Archive of Our Own

Moonlight fell soft and dismal on his figure as Katsuki finally pulled the last box out from his car, heaving it against his thigh as he shut the trunk door. The thing was fucking heavy and it dug sharply into the toned flesh before he dropped his leg back down and started making his way to the grim staircase to his new home.

It was a depressing place to say the least, all soot stained walls and metal that has seen better days, rusted and sharp at the edges. A light flickered and buzzed noticeably as he went under it, casting the world in misty shadows before coming alive again.

The steps beneath him creaked violently, shattering the hazy silence of dead night, little splinters of metal stabbed into the soles of his shoes, not quite deep enough to hurt but definitely enough to feel. Fuck this place was a shithole. Nothing he could do about it though, it was all he could afford and the landlord had been willing to let him in with extremely short notice, with a little cash granted.

Dull throbs wrought his legs even as he forced them to take him up that last little bit of stairwell and to the mess of peeling paint that was now his front door. He shouldered it open, ignoring how the action made the tightness in his shoulders protest with renewed vigor.

God he was so fucking done with today.

Everything had happened so fast, too fast. Just the other night he was arriving home late as usual, his shift at the bar ending at almost the ass crack of dawn.

He hated holidays, all the people that surged out of their homes to celebrate an arbitrary date, barely knowing what had even made it memorable in the first place. The bar was busy and Katsuki had been worn thin on trying to act like a pleasant asshole instead of just the asshole he was. It mattered less as the night wore on and people became too drunk to care that their bartender was all but growling at them while making drinks.

Katsuki barely knew how he managed to keep that job, had gotten in one too many fights with customers over the dumbest shit because apparently the drunken assholes forgot how to be respectful the moment they lost their inhibitions.

It did not matter now though. He was out of a job in the middle of a city he had only visited once in his life, starting over.

The drive home that night was driven by just a bit of rage, going far faster than the speed limit. Really, who gave a shit though? It was not like anyone else was out while darkness blanketed the world, moonlight casting over him in a silvery glow. Even their streetlamps had given up long ago.

It was just him and the road, shrouded on every side by that inky stillness.

He got home only twenty something minutes later and pulled into his reserved parking spot, careful to step over the broken glass littering the ground just under his door.

It seemed like the neighbors had got in a fight again.

Katsuki was grateful that at least he was not around when that fuck ass guy started throwing bottles at his partner's car, he was sure he would have throttled the fucker.

Tonight though, he just avoided it and declared he would sweep up the bits in his spot tomorrow.

A sigh drifted out of his mouth as he paused just in front of his bumper, feeling reluctant to go up just yet. He loved these moments when the world was still, stars hanging without a care in the murky darkness. Sometimes he liked to imagine what it felt like, drifting in the void of space and clinging on with pure determination, they really were resilient little fuckers, but in the end they always burned out and disappeared from the sky like they never existed at all, some lucky enough to be recorded by astrologists but the others left to be forgotten.

Death that quick and absolute would be a blessing, really.

He shook himself out of that train of thought and grasped his keys with renewed force, the edges biting into his skin with enough force to remind him that he was alive.

What was it everyone said? That you should not trust your thoughts after 9pm? Taro had told him that, maybe there was some merit in it after all.

Katsuki set that final box down, shaking himself free of the resentment laced hurt that had flared in the back of his mind. It was stupid thinking of how he got here. Right now he was going to pass the fuck out and figure out how to survive with barely a yen to his name in the morning.

No one told you that moving half way across the country alone was going to be so fucking expensive. The gas alone had his wallet screaming. Not to mention food, and Katsuki had even held out on a few meals, not wanting to spend even the few hundred yen it would cost to get cheap food and a drink. Three meals a day would have been well over fifteen hundred yen and he just could not justify that.

Fuck he could get a weeks worth of groceries with that if he stretched it a little, had only two meals a day.

He had tried to keep costs down, but there was only so much he could do. Life was expensive and he was relying on his meager savings.

After what felt like hours of moving all his life's possessions Katsuki finally kicked that rickety door closed with perhaps more force than necessary and drew the deadbolt, securing his home from the outdoors.

The space was barely big enough to fit a bed, much less any real furniture, but Katsuki did not have furniture for it anyways, was going to make do with a blanket he had scrounged up and some folded clothes in lieu of a pillow. At least it had a two counter kitchen, one taken up entirely by a sink and the other a hotplate, a window, and a private bathroom.

It would have to do, it was fine was it not? Fuck having separated rooms, who deserves those anyways? He was going to miss his kitchen though, had the whole thing kitted out just the way he liked. At least Taro had the courtesy to give him the pans and other shit he bought, but he was shit out of luck on spices.

This place did not even have a fridge anyways, just another thing he could not afford right now.

He had been more than ready to have dinner that night, was prepared to beeline it for the kitchen the moment he climbed the stairs to their apartment, slid his key into the lock, and turned the doorknob.

What he had not expected was for Taro to still be awake, sitting lazily on the couch, illuminated only by the blue glow of their screen. They live mostly on different schedules now, each too pre-occupied with their choices in life.

Katsuki had started working straight out of high school, done with all the school shit and wanting to move the fuck on with his life. Taro on the other hand had continued schooling, and with Katsuki working at night their only common time was just before he left for work or when they both had days off.

Looking back on it now he was not sure how they ever made it work. Taro was always busy, too tired during Katsuki's free time to do much but lounge around. Hell, it was like they lived on different hemispheres.

That is what made it so surprising seeing him up, Katsuki usually just slid under the covers with him and then the bed was empty when he woke up. The only times he had seen the man stay up this late were when they were celebrating shit, getting plastered enough not to care about the sun rising.

He had softly shut the door behind him, taking the time to lock it and pull off his shoes in the entryway before looking up and meeting the eyes boring holes into his head.

