Archive of Our Own

Jay hears Lloyd long before he steps into the kitchen.

The bounty, well, she's got a little bit of a habit of announcing other people's business. She's practically a living beast herself, noisy and loud, with the floorboards creaking every other step and the hull groaning as she tosses in the wind. Jay, as a fellow complainer, can appreciate it and finds himself grinning at this more often than not, but even he has had his fair share of moments where he really wishes he could just tell the Bounty to quiet down.

…He's also discovered way too many hidden compartments and passages during his time doing electrical work — way more than he ended up telling the others about, just in case he wanted to do something with that later — and he also found ten or twelve too many swords, weapons, and other various secrets hidden inside the walls. Enough for Jay to be confident that he found them all, but also enough for him to be self-aware that he thought that at six, and he's currently sitting at fifteen. He's probably going to be finding new compartments of pirate horror for years, which is equal parts exciting and extremely frightening. All which means that even if he could tell the Bounty to quiet down, it probably wouldn't be in anyone's best interest.

Either way, Jay's gotten intimately familiar with the Bounty's creaks and groans, meaning that he knows that Lloyd is awake and wandering long before he gets sight of him.

Hearing the guest room door — which has a very distinct rattling click — open and close, as quiet as possible, makes Jay groan. The cold night is starting to sink into his skin, making itself all too known with the occasional shiver, and Jay can only down so many cappuccinos before it starts doing more harm than good, which, by his count, was two refills ago.

He's been fidgeting with the Bounty's mainframe for several hours at this point with no luck, and he knows that he's going to pay the price for it in the morning. It's not too unusual, and Jay can deal with it, but now Lloyd's up, and —

Okay, yes, maybe it's a little bit unfair for Jay to be judging this kid so harshly. He's clearly been through a lot, and he clearly hasn't had any good influences on him throughout his life, but.. Jay's allowed to dislike him. If not for the whole releasing ancient evil serpentine and siccing them on his parents part, then for Lloyd messing up the programming on the training bot that Jay had been working on for days just to prove a point. That was not a fun morning.

Jay hasn't really had a proper conversation with Lloyd at all, but there's little that Jay can imagine the two have in common. What's he supposed to say to him anyway? Is he just supposed to walk up and go hey, kid, when I was your age I was spending hours trying to beat an old silly arcade machine at the junkyard I lived in. You, on the other hand, may have just restarted a decades old war. How about you start leaving my stuff alone? Ugh.

Lloyd being awake at this hour means that he's most likely sneaking around, trying to use his grimy palms to reach at something to mess with and then ruin, and make everyone else miserable while he laughs. It's either that, or, like Jay, Lloyd also can't sleep, but, well… Jay's not really sure what to do with that if that's the case.

The weight of Jay's body easily sinks into the kitchen counter, and he tries hard to ignore the drooping burn in his eyes. Something in him protests, that weird feeling coming back to him in an annoying flare in his chest. The same one that's keeping him up. He'll handle it — whatever it is, whatever it means, in the morning. Jay tries to fight back the exhaustion weighing on him, tries to find some kind of resolution in himself to keep steady for the rest of the night, until…

Jay doesn't really realize his face is screwed up in a wince until he opens his eyes to the sound of Lloyd's footsteps trying and failing to sneak into the kitchen.

Lloyd's wrapped in his old battered shirt, holes and worn fabric coming apart at the seams. He's fiddling with an end, and Jay has no doubt that Lloyd's the cause for some of the strings coming loose. Lloyd's hair is equally unkept, and it falls messily across his teary eyes. Uh oh. Jay saw him like this only once before, when the Ninja had first caught him and dragged him aboard the bounty. With Wu's stern look and the whispers among the team about having finally caught the brat, the small amount of composure Lloyd had suddenly broke apart like shattered glass and he screamed — asking the others what they planned to do with him. Jay always thought that Lloyd was unhinged, but there it seemed that he was some kind of cornered wild animal, one without any last tricks up their sleeve with nothing to but snarl and try to bite at whatever comes close until the end. They all shut up after that.

Seeing Lloyd tucked kindly into bed, peeking into his room to see Lloyd's face evened out into some expression that could almost be labeled peace… well, while it had been frustrating at the time, Jay would be lying if he said that he wasn't a little bit relieved.

Lloyd's eyes widen further when he spots Jay in the kitchen, mouth opening and closing, before his expression twists into a familiar distaste. "What are you doing here?" Lloyd asks, tense, and he spits out the words like Jay's somehow insulted him with his mere presence.

Jay wants to grit out some snarky response, say that, well, Jay's allowed to be out here, and Lloyd's the one really intruding on their ship, by the way we're the ones letting you stay here — but his mouth immediately feels dry, and his throat tightens up. There are still tear tracks on Lloyd's cheek. He tries to wipe them, still glaring at Jay, but he doesn't get it all the way. So Jay just shrugs. "Working on Bounty stuff." Jay explains, raising a brow. "What about you? Why are you out here, Lloyd?" Jay can't really help the accusatory tone that slips easily into his voice, and he only really becomes aware of his mistake when Lloyd shrinks, just a little, under his gaze.

Lloyd doesn't back down though — staring, just a little blankly, before attempting to tense and straighten. It doesn't have the desired effect, because seeing Lloyd try to puff himself up to seem strong just makes Jay more aware of how tiny he is. "Cause I wanted to be." Lloyd says, grinning and crossing his arms like he's just had an excellent comeback. He's, uh, still sniffling though. And his eyes are still glossy.

Maybe Jay's beginning to panic just a little bit. He's got no idea what to do with this kid, no idea what's going on with him other than the fact that he's just been crying and it's like three in the morning, and Jay has exactly zero practice comforting little kids, especially annoying menaces such as Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon. Jay can comfort people sometimes, but they're usually his parents or people his own age or just… people that Jay already knows and likes, and Lloyd is none of those things.

Jay's fingers taps anxiously against the cold surface of the counter, and he tries to come up with something to say to diffuse this situation before it crosses too strongly into uh oh territory.

Jay spots his mostly empty mug of a cappuccino, and suddenly has an idea. "I was actually thinking of making myself a cup of —" Jay blinks when he turns to Lloyd, small and definitely a child. He doubts that one is supposed to offer coffee to a ten year old. "…hot chocolate for myself." He says, slowly, trying to correct his mistake, but Lloyd's eyes only narrow in suspicion. Jay clears his throat. "I've been trying to get as good as Zane, you see? But I, uh, I need to get a second opinion, so… You wouldn't happen to want any, would you?"

Lloyd lights up. He nods enthusiastically, and scrambles awkwardly but determinedly to hop up onto the island stool. Jay can't help but smile at the sight, though he quickly turns around before it turns into a laugh and Lloyd gets mad at him for it.

He quickly gets to work, and the room is soon filled with the soft clink of silverware hitting the mug while he stirs and the low hum of the microwave. Lloyd doesn't speak, though while his back is turned, Jay can hear him try to muffle his shaky breaths behind his hand. When their cups are done, Jay carefully places Lloyd's mug in front of him, trying his best to keep it balanced to not spill anything, as it's filled to the brim with whipped cream.

"Careful," Jay warns, "It's hot." Lloyd grabs it anyway, and hisses quietly when he finds that Jay was being honest. "Should've trusted me." He says, and Lloyd rolls his eyes.

With the hot chocolate being too hot to drink, Lloyd ends up just eating at the whipped cream, resulting in a small dollop of it ending up on his nose. Jay doesn't say anything about it, he just tries not to laugh and tries to snuff out the fondness growing in his chest. Once cooled enough, Jay takes a sip from his own hot chocolate, humming in appreciation at the taste and the slight undertones of the coffee left from the bit he had in his mug. He's sure he'd appreciate the taste more if he hadn't already had a million cappuccinos tonight.

"So," Jay begins after Lloyd's had a few sips, "What do you think? Honestly."

Lloyd looks up at him, then down at the hot chocolate. He sets the mug down and pushes it away from him, as if to try and show that he doesn't care that much, and then straightens to be more serious. "Not as good as Zane's," Lloyd says critically, "…but a pretty good effort. I doubt you'll ever be on his level, but I'll accept it."

Jay scoffs. "Wow, okay, very honest. Ouch." He says. "Give it a rating, then. Out of ten."

Lloyd gives him a look, as if daring him. "Six."

Jay's eyes widen. "A six? Oh, come on! Okay, okay, well," Jay opens the fridge back up, grabbing the whipped cream container. "Is it still a six if I do… this?" He asks, grabbing Lloyd's mug and filling it back up with whipped cream, adding a little extra flourish on top.

He passes it back to Lloyd, and Lloyd accepts it — trying his hardest to hide the smile growing on his face. He replaces it with a shit-eating grin, one that Jay's gotten far too familiar with. Lloyd takes a slow, long sip from the hot chocolate before meeting Jay's eyes once more.

He pauses. "Six and a half."

Jay dramatically and suddenly places his hand over his heart, and stumbles back a step as though he's been hit. "You wound me." He says, and Lloyd snickers. The sound of it brings Jay relief, and something inside of him loosens. He stays in character for a few seconds longer before he laughs quietly and takes a sip of his own drink.

He completely agrees with Lloyd's assessment and would rate it a six also, but he's not going to say that out loud.

The sudden levity in the air makes Jay aware of the slight unease, though. It's light and happy now, but it feels unnatural. Odd. Like this isn't supposed to be happening. That understanding makes the relaxed tone of the room twist into something else, as when Jay pauses to consider this, Lloyd immediately tenses and begins sneaking distrustful glances at Jay. Or, well, he's trying to be sneaky, Jay assumes. He's not really succeeding. Regardless, it suddenly hits Jay that this does feel weird.

Lloyd's eyes are still a bit shiny, he seems too restless, and Jay instinctively wonders if Lloyd's cooking up some evil plan to poison him next chance he gets. He knows it's irrational, the kid hasn't tried to kill anyone (yet) and Lloyd genuinely seems like he's upset over something rather than being mischievous, but the thought still lingers.

It only takes a second for it to click. He doesn't trust Lloyd, and Lloyd doesn't trust him. All things considered, it's a pretty basic equation. Lloyd and the Ninja have been on complete opposite sides, they've fought and ruined each other's plans and only recently discovered that Wu was a solid middle ground — a rope completely unwilling to abide in their game of tug-of-war. It's honestly surprising that Jay and Lloyd felt, even if just for a moment, comfortable enough around each other to joke about hot chocolate. It probably felt unnatural because Jay subconsciously knows that it'll never happen again.

…Still. That's probably gonna be very hard to live with. Probably why Jay's having so much more trouble relaxing than he usually is. Distrust just… makes everything ten times more tense, harder to deal with, and is one of the main reasons why the their conflicts with Lloyd keep blowing up in their face. Their distrust is valid, definitely, but it's also unfortunately causing a rift between the Ninja, Wu, and Lloyd. Someone is going to need to bridge the gap eventually, offer a hand towards the other side, towards Lloyd, and trust that he won't bite.

(Though honestly, at this point, Jay wouldn't be surprised if Lloyd does bite. Like, actually.

…Maybe that's something that him and Lloyd have in common. It'd be pretty funny, actually, if that were their point of relatability. When Jay was younger, he used to —

His fingers squeeze his mug, just a bit, but there's an aching in his hand that suddenly alights, red and raw, as though it's perking its head up after it hears what might've been its name. Phantom pain. Jay tastes iron.

