Chapter Text
Life in the circus never resumed normally. How on Earth could it? With all that had happened, a sense of normalcy was the very last thing on everybody's mind. Sure, Caine gave them more freedoms and backed off on the whole "adventure" system. But even so, with the information they all knew, with the revelations they had learned about themselves, human and not, was a hefty pill to swallow. They were merely files now, all five of them. One corrupted, the others safe and sound.
In knowing that their real selves had carried on life as if nothing had happened, Pomni tried to make peace with a question that still plagued her mind: Do I still qualify as human?
When surrounded by such a cartoonish environment day to day, she tried to convince herself nothing was really different. But of course, lying to herself was never going to work. They were code, copies, digital replicas of people who got to enjoy the spoils of reality. And while Pomni tried to settle with that bittersweet ending, her heart couldn't help but ache for an alternate scenario that would never be.
She could only imagine how the whole thing played out in the real world. Abigail Brooks, a twenty-five year old accountant for a supermarket chain with a love for exploration, stumbling upon a virtual reality headset at an abandoned tech company called C&A. She was a curious mind, Pomni was no different, and so, she tested it out. Just to see if it still worked.
The headset fit snug around dark hair, and the file was created almost instantaneously. Every memory, even those marred by daze or mental fog, were programmed into an avatar her conscious would be trapped in forever. Blue and red, a jester hat, pale skin, and pin-wheeled irises were thrust into what she now called her brand new home.
The day was diminishing, morphing into the late afternoon. Pomni sat on the bench of the circus's new viewing spot for the abstracted players, a feeling of melancholy slowly beginning to bloom in her chest. She watched them swim with one another, slinking around so easily. Even though everything had settled down, the rest of the members had seemed to accept what was once the unacceptable, but Pomni's mind still lingered to what was now in front of her.
The bright and shimmering eyes that painted over the blackened masses shone around the area in a kaleidoscope of various hues, Pomni wished they'd stay close to the glass.
The feeling in her chest grew louder, as if spreading from her heart out to her ribcage as she remembered everything from being inside Jax's deepest memories. The amount of pain he'd been harboring, the words he'd spoken in truth yet refuted as lies. The jester chewed her lip, brows creased downwards as the three abstractions glided through the water. It was mesmerizing in a way, as if they could tell who they were even in their beastly states.
Perhaps they could.
The abstractions continued to slink through the water, Pomni gave her hat one last tug before she took it off, dark hair contrasting with the illuminating light of many many colorful eyes. She felt gratitude towards Caine for allowing their avatars to actually be able to remove some of their accessories now, the jester could only take so much of hearing jingling bells day to day.
Pomni knew it'd be pointless, but she feared there were no longer points to be found in this new life. Everything she had ever known was out there, now her days were just brand new slates. That was the funny part to her, Pomni had been here for what's felt like ages, yet only now did the previous days feel like the beginning of something new. Like the calm after a storm.
"Room for one more?" A warm voice suddenly spoke. Pomni turned her head, Ragatha approaching her with a relaxed and soft smile. The jester scooted over, making room for the rag doll as she sat down beside her.
"Always."
Ragatha leaned forward, hands folded in her lap as she looked out to the tank. With just a small glance, Pomni could tell something was eating away at her friend. The jester placed a tender hand around the doll's lower back, both of them relaxing fully when her head rested easy against Ragatha.
"What's on your mind?" She asked. Ragatha breathed out a heavy sigh.
"Is it… bad to say 'everything'?"
Pomni chuckled softly, pin-wheeled eyes still placidly fixed to deep blue waters and playful abstractions.
"No, I wouldn't blame you. I'm still processing all that's happened."
"Yeah," Ragatha replied, her gaze shifted towards the floor. "Me too."
The two of them sat in silence for moment, Pomni's arm still around Ragatha's back comfortingly as their figures faded in arrays of colors while the abtractions went by.