"What are you doing up?" Exhaustion had it sounding like an accusation.

Katsuki should have known the reason in hindsight, had realized that things stopped working a long time ago, that a wall had been carefully built between them over the course of a year, each following different paths.

In that moment though, he was tired, hungry, and wanted to pass the fuck out. He had little patience, which was what ultimately screwed him in the end.

"We need to talk," came the quiet reply, like a fucking chick flick movie.

"About what?" he sighed out, dragging a hand over his face and wishing for the conversation to be over, for him to be left alone to wind down in peace after his shift.

"About us."

Yep, just like a fucking chick flick.

Of course, he had not known that, so his reply was yet again fueled by exhaustion more than anything else.

"Can it wait until the morning?"

"It is the morning."

He took that chance to glance out the windows and indeed dawn was rising, the sky turning a hazy blue as the sun began its ascent for the day.

"Why the fuck are you being a smartass?"

"Katsuki."

"Yeah fine, whatever…" he grumbled, finally making his way into the apartment proper and throwing himself down on a chair.

God he wanted to go to bed.

"Don't you have class in the morning? Why the fuck are you up so early?"

"Tomorrows Saturday."

Shit, really? He must have lost track of time, it happens sometimes. Every day is just rote routine for him now, he does not even have a day off anymore, decided to pick up the slack and get a second job, anything was better than time alone.

"This is part of the problem Katsuki," Taro sighed out, sounding exasperated and done, so so done.

"What fucking problem?" he groaned.

"I swear to fucking…" Taro whispered, taking a few measured breaths before speaking up, "I'm breaking up with you, asshole!"

Oh, "Oh."

"Why?" he dared to ask. Stupid, so fucking stupid, he needed to get a damn grip.

"Are you seriously asking me that?" came the hushed reply.

"Maybe?"

He was his worst fucking nightmare. Of course he could not have anything end amicably, needed something explosive to prove that this was real and not just a sick conjuration from his tired mind.

"You're serious, you want a fucking reason. Fine, FINE!"

Ah, there was that spark that drew him to Taro in the first place.

"First of all this is the first time I've seen you conscious in a fucking month! You're never around! The only confirmation I get that you're alive is watching you snore when I wake up and the leftovers in the fridge!"

Yeah, he should have realized that, but it all fell by the wayside. Hearing all this now he also becomes aware of the fact that he had begun to forget Taro's voice, his face when not relaxed by sleep in dim lighting, his smile. If they were in love.

"Second you don't talk to me anymore, don't talk to anyone anymore! Your friends try to update me every so often but the only time they see you is when they visit your work, don't you hear how fucking depressing that is!?"

Maybe it was not such a good idea to ask him. All of this just made Katsuki feel worse about himself. So yea, maybe he had been neglecting his friends, but they had a life, all he had was routine. At some point he had simply stopped responding, drawing silently away, slow enough that his friends weren't as concerned.

"Third when I look at you it's like I don't fucking know you! Why aren't you shouting back at me!? We used to fight all the fucking time!!"

Okay, fine. If what he wanted was a fight he was damn well going to get one.

"And where the fuck were you?!? You don't even have a job and yet you're out of the house all the fucking time!! I get it during the week, but the weekend used to be our time!"

"Well I'm sorry I have a life outside of school! You could have fucking talked to me if you wanted to come with or hang out!"

"Are you saying I should have scheduled when we hang out?! We fucking live together if you forgot! AND why the fuck are you implying I don't have a life outside of work?!!"

He was desperately trying not to show how much that comment really stung, that he had known for a while now that he filled all his empty spaces with working, feeling useful. It was a distraction enough to drown out all his thoughts, every niggling insecurity, even temper the rage that boiled below the surface.

"You got a second job to avoid me! To avoid everyone! It's so fucking obvious that you would rather escape than talk to anyone!"

That was it. All it took to finally break the dam Katsuki had been suppressing with sheer ignorance alone.

He had stood up at some point during their dusty, dawn lit argument, and he walked forward and grabbed Taro by his shirt, glaring down at those defiant eyes as he spit out what he knew to be a lie, his last mechanism of defense.

"You assume a lot for someone who doesn't even know themselves. Get a fucking grip! What do you even contribute beyond wasting resources, sucking up mommy's retirement fund while you switch you major for the 5th time? Genuinely why am I the sad one in this situation!? At least I know who I am and what I'm going to be, I don't delude myself with dreams of being anything better than I am."

Katsuki shakes Taro for good measure before shoving him away, feeling the truth of his words like a vice grip around his heart.

"I guess you did realize what you were doing, huh Katsuki?" came the reply after a dreadful moment of silence.

"You know what! Fuck this! Fuck you! I'm leaving!"

"I packed up your stuff by the door."

A wash of fresh hurt burned through him at the statement. This was planned. Of fucking course this was planned.

Maybe he should have thought for a split second then before he did what he did next, maybe he should be regretting it more even now, standing in the center of a dilapidated apartment, wood floors warped from water damage, but really, it had felt like the perfect ending to that disastrous fucking night.

His fist connected with bone before he was really aware of what he was doing and Taro staggered back, blood pouring a steady stream from his nose.

Not even a moment later it was Katsuki who was reeling, pain blooming bright and hot across his cheek.

Only their heavy breaths were heard in the sudden silence before Katsuki started laughing, feeling manic. Heaving breaths turned into incredulous giggles that choked off into full blown laughter, loud and raucous and utterly out of place.

Taro was holding a hand to his bleeding nose and staring at Katsuki incredulously, like he could not even recognize the sight in front of him.

The laughs eventually fettered off and Katsuki just glared long and hard at Taro before whispering something he knew he would regret, something he only said to hurt him.

"I don't know what I saw in you 2 years ago but it definitely wasn't love."

