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You’ve always been depressed since you could remember. You have your good days and bad days and sometimes there is enough going on for you to ignore it. But this time, you can’t. You don’t know what you did or when it starting coming around again all you knew was every morning you started the day wishing you had died in your sleep. You can’t get out of bed and the noise everyone seemed to define as conversation was only making it worse.
Your lazy and stupid and will never amount to anything. According to the voice in your head sounding exactly like your mother when she said those words to you. You’re not the type of family to talk about feelings and you weren’t about to start even though you know the team wouldn't react the same way you didn't want to lose your new family as well. Whenever you had panic attacks she would tell you you’re overdramatic so how can you begin to explain the mess in your head to anyone without her reacting the way you had been used to.
You knew your mother didn’t like you. She didn’t mean to get pregnant with you, is pro-life (ew p.s. I AM NOT MY MOTHER), and when you were five it was decided unanimously by you and your siblings you were the one she dislikes the most of all.
But what if she’s right? What if you aren’t enough?
“Y/n?” JJ questions shaking your arm a bit and snapping you out of your thoughts.
“Mm?” You respond confused.
“You alright?” She asks gently and you just nod in response giving her what you hope passes off as a genuine smile. They all have their own things to deal with, being an FBI agent let alone one in the BAU was never easy for anyone on the team. The killers you take down have left everyone with serious trauma and you didn’t want to make them worry about you.
JJ gives you a confused look before returning to looking at the board where Penelope was finishing up the overview of a case.
“Ok everyone wheels up in fifteen.” Hotch says leaving.
Shit you didn’t get any of that, you’ll have to go over the files yourself while planning on the jet. Upon walking out the round table room you catch Spencer.
“Hey Spence um I kinda zoned out there, what’s the case?” You ask apologetically.
“We are heading to Tampa where three girls have been found in different dump sites with their eyes carved out of their head and their fingers gone. The most recent vic was found about 5 hours ago they called us in immediately.
“Oh ew.” You say unable to stop yourself which gets a breath of a laugh out of Spencer.
“Yeah you think we’d be used to hearing that stuff.” He adds.
“Right? But nope still gets me squirmy.” You say letting a shudder run through you as you look at the crime scene photos.
“Agreed.” Spencer says as you both head to the jet. Everyone sits down and once in the air you all take off your seatbelts and begin to facetime Penelope for any more info.
As horrible as it sounds you’re thankful your job isn’t the kind to ever get slow due to the fact it gives you something to focus on. Something more evil then your thoughts. Someone worse then you to put away.
After a week you find the Unsub a man named Rodney Jordan and head to the location Garcia had sent to your phones. Once there you all go inside to see the house built like a maze inside clearly he had known we were coming to him.
“Prentiss, JJ, and L/n take that way. Morgan, Reid, and Lewis there. Rossi and I will go this way. It might take a bit to find our way to him but if you do alert the others. He’s dangerous.” Hotch instructs and we all go off on the different paths.
Em, JJ, and you start our way finding a door to the basements and screams coming from down there. Emily and you head down and find Rodney there gun already to the victims head her screaming to us for help before he hits her to shut her up.
“Don’t come any closer!” He yells. “I’ll do it!”
“Rodney hey we’re gonna stay over here.” Emily says putting her hands up and her gun back in the holster leaving it unfastened just incase. JJ finally comes into view previously alerting the team to our whereabouts and situation.
“Is there a reason you choose her?” JJ asks. The Unsub was discovered to have a type of course. Women with brown hair, green eyes, thin but tall. No signs of sexual assault or sexual pleasure in general from the kills, We discovered, or Penelope discovered, that his mother abused him his whole childhood and upon finding a picture from before her death almost matched each victim perfectly.
“N-no of course not.” He stutters while looking like he fully believes his own lie.
“Nothing to do with your mom maybe?” Emily asks carefully.
“NO OF COURSE NOT I HATE HER SHE’S DEAD!” He yells and the three of us exchange worrying glances at the escalation.
“Exactly Rodney she’s gone. You’re ok, she can’t hurt you.” You say.
“No one knew. She died and everyone called her a saint. A SAINT!” He yells.
“We know what she did to you. It’s ok we know she wasn’t.” Emily speaks up once more. “She hurt you didn’t she?”
“Yes. She was a monster and so are all women!” He yells turning the gun onto you instead making JJ and Emily on high alert while the rest of the team rushes in to see.
“You don’t want to do that Rodney trust me.” Hotch says and he starts pointing it around wildly.
Rossi shoots the hand holding the gun causing him to drop it and release the women in shock, Morgan rushing forward to put him in handcuffs and Emily grabbing the sobbing woman.
Once the day ends and we are all on the jet I’m sitting across from Emily and JJ talking quietly while the rest of the teams sleeps except Hotch who is just resting his eyes.
“That was something.” You comment letting out a huff.
“Yeah that could’ve gone worse though.” JJ shrugs.
“I had a gun pointed at me!” You laugh.
“But he never shot it.” Emily jokes back making us laugh. “Seriously though, you ok?” She checks.
“Yeah it’s not the first time the unsub has done that. Hell some actually shoot.” You shrug. Working as a profiler means you have been shot once or twice but so has everyone else. Even Penelope which still makes your blood boil even thinking about it.
