Work Text:
I would like to reach out my hand
Now pick me up with golden hands
Send me on my way - Rusted Root
------------------------------------------------
Bobby's just finishing off the popcorn with an extra sprinkle of flaky salt when Maddie appears at his elbow. She had become family, with a standing invitation to Grant-Nash dinners and movie nights. The elder of the Buckley siblings wasn't quite as fiercely theirs as her brother, but it wouldn't take much if she needed them like that.
Buck needed them to be explicit and unyielding in their love for him; his abandonment issues and childhood wounds were something they had to consciously overcome. Unlike Evan, Maddie had gotten the experience of a mostly normal childhood until Daniel had become sick. She had gotten to have the foundation laid, something solid to build on before the pain and confusion settled in like fog.
She still appreciated the Grant-Nashes, sought out their company, stability, the loving family they folded her into, but they didn't need to be so protective with her as they did her brother.
Athena once explained it as “loving loudly”. There's the quiet acts of love that often go unspoken; keeping their favourite soda in the fridge, remembering the things they care about, being the steady presence, the everyday background hum of thoughtfulness, kindness and love. These things are important and lay the foundation.
Then there's the unmissable, unmistakable gestures; the ‘I love you’s, hugs and kisses and hands that are reaching, touching, holding. Parties and presents and praise. Words of affirmation, of affection, of love. Sometimes these things are still done softly, peacefully.
But sometimes these things need to be done loudly, Athena had told him. All three of her children had experienced periods where their doubts and anxieties were so loud that it made it hard for them to hear the quiet love. Like May and the bullies in high school, Harry after Jeffrey Hudson and Buck with his biological parents.
Buck needed to be loved loudly, Maddie didn't, at least not most of the time.
Sensing Maddie's anxiety, Bobby pulls her in, dropping a fatherly kiss on her crown as he says,
“Hey, didn't know you were coming tonight. How are you?”
“I'm good, I wasn't planning on coming but when May said that for family movie night Chris had picked Matilda…” She glances around, checking if anyone was paying attention. “I was… worried.”
Bobby gives the popcorn a shake, trying to understand where Maddie is coming from. Giving up he asks,
“Worried about Matilda? It's a kid's movie?” Maddie furtively looks around again.
“It's Buck.” She whispers. “He used to… have this thing. Whenever Matilda came on TV he would get so upset. Like panic attacks and… hurting himself, just so distraught.” Maddie worries her lip, feeling guilty for telling Bobby but she trusts the older man to look after her brother; she's worried he will need to know this.
“He might be fine now but I just wanted you to know; if he's not… okay then I think it would be better if you could be there for him.”
Bobby nods and presses another kiss to Maddie's hair, and she leans into him, soaking up his steady, parental affection, relieved and trusting that he can handle this.
“Of course, thank you for telling me Maddie, you're a great big sister.” He gives her a soft look. “We'll just see how he goes, but if something happens we've got him.” Bobby reaffirms and Maddie knows she made the right choice, reassured that her brother is in good hands.
As Maddie helps Bobby distribute bowls of popcorn to the family, she takes them all in. Buck sits between Christopher and Athena, both adults listening intently to the young boy, sharing fond smiles and laughs. Next to his son, Eddie is deep in conversation with May as they… are they stalking someone on instagram? Harry is sideways across an armchair, trying to beat a level on his handheld game before the movie starts.
The large sofa is a mess of cushions and throws, three generations of mixed and matched family squished together. As Bobby takes his place beside his wife and hits play, Maddie squeezes in next to May. Maddie feels her eyes sting, happy tears, as she thinks about how grateful she is for the family they have found.
They all laugh, chat and share snacks throughout the movie, so the occasional glances Bobby and Maddie send his way don't make Buck feel like he's being watched. It's actually pretty normal for them to check on him.
Athena says “Thank you, baby.” with a pat on his cheek when he passes her the chocolate, which is normal for them.
Bobby squeezes his shoulder when he walks behind the couch to refill drinks, the gesture one he's done hundreds of times over the years.
Christopher sprawls across Buck and Eddie indiscriminately, like always, the boy's curls tickling his chin.
