Chapter Text
Friendships have never come particularly easy to Nick. There are certain people in his form he’s stayed away from, but he hasn’t ever really been able to pick his friends. Instead, it seems like they all pick him, or they just… gravitate together because of rugby, or class, or whatever.
Don’t get him wrong, Nick does love his school and rugby friends, but… well, their friendships have never felt like a choice. More like one day they just became friends, like a switch flipped- except Nick wasn’t even the one who turned it.
Every rugby season, Nick becomes more popular. It rises and falls like clockwork- and truthfully, it feels like a very trackable equation. Nick isn’t even particularly good at math, but even he can see it clearly-
Amount Of Goals Scored / Amount Of Games Lost = % of Friends Retained
And even during the height of rugby seasons, Nick is still somehow an outsider in every group he’s ever been in- even amongst the friends and teammates he’s known for years. Everyone else is always huddled together, trading secrets amongst each other while Nick sits and watches in the background, waiting to be invited in.
(He never is.)
Nick’s bounced from group to group, searching for his people- the ones his mom keeps claiming are out there. It feels like there’s something he’s missing- something vital, to make him complete and real, to make him someone worth knowing, worth being…
But every year, every form group, every team follows the same equations. It’s definitely pathetic, but Nick isn’t totally sure he’s ever had a real friend of his own. Not like the ones in films and novels, where you feel totally comfortable and can tell each other everything…
…Not until he met Charlie, anyway.
The day they met in form, Nick is convinced Charlie woke him up from a life-long slumber. Charlie makes everything in the world colorful, makes it all make sense. He makes Nick make sense- makes him open up and makes his stupid brain finally slow down a little. He’s a breath of fresh air, of beautiful spring sun- warmth and beauty…
He’s perfect. He’s everything- he’s always been everything. He’s… Charlie.
And Charlie is far too good for Nick, he always has been. He’s too good for everyone, really, but especially for Nick.
Nick feels the clock pressing down on him like a heavyset weight, except he isn’t sure how much time is left. Days, weeks, hours, minutes…? It’s just constant dread, soaking into his skin until it’s all Nick knows.
Charlie will realize he deserves better than Nick. It’s just a matter of when.
He knows he’s been a shitty boyfriend. He’s been distracted and distant, dragging things on for months trying to carry that weight instead of just being better. It’s obvious- Charlie keeps asking, insistent that Nick can talk to him…
But how is Nick supposed to explain? If he acknowledges it, if they talk about it, then it’s out in plain sight- then there will be no more ignoring it. Then Charlie will have no choice but to confront Nick’s blatant inadequacy head-on, and then…
Then it will all be over.
Nick doesn’t want it to end. He wants so, so badly to be better- to finally be good enough. But he knows, deep down inside, that he isn’t. It was really only a matter of time before Charlie realized that too- and truly, Nick doesn’t even blame him.
Charlie deserves the best. After everything he’s been through, he deserves better than the best. He deserves far better than Nick.
It really shouldn’t be possible to be too much and not enough at the same time, but somehow Nick thinks he’s managed it.
He’s always felt like a smattering of pieces he’s collected from other people, in some attempt to put together something good. Although now Nick’s not sure he’s ever known who he really is, and that… that kind of scares him- because who the hell doesn’t know who they are? Who goes through nearly eighteen years of life just… mimicking others, stealing the best parts of them to try and become a semblance of a good person?
Nicholas Luke Nelson. That’s who.
He’s fake. He’s always been a fake.
And the worst part is- he doesn’t know how to not be fake.
The day of Harry’s party Nick can physically feel the weight of his body, pulling him deeper and deeper into the floor with every step. He doesn’t want to go, but Charlie does- he can tell, and he knows he’s been enough of a downer lately. So they get in the car and go, even though Nick doesn’t really want to get behind the wheel. He kind of feels like crying, although there is no reason why, and his hands threaten to shake as he starts the car. Nick prays Charlie doesn’t notice.
The clock keeps ticking down in the back of his head, louder and louder. It’s only a matter of time.
Everything feels wrong.
“Nick.” Charlie’s voice is careful. He’s been using that tone so often lately, it makes Nick want to scream. “We don’t have to go. Really.”
But you want to go. I can tell. Nick tries to swallow and realizes he’s clenching his jaw. “It’s okay,” he tries to insist, although it just comes out a little robotic. “It might be fun. The others will be expecting us.”
