Chapter Text
The more he thinks about it, Varian’s staring to think he has no fucking clue on how to be a real person.
Not like he’s a fraud, or the sense that he’s not really in his body. He totally feels present!Just… lacking certain things. Things that supposedly make people “real.”
For one, he doesn’t really get romance. Sure, he had that awkward crush-thing on Cassandra (Varian still mentally face-palms whenever he thinks about it), but that's the closest he’s ever gotten. And… in retrospect, that might have just been a serious… infatuation? Cassandra’s great, really. Level-headed, funny, and really snarky. Which is kinda how he felt about Flynn Rider—the book character, not his totally-not-brother.
And secondly, aside from romance, he doesn’t really get what it means when people, like… know who they are. Who is he? Well… Varian. Duh. He knows his name, that he likes alchemy, but other than that? Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Everyone else seems to have these feelings about themselves. They know their goals, principles…They have it all figured out in a way that Varian doesn’t get. Just being Varian isn’t enough, apparently.
And that also means that other people don’t “get” Varian. Don’t get him wrong, he knows his friends and family love him, but… do you ever get the sense that others can tell that there’s something off about you? Like you’re an automaton? And they can tell that you’re not fully right, or all there?
That about sums it up perfectly. Whenever he goes home, even after he’s around the people he cares about more than anything else in the world, he’s still… different from everybody else. There’s something “off” in him, and everyone can tell.
But those feelings are illogical. They have to be, right?
Logically, Varian knows that he’s real. He knows that if his friends like him, he’s probably enough of a person. He knows this, but he still feels all wrong. What are feelings anyway? The more you think about it, the more confusing, frustrating, and downright irrational—
BOOM.
Coughing up smoke, Varian glances down at his desk. That desk that used to be neat and organized (or as organized as the young alchemist gets, which isn’t saying much) and now has scattered papers and dirt all around, as well as broken glass.
The broken glass that used to be the vials he was just working with, which have shattered completely. On top of this, he’s not only surrounded by the resulting smoke, but by its dizzying smell as well. Good thing his teal goggles don’t allow for any smoke to touch his eyes, or he’s sure he’d be tearing up by now.
Ah, just great, guess I overdid it on the Quirineon. He thinks to himself. Maybe now would be a good time to take a break…
Sighing and standing up, he hears Ruddiger approach. His black, white, and adorably chubby raccoon—with his own custom-made goggles, of course— promptly scampers up the black-haired boy to rest on his shoulders.
“Yeah, yeah, bud, I get it,” he says, laughing lightly and backing away from the glass. Getting a broom and dustpan to discard the shards, he begins sweeping and throws the now-useless vials’ remains in the trash.
Varian smiles sadly as he looks around his royal alchemy lab, remembering everything it took to get to this point in his life. He should be happy, right? He is happy, so why does he feel so small?
Eugene snickers, interrupting his thoughts, “Probably because you’re still, what? 5 foot negative 2?”
Turning around, the alchemist rolls his eyes playfully at his older-brother figure. “How long have you just been standing there, Flynn?”
“Long enough to see you A: mope your way into a chemical explosion, and B: hear you talk to yourself about ‘feeling small’ and how you’re not happy. You alright there, Varitas?”
“Oh– oh! Yeah, I’m fine, Flynn. Really, I am. Well, not so much now that I know I supposedly talk to myself without meaning to? But other than that, I should be fine—I am fine.” Varian looks away on that last part, laughing awkwardly. Working for his newfound family, using alchemy almost 24/7, has been a dream. A dream he doubts he deserves considering… the amber incidents—yes, plural—as he’s come to call them.
The Captain of the royal guards quirks an eyebrow up in disbelief. He walks over to a nearby empty bench in the lab and gestures for Varian to sit with him.
After sitting, Varian slouches, his face hot with embarrassment, so to avoid eye contact with Eugene, he starts petting Ruddiger, who’s decided to take up residence on his lap for the time being.
“Listen, kid… I know that these past few years have been… not easy. You’ve grown a lot from that very… hyper kid I met all those years ago, to the mature person I know and care for. You’ve ‘accomplished’ your dreams. You’re supposed to be happier than you ever thought you’d be, right?”
Varian nods, and Eugene continues, “But after a while, you grow up. Your old dreams are all fine and dandy, but they’re the dreams of a younger you. A you who didn’t know or feel the things you feel now. It can definitely… feel unpleasant, but do you want me to let you in on a secret?”
Before Varian can get a word in, Eugene finishes his statement, smiling, “There’s a bright side. You get to find a new dream. A dream for an older and newer you.”
Varian glances sideways at Eugene, the other half of Team Awesome who’s always had his back. “A new dream?” he says with mild disbelief.
“That’s right. What have you always wanted but never got to realize? What have you been missing recently?”
Glancing back at Ruddiger, Varian hesitates, but answers. “Well– I just… It feels like I’m stuck. I don’t know who I am outside of alchemy… outside of everything I did in my past. It’s like I’m not even real.” Looking up at Eugene, he continues.
“Like… you, and Rapunzel… you guys are so real. I’m not even sure how to explain it. You guys are so easily yourselves. For Sun’s sake, even my dad knows what it means to ‘be’ a person. I’ve been so caught up in trying to apologize for everything I’ve done, for existing… even before the amber incidents, that I haven’t been myself. Everything just feels so… stale.”
“How would you go about knowing yourself?”
“I mean, the only person I’ve really felt would get me is someone I know nothing about… My mom—Ulla. Dad says she passed away when I was little, but apparently I got my interest in alchemy from her. Whenever he talks about her, she sounds just like me, really. Even down to her… quirks”
“Quirks?”
“Yeah, quirks. I’ve always been a little different than everyone else. Especially Dad. Even different than you and Rapunzel. It feels like there’s something inside me that’s keeping me from being ‘normal.’ I chalked it up to residual feelings after my dad—” Varian clears his throat, trying to swallow the lump in it, “but it’s been like this since birth, really… I’ve always been wrong.”
“Huh.” There was a moment of silence. A pretty long one, at that. The quiet seemingly reverberates off the laboratory’s walls. Not sure what to say, Varian begins to wonder if he did something wrong—what he did wrong. He should’ve remembered no one wants to hear him complain after what he did, after all. Before he could spiral further, however, Eugene continued.
“Well, kid, I know this probably won’t fix that feeling, but you’ve got a lot of people here who love you. No matter how odd or different you feel, we’re here for you.” The ex-criminal-turned-captain ruffles Varian's hair and gives him a brief side hug. “And it sounds to me like you might wanna go ask your dad about this mother of yours. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find your new dream after hearing about hers.”
“Maybe you’re right, Flynn…” And taking a look around at his lab, the dreams of a younger him, Varian nods. Maybe a change of pace would be good for him.