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Sinocia doesn't know if every doctor remembers the first time they experienced death in front of their eyes. But she remembers hers.
She was a girl growing up in a village in the far south of Zozah, just shy of 11 years old. An illness reached the village all of a sudden, sending many to the nearest hospital. She was one of the victims, being sent to the hospital but got better a few days later. Many didn't.
She remembers collecting flowers on her way to the hospital from her village, her grandmother's hand in hers. They were white, blooming in the spring. Her grandma told her white flowers usually symbolized wishes that someone would get better soon. They had a sweet smell to them.
She remembers arriving at the hospital and just as they identified themselves to the front desk, doctors rushed in and asked to talk to her grandmother in private. Sinocia asked if everything was okay, and her grandmother assured her it was, but there was a quiver in her voice, unshed tears in her eyes.
She remembers sitting in one of the benches in the front waiting room, legs swinging back and forth, twirling the flowers in her hands and getting rid of the dirt in the stem. She doesn't remember how long she stayed there, surrounded by doctors and nurses as they rushed around.
But she does remember what happened next.
Her grandmother had returned, tears streaming down her face as she sweetly led Sinocia by the hand and refused to answer her questions. Sinocia remembers the path to room #10 like a prisoner being led to working camps. Inside, there was the person she came to see.
Her little sister was ill, paler, fragile, and speaking to the doctors in a small voice. Sinocia rushed towards and hugged her, turning around and putting the flowers into a small glass next to the bed. The door shut behind her, and the next words her grandmother said still echo in her nightmares.
"Your sister isn't making it, my flower."
Sinocia started crying then. She begged the doctor. There must be something they could do.
There wasn't. Her sister died that night.
She remembers crying into the black fabric of her funeral dress, the same flowers she had picked days before in her hands as she refused to face the burial. Sinocia didn't have parents. She only had her sister and her grandmother. And now she had lost half of that.
She remembers going back to the hospital months after. She didn't know why. She met a kind doctor there, who had noticed she had spent all day in the waiting room. Sinocia doesn't remember much of their talk, but before she knew it, she was coming back to that hospital every week as a request from that doctor, volunteering to read to small children and other patients that didn't have an education like her.
When her grandmother passed away a couple of years later, Sinocia knew what she wanted to do with her life. She wanted to be a doctor. Save people, help them in ways that even the brave witches couldn't with their magic.
That doctor soon became her caretaker just when they received notice to transfer to the Great Hall to help in the Healing Spire. Sinocia accompanied them and never left, refusing to look back at things she couldn't fix.
"Time of death: 21:44."
Sinocia pronounced the words that she must've heard hundreds of times since she first heard them as a medical student. She had pronounced deaths before in the year since she graduated. Mostly old witches in palliative care that had accepted their fate. She hated doing it, but tonight… It was especially hard.
It was a kid. An apprentice witch that had come to the spire many times over the years. His health was never the best, but she never expected this.
She gulped hard, holding back any emotional reaction that could come from memories resurfacing. "Notify the next of kin; I'll pass along the request for a death certificate and notify the morgue." She ordered, and the nurses nodded.
Every step she gave on her way to the cold downstairs facility was heavy, hands clutching the paper in her hands so tight that she was afraid it would rip. She notified the man working there, who nodded and gave her a stare that spoke a thousand words but none at all at the same time.
She climbed her way up the stairs, taking deep breaths. She needed to be strong. She needed to be strong for her patients. For the family of that little boy that would be arriving soon–
"Sinocia?"
Ermille's husky voice brought her thoughts back to reality. The tall nurse was standing a few steps in front of her, her face stoic as ever, but there was a sensitivity hidden there that Sinocia could make out.
"Oh. Yes, Ermille? Do you–" She cleared her throat, trying to mask the quiver in it, "Do you need anything?"
The woman didn't say anything for a moment, looking around before walking in the doctor's direction, "I'm about to take my break. Do you want to come with me?"
Sinocia knew what that meant.
'I can see you need a moment to breathe'
She nodded silently.
Ermille led the way to the outside of the Spire, her steps heavy and tethering Sinocia to reality, something that felt far away as her brain threatened to pull her and drown her in the fog.
Ermille sat on one of the benches hidden by the shadows of the main building and looked at Sinocia expectantly. She sat beside her best friend, posture taut, hands fidgeting with her tool belt.
They didn't say anything for a while. Sinocia was usually the one leading the conversations they had, but now… She didn't know what to say.