"Pomni, can I.. can I talk to you about something?" The doll breathed out, hating the way her heart thudded with trepidation.
"Of course, take your time."
Ragatha breathed in again, Pomni's hand retracted back to hold her other arm, the doll staring up at the ceiling as she remembered every word Pomni had said to her after Jax's abstraction. And how something deep in that plush chest of hers still didn't rest at the knowledge of knowing Pomni considered her her first real friend in the circus.
Bullshit, Ragatha thought, her mind spitting out the word front and center before she could stop it. It was so ugly to look at.
"Did you really mean what you said to me that day?" She started, glancing down at Pomni with her eye half-lidded in expectant disappointment. She tried to hold out hope for as long as possible, allowing the jester to process her words.
"I-I'm sorry, what do you mean?" Pomni replied. Ragatha sighed again.
"After Jax abstracted.. You—You told me you still considered me your closest friend, despite all that's happened between us. I need to know, Pomni.. Is that really how you feel?"
"Of course I do, why wouldn't I?" The jester replied almost instantly, looking confused.
Because once the rabbit was out of the picture, Pomni was quick to jump at her next best option. And Ragatha knew that. Though for the longest time after that day all hell seemed to break loose, she tried to hold onto what Pomni had said at surface level. To look for worry in all the doll recieved, was to love fully without deciet. And she had been decieved far too many times in her life. She wouldn't let it happen again.
Ragatha thought back to that moment shared between the two of them, how her words were halted by gloved hands embracing her tightly. How everything she had ever wanted seemed to be handed to her right then and there. A hug, a genuine embrace, arms that didn't want to let her go as much as Ragatha didn't want to let her go. It was all she needed during that time, two souls coming together in a crisis, a situation where all seemed lost and all they had were each other. It was moment Ragatha didn't know she needed until then.
But now, reeling back the hands of time to reevaluate all that Ragatha felt since Pomni's arrival in the circus, the doll couldn't help but bristle. She knew Pomni. She knew that the jester was anxious and got roped into wanting to help others feel more understood, and that was great! That was perfectly fine. But what Ragatha didn't know was why Pomni had moved on, had fallen back into her plush body like a safety net. They were all shaken up and hopeless after Jax's abstraction, so who was she to push her away when Pomni needed someone? When Ragatha needed somebody, too?
It just didn't sit right in her soul, how suddenly it seemed the doll was the center of Pomni's world. By process of elimination, Ragatha was now the jester's new best friend! Yeah no, she had worked too hard to be caught in that snare now. And even if Pomni's intentions were not coated in malice or manipulation, it still hurt. Back then, Ragatha would've settled for this. Despite if she knew Pomni was being genuine or not, she would've eaten every moment up like a ravenous hound. Though, not this time. She had come so far and gone through too much to be second best. And in the kindest way possible, she'd let Pomni know.
"Well," Ragatha began,"I've been thinking… Jax had all of your attention, you both were pretty much glued at the hip!" She awkwardly laughed. Pomni remained silent.
"B-But when he abstracted, I suddenly became your top priority. I don't know, I-I guess it just made me feel… like I was your back-up person, or something."
Ragatha had been looking anywhere but Pomni's eyes, even while pouring her heart out she struggled to meet her face, and it'd be wise not to blame her. The jester had her gaze fixed to the glass of the aquarium, wringing her hands lightly in her lap, blue and red folding over each other again and again.
The doll felt a surge of anxiety grow in her chest, feeling as though she had said too much, or even worse — hurt Pomni's feelings. But why should that be the case? She was honest, she kept it polite, respectful, so why should Ragatha feel bad? Why feel bad over standing up and confronting what's not sitting right in the soul? She had a hunch as to why, but that was a can of worms she hoped wouldn't wriggle its slimy body today. That's all she could do.
A click of the mouth spooked Ragatha out of her head, looking down to see Pomni staring straight at her, eyebrows knit together in a way the doll couldn't decipher.
