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He wakes up and slams his hand over his phone only to knock over a lamp. He’s not in his apartment, so the brief moment of confusion settles as he thanks whatever god is out there that the lamp and bedside table in his old bedroom are both made of metal as he fumbles to right the furniture while still grabbing for his phone, groaning and swearing that his younger self never actually did move the bed closer to the outlet.
Tavros Nitram is 20 years of age and it is winter break. He grins as he registers the snoring next to him as his older brother sleeping like the dead after picking him up from the airport.
Rufioh hardly feels the push, however the swear and glare as his head pokes up from the side of the bed he fell off of show he in no way is going to buy that he fell on his own.
"That is so not cool, dog!"
"Not sure what you are, referring to," Tavros grins, wiping eye crusties away with the back of his hand. A grumble and a finger are all he gets before his brother is up and stretching, grin growing as mom’s cooking wafts through the room.
"Shit dude we need to, get down there stat," Rufioh says while scrambling into his pants.
A strange look is all Tavros manages, to which Rufioh merely rolls his eyes.
"No offense little brother dear, but I wasn’t in here because, I missed getting kicked like, when we were kids." A brief pause as he slips on a shirt from his own suitcase. “Grandma is visiting, and with her comes, the neighborhood, you know."
That gets a response. Biting down hard to ignore the twinge from moving his leg too fast Tavros sits up, eyes making a quick scan and another wince as he lands harder than he meant to on his knees to get his own clothes out of his suitcase.
Tavros runs, shorts still not fully buttoned and shirt thrown over his shoulder trying to catch up and overtake his brother. He stops momentarily, a sudden grimace and reflex at the top of the stairs before gripping the handle and forcing a smile as he moves quickly, holding tight to the railing.
The boys are still the first down, sitting eagerly even while their mother scolds Rufioh for encouraging Tavros to run on his weak leg. Another grimace and forced smile, pushing it to the back of his mind. The food has more to cook and before the boys can attempt to bail for cartoons they are put to the task of fetching potatoes and peppers, the hash browns a must since the family is all together.
The pit, the dark gut feeling that’s been lingering on the edges since he returned home grows but he just nods and kisses his mothers cheek before following his brother to his truck.
Some things never change. Rufioh begins blasting his usual repertoire of anime intro themes while the boys drive and pick up where they left off when they fell asleep the night before. The conversation grows quiet and Tavros smiles, looking out the window. Fond memories of walking here or shopping there or that time he scraped his knee there and how Rufioh had carried him back and how he’s had to help Rufioh sneak away from the Zahhak house unnoticed and how he’s found out Equius was truly terrible at Pokemon but did in fact own a very impressive collection of Ponyta figurines. He wondered if he should stop by or if they even still lived there.
He saw the park where he’d first seen Gamzee high as a kite and how funny it was to watch his friend roll in the grass and laugh because they were “kissing him" and that he wasn’t sure he was up to breaking their hearts. He’d have to remind him of that next time he stopped at the bakery Gamzee now worked at.
There were less pleasant memories too, like the middle school where he’d been alone since Gamzee had been expelled. He’d tried to make friends, he could remember playing silly role-playing games with Nepeta and Aradia, and having a sort of friendship.
But mostly he could just remember her.
He could remember walking here and there with her. Listening to her and agreeing with her. He could remember how he had bought it, hook line and sinker that they were friends.
He could remember how she had laughed at him, how she had told him that he was talented at the same time she told him he wouldn’t amount to anything. That he was like her, and not smart enough to do anything. She would call him smart and say he lacked street smarts or common sense. Tell him how his interests where for children then fake an interest in them depending on the week. He could remember how she would punch his arm, the bruises, the “playful" beatings when he would disagree with her.
He shook his head to clear his thoughts, fingers snapping in front of his face and a raised eyebrow, “you coming dog?"
"Huh? Oh, yes."
Finger nails digging into his palm before he rounded the car Tavros brought back his grin, “was just thinking, remember that time, with the Zahhaks?"
"Oh man, don’t remind me." Rufioh laughed, his shoulders tensing slightly as he looked around, “speaking of, you don’t see them around, do you?"
"No, I’d tell you… probably."
Rufioh merely flipped him off again before they snagged a cart.
It was eerie how well both of them remembered the layout of the store, though probably not that surprising. Potatoes and orange cream soda as well as a rather large bag of peppers sat in the cart while the boys waited in the self check out lane, talking about this and that. It wasn’t until Rufioh stepped outside to take a call from their mom, probably a few more items needing to be added to the list, that Tavros had a moment to really look around him.
He wished he didn’t.
For a moment his chest ached, his breathing stopped, even as his mind processed that the girl two lanes over was too short and much too curvy to be Vriska, the flash of dice earrings making his insides turn.
His knuckles white as he scrunched his eyes, trying to keep calm until Rufioh returned, off the phone and added item in hand.
"I need the keys."
"What?"
"I… I um, I need to call a, friend. I said I’d, check in and, they are probably worried so. I am going, to go wait in the car. I mean, we are next anyway."
With an odd look and an “ok, sure" Rufioh handed over the truck keys.
Tavros may likely have never moved so fast in his life, the sound of a bike engine making him duck and hide his face, heart racing harder in his chest.
He barely made it to the car, shaking fingers fumbling with the keys, opening the door only enough to sit down and dry heave, hidden by the car, a bush and the door.
"Please, not now."
Fingers fumbling, sending texts to his few friends, messages that didn’t say anything about what was wrong, just needing conversation, needing something to pull him out of here.
He felt like he was drowning. The air was thick and thin all at once and frustration and anger so much fucking anger it boiled and then ran away scared because he had no right to be.
He let her in. He let her do what she did and said nothing, so it must be his fault, his own weakness let her do those things. He wasn’t defenseless, he could fight and knew how to do it well. So why hadn’t he stopped her?
He was worthless.
Useless.
Weak.
Desperate to have something, some form of attention he allowed the worst kind of scorpion into his nest and tried to give it kindness or at least an offering of friendship and accepted the poison in return.
He could feel her hands on his skin, the bruises, the teeth marks, the slime of her on his lips all his fault.
He had let her.
NO
NO SHE DIDN’T LISTEN
SHE JUSTIFIED
because she is right
NO I –
The world grew dim and the choking stopped, an almost numb settling in his bones as his brother came to the car, “you get a hold of your, friend?"
"No, but… I left a message."
"I’m sure they’ll call back, oh hey, guess who’s coming, to dinner?"
There was no fear, no nothing, a sort of dull haze had swallowed him up as he kept his smile on while Rufioh talked.
"Serket, she said she missed you and she get’s along well with the, little ones."
No fear, no anxiety, not even anger. Nothing, a calm pool of empty waters. No fish swimming below the surface and no life to speak of above it.
"Great, can’t wait to see her."