Speaking of her once you all land she is waiting by your desks as usual.
“Oh my baby I heard the crazy man pointed the gun at you.” She rushes over hugging you.
“I’m fine Ray.” You say calling her the nickname you had been calling since your first year working together. It started as you calling her a ray of sunshine and became shortened over the years.
“And thank god!” She expresses making you all laugh.
“Drinks anyone?” Rossi offers.
“Please.” You say among other yesses from the group and you all head out.
Once at the bar your friend Enzo works at, you go over to him and he looks over at you smiling.
“Strong.” Is all you say and he smiles making you something he knows you’ll like.
You take the first sip thankful for the burn down your throat and see him looking.
“Can I help you?”
“What’s up?”
“My life is a mess and I almost got shot and five girls are dead.” You say and he frowns knowing how you tend to be after cases.
“That’s not your fault.”
“Two of them died while we were investigating.” You argue.
“But you stopped it before the numbers rose even more. He’s dead or in jail or however you fixed it because you and your team fixed it.”
“Still. Sometimes I wish there was a way to stop it without anyone innocent having to go down as well.”
“Then you’d be out of a job.”
“But less people would die and I would take it as a win.”
“I’m sorry. But anyhow you almost got what today? Do I need to give you another safety lecture because I fucking will.” He says making you laugh.
“Nah it wasn’t my fault this time. We were trying to de-escalate the situation while waiting for the rest of team and he got a little angry.”
“Jeez. Please don’t die.”
“I try my hardest.” You say finishing the drink.
“Ok here.” He says handing you your usual favorite. “Switch to that before your girlfriends have to carry you out tonight.
“Shut up!” You argue blushing. “We are just friends.” I say knowing he was talking about Emily and JJ.
“Mhm, yeah, and I’m a millionaire who bartends for shits and giggles.” He nods.
“Exactly.” I smile before heading to the table everyone was at.
“I’m back.” I giggle and sit down.
“How much did you have already?” Morgan questions.
“I don’t really know to be honest I just told Enzo to make it strong downed it and then he said to switch to these so prolly a lot.” You laugh holding up the bottle in your hand.
“Have you eaten today?” JJ asks.
“We didn’t have time.” You lie with a shrug. Truth is everyone else found time and you probably could’ve had lunch should you have wanted to but unfortunately your thoughts told you that you didn’t even deserve to eat much less while people were out there dying.
“Well then of course you already seem drunk then. You’re going to throw up later.” Spencer says matter-of-factly.
“Ew no don’t say that! You’re going to curse me.” You say. Everyone on the team knew you had a fear of throwing up and any time you did usually ended up in a panic attack. It was so bad even the sound of someone else made you shake.
“How do you hunt and face serial killers daily but throw up is where you cross the line?” Tara jokes.
“We don’t question anything about me it just leads to more questions.” You joke back finding yourself very funny in your tipsy state. Everyone laughs again more at how you can’t control your own laughter then the joke itself.
“Ok it’s not funny anymore.” You say immediately locking in with a straight face only making everyone laugh more and your thought returning.
They are laughing at you not with you. How can you live with yourself. You’re just a screw-up. Not even your own team likes you.
You press down on your thigh where there were some cuts from the night before last and you feel the pain bringing you back to reality. No one knew about your self-harm and you didn’t want them to. It would only mean getting kicked off the team and maybe even fired if they knew you weren’t stable enough. Like anyone else on the team was.
You go back over to Enzo after finishing that drink.
“More please I don’t feel drunk.” You say.
“Is that the goal?” He questions.
“It is tonight if you are about to ask if I’m ok, all is well I just need to not be here fully tonight.” You admit.
“If anyone else said that to me I’d be cutting them off.”
“Good thing we’re buddies. Shots?” I beg.
“I can’t while at work.” He says having this argument with me before.
“But you get off in thirty minutes and we know Claud doesn’t care.” I convince him. Claudia was the owner of the bar and since I’ve been coming here since Enzo got a job here at 21 we’ve become close with her and so we can get away with some things.
“Fine but only a few. You’re lucky Jensen said he’s pick me up tonight while my car is at the shop.” He says.
“Your car is in the shop? Oh this is perfect then!” I say laughing as he pours shots for us. I take three back to back before downing some juice he gave me as a chaser.
“You scare me. That’s like just straight alc and you took three before a chaser. I would’ve done unspeakable things.” He says using that phrase instead of throwing up.
“I’m special.” I giggle drunkenly.
“Oh I’m well aware.” He nods before going to help other people and I head back over to the group leaning my head on Penelope’s shoulder.
“Hey sweets you sleepy?” She asks.
“No just wanted touch.” You admit and she knew it helped ground you so she leans her head atop yours as she follows the conversation.
You giggle here and there not to anything in particular feeling happier then you have in weeks. If you weren’t so drunk you would’ve realized how bad it had gotten when you had forgotten what happy felt like and instead started confusing it with unnatural happiness.
You make your way onto the sidewalk with the rest of them you get into the three cars (with sober ones in the drivers seat) you took to get here and go off. Once you were realizing what was happening around you you notice JJ and Emily in the front seat while you were stretched out in the back.
