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Susie doesn’t know how to describe her feelings. She really doesn’t. As much as she tries to put them into words, all of the sentences she makes come out as incoherent. She gave up trying to describe her feelings at a young age, and instead took her feelings out with her fists.
Punching, was her favorite way. She loved to pack a good punch right in the face, right to the persons nose. It was bloody, which was always a nice feeling to know she hit just hard enough to cause some bleeding. Her second way was a solid kick to the stomach, it caught people off guard, knocked the wind out of their lungs, and even knocked them down. Which gave Susie the upper hand.
The point is, Susan Gaster was not a kind girl. She packed a good punch, and had a snappy attitude. She never treated anyone with kindness, irregardless of who it is. Adults, Peers, Teachers, her own parents, even.
Well, it wasn’t her fault her parents started the fights they got in. They always had something to say to Susie, some remark some comment about her. About her looks, her personality, her tail, her snout, anything they could comment on. Her parents were what Susie called “annoying”, because they were nitpickers.
They’re the reason Susie stayed at the Dreemurr house all the time. That, and Susie happened to be dating Kris. It was convenient for the both of them. Susie needed a place to stay, and Kris had the open space.
Although, on this particular night, Susie lays in her bed in her family’s home, her phone lay on her mattress on the floor, her back turned away from her phone as if the phone and its unread messages from “krsi 🍏”. Susie had her back turned as if she could avoid them. As if when she inevitably turned around, they wouldn’t be there. She huffed out her snout as she sat up suddenly. The trashy thin blanket on top of her falling onto her lap as she sat up and yanked her phone towards her.
She leans against the wall, opening her phone to look at the time. She furrowed her brows at the 3 unread notifications, hitting the screen to open them up more as her phone recognized her face. She leaned against the wall as she read Kris’ texts. They were a bit of a night owl, so it never failed to suprise her when they were up really late. They had texted her three times, and each time Susie scrolled away the notification, a bigger pit grew in her stomach.
But what had made her feel like this?
——
Susie grumbled as she moved around on the twin bed that Kris owned. It was squished; but it was perfect. Their bodies entangled in one another’s as they held eachother. Susie had her arm wrapped around Kris’ waist, and Kris had their hand ontop of Susie’s. Kris let out a content sigh, their hair falling before their eyes as their head lolled to the side to face Susie. They smiled as they looked up at her, and Susie could feel her face get hot as their gaze lingered for longer than it should.
“Hey, dumbass, quit your starin.” Susie grunted out, burying her face into Kris’ neck to hide from their stare. Kris let out a quiet chuckle, raising their left hand to push Susie’s hair to behind her ear. Susie shut her eyes hard, trying to avoid looking directly at Kris who was boring into her eyes with their striking red gaze. “I love you.” Kris said, the words leaving their lips faster than Susie could comprehend.
Susie felt her stomach drop as she processed their words, and she felt her heart race erratically as she let out a quiet huff. She pulled away suddenly, swinging her legs over the side of the bed as her breathing seemed to get worse. She felt her chest heave as she breathed in through her mouth and out her nose. A tactic Kris had told them about. Kris. Kris. Kris. Kris was right there. Kris was watching her as she struggled to compose her breathing.
Kris reached their hand out and settled it on her shoulder, and she flinched away. Standing up before she could stop herself and grabbing her jacket from ontop of the other bed, and shoving her arms through the holes quickly as she shrugged the jacket onto her shoulders. “I need to go home.” Susie spoke, her back turned to Kris as if she could avoid their striking red gaze. Kris frowned as they sat up and put their hands in their lap. “I’m.. sorry.” Kris quietly spoke up from their spot in the bed.
Susie didn’t respond as she opened the window to their bedroom, avoiding their gaze as she put one leg through, then the other. She didn’t spare them one last glance, or even a word as she put the rest of her body through and landed on the grass. She then ran.
She ran till her lungs hurt. Ran till her legs turned to jello. She ran until she collapsed on her knees by her front door. She ran until she could stop. She ran till it was safe to stop, because she was home, because Kris couldn’t say that sentence anymore. She couldn’t handle those words. Couldn’t handle the I or the Love or the You. Every word made her feel sick. Made a pit form in her stomach and made her mouth water like she was gonna be sick.
She couldnt handle the words ‘I love you’. She was so used to ‘Fuck you!’ or ‘You make me sick, Susan.’ The mere idea of something declaring their love for her made her sick to her stomach. She didn’t deserve their love. She didn’t deserve their appreciation and their physical affection. She deserved to get beat, and to get nitpicked till she was insecure about herself.
Susie never heard “I love you”. She hates every part of the sentence. The I, The love, the you. She hated it ever since she heard her peers saying it to their parents when she was younger. Because her parents never loved her back. They denied Susie from ever experiencing love.
Susie stared down at the ground as she opened the door to her apartment with her parents, she barely glanced at the couch that had a familiar woman shaped shadow hunched over it. She scowled as she moved past the living room, aiming right for her door. “Susan.”
A voice spoke up from the couch, Susie froze at the name. Her blood running colder than usual as she slowly turned around to look at the couch. “Get that scowl off your face. You look like your father.” Susie stared ahead at the woman who laid her. Who watched her as she hatched from the egg. Who nitpicked her everyday for every 16 years Susie was alive.
“Fuck you.”
Susie replied, before turning her back to the woman and marching into her room. Slamming the door behind her and collapsing onto the mattress on the floor. She was tired. Maybe it was bedtime.