He turned before he could watch that incredulous stare turn hurt and fragile, moving towards the neat little pile of boxes next to the front door. How had he missed that? It was in his line of vision as he entered and yet he was utterly unprepared for everything that had just transpired.

All of the boxes were moved outside in a matter of minutes, Katsuki just putting them next to the door so he could shut the infernal thing and never think about this again.

When everything was out he did not dare look into that slowly lightening hallway, just slammed the door shut with a sort of theatrical finality. Then, only then, did he look down at the pile of all his belongings and begin to feel despair creep in.

He could go to his friend's house, they would let him stay for as long as he needed. Katsuki knew that.

Yet it did not feel like a real option, he did not want to burden anyone else, not right now, not ever. So he just began methodically taking the boxes down to his car, piling them in his trunk and backseat.

It only took a few trips, and when it was done and Katsuki was sitting behind the wheel again far too soon for his liking, did he pause, rest his full body weight against the seat, and let out the longest sigh of his life.

He needed to get away, really leave this fucking sinkhole of a life.

After letting himself stew for a precious few minutes, he made up his mind and started driving, far, far away from there. He drove for as long as he could stand it that first day but he did have to pause and sleep in his car. It was far from comfortable but he could not afford to drop seven thousand yen for a single night stay, the car would have to do.

Even after waking up and starting on the road again it still took him the better part of the day to reach the city he had deemed as far enough away from everything to start over.

His phone had been ringing and buzzing with notifications for the vast majority of the trip and at some point he had grown tired.

When he drove along a coastline he had been half tempted to hurl the damned thing into the ocean and be done with it. It only took him remembering his dwindling savings to realize that was a terrible idea so he just put it on do not disturb and hurled it somewhere in his backseat, buried among the boxes.

Now he was here, at the dead of night in the shit hole he now called home, completely alone again.

It did not scare him as much as he thought, just scraped the bottom of a hole he had long ago dug, scratching the stone shielding his most vulnerable parts.

Fuck he needed a smoke. Then he could pass out and forgot about everything that had led him to this point, begin tomorrow anew.

He tried the window and it stuttered as it opened, kept getting caught as he pushed it up and finally fixed it in place high above his head. There was a moment where he became scared it would decide to lose its tentative hold and slam straight down onto his skull.

Katsuki was tired enough that he decided to just ignore it, let his fate be whatever the universe ordered.

A second of blindly digging through his pockets yielded him a crumpled cigarette box, a lighter tucked neatly inside. He settled himself tentatively on the window frame at first, not quiet trusting it to hold his weight, but settled down after a moment and adjusted a bit to try to get comfortable on the ledge.

Katsuki drew a cigarette from the box and lit it before he let his eyes fall outside, taking in the darkened streets and grimy buildings rising like stakes all around him.

His eyes drifted upward then, towards the sky in hopes of catching some rogue stars, but to his utter dismay it was hard to see anything but more of that pitch black. At least he still had the silver glow of the moon edging the world in molten mercury.

He took another drag and settled his head so it was craned upward, staring at nothing.

So this was his life now huh? Broke, living in a place a few months from collapse, alone in a new city. Tomorrow he would have to start looking for a new job, maybe two. It probably would not be too hard to get another bartender gig, at least he had experience there.

Thoughts whirled around him in a continuous array of increasingly bleak scenarios, before the window above him slid open with just as much resistance as his.

Long hair flowing outward on the subtle breeze was the first thing he saw, first a murky red that looked almost brown in the light and then a flash of white. What kind of candy cane ass dye job did this girl have?

He heard a snick of a lighter and then smoke was drifting out of the window, tangling in those mismatched strands. Katsuki was strangely entranced by the intimate sight, watching as the moonlight played off of that loose hair, mixed and muddied the colors all in a haze of dim silver. It was beautiful, he felt like he was witnessing something he should not.

The stranger took a few more long drags before lazily dropping their head and looking down at Katsuki.

They stared at each other for a few mystifying seconds, Katsuki taking in the shaded features looking at him with curiosity and realized that they were a man after all, a pretty boy but a boy nonetheless.

A second later the stranger looked away again, apparently not curious enough to talk. That was fine though, Katsuki was at the end of his cigarette and quietly stubbed it out on the frame that was already stained beyond help and moved back inside, lowering the window to just a faint crack so that the nighttime breeze would filter in.

He rifled through the boxes just enough to find himself a blanket and a makeshift pillow before setting up a depressing bed for himself on a floor that probably had not been cleaned in the last century.

Whatever, this was what he deserved.

So he just sighed out and lay in silence, trying not to let his thoughts deny him sleep. It did not work, never had, but he stayed still for long enough that his body got the memo and finally shut down, taking his mind with it.

An endless flurry of phone calls awaited him the next day, turns out it took far too much talking to set up utilities and other daily life shit. Too much money too.

He really needed to get a job now, the meager savings he had started out with were all but run out.

Clothes spilled across the floor as he rooted through the boxes for something semi decent to wear, luckily he had been able to take a shower already but he still looked disheveled afterwards, dark circles staining his eyes, hair somehow tangled despite its short length.

He took the time to try to look okay at bare minimum, and when he was finally satisfied he released the deadbolt preserving his entire life and left the shoebox of a home for the first time since he got there.

A stabbing pain rang through his eyes at seeing the late afternoon sun for the first time that day, all honey slick and making even the rickety staircase not look so bad. The steps still creaked menacingly beneath his feet though so he quickly made his way down and starting touring the area around his apartment.

Long hours had passed and Katsuki had managed to map out a good bit of the area, pop into a few bars, and eventually find a place willing to trial him something like an hour away. At least he had a car.

He had been told to come back near twenty two so he decided to just make his way back to the apartment, maybe stop into a grocery store to pick up bare bones essentials. It was not like he had anything to eat that day, much less his usual coffee, so he figured if he wanted to survive in the coming days grabbing some stuff would be the best course of action.

