Chapter Text
There was a boy: Hirose Aiki. He was extroverted and outgoing, a social butterfly, could lighten up the room with his presence; and he was gay, maybe. In his sixteen years of life he hadn’t yet decided on who he liked. Perhaps he suspected the way he leaned, but still, he could not say with certainty what lived inside his heart; which gender he preferred, what he liked in a partner, or even what romance meant to him. The verdict on his gayness didn’t come easily. The feeling that he might be gay had lived with him as long as he could remember. With time, the feeling grew. Being gay would mean liking guys. Which guys did he like? None yet. He’d never felt a crush on a real person. Not a guy, and not a girl. Did that really count him as gay?
”What’s charming about me?”
There was a boy who did know exactly what he liked. Hirose felt admiration for Nakamura. He’d never seen someone who wore their feelings so plainly on their sleeve – perhaps not intentionally, but still obvious and unmistakable to any bystander. He did not need to do the slightest digging into his mind to figure out what he felt. He could read him like an open book.
”Everything!” he said then.
Despite his immediate backtracking, he’d said it with such conviction that it caught Hirose completely off-guard. What was he supposed to feel at such a genuine confession? Flattered? Embarrassment? Pride? The only thing he could sense in himself was a warm buzz in his lower stomach, as if he rode a plane that suddenly dropped, and it filled him with a dizzying burst of adrenaline. Nakamura had shared many nice words about him… No one had said something like that before. His first response was to laugh at Nakamura’s silly red face as he stuttered and realized what he’d said.
Hirose could not deny it; not once in his life had he seen anyone so evidently in love. Hirose saw the love bloom in Nakamura’s chest. He could see the way it affected his body and his behavior. His slouch was deep, his shoulders wound tight, his hands fidgeting, opening and closing while he sulked through the school hallways. His bangs darted before his eyes, skittishly fluttering at the smallest threat. Love overwhelmed him, made him insecure and shy. Love must’ve been really difficult… Hirose felt he had to handle Nakamura’s emotions with care.
He took every opportunity to observe him. He invited him to hang out together as much as possible.
“Hey, Nakamura, what do you think about that one?” Hirose closed one eye while his finger traced the outline of a white fluffy cloud against the blue sky. “That one looks like a polar bear!”
“I thought it looked like a sheep,” said Nakamura. He lay beside Hirose. The grass bristled his black hair. The field in the park was the perfect spot to cloud-gaze, and they’d settled here after a long day walking through town. From this angle Hirose could see his dark narrowed eyes shine under his bangs, the curve of his mushroom-shaped head, his eyes squinting harder as they studied the sky. He said, “It has really stubby legs and a lot of fur. And a head with a mouth like it’s chewing something!”
“Hmm?” Hirose looked again at the cloud, and conceding that it could in fact be a sheep, he let out a laugh. “They all kinda look like sheep, though! Every cloud can look like a sheep if you stare long enough.”
“Not that one.” Nakamura shook his head and pointed at a long and thin cloud, resembling the trail of an airplane. “That one looks like a snake.”
“Ah, you’re right!”
Hirose admired the snake-like cloud. Then, from the corner of his eye, he carefully glanced at Nakamura, whose attention was absorbed by the sky. Was he pretty? Or handsome? What did he feel looking at Nakamura? It was hard to put into words. He tried his best to imagine his feelings but no conclusive answer came.
What did it feel like to be gay, Hirose wondered. He wasn’t even sure if Nakamura was gay, since he could’ve been bi too. To imagine Nakamura with a girl, though, seemed impossible now he’d thought of him as gay. Did Nakamura’s gay brain think differently compared to a straight guy? He certainly didn’t look different. Hirose hadn’t noticed him for a long time in their first year, not until the incident with the octopus and the cockroach. There really wasn’t anything that made him look special – he looked just like every other guy. The main exposure to gay men that Hirose knew was flamboyant and outgoing men on TV. Nakamura was nothing like that.
