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Sirius has never been one to be overly cautious at night. He’s out clubbing enough to know the city and he could get back to his apartment with his eyes closed. This wasn’t a rare occurence—Sirius needing to get out and about so he goes to the bar and gets pissed, while Remus stays at their apartment. Sirius usually goes with James or Peter but tonight neither of them were available so he spent the night having drink after drink. Nothing happened to make him go, he just was bored and tired of having coherent thoughts.

Walking back home, now, Sirius was having second thoughts. He couldn’t seem to walk in a straight line. His vision was going blurry and his mind felt fuzzy. He kept looking behind him for some reason. There had never been a reason for him to be alert, and yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being followed. 

He turned into the alley that led to the road the apartment complex was on. The alley wasn’t well lit, maybe two lights on the building walls. During the day this was a cute backroad. He and Remus had come here multiple times to make out away from prying eyes. At night though, it was different. Not creepy exactly—Sirius knew creepy. The house he grew up in was creepy, this was just—off. He’d walked through this alley time and time again and it had never felt off. Sirius shrugged off this feeling as one of paranoia after drinking too much, and he continued to walk.

He just entered the darkest part of the alley when he heard the footsteps behind him. He looked over his shoulder and saw three guys. Sirius glared at them, hoping it was intimidating. However, since he was very visibly drunk, he guessed it probably didn’t have the desired effect. He heard the men laugh at something, their footsteps were speeding up. Sirius also hurried his steps, he really didn’t want to deal with this. He was confident that he could take on three guys when he was sober, but this pissed, he didn’t know.

“Hey! Fag!” one the guys yelled.

Sirius stopped.

He turned around, “Excuse me?”

The man smirked, looking eerie in the dim lighting, “You heard me.”

Sirius glared, “Yeah, fucking did and that’s a fucking slur. Fuck off ‘fore I call the cops.”

The blond man next time him laughed, “Like they would ever help a faggot like you.”

Sirius smirked and pulled out his phone, it was slightly blurry, “Wanna bet?”

Sirius should have seen it coming. He cursed himself for not, but he was drunk and not in his right mind. Before he could react, the men ran at him. They pushed him up against the wall, making him drop his phone. Sirius yelped in surprise and kneed the nearest man in the balls. The man cursed and fell back. He took his chance and shoved the other guy off of him and ran for it.

He didn’t even get five steps before the third guy had pinned him to the ground. Sirius groaned as his arm was pinned against his back in an awkward, not comfortable at all angle. Sirius tried rolling over, he tried to kick him off, but the man had the dominant position and there was nothing Sirius could do. 

“Faggots like you don’t deserve to be living,” the man growled.

“A’least ‘m not the one jumping people in alleyways,” Sirius snapped back, sounding more slurred than he wanted. 

He regretted it almost as soon as the man registered it. He bent his arm higher up his back to where it was painful. Sirius hissed in pain.

“Want to repeat that, fag?”

“You ‘eard me,” Sirius growled.

The next thing he felt was pain. White hot pain pulsing throughout his whole body. The second thing he registered was that the man was yelling something at him, not that he could understand him. The third thing he noticed was that his arm was bent at an angle it should definitely not have been in. He supposed that that was where the pain was coming from. The mother fucker had broken his arm.

After a few moments he was able to breathe again and actually heard what the man was saying.

“Fucking faggot! You want me to do that again, do you?! You’re an abomination to the planet! You should have died before you were even born! I think it’s time to teach you a lesson, fag. You guys, agree?”

Sirius heard the other two agree. He was trying to think of a way to get out of this, but between the pain and still being pissed as fuck, he wasn’t having much luck. He felt the man get off of him and he tried to get away but the moment he moved pain shot up his arm and he groaned in pain. He felt something collate with his ribs. He opened his eyes and saw it was a boot.

“Going somewhere?” the man asked, kicking him again.

Sirius tried to roll out of the way. He managed to roll to the side, but one of the other guys kicked him again, making him roll onto his broken arm. A pained whimper comes out of his mouth, and he wishes more than anything that he could have bitten his tongue and not made a sound. The main man crouched in front of him, a mocking look on his face.

