Work Text:
incipere.
The first time Ronan shows up at the church is on a murky Wednesday night. Adam had just gotten back from a double shift at the garage and he’s covered in sweat and grime and his skin feels sticky and all he wants is a shower but he’s got a history assignment due first thing in the morning and if he doesn’t start now, he’ll just end up falling asleep. His shirt sticks to him uncomfortably, and he’s hunched over by his desk trying to finish a paragraph about the negative effects of the civil war when there’s a knock at his door. He gets up slowly, muscles sore from having to crouch underneath heavy cars the entire afternoon, and makes his way towards the door. He knows it’s not Gansey because Gansey only comes here when it’s midnight and his nerves are on edge or when he thinks Adam is hiding something from him. And as of late, Gansey has been less anxious and more secretive and Adam suspects that it has something to do with Blue but he doesn’t want to think about it. He has enough on his mind.
When he opens the door, he’s greeted to Ronan leaning against the wall, glaring at him. Adam knows now, after a year of being around Ronan, that he’s not angry or upset, but that that’s merely his resting facial expression. He’s wearing his leather jacket and black jeans and he looks like the poster boy for spoilt rich teenager going through their years of rebellion and Adam is very tempted to close the door in his face and head to bed.
“You look like shit,” are the first words out of Ronan’s mouth and Adam purses his lips, then relaxes them and then glares at Ronan.
“What do you want?” he asks, and Ronan looks at him carefully before he shrugs. He knows that him and Ronan are friends, although it did take a while for Ronan to not glare daggers at him every time he was with Gansey. Adam knew that he was intruding on years of friendship that had been built up between Ronan and Gansey when he first befriended them, but Gansey was nice to him, genuinely so, and Adam needed something nice for once.
“I was bored,” Ronan says and his expression is guarded. His shoulders are stiff and he stands straight now, almost like he’s shielding himself from something. “Thought I’d come say hello.”
Adam knows his second sentence is mocking, he can tell by the lilt of Ronan’s voice when he says hello, but it’s still odd. The two of them don’t spend a lot of time together without Gansey unless it happens by chance so something twists in Adam’s gut at the thought of Ronan seeking him out.
“Well I’m doing homework,” Adam says and he regrets it as soon as he says it because Ronan’s expression goes from guarded to stony and there’s a very great distinction between the two.
“Right. I’ll fuck off then,” Ronan says, his voice low and cold.
“I didn’t say you had to go,” Adam says and Ronan snorts derisively and Adam feels a twinge of annoyance flare up.
“No, but you’re doing homework. I would hate to disturb you from that,” Ronan responds and the twinge of annoyance grows bigger.
“I’m sorry that I give a damn about school, Lynch. Some of us have to since we can’t dream up everything,” Adam says and Ronan looks at him sharply. Adam knows what he has said is nasty and cruel and he doesn’t even know why he said it but it’s too late to take the words back now, so he watches as Ronan retreats away from the door and down into the church. Adam shuts the door behind him, and moves back to his desk. Slumping into his chair, he picks up his pen and continues working on his assignment, although his mind is far away.
***
He sees Ronan the next day, not at school but after. School was a blur of latin and math and more math and history and Adam’s head is still swimming with derivatives and integrals when he walks into Nino’s. He spots Gansey immediately, looking impeccable as always. It used to leave Adam mystified, how Gansey always looked so very Gansey-like with his hair always neat and his uniform shirt always tucked in and his glasses never askew and if it hadn’t been for the nights where Gansey would show up at the church, hair mussed up and wearing pyjama bottoms and a sweatshirt that looked almost as old as the boy wearing it, Adam would have assumed that Gansey was always perfectly in control of everything. He spots Ronan as well, slumping against the window and watching Blue and Gansey talk about whatever it is they’re talking about with an expression akin to that of amusement. He manoeuvres his way towards the booth, passing by a group of Aglionby boys who are at most in the ninth grade, and Adam tries and fails to remember what he was like in the ninth grade.
“I haven’t had any yoghurt in three days,” Blue says as Adam slides in next to Ronan. Ronan snorts, probably about to make a smarmy comment when Gansey looks at him sharply.