Takeuchi would talk about girls. He would have a whole assortment of actresses and models and idols who he liked to talk about, and Mukai would join in and agree with most of his takes on why they were attractive. Hirose didn’t understand what they meant, so he just laughed along and scoffed. But it was interesting to see what straight guys thought.
He took his phone out of his pocket and looked up the names of the women Takeuchi talked about.
“Actresses are pretty cool, huh…” he said, turning to Nakamura. “Have you seen this one?”
“Huh?” Nakamura gave a confused glance at Hirose’s phone. “Oh, no… I haven’t.”
“And this one? Do you think she’s pretty?”
“P-pretty?” he smiled awkwardly. “I’m not sure… Hehe…”
“Hmm?” Hirose tilted his head. “You don’t like girls?”
“Ah, uh…!! I mean…!” There he went, squeezing his eyes shut, balling his fists and getting all tense again. It was a little fun to say things that flustered him, and to watch him struggle through it – not because Hirose liked torturing him per se, but mostly because there was happiness in Nakamura’s face when he acted like this. When he spoke he made so many faces with so many emotions! Sharing words with Hirose clearly made him happy. He stuttered ahead, his face darkening with a pink blush. “I don’t really know, I guess!! Aha!”
Aw, maybe it was a sensitive thing to ask? Maybe he shouldn’t pry? Nakamura hadn’t told anyone he was gay, as far as Hirose knew. It was just an assumption by Hirose. But there did seem to be a lot of pent up excitement and desire to talk, as if he wanted to open up but was too shy, which encouraged Hirose to pry a little. “I don’t really care about girls either,” he shrugged. “There’s nothing wrong with not liking girls, I think. They’re pretty gross as anything more than just friends.”
“R-right… Heheh…” he nodded sheepishly.
“I mean, people like reading BL right?” Hirose continued. “Guys getting together… Kissing and going on dates with another guy? That must be kinda strange. At least, it’s different from the way people normally do it. But maybe it’s not so bad? It sounds like a lot less hassle than going out with a girl.”
“Heh, yeah…” His nervous face relaxed slightly. His mouth formed a small opening, his eyes growing bigger with curiosity.
That was the face he made when a question was on his mind. Of course, he never asked his questions out loud. There was probably an internal monologue ongoing in his head, judging by the way he made different faces and rubbed his chin and shook his head. Nakamura was always deep in thought about everything. It was really cute!
“Hmm, well, I don’t really know which way I prefer!” Hirose said, when the silence took too long.
Nakamura didn’t say anything. He made a few noises to show he was listening and looked at the sky, deep in thought. Hirose still wondered what being gay was like.
When they cloud-gazed long enough, they walked for a short while, until they came across a stand selling ice cream.
“Ah you got some on your nose,” Hirose said, delighted at the opportunity to use his napkin to wipe a smudge of vanilla ice cream off Nakamura's nose. Of course, Nakamura tensed up in an adorable way, fully letting it happen, and Hirose let out a belly laugh.
Then, as they licked their ice creams, Nakamura’s phone sounded a notification. His face went dark and sad when he read it. “Oh, it’s my sister… I have to go home now…” he said, almost brought to the verge of tears. He looked pathetic with his ice cream cone, looking helplessly at Hirose.
“Oh no!” Instinctively, Hirose patted his shoulder. Nakamura tensed and sprang up like a coil, eyes fixed on the hand on his shoulder.
There the buzz sunk through Hirose’s stomach again. What was it? He wanted to make Nakamura feel better, pat his shoulder more and even give him a hug. He didn’t want to ever lift his hand off his shoulder. His mushroom head was so endearing. Hirose gave him a few pats and said, “No worries! We can hang out tomorrow again!”
“You want to hang out again…?” Nakamura said meekly. “Don’t you want to be with your friends?”
“You’re my friend! And they’ve hung out plenty of times with me. I like hanging out with new people too!”
“R-right… Okay…”
Nakamura left dragging his legs across the path, disappearing slowly around the corner of the winding park lay-out.
Now Hirose would need to think of something to do with Nakamura. Something that’d bring them together, where Hirose could see just a little more of him. He’d message him tomorrow morning!