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Day 1
Was hoping this would be a quick and easy job. It wasn’t. Life hates me. I’m stuck with the three idiots that kept distracting me. Their damn fault. And now they’re arguing over what the first thing we’ll need is. They think it’s either snacks or a bed. I think I need my fucking sanity back first, but whatever.
Day 2
It’s bad. They won’t stop talking. I’ve been pretending that my helmet got stuck on my head during the crash so that there’s one more layer of stuff between their mouths and my ears, even though it doesn’t actually do much. The yellow one is starting to come up with plans to get my helmet off that’ll also probably take off my head, though, so it might be best to drop the act soon. Also, I do want to eat eventually.
Day 3
Fucking kill me.
Day 4
WOW THE MARKER SMILEY FACE CAME OFF IN THE RAIN WHO WOULD’VE GUESSED GEE GUYS I’M SO SAD ABOUT IT
Day 5
The jig is up. I’ve too much of my pride still left intact to pretend that I don’t know how to shift and get this helmet off. At least I didn’t get my head stuck in a railing and forget to shift or something exceedingly stupid like that. Oh, well. The helmet was tolerable while it lasted. Now the true pain of hell begins.
Day 6
Yes! It’s survival time! Dumbasses! They still won’t stop talking. They even had the audacity to do a little pose when they “officially” introduced themselves. They also had the audacity to call me “rather cute.” I have decided today that they are not making it off this island alive. I want my helmet back. I need some sort of physical barrier to protect myself.
Day 7
Oh would you look at that, who could have POSSIBLY guessed that the stupid chore wheel wouldn’t work? And look who doesn’t have a SINGLE DAMN SHOCK about it. At least I didn’t land on chill time. Otherwise it would have been anything but. The blue one was too busy also doing cleaning and the other two were too busy “chilling” to bother me. Thank cod. Some peace and fucking quiet. It won’t last, but let me and my broom cherish this moment for now.
Day 8
The blue one. Must. NEVER. Insult. The usability. Of tools. Or scrap. Ever. EVER. AGAIN. “You wanna borrow this?” BITCH IT AIN’T LIKE YOU’RE USING IT??? Grrrr… she’s gonna be the first one to go.
Day 9
The Mechanic. Sure, fine, whatever. Simple enough. But let’s just leave it there, because the only other proper title I can think of would be “Last One With an Actual Brain” or “Slowly Losing My Coddamn Mind.” If I EVER have to pose again my pose is going to be throwing a hammer at someone’s fucking face, preferably the yellow one’s.
Day 10
We could have a beach shelter, or a bunker, or hell, even a treehouse, but sure, why not a whole ass hideout ship? Surely building a gigantic ass thing on the water is going to be super easy! I used half of my head to come up with the plans and the other half to tune those three out, and they were somehow still shocked at how fast I came up with the plans for it. I don’t think it’s occurred to them yet that it’s almost like… I know what I’m doing? Crazy, right?
Day 11
The blue one went down the flag like fucking Mario, man. I did it too, just to see if I could finally understand how it feels to be simpleminded enough to experience boundless whimsy in a survival situation. I still don’t fucking get it.
Day 12
DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY CALCULATOR! THAT IS FOR ENGINEERING ONLY, NOT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU BITCHES ARE THINKING OF!
Day 13
He should’ve kept the seaweed on. That one actually got a laugh out of me, as stupid as he looked. My bar for halfway decent humor has dropped through the floor.
Day 14
The yellow one made an attempt to read my blueprints. I think I watched in real time as the last bit of her pitiful intelligence floated out of her head and into the aether. Yet, she still did not shut up. Maybe I should draw up some blueprints for a trebuchet in order to launch myself out of this hell. It would either catapult me back to the Splatlands or to the afterlife, and I would prefer either over this.
Day 15
Functional? Babe, you’re going to get sunburnt. Stylish? Girl, your white shoes are going to turn brown within an hour. Ay? I guess your new look is acceptable. But obviously the greatest fashion is putting scrap in your tentacles.
Day 16
Tried to go out a bit on a raft so that I could nap a well-deserved nap in peace, but the blue and yellow one even followed me out there. Thank cod I had an oversight and the water leaked in and got the three of us. Learned my lesson on that one; I’m not safe even when I try to put distance between them and me.
Day 17
The Big Sensible Reasonable Stupid Fucking Dumb ship is done. We still need to get her moving, but that’s for later. I’m so tired. The trio of idiots are celebrating by planning out what everything on the ship is for. I’m thinking up a name for her… I’m gonna call her Anne… yeah…
Day 18
Got the Inkternet up and running for dear Annie. The first thing the gray one did was download a game that actually didn’t look half bad. But. BUT. Then they put me in this group chat. And this is BY FAR the worst thing that has happened yet. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S MORE OF THEM. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE IDIOCY OF THESE PEOPLE IS A WIDESPREAD PHENOMENA. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS SKIBIDI??? THE YELLOW ONE SHOULD’VE SHOT ME WITH THAT PROTOTYPE AND GIVEN ME PEACE, NOT THE GRAY ONE!
Day 19
Okay. I’m okay. I got hit in the head with a coconut because who knew that shooting the whole ass tree would make ALL of them fall? They let me take a nice, long, uninterrupted break, and I luckily found a bunch of cans that held the contents to make life better. My brain is soup. No thoughts. I am become stupid. I see the whimsy in the world and found the footprints of fairies on the ship. This is bliss.
Day 20
Those cans were not full of food, contrary to what the yellow one thinks. My hangover today has been awful.
Day 21
Oh cod give me back the box. Or my helmet. Something on my head so that I don’t have to look at these people anymore.
Day 22
And I thought I needed glasses.
Day 23
I mean, the gray one had a point about there not being time to slack off, but at the same time, I have done so much Not Slacking Off that I deserve a little time to Slack Off. And it was a beautiful sunset! At least, until the yellow and blue ones wandered into my periphery. Why will they not let me just fish in peace?
Day 24
Man I would kill for some takoyaki right now. Or maybe some calamari. I haven’t snapped that far yet, though. I guess seaweed salad will have to do.
Day 25
Well, that’s one of them gone without me having to resort to non-natural selection. Now if only the other two would take a piece out of his book.
Day 26
How. HOW. HOW DID THEY MANAGE TO FUCK THAT UP??? I sat them down. I showed them exactly how to tie a proper knot. I gave them rope. They managed to tie everything in knots, INCLUDING THEMSELVES, except for the supplies they were supposed to tie together. I don’t even know how they screwed that one up. Since they got tangled up with that, I walked away and took a moment for myself while they were incapable of bothering me.
Day 27
Angry. The answer is angry. All these plants that I’ve never fucking seen before and hope to never see again in my life make me angry.
Day 28
Honestly? I’m not sure if we’ll make it home. The climate of these islands are harsh, and its inhabitants seem equally unforgiving. We’re living by scrap and by the hammer to do what we can with what we’ve got, which admittedly isn’t much. I’m not sure if I’m capable of doing something like rebuilding a helicopter on my own. Though I guess I’m not on my own. Despite the stupidity I’ve witnessed from the other three, we are all surviving right now. We’ve stood up a shelter, gathered food, and even managed to find some time to tinker and build some weapons. Maybe I need to give them a little more credit. Maybe we will make it home. I hope you’re right, Frye.
Day 29
Forget everything I said. No way we’re making it home. Nuh uh. Yellow one’s wrong. We are going to get EATEN BY SALMONIDS BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT?!
Day 30
This would be a great vacation if it weren’t for the other three around here. And the salmonids. And the whole deserted island thing. And maybe everything else.
I think I want to go home…