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You know everything was perfect. Everything was normal perfect and would be the same way tomorrow. Tomorrow, oh gosh, Fang felt the pain in his throat just by thinking about it.
His birthday. Birthday is supposed to be his day, full of happiness and love. When did the cake and candles, running around and celebrating as kid disappear? Or worse, when did it turn into this heart clutching feeling?
Tan decided to make his birthday special this year. I mean, he made his birthday super special every year. Jumping around happily, giving Fang all of his attention, thoughtfully choosing present and he always made the most beautiful speech to show him how deeply he cared.
Oh, his golden retriever boyfriend was simply the best human ever. Made for him. They were perfect for each other. Fang hoped, but he was at least sure that Tan was absolutely flawless for him. The other way around he felt like a burden sometimes.
No, his mind cannot wonder into these dark places, that’s not what he’s feeling anxious about.Tan is trying so hard. So hard for him. Why isn’t he feeling grateful?
This year Tan brought Fang to the beach, his favorite place ever. Just looking at the endless body of water and listening to peaceful sounds of waves crashing into rocks and sand.
Usually these noises made Fang’s mind clear and calm. As if his thoughts stopped for a while.
They arrived to the beach late in the evening, so that they have full day tomorrow, just relaxing by the beach. Oh, Tan planned it perfectly. Oh his precious Tan.
”Teerak? Are you tired from traveling or do you want to walk a little?” Tan’s smile lit up Fang’s world even for these few seconds, when he felt his throat burning with the need to cry. He blinked a few times, to dissolve the tears burning deep inside of his eyes. He put of a natural smile, to hide his complete misery.
”You almost threw up on the bus, I should be asking you” Fang pretended to be okay very convincingly, but Tan knew him too well, Too throughly. Even though his smile was natural it quite didn’t reach his eyes.
“Teerak, I am okayyy. Tell me, what do you want to do?” Tan pretended to not notice what was Fang faking, only because for the moment he thought maybe Fang wants it this way.
”Let’s walk through the city and then have dinner on the beach? We packed it anyway” just like always, Fang was practical.
Tan held Fangs hand and they slowly explored these old narrow streets of this beautiful city. They walked slowly, looked around. The vibe was quiet, Fag didn’t feel like talking. So when Tan asked something from time to time, he hummed in agreement or disagreement.
Slowly the road underneath their shoes changed into sand and small rocks.
“Let’s go further, there’s no one” Tan decided and Fang just nodded. The beach was beautiful, little bit small but cozy, with ancient walls dividing the most beautiful part of nature from the quiet night city.
Tan sat down, pulled out the sandwiches, they prepared together before getting to the bus. He handed one to his precious boyfriend who was silenced by grieving life’s shortness.
Fang felt horrible, if he even looked at Tan’s beautiful face he would have cried terribly. So he jist nibbled the sandwich and stared to the sea. To the calming waves which betrayed him. Not even the silent hum of sea could interrupted his burning throat.
And just like this with waves reflecting in his eyes, first tear formed in the corner of his eye. Until he just couldn’t hold it anymore. The tear ignored his eyelid and slowly rolled down his cheek. Leaving a wet trace.
Fang didn’t sob, his breathing haven’t even changed. He didn’t want to bother Tan. One of the abilities he cherished, was that he could cry without any sounds. He picked that up in his childhood. While being overlooked crying could bring unpleasant attention. His family was complicated enough. With his brothers and father. It was the best to not add to the emotional chaos that unraveled everytime some problem appeared.
Maybe this was another reason why his heart felt hollow and tears kept rolling down his cheeks.
Oh his childhood, interrupted by his complicated mind and even more complicated family situations. He always in middle of everything. Being on everyone’s side trying to get the stubborn ones to apologize and make up.
And now in just like an hour he will be even further away from his precious childhood. Nobody ever asked if he wanted to grow up.
And now all the doors are closing. All of them. Could this be the complete end of joy?
He missed playing games with friends, he missed being careless even for a moment. He missed all the opportunities he was offered even without trying.
What new can he possibly start his age? It’s too late for everything.
If he wants to be creative he has to do it by himself, no more afterschool activities.
If he wants to pick up a new sport he can be either between kids, or adults that are on different level.
He hated it. He hated all of this. He hated time. He hated his life.
He couldn’t even eat anymore, his throat closed up. His eyes filled with tears.