Harry throws a handful of popcorn at Buck when he laughs at May's teasing which gets them collectively told off with a “Children!” from Bobby and Athena, despite the fact that all but Harry and Chris are grown adults (None of them point that out because the obvious response is “Well then act like it.”). They settle back down, eating the snacks instead of throwing them, gentling their words to affectionate jibes and easy smiles.
It's normal, it's so so normal and it's causing Buck to spiral.
By the time the duo on screen are roller-skating in the living room Buck is close to a panic attack. He counts the seconds until the credits roll then he's up. He feels the crushing squeeze in his chest, the need to run; he needs out. He doesn't want to cause a scene, so he heads for the hallway as if he's going to the bathroom then ducks outside off the patio, gasping lungfulls of the cool evening air.
Bobby meets Maddie's concerned gaze and nods, gesturing for her to stay seated. He leans over to his wife, kissing her cheek and saying,
“I'm going after Buck.” He doesn't need to explain; Athena had seen that her eldest wasn't okay and that he had been trying to hide it.
“Mm hm, take care of our boy.” She murmurs back with a squeeze of his wrist, getting up and directing the family's attention to the games cabinet to keep them occupied.
Bobby finds Buck in the backyard, tucked into the gazebo where he wouldn't be seen through the large glass windows. He's gasping for breath, arms wrapped protectively around himself. When he notices Bobby's presence he turns his back, trying to hide.
“I'm here.” Bobby says softly, gauging how to go about this. Buck doesn't respond, just gasps unevenly with his back to the older man.
“I'm here.” He says again, stepping closer. “I want to help, son.” He tentatively lays a hand on Buck's shoulder, testing his response.
It's no secret that Buck's always been a little touch-starved, that he thrives off the back pats and shoulder squeezes at the station. These days he's positively flourishing with the addition of two parents and another two siblings that wrap their arms around him and hug him with their whole bodies; parents who intentionally spend time with him, who card fingers through his curls, and lovingly cradle his cheek while filling him with words of affirmation.
Bobby sees his son crying through a panic attack and he needs to hold him. Buck doesn't resist, doesn't even try, as Bobby gently turns him around and takes him into his arms. He immediately buries his face into his father's shoulder, his shaking hands fisting the man’s shirt.
“Bud, talk to me.” Bobby pleads, pressing his cheek to Buck's head, like the more contact he makes the more square inches of comfort he would be able to transfer.
His boy is hurting and apparently it doesn't matter that his boy is an adult that he never raised from a child; it feels just the same.
Just the same as holding Robbie as he wailed through the worst of his teething, Bobby crying along with him as he was helpless to take away his baby's pain.
Just the same as cradling Brooke to his chest as she sobbed after a nightmare, the threat imagined but the terror too real. He couldn't protect her from a dream, he could only hold her, tell her she wasn't alone, that he loved her.
The parental drive to fix, to protect, to make everything okay burns in his chest as Buck shakes in his arms.
“It's… stupid… just…” Buck's still hyperventilating and Bobby squeezes him, hoping the deep pressure might ground him. He rocks them a little, modelling deep slow breathing.
“In and out, kid. I've got you.” Bobby soothes. When Buck's gasps have settled some, he asks “Did the movie… upset you? Or…” Remind you of just how shitty your parents are?
Buck hiccups, trying to keep his breathing under control.
Upset? Would he say the movie makes him upset?
Sure, but that doesn't quite cover the Yearning Gut-twisting I-need-to-scream-until-no-sound-comes-out This-hole-will-never-be-filled Aching Wanting that he feels.
Buck pulls back and tries to scrape together an answer.
“It's… her parents, they just don't care, they don't love her and it's…” he trails off. Bobby waits patiently, no irritation or judgement in his face, just concern. “It's stupid, just a thing I had about it when I was a kid." Buck dismisses, ducking his face back into Bobby's shoulder. Hiding.
"Buck," Bobby sighs, trying to keep his rage at the boy's parents under control. "it's not stupid to want to be loved. Your parents... they… weren't there for you." He says as diplomatically as possible, knowing his anger isn't helpful here, despite how strong it is. "I can understand why Matilda’s parents get to you, it's-"
"It's not just them," Buck explodes, "it's the end! It's Miss Honey choosing Matilda, she wants her. She stands up and claims this kid that no one wants and then they make a home and there's so much love and joy. They enjoy each other! It's..." Buck pants, searching for the words.
