Work Text:
Sakura can't help but find himself thinking about the things Umemiya told him sometimes. How couldn't he? It hit so incredibly close to home, closer than he was comfortable admitting.
Especially with the other believing he was a murderer.
He still hears his father's voice sometimes. That deep rumbling voice that he felt to his very core, words cold and full of a hatred he didn't know family could feel for their kin.
'You murderer.'
He was only a child when the words were uttered and they felt like a gut punch. He thought he'd finally found his family, had finally found people who would love him…but he was wrong. Of course he was wrong? He was a murderer, after all, he was the reason his mother died and on top of that, he was born a freak. He'd been a fool for thinking he'd ever be accepted somewhere..
At least, that's what he used to believe. It's what the world told him, so he'd convinced himself it was the truth.
He never expected that coming to Makochi would change his life in the way it did. That joining Furin would change everything.
He was constantly meeting new people. People who didn't scorn him for the way he looked. Didn't blame him for the death of a woman he never even got to know. Didn't run when he lashed out.
They waited. They were patient with him, giving him time, making sure he knew he could rely on them. Making sure he knew they cared.
It was good for him, really, they were good for him. It's like he said to Momijikawa; they'd made his past exactly that, something in the past. They were his future and they cared for him no matter what he'd been through. They gave him a purpose. A place to belong.
A home.
Love.
…
And yet.
Sometimes he still thinks about it. Thinks about his past. About Umemiya's past. About their similarities.
"Murderer."
They were both so convinced back then and while they aren't anymore, Sakura can't help but wonder if he thinks of it sometimes, too.
The sun is setting when Sakura makes his way up to the roof. Hiragi told him Bofurin's leader would be up there for a while still, he was apparently planting something new? So if he wanted to talk to him, now was as good a time as any.
The door is silent when it opens and he wonders how often they grease the hinges to keep it so quiet. Eyes scanning the roof, he almost doesn't see his senior, only to pause, raising a brow when he does. Why is he under the table..?
"Umemiya?"
The older teen jolts in surprise, head slamming against the table in the quick movement. Sakura winces as Umemiya hisses in pain, a hand cupping the back of his head.
"Owww…." He's whining, though really, Sakura shouldn't be surprised by that. He doesn't blame him, either, that sounded painful. He slides out from under the table, a small seed packet in his other hand, and he connects the dots. Must have fell when he went to grab them.. "Sakura! Hiragi told me you were going to be coming by sometimes!"
Ah.
Of course he did.
"Want to help me plant some cucumbers?" Umemiya's grin is almost blinding and Sakura squints slightly, leaning back.
"Uh…actually, could we talk?" Eyes flittng to the side, he raises a hand to the back of his neck, shifting from foot to foot. "I…have a few questions for you. About your, uh…your past..?"
Umemiya's eyes widen slightly, staring at Sakura, before a calmer smile settles on his lips. "Yeah, we can do that."
Grabbing two bottles of water from the cooler, the pair climbs up onto the roof of the stairway, the same spot they sat that day Umemiya told him everything. It's nostalgic, in a weird way. A reminder of what happened over a month ago, of that vulnerability Umemiya shared with his underclassman despite not needing to…well. Sakura didn't think he needed to, but Umemiya insisted it was necessary.
He's grateful the other doesn't push as they get comfortable, giving Sakura time to decide on his words. He came here with a purpose, he knows he did, but actually voicing it makes his stomach twist. What if this was a mistake? What if he brings back bad feelings for the other? What if-
"Sakura." Umemiya's voice is warm. Soft. A gentle hand touches his back and he doesn't flinch away from it like he would have done months ago. He must have shown something on his face to get his soft assurances. "Whatever you have to ask, it won't anger me. I promise."
How can he make a promise like that? Even with how much Sakura has grown, he doesn't think he will ever understand it.
"..right," he says quietly anyways, eyes glued to the scenery before them, no fence blocking their view.
Silence falls over the two again despite his agreement and Umemiya doesn't push. His hand slides away from his back and moves into his own lap, giving the boy time to decide on his words. It's peaceful, in a way.