His legs were protesting fiercely by the time the grim structure that now housed him rose in the distance and his shoulders were not in much better shape, having supported the weight of groceries for the last twenty something minutes.

Finally though he was ascending the shitty stairs, back to their usual grimy luster in the low light of evening. If anything they looked worse now, the light bulb that had been sputtering yesterday now completely tweaking out, flashing fast enough to give an unlucky passerby a seizure.

By tomorrow there probably would not even be a light anymore, and he would bet on everything that the landlord had no intentions of replacing it when it burned out.

He was just approaching his door, and leaned a heavy shoulder on it to support the groceries weight while fishing in his pockets for the keys when the stairs above him squealed in protest, followed by someone making a quick descent. They were probably just as concerned as he was about the metal crumbling under their feet with just a light step.

By some curiosity he looked up just in time to see a flurry of red and white hair brush past him and disappear down the stairwell, his neighbor clearly in too much of a hurry to care about the new resident.

For a reason he could not place he meandered over to the thin railing and watched as his neighbor flew down the rest of the steps and break into a full blown sprint once his feet hit asphalt. Seeing him even like this Katsuki could not help but stare as his figure retreated into the distance, a black coat fluttering behind him like a pair of wings.

Only once the night was quiet again and not a trace was left of the whirlwind that had been his neighbor did Katsuki finally manage to grab his keys and shoulder open the door to his apartment.

It was just as much of a shithole as when he left it though and a tired sigh broke from his mouth.

He dumped everything on the counter and spent the rest of the time preparing to go back to the bar for his trial, really hoping that it would go well enough to dig him out of the pit he had dug for himself.

A week passed and Katsuki fell into a new sort of normalcy, work all night at the bar, come home, smoke a cig at the same time as his neighbor, pass the fuck out, and repeat. He had been able to afford a cheap second hand fridge so he could start cooking again, which really was a blessing, he had almost forgotten how much comfort he gleaned from the simple action.

Sure he was still ignoring the messages coming in every day from concerned friends, declining the calls and watching the notifications pile up in the hundreds, but he was doing okay now.

The bar had hired him after only trialing for ten minutes, and the place was fine. It was enough. That was all that mattered.

He had still yet to speak to his neighbor, and the only times he saw him were in the middle of the night, dawn struggling to break over the horizon when they both leaned against their window frames and found comfort in the smoke.

After that first night his neighbor never gazed down at him again, content to pretend he was alone, and that was fine too, it was not like he wanted to know more about the pretty boy with a candy cane dye job anyways. It was fine.

So tonight as he was driving home he expected the same, considered maybe making dinner with some leftover ingredients in the fridge, anything to stretch what he had. He was making money every day he worked at the bar though, but tips were not quite enough for anything remotely comfortable. Maybe he should start looking for a second job, he had to pay for everything now and it was far more than he could reasonably sustain with just a tiny paycheck.

He parked and got out, too focused on that somehow still flickering light bulb that signaled home now, and far too exhausted to notice the other pair of headlights lingering on in their lot.

That was until a door swung open behind him and hushed voiced carried through the night.

Katsuki was tempted to ignore it and he had already started walking toward the death trap parading as stairs when he caught wind of an argument.

"I already told you no," the first voice says, somehow both monotone and melancholic.

"Then I'll just ask 'gain tomorrow," the second voice is scratchy and is more than a little lilted, clearly intoxicated.

The car door slams shut and footsteps quickly approach where Katsuki had paused to peep into the conversation. Trying not to look too conspicuous he hurriedly pulls out a light and relaxes against the wall, pretending he had just stepped out for a quick smoke instead of intruding in someone's personal business.

Footsteps are drowned out by the squeal of tires as the car shoots out of the parking lot, wobbling just slightly in its path.

He traces its movements before shifting his focus to the man wading through the dark. Even in the dim light he looks worn out, like whatever he was doing sucked all the life force out of him. As he approaches Katsuki finally catches on the two toned hair, that candy cane dye job he had been secretly wondering about since the first night.

For the first time Katsuki can make out his face and he may have frozen mid drag in surprise.

The man was beautiful, there was no doubt about that, even the heaviness laden in his eyes could not drag down their resplendence, that ocean of blue and heavy fog roiling in a thunderstorm felt like they could capsize Katsuki and he would be more than okay with it, if only to have the sight be his last.

Even the scar cutting across his face only accentuated how perfect everything else was, a patchwork quilt of hurt laid bare yet concealed so completely by the icy set of his of lips, the slackness of his face mimicking neutrality.

Katsuki realized that he had stopped breathing at some point and smoke accumulated in his mouth, making him start coughing to expel the acrid taste.

His neighbor looked at him then, seemingly realizing that he was there and tilted his head in a silent question only he knew, something Katsuki was not privy to. Then after a second of gazing at the blond desperately trying to get his breathing back under control, he spoke.

"You moved in downstairs, right?"

He felt hardly composed enough to answer that, a faint sheen on red on his cheeks that was a mix of lack of oxygen and embarrassment.

"Yeah, last week…"

Such a boring response, damn it Katsuki.

His neighbor nodded and seemed to think for a moment before saying something that only made Katsuki freeze up again.

"The last person died, I thought maybe they'd been reanimated and decided to go home," his neighbor said with an entirely blank expression, tone betraying nothing.

Katsuki could not decide if that was meant to be a joke or if the man was being completely serious. Not a single muscle had so much as twitched to give an indicator and Katsuki was out of his depth, the only people he had spoken to recently were customers and he usually just grunted at them.

Upon seeing his lack of reaction his stranger awkward started playing with the strands of his hair and said, "That was meant to be a joke," a little quieter, "Sorry."

An involuntary laugh broke out of Katsuki at the sheer earnestness of the statement and with it he was finally able to snap back into a semblance of himself.

"I'm Katsuki, and even if I look like it I'm not dead I promise," he said with a light grin.