“Oh, are you hurting, fucking fag? So sad.” 

Then, before Sirius can think, a fist comes smashing into his face. He can feel his nose break. He gasps in pain as he feels the blood rush out. His vision goes blurry for a second, and when it refocuses the man isn’t in front of him anymore. Sirius is about to try and get away again when someone kicks him in the ribs. He instinctively curls inwards, and that only makes them kick him harder. He feels tears in his eyes and blinks them back, no matter how much pain he’s in, he’s not going to give these imbeciles the satisfaction of seeing him cry. 

They continue kicking him with no looks of stopping. Sirius is sure he’s  bitten all the way through his tongue in effort not to make a sound. He felt so fucking humiliated, here he was, just on the ground while three guys just beat on him. He should be stronger than this. A crack echoes through the quiet alley and Sirius can’t keep his pained cry from coming out. His breathing was getting laboured. He couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. 

“Hey stop,” one of the men said. “We don’t want to kill him.”“Why not?” one of the others asked.

“You said it yourself, he’s an abomination.”

“That’d draw too much attention to us,” the man said. “But that’s not to say we can’t torture him a little bit.”

The man turned Sirius so that he was on his back, looking up at the night sky. You used to be able to see stars. Not anymore. The man took Sirius’ non-broken arm and pulled it away from his body and rolled the sleeve of his leather jacket up. Then he took out a pocket knife.

Fifteen minutes ago Sirius would have fought with all that he had. Now, he just wanted this to be over. They already said that they wouldn’t kill him, so at least he knew he’d live through this. He hadn’t decided whether that was a pro or a con. Sirius saw the man take the knife to his arm and he looked the other way. He didn’t want to see what was going to be carved into his skin.

However, the other guys didn’t agree.

“No, no, you don’t get to look away, fag.” One of them said, and forced him to look as the guy forced the knife into his skin. Sirius squeezed his eyes shut. He bit the inside of his mouth to not make a sound, but it hurt. It really really hurt. It was like he was trying to make it as painful as possible—which he probably was. He pressed the knife into his skin particularly deep and Sirius let out a choked cry.

“Awh, hurting?” the man mocked. “If you keep your eyes closed I’ll make it even worse.”

Even with the threat, Sirius couldn’t make himself open his eyes. He shook his head and he could hear the man laugh.

“If you say so.”

Sirius couldn’t stop the gasps and cries of pain as the man dragged the knife deep in his flesh. The only reason he wasn’t screaming was that he had his fair share of pain in his childhood. He knew well that screaming only made it worse. He kept his eyes closed as the men snickered. He kept his eyes closed as he wanted to die rather than be in this situation. He kept his eyes closed as the man pushed the knife enough into his arm that he could feel it touch the bone. He kept his eyes closed as he sobbed through the pain. He kept his eyes closed as he wished for Remus, as he wished for James, or Peter. Anyone to stop this. 

He couldn't breathe. He was getting lightheaded and his broken arm was in agony. His ribs were in agony. And the arm that was being carved into—he didn’t even know how to explain it. It hurt so much. He couldn’t breathe but he couldn’t stop sobbing. Every cry made everything hurt even more. He wanted to go home. He wanted Remus. 

Finally, finally, the man yanked the knife out of Sirius’ arm. He let out a cry of pain. He could feel the blood pooling down his arm. His eyes were still closed, he didn’t want to know what had been carved into his flesh.

“Hope you learned your lesson, bitch,” the man drawled. 

Sirius almost let out another sob. Lesson for what? Loving a boy? It was love. How could love be so sinful? How could the way he kissed Remus be evil? The way they would go to coffee shops and hold hands under the table. The way that whenever they went to the beach they always had to race each other. How Remus pretended to be annoyed at Sirius for never shutting up  but always listened to every word. How could something that felt so beautiful be seen as so ugly? It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all.