No. Not right now. Not tonight. Jay will handle it in the morning.)

…Regardless, Jay's been waiting for come kind of apology from Lloyd, whether in words or in actions. Some kind of sign that he's actually going to be good, honest, and genuine, and that he's taking full responsibility for his past mistakes. Maybe he'll ask Jay for a list of all the things that he could do to be better — a list that Jay would happily give — and then they'll work out their issues and get used to Lloyd's presence. But… seeing Lloyd now, hands placed around his mug in an attempt to keep them warm and to resist the shivers that threaten to run down his back, well. Jay gets a feeling that it's going to need to be another person to reach out first.

"I couldn't sleep because I was trying to work on a new invention of mine." Jay says, looking down into his half-empty mug, and ignores the way that Lloyd's eyes snap to him, the way that he takes a sharp breath in. Jay opens his mouth, then closes it again. Trust, Jay, he tries to remind himself, trust. Jay sighs. "It's easy for me to get like, fixated on these things. I've messed up so much that I just—I always want to get things done right. To prove to myself that I can do things right if I try hard enough. It's a bit of a silly thing to get worried over, but I do. I can't help it."

Jay looks towards Lloyd, who's staring at him with wide eyes and a slightly agape mouth. "It's getting a bit late, though. I guess I'm curious — is there any reason why you can't sleep either?"

Jay's words sit between them, a tentative offer. Jay's opened up — nothing too crazy, of course, just something that can pass close enough to the truth — and it's up to Lloyd to decide what he wants to do with it. If he'll choose to take this information and use it against Jay in the morning, pointing and laughing wickedly, or, if he'll reach out his hand too, take Jay's offer for what it is, and give him something in return.

A few seconds pass in silence before Lloyd's eyes are drawn back to his mug.

"…You'll laugh at me." Lloyd says, a half-whisper that Jay almost can't quite catch, and oh, isn't that familiar. It reminds Jay of snickers behind his back and look at his clothes and why are you so upset, it's just a hunk of metal, and holding himself at night because crying is stupid and their words don't matter, Mom said so, and—

Jay shakes his head. "I won't." He says. A promise.

Lloyd places his hands firmly on the table, and they soon curl into fists. Lloyd looks up at Jay, then towards his hands, back and forth — before he just shuts his eyes tight, as though he's about to rip off the bandaid. "I had a bad dream."

Truthfully, his words don't reveal anything new. Jay had figured as much, and the words themself don't shock Jay as much as Lloyd simply saying them does. It's a startling revelation and Jay's eyes widen at the fact that Lloyd had, apparently, seen Jay's vulnerability and taken a brave new step forward, still obviously scared, but trusting. Something brand new weighs on Jay's shoulders. Some kind of new responsibility. New purpose. New pride.

"Thank you for telling me." Jay says. "Are you okay?"

Lloyd's eyes slowly peek open, scared as to what they'll find, but while they're still a little bit wet with tears, they seem coated more in present moment shock. Lloyd quickly looks away, and he shrugs, though the motion is a bit jagged and jerky, unnatural. "Well—well, yeah," He says, as if it's supposed to be obvious. "I don't get scared by stupid things like that. I just thought that sleeping wasn't worth my time anymore."

Taking another sip of hot chocolate, as though giving the words a moment to settle, Jay shrugs. "I don't think it's stupid." He replies, slower and more careful. "I mean… I get scared by bad dreams."

"…Really?"

Jay nods. "All the time." He whispers, maybe a bit too honestly.

Neither of them speak for a while, but that slowly reshapes into a comforting thing. The wind blows outside, something that's able to be heard through the windows and felt through the sway of the bounty. It moves like the two of them are being held, like they're feeling the breath and the heartbeat of something else keeping them safe.

The silence in the air spread between the two of them is somehow filled with that same feeling. Understanding, maybe, or… or maybe something that feels a little bit closer to home.

Weird. Jay thinks, glancing over Lloyd. Lloyd and home. That's something that Jay never thought could be mixed.

When Lloyd is finally finished with his hot chocolate, Jay takes both of their mugs and puts them in the sink, promising himself to wash them later so Zane won't get mad again. Then he looks back at Lloyd, who's already eyeing him carefully from his seat, as if waiting for Jay to decide what's supposed to happen next.

"Well." Jay says. "How about the both of us try to go back to bed?"

Lloyd doesn't stop staring, but he furrows his brows and opens his mouth as though he's about to ask some kind of puzzling question, before nodding, resigned. Even then, though, he seems unsure — like he doesn't know what to do with his words, but doesn't know what to do with the silence either. Wordlessly, he hobbles off of the stool.

It's fine, Jay reasons. Trust won't just happen immediately. It'll take time, but… time, Jay thinks, is something that he's willing to offer too.

Jay helps Lloyd back into bed, folding the blankets over him gently, ensuring that Lloyd's comfortable. Lloyd still seems a bit skeptical, and scoffs a bit when Jay first moves to tuck him in, but doesn't refuse.

"Come and get me if you need anything, okay? You can wake me up whenever, I don't mind. Even if it's silly. Though, uh, make sure it's just me you wake up. The others might get kinda mad." Jay says in the hall, one hand on the doorknob of Lloyd's door. "Goodnight."

Despite how quiet Lloyd whispers it, Jay still hears the faint you too the moment before the door creaks shut and clicks with its signature rattle.

Jay hums in the hall, smiling. He doesn't end up sleeping that night, but he spends the rest of it curious about how, even with Lloyd there on the Bounty, it still feels like home.

Lloyd looks at him weirdly the next morning, and, when the two of them are the last left at the table at breakfast, Lloyd blurts out a quick did you get good sleep? and Jay is so caught off guard that he almost chokes on his water. Yeah. He replies, and watches Lloyd slump in relief. Me too. Lloyd says, lips curling into a small shy smile. It feels like trust.

Jay didn't ever tell him that he was lying, but he knew he'd lie a hundred more times if it meant he could keep seeing Lloyd smile like that.

Much, much later, Jay realizes that was probably the first time that he saw Lloyd as his little brother. More importantly, though, this is when Jay stops complaining about being chosen to babysit Lloyd for the day and begins to find out more about him. Like how Lloyd's laugh really does sound like he's a ten year old evil mastermind even when he's not doing anything malicious, how he always chooses the good guy options in the games he plays and is so insistent he will reset to go five levels back to make a better choice, and how he has a fantastic taste in comics.

His heart won't stop racing.

It feels like it's trying to rip itself out of Jay's chest, and the dread and fear gripping firm around it won't go away.

Things have settled down now. Everyone's finishing packing up the last bit of their stuff — which truthfully isn't much, since they hardly got unpacked in the first place — so that they can move out first thing in the morning. They knew, deep in their hearts, that their schedules were unreasonable and keeping this up was simply unrealistic, but the truth of it came with a sharper slap than they had thought possible. With everything that happened with Skales and the sudden understanding that Lloyd's training hadn't gotten him far enough to do anything other than scream for help… Everyone knew that they needed to turn things around fast.

Which is why they're kissing their sweet new apartment goodbye and going back to their first option. Jay's not actually that opposed to it, since it's surprisingly nostalgic for him to be cramped up in such a small little space with family, and the rustic fixer-upper tone of their one bedroom apartment reminds him a lot of the trailer he grew up in. It was nice to imagine that he could be a rich snooty guy who could afford a place like this for a little while though.

Still. Things have settled down. They're going to make sure that nothing like this happens again. They won't be so… busy. They'll keep their heads on straight and never forget about one of their own ever again.

Or two.

(Stop that.)

…His heart won't stop racing.

It's just… annoying now, Jay decides. It feels like when he's accidentally had too much coffee and each of his limbs are all shaking and vibrating on different frequencies. Everything he does just feels clumsy, like he can't get a hold on anything and he's slipping without a way to grab onto some kind of railing— but it's fine. It's fine now. He's fine. Everyone's fine. His body just hasn't gotten the memo yet.

This would be a great time for him to go out and get some air. Go for a walk to clear his head.

But — ha, he's… too scared.

Which is funny. He hasn't been this rattled for a long time.

It's funny.

He—He needs to calm down.

He compromises with himself by sitting on the cushioned bench beside the big window. It's easily dusk now, and the city lights are starting to become brighter than the rest of the sky. It's not… quite dark, not by Jay's standards, at least, but it's getting there.

"Jay?"

Jay turns and sees Lloyd, hesitantly standing behind him.

"Oh, hey kid." Jay says, smiling. Lloyd shifts a little on his feet, hesitantly standing in the hall like he's not really sure if he should commit to entering the room. Jay tilts his head, gesturing for Lloyd to come forward. Lloyd slowly moves to sit beside Jay, then immediately presses against him, leaning into his touch. Wordlessly, Jay sets a hand on his shoulder. "What a day, huh?" Jay says after a moment, looking down at him.

Lloyd takes that as an invitation to lean more into him, nestling into his shirt. "Yeah."

Jay hums. "What are you doing out here anyway?"

"Cole said I didn't have to help with packing if I didn't want to. None of it's really mine anyway." Lloyd explains. "There's like, everyone's stuff, but some of it is too heavy. I'm not strong enough to carry it by myself yet."

The word yet snags in Jay's mind, caught on some branch covered in thorns, because it has to be a yet. Lloyd has to get stronger. He has to become better than this. He has to bear the weight of the whole world on his shoulders one day, and right now he can't carry all the groceries in.

"You know…" Lloyd whispers, voice so faint and soft that Jay almost wants to quiet the world so he can hear him better, "I almost beat your highscore."

Jay blinks, trying to disguise his instinctive sharp breath. He thinks of when he first barged into the apartment, eyes scanning desperately around to find Lloyd, only to see the game-over screen and the discarded controller on the floor.

And Jay's first thought, somehow, was that Lloyd wasn't supposed to be playing videogames at that hour but it made so much sense that he would anyway. The thought was sweet, fond, until it was proof that Lloyd had just been there but wasn't anymore, and that if there was no one to tell him off then there was no one to protect him either.

But Jay doesn't mention it. He doesn't say that Lloyd shouldn't have been wasting time. He doesn't ask how many hours Lloyd's spent playing videogames instead of training, and doesn't say that if he got his priorities straight then maybe he would've been able to fight back. No. Instead, Jay just hums and asks, simply, "On fist-to-face?"

Lloyd's always been freakishly good at that game, and Jay would honestly be surprised if his score hasn't been completely overtaken and erased from the leaderboard. Jay hasn't even played that game in — well, a really long time, actually. The only person who's score might still be on the leaderboard is Kai, but Kai hasn't played for… longer, maybe.

Lloyd's really the only one who plays now.

Lloyd shakes his head. "On Dragons Flyers Ultimate." He says, and oh, that makes more sense. That's always been Jay's game — before he introduced it to Lloyd, of course. The controls always felt natural to him, despite how the others called them disjointed at best. Lloyd didn't take to the game immediately, but it being one of Jay's favorites, it was always the one that he'd make them play if they had time. That wasn't often, truthfully, but Jay loved dragging Lloyd out to sit in front of the TV to play whenever Jay was in the mood since it's better played with another person, and Lloyd loved excuses to stay up for an hour longer.

"Who'd you main?" Jay asks.

"Lightning."

Jay smirks. "That'll do it. It's because it's —"

"Extra fast." Lloyd whispers.

