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[Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander sit together in a sterile interrogation room. There’s a height chart on the wall behind them, and a harsh light hangs overhead. Next to them on the table is a polygraph machine.]
Producer: Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander.
Shane: Yes.
Ilya: Yes, those are our names. See how truthful I’m already being?
Shane: You’re not even hooked up to anything yet.
Ilya: I’m just establishing how honest I am before we start.
Producer: Well, that’s good because you’re both here to take a lie detector test. The way this works is that one of you will be hooked up to the machine while the other asks questions, and then you’ll switch. Judd [the camera switches to show a man with glasses and stark white hair sitting at the polygraph machine] will be reading your results in real time. Shane, you’ll go first.
Shane: Goody.
Ilya: I have never once lied in my entire life, so this will be very easy.
Shane: We lied about our relationship for a decade.
Ilya: We did not lie; we omitted the truth. Very different things.
Shane: No, we definitely lied to a lot of people.
[Ilya leans toward Shane, his mouth covered by his hand as he whispers, though his voice is still clearly heard on his microphone.]
Ilya: You are going to have to get way better at this if you want to fool that machine.
Shane: Why would I need to fool anyone? I don’t have anything to hide.
[Ilya turns back toward the camera and makes a cringing face, his disbelief at Shane’s statement clear.]
Ilya: Okay.
[Shane is shown being hooked up to the machine by Judd, while Ilya is handed a sheet of questions from the producer. They now sit across from each other. Shane looks around somewhat nervously as Ilya appears to be the picture of calm.]
Ilya: Is your name Shane no middle name Hollander?
Shane: Yes.
Ilya: And were you born in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada?
Shane: I was.
Ilya: And do you play hockey in the NHL?
Shane: Yes.
Ilya: Why did your parents not give you a middle name?
Shane: I have no idea. Why don’t you ask them?
Ilya: I will add it to my list of questions. Right at the top along with why they cut off your fore–
Shane: [His eyes are wide as he loudly interrupts.] Moving on, please!
Ilya: You somewhat famously play hockey.
Shane: [He snorts and rolls his eyes, and appears to relax slightly.] Somewhat famously, sure.
Ilya: Do you think you are the best player in the NHL?
Shane: Of course not.
Judd: Machine is indicating some deception there.
[Ilya looks delighted as Shane's mouth drops open and he shakes his head in disagreement.]
Shane: I seriously don't think that!
Ilya: Oh, really? Who is better than you, do you think?
Shane: [His eyes narrow at Ilya.] Nope. Absolutely not.
Ilya: What? If you do not think you are the best, then it should be easy to name someone who is better, yes?
Shane: You just want me to say you're better, and then it lives on the internet for fucking ever, and you'll force me to listen to this video every day for the rest of my life, and I refuse to contribute to the size of your ego.
Ilya: So you are denying I'm a better hockey player than you?
Shane: No, I—
Ilya: That's all I needed, thank you.
Shane: That doesn't count, Ilya.
Ilya: Oh, I think it very much does, Shane.
Ilya: Shane Hollander.
Shane: Yes.
Ilya: No pressure, but these next questions will decide the future of our marriage.
Shane: Oh, great.
[Ilya slides an image of Rose Landry towards Shane, who glances at the photo and immediately rolls his eyes, though a smile breaks out on his face.]
Ilya: Do you think this woman is prettier than me?
[Shane shakes his head and laughs. He rubs his hands into his eyes, but his smile never wavers.]
Shane: No, I don’t.
Judd: He’s telling the truth.
Ilya: And which of us would you rather see wearing a jersey with your name on it?
Shane: The only time you’ve ever worn my jersey is when– [he breaks off, and clears his throat, adjusting his position in the chair as his cheeks turn red.] I would rather see you.
Judd: True.
Ilya: And finally, which of us is the better kisser?
Shane: You’re really going to make me answer this when you already know the answer?
Ilya: Yes, for the official record.
Shane: This isn’t an official record.
Ilya: The internet very much begs to differ. Answer the question, Shane.
Shane: [sighing deeply] You, obviously.
Judd: That is true, as well.
Ilya: [looking directly into the camera] Let the record show that I, Ilya Hollander, am prettier and a better kisser than Rose Landry.
Shane: You’re ridiculous.
[Ilya rises from his chair and leans across the table that separates him from Shane. He lightly pecks his husband on the lips, and they both smile at each other.]
Ilya: Congratulations. We can stay married.
Shane: Thank god, I was really worried.
Ilya: Your wonderful mother, Yuna, has been known to call me her favorite son. Does this bother you?
Shane: Not at all.
Judd: That's the truth.
Ilya: And do you think she loves me more than you?
Shane: With the amount of cookies she slips you every time we go to her house, it's possible.
Ilya: Are you jealous?
Shane: No. I am, however, annoyed how much she picks you to be her partner when we play cards. You lose one time and suddenly you're a liability.
Ilya: Well, get better at cards, and then you can be her favorite, again. You are her flesh and blood, Shane, it is not that difficult.