"Jax's abstraction was hard on me, you're right. I think it's safe to say it was hard on everyone to some degree. But back there, I meant what I said to you, Ragatha. I care. I care about you," Pomni spoke, a hand moving to touch the doll's shoulder.
Those words were enticing, they were said perfectly, and the affection-starved child in Ragatha's chest wanted to reach out and hold them with all her might. She wanted to accept her friend's words for what they were, but even now, nothing made the cut.
"T-Then why didn't you show that before, Pomni? Before everything that happened, why didn't you come out and say it then? I.. I-I thought you hated me!" She confessed. Pomni's pupils shrunk upon hearing those damning words.
"Woah, woah, woah, what!? Y-You thought I hated you?" Pomni echoed, her hand now hovering above fabric skin. Ragatha looked away and nodded slowly, silently.
"W-Why would you think that, Ragatha?"
The doll had to fight the urge to bite her lip, to close her eyes at the fact that Pomni just wasn't getting it. It wasn't rocket science, there wasn't some grand realization the jester had to make, but given the current circumstances, Ragatha would have to treat it as such.
"..You looked at him every day like he was something sacred. L-Like there was a semblance of good behind those eyes," the doll breathed out a shaky breath, opting to grip the frabic of her dress covering her knees, not meeting Pomni's eyes once again.
"I-It was both of you for what felt like all of Caine's adventures. A-And I was there for you, always checking in, always giving, and e-every time Pomni.. Every time you ran to him and held on for dear life."
Touchy subject. Touchy subject, indeed. Pomni prickled at those words, eyes squinting as her brows creased in defense.
"W-Well, I'm sorry if being friends with someone other than you hurt your feelings. But I was allowed to talk to other people, Ragatha—"
The doll shook her head, a wry chuckle escaping her lips.
"Was? Pomni — you still are! You're not hearing me, y-you can be friends with anyone here! But it's the fact that you chose to chase someone who — let's be real honest — was never going to change in the first place!" Ragatha retorted, hands that were once bunched into her dress now being used to help her off the bench. Pomni followed suit.
"But I wanted to try! I wasn't just going to sit there and let Jax drown!"
"BUT HE DID!" Ragatha snapped, Pomni leapt back. The doll inhaled deep, breathing out slowly as she tugged at her yarn locks.
"I-I'm sorry, Pomni. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted, I just—"
"She."
The doll puzzled, quirking an astonished brow. "What?"
"But she did."
Ragatha's eye widened in realization, a pang of sympathy hitting her heart before she nodded wordlessly. Pomni sighed, snatching her hat from the bench and cramming it back onto her head. The doll watched as the jester made a beeline for the stairs back up to the circus, part of her wanting to reach out and stop her, to beg her to not leave again. Though the other half, it laughed, and it droned on in her head in a nagging voice that told Ragatha to shut it. So, just like old times, she did.
The smell of furnished hardwood and floral potpourri never failed to send her into a deep sense of dread. Walls painted pale gray, lined with family portraits that never held much warmth stared at the girl as she walked bare feet against the cold floor.
The bedroom she'd retreat to stay in when she became too harsh was the only safe haven the girl found within the old farm house, save for the horse stable outside. The building, in and of its entirety, was beyond suffocating. The nights often left her more scared, more terrified to breathe in a way she wouldn't like.
The walls carried shadows of past pain, days, months, years, of decisions deemed "not good enough" or words that weren't to her liking, never let young Suzie get any sleep. This house was never made a home, there was no warmth that lay in it. No safety. Though, it was never meant to be that way. And without her, Suzie knew that completely.
Like today, and all the days before, she wanted the girl to be up in time for her chores. Grueling things they were, though Suzie never complained. Complaining was a big red warning sign in the house, she held no tolerance for daughters who ran their mouths. For daughters who objected.