Jay huffs and ruffles Lloyd's hair. "Heh, you know it." He says, proudly grinning. "Guess I taught you well." He says, and then immediately regrets it. He really —

He really hasn't taught Lloyd anything.

Jay clears his throat. "Anyway, have I apologized yet?" He asks, trying to keep his tone light.

Lloyd opens his mouth, closes it. He looks away, hesitant, and shifts awkwardly. "I mean… everyone kinda did."

They did. They all ushered around Lloyd — Kai genuinely patted Lloyd down, as if to ensure that he was actually there and not a hologram or ghost — and apologized over and over again. They must've gained a hundred gray hairs when Nya told them what had happened, both from her perspective and what Lloyd had told her before. Lloyd didn't seem to want to repeat himself, so he just sat, silent, as Nya retold Skales's kidnapping attempt. They'd been quick to start packing after that.

Jay hums, thoughtfully, before looking back out towards the city. "If you want to count that, sure, but how 'bout something when we're not all freaking out, yeah? Sorry for not being there."

"…I would've been fine if the stupid door didn't stop working." Lloyd protests, still soft.

"That's one plus of our new apartment then, yeah? No stupid doors?"

"No stupid doors." Lloyd agrees.

"Oh, first thing that Cole teaches you when we officially start training again — how to kick down doors. It's always fun. And if he says that you need more practice with other things first or whatever, then let me know and I can teach you how to pick locks. Trust me, it's a useful skill to have."

"I was never good at picking locks." Lloyd frowns. "In school I always finished last, if at all."

"That's 'cause you didn't have me to teach you." Jay says easily, and moves to ruffle Lloyd's hair again. He pointedly ignores the fact that he's really bad at picking locks too and would be an awful instructor. Then he pauses, takes a deep breath. "…But I'll be here to teach you now."

"…Promise?"

"Promise."

Lloyd nods, and then slots himself back against Jay's side, trying to nestle in as close as he can. But then Jay feels his head shift, and when he follows his gaze, he finds that Lloyd's looking up at one of the platforms outside, raised above to the windows above the ones they're looking out through. The platforms that window washers use for fancy buildings like this one.

Lloyd looks up at Jay, then looks back. "Skales used one of those. To get in." He explains, quietly, like Nya hadn't already told them. Like it wasn't glaringly obvious when they first got into the apartment, with the platform right outside, the shattered glass on the floor, and the giant hole in the window that they're still silently trying to figure out how to pay for.

"That must've been scary." Jay says, then Lloyd tenses against him, sits up a little straighter. Jay can feel him begin to protest, and he can already hear Lloyd's tiny little I wasn't scared! in his head, so he quickly corrects himself. "I mean, I would've been terrified." Jay wraps an arm around Lloyd and gives him a quick squeeze. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay." Lloyd says. "I don't wanna have to do that again though."

"We'll make sure you don't have to. Sorry that it happened at all, though." Jay says, and gives Lloyd another squeeze. "We're here if you wanna talk about it, okay?"

Lloyd makes a small noise of acknowledgement. "Nya said that too. And I get it, and maybe I will. I just…" Lloyd hesitates, then huffs, frustrated. "I don't know. I don't have the words. What's there to talk about? It's stupid."

Jay pauses and considers. That's… fair, actually. Jay's whole approach of saying that Lloyd can talk to him about whatever is a bit flawed, considering that implies that Lloyd knows what to talk about, and he's like… eleven or whatever. The only thing that Jay knew how to talk about when he was Lloyd's age was trains. A lot of trains. And robots. Lloyd's life can be described as bumpy at best, and to put even more pressure on him to put his feelings into words might just be adding more salt to the wound.

So Jay decides on trying… something a little bit different. "You say you don't have the words?" He asks, then lowers his voice. "Well… can I tell you a secret?"

Lloyd's eyes snap to him immediately, focused entirely on Jay, and he nods.

Jay makes a show of it, glancing around as if to make sure that no one else can hear. "No one does." He whispers. "Do you know how many conflicts exist because no one can word things right? Like, so many that you can't even fathom them all. Do you think that half of those would exist if there were ways to put things into words correctly?" Jay asks, and watches Lloyd's eyes glint like they always do when he's enraptured by something, when he's figuring something out. Jay continues. "No one has the words. Not a single person. We're all just doing our best to make up for it."

Jay pauses, and then gestures towards the hall where Zane and Kai are carrying a heavy box to the door to add to the pile of other boxes. Well, Jay's gone this far with this bullshit, he may as well commit. "Zane always pauses before he talks because he's trying to find the words that fit the best for what he's trying to say. Kai, on the other hand, just says the first thing that comes to mind because he knows that the first ones that pop up in his head will be the most honest. Cole's kinda a mix." Jay shrugs. "Wu's probably the closest to having the words, but that just makes him harder to understand, so that doesn't work either."

Lloyd stares at him and Jay's heart swells up with fondness. He looks so… invested. Like he's just come to some grand realization and can now take the whole world by storm. Then he pauses, blinks, eyes still filled with wonder. "How do you make up for it?" He asks.

Jay looks at him, grins. "Take a guess."

Immediately, Lloyd's face pinches in frustration. "I hate guessing, you know this!" He exclaims, frowning.

Jay just rolls his eyes, unbothered. "I'll give you a hint. What do the others always say I do too much?"

Lloyd looks down, eyes scouring around like he's seriously contemplating and spending all his little brainpower to come to a conclusion. He spends a little while doing this, trying to ensure he finds the right answer, because there's nothing that Lloyd Garmadon hates more than being wrong and being humiliated for it. "…Talk?" Lloyd guesses.

Jay smiles wider. "You got it." He says with a wink. "I make up for not having the words by using as many of the ones I do know as much as I can. I'll talk and talk and talk for hours to make up for a single word I don't have. So… Uh, that being said," Jay says, deciding to circle back around, "I have a lot of words. None of them are the right ones, probably, but if you ever need any, then let me know, yeah? I've got more than enough, and we can look for the closest ones together to describe something you're going through if you want."

Lloyd shuffles. "But I don't know if you'd… get it." Lloyd says. "Like. You'd have to understand in the first place, and I dunno if you do or not."

This time, Jay pauses. "You know…" He begins, slowly. "Do you know what happened to me today?"

Lloyd looks up at him, eyes wide, then shakes his head.

Okay.

…Okay.

Jay takes a deep breath. "I got taken by some of the other serpentine generals. Held underground for a bit. In my attempt to escape I almost got run over by a train." Jay clicks his tongue, like he's just disappointed by the whole thing and is only saying this to show his disapproval. "I overheard their plan to take you, but I couldn't really get out of the underground in time to warn anybody or to… even get out at all since I was tied up. The others had to find me, but let me tell you, that was not fun either. And right now, it feels like…" He trails off, and curses his own bullshit wisdom for being accurate. There really aren't any words for this. Nothing he can nail down. Nothing that he can solidly point at and say that it explains everything that he's feeling right now. Jay swallows, hard. "…Like that train is still coming right at me, and I'm thinking —" He clicks his tongue again, shakes his head to disguise the shake in his voice, "I couldn't even get help."

They're silent for a few seconds. Jay's heart is beating loud in his chest. He's grateful that the two of them are sitting, that Lloyd's allowing Jay to hold him in such a tight hold, because it's helping Jay keep his composure and not crumble completely.

It's so stupid. It's so incredibly stupid and dumb and Jay wants to cry. His chest hurts so much that it feels like he actually was hit. There's a ringing in his ears like he can still hear the metal screeching against metal as the train bellows towards him.

He's so pathetic.

"…How'd you not get run over?" Lloyd asks, eventually.

Jay steadies himself. "The others stopped the train." He answers.

Lloyd goes quiet for another few seconds again, considering. "But it feels like… like you don't know the train stopped."

He swallows. "Yeah."

Lloyd takes a deep breath. "I think… I think I might maybe feel like I don't know that… that Nya's gonna open the door in time."

Jay hums in acknowledgement, and hopes that it covers the sound of his heart breaking in two. "Well then, I guess we've just gotta keep reminding ourselves." Jay offers. "That the train stopped. That Nya saved the day like she always does."

Lloyd shrugs. "I guess."

"I think the problem is that… we're really stubborn and set in our ways. A blessing and a curse, really. It's gonna take a lot of convincing. A lot of reminders."

"…But it'll happen?"

"Yeah." Jay says, and he smiles. "'Course it will."

It takes a long time before Jay starts going on trips alone in the city again, and longer before he doesn't feel like he's going to die when he crosses an unfamiliar street.

Lloyd, on the other hand… he never really stopped being scared out of his mind when he wasn't with somebody. He stopped acting like it after he took the Tomorrow's Tea though. He stopped crawling into other peoples beds, stopped leaning into their touch so desperately like it would be the last time he could. He tries to make everyone believe that he grew out of it naturally, but everyone knows that he didn't.

Lloyd's nightmares about his 'almost kidnapping' faded after the tea too, in a way — replaced by a hundred bigger and scarier monsters.

"Hey, Lloyd?" Jay calls from across the room, pushing his chair to glide across the smooth floors of Borg's office to get closer.

Lloyd slowly swirls in his chair to face Jay, though his head is the last to turn — Lloyd seemingly having a hard time pulling his eyes away from his desk. "…Yeah?"

"The new Fritz Donnegan movie is coming out. Did you wanna come see it with me?"

Lloyd's eyes light up — but then immediately narrow. He guiltily looks over at his portion of the desk, covered in small pieces of paper with labels and a big map of Ninjago City. A few places are highlighted, circled, and sticky notes litter beside it, reading toxic bogs?? and glacier barrens! and old serpentine tombs — may need permission. "I—I don't know. We've got a lot of stuff to look through." Lloyd frowns. "When's it playing?"

Jay gestures to his phone, shaking it a little in his hand. "I got tickets for tomorrow night."

Lloyd's eyes widen, caught somewhere between being extremely frustrated and terribly excited. "You already got tickets? For us?"

"Oh, for me, Cole, and Nya." Jay clarifies quickly, "But since it's Fritz Donnegan, I thought you'd want to tag along?"

"Oh." Lloyd's face falls, his shoulders sag, and then he turns back to his desk. He's quiet for a few seconds. "Sorry, Jay, this stuff is more important." He says, a little strained.

"Alright. Your loss."

Lloyd hums, still frowning. "Yeah." He says, quietly. "My loss."

The team didn't really talk after Zane's death. Not for awhile. Not consistently.

One night, though, Lloyd did get a lengthy message from Jay. Something about how much Lloyd meant to him, how Jay wished him the best, and so on. It was sent at four in the morning, clunky, riddled with spelling mistakes, and ended with a just take care of urself, ok? ur very strong. i know yu can get thru anything :) i love you. no matter what

Lloyd didn't even see it until he woke up the next morning, and he replied back with a similar message. It felt a little odd, but it was also nice to know at the time that Jay, at least, hadn't stopped thinking about him and the team. He didn't get a response back, though.

When Lloyd asked him about it casually when they all got together again, Jay just stared blankly at him. It was at, like, four in the morning? Lloyd said, trying to jog his memory.

…Oh, that. Jay had answered, slowly, but his expression looked a little blank. A little distant. I don't know. It was just a long night, and I was thinking about the team. That's all. I honestly forgot about it, heh.

