Chapter Text
Zanka has always had a weird relationship with food. To him, food was a privilege rather than a right. He always considered it normal. He denied his body food so often that his body had stopped giving him hunger signals, a small win in his opinion. The only time in years that he actually felt hungry was when he was in that well, just another failure on his part.
When he joined the Cleaners, it was a shock to him how easygoing they were when it came to food, especially considering how they don’t have the biggest food supply.
The Cleaners like to eat together, especially the teams. Being part of Team Akuta meant that he was on a team with the two most stubborn people ever, who can’t take “no” for an answer, especially when it came to eating as a team. Frankly, it was annoying to him. He always tried to avoid them by going to training or moving his food around to look like he had been eating.
“C’mon, Zan,” Riyo says, throwing an arm around him, leaning on him. “You haven’t eaten with us as a group yet,” she says, frowning. He knows that he can’t get out of this.
As he sits at the table, trey in front of him, he’s silently counting how many calories he hasn’t earned the right to eat yet. It looks too good to be true. He knows how scarce food is on the Ground, even if you have money. Enjin is watching him intently, and he forces himself to eat. He’s going to have to make up for this later.
He forces all of the food down, feeling sick to his stomach once he does. I haven’t earned any of this… he tells himself. “Happy?” He asks Riyo, who is smiling at him. It almost makes him feel bad for what he’s about to do. “Mhm!” She hums, making him feel even more guilty.
“Ima go ta bed,” he says. He tends to go to bed early, but never this early. He’s glad that his team seems too distracted by eating to notice the weird behavior.
His legs feel wrong as he walks. The moment he makes it back to his room and closes the door, he makes a beeline to the bathroom, falling to his knees in front of the toilet, shoving his fingers down his throat. He gags until he finally starts making progress.
Purging. That’s what he heard them say. The girls back at the academy were obsessed with purging, saying that they could make everyone think they were actually eating just to vomit. Some of them even started to enjoy shoving their fingers down their throat and vomiting. He didn’t understand how they could willingly eat someone's food, something hard to find, just to waste it. It’s the reason he avoids eating so much.
His eyes burn with tears that he refuses to let spill. He’s already doing something as pathetic as this; he can’t handle the shame of crying on top of that. After who knows how long, food stops coming up, only water. His breath is ragged, coming fast and short and uneven. With a trembling hand, he flushes the toilet, standing up on trembling legs. He needs to go train to make up for it. He has to.
Grabbing Lovely Assistaff, he heads over to the training area. It’s getting late, so only a few people are there right now. Enjin is one of them, sparring with their main supporter, Gris. When Enjin sees him, he smiles, and Gris looks over as well, doing the same, before they go back to sparring.
Zanka takes one of the training dummies, getting into position to start.
.
.
“Wow, Zanka,” Enjin says, patting him on the back. He just took down a trash beast by himself! “Nice work, kid!” Enjin says, and he feels himself start to giggle, forcing himself to hold his laughter in so that he doesn’t seem like a total weirdo in front of the Enjin. Enjin complimented him. He took down a trash beast by himself. He earned the right to eat.
That night, no one has to force him to go eat. He gets a large tray of food for himself, immediately starting to inhale the whole thing. Everyone is looking at him, the guy who hardly ever touched his tray, downing food like there’s no tomorrow.
It feels good to actually eat. To know that he won't go to his bathroom and purge all of this delicious food. He can’t help but laugh a little.
“Damn, Zanka,” Enjin says, laughing a little. “You really can put some food away when ya want to. Kinda surprised seeing someone as skinny as you eating so much right now,” Enjin comments, but Zanka just keeps munching away, barely looking up at Enjin when he talks to him.
He takes a few more bites before something starts to feel wrong. He has the sudden need to vomit. He has to get away before he does that in front of everyone. “I’ma go ta bed,” he says, standing up and turning away before gagging, forcefully swallowing the gunk back down even as it burns his throat. The second he makes it to his room, he runs to the bathroom, barely making it before throwing up.
Just like that, everything he had just had gone into the toilet. Shit… Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT! He shouts internally as he gags again. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to be able to enjoy eating with his friends for once.