The early morning light never made it past dense curtains, bathing every room in a dull and gloomy aura that Suzie wished she hadn't gotten used to. But walls were just that; walls. No coldness of any floor, portrait, or barren ceiling would ever compare to the icy tone of the woman who gave her life.
Six a.m, bright and early, prim and proper, she'd meet her in the kitchen.
"Mama?" She'd call, not too loud and not too quiet, turning the corner as her feet pattered down the hallway. Volume equaled punishment, and silence only accelerated the inevitable. Suzie longed to delay that as much as possible. But alas..
"M-Mama?" She'd try again. The young girl would peer around the corner, eyes fixating on a back turned humming a tune she'd heard one too many times.
"Good morning, Sue," Mama would reply smoothly. Evenly.
"I—I'm ready for.."
Mama spun around, a soap-coated sponge gripped tightly in her fist. Suzie's mouth snapped shut, eyes fixed to the floor. She didn't know why her shoulders tensed at such quick movements from the woman, her body and mind preparing for something she'd felt one to many times across her face, her forearms. Maybe this was how it was for every kid at home, she'd reason to herself after. Maybe she was just extra special.
"It's proper you reply with 'good morning', as well, Sue. Have I not raised you as such?"
"G-Good.. morning, ma'am—"
"Now, there's the daughter I remember."
That word rotted in her mouth and mind. Daughter. Suzie wanted to vomit right on the spot at such a label. A label she carried like chains bound to her wrists and ankles, a sentence that would follow her well into adulthood until she was laid to rest. But through it all, she nodded wordlessly, hands folded neatly in front of her like mother had practically beaten into her for years.
"Now, look at me."
All the warmth, if any at all resided in the woman's tone, had seeped through the cracks in the hardwood floor.
She'd make sure the lessons she taught her daughter so generously followed her well beyond this property. Well beyond stables, plowed fields, hay stacks, pitchforks, harsh words, harsher hands, and the satisfaction she felt watching Suzie crumble beneath it all. The girl was a prisoner here, and even though here she stood, thirteen and innocent, she learned to take it all. But, Suzie was not naive. Far from it. And mother knew that, so for the duration of the poor girl's life she'd spend every waking moment making sure those reinforcements were broken down.
One by one.
Suzie slowly began to tilt her head up, folded hands shaking like a warning sign.
A sixth sense.
In this household, self-esteem was a threat to control. As well as confidence, self-assurance, acceptance, and love. Growing up, love was not handed on a silver platter available at the biggest or littlest instances. It was given to the poor girl smeared on knives, coated in candied words of approval and validation. Perfect for a broken mind, and even better for mother. Though with the slightest mishap, the second something was out of place in those piercing eyes, all that was to be stripped away.
"I SAID LOOK AT ME!"
Suzie's head snapped up instantly, heart nearly stopping at the booming sound of her mother's voice. Her shoulders shook, hands that were once folded in front of her moving to clamp them over her ears. Though she remembered, fighting back wasn't in the cards, shutting mother out no matter in what way, only worsened the consequences. So, Suzie folded her hands back in front of her, disregarding the way her crushing hold on them was the only option to ground herself against the woman.
"I-I'm.. sorry mama," she apologized, mouth as dry as cotton. She hated the way her eyes brimmed almost instantly as the result of her fear.
The woman scoffed, a puddle of sudsy water dripping from where mother clenched her fist around the dish sponge. Suzie kept her eyes glued to the woman's face, tracing every detail her mind drank up desperately as a way to prepare for any other lash outs. Though, that was just the thing. Mother never made it obvious, that's why walking on eggshells became ordinary. That's why analyzing and observing the tiniest changes in peoples' attitudes or demeanors became second nature.
That's why Suzie always strived to be mommy's perfect little girl.
Her brain committed everything to memory, the furious downturn of brows, the disgusted curl of lips sneering down at her, and the ire burning behind the stormy hazel eyes they both shared. Suzie stared fearfully into turbulent irises that never settled, that never ever let the violent waves calm. Though even if they appeared that way, the girl knew there'd be something beneath it all, waiting for her. A guilt-trip, a screaming match, a searing cheek after a fiery palm, anything that put the young girl back in her place.
