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As Nick laid on his bed, failing miserably against the computer as he played Mario Kart alone, all he could think about was how he wished Charlie was sat alongside him, thrashing him at every game. Charlie would never let him win, in all the time they’d been together. But Nick didn’t care, he’d give anything to have Charlie back by his side. If Charlie was here, they’d play a few games of Mario Kart and when Nick finally got fed up of losing, he’d lean over and start tickling Charlie, which would always lead to kissing and then sex. Nick missed all of it. The games, the fun, the way Charlie’s body felt beneath his fingertips.
Just as he was about to start crying again, he heard his door click open. He thought it was his mum checking in on him, so he was surprised when he turned and saw David peering around his door. He looked away without saying anything hoping David would just leave him alone.
“Still sulking?” David asked as he entered Nick’s room. “I mean, it’s…it’s rough though.” Sitting down on the bed with his back to Nick, David continued, “Genuinely, I feel for you.” When Nick didn’t reply, David turned and asked, “You wanna talk, or…?”
Nick just closed his eyes in disbelief; he’d never had the sort of relationship with his brother where they shared their feelings, not unless you count anger and bitterness.
“Okay…” David scoffed as he turned around and stood up to leave, knowing that he’s probably at least partly to blame for the way things are between them. Before he left he decided now was as good a time as any to tell him his news. Turning back to face his brother, David announced, “Oh, I’m going to Paris. Dad offered me a job. So I’ll be gone. I’m sure that’ll cheer you up.”
Nick tossed his controller aside, and was about to reply when David added, “I know you think I worship him, but I… I, really… I don’t. He’s a shit dad. Always has been, but… I’m not like him, Nick.You know, he hurt me too.”
“I know,” Nick replied, because he really did. Every time their dad had said he’d show up and then didn’t, Nick had seen the toll that had taken on David. The disappointment etched on his face every time their mum had told them that their dad wouldn’t be able to make it for birthdays, Christmas’, or just being there for them when they were growing up, like a normal dad would.
When David realises Nick has nothing more to say to him, he gently shuts Nick’s bedroom door and skulks back to his room. Sat on his own bed, his back practically aligned with his brother’s just the other side of the thin wall that separated them, David threw his head down into his hands. He wished he and Nick had a better relationship. He knew that was at least partly his own fault, but he feared things between them were too broken to be fixed.
🍂🍂🍂
A few days later, when Nick came home from working at the dog shelter, his mum, Sarah, was sitting at the kitchen table when she announced, “Your brother’s moving out.”
“Yeah, he told me that.” Nick replied, before adding, “I think it’s a mistake.”
“So do I, but you know what he’s like. He can’t be told things.”
Nick paused as he again thought back to all the things his dad had ruined in their lives. “God, Dad really fucked us up, didn’t he? Years after he left, I… I was still just moving through life with a fake smile on my face. I couldn’t even make real friends until…” Nick stopped himself from saying Charlie’s name, even though several weeks had passed, it still felt too raw. “It’s still in my brain. And now he’s ruined the one beautiful thing that I had in my life, because I thought if I even stepped a toe out of line, if I was ever too sad or… or angry… or difficult, then he would just leave. God, it’s all wrong. I didn’t wanna break up.”
It was the first time Nick had said it out loud. He’d played that day back in his mind so many times since it happened. It was as though he’d been powerless to stop it. For years, he’d kept everything he was feeling buried deep inside, scared that the fragile tightrope he was walking through life would snap and send him crashing down to the ground.
Then that night, in the kitchen, the dam finally broke. The words had just spewed out of him before he could stop himself. All the anger, and the hurt, unleashed and misdirected at the man he loved. When Charlie said that they should have some space, he felt like it was just how it was destined to be. His dad had left him and put so much space between them that he barely saw him now, it was inevitable that Charlie would do the same.
Snapped back to the moment, his mum reassured him, “Well, that’s a relief. Do you know sweetheart, some people, they go a whole lifetime without knowing themselves even a fraction of what you’ve just expressed.”
‘If only he’d worked it out sooner’, Nick thought to himself. Maybe then he and Charlie would still be together.
