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DEADLINE.COM
JULY 18, 2126
BREAKING NEWS: 32ND LIVE ACTION GUINEVERE REMAKE FLOPS AT THE BOX OFFICE, OPENS WITH $32.8 BILLION
Apparently no one wanted to see the 32nd live action Guinevere remake, "Guinevere Live Action 32: Guinevere's Last Stand: For Real This Time". The adaptation of the animated smash-hit "Guinevere's Last Stand: For Real This Time", which every resident on Park Planet saw, has had a massive 99.9% decrease, with only 320 million residents of Park Planet watching this live-action remake. What were the filmmakers at Park Planet thinking with this one? There was a Guinevere live action remake in 2124, an adaptation of Guinevere's most popular adventure, "Guinevere's Last Stand: The Final Epic Battle", which made $42 quadrillion dollars at the box office, yet there has been a severe decrease in interest this time. Oh, what is the problem here? Why couldn't they tap into Park Planet's endless need for Guinevere?
The answer? Recasting. Our last live action Guinevere aged out of the role at age 22, leading to a 18 year old fresh-faced newcomer to be cast. This led to online backlash among the Park Planet faithful, with debates about her acting skills or if she embodied the core aspects of what a princess should be. Recasting is the reason why this movie has had a lack of interest. Definitely not the fact that the planet is dying, the smog is being harder to breathe into, people on Park Planet are losing their jobs, there is a general uptick in anti-Park Planet sentiment, or just the finding of a rogue Guinevere android by two down-on-their-luck working class women. All of those are nonfactors. It's totally solely the fact that chronically online grown Park Planet adults in their 30s who never left their mother's basements are fighting over a girl's embodiment of Guinevere.
ANYWAYS, that doesn't matter. Kids under 12 were the most positive on the film, at 77% positive and a 42% must see right away. However, kids under 12 were the least likely to show up. The crowd was mostly those Park Planet adults, 35-50, who rated the movie 54% positive and a 23% must see right away. Some have even reported the use of artificial intelligence in this film, but if we confirmed those reports, then Olivia Park would have our head. Absolutely not! No artificial intelligence was used in Guinevere Live Action 32: Guinevere's Last Stand: For Real This Time! We swear! See it for yourself! Just the fact that we are calling it a flop is enough to probably put our careers in jeopardy!
After all... we just got word that Park Planet is allowing employees to have off for three hours to see the cinematic masterpiece for themselves! These headlines are bad for their image, and there needs to be news stories out by next weekend that there were long legs and that Guinevere Live Action 32: Guinevere's Last Stand: For Real This Time is going to be the feel-good #1 movie on Park Planet that will give people tons of laughs, make them cry, and change their lives forever and make them see that live-action remakes, even the 32nd in a series, can be more than corporate slop!
In other news, Park Planet's adult label Nights of Guinevere's latest hit Obsession (the 2126 remake, not to be confused with the 2026 hit movie of the same name) just crossed the $100 billion mark. Great job, Park Planet, on your latest $100 billion hit!
Next week, a remake of V for Vendetta that no one - I mean, everyone - asked for, where V asks Chancellor Sutler nicely to stop Norsefire's oppression, and Shrek 1200 are releasing. But they'll be no match for the second weekend of Guinevere Live Action 32: Guinevere's Last Stand: For Real This Time. We swear.
... Fuck, are we getting fired?