Chapter Text
It was the day summer break started, otherwise known as one of the most chaotic days in the history of the Welton Academy school year. Every single boy was in their dorms, packing up their things for the long awaited break.
Charlie was throwing all of his things inside his suitcase, not even bothering to fold them. Ever since the play, he’d been off. No one (except maybe Neil) knew why, and Charlie was planning on keeping it that way.
“Someone’s ready for summer,” Cameron peeped from across the room, tossing his bag over his shoulder as he raised his eyebrows.
“Don’t even get me started, Cameron..” Charlie sighed, not even looking up at the boy as he continued on cleaning out his room. He stumbled across his hoodie– or, rather, Knox’s hoodie– hiding at the bottom of his remaining pile of clothes he was yet to pack inside his case. He hesitated before deciding he wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. “You heading out soon?”
Cameron nodded. “Yeah…you alright?” He took a step closer to Charlie but remained cautious, clearly noticing his hostility.
Charlie simply picked up the hoodie from the floor and threw it in Cameron’s direction. “Give this to Knox on your way out,” he said, ignoring the question.
“Uh–..okay, I guess, but..are you sure you’re good? You’ve been weird since Neil’s pla–”
“I’m fine, Cameron! Get out of my shit.”
Cameron quickly went back to the doorframe (where he was standing before) , jumping back at Charlie’s quick change in tone. He put his hands up in defense. “Woah–Char, chill out..”
“Richard Cameron!” Nolan called from the hallway, letting Cameron know that his parents were ready to pick him up.
“Alright, I’m leaving….have a good summer, Dalton.” Cameron gave a bit of a wave before leaving their dorm room, taking the hoodie with him.
Char.
Char.
The only other person to ever call Charlie that was..was Knox. It sent a shiver down his spine.
Charlie was glad that he got rid of the hoodie. And he was completely ready to get rid of anything else that reminded him of Knox.
“Charlie!!”
Charlie turned around to see none other than Neil Perry in his doorway. “Neil!!!” He ran over and gave him a hug, desperate for any way to distract his mind. But, to be fair, he knew he most likely wouldn’t see him until the start of next year, so he didn’t mind giving his best friend a hug. “I’ve told you a thousand times, the name’s Nuwanda.” By now, it was more of a joke than a serious thing. Besides, even if it was his preferred name like it was for the first week of using it, Charlie wouldn’t have cared in this situation.
Neil wrapped his arms around the shorter boy and squeezed tight as he laughed. “My father’s here. Let’s hope that no one told him about the play,” he said.
“Yeah, cheers to that,” Charlie replied, finally letting go. “Have a good summer. Don’t forget about me when you're out spending so much time with Todd.”
Neil smiled and blushed slightly. “Good luck with Knox.” He turned around and walked out of the door and into the hallway.
Charlie closed the door, knowing Neil was the last one he needed to say goodbye to..save for one very obvious person, who made Charlie’s heart race just thinking about him.
Knox.
What was there to say?
Charlie had cared for Knox for as long as he remembered. Since the day he strolled into Welton, nearly as nervous as Todd on his first day, Charlie knew there was something special about him. At that point, it had only been Charlie, Neil, Meeks, and Pitts in the group. Knox was the fifth to join (and really, he wasn’t given much of a choice, as Charlie had basically yapped his ear off until he agreed to be friends, and as soon as he said yes, he introduced him to the others).
Before Knox came into the picture, Neil and Charlie were as close as two friends could be. Meeks and Pitts were obviously great friends to him too, but everyone simply knew that the pairs in the group were Charlie and Neil, and Meeks and Pitts.
But soon, Knox arrived. Charlie still remained amazingly close to Neil, but…slowly taking over his mind was a new, unknown feeling. At first, Charlie thought it was just admiration, plus an overwhelming sense of wanting to be by his side. And, though that wasn’t untrue..the feeling kept growing.
It kept wanting more, and Charlie tried to ignore it for as long as he could. Even when he realized that his palms were sweaty and his heart raced every time he saw Knox, he tried to convince himself it was just his heart wanting to spend even more time with Knox.
Then there was the night of the play. Everything was going amazing, the whole group was ready to leave for the theatre–then Chris showed up. Charlie knew who she was even if he’d never seen her before in his life. Knox’s cheeks flushed and he took her outside to talk, which she rightfully seemed pissed about. All of the boys stood and started, and Charlie was the only one who couldn’t care less about the girl–infact, he wanted to get away from her as soon as possible. He had to physically push the boys past her, and it made him sick.
Knox didn’t even come to the show on time. And, of course, the one time Charlie decided to look over at him..he saw them holding hands. How was that even possible? How did Knox have any shot at getting with Chris after he followed her around like a lost dog, practically forced her to accept his love, and–oh, how could Charlie forget? Kiss her unconsensually. It still baffled Charlie every single time he thought about it, and he’d been sitting with this fact for months now.
That night, after the play, Charlie decided to talk to Neil about his overwhelming and confusing feelings. Neil actually revealed that he felt the same way about Todd before his realization; he loved him.
Neil told Charlie that if he was feeling the way that he was describing around Knox, it was most likely more than a friendly feeling.
