Chapter Text
“Giorgia,” Ash said politely. “I beseech that you reconsider my offer to invent a horse.” Giorgia put down her phone.
“Ash, what is a horse? How can I embezzle money to invent a horse if I don't know what it is.” She sighed.
“So like, I know the timeline has gotten a little wonky, but a horse is an extremely fast mammal.” Ash replied. She pulled out her trusty PowerPoint on his trusty laptop and projected onto Giorgia’s television in her room. On the screen was an intricate diagram showing how a horse worked. Ash clicked the space key and showed a picture of a whole horse.
“As you can see, it would be easier to start with a tapir base, as they are the most closely related to this hypothetical horse. This would only be about a million bucks.” Ash promised. “Think of the benefits. You would have so many tourists coming to see this legendary horse! We could even stick a horn on one of their heads and present it as a unicorn! This would be a huge advance for science, and as another benefit, it would distract The Asexual Council, which would free up the rest of the Italian government to implant their spy. I understand that your groups have extreme beef with each other after the vanilla extract incident and you are at threat of having extremely dangerous classified files released, right?”
“Shit” Giorgia laughed. “You’ve made some extremely good points. I’ll ask around, pull some strings, cash in some favors. I think this will help my public opinion immensely. I’ll text you if I am successful.” Ash was ecstatic and could hardly contain herself.
“Thank you Giorgia!” She squealed. “Are we still on for Thursday?”
“Of course.” Giorgia said sweetly, pulling the covers over her. “Good night.” Ash disconnected her laptop and packed it back in her backpack.
“Good night!” She exclaimed as she climbed out Giorgia's window, backpack dangling from her hand. Ash was very satisfied about how that conversation went. The rose-water jasmine cake last week had definitely pushed her request in her favor. She couldn't put into words what sort of relationship she had with Giorgia. It was so weird but she was oddly okay with that. She climbed over the vine-ridden stone wall, and waved to the security guard. Ash would implement the next phase of the plan tomorrow.
This had all started when she had hopped onto Zillow to attempt to find an affordable house nearby. Ash had scrolled through the offerings. She wasn't picky. She wanted a house that was sturdy and had room for a garden, and her two cats. Yet, every house in the area was at least 700,000 euros. The best she could find was a 300,000 euro place 6 hours south in the country, which needed major renovations. She eyed up the stack of spell books for summoning eltrich horrors. Perhaps they would give her the money needed for a house. Ash opened the top book, and pricked her finger for the bit of blood needed. She avoided the vanilla extract demon book like the plague. She knew better than to summon them after the vanilla extract incident. As Ash said the words, a shadowy being, twice as tall as her, emerged into her living room. Asphalt and Concrete, her cats, scampered away.
“What do you want?” The shadowy being asked impatiently.
“I want to suddenly own this property.” Ash replied, showing the shadowy being the house listing she wanted. “Use your eltrich horror magic to ensure that the Italian government doesn't think much of it and I avoid any property or transfer taxes on that house forever.”
“Seriously?” The shadowy being exclaimed. “That's what you want to get? Whatever, but is the housing market really that bad? That’ll be all the garlic bread in the world.”
“Why garlic bread?” Ash asked.
“Because it's tasty and we have a garlic bread shortage in the fourth dimension.” The shadowy being replied.
“Dang, alright. Give me a few days.” Ash exclaimed. The shadowy being nodded and disappeared. Ash ran over to Daniel’s apartment and knocked on the door. Daniel opened the door, weary and covered in plants.
“Can I borrow your steal-everythinginator?” Ash asked excitedly. “I’ll give it back.” Daniel was quiet for a moment, but tossed the thing to Ash.
“Thank you.” Ash said. “I know things between us have been awkward since the vanilla extract incident but I really appreciate it! I'll give it back when I'm done.”
“Keep it.” Daniel said, smirking. Ash nodded and lugged the steal-everythinginator back to her apartment. When she kicked the door open, her cats finally emerged from hiding. Asphalt came to investigate the contraption. Ash set it on her dining room table.
“That's not food.” Ash said gently, nudging Asphalt away. She opened the steal-everythinginator, rewired a couple things, and put in a new motherboard. Ash then realized that The Asexual Council would murder her immediately if she tried to carry out this plan. Frustrated, Ash paced for hours and hours, trying to think of a way to make it work. Time shenanigans were off the table, as well as espionage. She had learned from the vanilla extract incident that both of those things only brought chaos, and were probably why the housing market was so bad right now. Suddenly, she had the idea. In the last timeline, horses existed, but not in this one. Perhaps if her sort-of-friend-situationship Giorgia could put her prime-minister powers to use, then she could have a distraction long enough to secure the deal with the shadowy being. Ash laughed maniacally.
“I think this will work!”
