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“Good night”
Alec turned his back to Ellie without answering. They were forced to sleep in the same hotel room, in the same bloody bed. At least they actually had managed to get a room, better than nothing. Alec had offered to sleep in the car, more for him than for her. It was awkward of course, the court accusing them of sleeping together didn’t help, but Alec could handle that.
The real problem was that, he was terrified of having a nightmare with Ellie sleeping next to him.
No, that, he could not handle.
Miller’s breathing progressively slowed down as she fell asleep, meanwhile, Alec’s mind rushed over the tin number of option he had. He certainly couldn’t take the risk of falling asleep himself, the nightmares had became more and more frequent since Lee’s return. The day had been exhausting, both ( thanks to his broken heart ) mentally and physically but he had to find a way to stay awake through the night.
His eyelids were harder to open after every blink, his body felt so heavy…
A familiar sense of failure and discomfort twisted his stomach. It felt wrong to be in this hotel room, his mind was screaming to him that he didn’t belong, that he needed to leave now. Carefully, Hardy got up. After making sure Ellie didn’t move, he started walking in the small room, shaky hands on his face. He quickly stopped as the floor was cracking underneath his feet at every step. But then, his eyes fell on it,
The coffee machine.
Yes, he thought, it’s risky given his heart condition and the doctor had prohibited it, but it would also help keep him awake.
He was never a big fan of coffee, hated the taste and the bloody smell. When he was still with Tess, Alec would get up a bit before her to make her coffee. As she was really picky about it, Alec had became a master of the preparation of the said drink, so Tess would not be angry at him for the day. He started filling the machine, quietly as possible, then his muscles memory kicked in and Alec blacked out till the machine made a small noise, signalling the drink was ready. Hardy quickly turned to Miller.
She was still dead asleep, good.
He tasted the coffee before drinking it all in one shot, painfully burning his throat, one more thing to help staying awake. Alec went back to bed, lying still and observing the celling like it had personally offended him. He didn’t want to sleep anymore, he was wide awake but slowly, his chest felt more and more heavy. It hurt, Hardy groaned and clenched his left side. The dark before his eyes started to spin and he hurried to find his heart meds. His hand was searching frenetically on the bedside table, making much noise than expected but Alec didn’t really had the choice. He swallowed dry two pills, checked if Miller’s form in the obscurity was still unmoving. She must have taken a sleeping pill.
The pain in Hardy’s chest didn’t loosened at all but at least his vision was no longer dizzy. His hand was on his mouth, to prevent any loud gasping and silent tears were running down his cheek.
Alec felt like a child again, scared to make a noise. Except that this time, it wasn’t his parents he tried not to wake but his friend and this time, he was on the each of a heart attack he had induced himself by drinking coffee because he was too scared to sleep.
Alec’s agony continued for an undetermined amount of time, second blurring into hours and minutes turning into second. All he could here was his muffled ragged breathing and his alertly fast heart beat ponding in his ears. Many times he thought about awaking Ellie. He didn’t know what to do, the situation was out of his control.
So he lied there, unmoving, in pain, barely breathing.
He passed out.
It wasn’t a surprise if his body couldn’t handle the pain nor the fatigue anymore.
And it started, like every night.
It was raining, Alec clothes were damp. They had already searched this place but he had decided to go back alone. He can’t see clearly because of the rain but there she is, Pippa. A shiver ran down Alec’s spine as he recognised her.
She was the same size as his daughter. It could have been Daisy he realised.
Without a second thought, he runs into the river. Alec’s a good swimmer but the panic and his wet clothes, plus the river current pulled him under. The cold water hits his face and the shock makes him open his mouth, he swallows a bit of muddy water. He tries to cough but even when he manages to reach the surface, air doesn’t seem to fill his lungs.
All of this doesn’t matter, because he has to reach Pippa’s body.
Finally he reaches her, his hand circle her wrist as he is pulled under once again. He pulls the child’s small body closer and tries to swim back to the edge.
But then he looks at her,
just to make sure it is not Daisy.
Her face, oh lord her face. It’s white, almost green. It’s rotten by the water and a putrid smell emanates from her. Alec looks away, he wants to throw up and his limps are so tired of fighting the river’s waters. Miraculously he reaches solid rock earth. He collapse from exhaustion, Pippa still in his arms. Water is still leaking his ankles and he stopped shivering a while ago but at least, Pippa is save. He looks at her again, this time he does throw up, just bile as he didn’t eat in days.