And, oh, how it made sense.
Charlie wasn’t surprised with the fact that he liked boys at all. He was actually pretty accepting of the statement and thought it sounded accurate (though he was a bit confused, because he was sure he’d liked a girl before too). The thing that hurt him to think about, though, was the boy his body chose to love.
One of the many problems was...talking to Neil about it was hard enough. You could be put in jail if someone you didn’t trust knew you liked the same gender. It was seen as a mental illness. So..even if Charlie wanted to tell Knox how he felt..there was no way to guarantee that he would be okay with not only Charlie liking a boy, but that boy being him.
That was why Charlie decided to avoid Knox as much as he could. Since his breakthrough, he tried his best to not talk to him, sit next to him in class..Charlie even made an effort to not look his way.
Charlie knew it might’ve hurt him. But he knew he would have their friendship end like this rather than Knox denying his feelings and calling him slurs, or worse. He wouldn’t lose his friend like that.
So, instead, Charlie just spent every second of his time wallowing in his own self pity. He knew that, somehow, Knox and Chris were still together, and based on how hard Knox worked to get her, he wouldn’t give her up.
Charlie zipped up his bag. He was ready to take a break over the summer, just him and his thoughts that were slowly starting to make sense. He was moments away from sitting down on his bed when he heard a knock on the door.
Charlie froze. His first thought: Knox. It had to be him. Who else would it be? But soon, the rational part of Charlie’s brain (which came out very rarely) spoke up, reminding him that it was probably just one of his classmates or a teacher doing a sweep of everyone still there. A part of Charlie was scared (a large part, actually), but he knew it was inevitable.
He took a moment to ground himself before walking slowly toward the door and opening it with a shaky hand.
“What the fuck is this?”
Shit.
Knox came bursting into the dorm, not even waiting for Charlie’s approval. He was holding up the hoodie that Charlie had asked Cameron to deliver to the boy.
Charlie swallowed. He closed the door and desperately tried to come up with something to say without thinking about how much faster his heart was beating then compared to a minute before. “..I–”
“No. No, no, no, no. You’re the one that started this, okay? You’re the one that’s ignored me every time I’ve talked to you since the play. You’re the one pretending that I’m invisible, and I’m tired of it. You couldn’t even come up to my door directly to give this to me, no, you had to have Cameron deliver it like the coward you are.” Knox threw the hoodie at Charlie.
Charlie stayed silent as the hoodie fell at his feet. He could tell this was going to be a fun conversation.
“I don’t understand. I don’t understand,” Knox said, now looking more hurt than when Charlie first saw him. “Charlie, we’re supposed to be best friends. You’re supposed to be there for me when I need you, and vice versa. But ever since they play, that hasn’t been the case. You’ve completely stopped talking to me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t even know why you won’t, so here I am right now. I don’t wanna be stuck thinking about you the whole summer, so here I am, talking to you and telling you what I feel because you’re too afraid to do it yourself. You’re selfish, Charlie, if you think you’re the only one that’s being affected by your choices.”
Charlie thought about the different ways he could react, only briefly.
Unluckily, he was more of a fighter than a flyer.
“..I’m…” Charlie scoffed. “I’m sorry, I’m the selfish one? Aren’t you the one who’s stuck to this girl like glue, and has been despite her many resists?” He stepped closer to Knox, crossing his arms as he rolled his eyes.
“Oh–oh, but it’s okay for you to sneak multiple girls who no one knew into the cave without consulting anyone whatsoever? A–and what does Chris have to do with you and me?” Knox asked, copying Charlie in his movements. He was clearly already getting flustered, based on the way his cheeks flared up.
Charlie assumed one of the other poets had told him about that night, and he could only assume it hurt him so much to think about because of his feelings for Knox. But that wasn’t what he was worried about. Instead, he thought about himself and Chris and Knox.
“Knoxious, I’m nearly one thousand percent sure that the only reason she agreed to go out with you was because she felt sorry for you. Clearly she thought that you had nothing else going on in your sad little life and that was why you were obsessed with her. You still are. Haven’t you ever thought about asking her what she thinks?”
Charlie wished Knox asked him what he thought.
Knox stayed quiet for a bit, before responding. “The night of the play, I told her that if she didn’t like me afterwards, she’d never have to see me again. That was the deal, Dead Poets Honor.”
“Oh, and here you go again with that ‘Dead Poets Honor’ bullshit. That’s not even real, you just made it up to impress her.”
“T-that doesn’t mean it didn’t come from my heart, Charlie!”
“If you wanted to ‘honor’ her so much, why didn’t you stop chasing her after she made it clear that she had no interest?”
“Why do you care so much?” Knox asked, raising his voice.
Charlie didn’t answer, which gave both of the boys a minute to think.
“I–...I dunno..yeah, I was stupid. And I probably did things that I shouldn’t have, but look at where I am now. We’re in a good place, so clearly my determination counted for something in her book..”
“Do you really think this is gonna go somewhere?” Charlie asked.
Knox hesitated. “...There’s no point in hoping it won’t.”