Noah appears suddenly, on Gansey's other side, head leaning against the window. He looks smudgy but bright, and he's got a big grin on his face. Ronan raises an eyebrow at him but Noah doesn't speak, merely smiles brighter and something in Ronan's expression softens and his mouth pulls up in a half-smile.
“How have you been getting nourishment?” Adam asks, and through his peripheral vision, he sees Ronan’s mouth twitch in amusement and Adam is relieved that he’s not angry at him.
Blue rolls her eyes. “You make jokes now, but if I die from starvation, all of you would be upset. Even you, Ronan. Also, hi Noah.”
Noah looks a Blue warmly and she looks at Noah warmly, and Adam feels something warm in his chest bloom.
“I don’t think you can die from a lack of yoghurt. Even elves can survive that, I’ve heard,” Ronan says but he doesn’t deny the fact that he would be upset if Blue did in fact, pass away because of an absence of said dairy and Blue picks up on that because she whoops, completely ignoring the jibe about her height before she’s being called back to the cash register. Adam watches Gansey watch Blue leave; watches the small smile on his face and the slight flush of his cheeks and he wonders if Gansey knows how bad he is at hiding his feelings.
"I have to go," Noah says abruptly and Ronan, once again, raises an eyebrow at him. Noah shrugs. "Just wanted to check in on all of you."
Gansey gives him a brilliant smile, mouth soft and eyes bright; a smile which Noah returns. Adam watches as he disappears, not before he pointedly looks at Adam and winks and Adam is confused but also knows that this is Noah, who is vague and odd and smudgy so he doesn't think much of it, merely smiling back. A genuine smile.
Ronan clears his throat, and Adam snaps his head away from where Noah was, shifting to glance at Ronan. Ronan isn’t looking at him though, instead watching Gansey with a small smirk on his lips.
“Dick, you forgot to order,” Ronan says and Gansey snaps his head towards Ronan, clearing his throat.
“Right. I’ll go to the front and do that. Burgers, right?” Gansey asks and Adam nods. Ronan doesn’t bother replying, turning to look out the window. When Gansey’s gone, Adam opens his mouth, ready to apologise for being a dick the day before but Ronan is already speaking.
“He’s probably over there looking at Blue with heart eyes,” Ronan says, nose scrunching up in distaste. Adam nods, unsure of what to say.
“I didn’t uh,” Ronan starts, suddenly looking like he said something he shouldn’t have. “You’re over her right?”
Adam looks at Ronan carefully, again unsure of what to say. Ronan very rarely sounds unsure; he’s always confident and cocky and snarky which is one of the reasons Adam found him unsettling at first. They also, have almost never talked about the thing that him and Blue had. It never came up, not even in the form of inappropriate jokes or jibes, which thinking about it now, was sort of odd. But Adam lets Ronan’s question float around in his mind for a handful of seconds. He doesn’t know if he was ever under Blue, to start with. He liked her of course, he still does, but as time passed he wasn’t upset or angry at the idea of them not being BlueAndAdam and instead just being Blue and Adam.
“Yeah, I am,” Adam says after a pregnant pause, voice firm and sure and Ronan nods.
“Thank fuck, because Gansey looks at her like she hung the fucking moon,” Ronan says and Adam snorts.
“How long do you think before he tells us?” Adam asks and Ronan shrugs.
“Gansey is Gansey which means he’ll either wake us up at ass o’clock in the morning and freak out about it while vehemently apologising to you or, he won’t tell us at all,” Ronan answers and Adam nods. Neither of them speak for a while after that and Gansey comes back a couple of minutes later balancing three burgers in one hand and three cans of soda in the other. Adam digs in immediately, suddenly ravenous from all the schoolwork and car-fixing he’s been doing. When he’s done, he takes out his wallet but Gansey, shrugs him off.
“I paid already,” he says and Adam gives him a wary look, one that he hopes says I can take care of myself but Gansey just smiles at him, in such a Gansey-like way that Adam feels a surge of affection for him. He nods instead of arguing, wiping his hands on a napkin. Blue comes over, shooting Adam a small smile.
“Is that all? Do the Raven Boys need a gourmet dessert or something because we’ve got pecan pie,” she mocks as she gathers their plates.
