Work Text:
[A 2020 photo of Shane Hollander lifting the Stanley Cup above his head.]
@NHLInsider Shane Hollander is officially an Unrestricted Free Agent. Rumors are swirling about a possible departure after his romantic relationship with Ottawa captain Ilya Rozanov was revealed less than two months ago. Will he stay in Montreal or head for icier pastures? Click on the link in our bio for all the insider analysis of where he might end up next.
Posted July 1 at 10:51 AM
***
@hatrickzzz Hoping he finally goes to a place that appreciates him!
@love2puck he’ll be lucky if anyone wants to touch him after all this mess. what a distraction.
@hockeywhore @love2puck the only distraction is how terribly he’s been treated by his team and the league. Wouldn’t blame him one bit if he walked away from the game altogether.
@zambonisrevenge There’s no way he’s going to Ottawa…right?
@blackandred As much as I want him here, there’s no fucking way.
@ilyarozanoff Whatever team he winds up at, I’m sure the announcement video will be EPIC.
__________
[Harris Drover stands on the ice at the Canadian Tire Centre with a welcoming and excited smile on his face. Several members of the Centaurs skate behind him, playfully passing a puck around and laughing at the antics of Ilya Rozanov.]
Harris: Hi everyone! I’m Harris Drover, your newly appointed Director of Communications for the Ottawa Centaurs, and I am going to pass the phone to a lovely guy isn’t very good at taking passes and got demoted to 2nd line because of my boyfriend.
[Tanner Dillon’s laughing face fills the phone screen, and he shakes his head, appearing to gently and playfully push at Harris as other members of the team can be heard laughing as well.]
Tanner: Goddamn, Harris. You’ve been spending too much time around Roz. Uh, hi. My name is Tanner Dillon, and I’m passing the phone to someone who once asked me what my opinion was on the Spider Man: One More Day comic during a stop in play.
[Wyatt Hayes grins and shrugs as he takes the phone.]
Wyatt: His opinion was terrible in that he had none. My name is Wyatt Hayes, and I am passing the phone to someone who thought it was a good idea to be outnumbered by his children.
[Nick Chouinard is handed the phone, and he holds it up, angling the camera down to show off his height.]
Nick: I am very tall, I’m safe for the time being. I’m Nick Chouinard and I am passing the phone to someone who once threatened to never invite me to another barbecue because I asked him to take it easy on the spices.
[Zane Boodram laughs boisterously, as he takes possession of the phone, clapping Nick on the back in a sign of obvious friendly affection as Nick skates off.]
Zane: My name is Zane, and I am passing the phone to someone who once drank an entire bottle of my pepper sauce to prove he wasn’t a wimp, and then I had to drive him to the ER to get his stomach pumped an hour later.
[Evan Dykstra takes the phone from Zane, tipping his camo hat and bowing slightly in acknowledgement of the story.]
Evan: Hi, I’m Evan Dykstra, and I’m passing the phone to someone who was late to watch film once because he had to go to two different Starbucks to get his boyfriend a cake pop because the first one he went to was out.
[The phone is passed to Troy Barrett who is grinning widely as Harris comes around and into the shot, giving him a kiss on the cheek.]
Troy: Worth it. Hi, I’m Troy, and I’m passing the phone to someone who was the founding member of the Zurich branch of the Ilya Rozanov Fan Club, and still sends out email blast updates to the three other members.
[Luca Haas looks horrified as the phone is passed to him, his cheeks burning bright red under the rims of his glasses as he glances helplessly at Troy just off camera.]
Luca: They’re not email blasts! It’s a SubStack with only the most pertinent information!
[Troy’s head peeks back into the frame.]
Troy: And occasional selfies to make the other members jealous.
Luca: Well, yes. It’s one of the only perks of the job. Anyway, I’m Luca Haas and I’m passing the phone to someone who doesn’t get paid nearly enough to put up with all of us.
[The phone is passed to Brandon Wiebe who smiles kindly at Luca before he looks somewhat uncomfortably into the camera.]
Wiebe: I’m Brandon Wiebe and I am passing the phone to someone who once tried to convince me that the ‘c’ on his jersey meant he was entitled to coca-cola, candy, cupcakes, and cute puppies at all times.
[There’s a raucous cheer from the team behind Wiebe, and Ilya Rozanov comes to take the phone from his coach, waving dramatically as if the stadium is filled with adoring fans.]
Ilya: Hello, I am your beloved captain, Ilya Rozanov, and I am handing the phone to someone who is so obsessed with me, he proposed to me and now he is moving cities and has signed with my team.
[Ilya makes a cringing face before he’s pushed and Shane Hollander comes into view of the camera. He looks annoyed standing on the ice next to Ilya in a Centaurs jersey. He grabs the phone from Ilya’s hand, but Ilya can still clearly be seen right next to Shane, his smile beaming.]
Shane: Fuck off, Rozanov. You can’t introduce me like that! You fucking cried at both of those things, you giant asshole.
[Ilya leans in and begins to pepper Shane’s face with kisses, and Shane half-heartedly tries to push him off.]
Ilya: Hey, guess what, Hollander?
Shane: [He lets out a sigh even as his lips turn up at the corners.] What, Rozanov?
Ilya: We play on the same team now.
[Shane finally turns to fully face Ilya, and Ilya wastes no time in capturing his lips in a deep kiss. Shane’s arms reach up to twine around Ilya’s neck, causing the phone to fall and crash hard on the ice beneath them. Harris can be heard in the background.]
Harris: Hey, what the heck guys that’s my phone! I don’t exactly make hockey player money, you know!
@centaurshockey Welcome, Shane Hollander!
Posted July 4 at 1:21 PM
***
@clickbaiter Wait. Shane Hollander proposed to Ilya Rozanov?
@newtralzone I’m sorry. Who proposed to whom now?
@ilyarozanoff This is exactly what I had in mind about an announcement video, but it is pretty epic in its own, strange way.
@dman100 There’s no way you date Shane Hollander and not propose to him.
@troybarretthockey @dman100 THANK YOU. It makes no sense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@b00dramzane Yeah, I gotta say, I am little surprised at you @ilyarozanov81
@wyatthayes Like are you aware that’s SHANE HOLLANDER?
@puckingawes0me ur telling me that 3x Stanley Cup winner Shane Hollander and #1 hottest man in the NHL didn’t get proposed to? There is no justice in this world.
@troybarretthockey @puckingawes0me Exactly. God, what kind of messed up world do we live in?
@tiredafmom Don’t get me wrong, Rozanov is a dish, but…how do you not propose to Shane Hollander first?
@lucahaas I think it’s very romantic that Shane proposed to our captain ❤️
@harrisdrover1995 I got a new phone in case anyone was worried! Thanks @realshanehollander & @ilyarozanov81
@ilyarozanov81 EAT IT, HATERZZZZZZ 💍💍💍💍💍
@ilyarozanov81 Except you @lucahaas, you can have many photos for your email spam about me.
@lucahaas @ilyarozanov81 It’s not spam!! It’s a very respected email newsletter!
@realshanehollander Is anyone going to talk about the fact that I just signed with Ottawa? Literally anyone?
@ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander No ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️