Shane: Right, of course. Why didn't I think of that?
Ilya: You were the captain of the worst hockey team to ever exist, the Montreal Voyageurs, for a number of years. Now, you captained by me. Do you think you would make a better captain for our team?
Shane: I feel a lot of things about not being a captain anymore that I'll probably still be unpacking in ten years, but no absolutely not.
Judd: He's telling the truth.
[Ilya sits back in his chair, his right leg coming up to rest on his left knee as he looks overly thoughtful.]
Ilya: Tell me more about that.
Shane: You picked all of the questions so I'd have to say nice things about you, didn't you?
Ilya: Of course, Shane keep up. Now tell me more about how great of a captain I am.
Shane: You're the worst.
Ilya: Uh, no. Apparently, I am the best.
Shane: I didn't say that.
Ilya: Better than you.
Shane: Is that all that matters?
Ilya: [He smiles sweetly.] Yes.
Ilya: You were once named the sexiest player in the NHL. Do you agree with this ranking?
Shane: Absolutely not. I wish I hadn't even been included in that list.
Judd: He's not telling the truth.
[Shane looks mortified while Ilya raises his eyebrows and begins to laugh loudly.]
Shane: What?! Fuck. No, I don't agree with it!
Ilya: The machine clearly disagrees.
Shane: I'm just nervous!
Ilya: You should not be nervous to admit you are sexy.
Shane: We can't all be you, Ilya. [He closes his eyes and breathes deeply.] God, why do I keep getting roped into these things. I just want to play hockey. Why will no one just let me play hockey?
[Ilya reaches across the table and gently pats Shane's hand.]
Ilya: Don't worry. I will take the title from you.
Shane: Oh, great, because it was rightly yours anyway?
Ilya: Glad we can finally agree I was robbed.
[The video changes and Ilya is now seated in the questioning chair. It's Ilya's turn, and Judd attaches the machine to him, while Shane looks over the paper handed to him by the producer.]
Shane: Is your name Ilya Grigoryevich Rozanov?
Ilya: Unfortunately.
Shane: And were you born in Moscow, Russia?
Ilya: Unfortunately.
Shane: And do you think you're the sexiest player in the NHL?
Ilya: Unfortunately.
Shane: Unfortunately?
Ilya: Yes, we all have our burdens to bear, Shane. Some of us just bear them more gracefully than others.
Shane: You seriously cannot be talking about yourself right now.
Ilya: [He turns toward Judd.] Judd?
Judd: He's being truthful.
Shane: Of course he is.
[Ilya beams at him proudly.]
Shane: In a recent Instagram post, you declared war on loons. Is it because you’re afraid of these notoriously harmless birds?
Ilya: I am not afraid of them, I just think they are imposters, and more people need to be talking about it.
Shane: Judd? Verdict on that?
Judd: That is a lie.
[Ilya turns toward Judd with his mouth hanging open in clear offence, but Judd is unmoved and continues to adjust dials on the machine. When the camera switches briefly back to Shane, he’s smugly smiling.]
Ilya: Judd, I thought we were friends, you are betraying me!
Shane: Don’t blame this on Judd. He’s just doing his job, and you’re afraid of a bird.
Ilya: I am not afraid of a bird! They just do not have any business sounding like wolves. Only wolves should sound like fucking wolves!
Judd: Still lying.
[Shane is seen laughing as Ilya shakes his head and looks completely disgruntled.]
Shane: It wouldn’t be so funny if you didn’t have a tattoo on your arm of the literal bird you’ve declared war on and supposedly aren’t at all afraid of.
Ilya: That’s for you, and you know it.
[Shane tucks a strand of hair behind his ear as he bites his lip and looks down at the papers in his lap before he looks back at Ilya and grins.]
Shane: Yeah, it is.
Shane: Speaking of animals, you run a popular Instagram account for our dog, Anya.
Ilya: Yes, it is very pup-ular.
[Ilya gives Shane an innocent smile and bats his eyelashes, while Shane gives him a deadpan look as a few seconds of silence stretch between them.]
Shane: My dad never should have taught you puns.
Ilya: This is why you are not more pup-ular.
Shane: Right. I’m sure. So, you’ve been observed sleeping on the dog bed with her, putting out a ‘help wanted’ search for a personal dog chef, and investing what some might call a ludicrous amount of money into a closet full of dog sweaters. Do you find this to be normal behavior?
Ilya: Yes, of course I do. She is my child. I would do anything for my child.
Judd: That's true.
Shane: You also recently duped our entire team into attending a party for Anya by telling them we were having a team dinner. Do you feel that you sometimes go a little overboard being a dog parent?
Ilya: Of course not! And besides it was a wonderful party.
Shane: It wasn't even her birthday or anything. You just randomly decided to throw her a party.
Ilya: Oh, so we can't just celebrate a girl for her perfect existence? That's very sexist of you.
Shane: I don't really think it is?