“I’m actually gonna head home, I’ve got a lot of reading to catch up with,” Adam says and Ronan doesn’t snort but Adam knows he wants to. Gansey raises an eyebrow at him as he sets down his soda can.
“How do you have reading to catch up with? You’re the best in all your classes,” Gansey says and Blue looks at him quizzically as well. He can feel Ronan watching him too, and his collar feels tight and he can feel his cheeks flushing.
“I just, have work to do,” Adam says and Blue opens her mouth, presumably to ask a question, but Adam sees Gansey nudge her slightly, so instead, she nods and shoots Adam a reassuring smile. He’s grateful that they let it drop, because really, he just wants to go home and get some sleep since he thankfully, doesn’t have any assignments due tomorrow.
“I’ll drive you there,” Ronan says abruptly and Adam almost gets whiplash from how quickly he turns to look at him. “It’s fine, Parrish. I’m going to the Barns anyways, so it’s all in the same direction.”
“Alright,” Adam agrees and the two of them stand up. Gansey says goodbye and Blue waves at them and Ronan cracks a joke about her height as they move out of the booth and she in turn, cracks a joke about how he dresses like he’s in an emo version of an Ambercrombie and Fitch catalogue which makes Gansey snort and Adam grin and Ronan glares all the way to the car.
The drive to the church isn’t silent because Ronan decides to play his crappy metal music, but it is tense. Ronan grips the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles go white and Adam doesn’t know how to apologise about yesterday without seemingly bringing it up out of the blue and Adam wishes he wasn’t so unsure about Ronan. Sure, he knows Ronan and his mannerisms and how he is, but its things like this that confuse him. Ronan opting to spend time with Adam, with just Adam, isn’t something Adam is used to. Although then again, it could just be because Ronan doesn’t want to third wheel Blue and Gansey and their not-relationship relationship.
When they get to the church, Adam doesn’t just leave the car. He sits in the warm seat, and he can feel Ronan giving him a quizzical look before he turns off the horrible music and clears his throat.
“About yesterday,” Adam starts. “I’m sorry. I was tired and I took it out on you. I didn’t mean it.”
It’s quite for a handful of seconds, which makes Adam’s stomach knot with nerves, before Ronan responds.
“It’s fine, Parrish. Don’t sweat it,” Ronan says easily. Adam nods.
“If you want, you could come up for a bit? We could play video games or something,” Adam says and Ronan is already shaking his head.
“I can’t, I have to go to the Barns,” he excuses and Adam nods again. He opens the door, closes the door and then begins walking to the church entrance without looking back. “Maybe another time.”
Ronan yells it out and Adam turns around, and Ronan smiles at him, an actual real Ronan-like smile that Adam has only ever seen twice, before he’s speeding off. Adam stands there, half stunned and half happy that Ronan and him aren’t fighting, before he shrugs off his coat and heads inside.
***
The second time Ronan shows up at the church is on a Sunday morning, a week later. Adam is fast asleep when there’s a loud knock at his door and he tries ignoring it but whoever it is, is insistent and keeps knocking and Adam is so tempted to tell them to piss off but he realises that it’s a Sunday and he lives above a church so that would be a very ungodly thing to do. When he opens the door, he finds Ronan standing there, except he isn’t in his usual get up of emo Ambercrombie and Fitch model, as Blue would put it. Instead, he’s wearing dress pants and a shirt and Adam is pretty sure he’s standing there with his mouth hanging open.
“Take a picture, Parrish,” Ronan says as he moves past Adam and into the room.
“Of course you can come in, Ronan. Do make yourself at home,” Adam deadpans once he’s gotten over the shock of seeing Ronan in his very un-Ronan like state of dressing. “Why are you dressed that like anyways?”
“It’s a Sunday, Parrish. People usually go to church on Sundays,” Ronan responds although he looks very slightly embarrassed.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t stop you from dressing like a member of a biker gang, Lynch,” Adam says and Ronan smirks.
“Today was a special service. People from all over Virginia were coming, and Matthew asked if I would dress-” Ronan pauses here, trying to think of the correct word.
“Like a normal church-going person?” Adam suggests and Ronan glares at him.