"All my life I have been unwanted. I was only made to save the son my parents actually wanted. And then he died anyway and they were stuck with me. Then Maddie needed to get away from them but even she didn't care about me enough to stick around or take me with her. She left me there. And I needed to get out of there too but it's… no one ever wanted me enough to keep me."
"We do, Buck." Bobby interrupts, pulling his son to his chest, arms cradling him tightly. “We want you, we're keeping you.”
Buck turns his face away and admits into the quiet of the evening,
"I didn't think you'd want me back after the lawsuit.". His insecurity spotlights the unspoken request for reassurance.
"I do, of course I do. There was... a lot of feelings but I never stopped loving you. I never meant to push you away, I just wanted you to be safe and I went about it the wrong way."
Buck nods against Bobby's shoulder; they've talked about this before, it's a reminder not a revelation.
"Kid, you're wanted." Bobby vows, Buck nods again. “I know you're not a little kid, it's… it's too late, it's not like we can fix what happened but know that I would.” God, Bobby would in a heartbeat. If he could go back in time, if he could rewrite history, if he could save one, or even all three, of his sunshine children from their cruel childhood fates… Buck doesn't speak, just soaking in the comfort Bobby offers so readily.
“Buck, I do claim you. I'll put it in writing if you want." Buck huffs out a mirthless chuckle, gaze locked on the darkened garden, refusing to look at Bobby.
"Would it make you feel better? To have it written down on paper, to have a signature proving... what? That you're wanted? That you're mine? That Athena and I choose you, and we will never change our minds?" It's the way Bobby says it, with sincerity and openness; he's not mocking, he's asking genuinely.
"No?" Buck sniffs, pulling away. "Maybe, I don't know?” He’s so confused, what a ridiculous thing to offer, he's a grown man not some little kid. It sounds dumb and childish… but… it also sounds like something he might find comfort in.
He imagines how it would feel to be able to pull out a piece of paper in his darkest moments and have proof, verifiable evidence that the cruel voices in his head are full of shit and he is wanted and loved, that he does have a family.
"Wait here." Bobby instructs, giving Buck's shoulder a reassuring squeeze before he ducks away. He returns after a minute with a notepad and a pen, which he sets down under the glow of a solar lantern on an outdoor table.
"If I'm off base or overstepping, tell me, okay?" He says before he starts scrawling across the paper. Buck watches over his shoulder, heart beating wildly in his chest as he sees the words take shape.
'Adoption Agreement
I, Robert Wade Nash, agree to adopt Evan Buckley; to assume all rights and responsibilities of a Parent/Child relationship.
R.Nash
I, Evan Buckley, agree to be adopted by Robert Wade Nash; to assume all rights and responsibilities of a Parent/Child relationship.
__________'
“Read this.” Bobby says unnecessarily, sliding the paper towards him; Buck can't do anything but read the paper.
“If this isn't something you want then that's okay, nothing has to change… this is about what you want.” Buck reads the words again.
"Uh… um, are you sure?" He asks, bewildered. Are you sure you want this? Want me?
"I am, kid." Bobby looks so sincere, a little nervous but his face is all love love love.
"This looks pretty legit." The younger man breathes, an unspoken question.
"It's… Athena and I have talked about it… we've been reading up on it." Bobby admits nervously. "This isn't legally binding," he glances to Evan, gauging his reaction. "but it is the first step if you did... want that."
"Bobby?" Buck asks, voice strangled. "Are you offering to legally, like actually, properly, adopt me, as a grown ass man?" This is absurd. Absurd and unfathomably kind.
"If that's what you want." He replies, still unsure of Buck's reaction. "The State of California has a pretty straightforward process for 'Adult Adoption'. And you're ours no matter what,” He adds quickly, reassurance offered freely. “but we want you to be taken care of, to be equal to Harry and May, to our family, to the law, if anything were to happen. We want you to… to have it be real." Suddenly Buck's in his arms, tears dampening Bobby's shirt. "We don't have to though, if I've gone too far-"
"No, no, no, Pops, I want it, yes!" Buck cuts him off, grabbing for the pen and signing gleefully before Bobby can change his mind, not that he would.
Bobby laughs, gathering his son into his arms again.
"I love you, kid." He says, cheek pressed to Buck's head.
“I love you too, Dad.”