"I…" She started, her throat felt dry as she looked up at the blonde's face, "I take it you probably know what happened."
Ermille met her eyes and gave a slight nod, "I saw one of the nurses that were taking care of him crying. Didn't take much to figure out after seeing how you looked."
Sinocia bit her lip hard.
"I-I’ll be alright," she said, trying her best to give a smile but even that felt too hard, "I just need a small break."
Ermille made a sound from the back of her throat, and Sinocia knew she hadn't fooled her at all. How could she? They had been best friends since she had arrived in the Great Hall, Ermille having moved a few months earlier from the Dragon Isles in the Northeast of the Peninsula.
Sinocia had developed an admiration towards the blonde quickly, and if that admiration had turned into a mess of romantic feelings… well. She didn't have time to deal with them. Not with how hectic their lives were now that they both had graduated. They hadn't hung out besides these moments in years. She'd much rather have Ermille as her friend than to risk losing her to a dumb teenage crush she couldn't get over.
Sinocia kept staring at her; the soft lights from the lamps that hung on the walls cast a soft warm glow on Ermille's sharp features, and her piercing blue eyes seemed almost green against them.
Finally, they fluttered shut, and Ermille took a deep sigh. "You can talk to me, you know?"
Those words made Sinocia feel as if she had been punched. She broke their shared gaze.
"I– I know. Stars… I know that." She gripped her dress tightly, "But… I also know myself. If I put what I'm feeling into words, I'll start crying. And I’m afraid if I start crying, I just will not stop."
"What's the problem with that?"
"Be-Because–" Her voice cracked, her posture sagging, "I-I need to be strong. If I let every death of my patients affect me this way– How can I be a doctor like this, 'Mille?"
The woman tilted her head to the side, "Well… It wasn't just any patient death." Ermille gave her a soft look, "You've told me about what made you want to become a doctor. It's never easy to see a child die, but in your case…"
Sinocia choked on a sob, the memories from over a decade ago flashing in her head. The grip on her dress made her knuckles turn white.
"I know it feels like no one can understand you, but I'm here. I'm listening now." She gave her a sad smile. "I care about you, Sinocia. And I want to help you… if you'll let me."
Sinocia didn't say anything to that.
Silence reigned between them again, the only symphony to their dilemma being the busy sounds from the spire along with the sounds of marine life.
The time they spent in silence must've been strangely long, because Ermille let out a sigh as she moved to get up, "If you need time alone, I can gi– ah!"
Sinocia grabbed her arm tight before she could've thought twice, feeling the tears well up in her eyes.
"Don't go. Stay." She begged. She needed Ermille's strength at this moment. She didn't know what she would do if she was left alone right now.
She swore she saw color bloom into the nurse's face, blue eyes blinking several times before she nodded and sat back down.
Sinocia took a deep breath, eyes closing; her throat felt like razors. Finally, her eyes open and she stares into the ground, eyes stinging as the tears finally fall.
"I– I'm a doctor, I'm supposed to do better. I should be stronger than that. Stronger than a memory that keeps haunting me, Ermille. But I'm– I'm not strong at all. Not like my teachers, not like the staff. And especially not like you." She sees tears fall and wet her skirt. "You are right. This wasn't just any patient. I saw that boy grow up. I saw his first exams that looked abnormally strange. I saw the surgeries when I was a student. I saw the hundreds of hours he spent in here while he should've been out there, with his friends, with his family. And now–"
Sinocia lets out a loud sob, "Fuck. Fuck! I-I failed him. I swore that I would never let what happened to my si-sister happen again, but I did." She grips at the hair on her scalp so hard it hurts, "I know it sounds unrealistic, some kind of childhood hope that of course won't be real." The tears keep falling, "I need to come to terms that there will be more deaths, that there will be more children who will die under my care. But that doesn't make it less hard. In reality, it feels so much scarier and–"
She buries her face in her hands, leaning forward as she cries into them. She feels a hand touch her head, fingers running through the strands before they trail down to rub circles on her back.
"'Nocia…" her voice was soft and low, "Please don't say you're not strong. Please never say that. You're a doctor, you swore an oath to take care of people even though you knew moments like these wouldn't be easy. But you did it anyway. You're so much stronger than you'll ever know."
Sinocia wiped her tears in vain, removing her head from her hands and facing Ermille.
"It's normal to feel what you're feeling. Stars, if you didn't feel anything bad about it, I think that would be abnormal. But you need to know it wasn't your fault."