Something flickers on Charlie’s face- worry, again, like always. “They would understand.”
Understand what? Nick doesn’t even understand. He does his best not to bristle and just shakes his head, putting the car in reverse and pulling out of the driveway. “I’m fine.”
They drive to Harry’s in silence. The air is thick, but Nick isn’t sure he’s been able to properly breathe in months, so he doesn’t pay it much mind. As they pull into Harry’s driveway, the rhythmic thud! of the bass greets them. There are a few people outside sipping from bottles and red solo cups, but Nick’s sure the inside is packed.
“Let me know whenever you want to leave,” Charlie says the moment Nick goes to get out of the car. “We don’t have to stay long.”
Nick’s heart pangs. There he goes again- letting himself be dragged down for Nick’s sake. He’s too good for everyone. “It’s okay,” Nick lies. “Let’s go.”
They follow the pulsing lights down into the basement. Harry greets them at the bottom of the stairs, but Nick barely registers his words. The house is huge, but still filled with people, all dancing and swaying rhythmlessly, and the air is thick with the sticky smell of sweat and booze. Even without taking a sip of alcohol, Nick’s head spins. It’s a little intoxicating.
A horrible part of him wants to actually go get a drink, but he’s supposed to be driving back tonight. And either way, he really can’t stomach the thought of wading into the music, into that thick crowd of people…
Even the allure of Charlie’s back, sucked into the pulsing green light by classmate after classmate, isn’t enough to pull him there- at least not fast enough to keep up. Almost instantly, Charlie disappears, pulled into the crowd- and very suddenly, Nick is alone.
Alone.
The air tightens around him, like a fist around his throat. It’s a miraculously awful thing- to watch your boyfriend walk away and to feel like the whole world has gone with him, to feel so horribly alone in a room full of people you’ve known all your life.
Looking around, Nick isn’t sure he really knows anything about any of them. Not really.
He doesn’t think they know anything about him, either.
Not that there’s much to know. Nick’s started to wonder if there’s a reason he feels so empty all the time. Because he just… is. There’s no real substance- not enough to properly make anything real, anything worth knowing.
Tara and Elle are in the other room. Nick sits down beside them, if only to have somewhere to go. He feels untethered without Charlie- which isn’t unusual, but it hasn’t gotten any easier. He really hoped it would with time, but it almost feels like it’s gotten worse. Like he needs Charlie to think and breathe.
It’s pathetic. But Nick’s always been pathetic.
“People in good relationships don’t keep breaking up and getting back together,” Elle is saying as Nick tunes back into their conversation.
“Well you clearly don’t want to break up,” Tara offers.
“I can’t revolve my life around someone else,” Elle sighs, sounding more than a little resigned. “It would only make us resent each other and eventually… that would kill the love that’s there.”
Tara is quiet for a second. Then, “True…”
Fuck.
The words send a spiral of anxiety down Nick’s spine. That all sounds familiar- that sounds like Nick’s worst fears spoken aloud and brought alive. If that’s what Tao and Elle are dealing with… is it only a matter of time before Nick and Charlie do too?
Everyone thinks teenage relationships don’t last, Charlie’s voice rings in the back of his mind.
The weight in his limbs doubles. To make things worse, Nick doesn’t see Charlie again for the rest of the night. He spots him a few times from afar, but in general, Charlie keeps a wide berth. He hangs out on the opposite side of the room with Darcy and Tao, dancing and looking happy- really happy.
All without Nick.
Nick knows they’re going to be apart soon. He’s about to go off to university, and Charlie still has another year of school before going off to his own… They’re going to have to be apart, no matter what. Is that when the timer is supposed to run out- their inevitable relationship break?
That’s soon. Nick feels nauseous, despite not having drank a single drop. So soon.
The party quickly becomes too overwhelming. Typically he doesn’t mind too much noise, but tonight it makes his head hurt. He heads back upstairs into the kitchen to find it almost entirely deserted. The music is much quieter, which is what really matters. He lets his eyes fall shut, wishing desperately he was back home in bed, tucked in Charlie’s arms.
It’s selfish and stupid. Nick needs to get a grip. He’s never felt particularly comfortable in party spaces like this, even if all logic says he should be. He knows everyone in the room, he shouldn’t feel alone…
And yet, his loneliness is so crushing, like he can barely breathe.