“Fuck off,” Ronan says with no venom in his words. “But yeah, I guess so.”
Adam nods. He’s about to respond when he sees Ronan looking at him, amusement clear in his eyes. He suddenly feels, overwhelmingly underdressed. He’s in his pyjamas which consist of worn out sweatpants and a ratty old t-shirt he’s had for as long as he can remember and he’s also fairly sure his hair is a mess.
“Why are you here, Lynch?” Adam asks and Ronan moves his gaze from Adam’s sweatpants to his face.
“Gansey asked me to pick you up so we could go dig in caves for Glendower,” Ronan says, tone bland and bored. Adam knows Ronan has close to no interest in the whole Glendower thing so he imagines that the only reason he does do it is because of Gansey.
“What caves?” Adam asks and Ronan shrugs.
“As if I’d know. Gansey is picking up Blue and we’re meeting him at Monmouth,” Ronan says and as he says Blue’s name he looks at Adam carefully, as if waiting for him to react to the idea of Blue and Gansey being alone together. Adam nods, before heading towards his desk. He opens a drawer and grabs a sweater and a pair of jeans before heading towards the bathroom.
“I’ll be out in a bit,” he says as he closes the bathroom door and all he gets in response is a grunt.
He showers as quickly as he can, the water only lukewarm which leaves Adam shivering slightly as he towels himself off. He brushes his teeth as he puts on his jeans and runs a hand through his hair, before he leaves the bathroom. Ronan is reading his Latin textbook when he gets out, and Adam has to nudge his foot to get his attention.
“We can go,” Adam says and Ronan nods. Ronan looks at Adam before glancing at his hair, giving it an odd look. Adam, suddenly and oddly enough, feels self-conscious.
“What?” he asks and Ronan shrugs.
“Your hair is standing weird,” Ronan says and Adam is now the one giving him an odd look. He runs a hand through it but evidently, it still doesn’t appease Ronan and Adam feels ridiculous.
“Jesus, Ronan if it bothers you so much, why don’t you fix it?” Adam questions and he isn’t being serious so when he feels a hand, that isn’t his, running through his hair, he freezes. He stands almost completely still as Ronan runs a hand through his fringe, letting it fall to his forehead. Adam watches him carefully. Up this close, he can see the freckle in Ronan’s left eye and the way his eyebrows automatically furrow when he’s concentrating. He's taller than Ronan but Ronan is broader than him, arms muscled where Adam is more lanky so Adam still feels smaller than him. When he’s done, he nods at his work and clears his throat, before he moves to the door. Adam slips into his sneakers and then follows Ronan to his car, still slightly confused as to what just happened. Neither of them speak during the drive to Monmouth.
***
The fifth time Ronan shows up is on a cold Thursday evening and Adam’s nose feels like it might just freeze off. The third time he had come with Gansey and the fourth time had been to pick up a textbook that he had forgotten at school.
School had been awful and Adam had gotten a B on a Chemistry assignment and so he now sits on his bed, going over benzene compounds and their reactions for what feels like the hundredth time. Gansey is at Blue’s working on something about Glendower and Gwenllian and he had asked Adam if he had wanted to come but Adam had declined, mind too worked up over his chemistry grade. He’s writing down the mechanism for an electrophilic addition reaction when there’s a loud knock at his door. Closing his eyes for a second, Adam takes a deep breath, trying to calm his already agitated nerves. He doesn’t have any time to be interrupted, he barely has time to sleep, and he doesn’t feel like talking to the groundskeeper about the plight of the shrubs that surround the church which was something that had actually happened a few nights ago so he’s desperately hoping that whoever it is would leave.
The person knocks again and Adam begrudgingly gets up, off his bed and walks to the door. When he opens it, he’s surprised to see Ronan there which in hindsight shouldn’t surprised him since Ronan had been showing up at this place more and more frequently. This time, he’s in his Aglionby uniform except his collar is loose and his shirt isn’t tucked in. He has his backpack slung across one shoulder and a bag in his other hand and Adam simply raises an eyebrow at him.
“I need to study,” Ronan says. Adam moves to the side and Ronan comes in, dropping his bag on the floor before toeing off his shoes. He drops the brown paper bag on Adam’s bed and turns to look at Adam.
