Tomorrow is a better day."
He tries to turn over, probably to protest or resist, but Sasuke catches his blue eyes and puts him to sleep. Kurama doesn't protest, and after a few breaths, Naruto yawns deeply and makes funny smacking noises, looking displeased.
"Sweet dreams, Naruto. Sleep well"
He mumbles something barely audible in response, and Sasuke decides not to deprive himself of the opportunity to lean down and press their noses and foreheads together. He will wake up anyway if Naruto has a nightmare, so this gesture is pointless. But that's the point.
***
He wakes up to a warm body next to him and a loud thumping sound in his ear, and for a moment he's startled, but he forces himself to take a breath and suppresses his nervousness.
No one died yesterday when they were both out of their minds, so there's no point in worrying now.
Naruto wraps his arms around him, and Sasuke's sleepy brain finally realizes that they've switched places. Now he's being held back from escaping, and Sasuke sighs, running a hand through his messy hair.
"I'm not going anywhere, so calm down, you idiot."
Naruto presses against him harder, as if to spite him, and Sasuke suppresses an irritated sigh. Patience, he repeats in his mind. Patience is a virtue, and he needs to purify his karma.
"Naruto, let go"
"No, you're not going anywhere," the blonde squeezes him like one of the stuffed animals Sasuke had made, and he considers trading places with it. It would be a bit cruel, but if Uzumaki keeps going like this...
"Dobe, we have two bags of groceries left on the table, and the door to the balcony is open, let me out"
"Nothing will happen to them," he said with a hint of irritation in his voice, and Sasuke inwardly groaned. He wouldn't get out to lunch at this rate. "I've recently updated the seals, and the food on the table will remain fresh for several hours."
Hmm. It's quite convenient. But still.
"Let me at least close the balcony door."
"Who's going to mess with us, huh?" he chuckles maliciously. "The Jinchūriki of the Kyuubi and the Uchiha with the rinnegan? The two heroes of Konoha? The master of seals and the master of kenjutsu?"
Sasuke sighs in defeat, to which Naruto only smirks, pleased. He allows the blonde to squeeze him like a toy, because, well, it's quite pleasant. And it's been a long time since Sasuke has slept so soundly, especially in someone's presence, and he's been very longing for them to spend a lazy morning in each other's arms...
"Although I think I dropped a pot with one of the seedlings yesterday."
"Naruto, I swear by the goddess, I only just got used to the idea of not killing you yesterday, don't make me change my mind."
"I'm sorry, you what"