Nick crosses his arms tight across his chest, like that will relieve any of the weight. He tries to keep breathing. The air feels heavy in his lungs. That doesn’t make sense- air can’t be heavy… but it is. Nick’s lungs don’t feel like they want to work.
He feels too much. He feels numb. It’s all one big contradiction, sitting in the center of his chest like a rock. He can’t make sense of this feeling- he’s never been able to, ever since he was little.
It’s never felt this big before- like this much. Nick doesn’t know what to do.
“Hey.” Charlie comes to find him eventually- of course he does. Nick feels a surge of relief, and then an immediate surge of guilt. He was having fun. He’s probably been looking for me. “Do you want to go?”
Nick doesn’t know what he wants. The only thing he’s sure he’s ever wanted in his life is Charlie, and it doesn’t seem like Charlie wants him tonight. He doesn’t want to have to be sure about anything anymore. He’s just so, so tired…
“Yeah,” Nick lets out a heavy sigh, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Yeah, I guess…”
“Only if you want to,” Charlie adds with a little smile, and Nick can see the concern in his face. It’s so obvious it makes him feel sick.
Don’t worry about me. I don’t want you to. You don’t need to.
“Yeah, it’s a bit boring, isn’t it?” Nick tries to lighten his tone as he pushes away from the counter. He tries to smile, but it doesn’t feel right. It hasn’t felt particularly right in weeks. Charlie doesn’t smile or say anything- he just nods and turns to go. For some reason, that makes panic claw at Nick’s chest and he can't help but start, “Hey- um…” Charlie pauses, eyes wide and beautiful, waiting. Always waiting. Suddenly Nick doesn’t entirely know what he’s asking. “Are you… angry at me about something?” The words come out a little jumbled.
His boyfriend’s brows furrow in concern. “What? No.” Charlie shakes his head, stepping back in. “Why’d you think that?”
Because I think I deserve it. There’s so much you could be angry with me about. I’ve been so shit recently, and I can’t even tell you why because I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t know how to make it better. I just want to feel normal again, but I’m realizing I don’t think I ever even knew what that was. Not really.
“You avoided me tonight,” is what comes out instead, a little like a croak.
Charlie’s face falls. “I- I’m sorry, I… I just wanted us to have a good night. You know… you probably wanted to talk to your friends about uni,” he offers. “It’s only four months away now.”
Don’t remind me. Nick feels sick with guilt and fear and pure self-loathing. He nods slightly. “Right…”
“It’s going to be really hard when you’re not here,” Charlie adds a second later.
“No, you’re… you’re gonna be great.” Nick has no doubt about it. Maybe that’s part of why it hurts so much- Nick’s certain Charlie will be totally fine when he’s gone. Tonight was proof enough of that.
Nick’s far less certain about himself. In a new town with all new people… Nick’s more than a little worried the loneliness will crush him whole. “You don’t need me hanging around,” he adds more than a little half-heartedly.
“It’s still going to be really hard,” Charlie insists, and he sounds so sad, like he’s about to cry. “What if everything just blows up like Tao and Elle?”
“I mean, I…” For a second, Nick doesn’t know what to say. He swallows, leaning on the counter. “I guess that’s possible.”
Charlie looks at him for a moment. His eyes fall to the ground, then drift back up to Nick. “I… I know you’ve been struggling this year,” Charlie starts, and Nick feels his stomach swoop. It feels like the beginning of a conversation- it sounds like preparation for a blow. Time is running out. “You’ve been really anxious… about a lot of things, about yourself-”
“Yeah…” Nick wishes he could disappear. He wants to run- but he can’t run from Charlie, he’s never been able to. “Sorry- I know that’s probably annoying for you…” It’s annoying for me, too.
Charlie’s expression softens. “It’s not annoying,” he insists. “It’s just… upsetting.” Upsetting. The word feels like a blow. Nick is upsetting. “Cause,” Charlie keeps going, taking a deep, shaky breath. “I try to talk to you about it, you just shut down. And I thought we were good at that.” Charlie pauses for a second, licking his lips- and Nick is just waiting for the words at this point. For the final blow. “I think that the reason you do that is because of me… Maybe it is a good idea for us to have some space, you know?" Nick inhales sharply, but Charlie just keeps talking- like he doesn't even notice. "You’re off to uni and you’re going to be living your best life and maybe if you didn’t have to worry about me so much then you’d be happier.” Tears flicker in Charlie’s eyes. “I… I want you to be happy.”