Ash snapped back to the present. The Asexual Council definitely overheard their interaction. She couldn't keep track of who was an Aspec-spy or not but there had been at least one in Giorgia's mansion. But it was all going to be okay. She flopped onto her bed and fell asleep.
The next morning, Ash rushed to work. Just as she got her zoo keeper uniform on, she heard a ding on her phone.
Giorgia had texted her, saying that the plan was successful. Ash was so excited, she could barely contain herself. She put down her phone and started her work. Hours later, when she had arrived home, she threw everything to the ground and called for the shadowy being. It suddenly appeared.
“You called?” It said. Ash nodded and pressed the button on the steal-everythinginator. Bit by bit, garlic bread crashed through her window. The shadowy being opened a mysterious portal and the garlic bread flew into the fourth dimension with a woosh. Ash heard a rumble and opened the window even further. Over two hours, all the garlic bread in the world flew through her window and into the portal.
“Wow.” The shadowy being said. “I can't believe you did it. You are a fascinating 3rd dimensional being.”
“Uhhhh…. Thank you?” Ash replied. Another very awkward hour later, all the garlic bread in the world had disappeared.
“You’ll find that you’ll have purchased your desired house tomorrow, legally of course.” The shadowy being promised.
“YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Thank you!” Ash exclaimed. The shadowy being faded into thin air. Ash paced around the kitchen. She didn't want to tell anyone because it would probably expose her shenanigans but she just couldn't contain herself.
“Asphalt! Concrete! We’re going to move into our house tomorrow!” Ash squealed. “Aren't you excited?” She called the moving company and got them to help her for a couple thousand euros. A week later, Ash was all moved in and very comfortable. But it was almost the night of the hang out with Giorgia, so of course Ash needed to get ready, so she put on her best suit. Giorgia loved a pretty girl in a suit. But then, there was a knock on the door. Ash answered it and saw Pope Leo standing at her door.
“I know what you did.” He growled.
“What do you mean?” Ash exclaimed incredulously. Nobody could have possibly figured out her true plan. Although somebody probably would have noticed all that garlic bread flying through her window. But her plan was fool-proof.
“I was going to have some garlic bread but it flew away! I traced its location and found it here last!”
Ash gasped. The only people who could track garlic bread were aspec council members. And someone has to be asexual, aromantic, or some combo of the two to join.
“You're asexual?!” Ash exclaimed.
“Well yeah!” Pope Leo huffed. “But focus! Which eltrich horror did you summon?!?!”
“I didn't summon anything!” Ash lied, taking a step back. Pope Leo drew a longsword from his pope robes. The sword was long, sturdy and shiny, etched with the colors of the ace flag.
“You couldn't have possibly stored all the garlic bread in the world in your house. The eltrich horror you summoned must have taken it.” Ash grabbed her regular sword, which was not as cool as The Pope’s sword.
“You're not welcome here.” Ash retorted. “And I left the Catholic church a long time ago. Fight me, I dare you.”
“You dare to fight the pope?” Pope Leo laughed.
“Yeah!” Ash lunged for Pope Leo but he swiftly dodged and started swiping his sword. The two fought hard. Pope Leo struck rarely, but swiftly, and Ash blocked each strike. Sweat dripped down their brows, and screeches filled the room.
“You are fallible!” Ash exclaimed. Pope Leo dodged once more, then tripped Ash. Her sword clattered to the ground, just out of reach. She called for Asphalt and Concrete to come to her aid, but they were hiding, as usual.
“Heretic.” He said quietly, pinning Ash with his foot. Suddenly, Daniel burst through the front door, welding two epic broadswords. He was wearing fursuit paws and gloves, but the rest of it was not there, as if he’d put it on in a hurry.
“What the fuck is going on?” Daniel exclaimed.
“LEO?!?” Pope Leo turned around, his foot still pinning Ash down.
“DANIEL?” Pope Leo exclaimed. “Or should I say Pipe Lord?” Ash couldn't comprehend this right now. There was no way Pipe Lord was actually Daniel. Ash blinked, and Daniel was still there, glaring at Pope Leo.
“Let go of Ash!” Daniel demanded, rolling up his sleeves. “Unless you want to fight me.”
“SHE STOLE ALL THE GARLIC BREAD IN THE WORLD!” Pope Leo screamed. “It is a crime against humanity!!!”
“WELL YOUR STUPID ASEXUAL COUNCIL WAS GOING TO INVADE DENMARK!!! HER SCHEME DELAYED THEIR PLANS AND HAVE SAVED DENMARK!!!” Daniel retorted. Ash tried to grab her sword again, but could hardly move her arms. Oxygen was harder and harder to breathe in. She felt one of her ribs snap.
“YOU'RE JUST ACEPHOBIC!!” Pope Leo taunted.