Ilya: Listen if loving my dog is wrong, then I don't want to be right. This is dog parent shaming and I will not stand for it, and do not act as if you didn't take over the decorating process because it looked 'basic as fuck.'
[Shane sniffs and scratches at one of his eyebrows before he begins to mess with the papers in his hands, avoiding eye contact with the camera.]
Shane: I mean, I'm not the one hooked up to the machine right now, so I don't really see how that's relevant.
Ilya: How convenient.
Shane: Do you know this man?
[A photo of Hayden Pike slides across the table towards Ilya. Ilya looks briefly at the photo before he glares at Shane.]
Ilya: He spends a lot of time at our house eating our food, yes.
Shane: And is he your friend?
Ilya: His children and wife are wonderful.
Shane: Answer the question, Ilya.
[Ilya continues to glare, an annoyed huff leaving his nose as Shane sits back and smiles.]
Ilya: No.
Judd: That is a lie.
[Ilya’s head whips towards the operator, his mouth wide in shock as Shane claps his hands and points an accusing finger at Ilya as his smile grows so wide his eyes crinkle at the sides.]
Shane: HA!
Ilya: It is not a lie! The machine is broken! Hayden Pike is not my friend!
Judd: Still a lie.
[Ilya plants both hands on the table and looks very seriously into the camera, while Shane continues to laugh.]
Ilya: I am innocent of the charges being leveled against me. I am being defamed in real time. That man is not my friend, and I will pursue justice to the fullest extent of the law. This is an outrage!
Shane: You’re so dramatic.
Ilya: Or perhaps consider I am not dramatic enough!
Shane: Whatever, I don’t even care. This is the best day of my life.
Shane: You were recently cancelled by the prime minister because you claimed that Dunkin is better than Tim Hortons. Do you have any regrets about this?
Ilya: None. I left behind a lot of things in Boston, but my taste buds are not one of those things.
Judd: He's telling the truth.
Shane: You're not concerned at all someone is going to jump you for that?
Ilya: Eh, it's fine. You'll protect me.
Shane: Over a beef about fast-food chains? I wouldn't count on it.
Shane: Ilya.
Ilya: Yes, my love.
Shane: Do you think you are the best player in the NHL?
[A slow, fond smile stretches across Ilya's face, and when the camera switches to show Shane, a similar loving look is reflected there.]
Ilya: You already know the answer to this.
Shane: Yes, but you know. For the record or whatever.
Ilya: If I answer this, people will know how soft I am. My reputation will be ruined.
Shane: I think you already managed that with the Tim Hortons dig.
Ilya: Fine, of course I do not think this.
Judd: Truthful.
Shane: And who is the best player in the NHL?
Ilya: Obviously my best friend Troy Barrett.
[Shane barks out a laugh and rubs at his eyes, though his smile doesn't change.]
Shane: You're an asshole.
Ilya: What you do not like this answer?
Shane: You maybe should try again.
Ilya: I mean, if I was forced to pick under extreme stress, I guess I would choose my husband, Shane Hollander.
Shane: Judd?
Judd: That is the truth.
[The video changes to show Ilya being unhooked from the machine, and Ilya looks up toward him.]
Ilya: Judd, we have this thing where we always kiss passionately at the end of all the videos we're in. Do you mind if we do that now?
Judd: I'm done, here, I don't care.
Ilya: You are a good man, Judd. Besides the part where you betrayed me.
[Judd continues to pack up his equipment, and Ilya walks around the table sitting himself in Shane's lap, causing Shane to make a pained wheezing sound as Ilya's full weight settles onto him.]
Shane: Fuck, I forget how huge you are.
[Ilya nuzzles into Shane's face beginning to plant kisses on his face.]
Ilya: Mmm, yes, you said something similar last night.
Shane: I walked right into that, didn't I?
Ilya: Yes, you did.
[Ilya finally captures Shane's mouth in a deep kiss while the set crew begins to dismantle the set around them.]
Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov Take Lie Detector Tests
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***
@roseanov1 Insane dog parent Ilya- I LIVE for you.
@blacknredfan Waiting for Shane's make-out apology in 3…2…1
@realshanehollander Sorry we made out, everyone. And for setting up that sex joke. I should really know better by now.
@b00dramzane @realshanehollander Rookie 😉
@puck4life truly never thought I'd see the day where Ilya Rozanov lies less than Shane Hollander
@ilyarozanov81 @puck4life It was about time the world sees him for who he really is
@jackiepike @realshanehollander We should get the besties together for a playdate soon!
@realshanehollander @jackiepike Can we have it our house? Ilya gets kind of shy about how excited he is to hang out with Hayden, so a familiar place is probably best.
@jackiepike Of course! Just not too late in the day. You know how they get without their naps 😬
@ilyarozanov81 @jackiepike @realshanehollander TRAITORS
@hockeywhore Okay, but can we all agree that Shane Hollander IS the sexiest man in the NHL?
@troybarretthockey @hockeywhore 👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