Happy. Nick’s eyes drop down to his hands, clenched around Harry’s expensive, marble countertop. Charlie is too nice- way, way too nice, even when he’s trying to break up. He can’t even say it properly- can’t even cut Nick loose because he’s so kind and caring, because he just wants Nick to be happy…
Nick doesn’t know if he’s ever been happy, not without Charlie.
But that is so unbelievably selfish. Charlie deserves better.
“So… we should break up, then?” Nick forces the words out, and they sound just as horrible as they feel. “For some space, that’s… that’s basically what you’re saying, isn’t it?”
Charlie bites his bottom lip. He looks so small and sad, which isn’t fair- because he brought it up in the first place. “If that’s what you want…”
Of course that isn’t what Nick wants! But it’s the mature thing to do, isn’t it? To ignore his feelings and let Charlie go, to let him be happier and better without being dragged down by Nick? Still, he shakes his head- unable to let go properly. “No, no, no- I’m asking if that’s what you want.”
“I want you to be happy,” Charlie repeats, emphatically.
“I’m only happy when I’m with you!” Nick hears his voice getting louder, but he can’t stop it.
Charlie’s expression turns worried- so worried he almost looks scared. “I don’t think that’s how it should be,” he blurts out, and the tears in his eyes glisten like all the stars in the night sky. Beautiful, and thousands of miles away.
Nick’s breath hitches somewhere deep inside of him. Selfish. The word rings in his mind. Charlie deserves better. Nick knows it. Charlie does too. He’s just officially said it out loud.
It’s happening. It’s finally happening, and Nick’s crumbling.
No, he wants to say, to scream, to beg. Please no. I love you. I don’t know how to live without you. But Charlie just said that isn’t how it should be. They aren’t how it should be- or rather Nick is.
After so long of trying to be perfect, of trying to keep it together and be good and right and someone, Charlie’s finally seen straight through his masks and walls. He sees the nothing that’s there- the broken pieces, stolen and fit together. And… Charlie doesn’t want it.
Of course he doesn’t. Nick doesn’t want himself, either.
His skin crawls. All he can do is nod, swallow and blink like that’ll make his eyes stop burning- not with tears, but just flickering heat. “I… I get it.”
“What?” Charlie’s brow furrows, like he doesn’t understand- like he’s still trying to soften the blow. It’s ridiculous- Nick isn’t that weak and pathetic. He can take it. He can take being let go- he’s had enough practice.
“No, it’s fine,” Nick shakes his head, looking down at his hands. He needs to get out- he needs to leave immediately. Charlie’s gaze feels like a hot poker, trying to tear him open with singing jabs until everything spills open on the floor.
But the thing is- Nick is already torn open. He’s already spilled, there’s just nothing in there to spill. He’s empty. He’s nothing.
“I don’t want to-” Charlie starts, but Nick doesn’t let him finish- he can’t. He doesn’t need to keep trying so hard. Nick doesn’t deserve it.
“No, I- I think you’d be better off without me too,” Nick blurts- and the moment the words are out, they feel so crushing that he has to shut his eyes to avoid the look on Charlie’s face.
“I- I didn’t say that, Nick!” Charlie blurts back, and Nick can hear the tears in his voice. They break his heart. Nick’s tried so, so hard to be perfect- to keep Charlie safe, to give him everything he deserves… and what does he do? Make him cry. Again, and again, and again…
“I’m sorry,” Nick squeezes his eyes shut, trying to take a measured breath even though it feels like the whole world is crumbling down around him. Sorry isn’t anywhere near enough, but it’s all Nick has to offer.
“I’m just trying to help,” Charlie whispers.
Me too, Nick thinks back. That’s all I ever wanted to do.
“I love you,” Charlie insists, and it breaks Nick’s heart. I love you too.
“It’s okay,” he whispers back, and what he really means is- I love you so much it’s all I know. I love you more than I love myself. I want to love you forever. I wish this could have been my thing to last. But at this point, it seems clear nothing Nick gets is going to last.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, the clock runs out. That’s it. It’s time.
Nick needs to leave.
