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Grace tossed and turned in his bed, but sleep evaded him the same way.
He wasn't sure he was doing a good job on hiding from Rocky how little sleep he had been getting but soon it probably wouldn't matter anyways.
It has been four months since they found a floating submarine, covered in thick blood, just outside of Erid's orbit. And inside, another human, alive.
Grace thought he had made peace with never having any human contact again (he avoided thinking about it), but as soon as the possibility made itself present, he realized he ached to touch another person, to feel the heat and the skin and feel alive once more.
It was like a dream, like paradise, and it ended as abruptly as it started.
The other human, Simon, was in bad shape when the Eridians recovered the submarine. He was put immediately on the medbay, under the care of Armando and Eridian doctors, where he stayed for three weeks until he was well enough to go around by himself, which also gave time for Adrian to build him a home next to Grace's one.
While Simon was in medbay, although he had a hard time trusting anything, he let Grace in. He told Grace what happened at the submarine (which in return had Grace trying his best to not throw up in front of the other), he told Grace about Eden and about his brothers. He trusted Grace to change his bandages and apply medicine whenever needed (the first time Grace touched his skin was like fireworks, like all the good in Earth, like a dream and a bullet. It hurt, and Grace had to restrain himself from trying to get more. It was addictive).
And then Simon...stopped.
A few days after moving in the home next to Grace, Simon woke up....different. When the scientist went to his house to chat, Simon didn't smile, didn't invite him in. Just....opened the door a little, and told him to fuck off.
Ouch.
But it's fine! People need space! And Grace was all over Simon those first few weeks, it's fine! So he shoved the hurt to a deep corner of his mind, and went on with his day
Except...it didn't end.
Simon rarely came out of his house anymore. Every time Grace tried to make any contact, he was just met with an angry gaze and a door shut in his face. The Eridians could come and go as they wanted, Grace often saw Adrian come and go, and a few times he even saw them taking a walk on the beach. The man tried to join them, once, and got a piercing gaze enough to put a hole on his head. Needless to say, he didn't try that again.
Grace tried inviting Simon over, tried writing letters and leaving them under the door (he never got a response). Tried singing and dancing on the beach and knocking on Simon's door and nothing ever worked.
Maybe Simon just disliked him, simple as that. And there was nothing Grace could to that would change Simon's mind.
He wouldn't be the first one to do so. Grace knew he didn't have much to offer. It was hard enough for one to put up with his constant yapping and he knew it was too much. Heck, he was surprised Rocky was still around now that he had both his mate and other options.
Grace tossed and turned around on his bed. He hugged himself, trying to keep the warmth in, even though he knew it wouldn't work.
His mind kept going back to Yao's gun.
A quick and simple shot. He could do it. He knew where to aim so it was as quick as possible.
Maybe in his dreams he would finally be able to hug another person again.
He didn't realize he was crying until he felt the damp spot on the pillow under his cheek.
"Grace wrong, question?" Rocky said one day
"What?" It caught Ryland off guard. It was just after a school day, and Grace was picking up his material to go back to the house.
"Grace more quiet, no energy. Grace different, statement."
Ryland scooped up his stuff with one hand, and used his cane with the other. Recently, his joints have started to ache more (what part of his body isn't aching?), and he found himself using the xenonite cane more frequently.
"I'm just tired, bud. It will be fine soon".
"Grace not sleeping, question? Is the bed uncomfortable?" Rocky matched his walking speed.
"It's not the bed, Rocky. It's just....it's hard to explain."
"Rocky can understand, Rocky not stupid like Grace."
This earned a laugh. "I know, it's just.... You know what? We are going to be late for movie night if we keep talking"
Rocky stopped for a second, but probably decided to drop the subject and followed Grace home.
None of them saw Simon looking longingly from his window.
Yao's gun was on the third drawer on Grace's desk. It had three bullets.
"Rocky is worried about Grace, statement." Adrian said on Simon's living room, breaking the confortable silence that surrounded them both.
"Is he sick?" Simon's eyes were on the floor (he had distanced himself enough of the angel living as his neighbor to avoid his heart jumping only from hearing the other man's name).
"Not on his body. On his head."
Adrian knew why he isolated himself. He wouldn't ruin Grace. He couldn't. But he could still worry.
"Did the doctors examine him?" Simon got closer to the Eridian, resting his head on their xenonite suit.
"He didn't let them. Said it was complicated. Not to worry"
"Hmm."
Simon's insides twisted in a painful way.
Grace was in his third cup of coffee, but no amount of caffeine was managing to help his eyes focus for more than a few seconds.
His hand was caressing the drawer, like a long lost friend.
Don't do this! Don't send me!
You're murdering me!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!
It had been so long ago. He was truly a coward, if he truly cared about his kids and about Earth, he wouldn't have needed to be sedated.
He can't stop being a coward, a burden, even on Erid.
Talks too much, has his head on the clouds. Does he ever stop to listen to others? When did he put others upon himself? Such selfishness. Once a coward, always a coward.
His tears hit the xenonite tablets that were the homework of his students. Why this was all he could think about?
Why can't he just sleep and rest?
He wondered how it would be to rest forever.
