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A biological connection I don't yet feel.
That was their natural assumption after being taken in by the Maltos, along with Hashtag and Jawbreaker.
Nightshade had been chivalrous since day one, even from the second they were created from the Emberstone...they had happily volunteered with their other newborn siblings to help rescue Mo and Robby's Mother. However nerve-racking it had been on their freshly awakened spark.
A lot had happened after that eventual...and chaotic day. A lot to process for a new terran.
But out of numerous new things that needed examining, one thing that confused them was how quickly Hashtag and Jawbreaker adopted Dot and Alex as parental figures. Didn't they barely know these humans?
Of course...they weren't the most overly affectionate being, but Dot's hugs did appeal greatly to them, just as much to their other siblings. And Alex lent them books...the most wonderful of human creations. They also had felt a deep connection to Mo and Robby the moment they had been born, via the cybersleeves. Mo herself had helped them with their pronouns.
But regardless...they could not find themselves to call Dot or Alex Mom and Dad.
Twitch and Thrash did it all the time, second nature in all regards. Hashtag and Jawbreaker did so just as easily. Mo and Robby...well...they were biologically related to their birth parents, obviously.
So why couldn't they?
Everyone sunk into the family circle, knit together like a fuzzy sweater...and they were a loose thread.
But they just couldn't find themselves identifying them in that way yet. They did adore the two humans who so graciously took them in as one of their own, called them their child without a second thought. Even if that did seem a little pointless to Nightshade, seeing how they were in fact a bio organic being and not human.
They studied the unique problem through the lenses of an outsider. Humans are mammals, emotional creatures, often bonding to their mothers at a very young age, usually from birth. These strong maternal roles would solidify throughout being an adolescent, into teenage years. And beyond into adulthood if the connection remained healthy.
Terrans were not born as helpless babies however.
They could think on their own, feel emotions, read, build complexities beyond the comprehension of adolescent humans. And yet, Dot and Alex still considered them their child, or at least something that was youthful in that regard.
Nightshade liked considering themselves as someone mature, tending to speak with flourish in comparison to their siblings or have interests in more educational things.
And yet, whenever Dot caught them alone, reading to themselves, or trying to convince Hashtag that creating endless smart trainers was indeed considered fun to them, they would catch that look in her eyes. Motherly, maternal in a protective nature. As if they were indeed a helpless, squirming, thing instead of a grown terran.
They simply couldn't fathom why.
Yes they helped save her from Mandroid. But her gaze held more then gratitude.
Were they supposed to feel this connection she seemed to wholeheartedly believe in?
Sure, they felt warm when Mo hugged their leg, excited when Hashtag shared something with them, concerned when Thrash demonstrated something reckless with his alt mode.
Not this biological instinct to connect to a maternal figure. Not like a human child, no need to hold on, to cling, to feed.
Not quite what they were witnessing with their siblings.
They could understand Twitch and Thrash. The twins had been around for months before they came along. A natural bond could have developed in that time.
Hashtag and Jawbreaker however.
Jawbreaker was an easier case. He wasn't exactly overly clingy, but he was affectionate. He soaked up their adopted parent's attention like a flower and tenfold radiated like a sunbeam.
Hashtag seemed to think having parents was simply cool. She wasn't bothered by the complexities Nightshade was bothering themselves with.
Sometimes they asked her to explain how she felt, she could only ever reply with a shrug.
"It feels natural," she would smile.
So were they experiencing something unnatural?
Was it their fault?
They could only steal a sentence from their sister's human vocabulary...
"Perhaps it is...too soon,"
Yes. Too soon.
They should be allowed to wait for feelings and emotion to slowly grow. And if it didn't...well...maybe they could worry about that later on.
Even if telling Alex and Dot that seemed to make them deflate a little when they told them that.
They had paused afterwards, weren't they explaining it perfectly? If there was no biological connection, then perhaps waiting would be the best option.
Dot had nodded regardless, told them that she understood. That they would be given time to 'feel it out' as she had put it.
Perhaps that is what they shall do, feel it out.
Meeting Tarantulas was the closest they thought they'd ever feel for a parental figure, or at least someone who understood them. In their excitement in meeting someone like them, someone interested in science, a subject that fascinated them to no end, their family life had become stifled.
They disappeared on afternoons, missing family game night a few times. Skipping 'good mornings'.
Thrash seemed to notice, he had made multiple attempts to get to know them better, seeing it as his duty as the 'older sibling'. Even if their personalities were as different as day and night. A few times they recalled walking home in the evenings from the graveyard with their brother ready to confront them, concerned they weren't having fun with him or the others.