“Hi!” You say happily stopping their whispered conversation for JJ to look back at you.
“Well hello.” She laughs seeing you sitting up close to the front of your seat and smiling big.
“I love you guys.” You giggle and the team was used to hearing you say that to them all platonically. All it took was a near death experience for one of them and you decided to always let them know just incase.
“We love you too.” She says and you sigh pouting in the backseat.
“Why are you upset at that?” Emily asks looking into the review mirror at you.
“Becauseeeeee.” You argue.
“I think you need to go to bed you’re making no sense.” She laughs.
“I make a lot of sense to me because I’m the one talking.” You argue. “OH MY GOD! I have my bed at home. Man I love my bed.” You saying getting excited after a week of not sleeping much and in a hotel room nonetheless.
“Yep we’re taking you home to your bed.” JJ agrees nodding and you laugh.
“That’s good.” You say and watch the world around you slowly spinning. “My teeth hurt.” You comment.
“What?” You hear one of them question.
“I don’t know alcohol makes me hyperaware of things and I can feel every atom in my teeth.” You complains.
“Right.” One of them nods and you know they have just accepted the answer but didn’t fully understand.
“Man I should not have gotten this drunk. I’m gonna cry in the morning.” You announce after only letting the car settle into silence for two seconds.
“Then why did you?” Emily asks.
“Yeah you usually don’t get this drunk.” JJ agrees and you shrug.
“Things happen and if I’m drunk they happen less.” You say having only enough filter to make your comment vague but not enough to stop talking entirely.
“Things like what?” JJ asks still worried about you from the other week. She knew it was a fake smiling and that mixed with your current state made her want to help.
“Mean things that piss me off.” You grumble.
“Like?” She asks again.
“Nothing, leave it alone.” You respond ruder then you meant to.
The car was silent the rest of the ride and once they had helped you to bed and left, you fell asleep almost immediately knowing you wouldn’t remember anything in the morning.
The next morning you walk into work with sunglasses and your smoothie you always drank to keep away a hangover and the nausea away as well. getting a few laughs from the desks around you.
“All of you shut up unless you have something useful to remind me of last night.” You whisper the world around you much too loud.
“You just sat there and giggled.” Morgan says. “No talking just giggling to yourself.”
“Until we got in the car and you didn’t stop talking until the last 5 minutes to your house.” Emily says.
“You brought me home? Thanks.”
“It was me and JJ and you’re welcome.” She laughs.
Over the next month you make more cuts on yourself every time there’s a case. One for every victim and there’s barely any more room on your thighs. You want to cut on your arms due to knowing it hurt more from your teen years with depression but thought it would be too obvious if you always wore long sleeves around profilers. Honestly you’re surprised no one already knew. You might not have a choice soon with how many cases you’ve been getting recently.
You also notice your usual clothes getting bigger on you and falling easier but not when you look in the mirror. Then they look tight to your body showing off every piece of fat you want to cut off your body not caring as long as you become more thin.
Work has gotten worse to wake up to each morning as you’re always surrounded by death and horrible people you have to go find.
You can see the worried glances the team cast your way but they haven’t said anything to except asking if you’re okay and honestly you’re starting to get really tired of that question.
“I got a case.” Penelope informs you all and you go to the round table room sitting down with everyone else.
“So this case is from a small town in Oklahoma named Spiro.” She says speaking more but you can’t listen. You grew up in Spiro and you knew most of your old friends were there which would be nice once the case if over to see them but some members of your family as well. Nosy ones who would definitely be at the police station at the same time.
You listen to the rest of the case overview trying not to focus on the anxiety bubbling up in your stomach. You haven’t spoken to anyone in your family in years mostly due to going no contact with your mother and having to separate from everyone else so she would leave you alone.
Unfortunately for you the anxiety only gets worse and makes you nauseas which makes you more anxious and before getting on the jet you use the restroom and throw up. JJ and Emily happened to also need the bathroom and through the stalls they hear you.
“Y/n?” JJ asks worriedly but you can’t get any words out too deep in a panic attack to even hear them calling your name. Emily comes under the door unlocking it for JJ and they both are in the stall seeing your current state.
“Y/n. I need you to look at me ok?” JJ says gently taking your hand and putting it on her chest. “Try and match your breath to mine.” She instructs and you shake your head before turning back to the toilet and throwing up once more feeling one of the women behind you pulling you hair back for you and you’re ok for a second before your breathing gets shaky again.
“N/n, can you hear me?” Emily asks and you nod.
“Ok good can you try and tell me 5 things you can see maybe?” She asks and you look around wildly trying to name anything.
“U-um y-you, JJ,” You stutter out around your erratic breathing. “Toilet, door, me.” You continue trying your hardest to figure out the task at hand.
“That’s good, you’re doing so well sweetheart, how about 4 things you feel?” JJ encourages.
“You,” You answer again easily still feeling JJ’s chest rising and falling calmly beneath your palm. “The floor, the toilet is cold.” You say recognizing the feeling under your arm still holding it just incase. “And then the clothes on me.” You finish shakily.
“3 things you can hear?”