“You can’t do that at Monmouth?” Adam asks and Ronan lets out a derisive laugh.
“I could, but Blue and Gansey are being Blue and Gansey and I can’t deal with it,” he responds and Adam snorts.
“Weren’t they meant to be at 300 Fox Way?” Adam asks and Ronan nods.
“Yes, but apparently Calla and Persephone have special guests ever, who the fuck know what that means? And so they decided to work on the Glendower shit at Monmouth.”
Ronan sounds genuinely irritated which only amuses Adam slightly.
“And you’ve started studying now?” Adam asks and Ronan glares at him.
“You and Dick are always on my case about it so I thought why not,” Ronan explains as he takes off his sweater. He grabs his bag and pulls out a calculus textbook before moving to Adam’s desk.
“What’s in there?” Adam asks pointing to the paper bag.
“Dinner,” Ronan responds before he’s up and at Adam’s bed, opening the bag and handing Adam a burger and fries.
“Ronan,” Adam says warningly and Ronan rolls his eyes.
“It’s a burger and fries, Parrish, not a fucking engagement ring.”
When that response doesn’t seem to appease Adam, Ronan tries again.
“Think of it as payment for me bothering you here, all the time,” Ronan says and Adam still doesn’t take it so Ronan leaves it on the bed before sitting down on the floor, leaning his back against the base that holds the mattress. He unwraps his burger and begins eating, and Adam pauses for a minute before sliding down next to Ronan, and gingerly unwrapping his burger. It’s the first time Ronan has ever mentioned his visits to the church, more specifically to Adam’s room above the church but Adam doesn’t say anything regarding that.
“You don’t have to pay me,” Adam says. “It’s what friends are for.”
It’s probably the first time either of them have admitted out loud that they’re friends, although Adam feels like friends isn’t an adequate enough word to describe it. Ronan makes Adam feel differently to what he feels for Gansey. With Gansey, he’s more open and easy and he’s not worried about hurting his feelings because he knows that no matter what, they’ll always be there for each other. With Ronan, it’s different.
With Ronan, it’s like he sometimes has to walk on eggshells and think about what he says before he says it. With Ronan, he’s sometimes nervous and his hands are clammy and he feels like he did when he was around Blue, except it’s a hundred times stronger which makes him that much more nervous. Sometimes he thinks Ronan feels the same way but Adam is too scared to ask. He’s too scared to break this carefully crafted relationship they have. His thoughts are cut short when Ronan stands up, throwing the greasy wrapping paper into the bin near the door before heading back to the desk. Adam finishes up his food too, heading back to his place on the bed and going over the various reactions of methylbenzene.
***
When Adam wakes up, neck sore and a sheet of paper plastered to his face, he’s confused for a couple of seconds before he realises he’s in his own room. He also remembers that Ronan is there, and when he gets rid of the sheet of paper that sticks to him because he was drooling in his sleep he turns to his desk to find Ronan slumped in the chair, head on the table and eyes closed. He looks at the clock, grumbling when he realises it’s two in the morning. He closes his books, placing them on the floor. He’s putting on a pair of socks when he hears whimpering and then what sounds like crying and his head snaps in the direction of Ronan.
Ronan is still in place, eyes closed except his hands are gripping the armrests of the chair, digging into them so deeply that Adam thinks he might break his finger nails. Adam’s by his side in a second, trying to shake him awake. Ronan has gone pale now, and the veins in his forehead are going blue. Adam is starting to panic; no matter how hard he tries, Ronan isn’t waking up. His chest no longer rises and falls and Adam rushes into the bathroom, shakily filling up a glass of water before moving back towards Ronan. He pours the water on Ronan, letting out a sigh of relief when Ronan jerks awake. They sit silently as Ronan tries to regulate his breathing and when does, he abruptly stands up.
“I should go,” Ronan says and Adam looks at him incredulously.
“Ronan, are you okay?” Adam asks instead and Ronan clenches his jaw.
“I’m fine, I should go,” he says shortly.