Even if they did always assure him they were fine, and hanging out with their 'fellow scientist'.
What was the harm in it? The genuinely enjoyed Tarantulas's company and the knowledge he had to offer. They had always had felt like a little bit of an outsider regardless, not taking much notice in Dot's lingering gaze when their helm disappeared into the woods, or the heartache both of their adopted parents were secretly holding.
Believing that they had somehow failed Nightshade in some regard, even if Nightshade themselves at the moment in fact, was the happiest they'd been in a while.
Until Tarantulas kidnapped Dot and Alex.
The sting of betrayal and confusion had only been overshadowed by overwhelming alarm as they ran away from their confused siblings and Bumblebee.
Their voice had cracked in anger, a rare emotion for them when Tarantulas explained he was going to erase both of their memories. All because he believed they were plotting against Nightshade, which they knew was not true.
It couldn't be, all this time spending away from family...Tarantulas had believed that they didn't want to be Dot or Alex's adopted child at all...no...he believed they were a prisoner in their own home. '
If only he would understand or listen.
Why oh why did they tell him they had obligations in Witwicky, why didn't they just tell them they had a family, even if they had yet to connect to their parents.
Convincing him that these small, flesh creatures were indeed kin was challenging.
To the point trying to convince him otherwise led to trying to escape with their parents in two...to being thrown to the ground, tangled in bio mechanic silk that stuck uncomfortably to their soft plating.
They had struggled, gangly limbs unable to move from the awkward position they were in as they were forced to watch someone they considered a friend raise that device...it sent a cold splash of fear down their spinal struts.
Then Dot's voice echoing in their audial, believing these would be her last words before she forgot them.
"We love you,"
No...
They had struggled again, harder now in their desperation. Perhaps finally realizing this harsh tug at their spark towards these two humans was how they always felt inside, but had never realized it.
They had been slower to realize, slower to develop...but Dot and Alex were their parents and they weren't about to let this happen to either of them.
"Mom! Dad!" they had shrilled, giving Tarantulas a minor pause as they spoke those words for the first time.
The rest was a blur...
They truly never meant to hurdle themselves at Tarantulas so harshly after scanning the gravestone. But the only things that repeated over and over in their processor was get him away from them.
Barely had they time to even process their new alt mode, only that it felt perfect when their wings beat in the air and their claws scrabbled against his many limbs as they tussled.
It had been enough.
By the time they came back to their senses, he was exhausted...their tech was broken.
They had felt immediate regret when they transformed, optics downcast as they leaned back. All their hard work...
Teal replacing where soft grey used to sit. Their sharper helm and larger optics turning as they searched for their parents. They finally spotted them, fine...along with their siblings and Bumblebee. When did they get here?
They could question that later.
They stood frozen for a moment, faintly registering Hashtag's excited compliments regarding their new frame, Dot's relieved smile, Bumblebee eyeing Tarantulas with a grimace.
No their optics locked on Dot and Alex first, shoulders crumpling as they staggered forward, this had been far from their first fight, and yet it had felt like the hardest.
"I'm so, soo sorry Mom," the words escaped them before they could even reach the others, still half way between them and the predacon who was now sitting up, shaking his helm as he stared after them. Clearly conflicted now, confused even.
Sorry I haven't been able to say those words until now. That it took this long.
Dot only shook her head, still leaning on Alex.
"It's not your fault baby, Tarantulas-"
"It is my fault," they protested, interrupted her, quickly turning to stop Bee before he could raise his blaster "Tarantulas didn't know you are my parents, because I never told him,"
They hung their helm. They could feel their sibling exchanging glances, what?
"He was only trying to protect me," they pleaded again, Bee's expression now hesitant "...he deserves a second chance for my ignorance..."
They felt there was so much more they wanted to say, to apologize for leaving for hours, to explain how left out they felt...
But they could only hopefully watch Dot and Alex exchange glances...listen to Bee slowly lower his blaster as G.H.O.S.T helicopters buzzed in the distance...
They slowly nodded, yes...Tarantulas would be given a second chance.
Nightshade sighed in relief, even as Hashtag announced that they were surrounded...even when Tarantulas volunteered to lead G.H.O.S.T away...it stung to think they may never see him again.
But their parents were safe now...and they were still with their family, one they took a little for granted until now.
Perhaps, sometimes, you only understood connection when it was threatened to be taken from you.