“The talking um,” You try to listen more pulling you closer to reality and you see both of them smile at you. “I can hear stuff going on in the office, and the AC coming through the vents.” You add looking to the source of the noise near you on the floor.
“That’s great, 2 things you smell?”
You flush the toilet immediately noticing it smelt like throw up which made you nauseas once more.
“Ok that and?” Emily refocuses you.
“That and whatever air freshener is going in here.” You answer.
“Lastly 1 thing you can taste?”
“After taste of my coffee this morning and whatever just came out of me.” You answer and they laugh. You take a deep breath finally feeling like yourself once more. “Sorry.” You apologize.
“Don’t be sorry. You feeling alright?” JJ checks releasing your hand to feel your forehead.
“I’m fine it was anxiety.” You admit.
“About something in particular or just anxiety?”
“Just anxiety.” You lie getting up from the floor and they follow.
“Hey everything alright?” Hotch asks as we board the jet where everyone else was waiting.
“Yeah sorry I threw up it ended how we think it would.” I say.
“Are you sick? You can stay” He offers.
“No I’m fine.” I argue
“You threw up though?” Spencer says.
“God forbid it was a one off.” You say trying to prove you’re ok.
“They’re fine enough to work a case.” Emily speaks up and changes the subject to your current case.
Upon landing you set up in the room the local police had offered for the investigation and they tell you the witness to one of the newer vics is waiting to talk to us.
Once we walk into the room you see your little sister and you both stare at each other for a moment before she launches out the chair to give you a hug beginning to cry. Whether from seeing you or from what she witnessed you don’t know but you hold her tighter anyhow. Your little sister was your favorite person in your family and in general so not talking to her was the worst but you knew she was loyal to your mother and you couldn’t take it anymore. She was the only reason you went no contact at 22 instead of 18.
“I’m so sorry.” You apologize for it all. “You shouldn’t have seen what happened.” You say hoping to sharpen her focus to the event.
“Do you two?” Lewis asks gesturing between you and the now 18-year-old still attached to you.
“This is my little sister Aurelia.” You admit.
“Oh? I didn’t know you had a little sister.”
“I have three siblings I just haven’t spoken to them in a bit.” You admit feeling horrible now with your sister back in your arms.
“It was mean but we understand why you did it.” She tells me.
“Thanks.”
“I’ve been trying to move out now that I’m 18.” She admits.
“You’re coming home with me.” You joke making it sound like the meme and she laughs like you wanted her to wiping her eyes.
“Can I actually?” She asks.
“Oh hell yeah trust I of all people understand wanting to get away.”
“Oh yeah she’s here because she didn’t want me coming alone but they said she wasn’t allowed in the interview room so watch out.” She warns.
“Who is?” Hotch asks high alert.
“My mom. Nothing to do with the case just a mean lady.” You reassure him.
“Your mother is here?”
“I’m fine to work the case and have absolutely zero bias trust me.” You defend.
He shrugs.
“Anyhow tell us what you saw. Best you can remember ok?” You say gently as you sit down.
She describes the event to you all and you have to hold back your own tears. You’ve always been protective about her and yet you couldn’t protect her from this. She’s never going to forget it either.
You could’ve if you didn’t cut them off. You could’ve been here for her. Your thoughts supply helpfully.
You put you arm around her letting her cry into you for a bit.
Once we leave the room my mother is right outside.
“D/n” (Dead name) “What’re you doing here?” She asks mad.
“I’m doing my job Ma.” You sigh.
“You’re job?” She scoffs. “No chance you work in the FBI, why would they take someone like you? Isn’t it supposed to be for mature, smart people?”
Upon hearing that both Tara and Hotch look between the two of us but before either of them can say anything you speak to them.
“I got this, you guys go help the rest of the team build the profile. They probably have set out to the crime scene.” You tell them half begging and upon a reassuring nod from you they go.
“You’ve gained weight.” She says.
“I see you’re still you.” You reply.
“I’m just saying that diet you were on a few years ago was good. You should redo it. All you’ve done is gained it all back.” She argues.
“Do you mean the eating disorder I had as a teenager?!” You respond shocked.
“Oh please you were being overdramatic.” She rolls her eyes.
“You had to yell at me to eat dinner daily and I passed out more then once. Even Nana texted you to make sure I was eating because of how bad it was.” You argue back both your voices raising slightly.
“You were acting like a child!”
“I’m not the immature one you are!”
“Oh right because I cut off my family like a spoiled brat.”
“Because if I talked to you more I would’ve ended my shit!”
“You know I don’t like when you joke like that.” She crosses her arms.
“It’s not a joke and it never was I just stopped telling you because I got in trouble when I did.”
“This is why I’m glad you’re not in my life anymore. You don’t deserve it.”
“I know that’s what you think.”
“I never liked you. I kept you around cause I had to and you’re not even grateful!”
“Oh I’m so sorry mother thank you for making me feel like an outsider in my own family and putting a roof over my head like you’re legally supposed to.” You respond sarcastically.
“You’re a disgusting human. I wished you stayed talking to us because then you wouldn’t be here.”
“Wow.” You say actually speechless. Although it has gone through your mind you didn’t think she had this must disdain for you. You walk away not giving her another minute with you and enter the case room.