“You weren’t breathing, Ronan,” Adam exclaims, suddenly angry. He doesn’t know why he’s angry; perhaps because Ronan’s never told him how bad the night terrors are, or maybe it’s because if Adam wasn’t there to wake him up, Ronan would’ve died and the thought of that leaves Adam shaking.
“How can you just leave after that? And act like nothing happened. You would’ve died, you would’ve-“
He’s cut short by Ronan, voice deathly low and cold.
“I know, Parrish. You’re not my fucking mother, you don’t need to reprimand me. And in case, you haven’t understood yet, I can’t do anything to control them. So yelling at me makes no fucking difference whatsoever.”
Adam knows Ronan now a lot better than he did a couple of months ago. So he knows that this lashing out that Ronan is doing isn’t because he’s a jackass, which he can be, but because he’s terrified and Ronan always pushes people away when he’s scared.
“Ronan,” Adam says softly. “Stay.”
Ronan looks up sharply, eyes narrowed and jaw still clenched.
“I can’t,” he says and he’s picking up his school bag and grabbing his jersey and Adam doesn’t really know how else to stop him and he hopes to God or whatever it is that’s out there watching over them that this doesn’t go badly. He stalks towards Ronan, gripping his arm and forcing him to turn around. When Ronan does, Adam pushes up and grabs Ronan by the neck, pressing their lips together. Ronan is frozen at first, and when Adam pulls back his eyes are wide open and his cheeks are flushed.
“What are you doing Adam?” Ronan asks quietly and Adam feels a knot form in his stomach. Now or never, he thinks to himself.
“What I’ve wanted to do for a while,” Adam says and Ronan is still expressionless.
“That’s fucking cheesy man,” Ronan says and Adam thinks he’s messed it all up for a second, before he feels hands creep up his sides and settle on his waist. Ronan pulls him closer, pressing their mouths more firmly together and, this is good. Ronan’s grip on his waist tightens and Adam presses up against him, until they’re aligned from head to toe. Adam grips Ronan’s shoulders, biting his lip and Ronan makes a sound that’s almost inhuman before he presses Adam against the wall, and pulling back, letting their foreheads touch. He takes a deep breath, lips red and eyes dark and Adam thinks he probably looks the same.
“You’re not just doing this out of pity right? Because if you are, then you can fuck right off, Adam,” Ronan says although he sounds so nervous that Adam would laugh if he wasn’t currently pushed up against the wall with a very serious question looming between the two of them.
“No,” Adam says. “Not out of pity or because I’m trying to get over Blue.”
Ronan opens his mouth to protest, but Adam shushes him.
“I know you’ve been worried about that, I can tell. I don’t like her like that anymore Ronan, I swear,” Adam says and Ronan nods, almost imperceptibly.
“How long?” Ronan asks quietly and Adam shrugs.
“I don’t know. One day you were Ronan, and the next day you were Ronan,” he says truthfully. “You?”
Ronan stiffens at the question, taking a second before he replies.
“A while.”
“Oh come on, that’s all I get? A while? You won’t even tell me?” Adam asks and he can feel Ronan’s chest shake with laughter.
“Fuck no,” Ronan says and that answer is so very Ronan of him that Adam kisses him again. The kiss is meant to be short, but Ronan pushes closer, his hands going to grip Adam’s waist and Adam curls his hands around Ronan’s head, pulling him closer.
“We should sleep,” Adam says when they part for air and Ronan looks unwilling but agrees, pushing away from Adam and ungracefully throwing himself onto the bed.
“Gansey knew,” Ronan says and Adam knows he’s talking about his feelings for him. “I think he even tried to talk to me about it, but I told him to shove it and he looked really relieved and then Blue showed up so he was back to being all starry-eyed and shit.”
“Move over, Lynch,” Adam says, not unkindly and Ronan complies. Adam settles on his back and Ronan turns to his side, throwing a leg over Adam. “Fuck off, Ronan.”
Ronan snorts, throwing an arm across Adam’s chest and Adam settles into the embrace, feeling calm.
“So really, how long have you had this massive crush on me?” Adam asks.
“Fuck off, Adam,” Ronan says, although the affection in his tone betrays his words.
After that night, Adam loses track of the number of times Ronan comes over.
finis.