"You should be. What a disrespectful brat," mother spat bitterly, glancing down at the puddle beside her.
"Now, clean up this mess you made me make."
Suzie nodded immediately, body rigid as she moved to get a dry cloth to clean up the spill. Mother would hate that her dress had been rumpled from this, but she'd hate it even more if her daughter disobeyed a simple command. Weighing her options, Suzie Joanne Ackerman followed through, not wanting to upset the woman any further.
Just like she had grown so used to doing.
Ragatha ran down the stairs of that escalator like a sobbing child who'd just stepped on a bug. She sniffled, wiping away tears that never quelled, wishing they never slipped down her chin and soaked into the fabric of her dress collar.
The Gloink Queen's cave was lit by beautiful glowing shapes and inanimate objects stuck in the rocky walls. The ground beneath the doll's feet was something she was still getting use to, the space the queen had carved out for her own offspring now supported one more addition to the family. And as foreign as it felt to Ragatha, being so openly welcomed and appreciated, she slowly learned to put the warning sirens away at the sight of the maternal beast.
"Leotthew! Blumby! What did I tell you about throwing your sister off of the bookshelf!" She scolded, the star and triangle gloink quickly bouncing off the wooden decor. The gloink Ragatha could only assume was their sister hit the ground with a light thud. The doll's hurried steps slowed, though her tears did not. Ragatha sobbed in her hands, every lively shape around her bouncing in excitement to see her, though they settled at the sight of their adopted sister in such a sorrowful state.
The Gloink Queen turned her many eyes towards her daughter, narrowing them worriedly as she slithered her yellow-spotted body towards the poor woman.
"My my! Child, why do you cry? What's happened?" She grumbled out, wobbly lips downturned.
The gloinks gathered around Ragatha, all different shapes and colors coming together to comfort the rag doll. She sat down, the Gloink Queen quickly moving to allow her to rest against her body.
"I-I really.. messed up, Ms. Gloink Queen," Ragatha sniffled, hands covering her face to catch her falling tears. The queen shook her head, not believing a single word for a second.
"Nonsense! A beautiful girl such as yourself? What could you have possibly done to warrant such emotions?" She asked, lips rattling.
"I upset Pomni… A-And I think she really does—" Ragatha choked out, the lump in her throat dragging her words back down before she could stop herself. The gloinks all kept close to her, the queen listened carefully.
"H-Hate me now.."
She hadn't met the jester yet, but the Gloink Queen had heard plenty about her from Ragatha's lips. Some days she'd be talking so animatedly about an adventure the two of them had gone on, eye shining as she recalled every detail. The queen enjoyed hearing the doll's stories, her large heart feeling warmth at the sight and sound of hearing joy seap through Ragatha's being like a sink overflowing with nothing but love.
Though at times, the beastly worm would notice Ragatha recluse into her head about something she couldn't place. She knew it had something to do with Pomni, and that didn't please her. With every chance the royal got, she would consult the doll about it. However, Ragatha simply made an excuse to save face every instance she did, to save the trouble of burdening others with her emotional baggage.
As much as it stumped the Gloink Queen, it pained her as well, to know that one of her own was so disheartened about an issue she knew was tearing her apart from the inside. So now, the queen hoped this was the moment she'd finally be able to assist her daughter with what had been plaguing her for far too long.
The Gloink Queen grumbled to herself, all eyes blinking out of sync as she heard Ragatha's words. The hulking worm curled herself inwards even more around her, an instinct from hearing the pain in the doll's voice. And in that low gravelly cadence, she spoke.
"Start from the beginning, sweet child."