Well it was sweet. Lloyd replied, smiling, and didn't question further. Jay didn't really like to be pushed about the time they spent apart, so Lloyd didn't.

Much later, Lloyd learns that the rest of the team had gotten similar messages from Jay that night — save Kai, who got a call. Lloyd gets a bit of a weird feeling about it, but he doubts it's important. If it was, then Lloyd's sure that Jay would tell him about it. Lloyd knows that he would.

He does. He does.

It's one of those times where Lloyd wakes up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep. He's been on a good streak recently of getting to go back to bed when he wakes up suddenly, but it seems that tonight marks the end of the last month of good rest.

There's not really anything that's keeping him up either. It was a nice day for all of them — all light training and laughter and a notable lack of life threatening situations to be caught up in. Lloyd guesses that he's just up for the sake of being up, and it might be best for him to accept his fate, drink a glass of water, and try again in an hour.

He swings his feet over the edge of his bed, pressing them against the hard cold floor, and then heads out into the hall. Lloyd walks quietly, careful with his footing to not disturb anyone.

He makes it about halfway down the hall before he hears a distant creak in the floorboards.

Lloyd turns the corner and is greeted by the sight of a figure in the hall, fumbling in the small closet. Lloyd squints and then realizes, suddenly, that it's Jay. He pauses, Jay clearly not knowing that he's there, and Lloyd can just barely make out details from the scattered ambient light in the hall.

Jay's leg is lifted half in the air, like he doesn't want to put pressure on it. It makes his balance look weird, like he's fighting a little to stay upright.

Lloyd should call out to him. Say that he's there. But he… stops, the words snagged somewhere in his throat.

He just stands, observing, because why is Jay looking in their medicine cabinet anyway until Lloyd pauses, and there's… a faint metalic smell in the air.

Jay pulls his hands close to his chest, shaking, and they're —

Jay's hands are covered in blood.

It's not a thick coat or anything. Not like Lloyd's seen those few times that still keep him up at night, but rather a painted thin cover over Jay's fingers and palm, staining his skin. Half dried, so Lloyd can make out the wrinkles and divots in his hand where the blood doesn't quite cover. Lloyd's eyes glance quickly across the sight, and sees a few streaks further down Jay's forearm as well.

"…Jay?" Lloyd finally croaks, eyes wide. Jay's head snaps to him. He stumbles, and then immediately pushes his hands further into the medicine cabinet, as if trying to keep them from Lloyd's view. Lloyd swallows. "…What's going on?"

Jay's eyes are wet. A bit bloodshot. "Hey, Lloyd." He says, then blinks. "What are you doing up?"

Lloyd's throat feels tight. "I was just getting a glass of water." Lloyd whispers, voice small and hesitant. "What… are you okay?"

"I'm okay." Jay says, and he lets his leg fall to the floor, trying to stand normally. The only sign of pain is the slight twitch of his eyebrow in the motion and the small inhale of breath when he distributes his weight. "It's okay. I'm just grabbing something."

Lloyd takes a step forward. "How much blood is there?" He asks, shaking.

Jay inhales sharply, and glances between Lloyd and his own hands. Then he shuts his eyes, brows furrowing, and the resigned frustration is written all over his face before he grimaces. Lloyd hears him mutter a quick fuck under his breath before he looks at Lloyd, smiling, strained. "Barely any." Jay says, and then shrugs. It's a bit of a jolty motion. Rattling. "It was just a scratch. I just don't want any to get on my blanket when I go to bed. Like, I just did my laundry. If this was yesterday then I wouldn't care. It's just annoying now because I have clean sheets. Keeping me from crawling into bed." He clicks his tongue, shakes his head. "That ever happened to you?"

Lloyd wants to believe him. So badly, Lloyd wants to believe him. "…But it," Lloyd's tongue feels heavy, each motion of him moving his mouth to form the words feels like operating machinery that weighs a million pounds. Like he's swallowed a chunk of metal and it's keeping the words in his throat. "If it's still bleeding, and bled that much, then that's, um… serious."

"I'm okay." Jay reassures again, pulling his lips into a half-smile and tilting his head, scrunching his face like Lloyd's missing something obvious and it's funny. It's only when Jay shifts that the light catches on his cheeks, and Lloyd sees that they're still a little wet with tears. "Don't worry about it, okay? I'm not hurt." He says, then fully turns back towards whatever he was grabbing, trying to end the conversation.

"…We didn't go on a mission today." Lloyd says, and watches Jay tense. "How… how did you, um…" Lloyd wants to ask what happened, but he can't put anything into words. He feels like he can't do anything, stuck frozen in something like fear. But it can't be fear, exactly, because this is Jay. Jay isn't scaring him. That doesn't… It doesn't make sense.

Nothing about this makes sense.

"It's nothing serious." Jay says instead of answering, voice now a little more gentle. "Just a scratch."

"…And you're looking in the medicine cabinet." Lloyd drawls out, slowly, "On the shelf where we keep the serious stuff."

Jay makes a face. He might be trying to look amused. In the dim light of the hall, it only makes Lloyd's throat tighten a little bit more, because Lloyd almost doesn't recognize him. "It was a big scratch."

"Do you need help?" Lloyd asks. "I—I mean if you're bleeding that much and it's, um…" He swallows. Hard. It tastes like blood. "Can I see, or, or help at all, or—?"

"No." Jay says, flat, then remembers himself. "I mean, thanks, but It's really nothing." Jay corrects, and he smiles again, long. "Seriously, it's nothing."

Lloyd hesitates. He can hear his heartbeat over the sound of the air conditioning. "I'm gonna… go back to bed then."

"Okay."

He doesn't move for a few seconds, lingering awkwardly, before he finally turns to leave. Lloyd only gets a few feet away before —

"Lloyd?" Jay calls.

Lloyd turns and stares at him.

Jay's expression shifts into something that looks pained. "Don't…" Jay begins, hesitantly, and swallows. Like it's hard for him to get the words out. Like they're choking him as he tries to pull them from his mouth. "Don't tell the others about this, okay?"

It takes a second, but Lloyd's eyes slowly widen in poorly contained fear. "What?" It hardly comes out. It's more of a breath, really. Lloyd blinks. "What do you — why —"

"Lloyd." Jay repeats, strained. Lloyd can hear the silent please don't.

Lloyd's heartbeat pulses violent under his skin, pounding against his chest like it's trying to get out. Like it's going to burst. "Okay." Lloyd says, almost involuntarily, but he doesn't regret it. He can't, because he trusts Jay more than he's scared. "I won't."

"Thank you." Jay looks back in the medicine cabinet. For just a second, Jay pulls back, a packet of gauze in his hands, and once more Lloyd sees the darkened red on his skin before it disappears behind the cabinet doors. "Get some good sleep, okay?" Jay whispers.

"You too."

Lloyd turns and walks quick back to his bedroom.

That night, Lloyd thinks about all the sharp things in the world that could possibly hurt him and those he loves, and Lloyd's own swords sit mocking in the corner of his room. After an hour of staring at them, Lloyd presses the tip of his finger into the sharp part of the blade and immediately recoils when it flares with pain. Blood begins to spill, Lloyd's breathing quickens, and he heads out into the hall to grab a bandaid.

The hall is empty. He approaches the medicine cabinet and uses the last bandaid to wrap his finger. A blot of blood gets on the paper and Lloyd is quick to throw it away.

His swords don't really look the same after that. Nor do his own hands. Lloyd doesn't tell anyone about it.

He doesn't see Jay until lunch the next morning, and he's completely fine, and things are normal, and Lloyd half-believes he dreamt the whole thing.

The only proof is the empty gauze packet that Lloyd finds in the trash a day later, spotted with red fingerprints next to the bloodied bandaid packaging. Lloyd tries to convince himself that it could've been from anything else, and one day forgets about the whole thing.

Lloyd looks half dead, and he's starting to act like it too. It's all a blur — him being rushed into the Bounty, sat down in bed and bombarded with questions — when did you last eat and on a scale of one to ten… and don't pass out on us now —

"What's the plan?" Lloyd croaks, voice raw, and it seems impossible for him to even do that much, to move his mouth at all, to have his mind set on the future rather than the pain of the present.

"The plan is to make sure that you're okay." Kai answers immediately. "Do you think you can eat?" He asks in return. Lloyd winces, then softly shakes his head.

"We have to stop Morro," Lloyd protests.

"We have to not lose you." Kai shoots back.

Jay just watches, caught up in the questions and panic and rushing and the mess of everything, trying to ignore how pale Lloyd looks, how he looks deader now than he did when there was a literal ghost inside of him.

Then the Ninja disburse, Zane and Nya trying their best to set up an IV, Cole making sure they weren't going to be followed, Kai running out to get a bowl of soup prepared —

Jay nudges in a little closer to Lloyd, grabs his hand, and gives it a squeeze. "Piece of advice," He says quietly, "Don't ever dye your hair black. It's not a good look."

Lloyd laughs, the sound breaking in two with some amount of disbelief and exhaustion, and Lloyd wheezes afterwards to try and catch his breath. But it's still a laugh, still some kind of smile, some kind of relief, and that's the most important thing in the whole world. Jay would do anything to take this pain away from him.

He squeezes Lloyd's hand again. "I'll be back in a second." He whispers.

"You…" Lloyd's voice strains. "You better be."

"Get some rest."

"I'll try."

"…Hey, after this, I'll make Zane whip you up the best hot chocolate of your life." Jay says, and Zane looks back at him briefly, still stressed beyond belief but offering Jay a small look of appreciation.

Lloyd smiles, then he closes his eyes. He needs his rest. It's going to be okay. He's going to wake up again, and Jay will make good on his word.

He rushes out of the room before he starts crying.

That's his brother in there, weak and exhausted, probably in such pain that Jay can't even imagine it. That's his little brother in there, dying.

(Not if they have anything to say about it. They won't let Lloyd slip through their fingers. Worst case scenario, the Ninja will tear through the departed realm to get Lloyd back. They won't hesitate. It's going to be okay, because it's Lloyd, and they'll do anything to make it so.)

Some nights, Jay feels like the only thing he can do is sleep. Rather unfortunately, most nights, he can't even do that.

Despite how his body aches and is laid in such exhaustion that the thought of getting out of bed makes him want to sink into the deepest depths of the ocean and never be uncovered, sleep commonly seems to be nothing but a distant unrequited love to idly daydream about in the middle of the night while half-hoping someone will break in and beat him until he's unconscious. Only half hoping, though, because the notable con is that he wouldn't have the conscious ability to create overly dramatic descriptions of why he can't sleep to giggle about when he's especially tired.

Now, his sleep is usually fitful when it's a good night and induces a panic attack when it's a bad one, so it's not like it's ever a pleasant experience, but it's the closest thing that Jay has to rest, and he's under strict orders to do so. When he doesn't sleep, or, more specifically, when people find out that he hasn't slept, he's usually ushered back to bed with a few words of warning that are equally exasperated and concerned, and that's no fun for anyone.

Which is why the lack of sleep is simply infuriating. Jay will lay for hours in the dark and yet be unable to keep his eyes closed for more than a few minutes before they drag themselves back open, heavy, bleary, and stubborn. Then the sun rises, peeking out of her curtain of mist and solemn gray clouds, and Jay begrudgingly rises with her.

Today, Jay did manage to get some sleep, either for just a passing moment or for an hour, before he woke himself up due to his blanket suddenly feeling like it was suffocating him. Like it was pinning him down, holding him in place and —

No thanks.

