Chapter Text
And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did, I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms
Into my arms, oh, Lord
Into My Arms - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
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It's dark. Heavy. There's something heavy.
He's stuck. A collapse? Did the building collapse?
He's buried. He's by himself, alone and buried.
Pain. He's hurt. Hurt and alone, trapped.
Panic spikes sharp and suffocating in his throat. No. Breathe.
Gotta… gotta…
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“Firefighter Buckley?”
“Buck!? Hold on, we're coming!"
“Oh God, just hang on, kid. Please, just… Come on, kid.”
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Noises. Flashes. He's jostled as the lights flash by.
The pain has been dulled, there's no more heaviness, he's light and floaty.
He wants to sleep. There's so much noise and the lights.
The lights keep flashing.
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“You'll need to stop here, Captain. Family only past these doors.”
“No, no, please. He's my son. I need to- I can't lose him. I can't lose- I can't do this again.”
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“Sir, we need to take him into surgery now.”
“Buck, Evan, I'm here. I'm going to wait right here for you. Dad's-” There's a ragged intake of breath in his ear. “Dad's right here, I'm not leaving. I love you. Please God, don't take my son.”
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Buck groans, throwing off his covers as he goes for the door. He'd been cosily existing in that lazy state between sleep and wake; it was his day off and he was indulging in a lie in.
He opens the door to find his sister standing in the doorway, a single balloon floating above her head.
“Happy Birthday!” She greets him with a hug. Oh… right. Maddie bounces inside then gives him a once over.
“Maybe you should go get changed.” She tells him, her nose scrunched up. “I happen to know that there is a box of your favourite pastries currently on the way here, and finding you looking like something that crawled in off the street isn't going to make your parents worry about you any less.”
Buck concedes that she is probably correct and hurries up to the loft to change and fix his hair. He had caught the concerned glances, the assessing once-overs they tried to be surreptitious about. He knew they had been especially worried after his latest stint in hospital and were making an effort to walk the line between caring and overbearing.
Bobby had taken to piling more food onto his plate as if he thought the younger man wasn't eating enough. Athena had stopped restraining herself from being so overtly affectionate, folding him into her embraces like he'd always belonged there. He felt how much they loved him, how much they worried for him and he didn't want to add to that worry.
He's just coming down the last few steps when there’s a knock on his door, a smile spreads across his face as he makes his way over. Throwing open the door he is equally surprised and disappointed to find Phillip and Margaret Buckley. His smile slips as his eyebrows draw together in confusion.
“Um… hello?” He greets which comes out more like a question.
“Hello, Evan, Happy Birthday.” They both reply, moving past him into the apartment where they greet Maddie warmly. He watches as they lay down a box of pastries on the table and begin chatting with one another.
What the hell? Since when did his parents remember his birthday? Since when did they show up at his house?
He saw that Maddie had moved to the kitchen and was assembling things for tea and coffee. He quickly sidles up next to her and asks under his breath,
“What are they doing here?”
“It's your birthday?” She replies, as if that was obvious.
“And?”
“They're your parents?” Buck gives up on that line of questioning; either Maddie has forgotten about his entire relationship with their parents or she is deliberately ignoring past wrongs to smooth things over. He isn't sure which is worse.
“Only technically.” He mutters under his breath. “How far away are Bobby and Athena?”
“What? Why would your boss be coming here?”
“He's…. No, he's….” Buck's mind stutters, reaching for the answer, unable to form the words he wanted to say.
Nothing's making sense.
Maddie knows why Bobby and Athena would be coming. Maddie knows why his parents wouldn't be there, hell it turns out that Maddie had known more about the reasons his parents had never loved him than he ever did.
This whole morning doesn't make sense. He's starting to feel himself spiral, doubt and insecurity playing a mental cat and mouse game against logic and rationality. Breaths coming faster, he closes his eyes.
It's wrong, it's wrong, there's something he's missing.
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“We're right here, kid.”
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Buck tugs on his collar, feeling suffocated by the tie around his neck, as he looks out at the sea of people. Their friends and family mingle, greeting each other as they find their seats, music playing softly in the background.
Today is the day. He's getting married to the love of his life, declaring himself in front of the most important people in their lives. In the front row he sees Maddie and Chim, with Jee-yun in a sweet puffy dress. Phillip and Margaret sit to their left but the two seats to their right are empty.
Buck's stress grows, ‘where are they?’ He discreetly checks his phone again but there are no unread notifications.
They're supposed to be here, they wouldn't miss this.
That hot, crawling, suffocating feeling is creeping back in, the feeling of wrongness pulling him back under.
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“You keep fighting, baby. Come back to us.”
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Buck reaches into the car, gently removing the tiny, precious baby from the car seat. He cradles her in his arms, the wonderment still fresh as he gazes down as his daughter. His heart squeezes just looking at her, amazed by how such a small bundle can make him feel so much.
“Come on, baby girl, they're waiting.” He tells her as he makes his way up the familiar steps, doing an awkward ‘New Parent Jig’ as he balances the baby and the bag while getting the door open.
“Are you ready to see your grandparents?” He softly asks the snoozing newborn. “Hey Poppy and Neena, guess who's here?” He calls out, bracing himself for the exuberant reaction he is expecting.
There's no response.
Puzzled, he walks further into the house. There's no signs of anyone being home. He does a lap of the house, calling out as he goes.