That elicited the first hint of an emotion he had seen from the other, even if it was just a slight twitch of his lips.

"I'm Shouto."

"Well it's good to finally put a name to my late night smoking buddy," Katsuki continued, snubbing out the one lazily drifting smoke in his hand.

"Yeah… me too."

With that Shouto gave a slight nod as if justifying to himself that the conversation was over and resumed walking towards the rickety staircase that led to both of their homes. He paused just as he was about to ascend it though.

Not even looking over his shoulder he said, "I would avoid the first step, it broke once and I'm pretty sure they fixed it with zip ties."

Noted, don't step on the first step unless he potentially wanted to be impaled with rusty metal.

After that Shouto took off up the stairs, his gait lethargic. Katsuki followed shortly after, and only after landing safely in his apartment did he lean against the door and huff out a half laugh.

Sure, his neighbor was awkward but it was cute instead of annoying, and not to mention those eyes.

He wanted to know more about him, talk in the dark hours before dawn, and maybe, just maybe form a connection.

Right now though, he needed dinner.

After he was sated he opened the sticky window and glanced upwards, unable to suppress a grin when he saw smoke drifting out of the window above him and a curtain of glossy hair alight with molten silver.

Unfortunately for Katsuki's damned mind dreaming of roiling water and storm clouds, they did not really see each other again after that night.

His personal life had improved marginally, having gotten a second job. Now he was actually able to afford furniture for his apartment with cheap stuff from thrift stores and occasionally something left on the side of the road, fresh vegetables for simple meals and spices. Taro had kept all of them, so Katsuki was stuck with only salt and pepper for the first while after he moved in. Now though, his food finally had flavor.

Life was getting back on track, and he should feel happy about that but he made himself too busy to care.

So it was another ordinary day that he found himself making Katsudon at some ungodly hour of the morning after his shift, window open to let the cool nighttime breeze in, that something different happened.

He had just finished eating and sat on the now familiar windowsill, lighting up a cigarette and looking up after his first drag expelled smoke in the air, that he saw not just hair lit up by the moon but also the side of a face peering down at him. Despite the initial startle Katsuki just stared back with a raised eyebrow.

"What did you make?" came a low voice, sinfully smooth despite the tired edge.

It took him a second to process the question after so long of silence but he did eventually answer.

"Katsudon, why?"

He saw the outline of fingers twiddling with hair and knew Shouto was feeling a little embarrassed but he was not about to let this conversation slip through his grasp again.

"Do you want some? I made extra."

Silence fell thick, the only sound to be heard a light breeze while Shouto ducked away, disappearing behind the haze of his hair.

Katsuki was at a bit of a loss, feeling like he had said the wrong thing, but a moment later Shouto disappeared from the window and leaned out from inside his apartment, gazing down at Katsuki in a vortex of his hair.

"Okay," he replied, and with that fell away from the window again, leaving nothing but the shrouded night sky.

A slow blink was all Katsuki could muster in response to that, a bit in disbelief that it was that simple all along. He was not going to complain though, and a moment later he heard the dismal squeak of metal stairs before a light rap landed on his door.

So he snubbed out the last bit of the cigarette and twisted to go back inside. His sock laden feet landed on the floor he had actually gotten around to cleaning, but nothing could save it from the damage it had already incurred. It felt a little bit awkward to open the door and invite someone in, the space was nicer than when he had moved in but it was not the greatest.

He still unlocked the door and opened it though, relieved when he saw that Shouto was just as nervous as he was. Even with the stolid expression he was playing with the ends of his hair and looking a little out of place.

Katsuki let a reassuring little smile form on his face as he said, "Come on in."

All he got in return was a mute nod before Shouto stepped in far enough for Katsuki to close the door behind him, trapping them both in the too small space.

Apparently curiosity overrode Shouto's nerves and he walked around the apartment, looking at what Katsuki had managed to furnish the place with. His little self guided tour took only a few seconds though, a quick spin and he had seen everything in the place.

"Your place is really clean."

As good as he could make it, "Just wish it was possible to scrub the burn marks from the floor."

"I got a rug big enough to fill most of the space," Shouto replied, turning towards Katsuki now that he had run out of room to snoop.

"That's probably the best move, I scrubbed this shit for hours and it still feels gross."

Katsuki awkwardly shifted from foot to foot as he looked around the tiny room that had become his home, suddenly feeling like it was in just as shit a state as when he arrived there. All the furniture was mis-matched and had clearly been used throughout generations, all worn in with fraying cushions that no one had taken the time to mend so they had only grown bigger.

It was not something he was especially proud of, but it functioned, and that was really all that mattered these days.

He moved over to what could barely be called a kitchen, just two cluttered countertops and a tiny mini fridge and started making Shouto a plate, that is what he had come down for after all.

"Do you cook?" he asked, just to make conversation.

"I managed to burn a boiled egg once and gave up," was the quiet reply. Again in that blank tone that left Katsuki guessing at if that was a joke or the truth.

It was still funny though, and Katsuki barked out a laugh that some people told him sounded mean.

"How the fuck even?"

When he looked over for an answer, eyes dancing with mirth all he saw was an awkward shrug and that was all he needed to know that what Shouto had said was genuine.

"What, seriously? You just take those fuckers out after 5 to 7 minutes… did you boil them in gasoline or something?"

The shrug this time was just a raise of shoulders as Shouto looked away, bottom lip lightly pulled beneath his teeth. Holy shit this guy was hopeless. If anything though it only made him more endearing, and Katsuki let the subject drop with a slight grin lingering on his face, putting the last few things in the bowl.

He brought it over to the tiny two person table and chairs he had stuffed unceremoniously in the corner and sat down in one.