He vaguely heard the men walk away. Laughing. They were laughing. Laughing while Sirius could barely breathe. While Sirius couldn’t move without gasping in pain. When he heard them round the corner, Sirius finally opened his eyes. He didn’t look at his arm, he didn’t think he could handle that right now. He needed help. He just stared at the sky for a few moments longer, trying to breathe through the pain. He eventually turned his head, gasping as he did. Any movement whatsoever felt impossible. He looked over at the alley ground and saw his phone lying maybe four feet away. He almost just gave up. Sirius didn’t know how he was going to get over there. He thought of Remus, and his smile, and the feel of his hands on Sirius. He wanted Remus, and if he wanted Remus, he needed to get his phone.

He started by just rolling over. It made him want to scream—he didn’t. His breathing was laboured again, his head was spinning. Both of his arms felt like they were going to fall off. His ribs were protesting every move and he couldn’t even feel his nose. He made himself sit up. His arm was shaking and Sirius couldn’t even describe the pain that putting pressure on it made. He crawled onto his hands and knees and limb by limb started making his way to his phone. 

By the time he got there he was sobbing. He collapsed onto his back as soon as he was arms distance away. He couldn’t breathe. Everything hurt. With his bloody arm, he reached for his phone. It was cracked, but as soon as he pressed the screen it turned on. The wallpaper of him and Remus kissing shined back at him. Sirius opened emergency contacts and hit Remus’ name. As soon as the screen lit up with the call, he dropped his arm. It hurt so much.

On the second ring, Remus picked up. 

“I swear to God if you need me to come pick you up agai— are you crying?”

Sirius hadn’t realized he was still crying, not that he was surprised. Everything hurt. All that he could think of right now was Remus. Remus was on the phone. It would be okay. He can hear Remus’ voice, it’ll be okay.

“Sirius?” Remus sounded worried.

“Moony,” Sirius slurred. It was all that he could manage.

“Where are you?” Remus asked, his voice was sharp.

“Alleyway,” Sirius managed. “By the coffee shop.”

“Okay,” Remus said, his voice had taken a more soothing tone. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Sirius almost sobbed in relief. Instead, a cough came out, jarring his ribs. He cried out in pain, sobbing even more. He must’ve been so pathetic. He can’t even talk without crying in pain.

“Sirius?” Remus was worried again. Sirius could hear him opening the door and hurrying down the stairs. It was maybe a ten minute walk to the cafe. Sirius didn’t know he could last that long. He just wanted to pass out. That was becoming more and more of a reality as his vision was blurring. 

“Sirius! Are you here?” He was frightened.

“Mmm.”

“What happened?” he asked, his voice sounding scared yet so peaceful.

What did happen? He was walking home and then these three men called him slurs. He snapped back and they jumped him. Yeah, that was it. 

“Got jumped,” he slurred. 

“What?!” Remus shouted from the other end. Sirius winced. He hated loud noises. Remus then lowered his voice, “I’m coming, okay, Pads. I’ll be there in a few minutes, just stay with me alright?”

“‘ll try,” Sirius murmured.

“Hey, remember that time in school when you and James came back to the dorm and you guys had this guilty expression on and. . .”

Remus’ voice faded in and out but it was enough to keep Sirius awake and alert. Everything still hurt, and if anything they were getting worse. Sirius wanted Remus. He wanted more than Remus on the phone, he wanted him here. Multiple times Sirius made a pained noise and Remus stopped telling the story and assured him he was almost there.

Sirius really thought he was going to pass out now. He was going blurry from blood loss and couldn’t think straight from the pain. He was about to tell Remus he was sorry when the call ended. Sirius wanted to freak out but before he could he heard a voice beside him.

“Hey, hey, I’m here. You’re going to be okay.” Remus.

Sirius let out a sob, and Remus leaned down and kissed his forehead. 

“It’s okay,” he soothed. Then, his eyes landed on his arm, they widened but Remus didn’t react other than that. “I need to stop the bleeding.”

Sirius nodded. His arm was pulled tight against his shirt so he knew Remus hadn’t seen what was written there. Neither had Sirius, and he wanted to keep it that way. Remus carefully moves his arm away from his body. Sirius remembered how the guys did that, he brushed off the thought almost immediately. This was Remus, he was safe. Remus pulled off his jacket and put it against the wound. Immediately, fire exploded in his arm, and Sirius cried out before he could stop himself.