He feels bad for ruining it.
"…I've been thinking about the things you told me," he finally starts, voice cautious. He can feel Umemiya's eyes on him, but he doesn't look back. "And I thought about some of the…similarities between us."
There's a soft 'Ah..' from beside him, but Umemiya doesn't say more than that, so Sakura takes that as a sign to continue.
"..how…" Faltering, he feels Umemiya's knee touch his own and it helps him to relax with a sigh. "How long did it take you to stop…thinking you were the one who killed them..? I know that foster worker guy helped you when he was taking you home that day, but did you still…you know…think about it? Blame yourself? Even after that?"
Umemiya is quiet for a moment and when Sakura finally looks at him, he sees a hand on his chin as he seems to think. Was it that difficult of a question..? Well. He supposes he did ask him if he still blamed himself for the death of his family sometimes..
"Sorry-"
"Well, I do still blame myself sometimes," Umemiya finally admits, voice cutting through Sakura's.
"…huh?"
The older teen laughs and looks at Sakura. It feels like the air is punched out of him, eyes widening slightly when he sees that soft smile on his face, his posture tensing. Why..?
"I was a child when it happened, so really, it makes sense I still blamed myself sometimes. Even though I knew they wouldn't want me to, even though I knew they were happy to have saved me, I still felt guilt. They were my family, after all." Blue eyes look out towards the town and Sakura can't help but think he looks…kind of sad. "Even today, I think about it sometimes. Think about how things would be so different if they were still here, where I would be today."
Umemiya leans back on his hands, his head tilting back to look up at the slowly darkening sky. "But I try not to linger on it. Even when it feels like there's a pit in my gut, I think about where I am now. I think about the people I know, about where I am at, and I know where I'm supposed to be."
Sakura's eyes widen slightly, breath catching.
"I hate to admit it, but if that day had turned out any differently, my life would be…so different. I never would have ended up in Furinen, never would have met that boy who changed my life. I never would have met Hiragi, Tsubaki, Mizuki, Mamose, Sugishita…never met you and the rest of the people here." Those piercing eyes flit towards Sakura, even with his face still tilted towards the sky. "I never would have fixed Furin. The town would likely still be the dangerous place it used to be…and when I remember that, I know that I am where I need to be.
I miss my parents, but I know they would be proud of the man I've become. And I know they wouldn't want me to wish for it to be any way else. And I don't want it to be. This is my home and I love it more than anything."
Sakura's voice feels caught in his throat, unable to tear his gaze away from the older teen. It…makes sense, if he really thinks about it. If things were different, would any of them be here now? Would he have found the home he now had?
"Do…do you ever feel guilty for not wishing things were different?"
"No." The answer is immediate, those eyes not leaving Sakura's. "And you shouldn't, either."
The boy flinches, quickly breaking the eye contact to look away.
"That's what you're here about, isn't it?"
He wishes his stomach didn't churn, wishes he didn't feel sick. Swallowing hard, he takes a drink of his water in an attempt to wet his dried out mouth, to ease his nerves. It doesn't help much.
At least Umemiya doesn't push, ever the patient man. He just waits, eyes on Sakura, before the younger teen finally speaks.
"I…I know it's not my fault, I know I didn't kill her, but he drilled into me and I..." He squeezes his water bottle, plastic crinkling in his hand. "..I can't help but wonder what she was like. If people were so mad that I'd killed her, what was she like? Was she kind? Was she warm? Did she have a smile as bright as Nirei's? Did she make people laugh the way Tsubaki does? Did she make people feel seen the way you do?"
He can't look at Umemiya, even when he hears the small breath he takes in.
"No one ever told me about her. They didn't want me to know about her, but..." A hand raises to the left side of his face. "..the black hair, the eye…they're from my dad. I know it is, I see his face every time I look into a mirror…so does that mean the left is her? Did she have striking white hair? Did she have piercing golden eyes? I'll never know." His hand curls, eyes squeezing shut. "And I hated myself for it. I hated myself for killing her. For ruining my one chance at ever having a normal life…the hatred was so deep sometimes that I wanted to die just so I could join her."