“All ok? It looked like it got heated in there?” Tara asks.
“Welcome to the reason for my anxiety throw up earlier.” You confess. “Anyhow what’s going on with the case I don’t wanna think about her right now.” You distract and they explain to you what was found at the crime scenes.
That night you call Enzo.
“Hey where are we calling from this time.” He greets.
“I was forced into a convo with my mother who told me to relapse on my eating disorder and also that she wishes I killed myself.” You answer and it’s silent for a second.
“WHAT?” He answers making you laugh.
“Literally my reaction I had to walk away but I saw Relia and she’s coming back to D.C. with me.” You say.
“Oh well that’s good I missed her.” He said having been my friend since we were kids and knowing everything about my mother since he saw all the breakdowns from it over the years.
“Yeah and turns out she didn’t want me and I was right because she only kept me around cause she felt like she had to. I actually never did anything to her.”
“See I told you it wasn’t you.” He assures me.
“Yeah I guess she really is the problem.” You agree and the two of you talk a bit more before you lay in bed trying to sleep. You toss and turn for a few hours your stomach rumbling before remembering the two victims of the day and grabbing the blade you always kept with you, heading to the bathroom and turning the light on.
You sit on the edge of the tub bringing your pj pants down enough to try and find some room seeing none and instead raising your sleeves. You make two new cuts and a few more to help get your mothers words out your head before running it under hot water and placing some paper towel over it once you couldn’t handle the burn anymore.
After that you exhaustedly lay down and finally drift off to a nightmare filled sleep per usual.
At the end of the case you stay an extra day or two for your friends and so Aurelia can pack her stuff without Mother getting suspicious.
~POV Change~
“You’re going to need a new phone if you don’t want her to have your contact.” I inform her as she told me about thinking about cutting off our Mother as well. “But I want you to be 100% sure because your relationship ends there and you can’t really get it back. Don’t just do it cause I did or it’s what you think I want. I want you to be happy with what you decide. I don’t mind if Mom knows where I live if it means you still talk to her.” I add.
“Not really. She’s become a bitch to everyone. All she cares about nowdays is going to her bf’s house.”
“Shit I’m sorry honey.” I apologize.
“It’s fine. Like I said I understand and I’m glad to get out. I’ll let my friends know I’m getting a new number and write their numbers down so I can contact them and leave my phone here.” She says.
“You sure?” I ask for the millionth time that day.
“Yes I’m sure.” She smiles at me. “And thank you for letting me come stay with you.”
“I’ll do anything for you. I’ve told you a million times and it’ll never change.”
“What did mom want the other day? I saw you two talking.”
“Oh it was just her usual attitude of I’m never good enough for her standards.” I sigh.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault so stop apologizing stank.” I say using my old nickname for her.
“Ok whatever get out Mom is home soon.” She says practically dragging me out her room. She never was a fan of that nickname but still has a smile.
I meet up with some friends at a park that night.
“Hello my loves!” I say cheerfully hugging all three of them.
“Hey fed is it cool if I hit my pen or you gonna arrest me?” Tyler asks to laughter.
“Ha ha, I’ll only arrest you if you don’t gimmie a hit.” I joke back.
He hands it to me and the four of us spend the evening fried off our asses laughing about old memories.
“Thought you weren’t allowed to smoke?” Lacey questions.
“I’m not but by the time I get back it’ll be gone from my system.” I explain. “I just can’t have it in my system on the job. Although I forgot how good getting high was because I just didn’t. I def am gonna need a pen before I leave.”
“This one is on me then.” Tyler agrees. “You deserve it keeping me in buisness when we were younger and from helping us not get killed.”
“Aw my hero.” I joke
A few days later Aurelia and I get home, and I have my two new pens on me.
When I go to work a few days later I slip the pen in my bag for after but for once we don’t have a case and knowing it’s there makes me want it that much more. I slip off to the bathroom and get high trying to make sure to not hotbox the place and instead focus on getting the smoke to go away and once I feel the comforting high take over I put the pen back in my pocket and go back out to the bullpen where the others were chatting.
“Y/n you just missed it I did the little physics trick and it got serious reach!” Spencer says excitedly.
“Oh dammit but nice lemme see.” He says and it lands right in front of me.
“Wow that’s impressive.” I say laughing in my high state picking it up and bringing it to him unable to stop laughing to looks from everyone else.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m laughing.” I say still giggling but now mixed with out of breath. I take a few deep breaths.
“Ok lock in.” I say to myself and smiling to everyone. “Life is great.”
“Uh-huh, are you ok?” JJ asks.
“I’m having a great time. Can we go for a walk I have too much energy.” I say beginning to slightly jump in place. My pen was definitely sativa. “I wanna go talk to people.”
“You? Want to go have unnecessary conversations?” Morgan questions.
“Yes which I admit is odd but I need something stimulating.” I respond stopping my jumps and instead jittering with my hands.
“Ok? We’ll go grab some lunch or something?” Emily said JJ offering to come as well.
“Yes! Oh my god that was a great idea I’m so hungry.” I admit. My munchies winning over my disordered thoughts that have come back every since Mother reminded me of them. I was already not eating much but now I only do to survive trying to still do something right in her eyes.