“I know, I’m so sorry, just hold on for me,” Remus soothed.

Sirius nodded and let out another sob. Remus’ hand that wasn’t holding the jacket on his arm came up to cup Sirius’ face. It was gentle, as to not hurt him more, but it was also firm, grounding.

“You’re so strong, Pads, you’re so strong,” Remus said, not quite a whisper but not quite talking.

Sirius didn’t feel strong. He felt weak. He felt like if a small gust of wind came he’d collapse, not that he hadn’t already. He couldn’t even defend himself, he didn’t see how Remus could ever think of him as strong. 

Remus moved the jacket on his arm just a bit, and Sirius cried out. 

“I’m so sorry,” Remus whispered. 

He wiped the blood off of Sirius’ face, still somehow soothing. Remus slowly pulled off the jacket, Sirius bit his tongue to try and not cry out. Remus looked at him like he knew what he was doing but didn’t comment on it. When Remus got it off to access the damage, he gasped and his hand flew to his mouth.

Sirius finally gathered the courage to look at his arm. He turned and looked at the word carved into his skin. He wished he hadn’t. The letters were big, they couldn't be missed by anyone. Sirius turned away, tears slipping down his face. Asking a God he didn’t believe in what he could have done to deserve this. Because carved into his flesh to be there forever was a word he never wanted to hear again.

FAGGOT

“Oh, Sirius. . .” Remus’ voice was almost a breath. 

Sirius only let out a sob in response. He wanted to go home. He was tired and just wanted to go to bed and pretend that this was all a bad dream. He’d wake up and his arm would be just as smooth as it was this morning. 

“We need to go to the hospital,” Remus said.

Sirius immediately turned back to Remus and shook his head, it hurt, but in his panic he hardly cared. 

“Sirius! Stop moving, you’re hurting yourself,” Remus ordered. “I can’t heal you on my own. Please, Sirius.”

Sirius shook his head, “No please, please don’t. I know ‘ow to heal broken bones, please, Moony. They’re gonna see my arm and what if they ‘ut me in a mental hospital. Please, I know ‘ow to heal myself.”

Sirius could see tears in Remus’ eyes, because he knew that he was right. This was the world that they lived in. Where you could be put in an asylum for loving the person that you loved. Where people would beat you up for being different.

“You’re hurting,” Remus said, tears making their way down his face.

“I want to go home,” Sirius sobbed. “Please.”

Remus looked devastated and Sirius knew he won the argument. 

“Okay,” Remus sobbed back. “We have to walk.”

Sirius nodded, he knew. How he was going to do it, he didn’t know. At least he didn’t have a broken leg. Then he really wouldn’t have any choice but to go to the hospital. 

“I’m going to make a sling for your broken arm, okay?” Remus told him.

Sirius nodded. Remus took off his shirt and knotted it into a makeshift sling. Sirius hissed in pain as Remus put it around his arm. Remus muttered an apology, but he got it on and it did feel a bit better. Then he turned to Sirius’ other arm and tied the jacket around it so he wouldn’t keep bleeding. Sirius managed to stay quiet except for a small sob.

“Can you sit up?”

Sirius nodded. With Remus’ help he managed to sit up, tears were running down his face, but it’s not like they ever stopped. 

“You’re so strong, you know that?” 

Sirius didn’t say anything. He wasn’t strong. At all. He was weak. Even now, he could hardly move. He was scared to do anything. He was so much less than what Remus deserved. Remus didn’t deserve to deal with all of his shit. 

“Can you stand up, baby?”

Sirius nodded. He would’ve even if he couldn’t. Remus looked so worried, he had that look in his eyes that he had when someone he loved was in trouble. Sirius had only seen it a few times in the years that he’s known Remus. 

Remus put his arm around Sirius’ waist and helped him up. Sirius bit his tongue so he didn’t make a sound. His whole body felt like it was being burned alive. His breathing got more laboured and Remus looked over at him. 

“We can wait,” Remus said. His voice was so caring that Sirius just wanted to melt into it. 