“You don’t have to worry about me,” he manages to choke out before stepping away from Charlie, from beautiful, beautiful Charlie. His eyes are filled with tears, and even so he’s the most perfect thing Nick has ever seen. Nick tries to soak up every inch of him, in case it’s the last really good look he ever gets. “I’m sorry for making you cry.”
Somehow, it seems like that’s the worst thing he could have said- the tears in Charlie’s eyes start to leak. His mouth falls open slightly and he looks- he looks horrified. He looks like Nick’s punched him in the face. Maybe that would have been better. Maybe then it would be easy to hate him. But selfishly Nick doesn’t want Charlie to hate him. He wants them to be in love, the way they have been… but that’s not really possible anymore.
How could Nick expect Charlie to love him, when he doesn’t even know who he is? Fragments of a person don’t get to be in love with someone so whole and right.
But… god, had it felt good to be loved by Charlie Spring.
Nick swallows his grief and turns away, leaving Charlie and the party behind. The music pulses like a heartbeat as he all but runs to the car. Their friends are all downstairs still- they’ll make sure Charlie is okay.
He’ll be fine. He’s better off without me anyways.
The air outside is cool, but Nick just feels hot all over. All he can hear is his blood rushing and his heart, pounding a thousand miles per hour in the back of his mind. He gets back in the car and slams the door behind him, locking himself in and the world out. Suddenly, the music dulls and quiets. Nick moves to start the car, more than a little mechanically.
Maybe it is a good idea for us to have some space… It’s only been minutes, and he thinks those words are going to suffocate him whole. I want you to be happy… I don’t think that’s how it should be.
…Charlie doesn’t think that they should be together.
Oh god.
Tears burn in Nick’s eyes and he stops, his hand falling from the ignition. He just stares at the wheel, trying desperately to force everything down. No. No- He can’t cry now- not now, he has to at least get home first because if he stops, he isn’t sure he’ll ever stop- but the tears come anyways. They threaten to choke him, and suddenly Nick can’t breathe.
The worst part is Charlie hadn’t even sounded mad. Upset and sad, yes, but not angry. Even after everything, after all of the bullshit Nick’s put him through recently- Charlie isn’t even mad at him. He just- he sounded so scared, like he was worried his words were going to break Nick open.
Well. Aren’t they?
The light in Nick’s car goes out, but he barely notices. A sob claws at his throat, and Nick has to swallow it down with force. It doesn’t work- it just comes out stilted and wrong, shaky and embarrassing. I don’t think that’s how it should be.
How long has Charlie wanted to break up and been scared to say something? It was all just a matter of when- except Charlie’s been trying to figure out how to soften the blow, how to manage Nick’s stupid feelings instead of just cutting him loose like he deserves.
There have been so many signs- Charlie, getting mad when Nick was drunk and stupid… Charlie, storming out over breakfast because of Nick being stupid again… Charlie, asking about Tao and Elle breaking up- about teenage relationships lasting…
It’s all your fault. You’ve ruined everything, all over again.
Nick’s hands curl around the wheel. He’s all but panting, breathing like he’s been running. He can’t breathe- that’s the thing. Grief wells up in his chest faster than he can process- and Nick resists the urge to collapse forwards onto the wheel and sob. He’s still sitting outside at the party, there are still so many people around- he needs to go home. He needs to go now, before the others come out to scream at him and demand answers he doesn’t have-
Maybe I should let them. Maybe Nick deserves to be yelled at and hurt. He’s hurt Charlie- he’s been hurting Charlie, just because he’s too much of a coward to explain how scared he is, even though he has no real reason to be. The tears sting and his chest aches, but Nick knows he deserves the pain. At least now there’s a reason.
It doesn’t make sense. His thoughts almost don’t feel like his own- they haven’t for months, like Nick’s viewing them through someone else’s filter. His fingers twitch at the ignition, but he still can’t bring himself to start the car.
He doesn’t want to leave- he doesn’t want to drive. The thought of starting the car and pulling out, leaving the party- of leaving Charlie? That would make everything so horribly official- just like the stamp on an acceptance letter to a college hundreds of miles away.
Nick doesn’t want to leave. But the whole world is telling him he has to.
Most teenage relationships don’t last. He hadn’t thought he and Charlie were like most teenagers. Now he guesses he’s just wrong.
Their time has run out- and again, Nick is alone.