It's… not a feeling he wants to revisit.

So up he goes once again, taking careful steps out to the hall. He dwells for a moment in the kitchen before deciding against breakfast and downs a glass of water instead. Just something to rinse out the bile before he heads to the deck to train. Light training, though. Nothing too serious. He's not allowed, apparently.

Nya had told him to not do any training yet, and after the The Summary given to the rest of the team, they all agreed with Nya's conclusion — She even got Wu on her side — despite them not knowing half her argument.

All they know is that Jay was captured for a while. And that could mean anything between a few days, hours, or weeks. Maybe he was just captured and held in a dark room for a bit. Maybe he got beat up once. Maybe tortured. It's their story to create, and that story is none of Jay's business.

(All that matters is that they'll never know the truth. Not really. They'll never understand the full scope of what happened. The reality that's raw and ugly and slathered in so much blood that even just a whiff of it is revolting. They won't know how bad it was, how Jay's limbs were beaten and battered and twisted all the way around at some point or another, and how he was more bruises and bandages than anything else by the end.

No one will ever understand, and that's for the better, even if it's caused Jay more sleepless nights than not.)

But Nya's not up yet. That's what actually matters now, here at this moment, because there's no one to constrict Jay further and tell him about yet another thing that he can't do. Besides, Nya knows the feeling well enough, so he doubts that she'll hold it against him if she finds out that he bent the rules a little. He just needs to stretch his legs while he has the strength. He has to, or else he'll go completely bonkers, or whatever.

But as Jay steps out to the deck, he finds that one of the courses is up and whirring to life with movement and soft grunts and harsh blows. A flash of green light shines through the crisp early morning air — though out here, it's even more obvious that it doesn't really count as morning yet, all dark blues and purples instead of any light or warmth — and Jay finds that Lloyd's the one occupying it.

Idling, Jay watches as Lloyd runs through the course, though Lloyd does it with an almost vague disinterest. He takes long pauses and breaks between his combos, using that spare time to gaze off at the darkened sky and let his brain be carried off by the few rolling clouds. Then he comes back to himself, startled. Lloyd rubs his eyes quickly, lets out a stuttered breath — one that jolts through his entire body, like an old battered machine rattling awake — and begins the whole thing again.

Lloyd stills when he finally spots Jay, clearly caught off guard and genuinely surprised before he turns and kicks weakly at his training dummy, feigning neutrality.

Everyone's been acting weird towards Jay and Nya since they got back — or, to them, randomly changed one morning on a roof and haven't been the same since — and Jay supposes that Lloyd's not really an exception, even if he's been more quiet about it.

He's more been just… lingering on the edge. Despite being their leader, Lloyd's always been just a little out of the loop. The amount of you'll find out when you're older's and you're too important's that became common phrases had pushed Lloyd out of the inner circle where he could learn certain specifics, either because he was just too young to hear some of it or because he wasn't close enough with the others way back when to be told particular details.

But now he's older-ish and he's still just… off to the side, not sure what he can and can't ask about and waiting for someone to give him the all clear. Either an obvious signal that he can push for more information or a talk where they sit him down and go yes, you've officially reached The Age where you're one of us now, so here's all of our secrets that you didn't get to know before.

…Jay has a feeling that Lloyd will be waiting a long, long time for that.

Probably because Jay can't imagine anyone ever wanting to sit him down and have that kind of talk, and can't imagine Lloyd ever giving up on the idea of it.

That's probably why Lloyd is training now. It's the one consistent thing that the others taught him to rely on, the thing that they told him was productive and important, and didn't consider that he'd grow up not knowing how to do anything else.

Jay can still remember that genuine dumbfounded look Lloyd had when Cole had, politely, suggested that he took some time off, and Lloyd's quiet shouldn't I be doing something more important instead of doing something so childish? that silenced the whole room.

They told Lloyd to never waste a second when he was younger, and now it's probably four in the morning and Lloyd's using his clear insomnia as an invitation to fit more training into his schedule.

But it's not like Jay can say much about it. Nor can anyone else, really. It's just another one of those things that they all know and can't ever say out loud. Those things trapped in worried gazes and quick open and shut mouths, never escaping as even a whisper.

So Jay just pulls his own training dummy up from its container hidden in the floorboards, ignores the phantom pain that's already flaring in his chest, and pretends like he can't feel Lloyd's eyes boring into him while he acts like he doesn't notice. Once the dummy is locked into place, Jay finally glances over to Lloyd and watches him startle at the motion before he quickly tries to get back to work on his own training.

Jay stretches first, since that's one of the few things that Nya has actually encouraged to some degree. Jay rolls out the mattress from his back, loosens his leg, and carefully turn his ankles — his right one, specifically, in hopes that it'll finally stop feeling heavier than it actually is.

With Jay's element being noticeably weaker than it used to be, which Jay's not sure if that has something to do with the vengestone or if he just hates himself so much that he needs to re-unlock his true potential — his balance has been significantly worse. He feels unsteady constantly, like he's always got one foot off the ledge and a small breeze is enough to push him off.

He tries to start with some roundhouse kicks, going as slow as his patience allows, but he finds himself stumbling more often than not. His leg never really extends as far as it should and his other leg keeps twisting the wrong way, causing him to be stuck in an awkward rotation without the force or the carry-through motion he needs for a successful kick.

It's easier when he's desperate, he thinks, though when he was desperate it was hard to kick at all. When he was —

When —

Jay decides to go fast and strong, something that he hasn't been able to be for a very long time. He has more success that way, or he at least has… something. Once, twice — a dozen or so kicks, some being more successful than others. It feels nice, to be able to do something. To actually watch the dummy swing back, to watch that Jay's actually capable of fighting back. Even the burn, the ache in his legs, the way his head swims each time that he loses his footing… he knows that's the price of making sure that he stays capable.

…As long as Lloyd doesn't tell Nya that he's straining himself.

Jay risks a glance over, only to find that Lloyd's… not there anymore. His training equipment is still set up, but… Hm. He must be taking a break, or something.

He doesn't really care. Jay resumes his fighting, letting himself slowly become more and more out of breath, letting his body continue twisting and feeling the motions spread all throughout him, one collective fucked up movement, and it's messy, and the longer Jay goes the more he knows that he's not working with the correct motions. His leg twists the wrong way and flares with pain, but that's fine, because at least Jay's hands aren't bruised so he just starts punching, hitting, using his knees and his elbows and fuck it, he doesn't even care about the pain in the leg because pain is still something and he needs something, something —

"Jay?"

Jay stops, letting one last thud linger in the air as he hits his dummy one last time. He swallows, eyes a bit wide, as he lets his body settle. His legs are shaky, his chest feels heavy, and trying to settle back into stillness makes him ache all over. He turns to Lloyd.

Lloyd stares at him, just having come from the hall leading towards the rest of the ship, meaning he must've slipped past Jay at some point, taking his break in there and then coming back out. But Jay's eyes slip past Lloyd's expression and land at his outwardly stretched hand, holding a mug. He has another in his other hand, but he keeps that one close to his chest. It's Jay's mug that he's offering to him.

"Um." Lloyd says, a bit awkward, looking down at his hands. "I — uh, made some hot chocolate. I made you a cup too, in case you want it. Would you want to — um, drink some with me?" He asks, his voice just on the edge of turning into something more diplomatic, but it's caught with nervousness and some embarrassment. Lloyd shifts a little in his spot, uncomfortable with staying still, with leaving the offer up in the air for too long — but he still eyes Jay with… hope.

(Jay remembers when Lloyd got older and everything was training and preparation and quick mornings getting ready, a chaotic shuffle that usually resulted in at least one of them being late. It was another one of those mornings with all six gathered in the kitchen, busy with their own routines and typical stumbling until — yuck! how do you guys drink this stuff? Lloyd had said, and all heads turned to him. Suddenly there was wrestling to get the mug out of Lloyd's hands and a quick no way, green bean, not until you're older, and a huffed I am older! They were all late that morning and had to do laundry a day early to try and get the coffee stains out of their gi's. Jay pat Lloyd reassuringly on the back, said that he'd teach Lloyd how to make a proper cappuccino one day… but only when Jay decided he was old enough. Until then, Lloyd would have to stick to hot chocolate.

Jay still hasn't gotten around to it, and Lloyd hasn't ever asked.)

Still heaving breaths, still shaking, Jay considers the fact that Lloyd didn't even ask if Jay wanted any hot chocolate, instead making it first before extending the offer. He knew, probably, that Jay would decline if he asked, but now that it's already made… Lloyd's all too aware that Jay can't refuse. A sigh slips past Jay's lips before he nods. "Sure." He says. "I could use a break."

Lloyd's shoulders slump in relief, but not entirely. Jay can tell that he's still nervous, but he takes a few steps towards the table on the deck, and Jay follows.

The sky is a bit brighter now, the dark blues giving away to some pastel violets and pinks, and a touch of yellow far off into the distance. Jay takes his seat, and then so does Lloyd.

The hot chocolate is almost overfilled with flavor and certainly has a very strong punch of sweetener — just how Jay knows Lloyd likes it. There's a bit of cinnamon mixed in as well, and Jay hums a little in appreciation. Lloyd's not quite on Zane's level, not yet, but he's certainly been taking Zane's little bits of feedback to heart, and seems to be getting better with each cup he prepares. Jay's not entirely sure if Lloyd knows that Zane changes his recipe for each person, though. Zane would never make Jay a cup like this as he prefers to make each cup uniquely them and tries to abide by each of their independent preferences. Still, this cup does feel very Lloyd, which is a small comfort on it's own. Maybe Jay's fine with taking a break from things that overwhelmingly remind him of himself.

Lloyd seems to be satisfied with his own mug, taking sips while staring off at the sky. He sneaks glances in Jay's direction, trying and failing to be subtle about it.

With a small breath and a resolute sip, Jay sets his mug down on the table. "Something on your mind?" Jay asks, his voice low and bordering on the edge of serious, but he keeps a lighthearted smile on his face.

Lloyd's mug is set down gently, and he taps his fingers a bit anxiously on the table. "I—no, no, not really, just… um," He stammers and then pauses, trying to gather himself. "it's a bit early, you know. I couldn't, um, get myself to keep laying in bed. Felt a bit restless, you know? It's hard to sleep some nights. I guess I was just, um, wondering if there was a reason why you couldn't sleep too."

Jay blinks, once, twice, and then all at once feels the urge to cry, because that's — that's Jay's line, damn it, and First Master, Jay should've caught on earlier.

This used to be what Jay would do when Lloyd's feet would get caught on all the wrong floorboards, creaking as he'd try to sneak off into the night. Jay would be up late, working on some project or another, and then make two mugs of hot chocolate. He'd pull Lloyd aside, sometimes acting as though he was so tired that he slipped up and just so happened to make two mugs, one of which filled to the brim with whipped cream. Lloyd only fell for that once, but afterwards he seemingly appreciated Jay's playful discretion, and his eyes would always light up at the mention of whipped cream. Jay would always lean into the fridge with a lopsided smile and fond eyes, share a silly worry that was just true enough for Lloyd to get comfortable, and then — it's getting a bit late, though. I'm curious, is there a reason why you can't sleep either?

