Work Text:
All my nightmares escaped my head
Bar the door, please don’t let them in
You were never supposed to leave
Now my head’s splitting at the seams
And I don’t know if I can…
Welcome Home, Son - Radical Face
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Buck's on auto-pilot as a nurse escorts him to the waiting room and he stumbles backwards into a hard plastic chair. There's a roar in his ears, maybe the after effects of the constant sirens or maybe just the blood pulsing.
Like waves.
An ocean in a storm. A tsunami.
The waves batter against him before crashing, dragging him down.
Waves of fear; fear of losing Bobby. He thinks of Bobby standing in front of him then gone the next second, dragged away from him by the crumbling building, lost to be swallowed by the ground that opened up below.
Crash.
He thinks of Bobby, his father in every way that matters, being wheeled through the hospital doors, of being held back by a nurse, of wishing he had been able to claim "No, he's my dad, I need to stay with him!".
Crash.
Then the next set of waves. Desperate longing. Would Bobby fight to come back for him? Would Bobby think of him? Does anyone think of him? Does anyone even want him? Could they ever?
Crash.
The fear is like a rip pulling him out to sea.
No one has ever stuck around for Buck. Or Evan. Whoever he is. His parents didn't want him. Maddie left him. She came back and left again, he knows he's forgettable. Abby. Ali. Taylor. Now Bobby’s gone.
He's alone and adrift.
The plastic under Buck shifts slightly as someone sits down next to him, warm hands taking his cold ones and giving them a gentle rub.
"Buck?" A warm voice calls to him over the din in his mind.
There's warmth against his shoulder, he feels his hand be pulled and someone pressing light kisses to the back of his knuckles.
"Baby, are you hurt?"
"'Thena." Buck hears his own voice slur, feeling like he's wading through mud as he tries to sync back up to the world.
"I'm here, honey." Athena is still pressing her lips to his hand which she holds firmly between her own, the warmth grounding him a little more.
“Did you get checked out yet, Buckaroo?" He shakes his head a little.
"Mm fine," he mumbles, still spacey, "it was Bobby..." And the words finally make him breach the surface where he is hit with a different kind of panic. Athena. Athena is here.
She must see or sense the moment he freezes up because she winds an arm around him and holds him while she looks him over with an assessing eye.
“I'm sorry.” He whispers shamefully to his shoes.
“What, baby?” She asks but he won't meet her eyes.
“I'm sorry.” He says again just as quietly, but locks down any emotions that try to rise. He's apologising because he wasn't able to save her husband. He won't make her comfort him, not when he's failed, not when he doesn't deserve or expect her to want to be near him. He shoves down the urge to cry “Momma” and sob in her arms.
“This is not your fault, honey.” She tells him, arm still around him. "I asked on the way in and they said he's still in surgery, but he's stable, they’re expecting him to pull through just fine." Buck releases a breath, relieved to hear the update. When he had asked earlier he had been reminded he wasn't family.
"It's good news, just a waiting game now." She says, trying to reassure him, squeezing the strangely still and silent boy.
Athena sees May enter the waiting room, her hair swishing as she looks around for her mother in a panic.
"Mom!" May exclaims as she rushes over. Athena rises to meet her daughter, who throws herself into her arms.
Buck, now not being physically tethered to the waiting room, to the other occupants of the waiting room realises how out of place he is. Bobby's family is here now. His wife, his daughter, his son probably not far behind. And Buck isn't family, not really.
He rises, taking a step back from the hugging mother and daughter in front of him. He needs to leave. Just slip out and they can just forget about him. He takes another step as May looks up and catches his eye.
"Oh, if you're going to the vending machine could you please get me something too? I was about to take my lunch break when Mom called."
Buck freezes in his retreat.
"Um, sure." He croaks, voice ticking up at the end, making it sound more like a question.
"Could you get me a tea while you’re there, please?" Athena asks as she riffles through her purse before she finds her card and presses it into his hands. "And make sure you get yourself something to eat and a bottle of water. I know you came straight off a shift." She tells him off in her motherly way. His breath hitches.
She raises a hand to gently cup his cheek, bringing his eyes up to meet hers. "We could be waiting a while…all of us, here together," She gives him a little shake, sass and exasperation bleeding through.
Buck ducks his head, feeling vulnerable, like Athena's mom-radar can see right through him. She steps closer, arms going around him, his coming around her automatically.
“Your dad is going to want to see you when he wakes up, and I know you won't be able to relax until you've seen him with your own eyes.” She tells him, tucking her head under his chin, like she's taking comfort in him too. “You should take a walk, go on a vending machine spending spree on your Momma's card, but then you come back here.”
Buck huffs, embarrassed at being caught trying to sneak off, at letting the insecurity and anxiety rise up to make him doubt his place with them. Athena drags him down so she can place a kiss on his forehead.
"You're ours, baby. You belong here, with us."
When a doctor calls for the family of Robert Nash, Buck feels frozen by anxiety. Like a magnet he follows blindly after Athena, and barely registers that she introduces their group as “his wife and our kids” when the doctor asks. He doesn't hear the words they say over the roaring in his ears, the thumping of his heart.
He's pulled gently by his wrist down corridors, through double doors with intercoms and past nurses stations. When they come to a stop outside a room, May gives him a final squeeze before she follows her mother inside. Buck stays frozen.