"But–"
Ermille cuts her off, "Did you purposefully act negligently at any moment towards him?"
"What? Of course not–"
"Then it wasn't your fault. You did everything you could, just like the doctors that took care of your sister did everything they could."
Sinocia sniffles at that, trying to dry her tears with the heel of her hand. "But how? How do I make this feeling go away?"
"It probably won't." Green eyes widen at that. "Grief isn't something that goes away with time. In reality, you learn to live with it, grow around it. But a part of it will always be there in your heart. And you can remember that boy by his last moments before death, or you can remember his joy, his laughter, the way he would thank you for taking care of him to the bitter end."
Sinocia let out a choked sound, "But– I need to be able to deal with it."
"And you will, with time. Unfortunately, as you said, this won't be the last time. It probably won't get easier, but you will learn to deal with it." The blonde raised her hand to wipe the tears on her cheeks. "You're grieving. You need to make room for it. Make time for it. Embrace it despite the pain."
"It– Why–" Sinocia doesn't know what she is even asking about anymore; she just keeps crying, feeling the delicate swipe of Ermille's fingers on her skin, the taller woman looking at her with care and tenderness. It makes Sinocia long for more, for more comfort.
She decides to seek it.
"Can– C-Can I hug you?" She whispers, watching as blue eyes widen a bit, but not before a nod followed by a smile.
Finally, she closes her eyes and envelops her arms around her shoulders, burying her face in Ermille's shoulder. She feels careful hands settle on her back and on the back of her head. The soft touches are enough for the waterworks to open again, the doctor wetting her skin with overflowing tears.
Through the fog in her mind and the loud sobs she lets out, she hears Ermille's voice, anchoring her, "You’re not alone. You’ve got people who love you and care about you."
She grips her dress tighter, knuckles white, that Sinocia wonders if she hurt her best friend with it,
"Please– Please don't go–" she begs, and the grip on her back and her head gets tighter.
"You’ve got me. And I’m not going anywhere."
Time blurs in Ermille's arms, and Sinocia has no idea how long they've been here; she just knows it's been way longer than what their breaks usually entail. At those thoughts, she pulls herself away from the shoulder and disentangles herself from their embrace.
"You know…" She starts, wiping her face with her hands, "I used to think you were the last person I'd want to see me like this." Ermille cocks an eyebrow at that, but she continues, "You're so strong. I for sure thought you'd think I was weak for feeling like this. But… I was wrong." She smiles, "Thank you, 'Mille. For being here, listening to me and talking me through it."
For a moment, Sinocia swears she sees color rise to the other's cheek, although the warm lights around them made it hard to tell.
"It's… It's nothing. Grief– Grief is something I've studied a lot when preparing to become a nurse, so I would be ready for moments like these. But… Don't think it doesn't affect me."
Sinocia blinked and squinted her eyes, and for a moment, she saw a thin wet trail down Ermille's cheek. Without hesitation, she raises her hand and wipes it away, surprising the other with the gesture. She feels warmth rush under her finger pads.
"I know." She says with a teary-eyed gaze and a grin. "I guess we're both strong in our own ways."
Ermille blinked a few times before giving her a soft smile, her hand coming up to cover Sinocia's with a gentle grip, "Indeed we are."
Soon after that, Sinocia is the one to remind them both of their duties, both women separating as Sinocia hopes she doesn't look more of a mess than she feels like. She takes a deep breath, one step in the direction of the hospital, but Ermille grips her wrist softly, making her look back.
"After our shifts…" Blue eyes meet green, "Do you want to hang out tonight? Like we used to. I– I miss that."
Sinocia feels blood rush to her cheeks, "If– If I'm not swamped with work and talking to the family… Yes, I would love that."
Ermille smiles at her and lets go of her wrist, Sinocia all of a sudden wishing her sleeves weren't covering the touch. She clears her throat and pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, taking a deep breath. They turn the corner, being immediately spotted by one of the senior doctors, who takes big strides towards them.
"Sinocia! Your patient's family just arrived. I think– I think you should be the one to tell them about what to do next."
She swallows a lump in her throat, "I will be right there."
He nods, before turning and rushing inside. Sinocia takes a shaky breath, wiping sweaty palms on her skirt.
"Ready?" Ermille asks, standing beside her.
"Not really," She answers honestly, "But I have a duty to fulfill." She pushes the front door open, a brave look in her eyes, "And do that I will."