Sirius shook his head, “I’m okay.” His voice cracked, and it was tight. He could tell that Remus didn’t believe him, but he didn’t comment on it and started walking.

Sirius was biting his tongue so hard that he tasted blood. Remus was talking about something that Sirius couldn’t hear. All of his focus was to keep walking. His vision had blurred too many times to count. He didn’t know how long they had been walking, only that every step felt like walking through lava.

Remus helped, and not just physically. His voice just helped Sirius stay aware and his hand lightly going up and down his side helped him stay grounded. He still couldn’t make out what Remus was saying. 

He kept walking. One foot after another. Step after step. He could do this. It was just moving one leg and then the other. It was easy. Except it wasn’t. Every time he moved he wanted to collapse from pain. He wanted to pass out so he didn’t have to feel this anymore. They were less than a block from their apartment when he couldn’t do it anymore. It was too much. He let out a sob of pain and just gave out. 

Remus fell with him. Sirius was full on sobbing now, he couldn’t do this. He fell to the ground in Remus’ arms. He wanted the hurting to stop.

“I’m here, baby, I’m here,” Remus whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

Sirius burrowed into Remus’ chest. Remus held him close, arm moving up and down in a soothing gesture. His tears falling onto Remus’ bare torso. They stayed there for a while, Sirius didn’t know how long, but he knew that at some point he was able to breathe again, and not every breath hurt. 

“Moony?”

He remembered how Remus got the nickname, and smiled at the memories. They were in school and Remus always would stay up late to look at the moon, no matter what phase it was in. He’d always make comments on it in astronomy and eventually James started calling him Moony as a joke and it’s stuck. 

“Yeah, love?” He sounded so genuine that Sirius wanted to cry. 

“I think I ‘an walk now,” Sirius said.

“Are you sure?”

Sirius nodded.

Remus helped him up, and they made their way to their apartment. Sirius hurt so much, but he did manage to get to the apartment without collapsing again. They finally got to their door. Remus fumbled for the keys with one hand and unlocked it. As soon as they got to Sirius collapsed to it. Closing his eyes tight against the world. 

He vaguely heard Remus rummage around their apartment. Sirius tried to focus on his breathing, in and out, in and out, in and out, again and again and again. 

“Sirius? Can you open your eyes for me?” Remus asked.

Sirius did. Remus had a bunch of medical supplies on the coffee table beside of him, and he had put a new shirt on. The latter disappointed him, but that wasn’t a main concern right now. Remus looked so worried that it broke his heart, he hated that he made Remus feel like that. He glanced around the room, and saw the record player on the shelf.

“’an you put on Bowie?” he asked. His voice was still raspy and tight but it was better than earlier.

Remus just stared at him like he’d grown a third eye. Sirius didn’t know why Remus seemed so surprised by this request, it’s not like he didn’t ask it at least ten times a day.

“What?” Sirius asked.

Remus just shook his head, a small smile appearing as he got up and put the vinyl on the record player. David Bowie filled the room. 

“I’m not sure why I’m surprised,” Remus said with a small smile. 

Sirius grinned, then winced when it hurt his nose. He hoped Remus hadn’t seen it but he did. Of course he did, there was nothing that got past Remus unnoticed. 

“I think your nose is the easiest to fix,” Remus muttered, then looked up at Sirius apologetically. “I need to set it.”

Sirius nods, “just do it.”

Remus nods and put his hands on Sirius’ chin and nose.

“On three,” Remus said. “One, two—”

He did it on two. 

Sirius cursed his arm coming up before he realized that was injured too. He folded in one himself, groaning. Remus whispered comforting words that Sirius wouldn't quite make out. He managed to breathe through the worst of it. 

He looked up at Remus, “You went on two.”

It sounded out of breath and pained, but Remus chuckled. “You act like you wouldn’t have backtracked the moment I said three.”

Sirius glared, “Bugger off.”

“Sod,” Remus countered.

Sirius smiled, it was the first genuine smile of the evening. He was tired and in pain but at least he got this. Remus seemed to see what Sirius was thinking and his expression sobered up. 

“Can I see your arm,” he asked, nodding to the one non-broken one.