"Sakura-"
"Let me finish." It's not snapped out like it would have been before, but it's sharp enough to make Umemiya's mouth snap shut. Sakura will apologize for that later..
A slow sigh follows, eyes open to stare out over the city once more. "..I tried once."
Umemiya's eyes widen. Sakura never told them that when he told them of his past, he knows that, but he keeps talking before the other can try to speak.
"I failed. Obviously. My father's wife found me and had me taken to the hospital. Instead of being worried, they got on me for making them waste their money…and he abandoned me again. Left me to an orphanage. They tried to get him to take me back, but he refused, he wanted nothing to do with me." A dry chuckle rumbles from his chest and he sets the crinkled bottle down, leaning back on his hands. "..the last time I saw him was when he made a deal with me. I tell them I don't want to go with him and he pays for my housing and gives me enough of an allowance to survive. As long as I stayed away from him and his real family, he didn't care. So I agreed. I understood why he wouldn't want the murderer of his deceased wife around. So I came here."
He still remembers the look his caseworker gave him. A mix of pity and exasperation. She was growing tired of needing to try and find families for him, she's probably glad he has a place of his own now.
"..Sakura.."
Bicolored eyes flit towards Umemiya and he feels a shiver run down his spine at the hate he sees flicker through his eyes. Why is he so mad..?
"Fuck your dad." It's said so firmly that it pulls a startled laugh from Sakura.
"Umemiya-"
"You're not a murderer. It's not your fault and the fact that he continued to blame you and treat your poorly just makes him scum."
Something warm settles in Sakura's chest at how protective Umemiya is of him. How he assures him that he isn't the monster his old town once convinced him he was. Shoulder relaxing slightly, he looks forward.
"I know," he assures, a smile settling on his lips. "I've accepted that now, thanks to you guys. I know it's not my fault…sometimes I still think about it, though. Think about what life would be like if she'd survived my birth.."
His head tilts to look to Umemiya again. "..but like you said. Then I wouldn't be here. And there's nowhere else I'd rather be than here with all of you. This is where I was meant to be."
Those blue eyes widen slightly once more before the older teen moves. Sakura isn't even given time to react before his arms wrap tightly around him, pulling him into that solid chest. He feels himself tense before he realizes it and he swallows hard, trying to relax.
"Umemiya-?"
"I really am so happy you've joined our family, Haruka. You will always have a place with us. Always."
His breath stutters for a moment, eyes widening.
Oh.
He…knew that. He has been made well aware of this for a while now, but hearing Umemiya say it while he hugs him so tightly with so much care..
His eyes burn.
When was the last time he'd cried?
Arms going around his upperclassman, he presses his face into his shoulder, fingers gripping his shirt tightly. "..thanks, Umemiya…"
He feels the smile against the side of his head and his chest aches.
How did he ever get so damn lucky?
Sakura doesn't know how long they stay like that, the younger teen clinging to the elder with his face pressed to him, but they can't stay like it forever.
Slowly parting, Sakura rubs his eyes and looks at Umemiya, startling at that blinding smile on his face. It feels like the sun itself is warming his skin just from his smile alone.
"Why don't you help me plant those cucumbers now?" He hums, pushing himself up to stand, a hand held out to Sakura.
And Sakura…doesn't want to go home yet. Doesn't want to return to an empty apartment after being emotionally vulnerable with his upperclassman.
So he takes his hand, sighing with a slight smirk on his lips. "Sure, but you should know I've never gardened before."
Umemiya laughs, pulling him up to his feet. He doesn't let go as he pulls him to the edge to climb back to the main roof. "That's fine, I'll teach you!"
It's embarrassing, being tugged around by his hand, but he's learned not to fight it. If anything, a softer smile settles on his lips, climbing down after him.
"I'm in your hands then."
He wonders if Umemiya feels closer to him now as well? Maybe he'll ask another day.