JJ informs Hotch that are going for a bit and he says it’s alright but keep our phones on incase a case comes in.
We head out on a walk to a sandwich shop and bakery a few blocks down we frequent when it’s just the three of us. I practically skip down the sidewalk talking about anything that comes to my mind to the others and going on a million different rants at top speed. Once we make it to the bakery I look at everything craving it so bad but knowing the calories aren’t worth it.
I get myself a small sandwich taking in bread calories and the brownie and add it up in my head with how much I’m gonna have to work out later to keep this from showing on my body.
“You’re being odd today.” Emily states once we had sat down.
“Yeah way more energy then we’re used to.” JJ adds. “Not that it’s a bad thing of course!” She reassures me.
“Well I don’t know I guess I’m just happy today.” I lie.
“Well good. We were worried about you.” She smiles and I feel more heat rush to my face then there already was.
“You guys don’t have to worry. I promise.”
“I know but we care about you.” JJ says tucking a strand of hair behind my ear making me giggle.
“Sorry.” I say it coming out a bit quieter then I meant to and she just smiles.
“It’s alright sweetheart.” She smiles and I just giggle again at the pet name.
I eat the food trying to be slow to enjoy it but it’s also so good so I down it at a faster pace then usual and I wait for them to finish as well and we head back. The sidewalk we are on has almost no one and an idea pops into my head.
I do a cartwheel successfully and giggle looking back at them.
“Still got it.” I laugh but they aren’t looking at my expression they’re looking at where my sleeve rolled up slightly and where you can see a cut from a few nights ago. Healed over slightly but obviously new and Emily takes my arm raising the sleeves.
“Y/n?” She asks carefully and I take it back completely knocking me out of my high and leaving me irritated.
“It’s nothing.” I cover.
“That is not nothing Y/n.” JJ says. “We can’t just ignore it.”
“I don’t wanna be kicked off the team! It’s a few cuts I won’t do it anymore.” I argue mentally adding the ‘to my arms’ but not saying it aloud.
“Y/n.” Emily says again.
“Stop just saying my name!”
“Why did you even do this?” JJ asks trying to hold back tears making me feel horrible.
Not even the girls you like are going to look at you the same again. You’re such a failure. You must’ve subconciously let them roll up for attention. Why do you always need attention. Just keep them out of it.
“Y/n.” JJ says again bringing me out of my thoughts.
“My mom was in Spiro where we did that case. That’s why my little sister came back with me. My mom isn’t a good person nor has she ever liked me and so seeing her and hearing her say all the stuff she used to before I went no contact made me a little crazy but I’m ok now I swear.” I say convincingly and both look at me trying to decide if I’m being truthful or not. Best part about being a profiler myself though is knowing exactly how to trick them.
“Ok fine we won’t tell Hotch if you let us check if your arms to make sure when we want and you take some time off. Lord knows you have enough PTO since you never even call out sick let alone take an actual vacation.” Emily suggests looking at JJ who agrees.
“I don’t need a vacation.” I complain.
“No but you do need to take a step away from the job and focus on your mental health.” JJ says.
“And all we’re asking you to do is take time off. We’re still all gonna come bother you, you can’t get rid of anyone on that team if you tried.”
“Still I wanna help.” I say.
“You can help when you’re okay first. You come first.” Emily says and I roll my eyes.
“Fine I’ll talk to Hotch when we get back.” I relent as they walk with me back to the BAU.
Once there I try to go back to my desk and they give me a look so I go to the office knocking before getting the okay to come in and sitting at his desk.
“I need time off. How much PTO do I have right now.”
“Is everything alright?” He asks setting down the pen he was previously using to focus fully on me.
“…yeah?” I respond
“You hesitated and didn’t even try to sound like it.”
“Well cause I’m not but like give me a few weeks and I’ll be good.” I say.
“You have about a month of PTO and I’m checking up on you and you better answer.” He smiles
“Yes sir,” I reply and smile back.
“Alright get outta here before we get a case. I better not see you here for the whole month.” He says and I go to my desk grabbing my bag.
“Where are you going?” Spencer asks.
“I have a month of PTO to get rid of.” I say.
“You’re taking a vacation?” Morgan says surprised knowing I hate being away from here and not knowing what’s going on.
“Yeah I’m gonna help Aurelia get comfortable here and honestly I’m tired.” I lie but leave a little bit of truth in there.
“Alright, imma bug you about all else though.” Morgan says.
“I wouldn’t expect anything else.” I smile heading to Penelopes office.
“Hi Hotch told me you’re using your PTO.” She smiles hugging me. “Please relax and do not ask me what’s going on because I will not be able to lie and I want you to relax without thinking about cases.”
I laugh and hug her back. “I won’t and I’ll be back before you know it. Also I expect visitation and still being invited for after case drinks.” I tell her and she agrees.
“I’ll drive you home.” JJ offers and I agree hoping into the car with her.
“Please call me if you feel the need to do that again.” JJ pleads.
“I’m not gonna do it again. But if I feel the need to call you.” I say not planning on actually following through.
“Thank you. I’m serious though Y/n. Em and I care about you a lot and we’re really worried.”