Stupid sea, stupid never ending waves. Stupid water that will never disappear. Stupid waves, they could never understand him, they will be here for millions and millions years.
He hated this, he hated himself. He always thought he would die before becoming adult. He did not sign up for this.
Thoughts were spinning in his head. Every single one angered his so much, but all the anger left him in split seconds turning into sadness. Mourning all the years before, mourning all the years that were to come.
Tan brushed his hands with his fingers and gently interlocked their fingers. Which threw Fang completely out of guard.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Tan asked in the calmest most caring voice.
Which made Fang lose control completely
He started sobbing out loud. Loud, without any restrictions.
“No” he got out in between sobbing and catching his breath so that he could cry more.
Fang was shaking. Stupid forever lasting water.
“Do you want me to go closer to you? Or do you maybe want to be closer to me?” Tan tried, because he knew Fang had his boundaries while crying, sometimes he wanted him close, other times no and he didn’t want to make the situation any worse.
These sweet considerate words made his heart clench painfully. He shook his head. He felt so empty. His head was the only one spinning with millions of negative thoughts. But the rest of him was empty, abandoned. He even felt like these parts of him didn’t even belong to him. He felt like he didn’t deserve the offered hug.
His eyes were overflowing with tears, he couldn’t even see anymore. But he still knew that the age defying sea was laughting at him.
Tan slowly raised his other hand to caress his cheek and wipe always his tears. He gave him just enough time to push the hand away if Fang still didn’t feel like being touched. Fang flinched at the contact of their skin, but he let Tan dry at least a little bit his cheeks that were soaking wet from crying.
That absolutely broke something in Fang. He quickly pulled himself closer to Tan and curled into his chest.
“Tan - You-You don’t ge e t it. This is the-the end” Fang was sobbing so hard. Tan held him as close as possible. He could shield him from world. But even if he tried his best he wouldn’t be able to shield him from time.
Tan’s warm tight hug warmed up Fang’s heart, he felt like he was getting his body back. His skin didn’t feel hollow anymore, but every single cell was filled with grief.
Grieving his youth, his opportunities, his life. I grieved that happened and mourned things that didn’t happen.
“Fang, my teerak, your life is still in front of you. Trust me I will be here. I will be here for you. Every second, every move, every opportunity, I’ll be cheering on you. Supporting you.”
Fang listened but didn’t believe not even one word. The stupid ocean humming filled his ears, he wasn’t even able to listen anymore.
Tan stroked his soft hair gently. If only he could take away any of this pain. He got an idea.
”Fang? Teerak? Look at the water, so you see the calm waves?” Fang raised his head a little. Opening his big curious eyes. The flow of tears stopped for a second.
“Every single droplet has been here for millions of years. Isn’t that cool? They witnessed dinosaurs, ancient times, old civilization. Do you even have any idea how many stories happened here? And not only here, in such a long time, every droplet has been everywhere all over the world!”
Fang stopped crying and looked at the sea with way less hatred in his eyes.
”They have so many stories to tell. You just have to listen to them. And now they are looking at you, listening to you. They will tell your story in the waves one day. Story about amazing brave boy, who did beautiful things, followed his dreams, before and even after he thought his life is ending” Tan’s plan was working.
Fang looked at the waves now more calmly. Maybe even for a few minutes. He straighten up. Then he turned around to hit Tan on his chest.
”You distracted me, just like a kid” he commented madly and tears were again flowing, but slower. Calmer. Fang could breathe, he wasn’t choking on his swollen throat.
”You just don’t get it. You’re younger than me” he cried out before burrying his face in Tan’s neck. After crying for just a few more minutes when Tan was softly kissing top of his head, they decided to go to the apartment. It was Fang’s birthday already. He spent over an hour by ugly crying. (As if he could ever look bad right?)
Even before going to sleep he still felt hollow and empty. Only thing that made him feel something was deep, full of emotions passionately kiss from love of his life. But to his surprise when he woke up he he didn’t feel as sad anymore.
Tan cuddled with him in the bed, then he bought him a delicious cake and wished him happy birthday.
Time wasn’t stopping and aging will not stop anytime soon, most likely never. Some opportunities are closing, Fang still fully believes that. But maybe life isn’t a cycle of different things coming and going. Life isn’t linear, yes, he is losing something and yes, he is allowed to grieve that. But new things are coming and it’s just about how he will perceive them.