Sirius nodded. He knew it wasn’t a question, and he wasn’t going to make this harder on Remus. Remus took his arm, making Sirius hiss in pain. He took the bloody shirt off and they both winced at what they saw. Now, in the lit up room, you could see the word clearer than anything. Sirius wanted to throw up. 

There was less blood around it and the letters were stark against his pale skin. It made him want to cut off his arm. He hated how it got there. He hated what the word meant. He hated the implications of it. He hated how it hurt. He hated everything about it.

“I’m going to clean it first,” Remus said, grabbing antibiotics and a cloth. 

“You don’t have to,” Sirius said. “I wouldn’t mind getting an amputation.”

Remus looked at him, “That’s not funny.”

“I’m not trying to be,” Sirius snapped.

“We’ll figure this out, okay?” Remus said, in his soothing tone. Sirius hated how calm he was, and he knew that wasn’t fair. He knew that Remus was probably freaking out just as much as he was but he needed someone to take out his feelings on, and Remus was right there.

“Isn’t that so easy for you to say,” he snapped. “You’re not the one with a fucking slur carved into your arm and your acting like everything’s fine and it’s not a big fucking deal! I got fucking jumped because I’m gay! Because I’m with you! I wish all the fucking time that I could just be normal and like girls but I’m not and now this happens and I wonder, is it even fucking worth it?”

Sirius knew he was being an ass. He knew he was being terrible to Remus. He knew he would regret it later, but right now he felt like he meant every word. He was so tired of this, and he did wish he was normal. But never, not once did he ever regret being with Remus.

Remus’ eyes widened, “You don’t mean that.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Lupin.”

Remus looked hurt, like truly hurt. It was hard to hurt Remus Lupin, and when someone did he never took it lightly.

“Fine,” Remus snapped back. “You can regret me all you like, just let me fix you up first.”

Sirius didn’t say anything. Remus got the cloth and dipped in the antibiotics. Sirius hissed in pain when it touched his skin—Remus ignored him. They continued this back and forth dynamic. Remus cleaning his arm, and Sirius hissing in pain. That was until Remus got to the second G, and he gasped.

“How deep did they go?” he asked, horrified. Seemingly forgetting that he was supposed to be upset. 

Sirius just shrugged.

“I fucking mean it,” Remus snapped. “Be mad at me some other time. How. Deep. Did. Those. Bastards. Go?”

“I don’t know, okay!” Sirius cried angrily. “I wasn’t exactly making tabs, I was trying not to pass out!” 

Remus looked at his arm again, more carefully this time. He looked sick. Remus looked back up at him.

“I can see bone.”

Sirius shook his head, letting out a dry chuckle. “Wish I could say I’m surprised. Can you just clean it?” 

Remus nodded. The moment the cloth touched his wound he cried out. Remus pulled away and Sirius shook his head.

“Just do it,” he snapped.

Remus put the cloth back on his arm and he almost sobbed in pain. It didn’t exactly feel like when he was being carved into, but it was hardly better. He could tell Remus was trying to be gentle—more than what he deserved—but it still hurt like fucking hell.

Remus moved the cloth just a bit and Sirius cried out. He hated that he couldn’t just take a bit of pain. Remus was already doing way more than he needed him to, and here he was just being a big pussy.

“I’m almost done,” Remus said, in that same gentle tone. “Just hold on.”

So Sirius did. He didn’t make a single noise as Remus finished up his arm. He glanced at his arm and saw the red letters looking back at him—taunting him. He wished he had just stayed in. Then he wouldn’t have gone to the bar, he wouldn’t have had to walk home, and none of this would have happened. Remus finally got done and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. 

“I’m going to put medicine on it then bandage it, okay?”

Sirius just grunted in response.

He grit his teeth as Remus put the medicine on. Why did everything have to hurt now? Everything he did hurt and he was tired of it. He just wanted to go to bed and wake up and pretend this never happened. Remus finished that quicker. Then he bandaged it. Sirius was relieved when it was all covered up. This way he didn’t have to see what was forever carved into his skin. 

“Give me your other arm,” Remus said. 

