Chapter Text
The curtain falls, and Neil Perry already knows this is the last time. His last time wearing this crown made of branches, his last standing ovation, his last time doing what he loves. As the cast parade around him, seas of “good jobs” and “woo hoos” flood his ears. Pretty girls in the play come up, kiss and hug him, a smile on his face and sounds of laughter come out his mouth, but that isn't him. The laughter isn't his. Neither is the smile. That's Puck Neil. That's actor Neil. Not Neil.
As he walks out of the Henley Hall, strangers congratulating him as he exits, he is hit with the reality of his future life as the cold air punches his face. Harvard, Doctor, Wife, Family. Not acting. Not the poets. Not To–
Suddenly his eyes catch on a blonde standing in the snow looking at him.
“Todd! What are you guys doing here?!” He pushes back those morose thoughts from earlier as he walks over to Mr Keating, Charlie (Nuwanda), and Todd.
“Well of course we had to see the world famous Puck depicted by the one and only Neil Perry on closing night. I’m hurt you even considered we wouldn't be there, Neily boy,” Charlie says, a look of mock hurt crossing his face as he pulls Neil into a rough pat on the back.
Mr Keating walks towards him, grabbing the back of his head with one hand, his shoulder with the other and lightly shakes him while he says.
“I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, You’ve got the gift, Mr Perry.”
“Thanks, Captain,” Neil responds, a grateful but tired smile spread across his face.
Not that anybody will notice the tired part, it has become so constant that Neil is convinced nobody knows his smile any different.
As Mr Keating and Charlie back towards the car, Neil can’t help but notice Todd staring at him, half a smile on his face.
“Y-You were really great Neil, I mean it-”
Neil looks properly at Todd, rather than just through his peripherals, and wow.
As Todd continues to talk about the play, his smile grows a little wider. Without realising it, Neil feels himself smiling too, not like the one from earlier, the one he wore for everyone else. This one reaches his dimples. His cheeks almost ache with it, and somehow it's worth it if it means Todd will keep talking.
“Thank you Todd. I-I appreciate it” Neil stumbles on his words a little. Truth be told, he hadn't been paying much attention to what Todd was saying—only the smile on his face as he said it.
Todd nervously chuckles a little “Did you hear what I said?”
And well, Todd must have read his mind, but nevertheless he lies.
“Yeah… Yeah I heard what you said,”
“O-Okay so you’re coming to the meeting tonight?” Todd timidly asks.
“Oh yeah of course I am” Neil responds, noticing how Todd is trying to pull his sleeves over his hands.
They stand there sort of just looking at each other for what feels like ages, but it can’t be long because next thing he knows, he hears:
“Will you two stop staring at eachother, and get in the fucking car it freezing” Charlie yells. Both Neil and Todd break from the trans, and run over to the car, both thankfully ignoring Charlie's comment on the staring.
“Language Mr Dalton. I may be your captain but I am also your school chaperone, and I don’t suppose you’d use that language if Mr Hager was in the car” Mr Keating responds, turning the car on once he sees Neil has shut the door.
Charlie scoffs and mutters some smartass comment under his breath that nobody bothers to ask about.
The drive back to Welton is somewhat comforting for Neil. The situation could be worse. He could be at his parents house, getting ready to get shipped off to military school, instead he’s in the car with 3 of his favourite people.
Driving away from the best thing that has ever happened to him.
--------------------
The night continues on suit as every Friday night goes. Showers, lights out, and sleep. Well, sleep for everybody that isn’t a part of the Dead Poets Society. They all put their coats on over the pajamas, along with whatever poetry they plan on reading. That last step is one that isn’t followed by Todd, but Neil and the poets don’t mind.
They all leave the respective rooms a few minutes before 12AM, feed and pat the dog, and run off the school grounds, through the forest until they reach their cave.
It’s Neil's favourite part of the week, a time when nothing else matters except the words and the poets.
The poets begin talking about their week. Knox talks about Chris, which triggers Charlie's usual eye rolls and scoffs. Meeks and Pitts talk about their radio. And soon enough, they're all talking about Neil's performance in the play that they all went to watch earlier in the week. Neil really does appreciate it, but wishes they would shut up as it's just a constant reminder of what he can’t do anymore. Maybe Todd notices Neil’s somewhat uncomfortable state. Or maybe he just wants to hear some poetry.
“S-Should we start the meeting?” Todds asks, looking around the now silent cave.
“Of course,” Neil replies, enthusiasm in his voice to change the topic.
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” Neils says.
The poets all cheer with excitement to start the meeting.
From there, the cave erupts with love and romance, laughter, and another rendition of ‘Poetrustic’ by Nuwanda, with a few more verses of “gotta do more, gotta be more” and some more saxophone.
As things begin to quiet down, and nobody else really has anything else to add, Meeks says “Well if nobody has anything else to add, shall we?”
“Yeah okay” Everybody mumbles as they begin to stand up.
Neil looks across the fire over to Todd who is precariously standing up. Neil gives him a look saying ‘are you good?’. Todd doesn't notice but nonetheless says,
“W-Wait”
Everybody looks back at him.
“What is it Todd?” Pitts asked, an ounce of worry in his voice.