It's always been hard to watch Lloyd grow up. Watching him be a little reflection of his childhood, a little bit of everyone, of all the pieces and parts that the others raised him with. Seeing those parts of himself in Lloyd always make his heart sting, just a little, each and every time.

"…Yeah, well," Jay tries, voice breaking, but he quickly clears his throat and tries again. "Yeah. Just bad dreams, didn't wanna sit still, that kind of thing." He says, then smiles softly. "Being out here is nice, though. And this is some pretty good stuff. You're getting a lot better at making these." Jay says, raising his mug and takes another sip.

Lloyd hums in appreciation, and he opens his mouth to respond — before closing it, seemingly thinking better of his original comment. "Thank you." He says instead, all proper and polite, like he was always taught to be whenever there were adults and cameras and fans, and it hurts seeing those parts of his childhood reflected in Lloyd, too.

The silence doesn't last for very long though, as Lloyd's eyes quickly become nervous again. He keeps trying to sneak glances, never quite looking at the sky for long enough or taking enough sips of his hot chocolate to be invested in either.

"I'm worried about you." Lloyd whispers, quietly. "I just — I know that it can be hard. Well, a lot of things are hard, but, um…" He pauses and sets his mug down properly, moving his hands to his lap, as though they're too dangerous to keep loose. Lloyd swallows hard, and when he talks again, his voice is small and questioning. "Nya said you were captured for a while?"

Everything in Jay stills, stomach dropping several feet and all of his muscles and each damn molecule in his body freezing all at once.

He doesn't know how to have this conversation. Not with anyone.

Not with Lloyd.

Lloyd's breath hitches, still nervous. "You don't have to answer. Or talk about it, like, at all. But, um, I know that they hurt you." Lloyd says, watching with careful wide eyes, and he pauses, so clearly trying to figure out the next course of action, and — "I've been hurt too. By… Morro. By the Serpentine. Made me do things for them, things that got me hurt, then… wouldn't help me afterwards. Or they'd hurt me on purpose." Lloyd whispers, a broken confession, and it's something that Jay already knows — having been the one to distract Lloyd with all new updates and fun adventures that they went on when he was missing, trying to make him think about anything else while Zane wiped old dried blood and dirt from his small hands, already ridden with callouses and scars. "I—I don't know what happened to you. Obviously. But… I think — I think I get it. A bit. I don't know. Just… if you need someone to understand, then I think I might."

The silence is suffocating. Jay feels like he might throw up.

"I'm worried about you." Lloyd repeats, and he's looking and acting like he's trying to be the more older and more responsible one now, but Jay can only see his little brother still trying to fit into a gi far too big for him.

Jay doesn't have a choice. He does the only thing that he can do. "Oh, Lloyd…" Jay says, voice dripping with care and fondness and anything that's focused on Lloyd, just Lloyd, because the further back Jay can push any memory of what happened and just be present for him, the better. "I'm so sorry."

Lloyd shakes his head. "No, this—this isn't… I just… I get it. If it's hard. I just want to make sure that you're okay, you know?"

"I know." Jay says, and then he stands up. "C'mere."

Lloyd quickly takes the offer and lets Jay wrap his arms around him, lets himself lean into the touch. Jay's been so distant as of late — any arms and hands and fingers feel far too intrusive, each small touch and nice gesture feels like dozens of nails and knifes being driven into his skin. But now, now, it's Jay's arms that are wrapped around Lloyd in a tight hold. It's him that gets to be in control of the touch. Ever since the tea, Lloyd and Jay have been stuck at a similar height, but Lloyd's still always going to be his little brother, and Jay drinks in the feeling of being big.

Maybe it's not fair to Lloyd, but maybe right now that doesn't matter.

"I just want to make sure that you're okay." Lloyd echoes again. "In whatever way I can. However you'll let me."

As Lloyd loses his composure, Jay wants nothing more than to keep his. "I know. I know, buddy, I know."

"I want you to talk to us." Lloyd continues. "I don't want to make this about me, I just—it must be so hard for you, and I want to let you know that it'll be okay. You're with us now, and it's okay."

First Master, Lloyd's trying really hard to break him. Thankfully, if Jay's learned anything from what happened to him, he's quite resilient, and he has lots of practice when it comes to not being broken. "It's hard for everyone," Jay says, "and I'm sure it's hard for you after everything you've been through. I'm sorry I've been so distant. I just need some time."

Lloyd nods, buried still in Jay's shirt, maybe subconsciously shrinking himself down so he fits better. "I just—I know what it might be like. And I know that it takes time, but I don't want you to feel like you're alone in this. You're not alone. Okay?"

"I know." Jay whispers. "I'll come to you guys when I'm ready, yeah?"

His own words sound hollow in his chest, and for just a single moment, Jay wishes that his lies felt a little less natural. He doesn't, however, wish that Lloyd was any less gullible, and oh does Jay hate himself for it.

He decides, then and there, to never let Lloyd know how weak his older brother really is.

This time when they're separating to look for Wu, it doesn't feel catastrophic. Lloyd is still close with the team, and they'll continue being close despite how many miles they are apart. Lloyd doesn't think he could untangle himself from the other ninja even if he wanted to.

Because Kai is always who he goes to when he's scared, because he knows that Kai will fight tooth and nail to keep Lloyd safe if he was ever in danger. Kai's presence was one of the only remedies to sleepless nights after Morro.

And Zane and Cole always create a space for Lloyd to feel safe in, because he can always trust their judgment. They'll always lend an ear, and whether with a nice walk out in nature or an afternoon in the kitchen, Lloyd feels like they'll give him a chance to be present, grounded, and feel alright enough to rest.

Then Nya is who Lloyd spends time with whenever he needs someone to level with him, to talk him through the issues or problems he's having and actually give him a solution. Talking with Nya always results in him having a clearer head, especially knowing that she's always going to be honest with him whether he likes it or not.

And Jay —

Lloyd goes to Jay for… a laugh, mostly. They spend a lot of good days together playing videogames with the team on the couch. Lloyd can always rely on Jay making his days a little bit brighter, even if Lloyd doesn't go to him on his dark ones.

And it's okay, even if Lloyd talks to Jay last when he has a problem. Even if, as Lloyd grows up, he starts replacing hot chocolate with tea and has less time for Fritz Donnegan and that childlike perspective that Jay always liked sharing.

It's okay, even if when Lloyd thinks about what used to be, he thinks that his and Jay's understanding got lost somewhere in the midst of a hundred sleepless nights and a million nightmares that only the others could help soothe.

Lloyd didn't outgrow Jay by any means. There just became less and less time for him growing up, because Jay made things lighter and happier and more fun, and Lloyd had to start carrying heavier things and keep a clear head and be more serious. Sure, there are times that Lloyd wishes things are how they used to be, before they became more distant. When Lloyd was a kid and he could tell Jay anything because somehow Jay would just get it and make things not so scary anymore. But that relationship doesn't exist anymore, it can't, because Lloyd's older, and there have been too many things unsaid for them to start opening up now.

They still talk. Jay still makes Lloyd laugh and they still throw popcorn at each other on movie nights. Jay still makes jokes on missions and Lloyd still rolls his eyes at them. Jay and Lloyd both still insist on Zane adding extra chocolate chips to the batter.

…But that's about it.

Through slightly dizzy vision, Lloyd watches as Jay runs towards them. Lloyd's still disoriented from being in a video-game and then abruptly not. Nya runs towards Jay from Lloyd's side, and Jay scoops her up in his arms and spins her around. They kiss, Jay lets out a frenzied laugh of relief, and turns back towards the others.

"I'm so glad you're okay," Jay's saying, shaking a little as he quickly walks towards them. He looks at Lloyd, tears shining clear in his eyes, and places a hand on Lloyd's cheek, cradling it kindly for a second before pulling him into a rough hug.

Lloyd accepts it, naturally, more than a little dazed, and tries his best to not stumble when Jay pulls back. Jay grins, still with glassy eyes, and cradles Lloyd's face briefly again. The affection is almost overwhelming before Jay pulls back and looks at the others, expression drenched in fondness.

"Master Wu, Zane, Pix!" Cole greets, smiling, and they exchange brief warm looks before Kai pushes his way to the front.

"What happened?" He asks, quickly. "Did we get the Keytana? Did we win?"

Jay smiles, and it's here, in just this fraction of a second before Jay answers, that something about him breaks. Not literally, not really, but Lloyd suddenly sees him as someone else entirely. Maybe it's just an expression on him that Lloyd's never seen before, something so riddled in relief and desperation that it feels like a different person. Someone much more… human.

Not that Lloyd ever thought that Jay wasn't human, but he's always thought of him as Jay first. Right now, he looks just like a person. Someone with their own fears, regrets, and family. He sees Jay smiling with such relief like he didn't know that they were all going to make it out okay, like he was lost and scared like how Lloyd would've been in that scenario because Jay's just… another person. He's not just Jay, part of the team, not just Jay, Lloyd's older brother, he's… Jay. It's just a name for a person that Lloyd happens to know.

Jay tightens his grip on Nya's hand and lets her brush away some tears from his eyes before planting a kiss on her cheek.

Lloyd doesn't see him as just his brother. He just sees him, and he… he doesn't know what to do with that.

He avoids Jay's gaze for the rest of the walk back home.

It doesn't last for as long as he would like. That night, Jay pulls Lloyd aside, serious, and, in the kindest way possible, asks if Lloyd wants to talk about her.

There are a million things here that Lloyd can't say. He can't say that Harumi wasn't like the rest and his nightmares about her aren't as cut and dry as they should be. He's not scared of her like he was Chen, or Morro, or even like his father. No, nothing like that, he just…

He misses her. He misses her so much that it hurts.

She wasn't any embodiment of darkness. She wasn't a villain, she wasn't part of any divine destiny or prophecy. She was just human — all the human parts that Lloyd desperately tries to cling to — and he still fucked it up. He still ruined it.

Jay looks at him, at his hesitance, and Lloyd can't tell him that he smells phantom blood on his hands from when he dug through debris and broken bricks until the pain was unbearable, that he pushed through because in his desperation he thought that his blood was hers. He can't say that he doesn't daydream about a life where the two of them survive and they get to do all the things that Jay and Nya do or that he's seen in sappy comics. And he can't, under any circumstances, say that if he could've been buried under the rubble with her, then he would've. He can't, because Jay doesn't understand. He can't.

"She's hard to talk about." Lloyd says instead, and Jay nods.

"A lot of things are." Jay agrees, but then he hesitates. Swallows. "But that doesn't mean that they can be ignored forever."

Lloyd hums in acknowledgement. "I guess." He says, uncertain, not sure how to continue. Jay looks at him expectantly, like he's waiting for him to do something. Lloyd genuinely isn't sure what that is. He tries for a best guess. "I mean… maybe I could talk to Nya about it."

…The look that Jay gives him is indescribable. It lingers on his face, some expression of… something. "I think that would be good." He says, and then they aren't talking anymore.

This was the first serious conversations they've had in a long while.

It's also one of the last.

A lot of things happen when they see Jay again. Lloyd recognizes him, because of course he does. Lloyd's been on the lookout for him since the second they arrived at this tournament — elemental masters are here, it'd be dumb to rule out the possibility of Jay being here as well. He didn't have high hopes, because if Jay were here then why would they not have crossed paths yet, shouldn't Jay be looking for them, too? But Lloyd was still looking.

The first faint thoughts Lloyd has after the initial recognition are that oh, he grew his hair out and wow, he looks older. After that, there's only confusion and dread.

