Chapter Text
The only sound that could be heard throughout the room was Sebek's own breathing. His phone was constantly buzzing from the first years group chat. Exhaustion was clawing at the back of his retinas, but Sebek already knew that if he tried, slumber would not take him.
Sebek reached his hand under his pillow and grabbed his phone. He checked the time; 3:33 AM. Why the hell were all of the first years up and texting at this unsevenly hour?
Sebek Zigvolt:
> Why are you guys texting? It's 3 in the morning.
Acey:
> SEBEK!! we're planning a sleepovevr
> fuck. sleepoyver
Juice:
> *sleepover
Sebek watched as his friends the first years burst into an argument. Could he even call them his friends? They never payed attention to him anyway.
"What?! Where did that come from? Of course they pay attention to me." He whispered to himself.
To test this, he texted the group chat something. It was probably one of the dumbest things that he's ever done.
Mr. Apple Farmer:
> ACE YOU DUMBASS WHY WPULD Y'ALL KISS UNDER THE BLEACGERS
Sebek Zigvolt:
> do you guys care about me? what if I relapsed?
Acey:
> WELL SPRRY FOR WAMTING TO KISS MY BOYFRIEND UNDRR THE BLEACGERS
Howl:
> YOU TWO COULD'VE BEEN CAUGHT BY RIDDLE
No one even responded. They continued arguing like nothing happened. Sebek couldn't blame them, who would like someone like him? He's loud, he doesn't know what emotions are which until they're blown up at a ridiculous scale—
He set his phone down on the desk by the bed before taking in a few shuddery inhales. There was this dull, throbbing pain in his eyes that was starting feel uncomfortably like tears.
When the tears started falling down his face, his chest was heaving up and down as he started hyperventilating. "They don't care, do they?" He said to no one in particular.
Sebek pulled his green covers off and swung his legs over the side of the mattress. He stretched for a bit before his feet carried him into the bathroom attached to his dorm. When he looked in the mirror, all he saw was a girl pretending to be a boy himself in that black sports bra with the green shorts on his too feminine and wide hips.
He nudged one of his bottles of white foundation to the side so his hand could fit. He rested that hand on the counter while he crouched down to rummage through a drawer for the true reason he came into the bathroom.
There it was. He never particularly liked returning to the blade, but maybe it was time. They had spent too long apart.
– ☆ –
It took him about 12 minutes and 30 seconds to finally get the guts to do it after a whole month of being clean. When he brought the cold razor blade to his scarred forearm and sliced, he knew he made the right decision. The way the blood seeped out of the cut was almost erotic to the boy. He kept going, maybe this would get people to look, to see him as more than just Malleus's retainer. Maybe he would be seen as a person. As a true crocodile fae, and not just some half-blooded freak.
He cut more and more and more. One after another, his forearm was, one again, littered in long, painful but deserved cuts. It wasn't enough. He deserved worse. Sebek transferred the bloody blade to his left hand and started cutting his right wrist, starting the cycle again.
Tears were streaming down his face by then, mixing with the blood on his arms as he ugly cried. All of these thoughts of self depreciation and hatred floating around in his head, but one stuck out: "No one would even care if I killed myself, would they?"
What happened next was a blur; it happened so fast. He couldn't recall what led to another. The small box cutter was now lodged in his forearm in between the two tendons that led to his pointer and index finger.
Sebek cried out in unbearable pain; it was something he had never felt before. Tears were streaming down his face at an even faster pace than he was breathing. "Fuck! Ow, Seven dammit!"
After about five or so minutes, there was a knock on his bedroom door. He could hear the muffled voice of Malleus through it from the bathroom. "Sebek? Are you okay??"
"Y-yes... guh... Waka–sama! I'm fi... I'm fine!" He paused, breathing heavily, "Just leave! L-Leave me alone!!"
Apparently, Malleus didn't think that applied to him. The door opened, and Sebek could hear the footsteps of... two people? Who had Malleus brought? The lime green haired boy backed himself up into the corner furthest away from the bathroom door, knowing that Malleus and the other person would find him soon.
When Malleus came in, Sebek was scared. He was scared that Malleus would be angry or disappointed in him for doing something so stupid, and yet... that never happened. "Lilia–san, He's in here! Oh my seven, Sebek..."
"My leige... I'm so sorry..." He shrunk back in on himself, holding his arms to his chest — as well as he could with the box cutter sticking out of his right arm — hiding them from Malleus, but the older one wasn't blind. He could see the blood on the floor mixed with Sebek's tears.
Sebek didn't know what was happening in that moment, but everything was slowly fading to black in his vision. The last thing he saw were tears streaming down Malleus's terrified face.