“I, um, have something to, um, r-read” Todd timidly says, half looking up at the poets, half looking at something on the ground.
A smile grows on everybody's face, but the biggest smile spreads across Neil’s face.
“Well lets hear it!” Charlies says very supportingly, disappointed that Todd hadn’t brought it up earlier.
“Okay, Okay” Todd says as he scrambles to grab something from his coat pocket. Hands slightly trembling as he holds a piece of paper.
Everybody moves back around the fire. Neil sitting across from Todd, and Meeks standing beside Todd with a torch shing on his paper.
“Take your time” Neil adds, a comforting smile across his face as he locks eyes with Todd.
Todd slightly nods. Neil can see Charlie looking at him weirdly in the corner of his eye, but chooses to ignore it.
“Um, so I-I wrote this and it's called ‘And Still We Sleep’ and so when I pause you guys repeat that verse,”
The poets all look at each other, all very impressed. Todd looks at everyone. Neil just looks at Todd.
“I-If that's all good” Todd adds.
“Yes sounds good” Charlie adds, being slightly tentative and less joking.
Everybody leans in to hear.
Todd's hands are visibly shaking, as he looks down to his slightly crumpled paper, he begins:
“We’re dreaming of tomorrow and tomorrow isn’t coming / we’re dreaming of the glory that we don’t really want / we’re dreaming of a new day when the new days there already, / and we’re running from the battle when it’s one that must be fought”
Todd lowers the paper slightly, glancing nervously around the circle.
“And still we sleep.”
The poets say it together, their voices filling the cave.
Todd continues.
“We’re listening for the calling, but never really heeding / hoping for the future, when the future only plans / dreaming of the wisdom that we’re dodging daily / praying for a savior, when salvations in our hands”
“And still we sleep.”
The words echo around the cave.
Neil doesn't join in this time.
Somewhere between the first line and the last, he'd forgotten there was anybody else in the cave.
Todd had written this.
Todd.
The boy who insisted he had nothing to say.
Todd looks up from the page.
Not at everyone.
At Neil.
His voice is still quiet, still trembling, but somehow steadier than before.
Todds begins again, this time just looking at Neil,
“And still we dream / and still we fear / and still we pray / and still we sleep.”
When the final words fade, silence settles over the cave.
For one long moment, nobody moves.
Then the cave erupts with applause and cheers. Charlie lets out an exaggerated whoop that bounces off the stone walls.
Neil doesn't move.
He can't.
He just keeps looking at Todd.
At the boy standing in the firelight, cheeks flushed from nerves, a shy smile slowly finding its way across his face.
How long had he been carrying that around?
Todd folds the paper carefully and slips it back into his pocket, still smiling as the poets crowd around him with congratulations.
Neil stays exactly where he is.
He isn't sure whether he's more amazed that Todd wrote something so beautiful, or that he'd almost kept it to himself forever.
--------------------
Following the high, the poets make their way back to Welton. It's quiet, nobody is really talking, everybody is really spread out, the only noise is the dozens of feet hitting the snow. Todd and Neil are both lagging behind everyone else, not next to each other, but near. Neil wants to say something, but doesn’t know what to say, after all he is the actor and Todd is the poet.
As the poets approach Welton, they all tiptoe up in the dormitories, saying their goodnights and entering their rooms.
Charlie and Cameron into theirs.
Meeks and Pitts into theirs.
Knox enters his room as quietly as possible trying not to wake up his roommate, and waves of Neil and Todd.
Neil and Todd.
Todd enters their room and leaves the door open for Neil. Neil takes a big breath in and enters the room, closing the door behind him.
There is a tension in the room, Neil can’t pinpoint what it means.
Neil sees Todd about to take off his coat, so before he does he steps directly in front of Todd.
Todd squints his eyes together, with a very confused look on his face.
“What are you doing Neil?” He says.
Neil doesn’t answer, instead reaching into Todd’s coat pocket and pulling out the piece of paper that holds Todd's poem.
Neil notices Todd stiffening as he carefully unfolds the paper.
He reads the title again.
‘And Still We Sleep.’
He lets out a quiet laugh, almost in disbelief.
"You wrote all of this"
Todd shrugs.
"I guess."
Neil shakes his head.
"No."
Todd looks up.
Neil looks between Todd and the poem.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Pretend it's nothing."
The two just stare at each other in silence for a second. A huge smile across Neil’s face as he looks at the very worried Todd.
"Todd..."
Neil laughs softly again.
“That was…” He searches for the word.
“...Fuck I don't even know what that was.”
Neil continues:
“There has to be a word for it,”
Todd smiles and says:
“You’d know it”
Neil's face straightens, the smile gone from his face.
"No, You would"
Neil folds the paper back to how it was, and places it back in Todd’s pocket.
As he looks into Todd’s eyes, he contemplates what to do for a second.
He wants to kiss him.
But Neil is smart. And knows he can’t do that.
So instead he does the next best thing. Hugs him.
He slides his arms beneath where Todd’s arms sit rigidly, and wraps them around his waist.
Todd freezes.
In the crook of Todd’s neck, Neil quietly says:
“You are incredible Todd Anderson."
Todd stands there for less than a second before he puts his arms around Neil’s shoulders and tucks his head in the crook of Neil’s neck, just as Neil did.