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"I'm sorry. I can't love you the way I wish I could."
Were the words she struggled to rip from her tainted heart, her eyes squirming in every direction but to Sua's eyes. She couldn't bear to look at her right now. Not when Sua had just pled her affection. Not when everything in her life had been going fine until this point.
Until this point? ... The guilt steadily hounded her every step as if it were the reaper of love. The dread she desired to never stand at the gates of. Her justifications for avoiding the girl she loved finally imprisoned her hands, which had held wicked actions.
The silence defended both of their eardrums until the only thing they could fathom was the gentle wind currents that fondled Mizi's face almost as Sua once did that starless dusk.
The encumbrance. The remorse. The hypocrisy. The way Mizi swallowed down her guilt like poison in the midst nightime only they knew of. Mizi's memory consisted only of Sua's palms and lips until it was all she held in her once sacred and filtered recollection. So frantic in the night. There was no candle that gave them a sense of direction, only selfish touch.
Mizi locked the retrospection deep below. She wanted to bang her body against the queer sins she'd committed until they were no longer as punishment. Until they were just wisps of the past.
It was only their impulsive choices that led them to sin.
Sins against God's intention.
"Mizi."
"I know!"
The words slashed deeper than she intended. Mizi's wrath was creeping up on her until it gave fire to the chorus inside of her. Until she vocalized the endless thoughts she's kept inside, never bringing them to anybody else. Maybe not even to herself.
Her angel finally got her taste of raw bone.
Not the Mizi she swore to be. Not the Mizi she thought she was. Not the Mizi, she gave her undivided attention to that twilight. Not the Mizi who kissed her neck so provocatively. Not the Mizi who shoved her lips against the mouth of Sua. Clashing and harmonic. Sinful but perfect. All at the same time. All with the same girl.
"... I loved you."
Her words died in her throat. More than any slap from her pastor ever could silence her. More than any word from the God she worshipped daily on her bedroom wall. At the church she had attended every Sunday her whole life. Did her devotion mean anything? Or was it simply comfort now? A distraction from the love she made.
"I would give anything in this small universe to be by you, Sua."
She promised.
Her head was turned away from her. From the face of the woman, she would sacrifice every fragmentum of the world for. For the woman, she wanted to gift the nebula. If only her relationship with God didn't come in the way. If only she were allowed to.
Her voice was in shards. Far beyond the idea of mending a broken glass. Frequencies of voices that didn't sound like her came out. Tattered gasps of air like she was drowning. In a way, she was. She almost expected Sua to note on her heart beating out of her slender ribcage. If she had a heart left.
"Then why can't you?"
She begged. Sua's words would've broken her heart if there was anything left to shatter. Her emotions sloshing into Mizi's mind. She had no response to that. All her feelings were thundering no less than lightning in her brain to be let out into words. Incoherent words she couldn't take back. All incredibly differentiating between rage and lust that latched her heart. Only Sua stole her love and didn't plan on giving it back anytime soon.
The expression of Sua's seraphic features probably twisted into a resemblance to her disfigured heart. Mizi couldn't look at her. Not like this. Not like the coward she was. The coward who only felt like sobbing into her shoulder. They were arms-length, but worlds apart. Sua was still stuck on that night in Mizi's dorm room. Mizi wanted nothing more than to forget it as if it had never happened. As if they were still close friends who shared snacks at lunchtime in the garden with no one else. Friends who rested their hands on each other's naked thighs when studying. Friends who promised to love nobody else the way they did.
"I- I don't know..."
She did know. Her savior forbade it long ago. She was no better than a woman of bloodied palms now. Not when the purity of her lips was stolen so young. Stolen by the same sex.
"Mizi,"
Her voice was trembling like tears were scurrying down her gentle skin as well. The shakes in her tiny voice made Mizi freeze in a pathetic stance with her knees inwards and eyes glued to the grass. This was her doing. If she shoved Sua off of her that night... Would this conversation even be happening right now?
"I would choose you in every life. Why can't you choose me? You did when you took your signature cross necklace off to lay your lips onto mine. You won't let me love you."
Mizi didn't have a good response, let alone one at all. The words she'd jotted down about all of Sua's worst flaws to make her hate her caught in a mayhem now. A distant scripture she couldn't mend together in time. Ragged breaths mixed with tears broke out of her, her face undeniably refusing to meet Sua's angelic eyes.
Mizi latched her bloodless fingers onto her sacred necklace, her nails digging into her once unbreakable skin, now denuded down to uncontrollable weeping. Almost to shield the ears of God, who had heard more than enough.
Did the confident persona she put on every sunrise matter anymore? Did it mean anything at all when her beloved saw right through it? Shall it be anything of use anymore? Was she fooling anybody?
"I already told you this... I can't pick you. But if I were of the male sex-- I would pick you in every life. Just not this one."
"I would've loved living in hell with you."