Tears stream down his face, and he flushes the toilet before trying to stand, but his knees buckle, causing him to fall to the floor, collapsing. He can’t move. His vision goes spotty as black spots start to appear. He feels like he’s floating between this world and some place far, far away.
.
.
I’m such a failure! He tells himself, using his anger as fuel as he trains. He and Enjin are sparring, and the memory of last night has been burned into his mind.
Dodge.
Hit.
Dodge.
Dodge.
Hit.
His limbs start to feel heavy, and it’s clear that Enjin can see just how hard he’s trying to keep up. “Hey, kid, wanna take a quick break?” He asks, but Zanka shakes his head. “Ok. Well, I’ma take one real quick. Feel free to join me,” he offers, but Zanka can hardly hear the words behind the ringing in his ear.
Everything feels wrong, almost like it did just last night. Was it because he didn’t eat this morning? No. He never eats in the mornings because he hasn’t done anything yet to earn eating. He was always fine in the past, so why was it impacting him now?
“Hey, Zanka, come over here,” Enjin tells him, and he struggles to look up at him. People are staring, but he doesn’t move. He looks down at the ground, his eyes struggling to stay open. He sways once. Twice. Three times before falling to the ground, unconscious.
.
.
He could tell the kid was about to pass out, but he went down so fast that Enjin didn’t even have time to process what was happening. People were staring, and Gris rushed over to Zanka, quickly checking his pulse and pulling his eyes back to see how he responded to light.
“He’s just unconscious,” Gris tells him, but that does nothing to satiate the panic running through his mind. “Let’s take him to Eishia. You carry him while I call her, kay?” He asks, and Enjin nods, crouching down to pick Zanka up.
Zanka feels light. Like, freakishly light. He doesn’t have time to ponder why the kid is so skinny, rushing over to Eishia once Gris gives him the all clear.
Eishia is already ready when he brings Zanka. For being so young, Eishia really is good at her job. He’s really glad that Alice let her come join the Cleaners. He’s also pretty sure he saw Alice was here today, so she’ll be able to help out.
Alice is there with Eishia preparing a table when they arrive, and the old lady guseters for him to bring Zanka over. Enjin explains the situation while Alice lifts his arm, freezing. “ENJIN!” She shouts, startling him from his thoughts. “DOES THIS BOY EAT?” She asks.
Enjin can’t help but laugh a little. Yeah? He just saw him eat a ton yesterday? “Uhh, yeah? Why’d you ask?” He questions, and Alice sighs, lifting his sleeve up entirely, revealing skin that’s basically fused to bone. He almost gags at the sight. “I– I watched him eat yesterday… And the day before, and before that… Sure, he seems to be a bit iffy about food, but i’ve watched him eat!” He insists.
“Enjin,” she says, snapping him from his frantic trance. She opens his eyes slightly, revealing how shot they are. “Do you know what ‘purging’ is?” She asks, and Enjin feels himself go pale. Neither of them have to say anything else.
“You think he has an eating disorder of some sort?” He asks, already knowing the answer before Alice can nod her head. Eishia looks like she’s one wrong words away from tears, trembling as she holds her vital instrument, looking at Zanka.
“At this stage, I think it’s best to insert him with I.V fluids… I highly doubt his body can take any proper food right now…” she says, moving to start setting up a bag.
Enjin stares at the boy. He stares at the kid he said he would protect. How could he miss something like this? He saw how some of the girls at the “orphanage” got about food, and it seems like Zanka treats it the same way. How did he miss something like this? How?
.
.
His head feels heavy. In fact, all of his body feels heavy. He hates it. He scans his surroundings, noting that he’s in the infirmary, tied up to an I.V. He would move to pull it out if he could, but his body feels so weak. His sleeves are gone, revealing just how skinny and frail he is. He hadn’t taken a good look at himself since he left that well.
“Zanka,” someone says, and he slowly turns to look at Enjin, who has the old woman, Alice, next to him. He looks like he’s been crying. He goes to say something, but he’s so… tired.
.
.
“He’s out again,” Enjin notes, not bothering to glance up at Alice.
“He’ll probably do that a lot, Enjin.”