Katsuki feared what Shouto was regularly eating if he could not cook for shit, and now that he was seeing him in actual lighting he realized how thin the other was, probably surviving off of instant shit. He barely knew anything about him anyways, only that they both worked nights and needed a smoke to decompress before passing out.

"Well prepare to have your mind blown half and half because my cooking is fucking delectable."

Shouto was pulling his chair out to sit but the comment stopped him, and he cocked his head at Katsuki for a quick second, "Half and half?"

"Your hair, weird ass choice for a dye job."

A light hum answered that as Shouto finally settled down in his chair and picked up the chopsticks Katsuki had propped up on a napkin.

"It's not a dye job," Shouto answered, and began splitting the meat into smaller pieces.

"You're shitting me," Katsuki deadpanned.

"I don't make a habit of shitting," he answered, and just the slightest twitch of his mouth let Katsuki know he was joking.

Even without that indicator though Katsuki would have laughed anyways, and he broke out into a snort that turned into a raucous laugh. The little joke was so unexpected that he kept laughing, unable to stop himself for a long while.

When he could finally breath again, Katsuki smirked and said, "You're so fucking stupid."

Now that got more than a little reaction, the edges of Shouto's mouth earnestly curled up into a soft little smile and Katsuki was fucked.

After that Shouto took his first bite of the katsudon and Katsuki watched intently, head resting on his hands, as those stormy eyes widened a fraction and he looked at Katsuki like he was some kind of god. A smug grin crossed Katsuki's face in an instant as he waited for Shouto to finish chewing so he could be complimented.

"This is incredible," Shouto breathed, before digging back in.

"I fucking said it would be."

Shouto ate fast enough that they could not really get in any other words and Katsuki just grinned smugly the whole time, feeling some of his shattered pride getting restored at each pleased noise he heard.

Once he was done and Katsuki had taken the bowl to the sink, resolving to clean it later, he turned back and settled on the marginally more comfortable couch. The apartment was small enough that about every surface you could sit on was close enough to speak easily.

"Thanks for the food… It's been a while since I had something home cooked," Shouto said, fiddling with that piece of hair again.

"You're welcome back anytime, I wouldn't mind feeding your scrawny ass everyday."

A light nod came in response and Shouto seemed to hesitate before murmuring, "I wouldn't want to put you out, we're both in this place for a reason."

Katsuki scoffed, offended at the implication that he could not make room in his budget for his shy, unintentionally funny neighbor, "Don't worry your pretty head about that princess."

Shouto only rolled his eyes at him, apparently used to Katsuki's shit by now. It was hopelessly cute.

A reedy ray of sun spilled through the window then, stark and golden compared to the harsh led light raining down on them. Red and white strands obscured Shouto's face as he gazed out wistfully into the weak light and he made a little coughing noise as he stood up.

"I should go, it's past bedtime for both of us."

Reluctantly Katsuki nodded, not really wanting this moment to end. Another would come, and he hoped soon at that, so he stood up as well, moving towards the door.

"Yea you're right… Promise you'll let me feed you again though?"

Slight shock appeared on Shouto's face, his irises widening just a bit, like he had never been invited to come back again.

"Sure," he said though, a touch of determination threading the word.

Katsuki grinned for the nth time that night and opened the door, holding it as Shouto darted past him, lingering for just a second on the shitty stairway they shared before continuing upward.

He shut and locked the door behind him, not even having to strain to hear the door upstairs open and shut softly, footsteps pad across what he now knew was a rug before collapsing on a bed. Taking that as a cue to also get to bed Katsuki followed suit shortly after, passing out quickly and dreaming of that slight smile.

It became a thing, the only real break from the monotony of his daily life. Every day continued to go the same, see the dwindling notifications from his friends when he woke up, grit his teeth as he swiped them away, go to work, have dinner and a smoke with Shouto, and go to bed.

Life was steadily getting okay again, so long as he ignored everything up until he moved across the country in his beater car, all he was tucked away in the backseat.

Even the shitty little apartment starting feeling more like home the longer he spent there, the countertop filled with storage racks and brightly colored spices, a shelf holding all his pots and pans nearby and dry goods littered throughout. It had become cozy and he found himself looking forward to falling down on his ratty couch littered with plush blankets, all burnt oranges and hazy grays.

He had even peeled off the wallpaper soaked with soot and repainted the drywall underneath. Everything was soft and homey, dim lamps lingering in a few corners that cast the room in warm shadows after light fell and before the sun broke in soft pastels over the horizon.

Every time Shouto came over he relaxed a bit more, got more comfortable taking up space and lounging on the furniture scattered around the apartment. One time he had even tried to help Katsuki cooking but the first cut of his knife had gone straight through skin and once Katsuki had patched him up he relegated Shouto to just watching again.

He never asked again after that, just stared attentively as Katsuki chopped up vegetables and made them something new almost every day.

Until one day, when Shouto did not come down.

Smoke still filtered out of the upstairs window, in a seemingly never ending rush. By the time Katsuki had finished his first smoke a fresh plume of hazy grey came from above, and it had not ceased even after Katsuki had finished making dinner.

That was worrying to say the least, Shouto had not skipped out on their pre dawn hangouts once during the past few weeks. He also did not seem like the type of person to chain-smoke, but that was clearly what was happening, had not stilled for a second in almost half an hour. It was too sudden, too quiet, so Katsuki did what had allowed them to really talk in the first place and hung out the window.

He shouted up, "Hey half and half there's food down here!"

Smoke still lazily trailed out from the window and even the glossy white hair, glowing in the moonlight, did not so much as waver at his words.

Okay, something was fucking up here.

He took the stairs up as cautiously as he could despite his haste, they still creaked violently under his steps and threatened to drop him straight to the spiky layer below.

It took him a second to knock as he paused before the door, suddenly unsure of if he was even wanted here, if Shouto would answer at all. Sure they knew each other now, hung out regularly for weeks in the midst of twilight and ate together, but did they really know each other?

