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Bucky had been watching him for almost twenty minutes. He was just sitting on the couch, staring at the wall and not really seeing it. Sam’s mission had gone badly. Badly was probably a very light term for it. He’d lost a few agents. As far as Bucky could tell from what Nat had told Steve there was nothing Sam could have done. But Bucky knew that that rarely mattered, especially once you got home, to a calm place, and were left alone with your thoughts and memories. It never mattered if there was nothing you could do, all you could see was them, dying, and you not being there to save them.
Bucky wrapped his arms around himself tighter and leaned a little further to the left to get a better look at Sam. He was blinking slowly, his eyes still glued to the wall looking hazy. Bucky dug his fingers into his elbows and took a deep breath. He hadn’t really talked to Sam much, hell, he hadn’t really talked to anyone much. But he couldn’t just let him sit there, stewing in thoughts that would just cause him more pain. He walked over to the couch slowly and stood in front of Sam. His eyes stayed out of focus and Bucky could tell he was looking right through him.
“Hey Sam.” He said quietly, his voice rough from under use. Sam took a deep breath but didn’t move or acknowledge Bucky’s presence at all. Bucky’s face did a strange half smile half grimace and he lowered himself slowly down on the couch next Sam, trying not to make any sudden movements.
“Sam?” he prompted again, reaching out and brushing his finger tips gently against Sam’s arm. Sam blinked heavily and moved his head a fraction in Bucky’s direction, his eyes were still unfocused and on the wall.
“Hmm?” he hummed lowly, sounding extremely out of it. Bucky felt his heart break in his chest. He took a deep breath and moved his hand onto Sam’s arm, rubbing his thumb slowly against the skin there.
“Sam, do you wanna come with me?” he asked, giving Sam’s arm a gentle squeeze. Sam slowly looked down at Bucky’s hand on his arm and then slowly looked at Bucky.
“Hey Bucky.” He said groggily, his eyes moving slowly over Bucky’s face. Bucky gave him a small smile and squeezed Sam’s arm again.
“You wanna come with me? Just for a little bit?” he asked again, looking at Sam with wide eyes. Sam blinked slowly again and then nodded.
“Sure.” He said. Bucky could tell by his voice that he was still very far away. He stood up slowly, moving his hand down Sam’s arm and taking his hand. He pulled Sam to his feet gently and stepped up beside him, placing his hand gently in the middle of Sam’s shoulder blades and guiding him out of the room and down the hall.
“Where- where are we goin Buck?” he asked, his voice low, still sounding odd, like he had just woken from a nap. But Bucky knew better. He slid his hand down Sam’s back, his hand coming to rest right above his tail bone.
“To the bathroom.” Bucky said simply, taking a few more steps and then pushing the door to his room open and guiding Sam in. Sam nodded slowly and let Bucky lead him to the bathroom. Bucky turned the light on and stood looking at Sam for a moment.
“Do you trust me?” he asked quietly, his hand going to Sam’s cheek to make sure he had his attention. Sam blinked a few times, faster than before, his eyes a bit more focused.
“To… to do what?” Sam asked, sounding confused. Bucky’s mouth curved up a bit and moved his thumb against Sam’s cheek.
“To help you.” Bucky said with a small smile. Sam sighed and nodded, his eyelids drooping.
“Yeah. I trust you to do that.” He said, his voice sounding a bit more there but still far off. Bucky nodded and smiled.
“Good. Wait right here okay? I’ll be right back.” Sam nodded and Bucky hurried out the door. He grabbed two huge bath towels, and a pair of his sweatpants and headed back into the bathroom, he closed the door behind him and tossed the towels on the ground. Then he turned the warm water on in the huge tub that Tony had put in all the bathrooms in the personal rooms in the tower. He made sure the water wasn’t too hot, but warm enough to fill the room with a nice haze of steam. He pushed the plug down and turned back to Sam, who had been watching him, his eyes still not focusing much.
“Can you take your clothes off for me? You can leave your underwear on.” Bucky said, his hand reaching out and squeezing Sam’s shoulder once. Sam nodded slowly and pulled his shirt over his head slowly. His fingers fumbled with the button on his pants and he dropped his hands to his sides with an exhausted sigh.
“That’s okay Sam. I got it.” Bucky said and stepped forward, undoing Sam’s pants easily and then letting Sam push them down and step out of them. Bucky took Sam’s arm and helped him step into the bath. He heard Sam hum quietly as he sunk into the water.
“It’s not too hot is it?” Bucky asked, watching Sam’s face for a reaction. He shook his head once.
“No, it’s nice.” He said flatly, leaning forward in the water, his arms resting between his legs. Bucky nodded and then turned and reached under the sink and grabbed two bottles of soap, then grabbed the pink puffer from the hook on the wall.
“Can you scoot up a little bit for me Sam?” he asked quietly, smiling as Sam complied without comment, gently sliding across the bottom of the bathtub, his knees bending a bit. Bucky pushed the puffer into the water behind Sam, making a face when the sleeve of his shirt dipped into the water and got soaked.
He left the puffer floating in the water and pulled his shirt over his head, tugging the bottom of the tank top he was wearing down as it rode up his stomach. He dropped the shirt on the floor and put his hand back in the water. He grabbed one of the bottles from the floor and squeezed a dollop of soap onto the puffer and scrunched it together in his hands until it was covered in suds. He moved one soap covered hand to Sam’s shoulder.