With no success he returns to the living room confused. He casts his eyes about looking for a clue as to where everyone had gone, knowing that they had been expecting him this afternoon.
His gaze catches on a photo frame and he steps closer. The frame was chosen by him and May together at a market. The photo inside was one that Michael had taken of Harry, May and Buck at a family gathering, passing it along so that the older siblings could get it printed and surprise Bobby with it in time for his birthday. As Buck looks at it now he's confused and grief stricken to see the photo has been changed to one of just Harry and May, seemingly at the very same gathering.
He looks around the room to see if the other photos are still there but they're not. Every photo that he knew he had been in has been changed, like he was just photo-shopped out. It hurts. It doesn't make sense.
The baby starts crying, louder and louder. He shuts his eyes against the onslaught and it fades away.
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“-Mother of mercy, our life, our sweetness, and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve, to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us-”
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Buck's warm and sleepy. He feels peaceful, cushioned somewhere soft and comfortable.
He blinks awake to see he's looking up at fabric. The various cushions and blankets crinkle under his head as he looks around.
It's a blanket fort. A pretty impressive one. There's two single mattresses pushed together on the floor, and more pillows and blankets than he's ever seen in one place littered about under a canopy secured with rope.
Amongst the stuffed toys and layers of soft furnishings Buck can make out two swathes of blonde hair. The lumps in the blankets start to wiggle, then giggle and suddenly he's being beaten with pillows. He finds himself joining in, laughing while he swings his pillow at the boy and girl.
After a time he lets them bury him in cushions, calling out his defeat. They all flop down onto the soft mattresses, chests rising and falling in heaving breaths, their three blonde heads together in the middle.
“That was fun!” Brooke laughs.
“Yeah, and we didn't even break anything this time.” Robbie adds. Buck's stomach rumbles loudly and they all break into giggles again.
“Dad promised us pancakes!”
“With chocolate chips!”
“No! With blueberries!”
“Guys, I'm sure Dad will make both, he always does.” Buck settles their argument before it can gain momentum.
“Come on, race you!” Robbie cries, jumping up from their nest. Brooke's laughter peals out as she scrambles to follow.
“Quick! Buck, let's go!” She urges, slipping out of the blanket fort after her brother.
Buck's crawling for the edge of the mattress when the fort collapses around him. Through the muffling blankets he can hear Brooke and Robbie screaming.
“Dad! Help! Buck's trapped!” One of them yells. “Dad! Buck needs help!”
Their yelling is deadened by the layers on top of him, crushing him but he can still hear their fear, their panic. It scares him more than the suffocating weight that he can't shift.
“Dad?!” He finds himself calling out, joining their cries. Where is he? Their father should have gotten him out by now, what's happening, why isn't his dad answering?
“Robbie?! Dad!?” He's screaming now, flailing uselessly against the debris holding him down. The ringing in his ears is getting louder, rushing in like the sounds coming up to the surface.
“Dad! Help me! Dad?!” People are touching him, holding him, the weight holding him down slowly lifting pound by pound.
“I need my dad! Please! Pops?! Help!” He thrashes, voice raw. His grasping hand is caught in another's, there's a palm against his cheek.
There's a rumbling noise, the comfort of a gentle rain in the distance on a humid summer's night. The sounds take shape until he hears them form his name. His attention snaps to it and he follows.
“Buck. I'm here, bub, I'm here. I've got you. Please, kid. Come back to us.” He says and Buck sobs, pressing his face into the warmth beneath his cheek,
He must have been pulled out of the collapsed fort, rescued. He still can't see but he knows the comfort of this embrace, knows that his dad has him, he is being held and he will be safe.
He squeezes the hand in his and they squeeze back. There's warmth on the nape of his neck, steady pressure, firm but gentle. Careful. Caring. He is safe now.
He lets his eyes open, adjusting to the dim light of the room. His face is pressed into dark material over a warm chest. Bobby's holding him, his tears painting a dark patch on the man's sweater.
Still keeping his cheek firmly pressed to Bobby he looks up and around to find Athena next to them, his hand in hers, tears tracking down her cheeks. He squeezes her hand and tugs, pulling her closer until her head rests next to his on Bobby’s chest.
“You weren't there.” He croaks, surprised to hear his own words escaping. “You… you left me. I was alone, trapped.” Bobby's chest is shaking under his cheek, the three crying together as they hold each other.
“No, bud. You were trapped but you weren't alone. We were right there trying to get you out. We never left, we never gave up on you.” Bobby tells him strongly, willing him to believe him. Buck's breaths shudder in his chest, struggling to get his panic under control.
Memories flit through his head, memories that don't make sense.
“I think I was dreaming.” He says hiccuping . “In my dreams you weren't there.” Hands rub his back soothingly.
“We're here, baby” Athena presses a kiss to his temple.
“I love you both, I… I… I don't want you to forget about me!” He cries, breaking out in a fresh round of tears.
“Never.” Bobby promises, his voice thick. “We will never forget about you, even if you decide to move away,” Buck's already shaking his head, he's not going anywhere, not when he's found his home. “Even if you move away, or decide to pursue a career… in tax law or… or anything, we will always be your family. We will always be here for you.” Bobby tells him, willing him to hear the truth in his words. “We love you, kid.”