Sirius did. Wincing as he moved it. Remus carefully untied the makeshift sling and  let Sirius’ arm lay out. Remus didn’t do anything for a few minutes. Both of them just sat in silence. It was like they were waiting for one of them to explode. 

“I’m sorry,” Remus eventually said.

Sirius’ head snapped up. What could Remus possibly be apologizing for? He had been perfect throughout all of this—even when Sirius was being a total asshole. There was literally no reason Remus needed to apologize. “For what?!”

Remus looked at him like he was stupid, “I wasn’t there.”

Really? That was idiotic.

“You couldn’t possibly have known. I go out at least once a week. No matter how you spin it, what happened to me isn’t your fault, okay?” Then Sirius added. “And ignore what I said earlier, I was in pain and being a bitch.”

“But—”

“No buts,” Sirius interrupted. “Can you just bandage me? I really want to go to bed.”

Remus nodded, still looking upset. 

He bandaged Sirius’ broken arm with regular bandages. They didn’t have a cast, but apparently they had a sling. Sirius had no memory whatsoever of having a sling just laying around their apartment. 

“Where’d we get that?” Sirius exclaimed.

Remus looked at him like he was stupid. “Seroiusly? Remember last year when James broke his wrist and had this sling. Then when he got out of it you promised to keep it forever.” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Oh yeah. . .” Sirius definitely remembered that now. 

Remus helped him get it on and in a comfortable position for his arm. It took a few minutes because every time they moved his arm, Sirius gasped in pain. Eventually though, they got it.

“Is that all of your injuries?” Remus asked. Sirius could tell that he was tired and emotionally exhausted but he knew he’d never say it out loud. 

“One of my ribs is broken but there’s not much we can do for that so yeah. . .”

Remus put his head in his hands. Sirius wished that he could take back everything he said earlier. He loved Remus so much he didn’t even know you could love someone in this way. It was so pure, so perfect, so caring. He didn’t understand how it could be a sin. 

“I’ll be okay,” Sirius promised. “Let’s just go to bed and deal with the rest in the morning, deal?”

Remus hesitated but eventually nodded. He helped Sirius off the couch and headed to their bedroom. Sirius immediately collapsed onto the bed, trying to wince. Remus sat down beside him after turning off the lights. 

“I’m soooo tired,” Sirius complained.

Remus laid next to him, “Yeah?”

“Mhm.”

“Come here,” Remus said, opening his arms. 

Sirius gladly rolled into him. Wincing as he did, but it was worth it. In Remus Lupin’s arms was one of Sirius’ favorite places to be. Along with James’ house. He curled closer to Remus. His broken arm against his chest and the other one framing Remus’ face. It hurt, but it was worth it.

“Padfoot?”

“Hmm?”

“What you said earlier,” Remus started, and Sirius wished he could take back every word. He hated the way Remus sounded so unsure and hurt. “About wishing you weren’t gay. About me not being worth it. Was it true?”

He sounded so fragile it broke Sirius’ heart. His thumb stroked Remus’ cheek, “No, of course not.”

“I would understand it if you do,” Remus rushed out, like he was scared Sirius would get up and leave. “It’s shit being like this, and I know you deserve way better than me and I—”

“Remus,” he interrupted. “Stop, okay. Yeah, it sucks being like this, and yeah most of the time I wish it was easier. Sometimes I will wish I was straight. But never, not once have I regretted being with you. I love you so much, Remus. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I’d take this all over again if it meant I could have you.”

Remus shook his head, “Don’t say that, I’m not worth that.”

“You are.”

“I’m no—”

Sirius shut him up with a kiss. Remus leaned into it, and Sirius couldn’t imagine anything else. How could he even live with himself if he didn’t have Remus. He’d take anything—any amount of pain and torture if it meant that he could hold Remus like this one more time.

“I love you,” Sirius breathed.

“I love you too,” Remus breathed back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius woke up and the first thing he felt was pain. He was confused at first. What the hell happened? Then everything from last night came back to him. He gasped and looked around for Remus. The room was empty. He was alone. 

Sirius was about to call out for him when the bedroom door opened and Remus came in. 

