Chapter Text
"The love of my life, my husband.
I haven't said those words out loud in such a long time.
It's been so long since I last breathed freely, since I truly lived instead of merely existing. You left me exactly 1,764 days ago, and every single day since then has been another trial I have somehow survived. Our son has grown so much. He's no longer that tiny two-month-old potato you called him the first time we saw him at the orphanage. Tomorrow we'll celebrate his fifth birthday—our little devil's fifth birthday without you. Another day without hearing your voice.
Another day without your arms around us.
Today I spent nine hours on set. All day long I wanted only one thing—to come home, lie down in our bed, fall asleep, and wake up only when you finally came back to me. Of course, the moment I walked through the door, our nanny placed a sleeping Domia into my arms. He was curled up in your favorite sleeping position, and suddenly all my plans disappeared. It's strange... The apartment still smelled like you. Your clothes still carried the scent of the perfume I gave you on our third anniversary. I lay down beside our son, but sleep never came.
After all these years without you, I still haven't learned how to fall asleep quickly. Staring at the ceiling, I drifted back to the days when we were together. Tears found their way down my face. I took out the little beaded bracelet you made for me during a break while filming Perfect 10 Liners—our very first project together—and I cried even harder. You told me it looked ridiculous, that I didn't have to wear it. But to me, it was the first gift from you that truly mattered. I wanted to carry it with me everywhere.
Lately, Phuwin keeps telling me I cry all the time. I wish I could tell him he's wrong. But I can't. We promised each other we'd stay together through the hardest days of our lives. And now, when I feel more broken than ever... you're not here. I'm so tired, Perth. I'm tired of existing without you. I'm tired of breathing without you. You left me behind with nothing but memories.
Our friends keep telling me to let you go. They say no one knows how many more years your coma will last. They try to drag me on vacations, or at least convince me to go for a walk. They've yelled at you. They've been angry with you. They've looked at me—at the state I've been in these past few months—and all I could do was stand there in silence. I had nothing left to say. I'm simply exhausted.
Exhausted from trying to make the dreams we built together come true on my own. Exhausted from taking every job I can find just to secure our son's future... and to pay for one more month of your hospital stay. I'm so tired of breathing without you.
But listen to me. Nothing—do you hear me? Nothing—will ever make me take off my wedding ring or change my decision to remain yours.
I keep fighting.
For you.
For us.
For our family.
Because no one could ever imagine what kind of husband you were before that cursed accident. No one knows how, after we adopted Domia, every second of every day revolved around that tiny little boy. Back then, nothing else in the world seemed to matter. No one remembers how we spent twenty-four hours a day with him, never leaving his side for even a moment. And it was wonderful.
We were together.
We were becoming a family.
We were making plans—not only for tomorrow, but for the day Domia would go to university.
We imagined all the partners he'd someday bring home to meet us.
We imagined our grandchildren.
Never—not even for a second—did I imagine I'd be left alone with our little boy... hiring the cheapest nanny I could find... and accepting any work that came my way just to keep us afloat. Neither of us could have imagined that only a few weeks later, in the middle of the night, everything would fall apart. That the worst day of my life was waiting just around the corner. The moment my entire world turned upside down... and became a never-ending torture. I still remember that cursed phone call from the hospital. The one that told me a truck driver had lost control and crashed into you just minutes earlier. One phone call. One conversation that turned my life into a living hell... a hell I've been burning in for five years.
So much has changed over these five years. Pond and Phuwin won the award for Me and Thee as the Best Series of the Last Five Years. Joong and Dunk left GMMTV and moved to Cyprus to volunteer. William and Est adopted a little princess named Mia. And our son started attending a film school for young children. Every single day he tells me he wants to grow up to be just like his dad. At first, I honestly didn't think he'd even remember you. I kept showing him your series. I played your songs for him—even the ones you had only ever let me hear. Our son knows exactly who his father is. Even at his age, he understands that our lives would have been completely different if you were here with us.
At first, he believed you had abandoned us. To be honest... a lot of people believed that too. For a while, other children even laughed at him because he was being raised by only one father. Trying to explain something like that to such a little boy without breaking his heart... was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. So I asked myself what you would've done if you had been standing in my place. I told him those were only words. Words with nothing to do with the truth. I told him you would never, not in a million years, have left us by choice. And that our only job now... is to wait for you to come back. Ever since then, he looks at your picture every single day. He even asked me to print one so he could hang it on his bedroom wall.
It's so hard, Perth. Today I realized something that terrified me. I can't remember exactly what your voice sounds like anymore. Once, I heard it every chance I got. Now all I have left are our songs... and the videos of us back when we were happy. Lately... I've been watching them far too often.
Someone asked me recently why I still wait for news about you instead of moving on and building a life with someone else. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell them to stop saying such meaningless things. I wanted to shout that no one could ever compare to you. But instead... I stayed silent. Because all these years, I've lived for you. For us. And there isn't a single version of reality where I want to imagine a life without you. I can't prove to people that I have the best husband in the world. The husband who asked me to be his after three straight days of rehearsals, at three in the morning before a concert, while we finished a bowl of shrimp noodles together. The husband who carried me on his back for five kilometers after our car broke down in the middle of the night and I twisted my ankle while we were walking to the nearest gas station. The husband who adored tuna sashimi... but always gave me the last piece because seeing me smile mattered more to him than eating it himself. The husband who proposed to me in a hot-air balloon simply because, a year earlier, I'd casually said that I thought it would be the most romantic thing in the world. The husband who agreed without hesitation to adopt a child after I confessed that I'd fallen in love with the tiny little bundle lying in the middle of the medical room. The husband who had to be on set at sunrise... yet spent the entire night trying to soothe Domia's aching tummy so I could have just one peaceful night's sleep. The best husband. The kindest. The most devoted.
Tell me... how could I ever forget someone like that? How could I replace him... simply because I'm afraid of being alone? I'm not alone, Perth. Because I know I still have you. And yet... I have never felt so unbearably alone precisely because you aren't here beside me. But know this. Not for all the money in the world... not in this lifetime... would I ever trade my memories of you or my hope that you'll wake up for someone else. You are the only person with whom I can truly be myself. The only one beside whom I can breathe. The only one I could spend hours looking at without ever growing tired. The only one whose hand I'm ready to hold until my very last breath.
That's why I keep fighting.
For you.
For myself.
For Domia.
For our family.
For our love.
I keep dreaming that one day I'll finally see that this message has been read. And when that day comes... I will never let go of your hand again. I won't leave your side for even a single step. Do you understand? Can you even begin to imagine how many thousands of stories have piled up over these years? How much I have to tell you? Every second of every day, I'll thank God for bringing you back to me. And every single day after that... I'll remind you just how deeply I love you. Do you remember the promise we made on that rooftop... on the very last day of filming our final series together?
Then come back to me.
Come back so we can keep that promise.
Come back to our son. You owe him so many birthday presents and holiday gifts by now that one project wouldn't be enough to pay for them all.
Come back to us...
I'm begging you.
I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending to be strong without you. We promised each other we'd stay together through the best of times... and the worst. So come back... and keep your promise.
The love of my life.
My soul.
My heart.
My reason to keep living.
Read this. And know that every second of my existence, I will be waiting for you. Waiting for your recovery. Waiting for your warm touch. For the tenderness in your eyes. For your kiss. Come back... Please come back."
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