Katsuki told him work stories about shitty patrons and what happened to annoy him that day, but Shouto never really reciprocated, told him nothing about his past or what he even did during the dwindling hours before they met up. He knew nothing but those tiny smiles, the way his eyes twitched to reveal the emotions hidden beneath the surface.

Was that enough to say that he knew him? That he would even care that Katsuki felt worried enough to check up on him?

He was not sure of anything anymore. It felt like he was back in his beater car racing across the country because he had slowly inched away from everyone, ruined everything in one fell swoop. He did not deserve Shouto, did not deserve anyone anymore.

Metal rattled as he paced in front of the door, knowing he should leave but feeling reluctant to.

A spark of irritation flashed at the thought, where the fuck did his willpower go? Years ago he would have all but busted the door down if one of his friends was going through shit and refusing to talk about it, he would not have paced like some anxious fucking nerd in front of their door.

Who the hell even was he anymore?

To spite how fucking pathetic he had become he found himself furiously knocking on Shouto's door, determined to prove himself wrong, prove that he had not become such a fucking wimp that he would ignore the only friend he had right now. He was not going to let himself slide down this fucking slope again, not after how far he had already fallen.

The sound of his fist hitting the door was like a thunderclap in the silence of the night, rattling the very frame with its ferocity.

He kept beating the door, the sound intensifying as his hand turned warm and red.

Eventually the sound of a tinkling chain cut through the noise, bright and clear and Katsuki knew he had won.

Only a second later the door peeked open a crack and he saw a stormy blue eye looking at him with an unreadable expression. He could almost feel the rioting waves in that gaze, boat being knocked about by furious winds, a tsunami on the near horizon.

Katsuki suddenly felt himself at a loss for words, the spite that had got him this far faltering now that he was being faced with pure apathy.

Still, it seemed like Shouto was not going to speak first, was probably a breath away from slotting the door home and shutting Katsuki out forever, so he had to gather the frayed threads of his anger and form them into words.

"Why the fuck are you ignoring me asshole?" he said, trying his best to puff up the words.

"Can we not do this tonight Katsuki?" is the tired reply he got, Shouto clearly shifting to lean against the doorframe.

With the new viewpoint he could see the slouch that was probably cramping the shit out of the other's back, the lit cherry of a smoke held lazily by his side.

"I know you haven't eaten and just because you can't feel it by chain smoking like a mother fucker doesn't mean you're not hungry."

A blank blink, followed by a petty little puff of the cigarette that shot smoke straight into Katsuki's face.

Shouto let out a drawn out sigh that somehow sagged his body indescribably farther down the wall, "Not tonight," he repeated.

"Okay what the fuck is up with you? You're being a little emo bitch."

"Emo bitch?" he asked quietly, with his head ever so slightly cocked to the side.

Oh thank fuck Katsuki finally had an in, he had become scared for a second that the door was about to get slammed in his face and he would never see the half and half bastard again.

"You're acting all fucking depressed and shit! I get that stuff happens but no need to be an asshole to the person who's checking up on you!"

Finally that got more than a tiny reaction. Shouto looked away, down at the darkness where his feet were, bit his lip ever so slightly and a second later he walked somewhere in the apartment. It was hard to see more than hazy outlines of furniture from the little bit Katsuki could see but he tracked the scuffle of feet and was relieved when it angled back towards the door.

The door swung fully open and Shouto muttered a "Fine," before stepping out and passing a still Katsuki to go down the stairs.

Katsuki blinked in disbelief that his pushiness had worked, and he silently thanked the asshole he had been when he was younger for the determination to push through that interaction.

Shouto was sitting in his usual chair at the table by the time Katsuki headed back down and locked the door behind them, looking at Katsuki with a strange expression while he prepped a new plate. For his part Katsuki just raised his eyebrows when he caught the gaze and then set down the meal in front of Shouto, looking at him expectantly.

"So what happened?" he said after Shouto had eaten about half the plate.

"Just family stuff."

It was a vague answer but Katsuki wanted to know a bit more, he had gotten this far had he not?

"Shit family?"

A little hum in assent was all he got, so he decided to start fishing a little.

"I get it, my folks kicked me out when I decided not to go to college, told me to 'make my own way in the world if I was already giving up.'"

When Shouto looked at him again he could see his eyes soften just a touch, clearly knowing better than to express pity. Everyone in shit situations knew that only made it worse.

After a quiet little while in which only the slight scraping sounds of utensils filled the small apartment Shouto had finished and then looked pensively off to the right of Katsuki's head, staring out into the inky twilight.

It seemed like he reached a deliberation though when he sighed almost imperceptibly and still looking beyond Katsuki began to slowly speak.

"It's just… My dad has been going on an apology tour, trying to make up for being a shitty dad growing up I guess."

"What kind of shitty?" Katsuki could not stop himself from asking, if only to understand the slightly thready tone Shouto had taken on.

Stormy eyes flicked over to his for a second, the waves receding into a more gentle wake.

"Abusive shitty. He… called me today, left a voicemail that said nothing I wanted to hear."

Katsuki nodded sagely at that, he understood that all too well. After he had left his parent's house he completely distanced himself from them, resentment from being thrown away like trash ripe in his mind. It only took a few months before they were calling and texting him, trying to hold onto a broken connection, but he never replied, refusing to hear their apologies, justifications, any of that bullshit.

"You haven't blocked him?"

A gentle nod, "I did but he's persistent, keeps finding new numbers to torment me with."

Suddenly the scene from when they first spoke pops back into Katsuki's head, he had never got an answer as to what happened that night.

"Does that have anything to do with the guy who had driven you home the first night we met?"

"Hmm… oh, no. That was a coworker, he drank on the job and kept trying to ask me on a date. He was fired though," Shouto replied, looking at Katsuki for the first time this conversation now that the heavy stuff was over.

