Archive of Our Own ^beta

Viago paced the floor nervously. It had been a long time since he’d had a flat mate. When he got to Wellington and realized Katherine was married, it was quite a blow. But he had to have a place to put his coffin, so he went to work finding a suitable house to rent. It was very difficult to rent a flat when one could only look at night.

Fortunately there were people in town who didn’t ask a lot of questions when it came to renting. He’d found a place through an ad in the Wellington Times and hypnotized someone into signing the papers for him during business hours. The place was a little bit of a fixer upper, but when one was dead the fine details became less important. It wasn’t like he would be entertaining often.

The rent was too high for him to afford on his own so he began looking for flat mates to share expenses. He was hoping they would also share his love of music, pottery, and little fireplace shovels.

The doorbell rang and he hurried to answer it. It was Vladislav. They had met at Big Kumara a few weeks before. He was much older and, Viago thought, wiser but he had some outdated ideas too.

“Hello, good to see you," Viago said, “Vladislav, isn’t it?”

“You can call me Vlad the Poker. I had quite a reputation in the old days. Maybe you heard of me."

"No, I don't think so."

Vlad sighed. "Let me look around this place. Does it have a dungeon?” He entered and immediately started looking in all the rooms.

“Not exactly,” Viago said," trailing after him anxiously, "but it has a few downstairs rooms. Perhaps you could find something suitable.”

Vlad went upstairs then came back down. “So you have the big room upstairs. I want that room. It’s the nicest one in the flat.”

“Well, you see, I already have my coffin in there, and you know how difficult they can be to move.”

“I used to rule a kingdom and now I don’t even get the best room in the flat,” Vlad said, shaking his head. He continued to poke around the rooms until he was satisfied. “All right, I’ll take it. Let me get my things.”

A few minutes later he returned with a table lamp.

Viago craned his neck, looking past him to the dark yard. “So it’s just the lamp then? I guess that will be all right. The place could use some nonfatal lighting.”

“I’m having my coffin delivered later tonight, along with a set of implements. Now let me go pick out a torture chamber.”

Just then the doorbell rang again. Viago opened it and a strange man stepped in.

“I heard you are looking for a flat mate,” he said.

“Well, I was, but you see, Vlad here has already spoken for...” Viago began.

“I’m Deacon,” he broke in. “This place looks big enough for me and my friend." He whistled and a group of seventeen men came into view, dragging a cart with a stone sarcophagus on it. “This is my friend, Petyr. He can occupy any empty space you have.”

“He’s in that… box?” Viago asked.

“Yes. He’s 8,000 years old. They built coffins to last back then. And to keep the unholy denizens of Hell from rising and drinking the blood of the living.”

“Petyr is in there now?”

“He likes to sleep in. I suggest you don’t try to open it. He can be a bit touchy when he’s awoken too early.”

The men dragged the huge stone box into the living room, then left.

“Hey!” Viago called after them. “You can’t leave that here!”

“It’s all right, when Petyr wakes up he’ll move it himself. Just let me find a good spot.” Deacon wandered off.

Vlad came back in. “There's a downstairs room that will do nicely. I knocked a hole in a pipe to make the water drip. A dungeon must be damp." He noticed the sarcophagus and eyed it suspiciously. "What is this?” he asked.

“It seems we may have another flat mate… or two,” Viago replied hesitantly. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“He can’t have my room,” Vlad said quickly. “Or my torture chamber.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll work something out.”

Vlad went over and started to push the lid off the sarcophagus. As the box lid scraped open Petyr hissed and grabbed him by the throat.

“Bloody hell,” Viago said, trying to pry Petyr’s hand from Vlad’s neck. Vlad transformed into a bat, slipping out of Petyr’s grasp. Without missing a beat, Petyr grabbed Viago. Just then Deacon rushed in.

“Petyr, stop that,” he said sternly, handing his friend a rat he’d found in the basement. The ancient vampire released Viago and Deacon pushed the lid back in place.

“I told you he can be cranky when he wakes up too early,” Deacon said.

“You and your friend can go now,” said a bat with Vlad’s face. “I was here first.”

Deacon said to Viago, “I’m willing to pay twice what he’s paying in rent.”

“Of course you will, there’s two of you,” Viago said, rubbing his neck.

“Yes, well…” Deacon shrugged.

“Look, I know we got off to a bad start,” Viago said. “But I think we can work out our differences. You two seem like a couple of cool guys. Vlad, come down from there and we can talk this out.”

Vlad fluttered down, transforming into a man as he did so. “I’m not giving up my room and that’s final.”

“No problem,” Deacon said. “I lost my coffin a long time ago. There is a closet in the hall that will do nicely for me.”

“How did you lose your coffin?” Viago asked.

“I lost it in a swamp.”

“A swamp? That must be an interesting story,” Vlad said.

“It is." He paused then rubbed his hands together, satisfied. “So, if that is settled I’ll have my familiar bring my things over tomorrow.”

“It is not settled,” Viago said, stamping his foot. “First, Deacon, you must make sure Petyr is secure in there, we don’t want any more mishaps. Second, Vlad, you must make sure that if you torture people here the screaming can’t be heard from outside. We don’t want the police or vampire hunters showing up on our doorstep, now do we?”

“If those are the only rules I’m good with that,” Deacon said.

“I can’t make any promises but I’ll do what I can,” Vlad said.

“Of course those aren’t the only rules. We may have to make more rules depending on how things work out.”

“Once we decide about the rules I’ll decide if I’m going to stay,” Deacon said.

“I’ll stay if I’m the one who gets to make the rules,” Vlad said.

“We should probably decide on things like that together,” Viago said. “It will work out better if we do. We can have a meeting.”

“Like what things?” Vlad asked.

“Just the kind of things people work out when they live together, like how loud to play the music and who will do which chores.”

“Chores? Vampires don’t do chores!” Deacon said indignantly. “That’s why we have familiars.”

“Well, yes, familiars are nice to have but we all have to pitch in during the times when our familiars aren’t around or if something needs to be done right away,” Viago said.

“Like changing a light bulb.” Vlad put in.

“Yes, that’s a good example. Who will do things like that?”

“Why do we need to change light bulbs? We can see in the dark,” Deacon said.

“That was more of an example I think,” Viago said. “There are plenty of other things too.”

“Whatever you decide is fine with me. It’s almost daylight and I’m going to sleep,” Deacon said. “Maybe just do up a chore wheel or something.” He left and they heard the door to the closet open and close.

“A chore wheel?” Vlad said.

“You know, that’s actually a pretty good idea,” Viago decided. “I’ll get to work on that right now.”