His hand touched something cold metal, cold, ice, it shot through his skin. It was like sending his crewmates' bodies through the airlock again.
Grace hadn't even realized he opened the drawer.
Yao's gun was on his hand.
It had three bullets.
He put it back and closed the drawer. His stomach ached, but he had no hunger. It had been a while since he felt anything at all.
A knock on his door.
Grace went to open it, surprised to see Simon on the other side. It was day. It was night. The man in question was looking everywhere but Grace's face, and all the scientist could do was step aside to let the man enter.
His house is a mess. He hopes Simon doesn't mind it.
"I'm sorry" Simon said first. The blonde turned his head so fast his neck made a painful 'crack'.
"It wasn't fair to shut you out like that. I was an asshole, and I am sorry". Simon was now looking at him.
Grace was in front of the man before he could think better, and he touched Simon's face with his hands. Simon's hand went up to touch his, and a moment later they were both hugging and crying.
Like fire, like stars, like a supernova exploding inside Grace's heart. It felt like a thousand needles and all the warmth he had been missing. It felt like home.
"You were always such a crybaby, weren't you Ryland?" Stratt's voice. Where was Simon?
Stratt was in front of him. Who was Simon? He felt the sudden urge to run and scream, and so he did. He ran, he fell, they pinned him up. He was going to die die die alone cold miserable starving alone alone alone.
Grace woke up with a scream on his throat. His body ached so much and it was so cold he was sure he was already dead.
He couldn't see. Why couldn't he see? Why was everything so blurry?
He was dying, he couldn't breathe breathe breathe he was going to die.
He didn't realize he was up until he had Yao's gun on his hand. Did he knew how to shoot?
Ryland fell to the ground, his head banging painfully on the drawer to his side. He was facing the barrel of the gun, it was only the two of them. His ears rang so much he couldn't hear anything, not even his own sobs.
He disabled the safety. The ring on his ears got louder.
Then a hand grabbed the gun and threw it away.
Simon had taken to sitting outside Grace's house in the middle of the nights. Sometimes, he whispered whatever he wanted to tell Ryland that day. Sometimes, he sang. Sometimes, he just sat in silence.
He figured it was the best thing he could do until he gathered up the courage to speak to the scientist. He was a coward, he knew that. But every time he gazed into those blue eyes, he feared to hurt them. So he started to avoid him.
He made this decision after a dream - no, a nightmare. Grace was dead. Blood was all over the floor. He was holding a gun. Simon was holding a gun. He had killed him. Just like he killed everyone else he ever crossed paths with. He was responsible for everyone's demise. He was a parasite who couldn't stop taking, and if he kept going he was going to drag this kind and wonderful man with him too.
It was best that Ryland hated him. If he was alive to hate, it was all that mattered.
But Simon could still yearn, and cope on his own way. Hey, he was only human.
The Eridians were a whole other way. Simon wasn't scared to hurt them, since they were literally build like rocks. Rocky was too talkative for his own sanity, so he chose to spend his days with Adrian on a mostly quiet silence.
The nights, he spent telling Grace's door his secrets, and hoping that one day he would have the courage to face him.
Simon knew something was wrong, even before Adrian mentioned it. Grace rarely left his house now, and its been days since he last saw him smile. So, he was more alert when he sat on the door that night, and immediately fumbled to get inside once he heard the screams.
It was all so fast. He had to break down the door (why the fuck did Ryland decided to lock the door this day) and when he found the man, his instincts acted for him and he disarmed the man as fast as he could.
It was all so fast.
Simon's brain only caught up with what was happening when he was already crouching in front of the wailing man, holding his wrists with his xenonite hand.
Someone was restraining him again. The grass was cold, a needle on his neck, they were going to send him away again, again, again, he couldn't do this, he'd rather go on his own terms.
The ground was so cold but his body was hot hot hot like it was catching fire. There was something on his face a hand on his face something and it was so so warm it burned him from the inside out.
"Grace. Grace, come back. Ryland!"
Someone was pleading with him. Who was it? He knew this voice.
Someone was screaming it was him who was screaming. A hand on his face, wiping his tears. His hands were let go and he held on the life line holding his face like something precious. He held on his own Petrova Line, that was burning him and he was glad to be burnt. Grace didn't know anymore if he was crying or laughing.
He was surely dead then.
If someone is holding him then he must have succeeded. He let out a hysterical laugh again and threw himself on the other person.
It didn't hurt as much as he thought it was going to. Dying, that is. He didn't even feel it.
"What? No, no, no, Ry you're not dead."
Did he say it out loud? It didn't matter.
"It's going to be okay."
It already was okay.
Simon (the person was Simon, of course) wiped Grace's tears while ignoring his own. He looked so worried, why was he so worried?
"Ry, you have to breathe. Come on l-love, in and out with me."
He could follow it. He could be a good boy. He could try to be good.
His face was smushed against Simon's chest. It took maybe minutes, maybe hours, to finally get his breathing under control, and he was no longer hysterically hyperventilating. He also knew that he wasn't dead. He saw a glimpse of the gun on the corridor, but Simon clocked fast on what he was seeing and shifted himself to block his view.
He could hear Simon's heartbeat. It was fast, like thundering. Like fireworks.
Grace was warm again for the first time in years.