It was nice, and he wanted to keep that gaze. So he decided to redirect the conversation, make the night less of a shitty one for both of them.

"Speaking of jobs, I don't know yours."

"Oh, that's really boring though. I do the night shift of tech support."

"And that only affords you this shithole?" he could not help but ask, from what he knew anything in tech paid at least half decent.

Shouto looked up then, seeming to lose himself in a memory for a second before he spoke, "I guess I could upgrade if I really wanted to, but I've been here for years. It was the only place that didn't look twice at a teen living alone."

He seemed to snap out of his reminiscence and lightly shook his head before speaking again.

"So what brought you to this, as you said 'shithole?'"

Thinking clearly on it now it had been irrational, a complete overreaction to what had happened. He had abandoned everything he had known for a life that was objectively shit in comparison, cut off all his friends, never told his bosses that he was quitting, and moved to a more expensive city. All over a fucking relationship he had not been truly invested in for a long time.

"Identity crisis?" he tried, attempting to worm his way out of the question.

All that got in response was a slightly raised eyebrow that said his bullshit was not being bought so he sighed and looked away, not wanting to see the reaction Shouto would have to the truth.

"Fine, fucking hardball… I got broken up with, but I guess that wasn't really what pushed me over the edge. It was a slow thing, I realized that I didn't have much of a life, I worked, slept and worked, my existence was fucking depressing. Over time it was hard seeing my friends and those around me so full of life, going out and having fun all the time while I was just… there. So I distanced myself and when the final straw fell and I was kicked out of my boyfriend's apartment I realized I didn't have anything. So I left."

He looked at Shouto then, giving a grin of pure false bravado as he finished, "And that's about it."

Shouto just looked at him, not with judgment, not with anything really as he nodded and quietly said, "You should contact your friends, let them know you're alive at least. From my perspective at least you have a real life now, one you should be proud of."

Katsuki did not know what to say to that, was overwhelmed with a flurry of emotions all at once. God he would have given anything to fall back to anger right then, to ignore the painful flutter in his chest and the tears welling in his eyes as he looked at Shouto like he had all the answers, like he was his own personal fucking savior.

Instead all he could choke out was, "You really think so?"

Shouto, the bastard that he is, gave him that genuine tiny smile again and nodded. Katsuki shattered.

Tears blurred his vision and ran down his face far too quickly to even think of stopping them and Katsuki was heaving, feeling all those years of not feeling good enough, that regret of shutting out those who cared about him come raring in full force.

He barely heard footsteps approaching him but he did feel a warm hand rest on his back, patting awkwardly like Shouto was not sure of how to comfort him but was trying anyways.

If anything it made it worse, made the tears flow faster and steal his breath in more ways than one.

It was painful, it was perfect.

Time bled away as he worked his way through all the emotions, Shouto by his side trying to sooth him with whispered words and a light hand on his back.

When choked breaths became less labored he dared to speak again, "God I fucking hate you, why are you so perfect?"

He heard a quick inhale, could practically see the gears turning in Shouto's head as he tried to think of an answer. Eventually the pretty, stupid bastard replied, of course with the perfect fucking thing.

"Because we're both far from perfect."

Katsuki wanted to hit him, wanted to kiss him more.

God dammit when did he become the sad sap in this relationship? What kind of relationship did they even have now? He had invited Shouto down to comfort him, not be left shedding all his built up regrets in a torrent of tears. It was unfair, so stupidly unfair and yet he wanted nothing more than to keep that warm hand on his back and the low reassuring murmurs in his ears.

"Hey Shouto."

A lilted hum in lieu of a question answered him, the vibration ringing through his body from their close contact.

He made himself detach from that warmth, turning so he could see Shouto fully. At some point during his crying they had ended up on the floor and he slid himself across the rough wood to look at Shouto's eyes before he said what he did next.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked, keeping true to his word and looking dead on into the overcast harbor of his eyes, only ducking his head away afterwards.

"You can," was the reply and when Katsuki looked back he was transfixed by that little smile again.

He took the first step then, leading as he lightly grasped Shouto's face, feeling his own still ache from the tears that had dried on his skin, and leaned in.

They met somewhere in the middle and it was just as perfect as the man across from him, warm, sweet and a touch awkward. Despite the somewhat acrid taste of nicotine lingering in Shouto's mouth, mixed with the dinner Katsuki had all but forced on him, it was everything he could have dreamed of, a little universe inhabited by just the two of them. He forgot all the worries that had led up to this, ignored everything that was not Shouto and the warmth blossoming between them.

Katsuki never wanted this to end, and he vowed to himself that he would not make the same mistakes this time, that Shouto was worth devoting his all to even when he felt like a shell of a human. It did not matter in the face of Shouto's presence, he already knew everything.

They eventually broke apart to breathe, heaving and staring at each other like the other was all that was right in the world. There was nothing that could top this moment, Katsuki declared, he would remember this for the rest of his life.

Eventually a coy little smile made its way on Shouto's face as he said, "That was a little salty."

Katsuki scoffed in fake disgust at him while lightly pushing his shoulder, but he was smiling too.

"Shut the fuck up."

That earned him a little snort that Katsuki memorized in an instant, knowing that he would replay the treasured sound on loop until he could earn another one.

Shouto sat tight next to him as Katsuki picked up his phone, apprehension thick and clawing within him. He felt like he could barely breath, certainty not talk to all the people he was supposed to be making amends with. Damn Shouto for pushing him to do this, his friends probably hated him, would decline his calls.

He knew that was not true. Rationality flew out the window in the face of fear and fuck was Katsuki terrified.

A reassuring little squeeze to his hand told him everything was going to be okay though so he dragged in a grounding breath and scrolled through his contacts, planning to go in order. It took a ridiculous amount of effort to click on the first phone number, more fear spiking as the call tone rang.

Then it picked up.