“ Look at me, I ended up marrying a man who abandoned ship as soon as our kids weren’t babies any more. I see my part in the mistakes…”
“No–” Nick interrupted, ready to defend his mum who had always been there for him and David, no matter what.
“No, no, no, it’s fine. I don’t blame myself any more.” his mum insisted. “What I’m saying is, I’d wish I’d known myself better. I wish I’d understood him better, understood our relationship better. Before it caused so much pain. With or without Charlie, you will be fine. You will find yourself again. But I just don’t want you to give up on it before it’s over. Charlie loves you. The real you.”
“It’s too late.” Nick sighed, truly believing that he’d allowed the best thing to ever happen to him slip through his fingers.
“No, it’s not,” Sarah insisted. “Love isn’t destiny or fate or some kind of Cosmic force. Love is a choice. It’s a choice every day, and you can… you can lean towards it or away from it, and you have always leant towards it. That is just who you are. I think that’s who Charlie is as well.”
“Thanks Mum, but Charlie asked for space and I think things between us are really over.” Nick looked down at the drink in his hand, deflated.
Placing her hand on top of his, Sarah gently said, “Have you tried to talk to him?”
Looking up, Nick blushed as he stammered, “Well… er… no, but–”
“You’ll never know if you don’t try, baby.”
Nick gave her a weak smile, despite his gut telling him she was wrong.
🍂🍂🍂
As Nick headed back to his room after his chat with their mum, he noticed his brother’s door was open and David was hunched over the bed, his suitcase splayed out in front of him.
“You’re really going then?” Nick asked from the doorway.
Looking over his shoulder, “Don’t worry, you’ll be rid of me in a couple of days,” David snarked.
Putting his hands on his hips, Nick replied, “Why do you always do that? Why do you always have to turn everything into a fight? I thought the other day, maybe you’d changed but clearly it must have been a blip in your otherwise charming personality.”
Nick turned to leave when David called out, “Nick, wait.”
Nick stopped in his tracks, his back still to his brother.
“I’m… sorry, alright.” Nick turned just as David sat on the bed, looking down at the floor. “I just got off the phone with Dad. He was supposed to be meeting me off the train in Paris when I arrive, but it seems Martine has persuaded him to take her away. So he won’t be back for 2 weeks.”
“That sucks, he really is a shit dad.”
“Yeah, he is,” David admitted.
“Do you really want to go?” Nick asked, causing David to look up.
“It’s a job,” David said matter of factly before reluctantly adding, “and I thought maybe if I was there, he’d have less of a reason to avoid me.”
“He’ll keep letting you down, you know? He’s been doing it all our lives.”
David felt himself getting angry, “You don’t know that!”
“Why would he change the habit of a lifetime just because you’re in the same city?”
David didn’t have an answer for that, he knew Nick was right, but he hated that he was right too.
“Why don’t you stay… with us,” Nick suggested.
“Yeah, cos you really want me to stick around. I saw how annoyed you were when I moved back in.”
“Because you’re always being a dick!” Nick insisted, but quickly continued before David could respond, “Sorry, that was harsh. It’s just…” Nick sighed, “Dad really screwed things up between us.”
“Yeah.”
“So, would you rather be alone in a city full of people you don’t know, always hoping that Dad will be there to give you the time we missed out on as kids? Or… why not stay with us, with me and Mum, the people that have always been here for you… even when you weren’t very nice to be around at times.”
“And what would I do for work? If I don’t go to Paris, I’ll be out of a job!” David countered.
“David! You got 2:1 at uni, you could have your pick of jobs here in Truham or even in London which isn’t that far to commute.”
“Why do you care so much about what I do?” David asked, out of genuine curiosity.
“Because, you’re family and despite all the hurt between us in the past, I don’t want to lose you because of him too.”
David sat down, shocked, “You really want me to stay?”
Exasperated, Nick sighed out, “YES!”
“Okay,” David said.
“You’ll stay?” Nick asked.
“I’ll stay,” David nodded before adding, “but you’re buying me new headphones so I don’t have to listen to you having sex with anyone on the other side of that wall.”
Nick blushed.