“Hi Buck, I'm Nancy, could you come in here please?” An older woman appears at the door, beckoning him. “Dad's very worried and we need his heart rate to come down.”
“What?” Buck stammers at the nurse.
“Sweetheart, I know it can be scary to come in here,” She starts quietly, kindly, like he's some scared family member on a scene. “but your dad is really worried about you and he needs to see you.” He hasn't moved, more out of a paralysing sense of anxiety and shock than deliberate non-compliance. Nancy tries again. “He needs to see that you're okay. If we can't get him to calm down we may need to sedate him.” She implores, which finally has his feet moving forward.
He steps into the hospital room, there's monitors and pumps and various wires and tubes all collected around the lone hospital bed.
The relief Buck feels at seeing Bobby alive, whole and conscious is quickly dashed by seeing the level of distress the man seems to be in. Athena's holding his hand and rubbing his chest, trying to calm him down. He's heaving, words catching in his throat as tries to speak through broken off sobs, tears clouding his eyes.
“I-... Where-... Please-... My son-... God-...” Bobby pants, anguish clear on his face. Buck steps further into the room, part of him wanting to rush in, leap onto the bed and cuddle up next to his dad, the more anxious insecure parts telling him that his presence will only make a bad situation worse, that he’s the cause of this, that he didn’t do enough to prevent this.
When Bobby sees him he lets out a gasping sob, then he cries his name, arms reaching for his boy. Buck goes, still feeling oddly numb, like his brain that feels things and has emotions isn’t quite connected to his body. He lets himself be pulled in, his face smushed into Bobby's shoulder as the man wraps two arms around him firmly. Bobby shakes with the sobs, ‘which can't be good for his stitches’, Buck thinks, remembering Nancy's not-quite threat of sedating Bobby if they can't get him calm.
“I'm okay, see I'm fine, barely a scratch.” Buck murmurs from Bobby's chest, repeating the reassurances until the man’s shaking slows.
“Oh God, Evan, I was so worried!” Bobby cries and Buck feels unmoored, slightly hysterical.
“You were worried? You were-” Buck cuts himself off, not having meant to speak in the first place.
“Of course I was, I couldn't see you, I didn't know- You-.” The hyperventilating is starting up again and this time Buck keeps his mouth shut, keeps his thoughts inside his head.
You couldn't see me? Yeah because you fell through two floors and I was just standing there, useless, as you disappeared. I thought you died!
How was Bobby worried for him? Buck had been there, just out of arm's reach, when the floor had collapsed taking Bobby with it. Bobby was the one that fell, that was hurt, not him. Again, Buck had just been the one standing there.
He feels like he's still standing on the precipice, one hand still extended for his bosscaptainmentorPopsfatherDad who was already gone, two floors below buried in rubble and dust.
“God, Buck, I was so scared. I love you so much, son. I was so scared I'd lost you.” Buck hears the words and feels something splinter. His fingers grip the hospital gown more tightly, tears gather in his eyes, his chest grows uncomfortably tight.
“Baby, Buck's right here, he's okay.” Athena soothes when Buck stays uselessly silent against Bobby's shoulder. “You feel him here, right now.” Her fingers link with her husband’s where they hold their boy. “He came with you to the hospital, he's had something to eat, he's been looking after me and May.”
“He went to three different vending machines for me because he said I had to have a balanced meal.” May tells Bobby from next to him. “He definitely gets that from you.” Buck only just realises that she's also pressed against his side, head resting on Bobby's other shoulder. The younger man still feels too much but too numb to use words right now.
“Mm, he's his father's son.” Athena says fondly, her words making the tears spill down her husband's cheeks again as he presses a kiss to his boy's hair.
“And a really good big brother.” May adds softly, one of her arms laying across Buck, cuddling her brother and dad in one hug. When Buck still doesn't react, drowning in his own head, she says,
“We all know you did everything you could.” May pierces effortlessly through him, somehow knowing exactly what he's thinking and how to help. “No one blames you, Ev, there's nothing else you could have done, we're just grateful you're okay.”
God, she's so wise. She's definitely Athena's daughter. So direct, so kind, so fiercely loving. Buck doesn't realise he's crying until he feels Athena's hand on his cheek.
He had been so scared. Scared that Bobby was injured or worse, that people would blame him, that people would wish it had been him instead.
Standing on the edge of the collapse, he wished it had been him.
But now he's here, in an embrace with his mother, father and younger sister. His dad is alive, he's going to recover. His family wants him, they take care of him when he's struggling, they value him and appreciate what he does for them. They're all going to be okay.
Buck feels something shift, something settle within him. Not a fix-all but another important step on the way to healing. Today something terrible happened, heart-stopping in the moment, and coldly terrifying in the unknowing after.
It had been the kind of day that could raise tempers, have people looking for someone to blame, have people feeling helpless and emotional and lashing out. It wouldn't be the first time he had been the emotional, or even physical, punching bag for other people's frustrations.
But today, no one had blamed him, no one's told him how stupid and selfish and exhausting he is. No one said “you should have saved him, he was important and you failed”.
He thinks of his family, his chosen, true family, and how instead they said:
stay
you're ours
you did good
I love you