And so, Ragatha did. And boy, was the queen upset. Though not at the doll, but at Pomni. How dare she blame her beloved adopted daughter on making such a valid point? Ragatha had been in the right; why didn't Pomni assure her of their status as friends sooner? Why wait until shit had hit the fan to finally admit those feelings? It was a mystery to anyone who couldn't see past those red and blue irises, and Ragatha would wish upon every fabricated star until she knew. But that was just the case, she didn't know. And until she saw Pomni again, it'd stay that way.
"How dare that puny jester say such vile things to you, Ragatha! The audacity to keep you caged like that!" The Gloink Queen fumed, Ragatha wiped her eyes, waving her hands in refusal.
"N-No, it's not like that! Please, Ms. Gloink Queen, you've got to understand, Pomni didn't mean to hurt me! Just like I didn't mean to hurt her!"
The thick smooth skin of the queen wriggled against the doll, the hulking worm moving to slither in frustration around the cave. Ragatha stood up, her fellow gloink siblings assisting her from behind.
"Child, you were not the one causing harm when you were merely wishing to seek clarity! That Non….Gloinkinian purple rabbit hath stolen away what should have been equally yours! Because it is, my dear!"
Tears pricked Ragatha's eye at the queen's words, so fulfilling and so terribly foreign to her. Worthy of Pomni's time, that was something she thought far too much on the past couple of months. When Jax was still with them, that's all she found herself longing for, even when not actively thinking on it. Ragatha still caught herself wishing for a glance, a supportive smile, something that wasn't always surrounded by snark and lilac fur.
And yeah, maybe the doll was selfish for thinking that a way. Or even, that's just what had been instilled in her from a young age. To ask for reassurance and quality time, things that shouldn't have been excluded from the equation but woven fully and willingly, should have greeted the doll at her doorstep with a smile. And it did, just not with the kind of smile she was expecting, the grin was much more yellow than she would have liked. And much more sinister.
"So then," Ragatha sniffled,"What should I do?"
The Gloink Queen halted in her angry movements, the multiple eyes atop her head softening at the sight of her daughter so broken up. The worm sighed.
"That's a decision I shan't make for you, dear. But it's one I can help guide you along. So, let me ask you this: Do you still wish to be friends with Pomni?"
"Of course I do!" Ragatha replied without missing a beat. The queen sighed through sharp teeth, a sound of sadness for the woman.
"Even if she is unwilling to see things from your perspective?"
"She's Pomni, Ms. Gloink Queen. She always come through one way or another."
The giant worm hummed low and long, nodding that pointed loose snout towards the rag doll. She looked to the rest of her children, all the gloinks she had given life to leaping and bounding so carelessly. Her eyes fixed on Ragatha again, who had her hands clasped in front of her like always, as if trying to shrink herself down to size in comparison to the queen's massive form.
"Well then, you certainly have your answer. But as your mother, I worry for you, child. I will always worry, for that is part of my job. No matter what happens, I'll be here for you. Never let that cease in your mind." The Gloink Queen said.
"..M-Mother?"
The queen upturned her brow at the doll's cautious tone of voice.
"Is that not what I became the moment I took you in?"
Ragatha looked to the floor, inhaling a deep shaky breath, the worm noticed the grip of her hands tighten.
"My dear, what ails you?"
Her shoulders shook, and rivers flowed free from her eye yet again. The rag doll did not look up, not being able to find the strength within herself to confront what beautiful package had just been given to her.
"I-It's nothing.. don't worry about it," she murmured.
But that's all a mother could do in that moment.
Ragatha finally met the Gloink Queen's gaze, a watery smile on that stop-motion mouth of hers, gratitude in every crease. It didn't take long for the giant worm to understand, maybe not the full story, but she had a hunch on what ran through her daughter's mind when the royal had uttered that label. A label that had once held such painful gravity and anguish, now slowly breaking apart in the company of someone much more nurturing.
"Just… thank you. Thank you, Ms. Gloi — Mom."
The queen smiled, rows of razor sharp teeth contorted into a sweet expression.
"Always, my child. Always."