“I know and I’m sorry for worrying you I didn’t mean for my sleeve to raise.” I apologize.
“That’s not why we’re worried about you. We were worried because you didn’t go to someone about it.”
“It’s fine.” I say getting irritated again and searching my bag to make sure my pen was still there and taking a deep breath once I see it there.
“Can I ask you something?” She asks.
“Depends on what you’re about to say.”
“Are you eating. Like I know you just did but um- normally?”
“What?”
“It’s just a question. You’ve lost weight and it made everyone nervous.” She admits.
“So what? You all just talk about what’s wrong with me when I’m not there?” I argue.
“It wasn’t like that and you know it.”
“I am!”
“Y/n.” She says and I know I’m caught.
“I tried.”
“But it didn’t work?”
“Yeah. I used to struggle with it, and I thought I was fine, but it caught up to me.” I admit picking at my hand which she takes away putting it in hers.
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“Like I said I didn’t want to get kicked off the team and also I was worried about the reaction.”
“The reaction?”
“I’m not doing it for attention or because I’m weak or childish or-” I say rattling off the reasons my mom always gave me for doing it but she interrupts me.
“Whoa whoa we know you wouldn’t what’re you talking about?” She responds slightly alarmed at my outburst.
“Well, that’s what I’m usually met with.”
“Who the fuck said that to you?” She says almost disgusted.
“My mother.”
“Your mother is a horrible person.”
“I fully agree.” I nod.
“Well, that’s dumb and you shouldn’t think that. You’re struggling and it’s real and it’s not your fault.” She says bringing tears to my eyes and she squeezes my hand a bit knowing I want to leave the conversation there.
“Make sure you eat. And I’m making sure as well when I can.”
“I will. Do you care if I hit my pen.” I say since my window was already open.
“Your what? Are you smoking weed?” She asks. “Oh my god you were high earlier?!” She says pulling over at the realization.
“I swear that was the first time I’ve ever been high there and only cause we had no cases.” I defend.
“AND? You still were smoking on the job and what if we did get a case?”
“Then it would’ve worn off on the jet or I could just chew some pepper.” I say.
“Pepper?”
“Yeah if you chew up pepper and spit it out it can significantly decrease your high even enough to be sober.” I inform her having used to do it all the time when my mom came home or when I was close to greening out.
“How do you know that? Do you smoke often? Are you addicted to weed?”
“JJ calm down I’m not addicted I used to do it in high school and college and then I was fine then we went back to Spiro and my friend gave me two pens for the road.”
“So you really don’t smoke on the job?” She confirms and I nod.
“Still y/n it’s horrible for you and you can easily get addicted to it again. Give me it.”
“Hell no I have the month off I’m gonna smoke.” I argue.
“Fine but no more pens. Please. I will tell Hotch to drug test you.” She tries to convince me.
“Fine, fine, after my time off no more pens.” I agree also not wanting to get addicted again.
“Thank you.” She says and starts driving again this time while holding my hand.
Once she drops me off I get home going to Aurelias room.
“Hey I took the month off since I had PTO.” I inform her and she nods going back to her tiktoks and I smile. “Love you.”
“Love you.” She responds. “Oh! Also I have an interview tomorrow so I might have a job soon.” She lets me know and I nod.
“Ok cool hope you get it.” I say and go back to my own room hitting my pen until I can’t and coughing up a lung before sipping some juice.
“Forgot about that part.” I say to myself hitting my chest a few times to go back to normal.
I log onto the bureau website to find a therapist wanting to just go back to work and knowing they’ll give me a full mental assessment when I get back. I know the answers to the questions of course but still it’ll be nice to not feel like I do and also have her opinion.
I set up a meeting later that week giving a brief description of what’s been going on and shut the computer.
“Hey I’m going out.” Aurelia says.
“How do you already have buddies you been here a few days?” I ask.
“I got people.”
“Alright please keep your location on and call me the second you feel unsafe because now I can’t go back to work and hunt you down if kidnapped.” I say. “And be back by like midnight or 1, please be safe.”
“I will thank you.” She says and heads out.
Later that night I hear a knock on the door seeing Emily and JJ on the other side with take out.
“Seriously?” I ask JJ.
“Dead serious.” She says as they let themself in.
“I ate a lot at lunch.” I complain.
“You had a small sandwich and like half a brownie?” Emily says confused not being brought up to speed quite yet.
“It’s too much.” I say still addressing JJ.
“I’m confused.” Emily confused.
“I’ve been having issues lately.” I say with a look and she understands.
“Y/n.”
“Ok I’m so for real next person to say my name with pity in their tone is getting banned from my house.” I complain.
“Sorry.” She apologizes. “Where’s Aurelia we brought some for her.”
“With friends somehow. We can leave hers in the fridge she’ll eat it at some point and thank you for thinking of her.”
We put some food on our plates my serving much less than theirs, but no one says anything just happy I’m eating something and head to the living room for some TV.
“Did y’all not get a case?” I question.
“No we mostly worked on helping from headquarters today, nothing we needed to travel for.” Emily informs me.
“That’s nice.” I say and turn on Supernatural before we dig in and I eat slowly.