“You’re up,” Remus looked relieved.

“Yup, seems so,” Sirius quipped. When Remus didn’t look amused he asked, “How long was I out?”

“Not too long considering everything, it’s four right now,” Remus said. “I was just worried about how your body would react to that much trauma in such a short amount of time.”

“Well, I feel like shit,” Sirius told him.

Remus smiled, “I figured.” 

He came over to the bed and crawled over to Sirius. Sirius leaned into him, ignoring the fire in his ribs and arms. He could tell that Remus was tense, he knew that they needed to talk about what would happen moving forward, he knew that he couldn’t avoid this forever, but right now he didn’t want to think about any of that. He was safe, in Remus’ arms and he wanted to stay here forever. 

“Sirius?” 

“Mmm?” 

“You know we have to talk about last night, right?”

Sirius ignored the question and just cuddled into Remus. He didn’t want to think about any of what had happened. He wanted to move on and never think about it again. He wanted to forget anything ever happened. Though his arm made that pretty much impossible.

“No we don’t,” Sirius muttered back.

“Sirius. . .”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You can’t avoid this forever,” Remus told him.

“I’m getting coffee,” Sirius snapped, pushing out of Remus’ embrace and getting up. 

His arms really hurt. It hurt to walk, every step jarring his arms. By the time he got to the kitchen he had tears in his eyes. Remus was right behind him and he noticed. Of course he noticed. He had to notice everything about him.

“Go sit down, Sirius, I’ll make you coffee.”

Sirius wanted to argue, but he hurt too much to not let Remus make his drink. He sat down on the couch waiting for Remus to get it. Remus came over five minutes later with two coffees in his hands. He gave one to Sirius and he took it with his non-broken hand, wincing. Remus gave him all of one minute to enjoy his coffee before he started talking.

“What do you want to do about your arm?”

Sirius took another sip of his coffee, “Forget about it and pretend it’s not there.”

Remus put his coffee down and made Sirius do the same, “I mean it. You can’t just wear long sleeves for the rest of your life, and you haven’t said anything about the emotional weight of this other than wishing you weren’t gay.”

Sirius sighed, “Jesus Christ Remus, you sound like a therapist.”

“I’m right, though.”

Sirius just looked away, “I hate this. I don’t understand. We’re not doing anything to other people, we’re not hurting anyone, we’re just being ourselves, I don’t understand how that’s a sin.”

Remus sighed, “I don’t know either.”

“It’s not far,” Sirius sobbed. He didn’t know when he’d started crying, but Remus pulled him into himself. “This happens and they can just walk free because I deserve it for being with a man. I just want to be able to live without hiding. But I don’t regret being gay because I have you, but I want to be able to do things everyone else does. 

“I want to be able to hold hands in public. I want to be able to kiss in coffee shops. I want to be able to go on dates without dirty looks. I want to be able to be with you publicly. I want to get married, Remus.”

Remus just held him, Sirius thought he could hear Remus’ breath hitch, but he wasn’t sure. Remus pulled him closer, “I want that too.”

Sirius looked up at him, “You’d marry me?”

Remus smiled, “If we could, yeah, I think I would.”

God, he loved this man so much. He pulled back enough that he could kiss Remus more comfortably. It wasn’t anything big, just a small kiss, but there was meaning behind of it. When they pulled back, Remus’ eyes had tears in them. Sirius looked down at his hands, he had two rings on right now; one of them had a star on it—Sirius actually—and the other one was of the moon. He pulled back and took off the moon ring, wincing as he did so.

“Sirius. . . what?”

“We can’t get married, but we can promise ourselves to each other, Remus Lupin will you accept my promise ring?” He opened his palm and showed Remus the ring.

Remus’ eyes lit up, he took the ring and put it on, it fit perfectly, “Yeah, I will, Sirius Black.”

Sirius leaned forward and kissed him again, cupping his face, but being careful of his arms. “I love you so much, you know that?”

“I know,” Remus breathed back. 

When they separated, Sirius said what they were both thinking, “Maybe one day we’ll be able to get married.”

Remus smiled, it was sad but genuine, “Hopefully.”