“I AM NOT!” Daniel screamed. “I AM ASEXUAL MYSELF! I AM OPPOSED TO THE ASEXUAL COUNCIL’S EVIL PLAN THOUGH!” He flung himself at Pope Leo. Their swords clashed and clanged. Ash could now get up, and so she did. But she felt a stabbing pain in her side, presumably from the broken rib. Daniel and Ash ganged up on Pope Leo, but Ash was not as quick as she was prior. He dashed and dodged, inadvertently slicing and dicing Ash’s furniture. As he partied Daniel's strike and lunged for Ash, he stabbed a particularly big hole in her couch.
“HEY! THAT WAS AT LIKE 1000 EUROS!” Ash screeched. She swung at Pope Leo in retaliation, lurching back from the pain. He barely dodged the strike and a streak of red ended up on his robes. Suddenly, Sarah Mullally, Archbishop of Canterbury of The Church of England burst in through Ash’s window.
“You two are fucking paying for all this damage!” Ash screeched.
“Leo!” Sarah exclaimed. “I received your distress signal.” She took in what was happening, and immediately drew her sword. Daniel took this opportunity to attack her. Sarah fought back furiously. Ash screeched and lunged for Pope Leo. They fought even more, and metal clashed against metal, as Daniel and Ash slowly found themselves losing the battle. Pope Leo and Sarah Mullally had cornered the two. Sarah took Ash’s and Daniel’s weapons.
“Give up.” Pope Leo laughed. “There's no way for you to escape. You’ll have to return the garlic bread and whatever you exchanged it for.” Ash looked at Daniel. She still couldn't believe that Daniel was the legendary Pipe Lord, figurehead of the DEFEND squad, who had stopped The Asexual Council multiple times.
“Fine.” Ash spat. “I’ll reverse the deal.”
“ASH!” Daniel exclaimed. “There has to be another way.” Ash shook her head. She knew she had to back down. She could barely focus.
“HEY SHADOWY BEING!” She yelled somberly. The shadowy being teleported onto the scene, very confused about what was going on. Pope Leo turned to the being.
“All right you jerk.” Pope Leo growled. “I need you to reverse the deal that you made with Ash. The world is going nuts because all the garlic bread is gone.”
“Hmmm…” The shadowy being replied. “No.”
“Listen here you little bitch.” Sarah said coldly. “This is not a request. Do what we say or face our wrath.”
“I am the Pope for Pete's sake!” Pope Leo growled. “You will do what I say.”
“Sorry Mr. Pope sir.” The shadowy being said. “I don't believe in papal infallibility. In fact, I’m an atheist.” Pope Leo sighed deeply.
“God, please give me the patience to deal with this shadowy being.” He whispered.
“Shadowy being, please reverse the deal.” Ash begged. “I don't want the secret war to spread to the fourth dimension.” The shadowy being sighed. “Fine.” It spat. “I’ll rewind time by a few days, on the condition that Ash gets to keep her new-found house without consequence.” Pope Leo and Sarah looked at each other, then at the shadowy being.
“Fine.” Pope Leo sighed. The two shook hands and time slowly began to rewind. Ash, Daniel, Pope Leo, and Sarah stood there awkwardly. A few minutes later, the world had reverted to a few days before. The four still had their memories though.
“I’m glad you did the right things.” Pope Leo sneered. Sarah nodded in agreement.
“I’ll be taking your swords, and your steal-everythinginator.” She added. The two grabbed those things, punched a hole in the wall, and walked away.
“YOU BITCHES BETTER PAY FOR THE DAMAGE OR I’LL SUE YOUR ASSES TO OBLIVION!” Ash screamed. Pope Leo looked behind him and tossed a bunch of euros in a bag onto Ash’s porch. Ash begrudgingly took it inside.
“This is just great!” Daniel sighed. “This is a huge setback for the DEFEND squad. And for what? Because you wanted a fucking house?”
“In my defense,” Ash retorted “Have you seen the housing market these days?”
“Oh my god!” Daniel groaned. “Ash, you're my friend but you are such a pain in the ass. Can you please join DEFEND and at the very least put your assholery to good use. I swear you’ll end up in a good position.” Ash knew she was between a rock and a hard place. Between the vanilla extract incident and this new incident, The Asexual Council would definitely be out for vengeance. But she saw what the secret organization life did to people. She saw it in her sister, in Daniel, in Raven.
“I- fine. I’ll officially join” Ash spat. “But can you please help me call up the repair people? And also take me to the emergency room?” Ash was covered in blood from the various wounds from battle. She could barely stand. Daniel had a huge gnash across his chest.
“Oh shit.” He remarked. “We should probably get both of us to the emergency room.” Ash leaned on Daniel as he rushed the both of them to his car to drive to the nearest emergency room. The Asexual Council may have won this battle, but the war had only just begun.