“I swear this is the best pasta in D.C.” Emily says having gotten that while they got me chicken tenders knowing it’s my go-to.
“Don’t let Rossi hear you say that.” I laugh.
“Best pasta from a restaurant. Rossi pasta is always on top.” She relents.
“Nice save.” JJ snorts.
“Oh shut up we knew what I meant!” Emily says and I find it hilarious still feeling my pen hits in me.
“Are you high?” JJ sighs to more laughter from me and a shocked response from Emily.
“She was high today but it’s never happened at work anymore and she promised to come back sober and stay that way.” JJ snitches.
“Wow just airing my business out I see.” I respond.
“Rightfully so if you’re on drugs!” Emily says.
“Ok chill it’s some weed cause I haven’t smoked in years.”
“I will not chill it’s drugs! And you!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“It means you're already not doing too well and weed isn’t going to make it better.” Emily says. “Not even mentioning how bad it is for you with destroying your lungs. “
“I’m fine.” I say and they both look at me. “With the weed omg y’all annoy me.” I say with no real hate behind it.
“She kinda has a point just keep it in mind and pace yourself please.” JJ says.
“I will.”
Later that week JJ and Emily have come over every night Spencer and Penelope joining once, but today is my therapy appointment (which everyone was glad to hear I have scheduled). I log on and we get along well as I talk about the self-harm and eating disorder recently and the case in Spiro with my mom and upon some convincing getting into a bit of that.
After Enzo comes over to get me back in a better state and not dwell on everything said and of course see Aurelia again since he hadn’t yet.
By the end of the month, I managed to stop cutting on my thighs as well but still have my blades and I’m eating dinner with someone daily. While they are on a case, usually I’ll get a call late and eat with whoever was on the phone. Emily and JJ were still the only ones who knew exactly why but everyone else was just glad to give me company and talk with me.
The day before my return to work, my pens had run out about a week before and I take my mind off it when I need it by calling someone, I have the mental assessment and even my therapist said I’m ok to come back as long as I continue weekly therapy sessions which gives me slight hope.
The next morning I walk back in going to my desk.
“Oh my chair I missed my chair.” I sit and everyone laughs.
“Too bad we have a case. Butt out the chair.” Penelope says upon walking in.
“Dammit Ray let me feel my joy.” I grumble with a smile.
On the case everyone keeps checking up on me and I have to resist the urge to crash out.
After on the jet, I’m sitting next to Emily and JJ and they ask once more.
“I’m fine aside from exhausted from hearing that every five seconds.”
“Sorry.” They apologize.
“It’s fine I deserve it I just am fine. I was allowed to come back not because I know what to say but even my therapist said it’s fine.” I remind them leaning my head onto Emilys shoulder.
After another month things go back to normal and the cases keep coming and going. One night Emily, JJ, and I are the only ones to go out afterwards and we end up at the bar Enzo giving me a look and me giving one back to tell him to knock it off and he raises his hands in surrender getting weird looks given to us by the women at my side.
“Nothing he’s being stupid.” I explain loud enough for him to hear.
“Yeah cause with the situation at hand I’m the one who is stupid.” He says knowing about my months long crush on them and begging me to finally do something about it.
“It’s never gonna happen.” I remind him.
“You’re blind then.” He argues and gives us the drinks we wanted.
“I would like to get context.” JJ says.
“Me too.” Emily adds.
“Y/n?” Enzo offers and I feel my face heat.
“Fuck off Zo.” I giggle getting flustered. Later on we walk the five minutes to my house, Aurelia having moved to her own apartment the week before and none of us wanting to risk driving.
“What was Enzo talking about earlier?” Emily smiles while bringing it up once more once we’ve settled onto my couch.
“Nothing he’s being a teasing ass.” I complain groaning. “Let it go.” I plead.
“No can do. And besides we think we know anyhow.” JJ smiles as well and I freeze slightly.
“Huh?” I question nervous.
“We’re profilers we literally are trained to notice things.” Emily reminds.
“Sometimes I hate our job. This is sometimes.” I say.
“Aw why’s that?” JJ says tilting my chin towards her and I stutter a bit before she kisses me and as soon as her lips leave mine Emilys replaces them.
“You like me too?” Is all my mind can process once her lips leave as well and they laugh.
“Of course we do. How couldn’t we?” Emily smiles and I kiss again.
“Would you wanna be our partner y/n?” JJ asks and I nod before kissing her. The three of us spend the rest of the night cuddling with a movie on but hardly watching and the next day when I drive them to work everyone is smiling.
“Ok what drug did all of you take?” I question.
“You drive Emily and JJ here today?” Reid questions with a smirk at us three.
“Shuddup.” I say blushing and they laugh.
“Finally after yearssss.” Morgan says
“What?” I question.
“Yeah you guys were so obvious about liking each other even I managed to notice and I wasn’t even trying to.” Spencer informs us
“Well then.” Emily says.
“We got a case. But I overheard you all and I’m very happy for you three.” Penelope smiles leading us to the round table room where Emilys hand lands on my thigh and JJ’s in my own beneath the table. Maybe I will be alright now. I have two wonderful girlfriends and a family surrounding me just like I always wanted.