“God, when will you learn, Knox? The world is a horrible place. Even if somehow you two really end up wanting each other, things happen. How many people do you know are married to the same person they spent high school with?”
Knox didn’t say anything.
“And what about Chet?”
Knox shook his head. “Don’t bring Chet into this–”
“I have to, Knox. Do you really think she lost all feelings for him in that one night? She probably still likes him now–”
“Chet was a bitch. Not just to me. To everyone. He doesn’t deserve anyone, and he certainly doesn’t deserve my Chris.”
Charlie raised an eyebrow and scoffed. “Oh, so she’s yours now? Yeah, I’m sure she’ll love that..”
“That’s not what I meant, Charlie, and you know it.” Knox gave Charlie a slight push.
“You probably aren’t even together anymore.” Charlie did the same to Knox. “I bet you broke up less than a day after becoming a couple and you’re just pretending so that it looks like your ‘hard work’ paid off.”
“Charlie, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Why can’t you just talk to me like normal? That’s all I want, and you’re making it so goddamn hard for no reason!” He took one more step closer to Charlie.
Like before, he followed. “Knox, the answer is right before your eyes! You’re just too focused on Chris to see it.”
“For the love of god, Charlie, tell me why you care about Chris so much!?”
No way in hell was Charlie going to tell him. Not like that.
So, naturally, instead, he punched him, right under the eye.
Knox stumbled back, clearly taken off guard by the punch. He winced in pain and looked at Charlie with the most betrayed expression he could manage without even thinking about it, his hand immediately covering the area that was hit.
“Charlie..” He said quietly. He could tell he wasn’t bleeding and hadn't broken any skin, but he knew he would develop a pretty gnarly bruise there over the next few days.
Well, it wasn’t like he had much of a choice.
Knox swung at Charlie’s jaw, but it wasn’t anything too powerful (especially with Charlie practically dodging it fully). Even if it was, Charlie probably would've fought through it anyway.
Charlie struck again but halfway expected Knox to dodge it. He tried, definitely, but he was not a fighter. So after Charlie hit his upper cheek, he tackled the boy onto the ground.
Subconsciously, Charlie wasn’t hitting Knox too hard. He loved the boy and didn’t want him to be in too much pain over the next few days, so he tried his best to not actually break any skin…but a few punches couldn’t do too much damage, could they?
Knox had no idea of this, though. Whatever he was receiving, he assumed was Charlie giving it his all for the reason which was still unknown to Knox. So when Charlie brought him to the ground, it was honestly kind of scary. Especially coming from his best friend.
Knox tried to get up but Charlie was quicker. He pulled the taller boy back down by the scruff of his shirt and, once he was able to, straddled the boy at his hips so he couldn’t get up.
Charlie looked down at Knox, trying to ignore the tension building up everywhere inside of him. He raised his right arm up and was fully ready to hit Knox once more–until he actually focused on his face.
Knox was scared, rightfully so. He was scared of the next punch, but more so, he was scared of the reason why Charlie wouldn't talk to him, not properly. That was all he wanted when he knocked on his door, a simple talk about what was happening between them before the school year was over so he wouldn’t be paranoid about it all summer. But instead, he was preparing to have his face pounded into the hard wood floor below him.
He closed his eyes tight and braced himself as he tried to convince himself that the tears welling up in his eyes were from the pain and anticipation of the next hit.
Something flipped inside of Charlie, and he wasn’t sure why. It could’ve been seeing Knox prepare for the punch, maybe the knowledge that the summer would be here soon and he probably wouldn’t see the boy in months. Possibly the chance to give Knox a taste of what he did to Chris, though he doubted it. Either way, Charlie barely had time to stop himself before he vigorously pressed his lips against Knox’s.
He savored the flavor and feeling and moment for just a second before realizing the reality of what he’d done. He felt Knox just barely shaking under him, which Charlie could only guess was..crying? He opened his eyes and saw Knox staring back at him with even wider, more watery eyes.
Holy shit.
The pair just stayed in place, frozen. They stared into each other’s eyes with a brilliant mix of different emotions, some positive, some negative, and most unknown. The only movement was the singular tear that ran down Knox’s cheek, that Charlie could only hope wasn’t because of him.
“Knox Overstreet!” Boomed Nolan’s voice from the hallway.
Charlie didn’t even register what he heard until Knox shifted below him, breaking their moment of whatever it was. He swallowed and quickly got up, trying as hard as he could to touch Knox the minimum amount. He just stood there and watched as Knox slowly got up and brushed off his clothes. He reached for the hoodie still by the door, hesitated, and eventually picked it up. He wiped the tear off of his cheek before opening the door, gave Charlie one last look that the boy couldn’t make out before grabbing the bags he left outside of the door and walking off like nothing had happened.
Charlie stood there. And he stood there more. Some parts of his brain were going a thousand miles an hour, while others were thinking nothing at all.
How could he do that?
How could he do that?
Instead of talking like a normal person, Charlie, of course, had to go and kiss his best friend. His best friend. Sure, he was upset with him..but now Charlie was sure he’d never want to talk to him ever again.
Now the only possible thing Charlie could do was wait.