Because Jay's here. Here. Right in front of them. It should be relieving, but it's not, because he's there but he's not with them. He's with Ras, and Jay should know better, and why doesn't Jay know better?

Nya's breathing quickens. Zane goes notably still. Cole takes a confused step backwards.

A lot of things happen when Lloyd sees Jay again, because it's Jay, but it's not. Jay holds himself a little bit differently and his voice is lower and angrier and Ras is grinning and Lloyd's only able to process things in flashes before Jay's words finally —

I've never seen you before in my life, Jay said.

Funny.

Lloyd was thinking the same thing.

He pushes it down. He does what he's best at and he leads. That doesn't mean that he isn't still reeling by the time that Jay pulls out the mask.

A lot of things happen that tournament. A lot of things keep happening after. When it comes to Jay, though… Lloyd decides to put that mess of what he saw away. He lets Nya handle it and spends more time daydreaming about what Jay used to be like. It's a familiar ache.

Jay raises a brow, huffs a little, and relents to the layer of understanding the settles overtop the two of them. Lloyd doesn't know what it's like for Jay — that understanding — but for Lloyd, it feels like the layer of dust on Jay's old shelves. The clothes in his drawers that Lloyd hasn't touched and the mug at the back of the cupboard that Lloyd will never use.

I kept it for you. Lloyd thinks. I kept all of my understanding for you exactly how it was and how it used to be. I didn't touch a single thing. I left it to time despite how much it hurt to leave it. I left it alone for you to have when you finally came home. I've been waiting for this for years. I've been waiting for this years before you even left.

Jay's glare is still there, painfully present and drenched in distrust. He seems to be fighting with himself the longer he stays within Lloyd's proximity, like he's a magnet pointed the wrong way and it's painful to be close to the Ninja for long periods of time. Against his very nature.

But eventually, a small grin creeps up his face, still unnatural, but Lloyd chooses to overlay it with Jay's playful smile, the one right before he lets out that laugh that Lloyd likes. The laugh that Lloyd got from him and the one that he hears echoing down the hall from the game room when Jay's being irresponsible. The one that always makes Lloyd creep out and join him, the one that has them both doubled over until their ribs hurt and they're crying from a stupid joke and they get scolded for being too loud.

Lloyd hasn't heard that laugh in a long, long, time. He wonders, briefly, if he ever will again.

But then Jay stands, and he squints at the lightening sky. "Well." Jay says, raising a brow. "Do you guys have any coffee in this monastery, or are you against that or something? Seems like we could both use a cup."

Lloyd blinks at him.

His mouth is dry.

"Yeah." He says, forcing himself to speak. "Yeah. Do you want a cappuccino, or something?" He offers, because he knows that's what Jay drinks, though he's never actually learned how to make one. It's not like he really ever needed to learn, since Lloyd's been trying to cut down on the sugar these days. Wu drank mostly tea for a reason.

Lloyd fights back the thought to ask Jay if he could show him how. Maybe the old Jay would say yes. He doubts this one will.

But Jay just shakes his head. "Nah." He shrugs. "I usually take mine black."

Lloyd doesn't pull out Jay's mug in the back of the cupboard and it continues gathering dust. Lloyd's scared that if he tries to grab it, it'll shake so much in his hands that it'll slip from his fingers and yet another piece of Jay will shatter against the hard floor.

Or maybe Lloyd just doesn't want to see it in Jay's hands. Jay, who's hands are probably cold because he's dead and gone and is never coming back.

Lloyd is panting, and he feels every breath.

In — he feels it rush through his lungs, inflating, feels the oxygen rush through his body and into his blood. His blood is moving. All throughout his body. Buzzing frantic movement that Lloyd can't escape. It's in his chest, in his fingers, bleeding violent and living all at once and —-

Out. He feels the air rush out of him, a sudden push to the outside air where it dissipates and mixes into the world around him, swirling infinitely into the atmosphere and bouncing between all the walls of the tiny room that he's hin. This tiny home of his. This tiny world, this tiny planet, where everyone else is breathing and living just the same. He hears it, the buzzing, the frenzied movement of each and every life taking steps and having their muscles move and eyes shift and fingers twitch and scratch into their own flesh and —

Breathe. Lloyd tries to think over the noise. Breathe.

I'm trying, his voice breaks in reply, and Lloyd inhales again, quick. In and out, fast, going faster, sudden because he needs air and there's too much of it and not enough —

Suddenly he stumbles into a wall, his shoulder knocking against wood and igniting with dull pain. Lloyd almost screams.

He doesn't, though — there's not enough air in his lungs for that.

He's been like this for what feels like forever, and he can't — he can't sleep like this. He can't rest. He can't do anything. He's been pacing back and forth, trying to get some of this energy out, but how could he? His body is producing energy constantly, using it constantly, stuck in the push and pull and fight for life and —

Lloyd is suddenly fiddling with his door and leaving out into the hall of the Monastery. His feet ache when they press against the wood, when they flatten with the weight of his step and then stretch to accommodate the next one. His arms wrap tighter around himself, and he feels his shoulders rotate to fit into the shape.

His head is pounding, and he doesn't even know where he's going — maybe, maybe to get some fresh air, but no because then he'll just hear more of it. He'll feel the wind and the trees and each leaf caught. He can already hear them. He doesn't need it any louder.

There's more breathing. Breathing that isn't his. There's the slow breath of people sleeping, Lloyd knows. Nya in her room, Cole in his, Arin, Sora, Kai — He needs to calm down — but there's another in the kitchen.

Lloyd takes a sharp turn to greet it. He stumbles through the hall, using his arms to support himself against the wood — wood, dying and dead and — suddenly, Lloyd's eyes widen when he turns the second corner.

Energy, bright searing, a crash of recognition like lightning scorching the ground.

Its eyes widen as they make contact with him too.

Then the lightning is speaking, his throat moving, which is a process that makes Lloyd dizzy when he involuntarily tries to wrap his brain around it. His eyes are shifting, brows furrowing, elbow bending. So many little things happening all at once and Lloyd's — yeah, definitely lightheaded now. Acknowledging that makes him feel even more nauseous, because it's funny how these things work together, bodies all knitted together and uniting to give him the signal that this is all really fucked up —

"Okay, okay," comes through the ringing, "You with me? Yeah, stupid question, okay —" busy, fluttering in all directions, slipping forever into something else always, "Careful, I'm just gonna —" Everything ignites, life against life, touch against touch, nerves blaring red under his skin and —

Cold. Lloyd's hand is cold.

…And wet.

Lloyd blinks, rapidly, and sees that Jay has pulled his hand under the kitchen faucet and it blasting it with cold water.

Hm.

Jay's grip around Lloyd's wrist loosens, and he lets go, pulling back. "…Okay." He begins, hesitantly, then narrows his eyes. Lloyd turns to meet them, trying to catch his breath and trying to figure out how it got so far away from him. "…I uh, don't know if this is an improvement."

"Jay?" Lloyd asks.

Jay's eyes widen, and then he grins. "Definitely an improvement. Hey, kid."

Lloyd looks down at his hand, and, hesitantly, uses his other one to turn off the faucet. Lloyd laughs nervously, drying his hands on the towel below the sink. "Sorry." He says immediately. "Got tuned in and I couldn't — couldn't tune back out. Thanks."

Jay opens his mouth, closes it, and then frowns. "Good thing I was out here, then."

"Yeah." Lloyd agrees. "Good thing. Sorry. And thank you again, um, Jay."

Silence settles over the kitchen, a tenseness in the air as Jay leans against the kitchen counter and silently raises a brow, obviously not planning on going anywhere anytime soon. The kitchen light is dim, but Lloyd can still see Jay's face all too clear, wound up in something that he doesn't know how to say out loud. Something that's bordering on being too serious for them.

Jay looks… weird.

Weird as in I saw you last week and I also haven't seen you in several years weird. Weird as in you hated me last I saw you and now you're making sure I'm okay. Weird in the way that Lloyd's asking, over and over again in his head, are you back? Can we try again? Can we?

He looks tired. From what Lloyd heard from Nya and, briefly, Jay himself, he's getting his memories back in flashes. Some are still gone, some were there for a second and then lost in another, and some are still surely on their way. This means that Lloyd can't really tell what Jay knows at any given moment — there's still a chance that Lloyd will mention something and Jay won't remember it at all, just like how he couldn't remember it two weeks ago, and it will be like nothing changed.

Lloyd is, truthfully, scared to find out. If he mentions something and Jay gives him that blank empty stare again, riddled with the absence of recognition, Lloyd's not sure he could handle it. He wants Jay back. He wants his brother back — and he doesn't want to be disappointed again.

But then again… Lloyd's also gotten used to having a stranger living in the Monastery. A stranger living in Jay. He's gotten used to that unfamiliar indifference, the one-sided history and the cold shoulders. Seeing Jay now… it doesn't feel right. He doesn't fit right. If Lloyd talks to Jay then he'll either lose all hope that his brother is coming back, or he's going to find out that he is back, and Lloyd's the one who can't recognize him anymore.

Lloyd looks away, bites his lip, and shuffles awkwardly. He's not sure if he should just head back to his room or not. Jay sure isn't.

Readying himself, Lloyd works up the courage to speak. "What are you doing up?"

Jay's expression doesn't really change, like Lloyd asking isn't any kind of shock. He hums in acknowledgement, shifts against the counter. "Couldn't sleep. Just thinking." He looks over Lloyd, who's patiently waiting for him to continue, and he takes a deep breath. "It's all just really weird." He begins, "It's like I've been gone for years. Like I mean, I've been around, but I've also been gone. Just trying to wrap my head around it." He explains, shrugging. "Then I have memories that should lead into memories but just, don't. They'll come back to me, I—I know they will, but it just means that I have to wait for them a little bit longer." He sighs, then turns to Lloyd. "How's your… lifeness stuff doing? That's what that just was, right?"

"Oh. Um." Lloyd swallows. "It's weird too. Loud. Like I can feel the heartbeat of every living thing. And you'd think that'd be cool and all, but every cell is alive, you know? And everything has motion, and when I focus on it I can't really just stop at one thing, and then it just goes and goes until I'm trying to hold a complete understanding of the entire world in my mind and —" Lloyd cuts himself off suddenly, blinking back to full awareness to see Jay looking half-ready to pull Lloyd's hand under the sink again — or maybe even dunk his entire head under the faucet. Lloyd tries to steady himself, and laughs it off.

Then he pauses, blinks, and tries to fix his mistake. "Not that I regret it or anything, though!" Lloyd corrects, "I mean, I'd do it again and it's like, my destiny or whatever. It's pre—pretty helpful, you know? I've just gotta adjust."

Jay lets Lloyd's words settle over them, making them have more weight than Lloyd intended. "You know…" Jay says, slowly, "It's okay if you do."

"If I do… what?"

"Regret it. It's okay if you do. It's normal."

Lloyd opens his mouth, letting out some vague string of protesting noises before words are able to form. "I—I don't regret it, it saved everyone!" He says, "I accepted my responsibility to take care of the realms, it — it saved me, I can't regret it!"

"Did you want to? Accept that responsibility?"

Lloyd narrows his eyes. "I had to."

Jay hums, looking away. It looks like he's going to say something, but he doesn't. "Alright." He says instead, quiet and simple. "But in some… crazy timeline where you did have some regrets, that would be okay. I have them too."