Someone is screaming what looks like his name, far, far away….
“Alec bloody hell ! Open your eyes for god’s sake !!”
Hardy jerks awake, gasping for air. Ellie was looking at him. The lights were on, he could see the tears on her face and the terror shining in her eyes. She had a hand on his shoulder, so clenched it hurt. When she saw his gaze darting down to it, Miller immediately let go. Hardy’s heart beat was slowing down progressively but his whole body was hurting like hell, especially his chest.
He blinked, Pippa’s rotten face appeared behind his eyelids.
He focused on keeping his eyes open.
“Sir, Alec, what just bloody happened ?”
They were now seating at the edge of the bed. Hardy was looking blankly at the ground. His eyes felt dry but last time he closed them, it was Daisy’s body who appeared. At the mention of his first name he flinched and finally looked at Ellie.
“Don’t call me that Miller.”
“Oh drop the act for a bit ! Answer the damn question, was it a heart attack ?”
“‘m fine Miller.”
“Bloody hell you’re not ! I just saw you seizing and screaming right next to me !”
Hardy froze for a bit. He felt ashamed of how much his stupid plan had made things worst. His chest still hurt even after the pills he had took -again- and he was still massaging it.
-“ What did I say ?”
Alec’s voice wasn’t higher than a whisper.
“ -Pippa’s name. Then you were just… pleading.”
He wished for the ground to swallow him.
-“ Is it always that- that violent, sir ?”
Hardy rubbed his face, he couldn’t avoid the question.
-“ No- I mean yes it’s never really funny and I often wake up with my heart rate too high but, erm, it’s rare for it but this bad yeah.”
He could hear Miller’s gasping next to him but didn’t dare looking at her.
-“ I…I drank coffee Miller. I knew it would hurt me, I knew Miller. I was just too bloody scared to have a nightmare next to you. I didn’t want to fall asleep, it’s the only solution I found.”
Alec felt so exhausted, he didn’t have the will to stop his eyes from wetting. He was shaking, was it the aftermath of the almost heart attack or the fear of Miller leaving the room out of deception, deception of realising that the man she called a friend couldn’t handle himself.
-“ Oh Hardy. Come here, you knob.”
Hardy let his tired body melt into her soft embrace, maybe out of surprise of the gentle tone she had employed or just because he was so touch starved, so miserable he simply couldn’t physically refuse any kind affection and acceptance.
It didn’t even feel awkward. Ellie had her arm around him and his head was resting on her shoulder.
he still had his hand hand clenched on his shirt, just a bit more relaxed.
-“ Why ? Why were you that scared ?”
-“ Ashamed. I was ashamed. I shouldn’t be so affected by a case, I should be able to keep it professional and surely not bother others with that.”
Ellie’s gaze finally met Hardy’s sad brown eyes. And she saw, she just saw how culpability had rotten his mind.
She took both his shoulders and forced him to maintain eyes contact.
“Alec-“
“Don’t call me that.”
“For once in your life shut your bloody mouth and listen, you knob .”
For once, he did.
“It’s not your fault, you did everything right. It’s not your fault if Tess lost the pendant and it was admirable of you to take to blame to protect your daughter. You don’t- you don’t have any penance to do Hardy. You’ve hurt yourself enough, it’s time to ask for help. You’re allowed to feel. You found a body that could’ve been your daughter’s for god’s sake. It’s alright nobody’s mad at you for having a hard time to go on. You’re loved Hardy, and you deserve that love. You’re a good person, just a bit of an arse sometimes but it’s fine.”
If he had had the energy, Alec would be sobbing but it seemed like he was out of tears. He just stared at Miller and the ghost of a smile on her face. Once again, she took him into her arms, in a full hug this time. He closed his eyes as she rubbed her hand on his back and neck.
-“I’m tired Ellie.”
She held him as he lied down, making sure he was comfortable as the mother she was.
-“ And it’s alright, get some rest.”
He fell asleep alertly quick and Ellie felt almost as chocked of the exhaustion that emanated from his figure in the dim light, as she was relieved he finally accepted to rest.
She made her mind to sort everything in the morning, let him sleep till noon if necessary and force him to eat something consisting for once.
Alec was going to be fine.