“You can tell me if this isn’t okay, alright Sam?” he asked, leaning back to get a look at Sam’s face. Sam nodded, his eyes staring past the faucet in front of him. Bucky nodded back even though Sam couldn’t see him. He moved the puffer to Sam’s shoulder and moved it slowly around his back as the air in the bathroom filled with a lemony scent. He watched Sam close his eyes as Bucky washed his back. He moved the puffer down each of Sam’s arms, moving himself around and trying his best not fall in the tub next Sam as he reached across the water to get the arm near the wall.
Once he had Sam covered in bubbles he dipped the puffer in the water and began slowly washing the bubbles off. He moved over Sam’s arms first and then down his back. He saw Sam’s back rise and fall with a deep breath. He glanced at Sam’s face and saw him scrunching his eyes up tight. He did it a few times before moving his hands up to his face slowly and rubbing at his eyes for a moment before dropping his hands back into the water. Bucky smiled and moved the puffer around in the water behind Sam, getting as much soap out of it as he could. Then he grabbed the other bottle and squeezed some of that soap onto the puffer instead. He lathered it up again and moved it over Sam’s shoulder once more.
The air filled with a strong cinnamon scent and Bucky heard Sam take a deep breath as he sat up a bit straighter and closed his eyes, leaning his head back to stretch out his neck. Bucky worked the soup over his back and shoulders and then moved his hand to the back of Sam’s head.
“You can lay back now if you want.” Bucky said, Sam sighed and slumped in the tub, his body sinking beneath the warm soap fogged water as he closed his eyes. Bucky gently placed the puffer in the water by Sam’s feet and stood up. Drying his hands and reaching beneath the sink again. He pulled out four candles and set them around the bathroom. He placed two on the sink and two on the edge of the bathtub. He grabbed the matches he kept under the sink, lit the candles, and then turned the bathroom light off.
He moved to sit on the floor on the corner of the bathroom, his back against the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest, arms resting on them. He sat in the flickering candle light and watched Sam relax in the warm water. He could physically see Sam relaxing. His breathing was slower, his chest didn’t sound so tight anymore, and Bucky could see him moving his hands slowly in the water. He smiled to himself, rested his chin on his arms, and waited.
~***~
“Bucky?” Sam’s voice drifted through Bucky’s light sleep and his eyes snapped open. Sam was sitting up in the tub looking at Bucky in the semi dark.
“Yeah? You okay?” he asked, scooting forward on the floor. Sam nodded, he looked like his old self again, his eyes were focused and he was moving at his normal speed again. He no longer looked like someone had pushed the slow motion button on his life.
“Yeah I’m- I’m good. I uh…you did all this? For me?” Sam asked, gesturing around the bathroom. Bucky stood up and rubbed at the back of his neck. He nodded and smiled awkwardly, giving Sam a half smile. He grabbed one of the towels off the floor and held it out to Sam.
“Here. I’ll um… I’ll wait out there while you get changed. You can put those on if you want.” He said, pointing sideways at the pants he’d brought in with him and stumbling backwards out of the bathroom, closing the door gently behind him. He sat down on the edge of the bed and waited, listening absent mindedly to Sam moving around in the bathroom. The door opened and Sam walked out, Bucky’s sweatpants hanging low on his hips, his arms crossed over his chest, he looked cold. Bucky got off the bed, walked to his dresser and grabbed a black long sleeve shirt. He turned and handed it Sam.
“Here. Sorry, I spaced giving you a shirt.” He said quietly, looking up at Sam through his lashes as he pulled the shirt over his head.
“That’s okay. Thanks.” He said and then stood looking at Bucky for a moment.
“How’d you do that?” he asked, breaking the silence. Bucky furrowed his brow.
“How’d I do what?” he asked, his arms wrapping around himself.
“You… you brought me back. I was- I was gone. And now I’m not. I’ve never come back from one that bad this quickly before. How’d you do it?” Sam asked, looking at Bucky with a strange look in his eyes.
“Oh. That. Um… it was probably the soap. I uh, I use lemon and cinnamon. Cuz they uh, they’re good scents for mental fatigue, and they help with anxious feelings and uh… and bringing back focus. So that- that’s probably what it was.” He said with an awkward smile. Sam smiled a small smile back.
“You uh… you sound like you know a lot about it.” Sam said, raising his eyebrows at Bucky. Bucky nodded.
“I know a little, yeah.” He said, his fingers digging into his elbow again. Sam nodded again and kept looking at Bucky, just staring at him with that strange look in his eyes. He stood still for a few moments and then took a few steps and moved into Bucky’s space.
“Can I…” he started and then cut off, Bucky looked up at him, his eyes wide.
“What?” he prompted. Sam breathed out a short laugh.
“Can I stay here tonight? With you?” Sam asked, his voice quiet, his eyes going to the ground. Bucky felt his heart beating fast in his chest. He nodded and then realized that Sam wasn’t looking at him.
“Yes.” He said with a croak, his voice rough. He cleared his throat as Sam looked at him.
“I’d like that.” He said, his voice working properly this time. Sam smiled at him and leaned forward, resting his head against Bucky’s. Bucky sighed and leaned into him. He reached out and took Sam’s hand gently in his.
“Come on.” He said, stepping away and pulling Sam after him as he crawled into his bed. Sam crawled in after him, settling in behind Bucky and wrapping his arms around Bucky’s chest, pulling him close.
“Thank you Buck.” He whispered, his nose gently rubbing at Bucky’s ear. Bucky hummed and rested his hand over Sam’s.
“You’re welcome. Anytime.” He whispered back, pushing back against Sam and smiling when Sam pressed a gentle kiss behind his ear. He moved his fingertips gently over the skin on Sam’s hand as he listened to him drift off to sleep behind him. His lips curved into a gentle smile as he drifted off to sleep himself a few moments later.