Lloyd wants to defend it again. He wants to explain that making these sorts of choices and sacrifices — which he shouldn't be calling this, actually, because it's a gain, not a loss, not a sacrifice — all of it just comes with the job of being the Green Ninja. It's his purpose. He doesn't… He doesn't have room to regret it. He can't. Because if he wished that it wasn't him then it would fall on someone else's shoulders and that goes against everything that Lloyd stands for. He does this so that no one else has to, for better or for worse.

He's still trying to figure out a response when he realizes that Jay's no longer looking at him, but is clearly lost in his own thought.

I have them too.

Of course. Jay's not — of course Jay's not actually implying that Lloyd saving the world could be a choice that Lloyd would regret. Jay's probably just thinking about one of his own regrets and projecting. Makes sense, but then that raises the question of what Jay's —

Oh.

"Do…" Lloyd tries, needing a second to figure out a way to get the words out, "Do you regret getting your memories back?"

Jay's eyes shoot over to Lloyd's for a second, before immediately looking away. Just a quick glance, but it tells Lloyd more than enough. Jay's expression passes through several different ones in just a few seconds, rolling through them like he can't find a solid place to land. He ends up settling on a resigned half-laugh. "I more regret ever losing them in the first place." He says. "I've gotta adjust to it too, I guess. Having them back after… not. Being back in general. Just w—wish that it never happened." Jay stutters over the word, and he almost seems surprised by his own stumble. It must really trip him up, as Jay's face and expression goes noticeably still and blank, weird in a way where Lloyd's not sure if he remembers something or if he pointedly doesn't.

Lloyd swallows. "Is it… weird to be Jay? Like—Like our Jay? Do you have two different you's in there?" He asks, curious, then backtracks. "Uh, only if you're comfortable with sharing, of course."

Jay shrugs. "Yeah, I mean, yeah I'm fine to share. Uh, not really? The me without my memories, he's — I know him. I know what he was like, I have his memories, his entire life, but I'm not him. He's gone. It's like I —" Jay stops, carefully considering his words, and glances over at Lloyd. Jay looks him up and down, like he's trying to figure something out about him. Lloyd's not sure if he grows or shrinks under his gaze. "…It feels like I overtook him somehow." Jay admits, though the words are a little stilted. "It's what he wanted, I mean, he knew what getting my memories back would do, but I still feel responsible for it. He was a completely different person and I'm the reason why he stopped experiencing things. I ended his life, in a way." Jay explains, before shaking his head. He shrugs like it doesn't matter. "I am glad I'm back though," He muses, "I'd hate to miss out on the chaos over the new realms."

Lloyd laughs quietly. "Oh, there's been a lot of chaos." He agrees, then falls silent. He's not really sure if Jay wants him to reply to his confession. It's never… really been what they do, honestly. Sure, they'll tell each other things sometimes — but rarely anything so serious. Serious conversations are saved for others. For Jay, those conversations are saved for Nya. For Lloyd, they're saved for… well, anyone else, he supposes.

…But things are different now. They're different. And even though it's scary, they might need a fresh start, and Lloyd offering some of the reserved trust he's had bottled up all these years might be the first step.

"I know what you mean, though. Feeling… responsible for…" Lloyd clears his throat. "I met a manifestation of myself? A, uh, a version of myself who… had something a little different happen to him. Or, um, had something not happen to him, I guess. The… The Tomorrow's Tea." Lloyd explains and looks to Jay, who's clearly listening, but… no recognition sparks in his eyes. "Do you… remember that? The tea?" Lloyd asks slowly, drawling out his words as if it'll help, even though he already knows the answer. He knows that face.

Jay visibly swallows. "No. Not right now." He says, quietly. It hurts just as much as Lloyd thought it would, like a heavy weight just sunk down into his stomach — some kind of black hole, pulling at his insides and tugging them and swallowing them up into nothing. "But I'm sure I will. It's okay. Go on."

Lloyd nods, and ignores the small little twinge of tears behind his eyes. They don't matter and he doesn't give in. He just takes a deep breath and makes himself continue. "A—Anyway, all that matters is that if I made a different choice when I was younger then I'd be a really different person. Everything would've changed, actually, and maybe… maybe we'd all be better off for it. I thought I was being selfless then, but I'm not so sure anymore. And that other version — he never got to exist because of me. I feel…" He makes a vague gesture with his hands, as if he's trying to find a word for it, even though one is already fresh in his mind. Envious. "Responsible," He decides on, "for not letting him have the chance to live like he could've. For taking his place."

"…Yeah." Jay says. "That sounds… definitely like something that'd keep you up at night." Jay smiles a little sadly at that, offering Lloyd a look of sympathy. "But, for the record, even if things could've been different, it's good to remember that things happened as they did and you can't really change it. I, for one, am glad that you're you, even if it would've been better or something if you weren't. I'm glad that I can be here with you now. I wouldn't change it."

Lloyd wishes that he could. He wishes that he had the choice to change it and that he'd be brave enough to do it. To let that other him take his place, and to let himself fade away into nothing.

"I'm glad you're here too." Lloyd says instead. "I'm glad to have you back. Or, uh, mostly back. You said that he knew what would happen, right? You've gotta… honor that. Live because he wanted you to."

Jay smiles, huffs a little, and the look he gives Lloyd is drenched in so much fondness that it's almost startling. "Thanks, Lloyd." He says, then sighs. "Ugh, you're all grown up now."

Lloyd tries to smile back and he hopes that it doesn't look as strained as it feels. "Sure am. That's what happens when time passes. Did you know that?"

Jay groans. "Oh, this is the first I'm hearing about it! Why did no one bother giving me a heads up?"

Lloyd scoffs, and they fall into a familiar silence. Lloyd hears the breeze outside, the low whirring hum of the electronics… It's familiar. It's what he's used to. A constant. It reminds Lloyd, just a little, of the family photo taken from all those years ago that kept surviving the Bounty's many crashes and destruction. The same memory, regardless of if it's hung proudly on the wall or surrounded in rubble, broken glass, and dread.

Lloyd swallows. It tastes a little bit of iron.

"…Hey," Lloyd begins, hesitantly, but once he starts, he's not sure how to back down. "You still have your memories of when you were… the other Jay, right? You still know everything about that?" Lloyd asks. Jay nods. "Can I… can I ask what you hated about me?"

Jay looks startled, genuinely caught off guard. He blinks rapidly, brows furrowing and tightening into concern. "I hated… just about everything, Lloyd. I'm — I'm shattered." He answers, voice breaking a little around the word, and then he swallows thickly. "Why would —"

"Yeah, but you noticed things because of that." Lloyd interjects, apparently not knowing when to stop, "Like, flaws. Things people did wrong instead of just what they did right. You talked about things that people did that drove you up the wall, and you weren't afraid to say when someone was being dumb. You like… understood all the reasons to hate a person." Lloyd tries to explain, to provide context, before realizing how quick he's speaking, how easily he's slipping into sounding desperate. He lowers his voice. "I just wanna know what the reasons were for me. That's all."

Jay takes a deep breath, and for a few very real seconds, Lloyd thinks that Jay is going to do it. Jay is going to open his eyes, and, even if reluctantly, he will spill every single one of Lloyd's flaws, speak them out loud, and Lloyd will have a list of everything that makes him a horrible person from someone other than himself. Something solid, trustworthy, and reliable like he so badly wants Jay to be now, and be able to use it as his own reference.

But when Jay opens his eyes, brows still pinched in concern, Lloyd knows that he's not getting that list from him. Not now. Not today.

(Maybe… Maybe Lloyd wishes that he could reach the other Jay. Just for a minute. Just to talk. Lloyd has a feeling that maybe one of the qualities that the other Jay had that his Jay doesn't is honesty. The other Jay did hate liars. Lloyd wonders what it would be like if they were forced to have a conversation.

…The thought makes him a little sick, actually.)

"I'm not going to give you that." Jay says, and it's gentle, but unwavering. Firm. Lloyd deflates. "His hate wasn't… justified. Not like that. Not in the way that you're thinking. And you don't deserve it anyway, Lloyd. Wh—why are you asking that? Did something… happen?"

"No, no," Lloyd says quickly, "I just… I was given the chance to think about who I am as a person, and… I want to know how I can do better." Lloyd says, hoping it sounds like the truth. "I just thought that you… might have some ideas. Since you were like, looking from outside eyes for a bit. I don't know. Sorry. I won't ask again."

Jay looks at him. Really looks. Something shifts in his gaze, like the turning of glass held up to a light and changing it's hue. "That's not what you asked, though." Jay says. "You asked what I hated about you."

Lloyd wants to defend himself. Wants to magically pull out a shield in hopes that it'll stop Jay from prying deeper into him. He wants to change the conversation, he wants a distraction so that he can get away, he wants, he wants — "I know." Lloyd says, helpless. "Sorry."

Jay breathes in. It's long and slow and grating. "Look." He begins, "I know I haven't been around, okay? Trust me, I know. But that doesn't mean that I don't care about you. If there's anything, and I mean anything, that you want to talk about… I'm here. And I want to help. In whatever way I can. However you'll let me."

"…Okay." Lloyd says, unwillingly hesitant. "Sorry, I really — I really didn't want to turn this into a thing. I was just curious."

"My memories may be fuzzy now, Lloyd, but what I do know?" Jay takes a step forward. His hand moves as if he's about to place it onto Lloyd's shoulder, but he stops just short of doing so and slowly lets it fall back to his side. His brows twitch at the motion. "I do know that you've done amazing things while I've been gone. You stepped up to new responsibilities, took on the new Merged Lands head on, and you keep trying to do the right thing. No path forward comes without missteps, okay? It's natural to be worried about things but don't… don't be so hard on yourself."

Lloyd looks away and laughs lightly, trying to shrug off the compliment without seeming too obvious. "Thanks."

"And no one in this Monastery hates you, okay?"

…Not quite. There is one person that does. One person that hates Lloyd so much that some days it feels sickening. One person that tried to kill Lloyd when he had the chance.

He always did wonder what it would feel like to press his own blade against his throat.

"Okay." Lloyd says.

"Okay." Jay echoes, but he still looks unconvinced. "But I'm serious, if you need anything —"

"I'll come to you guys if I need to. Promise."

Jay sighs, but he seems a little more relieved. "Okay. Promise."

It's odd, lying to him. Hiding things. Lloyd's tried to keep certain feelings and events under wraps before, definitely, but here he's just… letting Jay believe in a lie. Jay smiles softly, returning to leaning back against the counter. It makes something inside of Lloyd's chest twist. Is he okay with lying? Is he okay with letting Jay just… not know?

He's supposed to trust the others. Feel the connection between them all and unite them in harmony. Is it really okay to just… not?

Maybe.

Maybe it's okay for tonight.

"…Hey, could you move?" Lloyd asks. Jay looks behind him, like he's trying to figure out what Lloyd's trying to grab before taking a step to the side, allowing Lloyd access to the cabinet behind him. Lloyd grabs a glass, closes the cabinet, and moves to the fridge.

Jay takes in a sharp breath as though he's about to say something… but he doesn't. Jay just slides back into his spot. A few seconds pass, and the only sound is the noise of the water pouring into the glass.

"…Just water?" Jay asks, eventually.

Lloyd nods. "Just water." He confirms, simply, and then that's it.